


The Masks We Wear

by Celtic_Lass



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Chapter 6 is when warnings start applying., Cole...sweetheart no!, Dark Herald, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Extremely and Unapologetically Self-Indulgent, F/M, Forced Marriage, Found Family, Healing, It will get worse before it gets better, I’m sorry. - Freeform, I’m trying to get there, Maxwell is a scumbag, Meal prep.... lots of meal prep and cooking jargen, Modern Girl in Thedas, Non-con Mindwipe, Physical Abuse, Revelations Incoming, Slow Burn, Solas is a well-meaning egg but he needs to stop trying to fix things, Time Travel Break-it, Unreliable Narrator, Why is everyone acting funny?!, a lot of things to work through... a lot, and will get his dues, eventually, i honestly don’t know where I am going with this as I have no real plan, sorta - Freeform, that tag applies after the first few chapters, this guy will die slow and painful death, warning this fic will explore a darker story, yup another one
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:35:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 46
Words: 181,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24691633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Celtic_Lass/pseuds/Celtic_Lass
Summary: You know how you have that favorite game? The one you played, far too many hours to count? The one that you fantasized about at night? The one that allowed you to be the hero in your comparatively drab life that the most exciting thing to happen is missing your bus or finding an extra five in your pocket? Yeah, that game?Now imagine, just for a moment that you’re suddenly in that game… What are you going to do? Help your beloved characters of course! Keep them out of danger, use your knowledge of the game to save lives that would have been otherwise lost?But this isn’t a game. And I’m not the Herald. So, I still do what I can right?Oh, if I only knew just how wrong I was… because this is not a game. And sometimes the name ‘Hero’ well, that’s only a mask the monster hides behind.AntlersandFangs is my amazing beta and also wrote a companion piece. Behind the Masks We Wear!
Relationships: The Iron Bull (Dragon Age)/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 1267
Kudos: 528





	1. Chapter 1

“Hey Rae, I’m not gonna make it tonight.” My best friend said before I could barely even get a ‘hello’ out after answering my phone.

“What?!” I nearly dropped the pan of apple caramel crumble I had been just getting out of the oven. “What do you mean you’re not gonna make it? Haley, we had plans.” I set the hot pan on the stove and looked at the clock. “You’re supposed to be here in thirty minutes.”

“I know, Rae I just… met someone.” Her voice dropped a little lower which meant the ‘someone’ she met was probably standing close by. “We hit it off after class and they asked me out… tonight.”

I sighed and leaned against the counter: we had been planning this for weeks. Haley was working her way through college and taking classes at night after work. This was the first weekend she would be free from both work and college. I had gone all out and put my two years of culinary school to use. Rack of lamb, hasselback potatoes, spinach salad, and finish with an apple crumble that put my grandmas to shame. To put it simply tonight had cost me an arm and a leg, especially on my waitress salary. 

“Rae, I promise I will make it up to you first thing tomorrow, okay?” Haley sounded desperate and I didn’t want her to feel like she owed me, or to guilt her. She had a life to live as well. 

“It’s fine, Haley, just... have fun and send me a text when you get home, that way I know you weren’t kidnapped by an expert or something.” I would survive… and be eating great. I had tupperware.

“You sure you’re not upset?”

“I’m fine,” I laughed and tried to lighten the situation, hopefully, to not make her feel guilty. “I’m just gonna eat dinner and drown my sorrows by romancing my virtual crushes.”

Haley laughed and I took it as a sign of success. “Kiss the one with the horns for me… he’s hot, in a weird way.”

“Yeah, yeah, go on… but if you die you’re not getting any leftovers.” We said our goodbyes and I stared at the relative feast I had prepared with annoyance. I knew I shouldn’t have splurged. 

So, I did what my normal person would do after laboring in the kitchen for several hours and having their friend cancel last minute. I put the lamb and sides away into several lunch sized tupperwares and went to my room to slip into my Pajamas. Pajamas on, I served myself a ‘I will regret this in the morning’ sized plate of apple crumble and a large cup of coffee before settling on my couch to start up my console. I was working my way through the dragon age franchise again, Origins was like a brand new game after playing Dragon Age 2 and Inquisition. So many secrets revealed and honestly… I couldn’t get enough of Zevran and Alistair. 

After drinking copious amounts of coffee and a regretful sized serving of apple crumble, I binge played Dragon Age Origins. I got as far as the Circle quest before I felt my eyelids start to droop. So, like any sensible adult… I decided more coffee would get me through another two hours of gameplay.

I don’t remember making it to the kitchen, or back onto the couch, or anything after that really. 

I did remember, quite vividly, a sudden pressure in my head, like a bad headache, there and gone, then thinking ‘oh crap’ when I heard the familiar shriek of a Terror about to strike. I reached for my controller to pause the game but ended up falling face first onto the floor… which was cold… and wet… and not my floor. 

The not floor was actually snow. What in the- and there was that shriek again that made me look up right into the eyeless elongated jaw and many toothed, face of a terror demon. 

I screamed and scrambled backward falling on my back then frantically crab walked backwards away from the terror who had stopped in its tracks and seemed to cock its featureless head as if puzzled. Then suddenly it’s head was gone… not gone, it flew through the air and landed on my leg. I screamed again and frantically kicked to get it off. 

“Are you alright?”

The words pulled my attention from the demon’s head and I gaped at the hand extended towards me. No, it wasn’t Cullen, though that would have made me gape, no, the hand that was extended to me belonged to none other than Maxwell Trevelyan. But not just any of my Trevelyans… this was Haley’s Trevelyan. The one she had created weeks ago but never got through the tutorial. 

Maxwell Trevelyan was tall, and statuesque, an obvious tank, with tanned skin, his dark eyes looked cold but was belied with a concerned furrow of his brow and a determined set to his jaw. He had his short, fine, blonde hair in a neat undercut.

At this point any halfway sane person might have said ‘Thank you’ or ‘I’m alright’ but what’s the first thing that flies to my mouth? “Maxwell?” Yup, I blurted out his name. The name of the person who doesn’t know me from Adam. I blame my sleep deprived mind. 

The concerned expression immediately fell from his face and his eyes narrowed as they seemed to bore into me, there was a shout of alarm and he turned his head just as I saw the ground under him start to shimmer and ripple like a… crap crap crap. I reacted. I have no idea how but somehow I pushed myself off of the ground and slammed into Maxwell's rock solid side making us both fall back in a tumble of limbs and armor.

I instantly felt myself get pinned to the ground in one move and his sword was at my throat. “What-?“ Maxwell’s snarled question was cut off, just as the terror demon burst from the ground he had been standing. His eyes widened and he glanced down at me in sudden realization.

Faster than I could even realize what was happening his hand closed over my arm with bruising force and I was yanked to my feet and pushed behind him as he hefted his sword and shield at the monstrosity that the pixelated version didn’t do justice, it was horrifying. 

Even more horrifying was the bolt that speared its eye and then exploded. Now it wouldn’t have been so horrific if said explosion hadn’t created a shower of demon blood and chunks… I was fairly certain I was hit in the forehead with a tooth. 

I really wasn’t sure what happened next, only that there was shouting, a flash of bright green, then it was quiet, like the quiet that usually meant people were staring at something. And in this instance the something, or rather someone they were looking at was me. Me standing there, barefoot, clad in blood spattered pajamas, specifically sparkly brightly colored unicorn cupcake pajamas that Haley had given me for my birthday. Oh, what a lovely picture!

I was also shaking, why was I shaking? Probably shock, or it could be the fact I was barefoot… in the snow. Yup, I was cold. Why was I cold? This was just a dream. “Just a dream.” It was the middle of July, and my AC never kept up enough for it to get this cold, even if I had managed to kick off my covers, I wouldn’t be this cold. “Just a dream.” Yeah, I would wake up in a few seconds, I always did right after I realized that I was dreaming.

Someone grabbed my arm roughly and I was spun to look into the very angry face of Cassandra Pentagast… who was shouting at me… that was way more terrifying in person. Which was probably why I stepped back and practically hid behind Maxwell, like he was a human shield.

“Who are you? Who is she?! Is she a demon?!” Cassandra was yelling and holy crap that woman was terrifying when angry.

“Seeker please, she is no more a demon than Trevelyan.” Solas… who had somehow come to stand right next to me without me even realizing it placed his hand on my arm. “Are you hurt?” He sounded oddly concerned?

I shook my head and tried very hard not to look at him, I was a terrible actor and I knew it. Last thing I wanted was to look at them and have any recognition. Look at me being all careful… well, all except for that beautiful blunder of blurting out Maxwell's name. But hey, I pride myself on being a fast learner… usually.

There was a low whistle. “Another survivor, Chuckles?” I had to be dreaming, because that was Varric Tethras, The Varric Tethras!

Solas… Cassandra, Varric, Maxwell… This was a very detailed and very… “Did I die?” I may have whispered. Did I die and this was some sort of seven seconds before brain death type of coma dream?

To my utter surprise, honestly because I hadn't realized I had actually spoken, Solas (aka the Dread Wolf) answered me with a small relieved laugh. “No, you are, as far as I can see, well.”

I looked up at him and… my brain stalled, because the Solas I was expecting (the bald eggheaded, unassuming, pixilated, apostate) was not what my eyes met… this Solas, who still had his hand on my arm, had hair, actual hair, shaved on the sides and long enough on top to be secured back with a hair tie. I could see the individual pores of his skin, and the scar, and everything looked so lifelike, and he— I had evidently been staring because he smiled, and that smile was enough to jar me out of my—

I felt the blood drain from my face. I had been gawking at him... What was I thinking?! I quickly looked down, hoping by some miracle that he didn't see anything… not that I really recognized him with- nope, not thinking about it. This was just… I was going to wake up any second… right? Right?

“We don't have time for this!” Cassandra shouted, grabbing my arm and yanking me away from ‘trendy Solas’ hand and shoved me forward to nearly bounce off of someone else’s chest plate. “Commander, see she is taken back to Haven.” Guess that was the answer to who’s chest plate. 

I looked up… and up, and up. “Sweet mother, you are tall.” That or I was insanely short…

“Maker watch over you.” Cullen Stanton Rutherford barely glanced at me as he grasped my shoulder and pushed me to a soldier. “Take her to Haven.” 

“Yes, Ser!” I was definitely going to be bruised when this was over … you know.. if this was real… I was going to wake up right?

Cassandra, Trevelyan, and Varric all turned away to resume their trek to the temple which, hey, made sense, even if this was my dream… it was a dream right?

My feet hurt. I looked down at my feet that were bare in the snow. Snow plus bare feet, equals… this was fast becoming scary. The soldier started pulling me back and I stumbled slightly. How long did it take to get frostbite? 

“Hold a moment.” The soldier stopped pulling and I looked back just in time to see ‘trendy Solas’ hand reach out and I flinched when his fingers touched my cheek. He gave me an apologetic smile but I immediately felt a soft warmth flood through me down to my feet. “So you do not freeze.” 

That was… 

Terrifyingly sweet? Or sweetly terrifying? I was staring at him again and looked down quickly but not before I caught a quirk of his eyebrow. And then I was being yanked again by the soldier, who’s patience was apparently at an end.

The whole trip down the mountain was blurred into a litany of. ‘This can’t be real. That can’t be real. This is a dream. It’s a dream.’ But no matter how I tried to reassure myself that it was all just a very very realistic, vivid dream, everything pointed to the contrary. I was fairly certain I was hyperventilating by the time we reached the chantry. My self imposed panic didn’t improve when I was immediately shoved through the door that led to the cells.

It wasn’t until I was locked inside a cell, with nothing but a bucket and hay pile for a bed, that I began to think that maybe, just maybe, I wasn’t going to wake up and this was not a dream.

It was a nightmare.


	2. Chapter 2

You would think that while sitting, locked in a cold midevil cell, with nothing but pitch torches lighting the stone walls, that I would have come to the conclusion that I was not in fact dreaming. I, however, was in denial, and rationally I knew I was in denial, that I was practically swimming with nile crocs. However, I did not want to believe that this very real, very cold room was in fact real. 

Because if this was real, then the blights were real, the breach was real, and if the breach was real then, Corypheus was real, and Solas, and orb, and the very insane things that the games and books portrayed were all real. Real things and tragedies that I played and read for my own entertainment. 

And if this was real then… what about my family? My friends? My job? Everything… gone. They were gone… if this was real. 

I did not want it to be real. 

I heard the shouts and cheers when the breach was stabilized and covered my ears. I didn’t want to hear that, I wanted to hear my alarm clock. I wanted to hear my next door neighbor shouting at the cat that kept trying to run into her apartment every morning. I wanted to wake up and drink some coffee… but most of all? I wanted to wake up and throw the complete Dragon Age series into the trash. I promised myself over and over again that if I just woke up, I would swear off games for a year… or two. Something like this, it would cure you. Try relieving yourself into a bucket that had old feces and urine still in it, with no toilet paper in sight. I guarantee you will never do whatever put you in that situation again. 

My mind was a whirling mess of possible outcomes; if this was not a dream (which was a thing I was not thinking about) then… then… I was in prison… “Can I get a lawyer?” I dropped my forehead to my knees.

“I am afraid I do not know what that is.”

My head snapped up in surprise and rebounded off of the wall behind me, which… ow! But more importantly how did-? Nope! not- crap! “Am I dreaming?”

Solas stilled his approach towards the cell I occupied, a small tray in his hands and a bundle under his arm. He glanced around. “The current situation does lend itself to a nightmare, I suppose. But no, you are not dreaming.”

I discreetly (or at least I thought I was being discreet) pinched my leg just in case, because… yeah, I was not just going to take his word for it. “So…” I could not think of anything to ask so the word hung there between us for a long moment until he raised an eyebrow at me and I blurted out. “What’s a guy like you doing in a place like this? Cause it ain’t for the view.”

His lip quirked slightly before it vanished behind an overly considering expression as he walked towards the cell door and regarded me. “Hmm, It is not… too terrible. I would however suggest clothing less… garish.” 

What?! I was very proud of myself for keeping my thoughts and my mouth separate this time, but judging by the way he shook his head and chuckled, my expression said it for me.

“Ir abelas, now is not the time to discuss your choice of clothing.” He smiled and balanced the tray in one hand as he opened the door with the other… without a key… which meant it wasn’t locked… I had been sitting in a cell that wasn’t even locked. I hadn’t even checked. If I ever wondered why I was never invited to escape room parties, this was a prime example. 

He entered and set the tray and bundle down and crouched in front of me and held his hand out. “My name is Solas, I apologize for your treatment but it was unavoidable.”

Uh… his hand was held out like a… “Handshake?”

His lip quirked again and he looked entirely too amused. “That was the intention.”

I blinked at him, he was very… he was snarkier than he was supposed to be. And the Dread Wolf was wanting to shake. I had to cut off an involuntary giggle at that thought. A single eyebrow raised at me and I realized his hand was still extended. Right. 

“Rae.” I hesitantly reached out and gave his hand the slightest shake, intending to pull my hand back as soon as I could, but his fingers tightened on my hand the instant I started to pull away and his other hand went to push back my shirt sleeve. “What are you doing?” My voice chose to betray my panic by squeaking.

“May I?” His voice was calm, as if he expected my panic at him having a hold of my arm. 

“May you what?” My back was pressed as far back against the wall as I could go and he looked pleased by my reaction. He was acting weird… well, weirder. This was not a fantasy, thank you!

“You are injured, I wish to heal it.” 

Injured? I looked down where his hand hovered to see darkening rings on my forearm that looked suspiciously like fingers. I had always bruised easily so it really wasn’t that big of a surprise… but very realistic attention to detail for a dream. Crap. I probably had more on my shoulder. “Uh… Okay.”

He smiled, like he was trying to reassure me but it only set alarm bells off in my mind. Wasn’t he supposed to be helping Maxwell? You know the guy with the oh so important mark? What was he doing down here with me? What was the trendy, snarky, non-eggheaded Solas up to?

Apparently healing me, if pressing a glowing hand to my arm and making the skin itch and tingle was healing. And it apparently was given that the band of bruising was rapidly fading. A few spots on my back and shoulders itched too, so I guess he healed those as well. 

He turned my arm to look at it and then finally let me go with a smile. “Not too terrible?” 

“Not as bad as I dreaded.” I blurted and then mentally hit myself over the head for the pun.

He just smirked. “Indeed.” And turned to the tray which I only now realized held a bowl of some sort of brothy soup. “I brought you something to eat, shoes and a change of clothes.” He looked me up and down again before adding. “That may not be the best attire for this climate.”

“Indeed.” See, I could do that too. Ugh, I blame my, still, sleep deprived mind. “Uh… thank you.” He nodded and passed me the bowl of soup... broth… stuff, it didn’t really smell like anything other than meat, no seasonings or aromatics. Well, at least it was warm… which reminded me. “And for the…” I wiggled my fingers slightly. “Keeping me warm… out there.”

He looked at my hand and chuckled. “You are allowed to say magic.”

“I know that.” I blurted then groaned, I really, really needed some sleep. “I’m very tired… and my mind is all…” I wobbled my hands side to side. “Words aren’t working right.”

“Why were you at the conclave?”

The sudden question startled me and I blinked, why was I at the conclave? “I… don’t know. Was I at the conclave?”

He nodded and his eyes stared at me so intently I had to look away. “You pulled Trevelyan into the room with the Divine. Why were you there?”

“I what?!” I nearly dropped the bowl. “I don’t-“

“You and Trevelyan both seem to be suffering from loss of your memories of the incident.” He spoke over me, the shift to his demeanor from caregiver to interrogator was jarring but… he was the Dread Wolf and weird anyway, and I had read about cops acting all nice to coax information out of people, so… “What is your occupation?”

“I cook…” Well, I learned to cook, I was trying to get promoted to sous chef at the restaurant I work at… worked at, Crap. I probably wasn’t going to get that promotion. “I served.”

“Who?”

“It was… everyone really, I worked in the kitchen.” I felt my eyes start to sting and… Really? I was going to cry over a job? What about Haley? Mom, dad, my brother? What about them? I was not naive enough to think that once the events of the game were over that I would be magically sent back… Oh my god, I was never going to see them again…. and now I was out right sobbing. Wonderful. 

“You are thinking of those you lost today?” His voice softened as if he was trying to be comforting. I wasn’t falling for that again. But… he honestly had no clue how right he was.

“Yeah,” I scrubbed at my face with my sleeve and sniffed, because apparently I had been ugly crying with snot and all. This was just… “ugh, sorry.”

“Do not apologize for your grief.” He was still soft voiced and being weird and I maybe wanted to throw my bowl of soup at him because I was weak and if he offered me a hug I might take him up on it, stupid trendy Dread Wolf or not. Ugh, I needed to sleep.

“I need a nap.” I put my head back on my knees instead of giving into either impulse. “And a shower. And maybe to wake up. That would be nice.” 

I heard him sigh and felt the bowl being taken from my hands. “You are not dreaming, Rae. I am sorry.” 

I looked up at him and squinted, because that ‘I’m sorry’ sounded heavier than just being sorry that my subconscious mind wasn’t making all of this up. 

He gave me a… grieved? (Was that grief? What was that doing on his face?) look and then straightened and glanced behind him towards the cell door. “I do not believe she is a danger.” 

I leaned over and nearly jumped out of my skin at the sight of Lelianna standing in the shadows by the door, watching me shrewdly. “I think you are right. We could use another cook.”

And if I was cooking for them they could keep an eye on me. “I… I can help?” I didn’t know if the Inquisition was a thing I was supposed to know about yet, but… “I don’t want to die.” 

Solas looked at me and gave me a smile that I guess was supposed to be reassuring? Seriously what was this dude doing? “You will not die, Rae.”’ 

Yet… there was a big unspoken yet on the end of that sentence, I knew it.

Lelianna looked me up and down before turning to leave. “Get her changed into something less conspicuous and find her a place to stay.” and then she was gone… and I was left in the cell with Solas. Who sounded to be, for all intents and purposes, my keeper. A word I would absolutely not blurt out in front of him, I mentally promised myself.

He didn’t say anything to the spymaster, only knelt, picking up the bundle and handing it to me. “Eat and change, I will come back in an hour, I have some arrangements to make.”

Oh, this wasn’t ‘sounded’ like he was my keeper, he really, actually, was my keeper. Oh no. This wasn’t good. My mouth ran away from me, I was terrible at keeping secrets, and I was supposed to answer to the Dread Wolf? Who would be keeping me because of suspicious spymasters and I was going to die. It was going to be a mysterious case of me going to sleep and never waking up. I was going to die in my sleep and nobody would care and-

“Are you well?”

Nope, no, I was not. “Yes.”

Except my voice cracked over the word and I was pretty sure I was hyperventilating and I just lied to the Dread Wolf and I was going to die. 

He shook his head and sighed. “You have no reason to fear me.” 

I laughed. A sharp, choked, really-should-never-have-been-let-out, laugh. Smooth, I was so going to die. 

He smiled sadly, “You are in shock.” He stepped out of the cell, leaving the door open. Okay, so that was a gesture… I think. “You are safe. I will return shortly.”

And with that he was also gone, and I was alone, still clutching a bundle of clothes. And my soup had probably gone cold. Not that I felt hungry, but still. 

The bundle of clothes turned out to be plain brown pants, tan shirt, socks, and boots (miraculously my size. Creepy.) wrapped up in a cloak. I stripped and dressed quickly not wanting to be walked in on by some random guard, or worse, The Dread Wolf himself. I only felt slightly bad about the PJ’s that I left in a crumpled mess on the floor… I really only wore them because of the fluff, but now they were a dirty ripped mess that couldn’t be saved. 

I sat down and looked at the soup dubiously, it still had a slight curl of steam coming off of it… which was surprising. I picked it up and the bowl was still warm. I raised it to look at the bottoms and there was a slightly glowing circle and squiggle lines on it… a warming glyph? Huh.

I had no spoon so in order to eat I had to sip from the rim of the bowl… trying very hard not to think of how it was washed. I had to force myself to swallow, the ‘soup’ was nothing but chunks of meat boiled in water with a bland purplish root vegetable, no salt, no nothing. 

“I have to fix this travesty.” I murmured. Surely they had at least some herbs? Even a handful of wild mint would have helped this. Maybe some mint and some oregano. No, oregano was a warm weather herb. Lavender. Mint and Lavender. That would go with… whatever that purple stuff was. It wasn’t a potato.

I was still examining a chunk of it when Solas returned, trying to figure out what it was. Too mushy to be a carrot, too sweet to be a potato, too starchy to be a yam… I was picking a piece of it apart curiously and was too focused on it and ended up jumping and squishing it in my hands when his shadow fell over me. 

He was smiling as if amused by not only my flail of surprise but my befuddlement over the root thing. “It was a stew thrown together by the soldiers. I am certain the boy was reassigned to another duty.”

Uh… “That’s-“ I was about to say ‘good’ because this soup was a crime culinary-wise but. “Harsh?” 

“It really is not.” Solas chuckled and came into the cell, bending to pick up the tray and my ruined clothes. “If you are ready?” 

Ready to get out of this cell? “Yes, please.”

“Come then,” He offered his hand like… someone would a child and I just… stared at it until he chuckled and pulled it back. “Forgive me, you are still wary.”

Uh… yes. Yes, I was. Who wouldn’t be, knowing what I know? But he didn’t know that I knew who he was so I put on a brave smile. “It’s been a long day.” 

“Yes, it has.” He began walking towards the door so I guess I was supposed to follow him? Okay. I could do that. I followed him up the stairs, not daring to speak, I was still sleep deprived and had no filter between my mouth and brain so we walked in silence. At least until he started talking. “Flissa agreed to take you on as a cook. Your wages won’t be much but it is something.” 

Uh… he got me a job? What the what? But at least it was a job I was good at. And money. And I wasn’t expected to pick up a sword or anything like that. “Thank you.” 

“Your thanks is unnecessary.” He looked back and smiled before turning back forward and leading me up the stairs. 

Okay. What did I know? The Herald had stabilized the breach, check. I was not important, double check. What did he want from me? Agent? He had agents right? No, I was human, he had elf agents. 

That thought made me pause and I felt my gut drop. What if I-? My hands went up to check my ears and- round. That was a relief. Not that I’d never fantasized about being an elf before but… no, I’ve been through too much already to be stuck in someone else’s body thank you very much. And… I really didn’t want to be an elf in a world like this one. 

“Is something wrong with your ears, Rae?” 

My head snapped up to see Solas looking down at me from the top of the stairs. I hadn’t realized I had stopped dead on the stairs and my hand was still feeling my ear. Awkward much? I yanked my hand down and hurried to climb the stairs. “No… it’s fine… itched?” 

Solas gave me a strange look but thankfully didn’t seem to feel the need to comment on that and continued on speaking as we entered the long hall. “The Nightingale wanted you to cook and deliver an evening meal to the war room for her and three other people, but as you have not slept, I suggested a breakfast instead. That gives you a few hours to rest.” 

Huh. Maybe I did have a lawyer after all. “Th- thank you?”

He glanced back and smiled again before continuing. “I’m sure whatever you prepare will be more than sufficient. I have secured a cot and blankets for you as well.”

“Why?” Why? Why was I questioning him, at least out loud? See, this is why I am going to die. 

Solas paused with his hand on the door and looked back at me questioningly. “Why?”

Ugh, “You don’t know me.” Shut up shut up. “I mean… I don’t mean to sound ungrateful but…” Woman, close your mouth! 

Solas made a humming sound and opened the door. “Simply put? You needed aid, I could provide it.”

Just like that? Nope, I wasn’t buying it, he was after something. He had to be. This was Solas, the Dread Wolf, nothing he did was without reason. 

He led me through the chantry and out the double doors without speaking again. Immediately, my eyes were drawn to the sky, or what I could see of the sky, it was kind of lackluster compared to the big green vortex smack dab in the middle of it. And oh, that was way more scary in person. Beautiful, sorta, but scary.

Solas looked at me then looked up before smiling, again reassuringly. “It is stable.” 

Right… because I’m not supposed to know that. “Oh, good. That’s good.” ‘That’s good’? Seriously that was the best I could come up with? Never before had I expected to regret not taking acting classes with Haley… but no, I majored in Culinary Arts because I was ‘a responsible adult’. 

A responsible adult who was planning on paying bills and eventually maybe buying their own house and painting the walls any color they wanted and complaining about the price of milk with their other boring responsible adult friends. A responsible adult who… probably would never get to do that now. 

I followed him and tried not to look at everyone we passed, I could feel their eyes on me though, no doubt thinking. ‘Hey look, there goes the crazy woman that was dressed in brightly colored, bizarre clothes but no shoes in the snow.’ Something like that anyway. Unless of course blame for the whole thing shifted from Trevelyan to me, being the only other survivor. Yeah, wouldn’t that be lovely? But if that was the case I probably wouldn’t be walking free right now. Well, not exactly ‘free’. 

I tried to shove my hands into my pockets only to discover that these pants had no pockets, which meant I was stuck crossing my arms and hunching my back, looking like a weirdo. I spent most of the walk like that, willing people not to notice me, not that it worked, but I could wish. 

I didn't want to see people staring at me so I kept my head down and shuffled after Solas closely, hoping to disappear behind him. 

Great plan, except… I wasn’t watching where I was going, too focused on not standing out, not looking to see if people were staring, not freaking out. So I didn’t realize where he was taking me until he stopped and I only avoided running into him because I had my eyes focused on his feet, which even with the footwraps made my own twinge in cold sympathy. 

He stopped, and I looked up, and found myself in front of his cabin. He was opening the door to his cabin. I felt foolish for a second but… “Where do I stay?”

“Here.” He said simply and stepped in, holding the door open for me… because he was expecting me to just come in. 

“Here? With you?”

He paused and there was a slight, there and gone quirk of his eyebrow and I realized I shouldn’t know this was his cabin. “Yes.” 

Yes? Just… yes? I was supposed to stay with him? He… “What do you want from me?” I blurted out, then clapped a hand over my mouth. 

He gave me a slight smile. “Would you believe me if I said I was looking forward to your company?”

No. “No!” Crap! I felt the blood drain from my face. Keep your mouth closed woman, do you want to die? No.

The smile fell from his face and he held up his hand. “I was only joking. I promise you have nothing to fear from me, Rae.” Yeah no, I did. So did everyone else, Mr ‘remake the world’. He frowned when I didn’t answer. “Rae, you are safe.”

Nope. No, I wasn’t… aaaaand I was hyperventilating. Great. 

Solas moved, grabbing my shoulders and… “No! Nononono,” I pushed at his hands blindly. Oh god, why didn’t I ever learn self defense?

He had my wrists trapped in one of his in a second and the other was going to my face. He was talking… but his hand was right there… I bit. Hard. His hand jerked back but he hadn’t let go of my wrists. 

“Fenedhis, Rae! Breathe. You are in no danger. Rae, calm down!” Yeah, that worked just about as well as baptizing a cat. I started kicking… because I had feet, I was going to use them.

“Ir abelas, Rae.” He said oddly softly, soft enough that my brain focused on it right before his free, blooded hand came up and touched my forehead before I could try to yank away.


	3. Chapter 3

My hip hurt. My shoulder hurt. Why did I hurt? I just bought a new pillow top mattress… well, not ‘new’ but my point is: I should not be hurting. I shifted and the bed crackled underneath and I was suddenly poked in several places like… crap! 

I jolted upright to take in the cabin around me. Crap! Crap! That was not a dream and I was currently trapped in Dragon Age, on a straw stuffed mattress, in Solas’, aka The Dread Wolf’s, cabin. Who’s freaking out? I am. Me. Breathe. It’s not… my mind flashed to the last thing I remembered. Solas grabbing me and… son of a biscuit! He had magically knocked me out! To be fair, I did bite him… and I think I got a few kicks in, but still! 

He had… he had said… and I was in a bed after being magically knocked out. My hand flew to my chest to meet… clothes, I was clothed. Good, that’s… that’s good. I wasn’t sore or anything except my hip and shoulder, so… he hadn’t touched me I think. 

I groaned and flopped backwards onto the bed, immediately regretting it when more straw poked my back. How did people sleep on this? You know, without being magically knocked out? 

I laid there going over in my mind what had all happened, what he had said, how he had said it and things just didn’t make sense. If… if he was on script I don't think I would be as scared, but he was off script and… I didn't know this Solas. The Solas I knew was reclusive, sure he helped people here and there and you got approval from helping people but-

My thoughts were cut off when the cabin door opened, I jumped up and scrambled back until my back hit the wall on the other side of the bed as Solas came in, a tray balanced in one hand and a pitcher in the other. He froze when he saw me, and stood there motionless as if expecting me to scream. Which… fair. 

We just stared at each other for the longest time, until I couldn’t stand it anymore. “You knocked me out.” First thing out of my mouth and I didn’t even have sleep deprivation to blame.

He nodded slowly, like he was trying not to scare off a frightened animal. “Yes, ir abelas. I feared you would injure yourself in your panic.” He cautiously moved to the dest on the opposite side of the room, never taking his eyes off of me as he set the tray and pitcher down. Then he straightened and raised his hands “Please, allow me to apologize. My playful words had been in poor taste, I had not meant to cause you distress.” He paused, waiting for my response but when none was forthcoming (because lookie there, I had finally learned to keep my mouth shut. Wonder of wonders!) he sighed and gestured to the tray, “I brought you something to eat before you were expected to cook for the Nightingale. It is not much but it is a decent fare.”

He brought me breakfast? Why? I narrowed my eyes at him and it was almost like he read my mind. Most likely my face, my mom always said she could always tell what I was thinking. I was very expressive. 

“I wish to make amends for frightening you.” He spoke carefully. “I will not touch you again. You have my word.” 

I still wasn’t going to buy it, but what could I do? I was stuck here with him as my keeper. I was going to die if I messed up and gave away that I knew who he was. I had to start acting normal… semi normal. Maybe I could blame my freak out on trauma and not my absolute terror that he was going to kill me. 

I nodded slowly and slid off of the bed, very very thankful that I was still fully clothed, sans boots. “Th- thank you.” I didn’t have to fake the tremble in my voice, that was very real. 

He looked relieved? Probably because it didn’t look like I was going to run screaming out of the cabin. He moved away from the desk to the other side of the wall, giving me space. “You do not have much time to eat before you are expected to cook for the Nightingale.

Right, because he got me a job. Think about it later. I eased to the tray to find simple toast with a spread of some sort, a herbal smelling tea, and water. I carefully picked up a slice of the toast, briefly wondering if he would poison me, and cast Solas a glance to find him watching, he looked… at a loss. 

I had a small twinge of guilt as I took a small bite but quickly squashed it. He killed people because he didn’t believe other people were people. Wow, Sera would have been proud of me if she could have heard that sentence. The spread tasted sorta like fig, just tangier. It was leaps and bounds more appetizing than that soup had been. Poison or no, I was hungry and why would he go to all the trouble to poison me if he just could have done it in my sleep? 

I ended up eating two slices, leaving the other two. I had no idea if he had eaten and I’d rather not eat his breakfast if I could help it. I needed to be on his good side… at least until I could get out from under his nose. Maybe I could work hard and get enough money to get a room at the Maiden. Maybe Flissa would even be alright with me sleeping in the kitchen. Solas was supposed to go to the Hinterlands with Trevelyan right? Maybe after that he’d forget about me and I could fade into the background. Not the best plan but it was the only one I had so far.

I knew he didn’t like tea, so it must have been for me… but I wasn’t supposed to know he didn’t like tea, so I took the water and sipped it. There, I could do this. Act like I know nothing. 

“The tea is for you, Rae.” Solas spoke quietly, still like he was speaking to a spooked horse or something. 

“Oh,” I said just as quietly. I looked at the water in my hands that I had already drank out of. “W-water’s fine.”

Solas looked down at the tea and frowned before speaking again. “It… will help calm you.” 

Meaning he put something in it… Nope. With a capital ‘N’. I wasn’t going to touch it with a ten foot pole now. “I’m calm.”

He looked like he was about to say something but then thought the better of it and gave me a small nod of acceptance before moving towards the door and pulling a cloak( oh yeah, that was my cloak) off of a peg by the door. “It is cold, you will want this. Would you like me to walk with you to the Singing Maiden? It is not hard to miss but if you would like the company…?”

“No!” I shook my head then winced and tried to make it sound less desperate. “No… need to trouble yourself? I can find it.” 

He looked disappointed but nodded. “Very well,” he held the cloak out to me and I just stared at it until he sighed and carefully placed it on the edge of the desk and moved away from it. “Just tell Flissa I sent you.”

“Yes, sir.” I nodded and then cringed because… really? ‘Yes sir’? I practically let him know I thought I was under him… which I really did not want to think about, and… blushing. Yeah… lovely. I did not need that picture, I was trying not to die here.

“It is just Solas.” He smiled but it seemed forced. “I would not stop to speak to anyone, the camp is still unorganized.”. 

“Don’t stray from the path, don’t talk to strangers.” I gave a weak thumbs up. Annnd there was a little red riding hood reference… with the Dread Wolf. I would have giggled if I wasn’t trying to get past him. Giggling would not have been helpful. 

He didn’t stop me as I practically bolted for the door. I yanked it open, only to be hit with an icy blast of air, and was immediately reminded that I had left the cloak on the desk… but there was no way in hades I was going back. 

Instead I folded my arms over my chest and sprinted for the Singing Maiden. It was still dark and cold enough to hurt, but it seemed less deadly than… the Dread Wolf. 

The Singing Maiden was bigger than the game portrayed, which made sense, you couldn’t get every single detail into an already massive game. The place was pretty much empty except for a young boy sweeping the floor and Flissa who leaned over the bar to look at me. “We aren’t serving yet. Come back when the sun’s up!”

I hopped up and down a little to try and warm up. “Uh… Solas sent me?”

Flissa squinted at me critically. “You’re the cook?”

“Yes… ma’am.” Hey I was born southern okay? Some habits were hard to drop, especially when you were still borderline freaking out. 

Flissa sighed and then waved towards the kitchen, “Well, come on then. I need breakfast prepared for those soldiers ready in an hour.”

Soldiers? Like, inquisition soldiers? “Uh… how many mouths? You have a menu made or is it fly by the handle?”

Flissa raised her eyebrows and then shook her head. “We cook what we got, and sell what we cook.”

Lovely. How… organized. But, I did not work in the back kitchens of diners that were most likely mob fronts to call it quits when faced with… oats? I ran a hand over my face. “Do you know what cinnamon is?”

“Do I look like a noble?” Flissa rolled her eyes. “No, we don’t have cinnamon.” 

Okay… I went into the kitchen and was treated to the sight of a kitchen… sort of. I think it was a kitchen, there was a wood burning stove and massive kettles and pots. But the counters and single table was a cluttered mess of sacks, and crates. 

Okay. I could do this. A private breakfast for four, a mass breakfast for who knows how many soldiers… like a restaurant… just subpar ingredients. And equipment. 

I rolled up my sleeves (metaphorically, because it was freezing.) and got to work. Fire started in the stove. (That camping trip had been good for something!) Sacks with flour, oats, salt to one side. Veggies and fruit to another. There were hard loaves of bread that were probably yesterday’s, set out like they wanted to serve that… I cringed internally as I picked it up and rapped it against the counter. It was like a club. 

French toast for Lelianna and company and bread pudding for soldiers? Bread pudding is easy to make in large amounts and I could put nuts and some of that fig like fruit in it. Okay, that was a plan. 

I got to work on the pudding first, because French toast was fairly quick to make for a small amount but bread pudding for a crowd was another thing entirely. By the time I was ready to start the bread pudding I was delighted by the discovery of several sacks of sugar. I had no idea how rare sugar was so I used it sparingly but it would definitely make the bread pudding more palatable. Next time I would have to remember to make a savory pudding, or grits. 

Pudding simmering, I started on the toast, no cinnamon or vanilla so I had to get creative. Fruit. Sugar. Eggs… what I was pretty sure was goat's milk. “These conditions are less than ideal.” I muttered.

I had a few minutes extra so I took the time to work on presentation, I boiled a small bit of sugar to make a tasteful candied drizzle over the bread and fruit on each plate, making them look as identical as possible. And I was feeling quite satisfied with myself when the back door of the kitchen burst open, letting in the frigid air that had finally left the kitchen. I glared at the culprit, who was a peach-fuzz faced boy who was stomping his feet irritably. “Where’s the food for the Councillors?”

“Right here.” I gestured to the plates.

He blinked at them, and then squinted. “You’re supposed to eat that? Looks like those fancy statues.”

It… was just toast.

“How am I supposed to carry that?” He complained, and picked up one of the plates and… he was about to poke the toast. 

“Not like that!” I save the plate from his prodding finger by snatching it from his hand. “Never touch the food. Ever! If you touch it they’ll…” what? Think. Because these people have no concept of contamination. “Think you poisoned it.” 

The boy’s eyes got wide at my tone and he raised his hands and stepped back. “I’m not delivering it.”

But… “But you-“

“No, I’m not touching it.” The boy beat a hasty retreat for the door… which meant that I now needed to get these to the war room… preferably before the tavern was rushing to feed a stampede of soldiers. Wonderful.

“Flissa, the pudding is ready to serve.” I looked around for a tray… and there wasn’t one. Okay, good thing I had five years experience as a waitress under my belt… a sentence I never expected to think. 

Flissa stuck her head into the kitchen and frowned at me as I started balancing plates. “What are you doing?” 

“I got to get these to Le- The Lady Nightingale.” I turned and gave her an apologetic smile. “I’ll be back as quickly as I can.”

Flissa didn’t look too pleased but she moved past me and opened the door for me and- Holy cow that was cold! That cloak would have been helpful right about now but there was no way I was going to be able to go get it now. So, I resigned myself to freezing and made my way from the Maiden to the chantry, precariously balancing four plates. Haven was busier now and I had to bust a few moves to avoid collision and not drop my plates. Who said I had zero skills? Probably me. But I could move an armful of plates through a crowd without dropping them or messing up the presentation.

By the time I made it to the war room I was panting and cold. And irritable. Seriously, did no one see the woman carrying plates? It was common courtesy to move out of the way of the waitress! I had to use my foot to knock, which really was just awkwardly kicking the blasted thing with my toe. 

The door was opened by none other than Josephine who gasped at the sight of ( what I was guessing to be) a red faced woman balancing plates and opened the door wide for me. “Thank you.” I moved into the room and set the plates down carefully on the table, which thankfully had cups and spoons already placed on it. The map was absent, which made sense. 

“I sent someone to collect the meal.” Leliana spoke to my left and I was thanking my lucky stars I had already sent the plates down. Because I would have dropped them. 

“I… think I scared them?” I said apologetically and tried to rub some warmth into my arms. “I just… scolded them a little?” 

Leliana raised an eyebrow. “Whatever for?”

“Oh, uh, they were about to… touch the food… and you’re not supposed to do that.” I shrugged and made myself useful by pouring some tea into the cups laid out. 

“This is-?” Cullen started in a baffled tone and I glanced over my shoulder at her to see him staring at the plate I had set in front of him. “We are supposed to … eat this?”

I blinked and looked down at the plate. Was my presentation off? “Um… if you would like something else, I could-“

“Oh no,” Josephine cut me off in a rush. “This looks and smells divine.” She smiled reassuringly. “What I’m sure what the Commander means to say is, it looks almost too beautiful to eat.”

“It’s… um, toast.” I tried to reassure Cullen it was indeed meant to be eaten. 

“And it’s skillfully prepared.” Josephine almost gushed, carefully cutting into it and lifting a bite to her mouth. I could practically see her eyes rolling back in her head as she chewed. Well, if that wasn't a compliment I didn’t know what was.

“If… everything is to your satisfaction, I think Flissa wants me back right away for the morning crunch- Uh…flood for breakfast.” I really needed to lay off modern lingo.

I could practically feel Leliana’s eyes boring into the back of my head as I made to leave.

“Rae.” She said in an even tone.

I turned quickly to look at her. “Ma’am?”

She frowned slightly at the address. “Why are you not supposed to touch the food?”

Oh boy. I decided to go with the story that I had told the boy. “If you touch it, they might think it’s poisoned. It has to be perfect so they can tell if it’s been tampered with.” I hoped that sounded plausible... 

It must have because she hummed. “Thank you, you may go.” Gladly. I did not want to know what was going on in Leliana’s head. Another wonderful character I fell in love with but in reality, she would probably cut out my liver without blinking. So yeah, I was out of there. 

Only… I ran into Cassandra’s chest, because something out there seems to enjoy my floundering, she was coming in just as I was going out. I murmured an apology just as she griped irritably. “Watch where you are going!”

I was very proud of myself for not snarking back that at least she wasn’t going to be sporting a new bruise (Because my chin had hit her breastplate pretty hard) and just murmured another apology and shut the door behind me. Don’t draw attention. That was how I was going to survive this. 

I braved the cold once more and sighed in relief when I reached my nice, warm… occupied kitchen. Oh. come on! Solas was standing over the bread pudding, serving it into bowls. 

He turned to look back at me and smiled. “I came to check on you. Flissa was having difficulty keeping up and I offered my services until you returned.”

“Oh. Um. Thank you?” That seemed polite. Polite was good.

“You, girl!” Flissa yelled.

I whirled with an automatic ‘ma’am?’. That tone meant orders on the double.

“Make more of that pudding, but with less sugar. We’re trying to make coin, not eat it.”

Right. Okay. Sugar was expensive.

I started gathering up the stuff for another batch of bread pudding, more savory than sweet this time, and also decided to get some bread baking, because that seemed like a staple and I could bake a mean sourdough loaf. Plus the kitchen was warm from cooking so the dough would proof well enough despite the weather outside. I lost myself into my work, and it wasn’t until my fourth automatic call of ‘behind’ that I realized I was doing location calls to… Solas. He was still here, still serving while watching me work. 

Later. Think about it later. And that was exactly what I did, Busying myself with the rush of cooking and running a kitchen. 

Bread pudding for breakfast turned into toasted cheese sandwiches for lunch which turned into stew and bread for supper. A proper stew, with a gravy and seasonings, and sourdough bread. My entire body was aching from the amount of bread I had kneaded. I hadn’t been on dough duty for a very long time, and my muscles would like to remind me of that, thank you very much.

By the time Flissa called an end to the dinner rush, I was practically dead on my feet, but managed a satisfied grin as Flissa dropped three coppers and a silver into my hand. “I’ll expect you earlier tomorrow.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Though how I was supposed to do that without an alarm clock, I had no idea.

I made my way to the door and was prepared to brave the cold once more when something was held up in front of my face… my cloak… dangling from Solas’s hand. Oh… yeah. How stupid of me to forget the Wolf in the room. “Uh.. th-thank you?”

He tilted his head in acknowledgment… suddenly acting more like the Solas I remembered from the game. “You were impressive today.” He said mildly as he opened the door for me and I hastily wrapped the cloak around myself. 

Right, he had watched me all day… like a stalker. I will not hyperventilate, breathe woman. You will not hyperventilate. “Th-thank you.” 

“You seemed to be quite confident, certain of what needed to be done and doing it efficiently.”

That… was a compliment. A big one. Why? “I.. trained a lot?” And why was it so cold? Well, maybe because I was on a mountain, genius. I really needed to stop answering myself.

He hummed and we walked in silence, I hadn’t realized where we were headed until we were at the steps in front of his cabin. I momentarily panicked, I had completely forgotten to ask Flissa if I could stay in the kitchens and now I was going back… into the literal Wolf’s den. No. You will not freak out! You are not allowed to freak out. “Ss-so how is… the Herald?” It wasn’t too soon to call him that was it? 

“Stable.” Solas answered as he moved to open the door, then took two large steps back to give me space. “He should wake tomorrow.” 

Good, that’s good. Sooner Maxwell was awake the sooner Solas left with him to go to the Hinterlands and then he would be their problem. “That’s good.” I sucked at small talk. 

He entered behind me and shut the door… and then I was alone in a cabin with the Dread Wolf. I crossed my arms defensively and glanced around. It was exactly the same as this morning, only there was another tray on the table, this one with two bowls of my stew and sourdough. 

He must have seen where I was looking because Solas spoke quietly. “I noticed you did not eat and took the liberty of saving some.”

When had he had time to do that? And why? I mentally asked that a lot around him. Why? What did he want? Why? And I was staring at the tray. I needed to say something. Something polite, something that isn’t weird or going to get me killed, something- “Thank you.” That seemed safe. Show of gratitude. 

He tilted his head again in acknowledgment and moved, picking up a bowl and slice of bread and moving back to sit on the bed, giving me a wide berth. It was very thoughtful. And suspicious. 

I cautiously took my bowl and ate on the floor at the far end of the other side of the desk, which blocked my view of him. The ‘Out of sight out of mind’ strategy. It worked… sorta, but I was able to eat and mentally plan out the menu for tomorrow. I saw a ram being butchered on my way back from the chantry, maybe I could get some ribs to prepare for the council’s lunch? Rack of ram, so to speak. It might be tougher than I’m used to working with but hey, beggars can’t be choosers. Wow, I was dishing out the idioms today. 

There was a clearing of the throat that startled me; I dropped my bowl which thankfully did not bust and was now empty. I scrambled to pick it up before I looked up to find Solas peering over the desk at me with an unreadable expression. “Would you prefer the bed or the cot?”

Uh… he was letting me choose? Why? I really did not want to sleep on pokey, crinkly straw…. the floor was preferable actually and if I gave him the bed it might put me in sorta good graces. “Cot?” Ugh, why did my voice sound so small? 

Mercifully he didn’t say anything more, just tilted his head in acceptance and set his mostly empty bowl on the tray before turning and moved towards the bed. There was a little shuffling and I cautiously stood to put my bowl on the tray as well to see Solas setting up a X-framed cot not far from the actual bed, but far enough that I wouldn’t feel right on top of him. 

He placed a folded blanket onto it and turned to me with a slight tilt of his head. “Sleep well, Rae.” Not so innocent words coming from you, fella.

He turned and went to the bed, pulling off his sweater as he did and then another shirt, until he was down to a tank type shirt and… I was staring. Wow, eyes down, woman. He would literally kill you in your sleep.

I closed my eyes and crossed my arms berating myself as he finished and I heard the bed shift and creak. When I opened my eyes his back was turned to me, well, at least he wasn’t watching me… I think. He could be tricky, we all know it.

I glanced at the candles on the desk and took a quick look at the floor to make sure I wouldn’t trip on anything before blowing them out. Oh, this was just a wonderful idea. Now I was in the wolf’s den practically blind. Yay, for hindsight. I carefully made my way to the cot and eased down into it… it was hard, but at least it wasn’t pricking me.

As tired as I was I thought I would have just called asleep… nope, no such luck. Because without the rush of cooking and with the sudden quiet, my mind chose that moment to play everything I had lost in front of me. My Mom, Dad, my brother, Haley. My job, my apartment, was it weird I was even missing my school debt? Yes, even that looming cloud of ‘pay me’ was missed and it wasn’t long before tears started failing. What happened? Did I just disappear? Were they looking for me? Or was I dead? A lifeless form of the couch only to be discovered the next day when Haley couldn’t get in touch with me or I didn’t show up for work on Monday? 

There was no stopping my tears now, so I tried to muffle it with the blanket. Solas probably had super elvish hearing… crap, he was probably listening to me right now. Was I keeping him up? Was that enough to warrant getting rid of the skittish shadow in his mind? Keeping him from his precious Fade? 

I tried to box breathe like Haley did when she would have panic attacks but I was probably doing it wrong. I never had anxiety issues or anything. I didn’t need the medications that Haley needed to function. My brain chemicals were fine, normal levels. I was normal. Box breathing was never something I needed before. 

I must have eventually stopped crying and finally fell into an exhausted sleep. Because the next thing I knew I was sitting under the big live oak in mom and dads front yard. How? I stood quickly and looked around, how did I-? Then I saw it, the inconsistencies. The house was kinda hovering, not grounded. The tree roots were larger, and the mail box kept switching colors. Mom was always panting it a new color every year. And there was a vague green tint to everything at the very edge of my vision. 

Wonderful. 

I was dreaming in the Fade. 

His hunting ground. 


	4. Chapter 4

Thankfully, nothing happened in the Fade. I was approached by no one and nothing. I didn’t even see a wisp, let alone the big bad wolf. So, I just sat under the tree and cried. I cried for my parents, my brother, my friends. I cried for my job, for my junk car, my kitchen. I cried for the little kitten I was going to get from my neighbor once it was weaned. I cried for everything I had planned for my life. For all the things I'd never get to do. 

I had no idea how long I had slept, that was weird, to know and be aware the whole time but have no concept of time to go by. I felt a pull… like my name being called but it was garbled and I had no sense of which direction it was coming from. I frowned, wondering if it was a spirit or demon, and made up my mind to ignore it. I did not want to be possessed. Wouldn’t that be pathetic? Barely here forty-eight hours and get possessed?

My name became louder, more insistent, and I covered my ears. Except that did nothing, because this was the Fade. I was inside my own mind. I was about to start humming ‘Kill Earl’ from Dixie Chicks but I felt something tap my arm and I whirled to… nothing. Nothing was there, but I had felt- I felt it again, harder. I was having a Boromir moment: ‘what devilry is this?’

And that was when the voice became clearer. “Rae? Rae.” That was Solas… Solas!?

I flailed, my elbow connected to something that was hard. Solas let out a sharp, pained sound and then I felt him grab my upper arm as I finally pried my eyes open. I had been asleep. He had been trying to wake me up. I…

His nose was bleeding and he was saying something in a low tone but I couldn’t focus past the fact that his nose was bleeding. Oh no… I flinched away from his grip and his fingers tightened on my arm and oh crap I had broken his nose. I was going to die. His hand left my arm and I immediately covered my head with my hands and scrambled back in a useless defensive move that just dumped me on the floor. I was hyperventilating again and he was moving around the cot.

“Please don’t hurt me. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to!” I was going to die, crap! I didn’t want to die. “Please, I’m sorry!”

He stopped moving towards me and seemed frozen in place. My heart was pounding in my chest and I was lightheaded. Did he use a spell? Was I gonna die slowly from a spell? I couldn’t breathe. I tried to pull air into my lungs and I could only get a little. I was going to die. Oh god I was going to die!

Solas crouched in front of me. His lips were moving, he was speaking. Probably telling me why I was dying. Oh god, I couldn’t breathe, I was going to suffocate. His hands came up to my face and I couldn’t move any further backwards. There was a wall behind me and he was reaching for me and then suddenly my face was covered in sharp, shockingly cold fingers.

I inhaled, a distant corner of my mind telling me that it was a shock reflex that killed most of the people that died from falling through ice, but I inhaled, and then coughed. I was shaking and my heart was still racing in my ears, but I could breathe.

“Renae, I will not hurt you.” His voice was calm and firm and… his hands were still on my face. “Breathe, there. In. Out. It was an accident. In. Out.” 

Was Solas coaching my breathing? Yes, yes he was, and it was working. My breath came easier, but my heart was still pounding in my ears as he slowly, torturously slow, pulled his hands from my face, speaking softly the whole time. 

“Rae?” His nose was still bloody, but he was looking at me… and he looked concerned? “Rae? Are you here?”

I swallowed and nodded carefully, not trusting my voice. His nose was still bleeding.

He sighed and slowly sat back on his heels, looking shaken. “Rae, it was an accident. You… I would not harm you.” 

But he would. Because, I wasn’t a person. I was a ‘shadow’. I was expendable. Mercifully, I was still sucking in air and didn’t give voice to my thoughts. His nose was still bleeding.

He looked lost for a moment before moving back. He stood and went over to the desk where there was a kettle. He filled a cup with something steaming and brought it over and cautiously set it down on the floor in front of me like I was a wild animal he was trying to coax out of hiding. “I did not mean to frighten you.” He said quietly as he settled on the ground a good several feet away. 

I stared at him, my mind wondering if this was a trap somehow because.. “Your nose is still bleeding.” 

He blinked and touched his nose, then winced, and pulled a rag from his pocket carefully wiping at the blood. His hand started to glow and I tried not to flinch, I really did, as he started to heal his nose. That I broke. Crap!

“I’m sorry.” I breathed out quickly. 

Solas shook his head and looked back at me, blood miraculously gone from his face. “Don’t… it was my error. I promised I would not touch you again.” He looked down at the tea he had set down. “I only meant to wake you. I called to you but…” 

I hadn’t woken up, that was the pull I felt. I ignored it. “I thought it was a demon.” I blurted out then slapped a hand over my mouth, because in what world did I want this man knowing I dreamt in the Fade? None. Zip. Nada. Zero.

Solas frowned at my hand. “Do not fear your words, Rae. No demon was able to reach you last night.”

Oooookay… how-?

“I knew you were distressed and laid a ward. Your dreams were safe, Rae.”

Which meant that he knew I- who was I kidding? Of course he knew, he knew the moment he saw me just like he did with the Herald. Because he had some sixth… seventh? He could sense the veil so how many senses was that? Elven sense for that.

“Your dreams are safe, and I will not touch you again. I will… find a better way to wake you when needed.” He was still speaking in that low, careful tone, almost… hypnotic even. Was that a thing he could do? Like a snake charmer? But with words and frightened women?

I blinked and shook myself when I realized that I really was zoning out, while staring at his face. I dropped my eyes, saw the tea cup, and tentatively reached for it to busy my hands.

“Ir abelas. I did not wish to cause you distress. I simply was attempting to wake you in time for your work.”

Work. Work!

“Oh crap! Work!” 

I shoved aside my shaky hands and stuttery breathing with all of the practice of a college student severely in debt and about to be late for their job again right after the manager said that you were only allowed to be late three times before you were fired.

I stood, oh so grateful for something else to focus on, and practically ran for the door, pulling on my boots that were sitting neatly by the door… I froze. I didn’t put them there. In fact I didn’t even remember taking them off- nope. Think about it later. I just needed to get out of here and breathe and- 

“Do not forget your cloak.” 

I glanced back at him nervously. He was still sitting on the floor and wasn’t looking at me. I grabbed my cloak and wrapped it around me, hoping that without the excuse of bringing it to me, I could have a day at work without him looming over me. I hesitated at the door. He had woken me up for work. And the tea… and not killing me for breaking his nose. “Th-ank you.” I forced out, then ran.

I arrived at The Maiden, and knocked on the door, because it was locked. I stood there dancing in place, wondering if I was too early, maybe Solas had woke me up early so I could eat without rushing? Aaaand then I immediately felt like a jerk. He was only trying to wake me for my job and I broke his nose. Then he hadn’t killed me for it and instead used the shock method to get me out of my panic, then coached my breathing and got me tea..

The more I thought about it the more horrible I felt. I was actually just about to turn around and go back to apologize when the door opened and Flissa poked her head out to look at me. “Sweet Maker, girl, come in.” She opened the door wider for me to slip in and I put all thoughts of apologizing on the back burner in favor of stepping into the semi warm tavern. “You’re earlier than I expected, have you eaten?”

That question led me to cooking breakfast for her, the young boy (who’s name I learned was Brea and who apparently slept by the fireplace), and myself a simple but savory batch of grits. 

After that I set about mixing a few batches of dough to let rise, then got a pot of oatmeal going. Since Flissa said less sugar, I went with a savory recipe, finely chopping an onion, (thankfully they had it but Brea called it a mourning root… which was kinda funny, because cut improperly, you cry… thus: mourning root. I was way too amused by that.) and sautéing it with a dab of oil and salt. I cut small cubes of (pretty sure it was ram) meat and threw that in with it. Oatmeal done, mixed together, and there you had it: savory oatmeal. 

Now for the council, and on today’s episode of Chopped… where Chopped might actually be literal, I was delighted to discover that Leliana had actually sent a basket of foodstuffs to Flissa yesterday, with a note, (that I could not read, because Thedas did have its own alphabet apparently. Flissa was a dear and read it to me.) and I was instructed to cook breakfast from only what was in the basket. 

Challenge accepted. Especially since there were a few bean stalks… of vanilla! Yes, please! I mean… not that I could use it properly for another six months or so… but still, Flavor! Eventually. I would have to apologize for not using it in their breakfast, but when I was done they would have a mountain of sweet things. Leliana wouldn’t stab me for that. Would she? 

I turned my attention to the rest of the basket which held eggs, a small wedge of cheese, GARLIC! There was Garlic! A whole clove. Pepper! And… I might have stared in awe at the bumpy, green, absolutely beautiful sight!

I reached in and cupped the fruit in my hands in awe. An avocado, in Thedas, in the mountains. “How did you end up here?” I flicked the stem off and it was perfect. “Oh god, you’re going to be the star of the show…”

I think Flissa was giving me a funny look but… there was an avocado, in the mountains. This was a miracle. I gently squeezed it and it was perfectly ripe. “Oh, you’re a beautiful, beautiful little treasure.”

“It looks like a rock.” A voice said right near my shoulder.

I shrieked, and jumped, and reflexively clutched the avocado protectively to my chest and sighed in relief when I saved it from falling. “Blasphemy.” I said and held up my prize and turned to the speaker. “This is a darn treasure!” 

Varric.

That was Varric. Varric Tethras.

Who was almost eye level with me.

Varric.

Who was laughing at me.

Who was a dwarf.

I was almost eye level. 

And that was when I realized that I had been looking up at everyone this whole time. 

…

Oh, come on! That wasn’t fair. I was perfectly average back… home. My apparent shrinkage was probably another reason everyone looked way scarier than they did in the- okay I need to stop thinking of it as a game. Because it wasn’t. This was real and I need to start coming to terms with that.

Oh and now I was starting to cry… in front of Varric, who now looked panicked and raised his hands carefully. “Woah, hey, I didn’t mean to insult your…. treasure.”

Darn it! I didn’t want to cry. Not now. I had an Avocado. “It’s fine.” I swiped at my eyes with my sleeve. Breathe, stop crying at the drop of a hat, woman. 

“I… don’t have to apologize to a rock do I?”

“It’s an avocado.” I sniffled and carefully set it back in the basket, blew my nose on a rag, and then washed my hands. “It’s… rare. And delicious. And there isn’t enough for four people so I’ll have to get creative.” Because if Varric didn’t know what an avocado was… yeah, I was rectifying that.

I racked my brain for a recipe with the ingredients and… “Avocado Eggs Benedict.” I would have to add bread but… she gave me vanilla which didn’t even go with these ingredients.

“Uh…” 

I looked over to see Varric squinting at me. “You are a very strange dwarf.”

“I…” I blinked at him in shock. A dwarf? Me? I realized that I didn’t really have time to just stand and stare at him. “Okay. I’m Rae. Give me a minute and I’m going to blow your mind.” 

“Really? Only a minute? Well, I don’t like to brag but I usually average twenty.”

“I’m good with a knife.” I said distractedly as I started… water, I needed clean water to poach the eggs. Grater. Knife. Pestle. “Pull up a chair.”

“Forward.” Varric laughed and sat on a stool close by. 

“Huh?” He just chuckled and shook his head. I got lost into cooking, making a paste from the avocado, but I did fillet a thin slice off of it, placing it on a spoon with the slightest sprinkle of salt and pepper and handed it to Varric, who gave me a strange look but tasted it.

His eyes blew wide in shock as he rolled it around his mouth. After a minute he huffed a breath. “Wow. That’s pretty good. What is it called again?” 

“Right?!” I grinned at him before turning back to check on the water. “It’s avocado… at least that's what I call it.” I’ll have to see what Leliana calls it. I looked over my shoulder to find Varric slipping something into his shirt pocket and tucking a pencil looking thing into another pocket. Did he-? Cook... I had to cook. Fangirl later. “There’s some oatmeal in the pot, if you want some.” I told him as I carefully started poaching the eggs with a bit of garlic in the water.

I sliced one of my sourdough loaves, and set them on the stove to lightly toast, while that was going I arranged the plates for easy presentation. Eggs poached and patted dry, I spread the avocado thinly onto each slice of toast then carefully laid the eggs on top, salt, pepper, and freshly grated cheese. I hesitated to use the mint as a garnish as it didn’t really go well and looked a little wilty but… oh to heck with it. I broke off the best looking leaves and placed a single leaf on each plate.

I stepped back to look at it and smiled in satisfaction to myself. It looked amazing and I was very, very tempted to snag one but… Leliana would definitely kill me for that. So I would just have to bask in the aroma. 

“So you’re a cook?” I turned to see Varric watching me with an empty bowl of oatmeal in front of him.

That wasn’t obvious? “Uh…. yes?”

“You don’t sound convinced.” He chuckled and leaned back in his seat. 

I gestured grandly towards the eggs benedict. “Oh, I just knitted these. No cooking involved.”

Varric chuckled again and I smiled. Then I was suddenly acutely aware that he was the first companion I had met that didn’t terrify me. 

And as soon as I thought the word 'terrify', I realized the delivery boy probably wasn't going to show up to take these to the war room… “I’m gonna have to deliver these.” I gestured to the plates with a small sigh and threw my cloak on before I began balancing them on my arms. 

Varric watched me for a moment before shaking his head and getting up. “You know it would be easier if you had a tray.”

I gave him a sarcastic look. "No! Really?! I never thought of that! A tray? Who would have thought. Let me pull one out of my ear."

He huffed a laugh and grabbed two of the plates before I could protest. “These are for The Nightingale right?”

"Yes, and don't touch the food itself. I'm not getting accused of trying to poison them because you were curious." Okay, so maybe I was using ‘poison’ as an excuse to keep my plates safe too much but, hey, it worked. 

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” He laughed and opened the door, holding it open with his foot until I was out.

The walk wasn’t as horrible with a cloak, and Varric leading the way. Most everyone parted for him, and you could tell he had a lot of fans be how the people looked at him. So at least my little mental fan freak out wasn’t too weird for him. Maybe he hadn’t even noticed… maybe. I could hope. 

We made it to the war room in record time and I could use my hand this time to knock, just had to balance the plate for a second. This time it was Cassandra who opened the door, she looked at me, then at Varric, then was glaring. “What?”

I looked at her for a second then glanced at the plates and held them a little higher. “Food? For you?” Very eloquent. 

“Oh! Is that the new cook? Have her come in, I want to see what she did with the things I sent.” Josephine spoke up in a delighted tone from behind Cassandra. 

Cassandra glared at Varric again, (like she wasn’t a total fangirl) and opened the door for us. I smiled my thanks and moved to set the plates on the table. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t use everything in the basket. The flavors would have clashed horrifically, but if you give me a few months to properly prepare the vanilla I can make cakes and pies and other creations that will…” I trailed off as I turned to get the other two plated from Varric and noticed the fifth person in the room. Maxwell Trevelyan. The Hherald was here and… how had I missed him waking up? Right, I had been in the kitchen all morning and I had… “I only have four plates.” Why hadn’t they notified me? I would have spread the avocado thinner but… “I didn’t know. I… need to know how many in advance.” 

“We’re hiring cooks out of rifts now?” Maxwell asked, eyeing me closely.

“Well, we got a Herald out of one, why not a cook?” Varric laughed and handed me the plates, saving me from giving Maxwell an answer. 

“I don’t have any more avocado to make more.” I was still fretting over the lack of communication. “These are not optimal working conditions!” 

“Avocado?” That was Leliana. Crap! I had said that aloud, hadn't I?

“Uh…”

“The bumpy, green, oblong fruit.” Once again Varric came to my rescue. Could I just keep him with me, maybe? Probably not.

“Oh, the dragon fruit?” Josephine asked and I could see Leliana watching me carefully. 

So, if avocado was dragon fruit, what did they call an actual dragon fruit? A question for another time. “Um. Yes. I don’t have another to make more.” I couldn’t help but add. (Because, I seemed to have no concept of self preservation this morning) “Because I didn’t know how many I was cooking for.” 

Leliana was looking at me intensely before completely ignoring my fumble and saying. “You know Trevelyan?”

Because of course she got the report of me just blurting out his name. I had not considered it and had no answers prepared, so I floundered for a reasonable answer but Maxwell smiled brightly. “In passing. She gave me a drink.” 

Okay, so, he hadn’t actually lied…. and Solas had said that I had dragged him into the room with the Divine… okay, maybe I knew him and didn’t remember. Which brought up another thought… did the Nightmare take my memories too?”

I shifted from foot to foot nervously, and then took a half step towards the door. “Flissa will probably want me back… soon… so…?” 

Josephine smiled at me. “Yes, Solas notified us of your new job. Is Flissa treating you well?”

Why was she speaking to me?! “Um… Yes, ma’am.”

“How are you going to  _ prepare _ the shadow beans?” Leliana asked in a complete turn around, but at least I knew the answer to this one intimately. 

“Purchase a bottle of the best brew Flissa has and place it in the bottle to soak Five to eleven months. That will give me a potent extract that explodes in the best flavor for baking.” I would make my own every once in a while… there were three bottles curing on the top of my fridge… which I would never get to sample. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. “Um… is that all?”

Cullen pushed the plate meant for him towards Maxwell with a murmur that he had already eaten… which, given the sweat on his brow and the way his hand was a little shaky, that was probably a lie. And I briefly wondered if I should risk making him bland bread and oatmeal for breakfast and supper… who was I kidding? I was already making plans. Just because he could snap me in two and was more scary in person did not mean I wasn’t going to try and help him survive his withdrawals. 

“That will be all, thank you.” Josephine gave me a smile. “Breakfast is beautiful as always and I’m sure it tastes delicious.” 

I mumbled a ‘thank you’ and made my escape, practically bolting out of the door… and running into the chest of (you guessed it, the elvhen god we all know and… love? Yeah gotta change that) Solas.

I staggered backwards, almost losing my balance with how quickly I moved away from him, and then tried to hide my flinch when he reached for me by hugging myself. “I’m sorry.” 

Solas frowned and his hands dropped back to his sides. “It was an accident.”

“Chuckles,” Varric greeted him in a teasing tone, because he was lucky and had no idea exactly who he had dubbed ‘Chuckles’. Oh to be ignorant. “Heard you’re Jumpy’s babysitter until the Nightingale’s satisfied.” 

Jumpy? “Jumpy? Seriously?!” I turned to him in disbelief. Part of me hurt at getting such a mediocre nickname, the other part slightly gleeful. 

“You don’t like it?” 

“I have other traits.” I may have whined, then realized that Solas was watching me closely and shut my mouth. Then quietly added. “Rae’s fine.” 

Varric hummed but he looked to be studying me and Solas for a moment. “I’ll have to think of something then.” 

“Kitten suits her I think.” Solas said suddenly and my brain did a three-sixty, because was Solas suggesting a nickname? What?! “She has a severe dislike of the cold, enjoys warm fires and basking in the sun.” 

Uh… one: that was all correct, and two: how did he-? He’s only known me like… two days?

“Huh.” Varric said, looking at me consideringly. “I’ll have to think about it.”

“It’s… better than jumpy.” I tentatively offered. Creepy or not, Solas had suggested it so… siding with him might be a good idea? Maybe? Ugh, I needed to get out of here. Flissa! “Um, Flissa’s probably looking for me.”

“She is, I told her I would fetch you.” Solas said mildly. 

Aaaaaand he was still checking up on me. Lovely. I ducked my head and pulled the hood of my cloak up. “I’ll be right there.”

I stepped to the side and hurried past Solas and towards the Chantry doors. 

“So. You often get weepy over food?” I was proud of myself for not jumping out of my skin when Varric spoke. He had followed me outside without me realizing. 

“Um.” I wanted to say no, but I had literally wept the first time I successfully made a souffle that did not make my instructor cringe. “Food is… important? Necessary for survival… all that stuff. Without proper nutrition, you can… have a lot of problems.” 

“So… any reason you acted like Chuckles was going to light you on fire if you disagreed with him?” He asked, walking beside me and then had to stop and turn to look at me because I stopped dead in my tracks. I was mentally reeling. I couldn’t really deny it but I couldn’t exactly explain why- “He didn’t seem the type to…” he trailed off but gave me a serious look. “If he has touched you I can-“

Oh no, “No! No, he… he hasn’t hurt me.” I rushed to assure him. That was not the type of attention or speculation Solas would appreciate. “He… is my keeper.” I said lamely. “I… am a bit dependent on his goodwill to not... “ I was still searching for the right word when we reached the back door of The Maiden. 

“Hey. You can come find me if people give you trouble.” He said faux casually. His hands were tucked in his pockets and he was looking down the street.

“Um. Thank you. Besides the looming threat of suspicious spymaster no-one has really… bothered me.” I rubbed my chin, that was still sore from running into armor, and then added. “I don’t think Cassandra likes me, but that seems… normal.”

Varric huffed and nodded before gesturing to the door. “Go on, I’ll drop by for dinner. Rumor has it they got a better cook.”

He turned and started walking away leaving me standing there just... Because Varric Freakin’ Tethras liked my cooking! I may have squeaked… who am I kidding? I did squeak.

  
  
  



	5. Chapter 5

The rest of the day was a blur of baking and cooking. Toasted cheese sandwiches again for lunch. Then I showed Brea how to make dough for noodles. Flissa came in at one point and I was able to talk her into giving me a small bottle of (well, it smelled like bourbon… so) bourbon instead of my payment for the day and tomorrow. I set the vanilla into the bottle and capped it, wondering if it would have time to cure before Haven fell… hopefully, else I was dragging a bottle of curing vanilla through the snow. ‘Priorities’ and all that. I should probably try to get a bag or something… Think about it later.

Varric was true to his word and showed up right before the Maiden started serving dinner. Which was a savory soup with noodles, leek, and (Because chickens were for laying and not eating until they couldn’t lay anymore, so) ram. It was a hit. Imagine if I could actually use chicken? 

But I was quickly learning that my standards were much, much higher than the average Thedasian… what I considered a serviceable but not balanced flavorwise stew, Thedasians paid out the nose for. 

"So where'd you learn to cook like this?" Varric asked over his bowl. He had apparently sweet talked (probably bribed) Flissa to let him sit in the kitchen and watch.

"School." I huffed, elbows deep in bread dough and aching. "Brea, so help me you had better wash your hands before you stick your hand in that."

I rushed over to save the noodles from getting dirt in them, and had half forgotten about Varric by the time I went back to the dough. Which meant I jumped out of my skin when he spoke again.

"What kind of school?"

I gave him a flat, amused look. "A fishing school. What kind of school do you think teaches cooking?"

Varric chuckled again, (like he enjoyed my snarky remarks) and took another spoonful of soup. “You’re a surfacer? No tattoo, which means you're far enough away from carta.”

Ah, yeah because I’m short. “I’m not actually a dwarf.” I huffed kneading the dough a little forcefully. “I’m just… short.” Now, I was a good 5’6… maybe I was still 5’6 and everyone was just 6 1/2 and 7 feet average. Oh my goodness which meant Bull was probably around 8-9 feet. That was going to be terrifying. 

Varric hadn’t said anything so I looked up to see him looking me over. When he saw me raise an eyebrow at him he hummed. “You are skinny for a dwarf.” 

I rolled my eyes, because I was not skinny. I had some flab, I didn’t consider myself obese but I did visit the plus side of the asle. I was a cook and a decent one. My dad used to say ‘find a skinny cook and you’ve found a horrible cook.’ “Small boned. I have some cushion.”

“Do you?” Varric sounded teasing.

“I’m not lifting my shirt to show you my stomach squish.” I rolled my eyes again and turned to stir the second pot of soup then froze when I saw Solas standing there and watching me with a slight head tilt. My instinct was to shrink back and go hide, but Varric was watching and I really, really didn’t want Solas to be… I forced a smile on. “Oh. Um. Supper?” 

“The Herald asked me to acquire some for him.” He said evenly, but there was a tinge of… was that relief in his voice?

That, that I could do. “I made soup.” I had also made small personal buns for the council’s breakfast sandwiches in the morning. They were still warm, so I moved around the kitchen to get a clean bowl and plate and serve the soup. I lamented not being able to do much in the way of presentation… but maybe…? I was suddenly hit with inspiration and tested the bun’s crust and it was hard enough for my idea. Grabbing a knife, I cut out the center and ladled the soup inside of it. It held. A sprig of leftover mint I had put in water to perk up completed it. Perfect! 

“That is oddly neat.” Varric. Directly over my shoulder, behind my head, and I jumped… again.

“How can you seriously move so quietly?” I grumbled and began searching for a spoon,

“Practice.” Varric laughed and stepped back.

“You’re supposed to let people know where you are in an active kitchen. Last thing anyone needs is for boiling water to be splashed or a knife to swing wide, or a plate to be dropped because the people in it aren’t doing calls.” I groused and then picked up the plate. “Plate coming through! See? Like that.” 

He chuckled and held up his hands in surrender then picked up the ladle. “I’ll just be over there making sure the soup doesn't burn. Better?”

“Much. Thank you.” I turned and then felt my smile falter when I saw Solas still standing there, but put my waitress smile back on. “Could you… uh, the door?” 

Solas actually smiled at me and looked pleased (so act casual? Is that what he wanted?) as he opened the door and stepped back. “Do you intend to deliver it yourself?” He asked almost conversationally.

“Um… yes?” I asked uncertainly. Was he wanting to take it? Maybe foster some good will with the Herald… you know, because he has goals? “Unless you wanted…?” I held up the plate carefully. 

He shook his head. “No, he is in his cabin. Do you know where that is?” I started to nod but froze, I wasn’t really supposed to know… crap. I shook my head, hoping he would think I was just too hasty in my answer and didn’t realize what he had asked. 

It must have worked because he gave me clear directions. I gave him a mumbled ‘thank you’ and hurried on. I didn’t want the soup to get cold. Which wasn’t hard in these conditions. I hoped Skyhold wasn’t this cold, but it was in the mountains as well so it probably was. Ugh I miss my south… my south not this Thedas south.

Aaand not going to cry because my world was literally upside down now. Was I going to be all teary every time something reminded me of home? Yeah, probably for a while. 

I tried to take my mind off of home and the cold by turning my thoughts to Maxwell Trevelyan. He was the one person everything hinged around. His decisions and actions. Now how could I help him make the right choices? Did I even want to try? I couldn’t tell them I was from another world, or anything like that, things could go horribly wrong. And by horribly wrong I mean:, me dead or worse. 

Can’t very well say I’m from the future either and seer didn’t quite fit because I would have to be terribly vague and aloof, two things I wasn’t good at. I still didn’t quite know what to, or if I would even, say to him when I reached his cabin and knocked nervously.

“Enter.” 

Okay… old fashioned English? I opened the door and stuck my head in. Maxwell was sitting at the desk, bent over paper and scratching away with a quill. “Um… Dinner?”

“Set it down.” Came his, rather clipped, reply. Okay… so, really not the best time to talk to him then. Not that I had actually made up my mind to. 

I moved quietly and set the plate down, pleased to see the crust still holding strong against the soup. Maybe next time I can make it more creamy though. I had spotted a few bags of what looked like potatoes, next to the back door. Maybe, a potato soup tomorrow? Yeah, that would probably be another hit, potatoes were-

“You’re Rae, correct?”

I had been so caught up in my thoughts I was almost to the door when Maxwell spoke. “Um… yes… sir.” I added the last part hastily, reminding myself that he was now the Herald and as Solas once put it. ‘Posturing’.

“You don’t sound terribly certain.” He laughed with a friendly smile. 

“Oh. I… hear that a lot, actually.” I gave him a tentative smile in return.

“So is it your real name?”

I felt a flash of panic, but he seemed… more amused than accusing. “It’s… a nickname, um. A shorter part of my full name. So yes, it’s my real name. Sort of.”

He laughed and set aside his quill, leaning back in his seat. “Sort of? What is your full name?”

“Renae,” my last name didn’t mean anything now. “Renae… or,” I made a slight squishing gesture with my hands. “Rae.” 

“Unique name.” Was it? It was kind of popular- nope, not gonna think about it and start crying. Nope. “It sounds Orlesian, but you don’t have the accent.” He continued, learning forward to smell the soup. 

“Oh. It might be? I’m not sure. I’m… displaced?” That seemed like a safe way of putting it. “I don’t really come from anywhere.”

“Orphaned?” He asked casually, not even looking at me as he picked up the spoon and tasted the soup. He hummed approvingly as he tore off a piece of bread and leaned back, asking.“No family?” Before popping the bread into his mouth. 

I blinked back tears. Because I would absolutely not cry. “Not… anymore.” 

Maxwell hummed as he chewed thoughtfully. “We seem to have been lucky to find you when we did. Any later and the demons probably would have robbed us of an excellent cook.”

I nodded, still fighting the sting in my eyes. “Yes sir.” What was I even doing in here still? He didn’t need to talk to me. Best I just keep my head down and stay alive… hopefully a valuable cook but that’s all. A live cook. “I… um, need to get back.” I fumbled out as I took a few steps towards the door. “Uh, enjoy the food.” I had almost had my hand on the handle when…

“You knew my name.”

Crap.

“You saw what the demon was about to do, before it did.” 

Double crap. 

“At the temple you had me follow you, because you knew something was happening.” He studied me for a long moment before giving me a relaxed smile. “Does that happen often? Knowing things before they happen?”

And there it was. My chance to help… or get killed as a malificer… or spy. 

He seemed to read my hesitation, because he stood slowly and spread his hands in a placating manner. “You need not worry, I have already benefited from your… intuition? Yes, let’s call it that.” He smiled and it was… disarming? “You likely saved my life as surely as I did yours.”

He did cut off the Terror’s head. I nodded slowly and he continued to smile but took a step back, giving me room. “I’m… not-“ not what? I couldn’t tell him I’m not a seer without telling him the truth… Who in their right mind would believe that? So, I hugged myself, inhaled for courage, and jumped off the point of no return. “I… often enough? To help sometimes?”

Maxwell’s smile turned victorious. “I knew it.” He turned and grabbed his chair next to his desk and spun it to face the bed and gestured to it. “Sit down. I would like to talk.” I hesitated and his eyes narrowed. “I would rather do so without the spymaster, but if you would prefer…?”

“No! No, I’ll…” I blurted out and moved towards the chair. I really, really didn’t want to find out what Leliana’s ‘questioning’ was like.

Maxwell smiled as I sat down and patted my shoulder lightly. “Good girl.” 

I blushed. That felt… demeaning, but it was probably just Thedas… weirdness. People were called ‘girl’ and ‘boy’ a lot here. Flissa called me ‘girl’.

He walked a steady circle around me and I tried not to flinch when he moved behind me. He was so tall. “Can you control it?”

I shook my head.

“Pity.” He came around to crouch in front of me so he was eye level. His eyes studying my face and features. “You looked like a dwarf but not as… squared, softer. Are you half blooded?”

“I don’t… think so?” I hazarded. I hadn’t really had a chance to check if I was in a new body or not besides figuring out I wasn’t an elf.

“Right. ‘Displaced’ you said.” He reached towards my face and I flinched back and then froze when he touched my ear. “Mostly likely not elf blooded. Most of them have a slight point here if you know to look for it.” He pinched the shell of my ear lightly before pulling his hand back. “And you didn’t wince. That spot is tender to them.”

My stomach suddenly dropped like a rock when the questions of how he would know these kinds of things jumped into my mind. None of the answers supplied by my mind were pretty. 

“At least one human parent then, I’d wager.” He sat back and looked at me again. “So a mystery. What comes next?”

“Next?” I couldn’t help but cover my ear with my hand and lean away slightly. I was feeling… incredibly uncomfortable.

His eyes flicked over my face before he smiled easily and moved to sit on the edge of the bed. “Yes. Next. I think I should try and figure out how accurate your... intuition is.”

“Oh. Um…” I wasn’t sure if I wanted to tell him now but… I was already in too deep. So, I wracked my brain for the order of events. “After… the Inquisition is formed… the Hinterlands? Helping the people there brings influence, and there’s… a Chantry Mother that will help you do… something important?” My brain was drawing a lot of blanks right now, probably because he was still looking at me with a strange intensity though his body language was relaxed. It was setting off all sorts of alarm bells. 

He hummed and tilted his head. “Terribly vague. Do you have anything… specific? Just for evidence, you understand.”

If I didn’t he could give me to Leliana and if Leliana got me then… I really didn’t want to think of those possibilities. “There… is a ram? It’s lost, and if you return it to the man searching, he will pay you, but if you attack it, it will turn into a demon and attack you.” 

“A demon?” Maxwell frowned and tapped his fingers together in a thoughtful gesture. “We’ll have to see how accurate this is. But until then…” he stood and I tried not to flinch at the sudden movement, and he smiled at me. “Until then, I suppose we’ll keep this between the two of us, yes?” He gave me a friendly, easy smile and I found myself nodding.

“Good girl.” He gestured for me to get up and grabbed the back of the chair when I did, moving it back to the desk. “Deliver a dinner here every evening unless I’m dining with the council.” He said, sitting down to begin eating. 

I was apparently dismissed. I mumbled out a ‘yes sir’ and beat it for the door. My heart was pounding the whole walk back to The Maidan. 

Maxwell Trevelyan. I wasn’t… entirely sure why I was so unsettled. He hadn’t… hurt me or threatened me… I mean, there had been the bit about Leliana, but it was… natural? Expected? To need to get information from a random woman thrown from a rift with ‘intuition’ right after the Conclave had exploded and there was a hole in the sky… He seemed a bit… entitled, I guess would be the word, but… he was a noble. A noble suddenly thrown into an impossible situation and presented with a mystery.

A ‘mystery’. My shape was a mystery. I paused outside the door and looked around before impulsively reaching down and yanking off one boot and then pulling up the cuff of my pants. I let out a sigh of relief at the familiar glossy patch of scar tissue from where I had dropped boiling syrup on my leg in the early days of school. This was my body. 

“Something wrong?” I jumped and had to catch myself with a hand on the wall before I fell. The soldier who spoke was looking at me in concern. 

“Just… my leg? Um. Checking. You know?” I flailed mentally, feeling shaken and just lifted my pant leg again to show the scar tissue to him before dropping it just as quickly to pull my boot back on.

He gave me a sympathetic glance and tapped his thigh. “I know.”

I glanced down and saw his leg was missing from the knee down. He was leaning on a crutch. Oh. 

He then smiled. “You are the new cook for Flissa right? You’re really good. Food’s never been better.”

Oh. “I- thank you.”

He hesitated. “You… I don’t know much about cooking, but I could use some work. Do you think...”

I blinked at him for a moment and shrugged my aching shoulders. “Work?” Oh, my shoulders were aching. “We… can speak to Flissa? I could definitely use someone to be kneading bread while I focus on other things.” The idea sounded even better the longer I spoke. “I’m running myself ragged with trying to make bread on top of everything else and kneading bread can be done sitting down.” 

“If there’s a chance, I’ll take it. Hard to find work like this.” He said wryly. “Can’t go home either, so…” He shrugged.

I held out my hand. “I’m Rae.”

“Lionel.” He smiled down at me and took my hand. That he was smiling that earnestly while still missing a limb in a time of basically medieval medical practices, unless you were lucky enough to have a mage on hand, said a lot about his character. 

And if Flissa didn’t hire him… well, I might have to myself. I had a bed, it wasn’t like Solas was charging me rent… at least he hadn’t said anything. And I wasn’t gonna starve.

Fortunately, while it took a bit of talking about kitchen organization and maybe a few blatant statements about being able to feed more mouths and thus get more money, she did hire him, and even let him have a place by the fire with Brea. Say what you wanted about Flissa, under the business… and you know actually being one of Leliana’s, that woman was a softy. 

It wasn’t until I was back at the steps of Solas’ cabin that I realized I had once again forgotten to ask to stay in the Maiden. I considered going back but… I didn’t want Varric to get too… ‘Varric’ if he found out I was… avoiding Solas. Ugh. I tentatively knocked on the door. 

It was only a few seconds before Solas opened the door and stepped back, holding it open for me and smiling slightly. “Good evening, Rae.” 

I tried not to look like a scared deer and forced myself to walk in and hang my cloak on the peg. “Uh.. g-good evening.” Curse my traitorous voice. 

His smile slipped slightly but he covered it by asking. “Have you eaten?”

I considered lying, because I wasn’t really hungry but I noticed the tray was on the desk again, with two bowls of soup and bread. Meaning he had not only gotten me a bowl but had waited on me to eat as well. I wasn’t quite sure how I felt about that, but now I felt bad for considering lying. I shook my head. 

He seemed… pleased by that? I don’t know why but. Pleased was good wasn’t it? I wanted to be on his good side so. Pleased was good. 

We ate in silence. I didn’t hide behind the desk, which also seemed to please him. I sat on my cot and he sat on the bed and it was weird. It wasn’t until we were done eating and I (in some small way to earn brownie points because I felt that I owed him that… I did break his nose) offered to take his bowl to set it on the tray did he speak to me. 

“How was today?” He asked quietly… almost tentatively as I set the bowls down. 

“Um… good, I think.” Because what are you supposed to tell the Dread Wolf when he asks about your day? I felt like I needed to give him more than just ‘Good.’ “Flissa hired someone to help me in the kitchen.” 

“Good.” Was his verbose reply. 

We lapsed into silence again as Solas got up and moved to the desk and began working. His work apparently involved reading through multiple books and jotting down notes before pulling out another. I sat on my cot for a while, unsure if I should just lay down and try to sleep or stay awake until he was finished. 

It wasn’t until my head was nodding and my eyes were sliding closed of their own accord did I hear Solas. “You need rest, Rae.” 

I was too tired to put on a brave face or even care that it was Solas who told me. I barely managed a nod and pulled the blanket over my shoulders before I fell asleep.

I was again treated to the sight of the Fade, only this time I was kneading dough in the Maiden’s kitchen. Not a demon/spirit in sight, yet again. 

I tried to focus on just kneading the dough, but it wasn’t long before I was on the floor bawling my eyes out. Because it was when there was nothing else to focus on, nothing I had to do for my own survival, that was when the reality of everything always kept crashing down. So I cried.    
  



	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for this chapter. Panic attacks and conditioning. Emotional and verbal abuse.

Solas apparently decided to try something else to wake me up… ice cold blast of air on my feet. It worked spectacularly, but I (in my still sleep addled mind) glared at him before I realized that I was, but he only chuckled, and held up a cup of tea. 

I didn’t intend to speak this morning, but breakfast was my bread, toasted with a tastes-like-fig spread. He had seemed… pleased by minimal attempts at conversation and I was curious, so I swallowed and then tentatively asked. “Do you know… what kind of fruit this is?” 

He smiled and stood, walking over to the bed and reaching into the pack set next to it. He pulled out a jar and held it up. “Most call them heart pears, but the elvhen had another name for them…” he paused as if cutting himself off from giving a complete lesson on the origin of the fruit. “They grow in the Arbor Wilds.” 

“Wh-what were they called?” Dangerous question, but he liked questions. Right? “The ancient elvhen. What… did they call them? If you know. I mean… I just...” I was beginning to breathe a little faster so I shut my mouth and tried to remember how to box breathe. 

“Gra’lath’uil.” He said with a pleased smile and held the jar out to me. “Loosely translated, it-“ he suddenly chuckled. “Is basically the same name.”

“Gra’lath’uill.” I carefully, and quietly, pronounced the name. I knew lath meant love, but the rest was outside my elvhen knowledge.

“Uil.” He corrected quietly, “Do not hold the end sound so long.” I adjusted it and he nodded. “Good.”

Huh… maybe playing student would help stay on his good side too. He seemed… happy. I carefully rolled the jar in my hands, I could see the tiny seeds and it looked for the world to be Fig preserves. “What… do they look like whole?” I asked and then I immediately wanted to facepalm because that was a stretch of belief.

But he just gave me that relieved, pleased smile again and pulled a paper from his desk and made a few quick lines on a scrap of paper before showing me a…

“That’s a fig.” The words were out of my mouth before I thought about them. All that poetic mystery and stuff and… it was a fig. Turns out, the fig like fruit… was a fig.

I wasn’t prepared for the delighted expression that crossed his face before he covered his mouth with his hand and appeared to be trying not to laugh. “A much simpler name than most.” 

Uhhh… I tried to just shrug. He really didn’t look upset about me replacing his lyrical name with a three letter word that sounded like it tumbled out of the mouth of a toddler in comparison, quite the opposite actually. He seemed happy. Happy about teaching? Or me talking? Or learning a new word? At this rate I was going to have a headache before I left for work.

Work. 

I shoved the rest of the toast in my mouth and chased it down with my tea. I carefully set the jar down on the desk. “I gotta go.”

“Of course.” He sounded a little disappointed but he stood and…. handed me the tray he had been using for our food. “This should make it easier to deliver the council’s breakfast.”

I had to shake myself, because I just stood there like an idiot gaping at him for a few moments, and forced myself to move and accept it, because a tray would make everything so much easier. “Th-thank you.” 

He just smiled and sat back down and opened a book. “Have a good day.”

Ooookay. Was it me or did that sound… domestic? It was probably me. I grabbed my cloak off of the peg and tucked the tray under my arm. It was still cold, but soldiers had put out torches so my walk wasn’t in complete darkness this morning. 

I knocked briskly on the door and it was Lionel who opened it for me, smiling brightly. “Good morning, Rae.” 

I smiled back, instantly grateful to Flissa for hiring him, I could tell his presence in the kitchen was going to make things easier. Not only with the workload, but for the companionship. 

It didn't take long long to show Lionel how to knead dough. It took longer to show him how to properly wash his hands and when I expected him to. He was cheerfully confused but agreeable, and soon he was set up at a table with some sourdough, Brea was cutting firewood, and I got to work getting breakfast together.

There was another basket awaiting me (carried by a far too cheerful for this time of the morning Varric) once I got another large batch of savory oatmeal going for Flissa’s customers. There were tomatoes, onions, eggs, milk, cheese, and pork belly in the basket. Quiche it was. 

It wasn’t hard and took only half the time to get started. Varric tried to hover over my shoulder and watch, but I shooed him to go stir the oatmeal and I passed the time the quiche took to cook jumping between checking the oatmeal and helping Lionel with the dough and talking with both of them. 

Lionel was the sixth son of a minor lord, he had only narrowly escaped being given to the chantry by his aunt’s insistence that he stay with her. She wasn’t rich but she was widowed and childless. He was never close to his father or mother, both had rarely visited, and he grew up under his Aunt who treated him like her own. She had passed away, when he was fourteen and by that time he was basically as good as dead to his parents, so he became a merc to survive. He had signed up as a guard for one of the nobles attending the conclave. That's how he lost his leg. 

By the time he was done telling his story the food was done and the dough was set aside to rise. I was arranging the quiche on the plates, garnishing with tomato slices when Varric asked. “Aren’t you going to read the note?”

Note? Crap, there was a note. Probably with instructions for the food that I couldn't read. And the food was already done. Crap. “Oh. Um. I’m…” I lifted the tomato slices in my hands. “Uh, busy? Could you read it out loud for me?”

Varric gave me an… oddly soft look before nodding. “Sure. ‘Rae, As per your request, I am informing you that there will be five for breakfast this morning. I look forward to seeing what you create with these’.” He paused and his mouth quirked in a smile. “I’m not going to bother reading all the titles. It’s from Ruffles.” 

Oh good. I had actually made five plates. (Just in case) I finished garnishing the plates, then eyed the leftover quiche in the pan. I wasn’t certain if I was allowed to… but there was plenty? So I divided the leftover quiche between Flissa, Brea, Varric, Lionel, and myself. There wasn’t much to go around really, but it was just for the experience. 

I smiled in satisfaction at the little hum of appreciation everyone made when they tasted it as I loaded the plates onto a tray, adding some rolls just in case Cullen’s stomach wasn’t doing well today, and grabbed my cloak off the rack. “Brea, can you get the door for me?” 

“Sure,” Brea said, stuffing the last bit of his quiche into his mouth and opening the door for me as I hefted the tray. 

“I’ll be back.” I lowered my voice and did my best Schwarzenegger impression from Terminator… only to get blank stares… because of course nobody here would get that and I just looked really weird. Right. “Nevermind.”

I made my escape from the embarrassment and ducked my head against the cold blast of wind. It was windier this morning, and I had to keep my head down to keep snow out of my eyes. Thankfully, I managed not to bump into anyone (probably because everyone in their right mind who didn’t have a job to do was safely inside.) and reached the chantry with the rapidly cooling quiche. I really needed to make insulated lids or something. 

The tray made it easy to balance the food with one hand against my hip so I could open the chantry door by myself. I sighed in relief when the door closed behind me, because even though the chantry wasn’t as toasty as my kitchen, it was a far cry warmer than outside. I propped the tray back on my hip and let my hood back so I wasn’t ‘suspicious cloaked woman’, and then froze when I saw Solas emerging from Josephine’s office. 

He saw me and smiled. “Rae.”

Uh. “Solas?” Why did that come out as a question? Seriously?! 

Solas took it just the way I feared he would. An invitation to talk. “I was dropping off my report on the Veil for the Ambassador.” 

That must have been what he was working on last night. He worked fast. He was looking at me expectantly and I realized he must have asked me something I didn't catch because I, like an idiot, zoned out. “Uh…” I held up the tray. “Food.”

He gave me a funny look and I probably was way off the mark of what he had asked but he smiled slightly. “I am glad to see the tray helped.”

The tray, right because he gave it to me. “Yes, um, thank you. It’s a lot easier… with a tray.” And the quiche was probably cold by now. Crap, cold eggs were never appetizing. “Um.. it's probably cold.”

He gave me another funny look before hesitantly (why hesitantly?) saying, “If you wish, I can amend that for you.”

Oh, that’s why he was hesitant. Trying not to make me freak out in public. Not that I was exactly uncomfortable with magic just… crap. But it was a good public act of trust, maybe this would keep Varric from being too suspicious? Not that I was really wanting to keep Solas’ secret, I mean the dude was probably going to commit genocide, but I needed to survive this… so. “Oh? C-could you?”

He nodded, giving me another relieved looking smile. “Yes.” He took a few steps so he was closer and held his hand over the plates.

I watched in slightly terrified fascination as the quiche began emitting wisps of steam without wilting the tomato garnish. “Wow.” The word was out of my mouth before I realized I had said it. Solas was smiling still, so he was pleased with it. “Um, thank you.” I was saying that to him a lot. But it seemed safe. “That’s…” Impressive seemed too… fawning? “I mean… Useful.” Oh, for the love of… shut up!

“Very useful.” He agreed and turned to look at the door to the war room. “They are probably waiting for you.” Why did he sound… regretful? But he was giving me an out so I was going to take it.

“Oh yes, um, thanks again.” I sidestepped him and beat it for the door. I knocked, not daring to look back to see if Solas was watching me, but I thought I could feel his eyes on my back.

Cullen opened the door this time, he nodded to me and stepped back to open the door wide enough for me to come through. Everyone was there this morning, aaaand the table had a map laid out on it and I couldn’t set the tray down on the map, because that would be rude. I glanced around and spotted a chair. It would have to work.

I carefully sat the tray down and tried not to listen as they spoke about how to respond to the Teryn of Highover. It was a simple mission if I remembered correctly, you couldn’t really choose wrong. Unless of course you just decided not to do it… which Maxwell seemed to be suggesting. “This is a waste of our resources.” 

“It is a show of respect, Herald.” Josephene spoke delicately. “A way to both honor Divine Justinia and potentially gain a few allies.”

“‘Potential’,” Maxwell huffed and shook his head. “The woman is dead. Best our resources go to find who blew the hole in the sky.”

That wasn’t good. The Inquisition was still fledgling right now, and Josephine needed all the support she could get from the nobles. Not to mention it was a potential Hero of Ferelden’s brother. I bit my tongue as I handed a plate to Cullen, the man looked like he was fighting off a headache and I slipped a plain roll onto his plate just in case the quiche wasn’t tempting to him. 

I handed Cassandra and Leliana their plates next as they didn’t seem to be entangled in the conversation. Leliana looked at the plate and smiled… actually smiled. I wasn’t sure if I sould be happy or scared. Probably a little bit of both.

I went back to get Josephine and Maxwell’s plates and ended up standing there awkwardly as they argued… well, Maxwell argued and Josephine reasoned. I gained a great deal of respect for Josie as she remained calm in the face of Maxwell’s growing irritability. He seemed to be digging his heels in just to dig them in, it seemed.

“Oh no, heavens forbid you use your precious resources on things like gaining noble favor so you can, you know, get more and better resources to find who blew a hole in the sky. Ever hear of investing?” I muttered under my breath after my arms started getting tired from holding the plates and waiting. Then felt the blood drain from my face as I realized I had said that out loud and now the room was silent. Oh no. 

Maxwell was glaring. Crap. “Intuition… Rae?” He asked in a condescending tone. 

Crap. This was not what I wanted. I just wanted to deliver the food and go back to my kitchen. My nice warm, council free kitchen. “I made quiche.” I blurted out and held the plates out, desperately praying internally that they would just dismiss the tiny cook’s muttering.

“Oh, thank you.” Josephine smiled and took her plate though her eyes cut between me and Maxwell as she asked. “What were you saying?”

Crap crap crap. What do I say to that? What do I tell her? I don’t want to be on Maxwell’s bad side, that was almost as bad as Solas’s. “Just… something I heard a merchant say? Once? About… spending coin to get coin. It was just…” I flailed mentally. “I hear a lot of… stuff. People forget the servers are around?” I winced, that made me sound like a spy. Good job, pea brain! “I normally stay in the kitchens? I like the kitchens. They’re… quiet?”

“Unlike yourself?” Maxwell was still glaring and I was awkwardly holding out the plate he had yet to take.

“Yes, sir.” That seemed like a safe answer.

Maxwell finally stepped forward and took the plate, but gave me an intense, pointed stare as he did so. Right. I needed to leave, sew my mouth shut and bury myself under the chantry. Got it. I mumbled an ‘excuse me’ as I grabbed the tray and beat it for the door. I don’t think I breathed until it was safely closed behind me.

I tried not to think of the mess I had stepped in while I walked back to the Maiden. If Leliana didn’t kill me on suspicion of being a spy, then Maxwell might just kill me for disagreeing with him. Part of me wanted to trust that the Herald and future Inquisitor couldn’t be that terrible… he just needed to grow right? Maybe once he gets back from the Hinterlands he’ll have realized the stakes?

Then again, when he gets back from the Hinterlands he’ll also know for sure that I know things… any chance the side quests were all made up for game fillers and have no real basis here? One could hope right? Then I would just be some random cook again, and I could be anonymous. Yeah, like that was going to happen after I opened my big mouth in there. Maybe I should invest in a gag to wear around the important people, because I seem to have no control over the link between my mouth and brain.

Everyone was still in the kitchen when I got back, even Flissa, and everyone had a half finished bowl of oatmeal in front of them. “No crowd today?” I asked in confusion, usually everything was in full swing by the time I got back. 

Flissa shook her head. “Everyone is expected to wait for the Chants to end for the morning before they open.”

Oh, so today was Thedas’ equivalent of Sunday. Good to know, I could have slept in. Well, maybe I could get an early start on the rest of the day’s meals. I found the potatoes, and there were several sacks of them. I set Brea in charge of washing them once he was done with his oatmeal. 

With all the potatoes washed and laid out it wouldn’t take near as long to get them potato soup ready. I wished there was more pork belly to use, (because bacon potato soup was to die for on cold days, right up there with chili.) but sadly there wasn’t. I did however snag a couple of potatoes to cut into wedges and bake with salt and the smallest bit of pepper. They were a hit and I was determined that when I got my hands on some beef I would introduce Thedas to the wonderful world of burgers and fries. 

I was about to start another batch of bread dough when Flissa asked. “Have you bathed yet?”

Bath? Like a ‘bath’ bath? I must have looked very hopeful because she huffed and stood to place a kettle on the stove to boil water. “Brea, fill the tub in my room.”

A bath! A warm bath! I wrapped my arms around Flissa’ waist in a grateful hug. “Thank you!” After three days I probably stank to high heaven. My hair was probably greasy. Come to think of it, I hadn’t even brushed my hair. Just pulled it behind my head while I was cooking and forgot about it. 

Flissa flailed slightly and I could hear Varric and Lionel laughing. But oh god, I didn’t care how this looked. A bath! 

Flissa threatened to fire me if I did that again but there was no bite to her words. I helped Brea lug the buckets up the stairs. It wasn’t until the tub was full and the boiling water was poured in to make the whole thing warm did I realize that I had no other clothes to change into. The thought of changing back into the same… ew, just ew. There was nothing for it though and I wasn’t going to pass on a chance to get a bath.

I stripped and sank into the tub with a sigh of pure pleasure, it was bliss. The tub was large enough that I could dunk my head under the water as well. Guess there was an advantage to being half the size of everyone else. 

I scrubbed vigorously at my scalp, shuddering slightly at the grainy feel under my fingers. There was an unscented chunk of soap sitting on the stool next to the tub and I scrubbed my hair until there was a generous lather. Then moved on to scrub at the rest of my body as best I could, I didn't have a wash rag so I did the best I could without. No way I was going to complain. Flissa didn’t have to let me use her tub, this was a kindness she did just to be nice. 

I dunked myself under the water again and was disappointed slightly of how fast the water was cooling. I scrubbed the soap from my hair and came back up with a clean scalp. It somehow felt freeing… it probably stripped my hair of a lot of good oils but, freeing. 

“Are you going to drown in that thing?” 

I screeched and sputtered as water got into my mouth when I slipped. Flissa was standing next to the tub looking at me like I was the funniest thing she had ever seen. “Are you alright?”

I hadn't even heard her come in. I crossed my arms over my chest because… in a world where communal bathing was no longer the norm I was self conscious, not to mention my face was flaming red. I nodded, and Flissa gave me a strange look before bending and… took my clothes. 

“I laid out some of Brea’s things for you to wear until these are clean and dry.” Flissa shook out my shirt and frowned at it. “They’ll be a mite big but they'll have to do.”

Clean clothes? “T-thank you.” I stuttered out as she suddenly turned and started out the door. Wow, not only a bath but clean clothes? I didn’t care if they were a child’s, they were clean and I was clean.

The water was starting to get cool against my skin, so I knew it was time to get out unless I wanted to risk getting sick. I couldn’t afford to get sick, both metaphorically and literally. So I pulled myself out of the tub and… froze. Flissa had taken my bra and underwear too. Not that they didn’t need washing but… that meant I was going commando and braless. I looked at the shirt Flissa had left dubiously, Brea was taller than me but he was still slight and not thickened up yet around the shoulders. 

After a moment's debate I decided it was better than nothing and pulled the shirt over my head. My fears were founded, as the shirt was snug over my chest and tightening the laces only made it worse. Soo, not a look I wanted but… beggars couldn’t be choosers. I had to roll up the sleeves until they rested on my forearms. Next were the pants, fortunately they fit my waist… but the butt was also a bit snug. I sighed in resignation and reminded myself it was only until my clothes were clean as I rolled up the legs and slipped on my boots. 

I took one last glance down at myself and (hoping I didn’t look too risqué) sighed before I opened the door and made my way down the stairs. Everyone was still in the kitchen except for Flissa who had a small bucket and washboard on one of the tables, scrubbing what I recognized as my pants. I hurried over to help but she waved me off and looked me over. “Huh, I didn’t account for that. But too late now. Go make sure those lugs haven’t eaten all of the food will you?”

I hesitated for a second, Flissa didn’t seem shocked by the tightness of the clothes, just commented that she hadn’t accounted for my, uh… assets? So it couldn’t be too bad, right? Apparently I could not use Flissa’s reaction to accurately judge that of one Varric Tethras.

The man choked on a roll he had obviously pinched from the cooling rack. while Lionel slapped his back, I crossed my arms self consciously, which, come to think of it, didn't really help as it just pushed…  _ things _ together. 

Once Varric's airway was cleared he choked out a laugh. “Sorry, Kitten, you weren’t kidding about the extra…” he cut himself off and coughed. “Sorry.”

I felt my face heat up and Lionel wasn't looking directly at me, instead somewhere above my head. “I didn’t have another change of clothes.” I mumbled as I hunched over and went and got my cloak and wrapped it around myself. Maybe my clothes would be dry before I had to go back to… Solas. I didn't really want to think too hard on his possible reaction.

“You going to wear that all day?” Varric asked, clearly amused. 

“Just until my clothes are dry and I’m decent.” I mumbled and went over to stir the oatmeal, I'd have to add milk or water to keep it from getting too firm soon. 

“Well, I wouldn’t call you ‘indecent’.” Varric laughed. “Just surprising.”

"I don't like being watched." I muttered. "I'd happily turn invisible." That would at least protect me from trendy wolves and spymasters. 

“Not likely, Kitten.” Varric held up the roll like an illustration. “Leastwise with cooking like this.” He punctuated it with a bite and leaned back in his seat with a satisfied sigh. 

"I can cook without being seen." I protested, trying very hard not to react to not only him using the nickname Solas had suggested but the pleasure of seeing him actually enjoying my food. "You don't need a visible form to make decent soup."

“True, but if that is your definition of ‘decent’ I would hate to try and live up to your standard of superb.” 

I rolled my eyes and set to work with Lionel with the bread. Only my hair was still wet and it wasn’t long before I had to rinse the flour off my hands and stand by the stove, tossing my hair around to help it dry faster. My hair wasn’t crazy long but it did fall just past my shoulders. I tried going short with a pixie once a few years ago because it was what my hairstylist recommended. Now she was a great hairstylist, but it didn’t do anything for me, I just felt weird and not me… plus I loved braids and tails and buns. I couldn’t really do anything with a pixie, unless I colored it. 

Anyway, I had been tossing my hair for about five minutes and it was semi dry when a white comb was held out in my peripheral vision. I looked over at Lionel who was holding it out to me with a sheepish expression. “It uh… might help.”

“Thank you.” I glanced at his hair, which was cut in the short on top, shaved on the sides, a look that seemed to be popular in Thedas. 

He gave me a small smile. “It was my aunts.” Oh… I tried to hand it back to him but he shook his head. “Use it, then I’ll get it back.”

That was actually very touching. “Thank you.” I said again with even more sincerity. I was very careful as I used it to comb through the tangles. Once my hair was fully dry and free of tangles I washed the comb carefully and returned it to Lionel with another ‘thank you’, he waved me off with a small smile and tucked it into his pocket. 

Flissa brought in my clothes after they were wrung out and we hung them on lines strung next to the stove. Unfortunately, they were not finished drying by the time a flood of hungry soldiers flooded the Maiden. So I was forced to keep my cloak wrapped securely around myself as I rushed around the kitchen. Because of the late time, breakfast and lunch blended together in a non stop flurry of activity and cooking. I was very thankful for Lionel, he was there to step up and take over things when I had to jump around from one thing to another. 

I was already exhausted by the time lunch was over and it was time to peel potatoes. We made a party out of it though. Me, Lionel, Brea, and even Varric (who showed up again after lunch) all sat around the table peeling and cutting potatoes for soup, it wasn’t long before I had a large enough batch of potato soup going for supper. I felt dead on my feet though relieved as I was finally able to change back into my clothes.

Thanks to Lionel, most of the bread for supper was already cooked and ready to go. So I managed to get the smallest of naps before the dinner rush started. It helped but not much and we were halfway through the soup before I remembered Maxwell's request. Crap.

I rushed to get a bowl and a few warm rolls, burning my wrist in the process of getting them off of the pan. I hissed and Lionel looked over at me in concern but I waved him off, I could take care of it later. I was already late. 

I quickly grated some cheese into the bowl and sprinkled salt and fresh diced leek over the top. That would have to do. I was surprised I was able to get out the door without tripping, let alone halfway across Haven. By the time I reached Maxwell's door I was out of breath and the cold air was making my lungs burn. 

I took a deep breath and knocked on the door, wondering if I should try and give an explanation for being late right off or just outright apologize. “Enter.”

I carefully opened the door and peeked in. Maxwell was at the desk again, writing. Maybe he hadn’t even realized what time it was? One could hope right? I shut the door behind me so as not to let the chill in and went over, setting the soup down onto the desk with the small plate of rolls. “Dinner.” 

Maxwell didn’t answer, but set aside his quill and capped the ink well, before turning in his seat to lean back and fix me with a perfectly placid look that reminded me uncomfortably of the one time I had gotten in trouble at school and had to face the principle.

I shifted uneasily and immediately blurted out, “I'm sorry.” Apologize, promise not to be late again and get out. The customer‘s always right. I opened my mouth to do just that, then snapped it shut when he started speaking. 

“For what?” He said evenly, his fingers drumming on the desk. 

“For… being late. It won’t happen again.”

“Oh, are you late?” He hummed and glanced out the door’s window. “So you are. disappointing.”

So he hadn’t been upset about me being late, but he was now which meant he was… upset about me contradicting him in the War Room? ”I…” I started trying to compose an apology but startled and stepped back when he rose from the chair suddenly.

He grasped the back of the chair and swung it around to set down in front of him with one hand. “Sit.” 

Crap. I closed my eyes but did as he said, the threat of involving Leliana still fresh in my mind. At least this time he didn’t say anything like ‘good girl’. 

“What are you sorry for, Rae?” He asked softly and stepped closer to me. 

I pressed back in the chair, feeling my pulse pick up at him looming over me. “I- I..”

“Do you even know?” He asked, cutting me off. He started circling the chair again and every instinct in me was screaming to run for the door. “What are you?”

What? Why would he-?

“What are you?” His voice was firmer, closer to my ear like he was leaned down. 

“A- a cook?” 

“Exactly.” He said in the same tone as a kindergarten teacher might and I felt both embarrassed and relieved I had given him the answer he was looking for. “You are a cook…  _ just _ a cook. But you seem to have forgotten that this morning. Didn’t you?” 

“I… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say anything. I just…” I shrank back in the chair as he circled back around in front of me. “Talk?”

He shook his head. “You talk?” He sighed like he was disappointed. “Do you even realize how much danger you are in right now?” He squatted in front of the chair and looked at me. “You fall out of a rift, the only other person to do so. You are not marked, nothing to prove who you are. You were lucky the blame for the temple wasn’t shifted to you once I was proved innocent. You’re lucky that you, a  _ servant _ , didn’t get lashes for interrupting an official meeting. For talking back to a noble.”

That… I hadn’t even thought of that… This was medieval times-ish. Things like that happened.

He cocked his head to the side. “You didn’t think of that did you? You didn’t realize that by making you leave when I did, I saved you from punishment. Those people aren’t your friends. They won’t hesitate to throw you in a cell. They already did.” 

I knew that. I did. Why had I opened my mouth? I was feeling frantic now. “I… I didn’t… think…”

“That’s right. You didn’t. Think.” He said slowly. “And what do you think, now?”

“I’m sorry! I’ll…” I just wanted out of here. I didn’t want to think about lashes or stocks or- I just wanted to go home and cook and- I was beginning to hyperventilate. “I’ll do better at not… talking.”

Maxwell nodded. “Good girl.” He stood up and took a step back. “You know what it looks like for me… protecting the suspicious servant girl? I was only just proven innocent myself and here I am, helping you avoid your punishment.”

Crap. I- “I… I’m-”

He moved so fast, faster than I could react to, and his hand wrapped around my jaw, bruisingly tight. “There you are, talking again.” He said quietly. “Stop talking, and listen. Are you listening?”

I could barely nod my head. My eyes were beginning to tear up from the panic and pain of his grip.

“Never. Never, interrupt a meeting again unless I specifically ask you. That should have been something you already knew. Never speak unless spoken to.” He let go of my jaw and stepped back, shaking his head in disappointment. “We’ll have to train you better.” 

Train-?

“From now on, if you have a concern, you talk to me privately.” He continued, cutting off my thoughts, and I nodded, eager for this to be over. He smiled. “Good girl. See? You are learning.”

I swallowed and looked away. I hated the way he said that… like a dog he was giving praise to. I just wanted to get out of here. To leave and go hide in my kitchen. “C-can I go?” I forced out the words through my tears, then when his eyes narrowed I hastily added. “Please?” 

“Please, what?” 

I couldn’t keep the shock from my face. He couldn’t actually want me to- he frowned down at me. 

“I’m trying to help you, Rae.” He rolled his wrist like he was prompting me. “Please, what?”

I closed my eyes again and tried to breathe and steady my pounding heart. “Please may I go, sir?”

“Good girl.” I may have actually shuddered that time, but he didn’t seem to notice as he turned back towards the desk. “Go on…” I was out of the seat and practically running for the door but my name made my hand still on the handle. “Rae! No. Sit back down and do it properly.” 

I was so close. I could just… turn the handle and keep going. 

“Renae.” His voice was firm, a warning. I turned slowly and walked back to the seat, shaking the whole time. “Good girl. Now stand and walk to the door. If you run, people will think you are terrible at your job. Or are hiding something. Besides, it’s just rude.” 

I mumbled out something that might have been ‘yes, sir’ or might have just been a hiccup before forcing myself to stand up slowly and walk to the door, even though every instinct was screaming to run and never come back.

I just wanted to disappear. I didn’t want to be here. I didn’t want to be in the same room with Maxwell. I didn’t want to be in Haven. I didn’t want to be in Thedas. 

I don’t know how it happened or how I got there but I found myself behind some boxes with my back pressed up against a wall, hugging my knees to my chest and crying. My face hurt and my throat and chest hurt and I was shivering so hard my teeth were clattering painfully. I had no idea how long I was there, but I was crying without tears, dry gasps for air and hiccups instead of sobs.

I heard my name being called and reflexively pressed myself tighter against the wall. I didn’t want anyone to see me. Not like this. I just wanted them to go away. 

“Rae?” 

Crap, they were close now. My back was against the wall and I couldn’t run. 

“Rae? Is that you?” It was Solas. If my heart wasn’t already pounding it was racing now. I started wiping furiously at my face. Going so far as to grab a handful of snow and rub it on to try and wash away tear tracks. He can’t- he can’t-

“Rae?” He came around the corner of the boxes and froze. His hands reached out but jerked back just as suddenly when I flinched and uselessly lifted a hand to cover my head. 

“I’m sorry!” I turned so my face was pressed against the wall too and squeezed my eyes shut. I just wanted to disappear.

“Rae?” Solas voice was barely a whisper. “Rae, what happened?”

I shook my head. I didn’t want to- think about it. I just wanted to disappear. 

“Rae, you need to calm down.” He sounded closer but his voice was soft. Not like… “Rae, please.” 

I broke out into fresh new sobs, then I felt arms around me and I jerked, pushed and kicked and… and then just gave up. What did it matter? If he killed me then I wouldn’t have to be here. I felt as if I was being drained, drained of all fight and energy and I just didn’t care anymore. 

Solas pressed my face to his shoulder and (because I’m weak) I leaned against him and cried. I could feel his arms tighten around me but I just didn’t care. I felt myself being lifted and I didn’t care. Solas was speaking quietly, softly, right by my ear, and I didn’t care.

We were suddenly out of the snow and… he sat me down, and a blanket was thrown over my shoulders… it was really warm and I was shivering. Why was I-? Right, I was in the snow… where Solas found me.

“Rae? Rae, what happened?” His voice was gentle and quiet, and his hands were rubbing mine, radiating warmth that was somehow grounding. “Rae?”

What could I tell him? What could he do? What would he do? Nothing.  _ ‘Those people aren’t your friends’ _ Solas wasn’t my friend. Solas wanted to stay on the Herald’s good side so he could stay near his anchor. I was just a shadow he was saddled with. And even on the slim to none chance that he would care… what could he do? He was perceived as just another- I cringed internally at the thought, but that’s what he was perceived as… a ‘knife ear apostate’... what could he do against the noble born Herald of Andraste… over a cook? Nothing.

“N-nothing.” I managed to force out and pulled my hands away from his. “I- I just… panic.” 

Solas didn’t look like he was believing a word of it. “Rae did someone-“

“No.” 

“Rae-“

“Nothing happened.” I was shaking again and not because I was cold. Solas’ lips pressed together in disapproval and I panicked. “Nothing happened, sir.” I blurted out hastily, looking down. 

There was a beat of silence before… “Your face is bruised.” He said evenly, though he had sat back slightly at my words.

“I… messed up.” I said lamely, looking away. It was true, I had. My wrist hurt and I pulled my sleeve up slightly to show the burn I just remembered. “I had an accident in the kitchen.” 

His hand came up to inspect it, but stopped when I flinched despite myself. “Rae? May I heal them?” He was whispering, careful, quiet.

I nodded slowly and that itching, tingling sensation went through my wrist and around my jaw. And then I was tired. So, tired.

“Rae, you need to sleep.” Solas was still whispering. And I didn’t want to mess up again. 

“Yes, sir.”

Solas sighed and I worried I had messed up somehow already, but he pushed me gently to lay down and pulled the blanket back up from where it had slipped down. “May I assist you?” 

I wasn’t really sure what he wanted but I just didn’t want to mess up again. I nodded. 

He looked at me for a long moment before sighing again. “Ir abelas, Renae.” And then his hand was on my forehead.

  
  



	7. Chapter 7

I didn’t dream, but I knew I slept. Solas wasn’t there when I woke up. I was alone in the cabin. I was blinking sleep from my eyes and wondering what woke me up. There was the tray again on the desk, a bowl of something steaming, the sun was shining through the window… sun. 

The sun was out already.

Crap!

I shot out of bed. I was supposed to be at Flissa’s, the council's breakfast. The… crap crap crap. Maxwell. 

I stumbled trying to pull on my boots, when the door opened and I found myself immediately apologizing before looking up. “I’m sorry, I’m late.” 

“Rae.” It was Solas. “You are not… in trouble.” 

Not in trouble… maybe not with him but... “Flissa… and breakfast for the Council.” I mumbled, still trying to pull on my boot which stubbornly caught on my heel. “I can’t- I can’t mess up. I need-” I could feel my chest growing tight. I couldn’t be late again. Maxwell… I suddenly slid to the floor and felt resigned. I was already late. There was no need to rush. I was already late and he was going to be angry. “I’m a cook, and I can’t even do that right.” 

I vaguely registered that Solas had closed the door and moved to kneel in front of me. “Rae, you did not mess up.” He spoke quietly. “I spoke to Flissa, she said you could have today off. The council was taken care of. The Herald left this morning for the Hinterlands.”

I looked up and stared at him as I tried to process that. He… had gotten the day off for me. I wasn’t in trouble. Maxwell… “They… left?” I asked in a small, hopeful voice, then I frowned, because... “Without you?”

Solas gave me a small nod. “The Herald thought I would be of more use here.” He said Herald with a bitter note and I wondered if Maxwell had done anything to him. But then I immediately dismissed the thought. Because other than a few racist comments, what could Maxwell do to the Dread Wolf? Nothing. But he was needed in the Hinterlands… wasn’t he?

“Do you think you can eat?” Solas asked quietly, pulling me from my thoughts. 

“Yes, sir.” The words were out before I could fully process the question.

Solas frowned. “You do not need to address me with... that, Rae.”

Right, he was playing humble apostate. It would look weird if a cook was saying ‘yes sir’ to him all the time. “I’m sorry. It’s…” What I was supposed to do. “Habit.” 

Solas was quiet for a moment and I was worried I hadn’t apologized for the right thing, but before I could try again he stood and I flinched back reflexively, but he only went over to the desk and brought the bowl back over to hand it to me. It was oatmeal. Not my savory oatmeal, there was fig, sugar, and buttercream on the top. 

“I’m not supposed to waste the sugar.” I mumbled while still looking at the bowl. 

“You’re not.” He carefully nudged the bowl towards me. “Eat, Rae.” 

I almost said ‘yes, sir’ but was able to stop myself. “O-okay.” I started eating and Solas went back to sit at the desk, while I stayed sitting on the floor. My mind was running through what I had learned this morning. 

Maxwell left for the Hinterlands, without Solas. Without telling me… not that he needed to tell me, I was just the cook. But Solas? Solas was needed. Maxwell left without a full party. What would change without Solas in the party? I never left Solas on the first mission so I didn’t know.

Before I knew it, the oatmeal was gone and I… I felt better with something on my stomach. Probably because I hadn’t eaten dinner and didn’t realize I was hungry. “Th-thank you.” I said quietly and stood setting the bowl back on the desk. 

Solas nodded but didn’t acknowledge the thanks, only pushed a wrapped package towards me. There was a folded note on top of it. “The parcel is from Varric. The note the Ambassador asked me to deliver to you.”

“Varric?” I asked tentatively and Solas nodded.

“He dropped it off at Flissa’s before he left with the Herald. He told me to tell you he will miss your cooking on the road.” Solas kept his tone quiet, as if he was afraid I was going to run. It was a good guess. Running away sounded nice.

“Varric’s a good guy.” I said lamely not really sure if Solas wanted me to open everything in front of him so he could be sure I wasn't getting anything potentially dangerous. 

“He is.” Solas agreed, which was a little startling to hear. In the game he always called him ‘child of the stone’ or something like that. 

I hesitated for another moment and Solas made a small noise in his throat. “I have to go speak with Aden.” He said before standing and going towards the door. “If you need help with anything you may find me.”

"Yes, s-" I stopped myself. "Thank you?"

He gave me a small smile but it looked forced. And then he was gone, shutting the door behind himself with a sharp crack that made me flinch. He was upset. Was it my almost slip? Or not opening the things in front of him? Or… ugh it could be a dozen things.

I leaned against the desk and took a deep breath. Varric was gone too. Solas was left. Josephine had sent a note that I couldn't read, Varric had to read me the last one. I opened it carefully and sure enough it was that weird glyphic script. Wonderful. What if it was a request? What if it was a reprimand for yesterday? I needed to know. Crap. Maybe Lionel could read it to me?

I took a breath to try and calm myself but vowed to head over to Flissa’s as soon as I could. I looked down at the package and carefully unwrapped it and gasped, covering my mouth with my hand. Inside was a teal colored shirt and tan pants… and pinned to the shirt was a piece of paper that I hesitantly opened, only to hiccup a laugh (because of course I started to cry) at the simple drawing of two shirts and one crossed out cloak. He knew I couldn’t read, of course he would have figured it out, and made me something I could understand. Two changes of clothes, no need to hide behind a cloak next time. 

I picked up the shirt and held it against me, it was exactly the same size as the one I was wearing. How had he been able to pull that off? It was just yesterday, not to mention getting the material, and the color was so vibrant it couldn’t be cheap. I chewed on the inside of my cheek, debating whether to save it for later or to wear it now. 

Later won out, I left the package open on my cot, that way Solas could see it when he came back so it didn’t look like I was hiding anything, and grabbed my cloak. I had to know what the letter from Josephine said, and right now the only one I could consider trusting was Lionel. 

Haven was a hive of activity, activity I usually missed because I was always in the kitchen as the only time I was out and about was in the morning and at night. I had to dodge several people and there were some dwarves who gave me some strange looks but I ignored them as I tried to navigate my way through the maze of people and soldiers coming and going. I made it to the Maiden and sighed in relief at the warm air that met me in the kitchen. 

Lionel looked up from a batch of bread he was slicing, (probably for cheese sandwiches) “Rae?” He looked at me with a concerned furrow to his brow. “Solas said you were exhausted.”

“I slept.” I smiled as I hung my cloak up and came over to snatch a loaf to start cutting. “Besides, I missed my kitchen.” Okay that wasn’t exactly a lie. Just the smell of the bread made me want to cook. 

“Alright.”’ Lionel smiled back and we worked in silence for a few minutes. 

After about the third loaf I looked over at him. “Hey, uh… I got a note from the Ambassador.” Lionel looked up from his loaf and gave me most of his attention. “I uh… I can’t exactly… read it.” I don’t know why I felt embarrassed, it wasn’t like I was illiterate, I could read and write… just not this kind of writing. 

Lionel gave me an understanding nod, no judgment, and wiped off his hands. “I can read. You want me to...?”

“Yes, please!” I pulled the letter out of my belt and handed it to him.

He opened it up and cleared his throat before reading slowly. “‘Dear Rae, I am saddened to hear you have overworked yourself. Though Ser Solas has assured us it is nothing that cannot be cured by rest. I would also like to thank you for your delicious meals. Nothing makes you appreciate something until you have to do without. Yours sincerely…’ she signs her name and titles.” He finished and handed the letter back to me with a smile. “You are becoming pretty popular.”

I gave him a quizzical look. “What do you mean?”

Lionel laughed and shook his head. “Master Varric Tethras not only eats his meals in the back with you instead of his adoring fans, but then leaves you, specifically, a package before he leaves with the Herald. Ser Solas takes it upon himself to speak to Miss Flissa on your behalf. And now…” he tapped the note still in my hand. “Letters of well wishes from the Ambassador of the Inquisition.”

I frowned and then shook my head.  _ ‘Those people aren’t your friends’  _ “I’m just a cook.” I said dismissively and went back to slicing the bread. 

Lionel looked like he was about to say something but Flissa came in. “I thought I gave you the day off?” She asked, frowning at me the same way Lionel had. 

“I just couldn’t keep away.” I joked lamely. “But I’m here now, so might as well work.” 

Flissa frowned and eyed me critically. “Solas said he found you in the snow.”

“Oh. I mean. Yes, but...” I was… relieved that he hadn’t said anything more about how he found me. It was… embarrassing. 

She gave an exasperated huff. “But nothing. Sit yourself down and rest. You’re no use to anyone if you run yourself ragged. You’re lucky he found you before you froze.” 

“Yeah. but-”

“No. Rest.” She took the knife from my hands and set it aside and I was pushed into a chair next to Lionel before she bustled off.

I fidgeted, then reached for the knife again. I could cut bread while sitting down- annnd Lionel grabbed it before I could. For a one legged guy he moved fast. 

I was still left with nothing to do. I fidgeted some more. Drummed on the table. The pot on the stove looked warm. I should check on it. I stood up and moved towards the pot but froze when Lionel sighed.

“Rae. You should be resting.”

“Would… you believe me if I said the only thing keeping me from curling up in a corner and sobbing was my busy, busy job?” I asked hopefully, and maybe a little too truthfully.

Lionel looked at me and his face softened slightly. “Yes, but you still need to rest.” 

I sighed in defeat and sat down. Only to jump up when Brea came in carrying wood. “Here, I’ll help you stack.” 

Lionel actually groaned. “Rae… sit down.” 

Brea must have taken this as I was not allowed and actually turned his body so I couldn’t get to any of the wood. The traitor. “I won’t die from stacking wood!” 

“Aren’t you supposed to be having a day off?” The traitorous child asked.

I opened my mouth to disagree, because I was a little desperate for  _ something _ to do, but Lionel, the bigger, more mature and thus more culpable traitor, spoke first. “Ser Solas says he found her in the snow yesterday. That’s why she didn’t come back. So she’s supposed to be resting.” 

Brea gave me a horrified look. “You should be sitting down! Or in bed!”

I did not stomp my foot. “But…”

Flissa chose that moment to walk back in and level me with a glare. “I can hear you all out there. Girl, if you can’t stay out of things go back to bed.”

I felt my shoulders slump and crossed my arms self consciously, “But can’t I just-?”

“No.” Flissa huffed and turned back to stalk back towards the front. “You can come back and cook supper if you still feel up to it later.” 

Wonderful, I was essentially thrown out. I sighed and grabbed my cloak, tossing Lionel a small smile before I pushed open the door and began my walk back to the cabin. It wasn’t his fault really, he was just following instructions. 

I made it back to the cabin and glanced around. Solas wasn’t back yet, but I didn’t see him at Aden’s… unless of course, you know, he was inside, because like any sane person they would conduct business inside, genius. 

I decided to try and clean the cabin to pass the time and maybe make Solas not so upset with me... but other than my bowl from breakfast and a little dust, the place was immaculate. I probably lasted fifteen minutes of drumming on the surface of the desk before I grabbed my cloak again and headed back outside. There had to be something I could do. 

I ended up wandering around Haven. I couldn’t run missives because I wasn’t trusted enough, never mind I couldn’t read, not that they knew that. 

Threnn took one look at me and shook her head. “Sorry, don’t have anything for you.”

I was about to protest but a ruckus by the gates drew both of our attention. “TREVELYAN? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, TREVELYAN?!” The voice was booming and deep, oh my god! Freddie freakin Prinze Jr, That was Bull! I found myself frozen in a series of conflicting instincts. Go fangirl. Run. Try to sneak a peek of The Iron Bull… hide from the undoubtedly enormous Ben Hassrath that sounded… furious. Very… furious. Run and hide it was.

With nowhere else to go, I ran back to the cabin and shut the door, leaning against it as my mind whirled. Bull wasn’t supposed to show up until after the trip to Val Royeaux and even then it was just Krem, until you went to the storm coast. Why was he here? Now?! Was my being here throwing off the timeline so much? Crap,, what if I messed up the whole thing just by existing here? 

Crap crap crap! 

I knew I was panicking. What could I have done? Did I say something that changed something? Crap! What did I do?! My chest got tight and I started box breathing to try and head off hyperventilating. This wasn’t good but I couldn’t panic that would just make things worse right? Crap, why was he here?

What if… I didn’t actually know anything about the timeline and the world and the people… because this was a world, not a game. And Solas was different and The Iron Bull was here at the wrong time and… I didn’t actually know any of these people?! 

This new theory was terrifying. And I was still running through the differences in my mind when the door suddenly moved behind me and I screeched and jumped away. 

“Rae? Are you alright?” Solas’ was suddenly inside, looking at me in concern.

I nodded quickly and backed up. He had been acting weird since the first day and I still didn’t know what he wanted from me. “Yes, s- Yes. I’m. just… startled.” 

His eyes roamed over me, like he was searching for something and then he glanced around the room, his eyes falling on my cot. “You did not rest.” He sounded… disappointed by that. 

“I’m sorry.” I should have known… he had gotten the day off for me for some reason… but. “I just… was restless.” 

He frowned again but didn’t say anything else about it, instead he crossed over to his desk and set down a few bags of things he must have gotten from Aden. “Have you eaten?” 

I shook my head. I had forgotten. His lips pressed together but he didn’t say anything, but it was obvious he disapproved. “But... I can go... get something from the tavern?” I suggested, trying to placate him a little. “I can… get something for you as well?”

He turned to look back at me and gave me a small smile. “That would be appreciated, thank you.” 

I sighed in relief and snagged my cloak. It didn’t take long to grab a couple of toasted sandwiches from Lionel, he mostly seemed just relieved I wasn’t staying. Not that I didn’t want to, I saw a lot of things laid out for stew. I needed to hurry and get back to cook supper before they tried to make the watery catastrophe they tried to pass as stew here. 

I rushed back to the cabin, but the sandwiches were already cold when I got back. Maybe he could magic them warm? Like he did with the quiche? That… wasn’t rude to ask for, was it? He did like showing off. I paused. Did he? Or was that just… the game? “I’m back.” I tried to be cheery, but it still came out sounding weird. “Um… sorry, it’s cold.”

Solas looked up from the desk, where he was stirring something in a mug, and smiled at me. “I’m sure that is easily rectified.”

I tentatively approached and set the plates down on the desk by him and he pressed the mug into my hands before laying his hand flat over the plates. Oh. The drink was for me. I didn't really want… whatever this was, but… I lifted it to my mouth and took a cautious sip, and then made a face. It was… foul. Bitter and pungent both. “This is almost as bad as the stew.” I muttered, then realized I had said it out loud and felt the blood drain from my face. “I’m sorry. I’m not complaining. Thank you, I mean-” Stop talking stop talking stop talking. I hastily took another drink to get my mouth shut. 

Solas gave me a strange look but sighed. “It is bitter, but it works better if you can manage to get it all down.”

I froze and almost choked on the vile drink… he said ‘it works better’. I felt a spike of panic, was it… poison? No he wouldn’t… I didn’t think he would, it would be so much easier to… just kill me in my sleep. But some sort of sleeping aid? Maybe, he was upset that I didn’t sleep, maybe. “D-do I have to-?” I winced and quickly apologized. “I’m sorry,”

Solas gave me a pained look. “Rae… yes, it’s best if you do.”

Oh… I looked down at the bitter tea, I really had no idea what it did but… well if it was sleeping aid it might help. But what if it-? I cut off that thought and decided to just get it over with. I pinched my nose, downing the whole thing and then tried not to gag. “Ugh.”

Solas just took the mug from my hands and replaced it with one containing what looked like water. “Here, sip it. Then you must eat.”

“Yes, s-Solas.” I winced at my near slip and looked down hoping he didn’t realize. 

He stared at the desk for a long moment, his jaw muscle ticking slightly, before handing me one of the plates silently. 

It took longer than I thought it would to force down my sandwich, not to mention the rolling in my stomach from the tea Solas had given me. But he had been adamant that I take it. I wasn’t feeling tired or anything weird besides the nausea, so I was hoping maybe it was the Thedas equivalent of a multivitamin? I could hope, right? My multivitamins always made my stomach hurt.

I excused myself in a rush and hurried out the door towards the tavern. I need to help get the stew cooked and possibly a good meal for the advisors as well. Maybe a ‘thank you’ to Josephine for the note. 

Lionel was cutting potatoes when I got there and gave me a slightly exasperated look. “Rae, you don’t have to-“ 

“Actually, I do.” Cutting him off and gesturing to the pot of water that had just been put on to boil. “Most people wouldn’t know a good stew if it bit them.” 

Lionel sighed but nodded and didn’t say anything more on the subject as I started moving about the kitchen and took over the stew prep. “Flissa said we’ll probably need extra tonight.”

“Perfect.” I smiled back at him. More customers meant more work, more work meant I was less likely to end up crying in a corner, and tonight I didn't need to make anything for Maxwell. I could give myself over to just supper… and maybe a batch of sugar cookies. I wondered if I could talk Flissa into letting me use the sugar. Too bad I hadn't seen anything like peanuts, but my chances of finding peanuts up here were slim to none… but they had figs and potatoes, so maybe they had peanuts hiding out there, somewhere.

I considered what I knew- thought I knew of Thedas geography as I added some flour to thicken up the broth. Peanuts were probably a northern crop here (it felt wrong for my southern self to think that), so… Tevinter? Peanuts, if they existed in Thedas, were probably Tevinter or… maybe nevarran? Either way, it was a long way away to somewhere warm. No peanut butter cookies for me yet… if I survived long enough to reach Skyhold. 

I threw myself into my work, determined not to think of my impending doom, and before I knew it the stew was done, bread was cooked, and I was standing in the middle of the kitchen with nothing to do… again. Rum cookies? Or rum cake? Would Flissa let me experiment? I was hesitant to ask, but Flissa came into the kitchen to tell us the first group of customers came in and saw me just standing there and I kinda blurted out. “Can I use some sugar and rum?”

Flissa looked me over then sighed and nodded. “Just make sure you don’t use it all, the next shipment doesn't get here for another two weeks yet.”

“Yes, ma’am.” I grinned, excited to do some baking besides bread, and if the cookies turned out maybe I could leave a few on Solas’ desk? He liked sweets right?

Flissa went over to the rack of bread and pulled down a large round loaf. “We have a big one out there. His friend ordered food but if you ask me he seems more interested in his cups. Brea said you used this like a bowl?”

Oh, Bull was here. Hello, my earlier panic, haven't seen you for an hour. “Um, yeah.” I showed her how I hollowed it out and laddled in the stew. “It cuts down on dishes used as well.” 

Flissa made a humming noise and then started to do the same thing with another, smaller loaf. “Alright, go on. Rum’s under the bar.” 

Right. Cookies. If I was quick and quiet maybe Bull wouldn’t notice me. Not that he’d have any reason to notice a tiny cook. This was another one of those instances I was grateful for my height, I didn’t have to bend far to stay out of sight behind the bar. The rum was a little more difficult to find than I expected. Every bottle was labeled but that didn't help me, so I resorted to opening and sniffing until I smelled anything vaguely like rum. 

I had just found a bottle when I heard it. That growling, booming voice, that sounded so much like Freddie Prinze Jr. “You! Where did you get this?! Who made this?”

I heard Brea make a distressed sort of noise and poked my head up over the counter to check on him. The Iron Bull had him by the back of the shirt and was growling near his face and- No! No. He was just a kid! I moved before I thought and threw the bottle with all the years of tossing rocks at chicken hawks. “Let him go!”

The Iron Bull’s head lifted at my voice, and the bottle hit him on the horn right above his blind side and shattered and he let Brea go. I was moving without thought again, scrambling over the counter with more agility than I thought I possessed, to grab Brea and shove the kid behind me because…

“You!” The Iron Bull almost shouted and I could feel my chest getting tight because, what had I done? I had attacked him… I was going to die. I backed up and shoved Brea further away as he stood up. Oh god, he was so big. I was going to die. I couldn’t run from that. It felt like I couldn’t draw in air with how tight my chest was and how fast my heart was beating. I was going to die.

The Iron Bull’s eye was narrow and intense on me and… oh god, his arm moved towards me. I was gonna die! I could hear someone shouting distantly and The Iron Bull was reaching for me and there were black spots swimming in my vision. 

The Iron Bull tilted oddly and I vaguely realized I was falling before everything was mercifully silent. 

I was probably dead. 

  
  



	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn’t torture you too long :D

My head hurt. I reached up to touch it and winced at the pain and goose egg knot my hand met. 

“Hey?” An unfamiliar voice spoke quietly. I tried to open my eyes but the light felt like a knife to my pupils. “Easy now, you hit your head on a table when you fell.” 

I felt a hand on my arm and I instinctively curled away, but the movement made my stomach roll with nausea. 

“Waoh, take it easy.” The nameless voice said, suddenly careful and wary. “Just gonna help you sit up, alright?” 

I tried to sit up on my own again but was hit with another wave of dizziness and nausea, a hand went to my shoulder and steadied me but… “I’m gonna be sick.” 

“Ah Kaffas, hold on!” I felt them move and something heavy was suddenly pressed against my legs.

If I wasn’t going to throw up before, this would have made sure of it as I was suddenly hit with the smell of old urine. Despite the stench, I was grateful it was there as I started retching. 

It went on for a bit, until everything was out and I was dry heaving, pretty sure that was a big indication I had a concussion. A cool rag was pressed to the back of my neck and I murmured a grateful, ‘thank you’ as soon as the heaving eased. 

I could open my eyes now but had yet to be able to lift my head from the chamber pot. I carefully pushed the pot away and used the wet rag to wipe my mouth. Whatever Solas had me drink tasted even worse coming up then going down. 

I felt the bed shift as they sat down next to me. “I think that was the worst of it. How are you feeling.” 

"I'm not dead?" It came out a little incredulous, if hoarse, and I looked over then froze. Krem… that was Krem. Krem. Of the Bull’s Chargers. Which meant… oh no.. Bull was near and I- and I had thrown a bottle at him.

He laughed and shook his head. "No. Seems you gave it a good try though."

I couldn’t speak for a moment, my throat was tight from panic but I forced myself to cough and push out a quiet. “W-where am… I?

"Above the tavern. Mage wanted to take you to his cabin when he showed up but Chief wouldn't let him." Krem said far too easily. "Me and the Chief brought you up here instead. The owner said it was alright."

“Flissa… yeah.” I looked around distractedly. Why had the Iron Bull not let Solas take me? He was my keeper. Did… was he mad enough to want to… punish me? I had attacked him… he probably was allowed to… And why were there two packs in the corner? One looking like it belonged on a horse and- oh crap. “This is y’all’s... room?” I was almost too afraid to voice the question. 

“Yeah, just paid for it.” Krem answered, giving me a funny look. “Um, you probably need to lay back down. You’ve gone pa-“ 

On their bed… “No! no, I-" I tried to stand up and almost fell over at the painful wave of vertigo. Krem caught me and he was holding me tightly and he was so big and- I went limp. Fighting wouldn't help. "I’m sorry! C-can I go? Please, sir?"

“Woah, hey you’re not in trouble.” He said quickly and pushed me back down to sit on the bed. “You just hit your head. Let’s let the-“ There was a knock on the door, Krem frowned and patted my shoulder. “Don’t try and get up on your own just yet, you’ll fall.” He said before standing and going over to the door and cracking it. “Yes?”

“I’m here to see Miss Rae.” 

Lionel? That was Lionel! “Lionel!” 

Kerm looked back at my voice and then stepped back, opening the door for me to see Lionel leaning against his crutch and a hand on the doorframe. His eyes flicked over me in concern. “Are you alright?”

I nodded, Krem said I wasn’t in trouble but… “I- can I go?”

Krem frowned. “I’m not sure-“

“I’ll see you home.” Lionel cut him off as he positioned himself in the doorway… he had a tension in him that made me remember that he was once a soldier, a fighter and I realized that even with one leg he was probably still formidable if he wanted to be. 

I stood, bracing myself with a hand on the wall as I made my way over to the door, fighting nausea and vertigo with each step but determined to get out of here… if Bull came back-

“You are being unreasonable.” I had just reached Lionel and stepped into the hallway when Solas’s voice could be heard coming up the stairs. 

“I’m going to talk to her.” Bull’s growl was unmistakable and I glanced around for somewhere to hide but we were at the end of the hall and the only place to run was back into Bull and Krem’s room. 

They were almost at the top of the stairs, there was nowhere to run. “You can’t.” Solas sounded insistent.

“Shut up!” Bull growled back and the sound of it made me shudder. He was coming up here… to see me… oh god!

They just reached the top of the stairs and I saw Solas grab Bull’s arm. “Iron Bull, Stop! She is not what you think. You do not know-“

Bull  turned and grabbed Solas by the neck, slamming him against the wall with a menacing growl. “Don’t you dare tell me what I know,  _ elf _ ! What did you do?! She-“

“Is right here, Chief,” Krem spoke up loud enough to make me jump and them to look away from each other and towards us. “And you aren’t helping her any.” 

I felt frozen in place. The Iron Bull had Solas by the neck and as terrified as I was of Solas… he hadn’t hurt me and seemed to be trying to keep Bull away from me. “Please… don’t hurt him.” My voice felt very small.

Bull’s eye narrowed on me but he let go of Solas, who’s own hand went up to rub at his throat. “Bull-“

“Shut up!” Bull growled at Solas without looking at him. 

I recoiled at the sound but there wasn't anywhere to run and Lionel was glaring at Bull but there was no way he could- “I’m sorry!” 

The Iron Bull went very still. “For what.” He said flatly.

I felt like puking again. “For… I’m sorry for throwing the bottle at you, sir.” Bull took a step towards me and I dropped my eyes, my back was already pressed against Lionel. “It won’t happen again!” I promised frantically. 

It was quiet for a long time but I didn’t dare look up. My heart was pounding in my chest and I could feel sweat beading on my forehead. My head was throbbing again. 

“May I heal her at least, The Iron Bull?” Solas said after an eternity, his voice somehow scathing and soft both.

I could see Bull’s hand curl into a fist in my peripheral, and I was suddenly afraid he was going to attack Solas again… he had called him ‘elf’ like an… insult. “Please.” I said quietly, hoping his anger would swing back to me. At this moment I didn’t care if I survived the encounter, this was a nightmare. “I apologize for any offense I may have caused you, sir.” 

“Stop.” Bull’s voice was quiet but no less intimidating, and I snapped my mouth closed. 

There was a pause and then Krem said something in what sounded like qunlat that had both Solas and Bull taking a step back. His hand touched my elbow gently. “Do you trust… Lionel?” 

I recognized what he was doing and I could have hugged him if I wasn’t terrified of Bull overriding him. I nodded. 

Krem said something else in what I was now pretty sure was qunlat, then turned to Lionel. “Would you take her downstairs? Maybe some tea? Something to calm her stomach. Do not let her fall asleep  if you  can.” 

Lionel didn’t waste anytime and with speed I still found myself amazed at for a man with one leg, he guided me past Solas and Bull, placing his body between us as we passed them.

We had just made it to the bottom of the stairs when I heard Bull start growling at Solas again but he was too quiet to make out words. “Come on.” Lionel whispered, and I let him lead me into the kitchen where Brea was pacing anxiously. 

“Rae!” He said in relief when he saw me and the next thing I knew he was hugging me, and then stepping back to look at me. “That was stupid.”

I felt myself tear up a little. “I know. Are you alright?” 

Brea nodded and then looked up at Lionel before setting his jaw. He turned, grabbing my cloak off the peg, and wrapped it around my shoulders. “I’ll take her to Ser Solas’.” 

“The Vint said not to let her fall asleep.” Lionel said.

“Solas… said he’d heal me.” I said lamely. I wasn’t sure if that was one of those weird… territory things guys sometimes did or a real offer, but healing a concussion sounded nice…

Brea jerked his chin. “Flissa closed early, I can stay with her until he gets there.” 

I almost joked that I was standing right there but previous experiences proved I was better off if I kept my mouth closed. So I dutifully stayed quiet as Lionel handed Brea a tin of tea and then Brea led me outside. The cold air, for once, was welcome and refreshing and I pushed back my hood to let it hit my face.

It took forever but moments before Brea led me into Solas’ cabin. He made me sit on the bed and then rushed around the cabin, fixing a kettle to boil and stoke the fire. I watched him for a while and then started to feel myself listing. 

“Hey,” Brea said quietly but with an alarmed tinge to his voice, as he came over to shake my shoulder lightly. “You can’t sleep.” 

I shook my head to wake myself up and then regretted it as it set my head to throbbing again. “What happened… after I-?” I was hesitant to say fainted, but that's what I did, wasn’t it?

Fortunately, I didn’t have to, as Brea sat down beside me and ran a hand over his face in a gesture that seemed so wrong for someone so young. “The Qunari wouldn’t let us touch you. Flissa sent me to run for Ser Solas. When we got back they already had you upstairs.” His shoulders slumped. “I’m sorry.” 

I felt myself instantly upset at hearing those words from him and wrapped one of my arms around him in comfort. “Oh, sweetie, it wasn’t your fault. I threw the bottle.” 

Before I realized what or how it happened, Brea’s head was in my lap and he was crying. “You- You didn’t have to do that and-” He was gasping between words and it was too familiar. I leaned over him to hug him as he spoke. “And you were- He might have- You didn’t have to and I didn’t know if you were alright.”

I could feel myself starting to cry too. I didn’t really even know him long but… if life here has been as tough for him as if it has been for me in not even a week, how much more for someone who’s been here their whole life? I didn’t know where to begin to comfort him. 

I was still scrambling for something to tell him when the door opened and Solas walked in… with a split and bleeding lip and my stomach knotted at the thought of Bull taking out his anger with me on Solas. 

He paused in the doorway, his eyes flicking from me to Brea but his face was unreadable and I worried he might be upset over someone else being in his cabin. I sat up cautiously and tapped Brea’s back. “Solas is here, sweetie.” 

Brea jumped up and swiped at his face with his sleeve, flushing red and sniffling before he scowled. “Are you… will you heal her? She… she almost fell asleep.” 

Solas nodded but his face was still unreadable. “Yes, da’len, I will heal her.” He opened the door and gave Brea an apologetic smile. “Flissa is waiting for you.”

Brea looked like he didn’t want to leave but he set his jaw and looked at me for a second before saying a quiet, ‘good night’ and then he was out the door. 

Solas closed it behind him before turning and walking over to where I sat on the bed- on his bed. “I’m-“

“Don’t.” He cut off my apology with a soft but firm tone as he crouched in front of me, thankfully no longer looming. “No apologies tonight.” He sighed and I saw his hand move towards me but he stopped, then asked. “May I heal you?”

I swallowed and nodded carefully. He looked… incredibly sad for a moment before his hand came up to my temple and that itch, that was becoming far too familiar a feeling, started gathering at the back of my skull. It was only a few seconds and the dull throb finally went away, but I was left feeling drained again. 

“Y-you’re bleeding.” I said quietly, wondering if he wanted me to try and carry on a conversation like before. 

Solas blinked and his hand went to his face before he, oddly, laughed. “Ah. I believe I deserved that.” 

What did he mean? “I threw the bottle.” I looked down at my lap, twisting my fingers nervously. “Oh. I… I need to pay for that…” The first bottle had cost two days wages…

“It has been taken care of.” Solas sighed. 

I cringed internally. That meant he had to... “I-“ I snapped my mouth closed on the apology. 

“You need rest.” He said instead of reprimanding me for the almost slip. “May I assist you?”

That was what he said last time, I hadn’t dreamed but I woke up refreshed, and to be honest I really didn’t want to dream. I would probably just end up curled into some corner in the fade crying again. 

I nodded and he gave me a small smile before he stood and held out his hand. I hesitated before I realized I was still sitting on his bed. Right. I tried to stand by myself but my legs shook and I had to grab his hand to keep from falling. 

He just led me over to my cot and waited until I had laid down before his hand moved to my head. “Good night, Renae.”

I started to say goodnight back but then I realized something… How did Solas know my name?

Then his hand was on my forehead and I couldn’t think of anything. Everything was black and calm.

I came awake slowly, which was an odd feeling. No alarms, broken noses, or cold air. Just… waking up. A glance out the window let me know it was early still, and to my surprise, Solas was still in bed, asleep. 

I tried to go back to sleep but ended up just staring at the ceiling. I needed to apologize to Flissa for throwing the rum and forcing her to close early. Maybe if I got an early start this morning, she might not fire me for losing her money… if she hasn’t already. 

I eased out of bed carefully, trying not to wake Solas, and picked up my boots. I was still wearing my cloak from last night, so all I had to do was slip out the door. I  immediately regretted not putting on my boots before stepping out as I felt the snow start melting under my feet. Well, at least now I was wide awake. I shook my feet off and yanked my boots on and I carefully made my way towards the tavern. I was too busy watching my feet, wary of the odd lumps in the snow and it was too dark to see clearly (it must have snowed last night), and when I looked up, I was horribly surprised to see the Iron Bull leaning against the door of the tavern.

Oh god. He was waiting for someone. I might have inhaled too sharply, or… maybe squeaked, something- because his head lifted sharply and then he pushed off of the door and took a step towards me. He was waiting for me. Stupid, stupid. 

Solas wasn’t here to-

He was getting closer. I turned to run, to try and return to the relative safety of Solas’ cabin, only to rebound painfully off of an armored chest. Ben Hassrath. He had set a trap and I had thrown a bottle at him-

I dropped and huddled to the ground, covering my head with my arms in a desperate attempt to protect my head and I felt lightheaded and frantic, practically buzzing with panic as I waited for… 

“Maker’s breath, you’re a Mage!”

Mage? I hesitantly looked up at Cullen's voice… and froze at the shimmering yellow barrier separating us. 

Crap!

Crap! Did I do that? I was a mage? Magic… I could… that was a barrier. I could keep people from… “I’m…” I slowly lowered my arms, only to register that Cullen was… glaring at me. “Sorry.” 

“Why didn’t you tell us?” He questioned and I saw his hand hover on his sword. Oh god! 

“I didn’t know!” I fell back in the snow and scrambled backwards. Oh god, he was a templar and I was a suspicious servant girl who was now an apostate-

“Hey, easy there, Kitten.” Bulls hand was suddenly on my shoulder and I swallowed the scream at the heavy weight of it. “I’ve got her, Commander, sorry to disturb you.”

“Right…” Cullen frowned down at me before sighing and turning and leaving me… alone with Bull. 


	9. Chapter 9

Come on.” Bull’s hand on my shoulder moved to pull me up under my arm and I felt myself being dragged back towards the tavern.

“No… please, I’m sorry.” I tried to pull away but his grip tightened.

“Stop.” He didn’t growl like he had at Solas but his voice was firm and brokered no argument. 

I closed my eyes and swallowed as I was pulled along by Bull, this wasn’t the Bull I knew, I needed to stop thinking of him like that. ‘The’ Iron Bull. The article was important… why did I have to be an idiot and sneak out? Stupid, stupid! Why did I never think? “I’m sorry,” I tried again.

The Iron Bull didn’t answer me, he just opened the door and pulled me into the tavern and up the stairs. I caught sight of Lionel asleep next to the fires and considered calling out but Bu- The Iron Bull’s hand was tight on my arm. What could Lionel do anyway? The Iron Bull was twice his size. He’d just get hurt and it would be my fault.

My heart was pounding when we reached his door and he opened it without pausing and pulled me in. It felt like my fate was sealed when the latch snapped shut. 

He pulled out a chair and stepped back from it and I felt my heart sink. I hesitated, but he just tilted his head slightly towards it and I swallowed and slunk into the chair and hugged myself. Thankfully, he moved to sit on the edge of the bed, stretching out his bad leg as he looked me over instead of looming.

“So.”

An apology sprang to my lips but I swallowed it. Speak when spoken to.

“How’d you end up here?”

I glanced at the door. “I… don’t think the spymaster-”

“I got signed on this morning. Anything I send back has to go through her.”

Oh. That… that was right. “I… fell out of a rift… sir.” 

“And before that?” He leaned forward slightly and searched my face.

I could feel my chest getting tight again. “I- I don’t remember. I’m sorry, sir.”

He leaned back and kicked out his other leg. “You’re real skittish, Kitten.” 

I wished I could disappear. Why did he have to use that name? That was Varric’s. I stayed quiet because that didn’t seem like a question...

“Why?”

There was the question. “I… am accident prone. And small. And… I get in trouble because I don’t think and I just talk-” Like I was right now. I snapped my mouth shut.

The Iron Bull frowned and leaned forward again. “No offense, sweetheart, but that’s a load of BS.”

I abruptly started crying. All of that was true! “I… I don’t know what you want me to say! I don’t know the right answer! I don’t want to die! I just want to be invisible and cook!” 

The Iron Bull looked at me for a long time, I tried to stop crying but every time I looked up to find him looking at me so intently I burst out into panicked sobs. I didn’t want to be here. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

Eventually I managed to squeeze my eyes shut and regain some control over my breathing. The moment I felt like I might be able to ask to leave, he grunted. “That elf giving you trouble?”

I shook my head rapidly. He said ‘that elf’ like an insult again and I cringed. “No, sir. He hasn’t.”

He grunted again. “Why are you staying with him?” 

“I…” I shook my head, unsure how he would want me to say it. “The spymaster made him responsible for me… sir.” I added the last part hastily. 

He shifted and I braced myself for either another question or him to… punish me. Oh god. I pressed my back against the chair and-

The door opened and Krem stepped in. “Hey Chief, I-“ he froze when he saw me and then his eyes darted to The Iron Bull. “Seriously?!” 

The Iron Bull shrugged and leaned back again as casually as if we had just been talking about the weather. “I had questions.”

“You are terrifying her.” Krem snapped then pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration then muttered something in trevene. 

The Iron Bull grunted again and then looked at me. “Hungry?” I shook my head, even though my stomach was aching. I had lost lunch and didn’t eat dinner yesterday, I was starving. Iron Bull huffed and stood. “You’re a terrible liar. Krem get something decent for us to eat.” 

I started to shake my head. “No, I’m-“ but he leveled me with a look that made my mouth immediately snap shut. 

Krem didn’t look happy but after a quick look between me and The Iron Bull. he opened the door and left… and I was alone again with The Iron Bull, who turned to look at me again before sitting. “Sing.”

My mind halted, stumbling over the order. “I- I c-“

“Sing.” His voice was firm again as he leaned back, stretching out his bad leg again and looked at me expectantly. 

I swallowed. Why would he want me to sing? I couldn’t sing… not well. But I wasn’t going to push my luck and refuse him. I tried to think of the chantry song they sing after Haven's fall. “Um… Shadows fall and the-“

“No.” He cut me off and tilted his head. “Sing something I’ve never heard before. Something new.”

I felt tears spring to my eyes and my chest tighten in panic. Why was he doing this? Was this my punishment? “I don’t-“

“Sing, Kitten.” His voice was quiet but his gaze was like steel. 

I tried to hold back sobs as I tried to think of a song. I didn’t know many songs by heart but… Haley had been obsessed with Supernatural, I heard that song minimum four times a week. It was even her ringtone. 

I tried to take a breath and start to sing, but my voice shook horribly. “Once I rose above the noise and confusion, just to get a glimpse beyond the illusion. I was soaring ever higher, but I flew too high.” The Iron Bull closed his eye and leaned his head back, listening intently. 

It helped with him not looking at me but I was still shaky as I continued. “Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man. Though my mind could think I still was a mad man. I hear the voices when I'm dreamin', I can hear them say.” I had to sing the chorus in a lower key, but my voice still cracked. “Carry on my wayward son, there'll be peace when you are done. Lay your weary head to rest. Don't you c-cry no more.”

I tried stopping there, hoping that was enough, but after a few moments of silence The Iron Bull opened his eye and looked at me. “Keep going.” 

Why was he having me do this? I sniffed, willing myself not to cry as I started the next verse. “Masquerading as a man with a reason, My charade is the event of the season, And if I claim to be a wise man, it surely means that I don't know. On a stormy sea of moving emotion. Tossed about I'm like a ship on the ocean. I set a course for winds of fortune, but I hear the voices say.” I was determined not to let my voice crack this time and closed my eyes to focus. “Carry on my wayward son, there'll be peace when you are done. Lay your weary head to rest and don't you cry no more.” I trailed off slowly. “No more.”

He was very still for a long moment before he inhaled and then exhaled slowly. He let out a quiet word I didn’t recognize before opening his eye and looking at me closely. "Rumor is the elf is keeping you for company."

I felt the blood drain from my face at what he was implying and I shook my head. "He- he hasn't-"

"I want you to let me know if he tries anything."

What? Why would-? I remembered to respond with a nod.

"Go on."

He didn’t have to tell me twice, I was about to shoot out of the chair but forced myself to stop at the memory of Maxwell’s reaction the last time I had tried to run. I carefully stood and whispered quietly. “Thank you.” (I wasn’t sure what I was thanking him for besides not killing me.) then forced myself to walk to the door. 

I kept walking after closing the door carefully behind me, trying to stay composed, but I was shaking by the time I reached the bottom of the stairs. I tried to breathe but ended up just gasping out a sob when Krem spoke up too close.

"You all right?"

I nodded and stepped back and he frowned. 

"You know what he's after?" He pretended not to notice my state, which was nice of him.

"I don't-" I paused, I might? What if… he had me sing to see if I was a bard? "They don't trust me."

Krem frowned again but then hesitantly patted my shoulder. “Go on and eat. I’ll try and keep Chief away from you.” He gave me a sympathetic smile before starting up the stairs but paused before turning back to look at me. “He wouldn’t have hurt him.”

I wasn't sure if he meant Brea or Solas, but I wasn't going to disagree either way despite… events. I just nodded. That seemed a safe enough response.

Kerm gave me another long look before heading back upstairs. And I took a deep  shuddering breath… I just… just need to get in my kitchen and cook… oatmeal. Work. I needed to work. I’m just a cook. Just a cook. ‘Mage’ I was a mage cook. 

Crap. 

I barely made it to the kitchen before I collapsed to my knees on the ground. I was a mage in a world that hated Mages. And Cullen… ‘there’s bound to be Abominations’ Cullen found out and now knew I was untrained. Oh god. Breathe. I needed to breathe. Just breathe.

I heard sounds from the front and forced my limbs to move. If Flissa or Lionel found me on the floor they wouldn’t let me work… and right now I needed to work. I needed something else to occupy my mind. Bread. Oatmeal. 

I splashed some water on my face from the pitcher and washed my hands. Then powdered the counter, starting a batch of dough. It wasn’t long before Brea stumbled in, half asleep. “Good morning!” I said in the  cheeriest tone I could manage.

Brea froze for a moment, looking at me wide eyed, before he actually smiled. “You’re alright.” He said quietly. 

I smiled and nodded and it must have been convincing enough for him because before I knew it I was wrapped in another hug from the teen. I hugged him back, silently grateful for the contact, then tapped his shoulder when I felt dangerously close to tears again. “Hey, c-can you get me some water for the oatmeal this morning?”

Brea pulled away and I could see he too was trying not to cry. “Yes, Miss Rae.”

“Nuh-uh.” I shook my head and reached up to bump his chin. “Just Rae, now go wash your hands and get me some water.” 

Brea chuckled and rolled his eyes in a gesture that fit his age. “Yes, ‘momma’ Rae.” 

I opened my mouth to object but he was already halfway across the room. “Brat.” I called after him with no bite. I turned back to the table to continue mixing the dough but paused at the sight of Lionel standing in the doorway looking at me with a searching look. “Hey.” 

Lionel didn’t say anything at first but eventually he let out a soft breath and moved to sit at his kneading table. “Looks like you got yourself a kid.”

The comment startled a laugh from me. “Looks like.” 

“Well your eyes do match.” He grinned and there was a sense of relief to it. 

“Oh do they?” 

We fell into light banter for the rest of the morning prepping, at least until a basket arrived from Josephine… with another note that Lionel read to me. It was a simple request for quiche for their breakfast, three people, and instructions to deliver it to Josephine’s office instead of the war room

I could do that. One highlight was that there was the same amount of ingredients in the basket as last time, which meant there was extra to go around when I had the quiche plated. Flissa, Lionel and Brea all were able to get full servings, with one to spare. Maybe I’d get back before it was cold.

I got the tray out and started loading the plate and rolls onto it, intending to eat when I got back, but when I got my cloak on and picked up the tray, the door opened and in walked Solas… 

And my morning had been going so well. Wait, no… it hadn’t. He looked me over and frowned slightly and I quickly pointed at the plate I had left near the stove. “I made quiche.” 

He looked at the plate and then back at me. “Are you well?”

Why did he have to ask that? Specifically that? “Better.” It seemed like a safe answer and I didn't lie. I did feel better then I had last night.

Solas gave me a sad smile but stepped to the side and opened the door for me. “That is good to hear.”

I gave him what I hoped was a smile and murmured a thank you as I passed by him to get out the door. Once out I didn’t look back, and absolutely did not get upset about my quiche… that I gave to Solas. I sighed and resigned myself to savory oatmeal as I pushed open the door to the chantry. At least it wasn’t Thedas stew...

I froze when I saw Cullen was standing outside of Josephine's office with Leliana and he seemed… angry. Crap!

I instinctively took a step backwards and Leliana’s eyes focused on me at the movement. Oh no. She looked me over with a frown and then interrupted Cullen. “Commander. It seems our breakfast is here. Perhaps we could finish our argument inside?” 

Cullen looked up and I saw his jaw tighten as his eyes found me. He stepped back from Leliana. “Forgive me, spymaster, but I must return to my duties. I’ll send you my report this afternoon.” Then he walked past me and I could see him trying very hard not to look at me. I considered just letting him past… but… this was my job. 

“C-Commander?” I forced the title out. 

He stopped and turned slowly to look at me and I offered up the tray  hesitantly, “Um, it’s for… focus? To go without, um, breakfast…it’s hard to… focus?” Woman?! What were you thinking?! “Roll?”

He swallowed and I wondered if he- his arm moved and I flinched slightly but… he just grabbed one of the rolls and now was looking at me like he was disgusted. An apology sprang to my mouth, but he just sighed. “You need training.” He said flatly, then took a roll, turned on his heel, and marched away. I blinked after him for a moment and then catalogued myself. Heart? Beating. Limbs? Intact. Lungs…? Mostly functional. That went... well? 

“Rae?” I jumped at the sound of Leliana’s voice but mercifully the quiche remained unharmed and only a roll bit the dust as it fell to the ground.

“I’m sorry.” I said quickly, bending awkwardly to pick up the roll.

Leliana cocked her head at me. “You made quiche again?”

I glanced at the plates and felt my stomach drop and then dropped my eyes. “Forgive me, Lady Nightingale. I will prepare something else if-“

“I am pleased.” 

She was pleased. I felt my shoulders slump slightly in relief before I put on my waitress smile. “I- I am glad to hear it. Um. Where should I-?”

“On Josi’s desk.” Leliana said in her too sweet to be anything but terrifying voice. 

I ducked my head and hurried into Josephine’s office. Polite. Efficient.  _ Silent _ . One end of Josephine’s desk was cleared so I set the tray on it to serve, and managed not to startle when Josephine spoke directly to me. 

“Oh, Miss Rae?”

“Ma’am?” I asked looking up from the tray.

“There’s an extra plate,” Josephine smiled at me. “The commander  won't be joining us and it seems a shame for it to go to waste. Why don’t you sit down and eat?”

I froze, unsure if this was a test of some kind, and was about to decline but Leliana’s firm. “Sit down and eat, Rae.” Made my mouth snap shut. 

I mumbled out a ‘yes, Ma’am’ and sat down on the nearest seat. There was a chair oddly next to Josie’s desk. 

“I think I need a fresh set of eyes on this. What do you think?” Josie handed me a piece of paper and I stared at it in panic. There were, yup! Neat rows of incomprehensible glyphs.

“Um. I’m just a cook, ma’am.” 

“You’ll have to forgive her. We’ve been arguing amongst ourselves since The Iron Bull showed up. The Commander is adamant we send the mercenaries away, I think they would be of use and we should hire them, and Josi refuses to commit to an opinion either way.” Leliana said as she picked up her plate of quiche and took a perfect, delicate bite. 

“Oh.” The Iron Bull had lied to me. They hadn’t hired him already. I… talked. I talked and he lied and why did I talk? Stupid stupid. Wait… why had he assumed I knew he was a spy? I pretended to look over the paper.

“Would you be so kind and give us your thoughts? Just for the sake of something that hasn’t been said a dozen times already.” Josie asked, taking a small bite. 

“Um… Better the spy you know about… thaen one you don’t?” I offered hesitantly. Crap, did the paper say anything about him being Ben hassraith? Because if not-

“He’s a spy?” Leliana asked quietly as she looked over at me.

I shrank down in the chair. Crap, this is where I die. “He… is qunari?”

“Qunari are not all spies.” Josephine said sweetly.

“No, I mean… he’s not Tal Vashoth. He’s… qunari. Sent… by the Qun… It’s… it’s in the name.” I could feel my pulse picking up. “The article…” crap I was going to Die. “Qunari, the Qun doesn't have names… Titles.” Shut up! “Purpose. Occupations. No names.” Why are you still talking?! “ _ The _ Iron Bull.” 

“You had a run in with him, did you not?” Leliana was doing this little gesture where she was rubbing the back of her forefinger against the bottom of her chin. Back and forth. Thinking. Fast or slow death?

I was going to die. “It… was a misunderstanding.” The Iron Bull, terrifying or not, weird or not, was a vicious fighter and the Chargers… the Inquisition needed him. “I… protect my people.” And Brea and Lionel were the closest thing I had to people here. 

“So he said. He seemed impressed with you.” Josephine supplied blithely.

Oh no. “I… Have a good arm?” Why are you joking?! I’m gonna die. I was probably already dead. I just didn’t realize it yet.

“He said the same thing!” Josephine laughed. “Well… I believe I am swayed. Better the spy we know about, yes?”

“If you let him know you know he’s a spy, he… might agree to send and show all of his reports through you.” I suggested to Leliana, then clapped a hand over my mouth because SHUT UP SHUT UP. “I’m sorry.”

Leliana made a soft humming noise and Josephine smiled. “Oh, do not apologize. That is an excellent idea. Thank you, Miss Rae.”

Was that dismissal? That sounded like dismissal. I started to get up but Leliana spoke and I sank back into the seat. “You haven’t touched your food.”

“Oh.” I picked it up and obediently took a bite. It might look suspicious or something if I didn’t eat the food I served when told. Maybe. Why did everything take so much thought? I focused on eating and keeping my mouth shut.

The two started speaking pleasantly and quietly over my head and I pretended I was invisible as I ate. The moment I was finished eating, I set the plate quietly back on the tray and started gathering my courage to ask to leave. 

Leliana and Josephine had finished their plates so I carefully started clearing the plates, everything was looking good, they kept talking to each other about some Duke, and I was picking up the tray and about to ask to leave when Leliana spoke up.

“Breakfast was delicious and insightful, Rae.” Crap I was going to die now. “Do share any other tidbits of information you… acquire.” I was going to d- what?!

“Aqu- Um. Yes ma’am?” information... Was I being recruited as an agent? “I don’t want to be an agent.” That… I said that aloud. Idiot idiot! “I just cook and I’m a terrible liar and… I just… want to cook… I’m just The Cook.” I trailed off at Leliana’s head tilt.

She suddenly smiled. “There’s no need to fret, Rae. You won’t be an agent, you’re a very good cook and I’m fairly certain Josi would stab me with her quill if I took you out of the kitchen. Nothing so formal as an agent, simply… a comment shared or a bit of information, such as The Iron Bulls’ name, whenever it comes up.” 

I… could do that. “Y-yes ma’am.”

“Good.” Leliana stood and gave Josephine a smile and me a nod. “Josie, Rae.” And then she left… leaving me blinking like an idiot after her. 

“Miss Rae?” I startled slightly at Josephine’s voice and looked to see her giving me a concerned look. “Are you alright.” 

Uh… “I’m not dead.” 

Josephine actually laughed at that and stood. “No, something I am very grateful for.” She crossed over to Minaves’ desk and picked up a book before looking back at me, smiling again. “Thank you for the wonderful breakfast.”

“Um… you’re welcome, Ambassador.” Dismissal? Please, be a dismissal. She turned back to her real and picked up her quill so I guess it was. I carefully walked to the door and shut it behind me. 

My head was whirling with everything that was said and happened… I still wasn’t convinced I wasn’t somehow laying dead on the floor in there and having a weird out of body experience.

By the time I had gotten out of the chantry I only had one question.

What just happened?   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Makes gimme hands for comments and theories* you guys give me life lol :)


	10. Chapter 10

Krem was true to his word and Bull never came near me for the next week and a half. And I fell into a routine of sorts. Get up. Share breakfast and some quiet, educational conversation with Solas. Go into the kitchen through the back door (so I didn’t run into The Iron Bull) and get breakfast ready. Inevitably end up forced to sit and eat breakfast with Josephine and Leliana as Cullen would scowl and stalk away when he saw me coming, though I always asked him to take a roll at least. I sometimes made a comment about things I knew, and Leliana seemed pleased each time I did. 

I took the chance to mention butler… and commented that it might be best to bring him in for questions. Leliana had just picked up her tea cup and gave me a pleasant smile that I was  certain was my end but I miraculously walked away from that one breakfast as well. 

Back to the tavern for the lunch rush, during which I was painfully aware of The Iron Bull sitting in the corner, watching me. I would bring him his drinks and food because Brea was scared of him, and I was not putting him in that situation again. Lionel would watch each time from the kitchen door just in case, but The Iron Bull didn’t say anything to me, just watched.

Solas would show up after the supper rush and escort me back to his cabin for supper and some cautious lessons in learning to control my magic.

Sleep.

Repeat.

I got to get a bath at Flissa’s every three days. It… wasn’t too terrible, honestly. I at least was getting an idea of what to expect of my days beyond the constant terror. That wasn’t so nice.

Once The Iron Bull had pointed out the rumor… I found it hard to stop running into. Comments about ‘elf lovers’ from some of the soldiers, once a question about Solas’ skill that… I didn’t realize it wasn't about his knowledge of magic until later… when Lionel came in with a bloody cheek and using a long stick to walk with and braced by Brea instead of his crutch.

“What happened?!” I immediately dropped the pan I was about to use to Sauté some onions and potatoes, and rushed over to help Brea get him to his chair. I really couldn’t do much because Lionel completely dwarfed me… pun intended. 

“Nothing.” Lionel grunted at the same time Brea said excitedly with a large grin. “He knocked a guy out!” 

“You what?!” I gaped at him.

Lionel shrugged a shoulder, but Brea was apparently more than willing to tell the story. “One of the soldiers was making words about you and Ser Solas and he said-” Brea yelped when Lionel elbowed him and moved further away. “Said something rude, and Lionel hit him over the head with his crutch. Broke it clean in two.” 

I gaped at Lionel. “But your cheek?”

Lionel actually went a little red. “I… um fell.”

I… didn’t know what to say to that so I just went and got some water and a cloth to clean up his face and figure out if I needed to brave asking Solas to heal it. But why would he heal Lionel, even if I asked him to? He was responsible for me, Lionel was nothing to him. 

Turns out I didn’t have to ask, Solas had come in for lunch and had apparently heard what happened. He entered the kitchen and glanced over Lionel and then me before quietly saying, “May I look at your injury? I have some ability as a healer.” Lionel agreed and Solas healed his face (and apparently a strained tendon in Lionel’s shoulder from the crutch) and murmured an odd, sincere, ‘ma serannas’ to Lionel before taking his leave.

Lionel was having difficulty the rest of the day getting around and I could tell he was getting frustrated with himself. I took a chance and the next day I begged some paper off of Josephine with promises that I would pay for it. (Not that I knew what it cost, probably a fortune). I took my relatively meager earnings from Flissa and went to the blacksmith, Harrit was bigger (well everyone was bigger so probably not bigger) than I expected and he growled irritably at me when he saw me shifting awkwardly in front of the forge. 

“What do you want? I’m busy.” 

I shrank back, a bit- no a lot- intimidated, but held the paper out with a shaky hand. I had drawn (as best as I could remember) my cousin Ryan’s forearm crutches. “I… my friend needs… how much?” I managed to force out. “If you can?” 

Harrit took the paper from my hand and eyed it thoughtfully before looking down at me. “You The Cook?”

“Yes, sir.” I nodded. “I know I don’t make much, but I-”

He made a sharp grunting noise that cut me off and tapped the paper. “Three silver. Have your friend show up tomorrow for a fitting.” 

I… had that much on me. That was a lot less than I had expected. “Thank you!” I fished out the coin and handed it to him, and he made that grunting noise again before suddenly turning and jumping towards one of the work benches. He scooped up a small figure and set it on a table with a stern. “Not safe. Stay.” 

It was an elf child, maybe three or four and she nodded at him with wide eyes before promptly reaching out and grabbing one of the strips of leather from the table near her. 

I blinked in confusion, because… this was not in the- nope, not a game. Quit thinking of it as a game. Harrit turned back to me, running his hand over his face, then paused and looked me over with a scowl. “You got room for another? She’s quiet.”

“Um. Her… family?”

“Conclave. She sleeps here, but it isn’t safe for a kid.”

I winced. “Oh. I-“ what would Flissa think if I brought another…? and she was getting off of the table and toddling towards the fire… very hot fire. “Yes.” I reached out and scooped her up before she got too close. 

Harrit’s scowl lifted into an almost smile. “Thank you. Go on. I’ll get it done.”

That was dismissal. And… I now had a child on my hip. I looked at her and then back at Harrit. “What’s her name?”

He shrugged and his jaw ticked before he picked up his hammer. Oh. I stepped back out of the forge and was suddenly reminded how cold it was. I opened my cloak enough to get it around the child. Oh my god, I had a kid, what was I going to do with a kid?! I could barely keep myself alive let alone a child. 

I was still fretting over what I was going to do with her, she couldn’t sleep unattended by a fire, and I had a job and I would have to feed her and I didn’t know her name and-

“Rae?”

I startled at Solas’ voice and stared, wide eyed at him. His eyes dropped to the kid’s head poking out of my cloak and I moved to shield her. “I’m keeping her!”

He blinked and I winced.

“Please?” 

“What of her-?”

“Conclave.” I blurted out, then flinched because that… was his fault. And I had interrupted him. 

Solas’ eyes closed briefly before he put on a forced smile. “I see. I will acquire another cot.” He inclined his head and walked away.

Um. Okay. That… was much easier than I expected. Was it the guilt that made him agree? He always acted guilt ridden in the- nope not a game. Point stands, if it meant protecting the kid I would hold that guilt card. 

I ducked through the back door of the tavern and found myself faced with Flissa, who’s eyebrows were raised. I winced. “I… am keeping her?”

Flissa abruptly laughed. “I see. I’ll take her behind the counter with me. You make that potato mash stuff.”

Oh, I could do that. “Thank you!” I handed the girl off, I needed to find out her name but she hadn’t said a word yet. Either because of her age or trauma… I think I remembered reading that trauma could make a child go silent. I wished I had coloring books for her. Drawing therapy was good, right?

Anyway, I started working on boiling the potatoes that Lionel had helpfully peeled. Oh! Lionel! I smiled at him. “Oh, Harrit needs to see you tomorrow.”

Lionel paused in the middle of kneading bread and narrowed his eyes at me. “What did you do?”

“Nothing illegal.” I responded with a grin. 

Lionel narrowed his eyes at me. “How reassuring.” I just laughed and continued cooking. Shepherds pie was easy to make in large quantities, and soon enough I had a few batches browning in the ovens. 

Brea poked his head in. “Momma Rae?” Brea only called me that when he was nervous or emotional. “The big one wants some bread.” Oh well, that would explain it. ‘The big one’ was always The Iron Bull.

“Alright, I‘ll be right there.” I gave him a reassuring smile and pulled a few rolls off the warmest pan. I heard Lionel grunt and looked over to see him trying to scoot his chair closer to the door. “You don’t have to watch.” I tried to reassure him as well. I seemed to be doing that a lot. 

“I know.” He said, and scooted his chair so he could see out the door. 

I rolled my eyes, but felt warmth through my stomach at how protective he was being. It… made me feel better. I plated the rolls and headed for the dining area, catching an apologetic glance from Flissa, only to freeze at the sight of the elf child… on The Iron Bull’s lap. She was standing on his leg and grabbing at one of his horns curiously while he steadied her with one massive hand splayed over her back. She looked incredibly fragile and oh god The Iron Bull had her. His eye lifted from the kid to focus on me and he gave me a toothy smile and I felt my heart start racing. Was… this a threat?

I forced myself to move towards him and set the plate in front of him. “I’m sorry she’s bothering you, sir. I’ll-”

“She’s no problem, Kitten.” He  interrupted me and picked up one of the rolls and handed it to the girl, who left off examining his horn to gnaw on it greedily..

I winced at the nickname. “Um… sweety? You want to come uh… make biscuits… with me?” Away from the giant that will crush you? _ Please? _ I tried, holding out my hands to her but she shook her head at me and leaned back against The Iron Bull.

“I have her.” The Iron Bull said with another smile.

He did. “What… do you need anything?” I asked because I couldn’t take her away from him and she was so tiny… why, oh why did Harrit ever trust me with a kid? 

“Nah. I’m good.” He caught a bit of roll that fell from the girl's hands before it could hit the table and handed it back to her. “Here you go.”

I felt fixed in place. I was being dismissed but The Iron Bull had the kid and I couldn’t just  _ leave _ her with him, not when he was weird and scary and she was so small and-

“What’s her name?”

“I don’t know, sir.” My voice felt very small. “She lost her parents in the Conclave.” Why was I talking? I couldn’t leave her and I couldn’t just snatch her away from him.

He made a deep rumbling, humming sound that had the kid giggling and slapping his chest and I felt the blood drain out of my face. He just made the noise again for her though and then smiled at me. I was eye level with him while he was sitting. He was so big, and she was so tiny.

“I…”

“She yours now?”

I nodded, then realized I shouldn’t have let him know- Oh god. He already knew she was important to me. “Um… Please… I-“ 

“You don’t want to leave her with me.” He said, giving me an intense look. “Where you can’t see.” I shook my head before I could think better and he gave me another toothy smile before hefting himself to his feet and I stepped back but he still had her tucked in the crook of his elbow. “Alright, Kitten.” 

I half hoped that meant he was going to hand her to me, even started to lift my hands, but he just walked past me and I found myself scurrying after him frantically, taking three steps for his every one. I chased after him back to the kitchen, and he barely paused, simply giving Lionel a head tilt as he passed, and then sat down in a chair in the corner of the kitchen that I used to reach the top shelves. 

He smiled at me triumphantly. “You can see now.” 

Crap. This… was not ideal. I stared at him for a long, terrified moment. I could see him now, but he was here, in my kitchen… watching me. He was here, in my kitchen, and he had the kid-

Brea let out a strangled noise when he poked his head in the back door, his eyes wide and flitting from me to The Iron Bull before he dropped the wood he had been carrying and took off. 

The Iron Bull frowned at the wood. “Jumpy Kid.” 

I felt myself get angry at his comment and turned and slammed my plate onto the cutting table to start wadding up some cloths to use as potholders. “I wonder why he’s scared of the giant mercenary who manhandled him?”

I glared at the table for a second and then my brain caught up with my heart and I whirled to look at The Iron Bull. “I’m sorry, sir.” 

He was grinning at me but just snagged a piece of cheese from the nearby counter and gave it to the kid with an oddly cheerful, “Kitten hissed at me.” 

Krem stormed into the kitchen from the dining area before I could process that and he glared at The Iron Bull and let out a sharp stream of probably Qunlat. The Iron Bull just grinned that toothy, satisfied grin. “Babysitting.” He pointed at the tiny kid on his leg. 

Krem glared at him and then looked at me. “Sorry, I had to get the Chargers settled.” He glanced over at The Iron Bull before asking. “Are you alright?”

Oh, they were all here now. I nodded uncertainly. The Iron Bull still had the kid and I had ‘hissed’ at him and I was afraid to… He wanted to be here and I was afraid to try and get him out. “Yes, sir. I’m… alright.” 

“Rae?” My head snapped over towards the door at the sound of Solas’ voice. Brea was standing behind him and breathing heavily like he had run the whole way… to get Solas.

Why would he…?

“Rae?” Solas said in a flatter tone as he stepped into the kitchen and I felt a crackle at the back of my tongue as he glared at The Iron Bull.

“I…” I felt shaky and I didn’t know what to do.

“Would you come here, da’len?” Solas said suddenly softly, conjuring a little light and flicking it through his fingers. The Iron Bull’s eye narrowed, but he let the kid crawl off of his lap and run to try and grab the light. Solas picked her up quickly and then he was walking towards me and all I felt was relief and gratefulness as he put an arm around my shoulders and guided me out of the tavern. Away from The Iron Bull.

“I’ll let Flissa know you need a break.” Brea said quietly as we passed him. 

“Thank you.” I gave him a small smile still unsettled by what all had happened in such a short span of time. “Um… pie needs to come out soon.”

Brea nodded and I felt Solas’ arm gently but insistently begin pulling. Getting me away from the tavern. 

I stayed quiet the rest of the way to the cabin, just grateful Solas had come get me and also the child… she still needed a name.

“Are you alright?” Solas asked quietly as soon as we reached the cabin and I nodded, looking up to see the girl’s eyes were blinking heavily and her head was lolling slightly. Solas followed my gaze and huffed before handing her over to me. “I secured a cot. Why don’t you lay her down for a nap?”

“Um… okay, thank you.” I could do that. I mean she was already practically asleep. 

He smiled and then looked up over my head and his smile fell. “Excuse me, Rae. I have some things I need to attend to.”

I looked over my shoulder and felt my heart jump to my throat at the sight of The Iron Bull watching with a very prominent glare. 

I instinctively held the girl closer as I rushed into the cabin. Crap this wasn't good. The Iron Bull had attacked Solas before and he had looked murderous out there. Crap. 

There was a cot set up right next to mine and I carefully laid the little girl down on it, because children are blissfully unaware of the turmoil around them and she was sound asleep. 

I paced for a few minutes, each minute that passed feeling like an hour as my mind played the memory of the Iron Bull grabbing Solas by the throat and slamming him against the wall over and over. I chewed on the inside of my cheek and looked over to where the girl was still passed out. She would be okay for a few minutes right? How long did kids nap? Thirty minutes? Hour? 

I took the chance, promising myself I would be quick, and snuck out the door. I just needed to see if Solas was alright… I slipped out of the cabin and looked around uncertainly. It was quiet out. I had no idea where to look for them. Well… there were very large footsteps in the snow. I wrapped my cloak firmly around myself and started following them. I was near the smaller huts near the wall of Haven (that weren't there in the game, but this wasn’t a game) when I heard something that sounded like someone trying to yell but be quiet at the same time. 

I paused at the sound of a grunt and then the sound of something slamming into a wall. A fight? Was that where…? I started to move towards them but froze at the sound of The Iron Bulls growl. "Stay away from her or I’ll-"

"You'll What? Kill the only thing keeping that mark stable? Let the breach grow?" Solas hissed.

I felt my gut knot in panic, Solas was being attacked. And he…  _ was _ the only one who could steady the Anchor.

There was another growl and then another thump followed by Solas gasping. There was a pause then The Iron Bull spoke with a terrifying finality. "I'm taking her with me."

No! Nononono. I almost ran right then. I could hide and if he couldn’t find me-

"She's not yours.” Solas’ voice sounded hoarse but no less venomous. “Or have you forgotten who you are, The Iron Bull?” There was silence before I heard a loud crack and the wall shook with the force of it. Solas spoke again but his voice had lost its venom and held a softer, sympathetic note to it. “She is frightened of you.”

“And whose fault is that?” The Iron Bull growled. 

There was a pause and then Solas spoke softly. “I… am sorry.” 

Another pause and then The Iron Bull spoke in a flat, cold tone. “You.  _ You  _ are sorry?” There was another crack and Solas made a muffled yelp and I realized that The Iron Bull was hurting him. “You are sorry? You don’t  _ get _ to be sorry, elf!”

“Bull, She was frightened of you be-“ his words were cut off like he couldn’t breathe. 

“Not like this!” the Iron Bull’s voice was getting louder and angrier and-

Oh god… he was going to kill him! “Stop!” I scrambled around the corner, my heart pounding in my chest and my head screaming at me to run. But if he killed Solas… “stop… please!” 

The Iron Bull had Solas by his shirt and held up against the wall… that was splintered like it had been hit… and Solas’ mouth was bleeding.

The Iron Bull’s eye narrowed on me. “What?”

“Stop hurting him… please.” I could feel my hands shaking even as I held them out in an instinctive pleading gesture.

The Iron Bull snarled and looked back at Solas, his free hand flexing into a fist like… like he was going to hit him again.

“I’ll go with you!” I blurted out desperately, my stomach twisting in horror even as I said it.

The Iron Bull froze and then looked at me sharply. Solas shook his head, his hands clutching The Iron Bull’s wrist to hold himself up. “Rae-” but The Iron Bull shook him, cutting him off. 

“I’ll go with you if you’ll stop hurting him.” I blurted out louder, desperate to get him to stop. “Please.”

There was a long, stretched out moment where The Iron Bull stared at me, and I felt my chest getting tight in panic. Finally, yet still suddenly enough for me to flinch, The Iron Bull dropped Solas, who staggered slightly when his feet met the ground. I could see a bruise forming on the back of his head and around his throat and then The Iron Bull was moving towards me, massive and intent and-

“Alright.” He said, and then his hand was grabbing my upper arm, the fingers completely circling it.

“Bull-”

“Shut up!” The Iron Bull shot back angrily, cutting him off. “You’ve done enough, elf.”

A sob escaped me as he started pulling me away and I looked back to see Solas standing helplessly, with a horrified, stunned expression. I forced a wobbly, hopefully reassuring smile around my panic. “T-take care of her?” 

I hoped he understood my request but I couldn’t tell because The Iron Bull was dragging me by my arm and I had to practically run to keep from falling. I was fighting sobs, what was he going to do to me? What had I done? I gave myself to him, that’s what I did. But he was going to kill Solas. Oh god, I was going to die or… or worse. 

“Calm down!” He pulled me forward until I was standing in front of him. “Your magic’s unstable. Breathe.”

Oh god… what if he- I was a sarebaas- He-

His hand came up and patted the side of my face sharply. Not quite a slap but the threat was there. “Breathe. Control it.” 

Control it or he would. I forced myself to inhale slowly, my chest hitching around the action.

“Good. That’s good. Again.” 

He didn’t say ‘good girl’ and I was relieved enough to exhale just as slowly and deliberately. Solas- oh god, Solas- Solas said to- I closed my eyes and breathed and tried to draw my magic back in like he had shown me. 

“Good.” The Iron Bull grunted then grabbed my arm again and we were moving again. “Just keep breathing, Kitten.” 

‘Kitten’. Why did he have to call me that? like something small and helpless? Right, because I was small and helpless. Small and helpless and… I forced myself to keep breathing, to keep control of my magic that I didn’t even know how to use. I had given myself to him and I- I didn’t want one of those saarebas collars or the needle or-

“Breathe.” 

I sucked in a breath and closed my eyes. Don’t think about it… just don’t think about it. I had to re open them when I tripped but the Iron Bull didn’t even  pause , just hauled me back up by my arm.

I couldn’t help a whimper when he dragged me out of the gates of Haven. No one did more than glance at us. No one cared that he was dragging a tiny, sobbing woman out of Haven. No one helped. I closed my eyes again and just tried to breathe and keep my feet under myself as he pulled me closer to the sounds of people shouting and-

“What are you doing with my cook?” That was Maxwell. 

My eyes flew open and I saw him on top of a brown Ferelden horse, glaring at The Iron Bull. Varric was looking at me in horrified concern and was pulling Bianca off of his back and-

“She was going to join the Chargers.” The Iron Bull said with a casual, cheerful tone.

Maxwell glanced from me and then back to The Iron Bull and his eyes narrowed slightly. “I can’t let you do that, Rae. Get back to work.” His eyes were fixed on The Iron Bull and his fingers twitched towards his sword.

There was a tense pause and then The Iron Bull let go of my arm. I staggered a few steps away and tried not to start screaming.

“Go back to work, Rae.” Maxwell said firmly.

I looked uncertainly at The Iron Bull but he was in a stare off with Maxwell. I bowed my head and stammered out a, “yes, sir.” And then forced myself to walk at a proper pace back towards Haven. I jumped when Varric spoke next to me after several yards.

“You alright there, Kitten? You need help?” He said softly. 

I did need help. I wasn’t alright. I had given myself to The Iron Bull to protect the Dread Wolf and Maxwell was back and I was a mage and I was… terrified. All I wanted to do was start crying but… The Iron Bull would be upset that Maxwell had interrupted. The Iron Bull would probably… probably be back and the last thing I wanted was for Varric to get hurt… “I’m okay… um, thanks for the shirt and things.” Redirect? That will work right?

“Uh huh. And you look like you are about to pass out because…?” His voice was still gentle.

“I… overworked myself?” I hedged. That was the official story about the last incident.

“Kitten…”

“No. Just…” I hugged myself and kept my head down. “Leave it. Please.” 

Varric made a small grunting sound and nodded. “Alright, Kitten. See you at dinner?”

I allowed myself a small sigh of relief. “Yeah, I’ll be there.” Maybe with him there The Iron Bull will leave me alone for a while… I mean Bianca and all. 

He walked silently next to me until we reached the tavern and I slipped in through the back door. Lionel looked up when I came in and frowned. “You’re back.”

I nodded and then felt myself tear up. He started to open his mouth but I shook my head and held up my hands. “Please. Don't send me back out there. Not yet.” 

He looked at me for a long moment before sighing and nodding towards the oven. “Pie’s done.”

I gave him a weak smile. “Thank you.”

Varric silently took a seat in the corner and I handed him a roll because that was something I could do. “I’m glad you’re back.” I said quietly, and then threw myself into my work. If I was working I wasn’t crying. I had Shepherds pies to make, bread dough to mix for Lionel, supper to plan.

I think at one point I saw Krem poke his head into the kitchen, but I was elbows deep in potato skins and he was gone before I could pull my attention from them. 

And then… it was supper time. Maxwell would want his supper delivered. I… I really couldn’t face him right now. I put together his supper and then… froze, facing the door. I needed to go give it to him. I just needed… to move my feet. Walk out the door. Don’t think about who else might be out there just…

“You need some help there, Kitten?” Varric said softly. 

I tore my eyes away from the door and started to deny it but… “Yes?” My voice felt too small. 

“I got it.” He stood up and took the food from me. I was embarrassed when I realized I was gripping the plate so hard my knuckles were white. “Who’s it for?”

“The Herald.” I hated that I was so scared I couldn’t even deliver a simple plate of food. 

He nodded and left and I took a moment to breathe before I threw myself back into my work and ignored Lionel’s concerned glances. But all too soon… it was time to close down. It was time for me to go… go where? Go back to Solas’? Or… out to The Iron Bull? Where… where do I go?

I finally made myself step outside of the tavern. I… could at least check on the girl? I took a step towards Solas’ cabin but then felt a large hand grab my upper arm and yank me to a halt.

“Hey, Kitten. Let’s talk.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shoutout to AntlersandFangs who helped me a lot with getting this chapter ready for y’all :)


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW for this chapter. Verbal and physical abuse. And just over all Maxwell ‘scumbag’ Herald

‘Hey, Kitten. Let’s talk.” 

I felt the blood drain from my face at Maxwell’s quiet, even tone. Why… why was he calling me Kitten? He was angry. He was angry and he was pulling me towards his cabin. 

Everything that had happened today. Lionel, Herrit, the girl, The Iron Bull, Solas and The Iron Bull, Maxwell was back, Varric, everything… and now this? It was just too much and I broke. I just broke. I started crying, ugly crying with sobs that hurt your chest and throat as he just hauled me after him. His grip was hurting me and I could feel my chest getting tight and fuzzy and then-

He cursed and then there was a lancing pain through my chest and head that left me gasping for air. My knees gave out and I fell, feeling empty and aching and terrified. It was hard to breathe and my heart felt like it was struggling as my vision swam. I was distantly aware that Maxwell was still dragging me through the snow but I couldn’t focus beyond how much I hurt. 

A door opened and warm air touched my face, and then I was tossed onto a chair. I bent over my knees and tried not to throw up. “What- what happened?”

“I had to suppress your magic.” He said impassively.

Suppress- oh… Trevelyan volunteered for the chantry… he was essentially a templar. Crap, how had I forgotten that? I was emotional and unstable and… he had to smite me to stop me from hurting anyone. “I- I’m sorry.” I gasped out, my chest still hurt and felt empty. 

“You’re sorry.” Maxwell shook his head, stepping back to go over to the bed where his pack was. He pulled out a piece of folded paper and held it in the air for me to see. “I had to suppress your magic, because you are a mage.” He said and then sighed as if disappointed. “Why didn’t you tell me? Do you know how much trouble I had to go through to keep you safe? Commander Cullen reported he had discovered you and I had to lie and say that I already knew to keep you from being locked up again. And then you almost have a magical outlash in the middle of Haven? You could have hurt someone.” He tossed the paper aside. “You could have hurt someone, and then they would have known I lied to keep you out of the cells. The dwarf is already prying into how much I know about you. And now this qunari. The soldiers… the Commander. The Spymaster. The list just keeps getting longer doesn't it?”

He shook his head at me. “All of these people wanting to- and you almost had a magical outlash in the middle of a town. My influence is only as strong as my reputation.”

“I- I’m sorry. I didn’t-” 

“You’re sorry.” He rolled his eyes slightly and dug back into his pack. “That doesn’t help much. Fortunately, I can help you. I’ve been trained to help things like you.” 

That… wasn’t… He turned back to me and picked up my arm and my head was too foggy to do anything but watch as he put a knife to my wrist and then flinched when he made a cut.

“Hold still, Kitten.” He said firmly.

I looked away and tried to force air into my chest and eventually he let my arm go. I pulled my wrist to my chest and squeezed over the stinging, freely bleeding cut.

“Good girl.” 

That made me flinch worse than the cut had. 

“Actually. You’re not.” He said as if something had occurred to him as he pulled a cloth from his pocket and grabbed my wrist again and wrapped it loosely around the cut he had made. “What were you supposed to do tonight?”

I must have hesitated too long because his hand shot out and gripped my chin painfully. “Kitten?”

I scrambled, trying to remember what I was supposed to do. Why was he calling me Kitten? That was Varric's name. I could feel myself start to tear up again. “I… but I sent your dinner?”

He pushed me back slightly by his grip on my face. “I told you to  _ bring _ dinner to me. Not send it. It was a simple task.”

“I- I’m sorry.”

“For what?” He said quietly.

“I’m sorry for… for misunderstanding.” I hoped that was good enough and couldn’t help a relieved sob when he let go of my face and stepped back.

“I should have made it simpler for you. I understand.” He said in that gratingly kind tone. “I want you to bring my dinner to me, yourself.” He crouched in front of me and looked at me intently. “Do you know why?”

I shook my head. “No, sir.” 

“The last thing I saw of you was you were being dragged off by a brute qunari, and then you didn’t show up like you were supposed to. I was worried. I had to search for you and wait to make sure you weren’t hurt.” 

I hadn’t- “I’m sorry. I didn’t think, I just...” I had to look away and wipe my tears. “I was scared to go outside.”

“Why?”

“The Iron Bull… I didn’t… I didn’t know if he was waiting for me.” 

“You’re scared of him.”

I nodded. “Yes, sir.” 

He sighed again and stood up and moved to his desk. “He asked for you.”

I felt the blood drain out of my face and felt like puking.

“I told him no, of course. You’re too valuable to let a qunari have his way with. Even if he does lead such an impressive group. Valuable asset. I might have had to let him have a normal cook in order to keep his fighters with the Inquisition, but you…” He looked back over at me and then started walking back towards me. “You have your intuition.” He sighed again. “Of course… I’m not certain how capable of listening he is. It might be best if you move into my cabin so I can better protect you. I can keep your magic stable and-”

I felt my stomach drop. I didn’t want that.

“And…” Maxwell sighed and ran a hand over his face. “The dwarf talked about you constantly, the entire trip. Kitten this, Kitten that… A good name for you I’ll admit, but he’s obsessed. I’m not sure what you’re doing to make him so interested, but I’m not sure how well I can protect you from a man with those connections. He mentioned wanting to steal you away and take you with him.”

Varric? Varric wasn’t like that. 

Was he?

This wasn’t a game.

Why did they all call me Kitten?

There was a sharp knock on the door that made me jump out of my skin. Maxwell only paused and scowled at the door before looking at me with a sharp, ‘stay silent’, then marched over to it. He wrenched the door open and I caught sight of Solas past his arm. “What?”

“I was searching for my charge. Have you seen her?” He said even as his eyes fixed on me.

I felt a desperate mix of relief and terror at seeing him and impulsively mouthed, ‘save me’ while Maxwell wasn’t looking at me. Then immediately looked down because WHAT WAS I THINKING!?

Maxwell let out a friendly sounding laugh. “Ah, she’s with me. She had a run in with that Qunari brute earlier. I’m going to move her in here to help keep her safe.”

I looked up in horror. I didn’t want that. I really, really didn’t.

Solas’ jaw muscle ticked before he gave Maxwell a concerned expression. “Are you certain that is wise, Herald?”

Maxwell’s shoulders stiffened and his voice was sharp. “What do you mean by that, elf?”

Solas ducked his head deferentially. “Forgive me, it is only… she is well known as my companion. It… might look bad if you, The Herald of Andraste, were to bring a knife ear’s whore into your place.”

I felt my stomach twist in nausea, I knew that, of course I did, but hearing it said aloud… Solas was telling him everyone thinks I sleep with him. I- I couldn’t deny it even if I wanted to… Solas was… and Maxwell. Oh god, I felt sick.

Maxwell’s fingers drummed on the door frame before he turned and fixed me with a disgusted look. “Is that true?”

I hugged myself tightly and looked down. Lionel had gotten into a fight over that rumor. “Yes, sir.” 

There was a long pause and then Maxwell cursed softly. “You’ve been busy. I can’t keep you safe in here with that.” He sounded regretful, but I couldn’t help the flood of relief I felt at that. “I have an image I must maintain. You understand.”

“Yes, sir.” 

“Go on.”

“Yes, sir.” I slowly, wary of both my churning stomach and weak legs as well as Maxwell forcing me to do it again if I messed up, stood up and started walking to the door. I was shaking and I was fairly certain I was going to pass out as I passed Maxwell, who did not move, forcing me to brush past him. Solas’ hand went to my elbow in a firm but steadying grip and he led me out of Maxwell’s cabin.

I only made it a few steps before I heard the door close behind us and my knees gave out again in horrified relief. I almost fell to the ground as I retched, losing the scant supper I had been able to stomach in the tavern. 

“Pala!” Solas hissed and I felt myself being lifted. I didn’t have the energy to even care. I felt empty and sick and terrified. I curled into him and cried and tried not to heave again as he whisked me away.

I knew when we were back at the cabin by the warmth that immediately surrounded me. It was always warm here. Warm and the one place I hadn’t been hurt. I felt him sit me on my cot and managed to lift my head towards the one next to me. The elf girl was sleeping soundly, a blanket tucked up around her so only her eyes and ears were visible. I distantly realized Solas was speaking to me, and turned my head back to him. He had my hands in his and was kneeling by the cot. I couldn’t focus on what he was saying. Everything hurt.

His lips pressed together but I couldn’t find the energy to even flinch at the obvious disapproval. He closed his eyes, and then his hand carefully lifted to my face and when I didn’t pull away, because what was the point of pulling away? There was always someone else waiting when I ran. When I didn't pull away, I felt the itch of a healing spell through my face, my arm, my wrist, my legs, even my stomach.

It was easier to focus with the pain eased. I still felt empty. Solas’ hand was still on my face and he was searching my eyes. 

“I’m sorry.” I whispered hoarsely. 

“I thought you were with The Iron Bull.” He said softly.

I closed my eyes but felt too hollow to cry. “Maxwell… The Herald wouldn’t let him. Won’t let him.” As long as I was useful enough. More useful than The Chargers... “I-I’m Sorry.”

Solas made a shushing noise and it was strange hearing that from him. “What happened to your wrist? You were bleeding.”

My wrist? Oh… “I-I lost control… Max- the Herald had to h-help me.”

“He took blood?” Solas said, asked, flatly.

I nodded, exhausted. Solas abruptly stood and whirled away, picking up one of the books on his desk and throwing it at the wall hard enough for the binding to break as he let out a hissing stream of probably elvhen profanity. It was pretty even if it probably wasn’t. I distantly thought I should probably be worried he was so angry, but… I just didn’t care right now. The elf child made a soft groaning sound and turned over, but didn’t wake up. He ran a hand over his face and then inhaled slowly and came back and knelt in front of me and picked up my hands. “Ir abelas, Renae.” He said softly. His eyes were closed and his head was bowed. He looked as exhausted as I felt.

I stared at him, at the weird man bun hair he had. He was… weird. And apologizing to me. “Are you alright?” My voice was still hoarse.

“Me?” His head lifted and then he huffed a soft laugh. “I am well. He did no damage I could not mend. You did not have to…” He looked pained. “You did not have to do that. For me.” 

I did. “You know my name.” I said instead because I was still certain I hadn’t told him anything but Rae.

“Your dreams are unguarded.” He said, reminding me that I was a mage who had no control over her magic. 

“Oh.” I was pretty sure that was a non answer. But I was tired and couldn’t really bring myself to care. “I’m tired. Empty, empty and tired.” 

His jaw tightened and he nodded. “You need to rest.”

I laid down obediently and glanced at him wondering if he-

“I cannot spell you to sleep tonight.” He said apologetically. “You need the fade to recover from what was done to you. If you are willing, I can guard your dreams for you.”

That was nice of him. I nodded and forced out one of the few elvhen phrases I knew. He liked elvhen. “Ma serannas, ma’falon.” 

He startled slightly but his face immediately softened and he stood. “Sleep Lethallan.”

I could do that.

I couldn’t recall the moment I fell asleep but I knew when I was in the Fade. I could feel a sense of dread looming over me. I was in my room. My old room, right after I had moved out of my parents’ house, with the closet that locked and the door that didn’t. Something was coming and I couldn’t run. I slid under the bed and curled up but I knew it wouldn’t stop it.

“Lethallan. It is alright.” Solas said softly. 

Solas. I opened my eyes and the room was gone. There was a field of wildflowers, some I recognized and some I didn’t. Solas was sitting beside me, and as I watched, he lifted his hand and a bright, warm sun appeared in the fade green sky above us. 

I fell back against the ground that oddly felt pillow soft and sighed, the fade around us felt like it was radiating calm and peace. Warm and gentle. “Thank you.” I breathed out, feeling free for the first time since coming here. No walls, no snow, no fear. Just… just peace. Solas gave that to me. Dread Wolf, bringer of nightmares, guarding my dreams. 

I felt a laugh bubble up in my chest at the thought and knew I should smother it but I was too far gone for that. I curled up in the soft grass and laughed in the warm sun until I was breathless.

Solas looked amused by the time I collected myself enough to stop laughing. “Would you be willing to share the joke?”

He was a wolf. A fluffy, fluffy wolf. I clapped my hand over my mouth and made an undignified snorting, hiccuping laugh. “Sorry. I just.” I coughed. “Miss having a pet. I had a fluffy cat once.” 

There was the slightest quirk of his eyebrow but he just smiled. “I will see what I can do.” 

I just shook my head and waved a hand. “What would I do with a cat? I can barely keep myself and a kid alive let alone a cat.” I was talking too much, I knew I was but I was feeling lightheaded and… it was like being on morphine. 

“You do seem to be better at caring for others than yourself.” He said blandly. “Chances are, the cat would be in excellent hands.”

I snorted, then groaned. “I feel high.” I whined, why did I whine?

“You are in the fade. Your aura is taking in as much magic as it can to recover from what was done to you.”

‘What was done to you’. He made it sound like a crime rather than Maxwell trying to keep me from accidentally destroying Haven. “So I’m fade high?” Ugh, that sounded so dorky. 

“Essentially.” He sounded amused again. “Though ‘drunk’ might be a more accurate term.”

I shuddered. “I don’t drink.”

He looked sad for a moment. “I noticed. But it stands.”

“Is there some pretty elvhen term for being fade drunk?” Why did I ask that? “Is this why 'things are easier in the Fade’?” What am I doing? I giggled. Why am I giggling?

“Silras’i’sou’i’ve’an” He said. “To be dizzy, or drunk, on the power of the fade.” He paused and then added. “I feel I should warn you that you are saying more than you might be comfortable with me knowing.” 

I giggled again. “Yeah. I know. It’s just… this is the best I’ve felt in weeks.” 

Solas looked down at his hands and I suddenly felt a whisper of guilt in the otherwise peaceful aura of the fade around us. “You will wake soon.” 

I sat up. “Already?” I didn’t want to wake up, I liked it here. 

“Time flows differently in the Fade.” Solas gave me an apologetic look. “We have been speaking all night.” 

Oh… 

“Thank you.” I murmured. 

He gave me that sad smile again. “Whenever you have need, Lethallan.” That sounded very… significant. 

And then I was wakeing up… away from the peace and calm. Away from the freedom, back to a world where I was nothing and no one. Just The Cook.

I woke… to a small, slightly chubby cheeked face staring at me with large green eyes. She stared at me and I stared at her for a moment before I cleared my throat. “Breakfast?”

She nodded eagerly, her face lighting up in a smile. I sat up, intending to go get something for us to eat, but she just grabbed my hand and pointed to Solas’ desk. He had somehow acquired a tray with bowls of oatmeal on it. I glanced at him and he lifted a shoulder in a shrug as he wrapped his feet. 

“Brea came by to check on you while you were still waking. I hope you do not mind, but I let him see you.” He said quietly.

Oh… that was actually thoughtful. “Ha-has he been bringing breakfast in the morning?” 

Solas nodded. “I paid him to, and it satisfies his desire to check on you.” He gave me a slight smile. “You are adept at gathering people around you no matter your situation.” 

“Like a crazy cat lady.” I huffed and picked up the little girl. Then froze… I was being way too chummy with him… was it the after effects of the fade? But… I was too tired to stay cautious. I saved him from The Iron Bull, he saved me from Maxwell… It had been weeks and I had been nothing but trouble for him. 

I helped situate the kid with her oatmeal and then added quietly. “Sometimes… just knowing someone, even one person, cares can help.” 

“It does.” Solas said, so softly I wasn’t certain I heard him right. He then turned and smiled at the little girl and held out what looked like a dried apple slice. “Here da’lan.” 

The girl grinned at him but didn’t say anything, Solas didn’t seem to expect her to either.

“You’re good with kids.” I blurted out. Then clapped a hand over my mouth.

Solas just laughed softly. “I had a friend who seemed to collect them like cats. I learned through necessity.” 

I blinked, then huffed. “You’re making fun of me.”

He quirked a smile. “Never.” 

This was… a downright friendly conversation. It was weird. In a good way? Maybe? I ate methodically, though my stomach felt raw. The girl finished her oatmeal first, though half of it ended up on her face, and then she peered over the edge of my bowl, and then up at me with the biggest green eyes. I was about to let her have it when Solas produced both a cloth and another dried apple and managed to clean her face while she ate it. It was… surreal… and kinda sweet. 

I was able to finish my oatmeal and help clean up. I tidied the cots and bed before I propped the girl onto my hip and wrapped her in my cloak, then turned and gave Solas a smile that felt more honest than the ones I had given him before. “Thank you. I… hope you have a good day.” 

He blinked then smiled in return. “And you as well, Lethallan.”

Cool. Awkward. Getting out of there. I hurried to the tavern and slipped in the back door. Lionel was there, stoking the stove fire up already. I set the kid on my stepping chair and gave her a pair of spoons to play with while I helped get the kitchen going for the day. 

There was a basket, and a note that said food for six, (which… what? With Maxwell back they only needed five… even if Cullen didn’t eat.) and I made cheese and mushroom omelettes.

I hesitated at the door and glanced at the kid uncertainly. I couldn’t take her with me because she’d get too cold, but if I left her with Flissa, The Iron Bull might take her again. Lionel, as if reading my mind, spoke up. “I’ll watch her.”

I gave him a relieved look. “Thank you.” 

I hurried to the Chantry, dodging the milling people and-

_ Thwack. _

I paused at the sound of something hard hitting something not quite as hard and looked over to see… Krem beating the crap out of The Iron Bull with the ‘Feelings Stick’. That wasn’t supposed to show up until after the Nightmare… Why-? Nope. Not gonna ask. Keep your head down and your mouth shut, woman. I ducked my head and hurried the rest of the way to the Chantry, hoping that he didn’t see me. I had still given myself to him and he might not see Maxwell’s protection as enough of a reason to stay away. 

I paused out of habit by Josephine’s office but the note had said the War Room, so I went the rest of the way, then knocked tentatively. I tried to brace myself, but I still ended up flinching when Cullen opened the door and scowled down at me. 

I held up the tray and tried not to flinch again. “Breakfast…C-commander?” He had sent a letter to Maxwell about me being a mage, he wanted me locked up. 

His lips pressed together, but he opened the door and stepped back so I could duck past him. Josephine's eyes lit up when she saw me. “Miss Rae, Good morning.”

“Good morning Ma’am.” I said carefully hoping nobody had heard about my loss of control last night. The table was mostly clear so I could set the tray down on it and begin serving the food out. Maxwell first, then Cullen and Cassandra, then Leliana and Josephine. There was another plate still and I glanced around uncertainly.

“Oh dear. I wrote six instead of five, didn’t I?” Josephine said, with the exact same inflection as she had for the past week. “It’s been ever so stressful lately. No sense in letting it go to waste now, however. Why don’t you sit and eat with us, Miss Rae?”

I froze and glanced at Maxwell and Cullen. I didn’t… want to.

“She has work to do, Ambassador. There’s no reason to keep her here.” Maxwell said with amusement.

I backed up uncertainly. Who did I listen to?

“Back to work, Kitten. ” Maxwell said.

“Yes, sir.” I hurried out before anyone could argue and catch me in the middle. Head down don’t look at anyone. Just the cook. Just The Cook. I made it back outside and drew my hood over my head. Head down, just do your job and survive.

“Hey, Kitten.” Varric called out and I heard the snow beside me crunch as he fell into step. He was the only one who called me ‘Kitten’ and it didn’t sound wrong. Didn’t make me feel small and helpless. 

“Hey Varric.” I didn’t look up, I had to get back and cook. 

I could hear him walking beside me, but he didn’t say anything as I power walked back to the back door of the tavern. He slipped in behind me and I took my cloak off and smiled at the sight of the elf girl playing beside Lionel’s chair. Then frowned when I saw a cord tied around her waist, and then to the chair.

“Seriously? She’s not a puppy!”

Lionel looked down at her and then back to me with a perplexed expression. “Really? I could have sworn that’s what you called them.”

I hesitated because… She was an elf and Lionel was human and… oh god. “Lionel… are you being racist?”

Varric abruptly started snickering. “Kitten, that’s what you do to kids to keep them out of things.”

“You don’t tie kids up!” I whirled on him in horror. “They’re not animals!” I whirled back on Lionel, who’s eyes were wide. “And she is an elf and a person, not a puppy!”

“Woah!” Varric held up his hands. “Easy there, Kitten, put your claws away. Have you never heard the expression, ‘still tied to apron strings’?’”

I paused. “Oh.” I felt myself blush. “But… it’s still not… right.” 

Varric shrugged. “Didn’t hurt me any.” 

“Me neither.” Lionel added. “And… I wasn’t being… whatever that word is. I know she’s a person.”

Oh… I sighed and bent down to pick up the girl and untie the string. “I’m sorry… I just…” I didn’t know how to explain it. “My parents used to use a playpen or something else.” Lionel suddenly looked at me with a horrified expression and I turned to see it mirrored on Varrics face. “What?”

Varric shook his head and murmured. “Well I can see why you’d be upset about the string now.” As he took up his usual seat. Then held out his hands to her. “Give her here, I’ll watch her.” I gave him a grateful smile and handed her over. She went willingly and I had just turned my back when I heard. “Easy there, Pup, those are fragile.” 

I turned back to see she had somehow gotten a hold of Varric's glasses. “You did not just call her Pup?” Varric just grinned and winked at me, the brat. “No. Absolutely not.” 

“Do you hear that, Pup? Kitten has her claws back out.” Varric said gleefully. 

I sighed. “I’m not going to win this, am I?”

“Nope.” 

Fine. I still needed to figure out a proper name for her though...

The day went on as usual, breakfast, Varric left, I ran around the kitchen with a kid on my hip… Okay… not too usual. Krem came into the kitchen with a disturbed expression on his face and frowned at me. “Where were you before the Conclave?”

That… was refreshingly direct? “I… don’t remember.” 

“Oh.” Oddly enough, he looked even more disturbed as he turned on his heel and left. 

That… couldn’t be good.

I tried to forget about it and started working on toasted cheese sandwiches for lunch… it was strangely the most requested. Huh, guess it wasn’t just an Alistair trait… Fereldens and cheese were like, well… Winsconson and Cheese…

I was pulling a batch of sandwiches off of the stove when I heard the little girl suddenly let out a shriek, the first sound I had heard out of her this morning. I whirled to see what she was doing, but she was dashing across the kitchen floor towards the door to the dining area, where…

The Iron Bull was standing. He didn’t even look at me as he scooped her up and lifted her so she could grab onto his horns. “Hey there, little Meraad.”

I felt frozen in terror. He had come for me, despite Maxwell, and he had the kid again, my kid. He didn’t- he didn’t need the threat. I had already- I took a step closer. “S-sir? Can I- can I help you?”

He glanced at me over her head. “Just came by to see Meraad here.” He moved her so she was sitting in the crook of his elbow and then produced what looked like a candied apple for her. “It’s alright if I sit in here and keep an eye on her, right? I know you get nervous when you can’t see her.”

I heard Lionel start to protest but spoke up first. “Yes, sir.” 

Whatever he wanted as long as she was alright. 

The Iron Bull smiled and it was… softish? As soft as one as massive as him could look. And moved to the chair he had sat in last night with the girl… Meraad… he called her Meraad. It was both beautiful and terrifying because he had given her a name. As if he had some claim on her… and I couldn’t...

I could feel my heart racing but he had the kid, my kid, and… I couldn’t do anything about it. Lionel couldn’t do anything about it. I didn’t realize I was staring until he looked at me and our eyes met, and I quickly dropped my gaze and forced myself to get back to work. 

“Hey, soldier.” The Iron Bull said after a while.

“What?” Lionel said sharply.

“What are those things called, the…” The Iron Bull paused as if thinking, but I forced myself not to look. “They’re baked and round and sweet?”

“Cookies?”

“Yeah! That’s what they're called. Hey, Kitten.”

I flinched and turned at the name, just in time to catch something small he flicked at me. A silver?

“That enough to get you to cook ‘cookies’?”

It… was way more than enough. Was this a test? “I…”

“Is it?”

I nodded quickly. “Yes, sir. Wh-what kind?”

He shrugged one massive shoulder. “Surprise me.” 

“Yes, sir.” I carefully tucked the silver into the bag I kept my coin in. I could use whatever I had left over from paying Flissa for the cookie supplies to buy the girl… Meraad? A cloak and maybe another dress. 

I had to duck into the front to get some Rum and decided to give rum sugar cookies a try again. Flissa said four coppers for the ingredients and that she’d just take them from my day’s wages. Maybe I could actually finish them this time before… doing something stupid, you know, like throwing the bottle at the Iron Bull? 

I could feel The Iron Bull watching me while I worked to make sandwiches for the crowd as well as mix a batch of rum sugar cookies from memory. It was hard not to let my hands shake, especially when he started talking to the kid… Meraad, in his big, deep voice about flowers of all things..

I ended up accidentally breaking the first cookie I scraped off of the pan. I stared at it, oddly compelled to cry over breaking a cookie, before setting it aside on a napkin and forcing myself to breathe evenly as I finished taking the cookies off to cool and bake the next batch. 

I jumped out of my skin when I heard Varric’s voice call out. “Hey, Kitten! You-”

I broke the cookie I had been plating and swiped at my eyes with the back of my arm. That was two now. “Hey, Varric. You… you bribe Flissa to get back here again?” I tried to force some levity into my voice as I moved the ruined cookie to the napkin with the other. 

“You know it.” He said evenly. 

I turned to see him and The Iron Bull staring at each other sharply. Lionel was kneading bread but he looked satisfied. The Iron Bull had Meraad balancing on his knee, and she was holding herself steady on his hand. I glanced between them, feeling uncertain and not wanting anyone to get hurt. Bianca was there.

“Odd place to find a merc, isn’t it?” Varirc said finally.

The Iron Bull shrugged a shoulder and bounced his knee, drawing a delighted squeal from Meraad. “I paid her to make some cookies. Keeping an eye on Meraad here while she does.” 

“Huh,” Varric sat in his usual seat and set Bianca down on the table as he leaned back. “You uh, often drag sobbing women around?”

I froze and barely kept from breaking another cookie. What was he-? The Iron Bull laughed. “Ah, sometimes, when the job calls for it. Don’t like it much.” 

Varric hummed again. “And what kind of job involves Kitten here?”

“Hiring her as a cook for the Chargers.” He said easily. “Boss won’t let me though. Shame.” He had a weird inflection on ‘boss’ that made it sound more like ‘bas’. “Guy’s real prickly about her.”

“Cookies are done!” I said loudly as I plated the last one. I picked up the plate and presented it to The Iron Bull and was proud of the fact that it didn’t shake too badly.

The Iron Bull gave me that broad, toothy grin and swung Meraad to the floor before snagging one of the cookies and handing it to her. She took a bite, then pulled it away and looked at it with wide eyes, then ran off and hid under Lionel’s table to eat it. The Iron Bull made a satisfied grunt and stood up and I took a step back as he towered over me.

He shoved one of the cookies into his mouth and nodded. “That’s good, Kitten.” He took the plate from me and I stepped back again. He was so tall.

The door opened and I caught sight of Solas past The Iron Bull’s elbow. Oh no.

“Chuckles.” Varric greeted

“Varric.” Solas said politely, but he was glaring at The Iron Bull, who was glaring right back at him and… oh god… what if because Maxwell wouldn’t let The Iron Bull… take me… the deal to not hurt Solas was…

I snatched up the napkin of broken cookies and jumped forward, between The Iron Bull and Solas. The hair on the back of my neck prickled at having the giant man behind me but-

“Here. They’re broken, but still good.” I shoved the napkin into Solas’ hand and gave him a hopefully reassuring smile. “Thank you. For… last night.”

He took the napkin and blinked at me, then seemed to realize what I was doing and opened his mouth to say something, just as I shut the door in his face, then turned and pressed my back to the door and lifted my chin in a hopefully brave gesture as I faced The Iron Bull.

“He didn’t do anything, leave him alone.” My voice only shook a little.

The Iron Bull’s lip lifted in a snarl, but he just growled out a, “Cute.” and turned, pausing to snag two cookies from the plate in his hand and pass them under the table to Meraad, and then left through the other door. 

Varric watched him as he left, then turned to me.“Kitten… what’s going on?”

I felt myself tear up and swiped my eyes with the back of my sleeve before shaking my head. “I don’t know. Everyone is big and weird.” 

I went back to the counter and tried not to shake as I gathered up the pans to wash. There was a long pause before Varric slowly asked. “So… you and Chuckles?”

“I don’t know why, but The Iron Bull hates him.” I said quietly. Why was I even telling him this? I wiped my eyes again and took a breath, I could do this. “I’m sorry Varric, ever-everything’s fine. Don’t worry just… just guys, being guys. It’s fine.”

Varric sighed. “Kitten, Listen if you-“

“No!” I was probably a little too loud but… if Varric got mixed into this mess then, he’d be on The Iron Bull’s bad side too and that was more trouble for Maxwell and then… no, Varric couldn’t be mixed up in this. “It’s fine. I’m fine.”

“And the scene I came back to with him literally dragging you out of-?”

“I found them fighting. I was upset, but I had agreed to go with him.” I said. “I’m fine.” 

Varric made a grunting noise that sounded a lot like disbelief and picked Bianca from the table before standing and turned for the door. I thought that was it, but he turned at the last moment and gave me a long look. “You know it’s okay to ask for help, Kitten.” And then he was gone. 

I turned back to the pans and leaned heavily against the counter, willing myself not to cry. Sure. It was okay to ask for help. But getting help? That was a different story. And even if they believed you, even if they wanted to help… What could they do? Nothing I could think of would help the Inquisition. The hole in the sky was more important than one little cook. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I know I promised some fluff and there was a bit. I think Rae’s overall relationship with Solas has improved but she’s taking baby steps and I’m trying to stay true to her character. 
> 
> C-L: Could you help me just a little bit?  
> A&F: *rubs hands together gleefully*  
> Five hours later:  
> C_L: *stare at screen in horror and guilt* What have I done?  
> A&F: *sipping tea in satisfaction*


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning for over all Maxwell nastiness and implied threat of rape

Meraad.

That was her name now. I tried to think of something else but she would only shake her head at me if I tried to call her anything except Da’lan or Meraad. She loved The Iron Bull and Solas. 

Josephine stopped asking for an extra plate but she always thanked me when I delivered it to the war room. I found out from Maxwell that I was actually getting paid for cooking breakfast for the council. Maxwell gave it to me every few days. It wasn’t much, not like Flissa was paying me but… what could I expect? I cooked for five people, sometimes just three, vs a hundred to two hundred people at the tavern. It was something at least. 

Maxwell would check on me every time I brought his dinner in, but as long as I kept my head down and my mouth shut and my magic in, it wasn’t too bad. I just had to behave and answer his questions as best as I could. Solas and I were… I wouldn’t say friends? But we were definitely more comfortable around each other. Or at least I didn’t flinch when he moved too quickly. Lionel got his new forearm crutches and he loved them, he used them to walk over to me with more ease and stability than his old crutch and hugged me. 

I actually started crying, it just felt amazing to be hugged, to have been able to help in some small way. To my shock, when Lionel pulled back he dropped a sovereign into my hand. “Harrit says this is for the design.” 

What?

I wasn’t going to argue though. I bought Meraad four dresses, shoes, and a cloak. Seggrit was still a jerk and a price gouge but I was able to talk him down. Oddly enough he didn’t budge on the price until Lionel mentioned I was the Inquisition’s Cook. 

The Iron Bull…

Krem didn’t come around to keep him away anymore, though he did pop in every night to check on me and grab some supper. 

The Iron Bull showed up practically every other day in the kitchen to play with Meraad and to pay me an obscene amount of money to cook something for him and the Chargers while he watched. Cookies, brownies, and…

“It’s an onion, but you cut up the top so it looks sort of like a flower, and you dip it in… something and then you fry it.”

I blinked at him that was… “A blooming onion?”

“Yeah!” The Iron Bull’s teeth flashed in a grin. “Had one once, they’re pretty good.” 

So I cooked a blooming onion and it turned out to be another hit, because Flissa came in just as I was patting excess oil from it and The Iron Bull took a bite and practically moaned when it was in his mouth. And then he looked directly at me and smiled. That. Was terrifying. 

Flissa looked at it then asked me to make another. So I did. She loved it. Varric loved it. Everyone except Brea loved it... but Brea hates onions. 

I even made the blooming onions for the Council’s breakfast one day. Not that it was a breakfast food, but Josephine requested it. Maxwell, as always, dismissed me, but I thought I saw Leliana give him a flat look that didn’t bode well for him. I hoped he wasn’t being too rude to them. 

I threw myself into my work, took care of Meraad and Brea, magic lessons and tentative conversations with Solas, avoiding Varric, and… trying not to cry every time I saw The Iron Bull duck into my kitchen. He hadn’t… done anything but he just watched me so intently it felt like I was separated from a vicious dog by just a little fence. 

But the money he paid helped me keep Meraad warm and fed and got Brea a coat, socks and new shoes. I splurged on some much needed soap and a new shirt.

My day’s had pretty much fallen into a… not quite comfortable routine… a routine that was torn away when I was carrying Maxwell’s supper to his cabin. A cabbage stew tonight with tomatoes and meat. 

I brought it in when he said I could enter, set it on his desk, and then felt my heart sink when he stood up and pulled the chair out. What had I done? I hadn’t had an outburst or spoken up or- I sat when he told me to and forced myself not to flinch at his murmur of ‘good girl’.

“I’m going to Val Royeaux.” He said instead of waiting for me to figure out what I needed to apologize for. “I’m taking you with me.”

What? But I’m just a cook. I could die out there and he couldn’t just… I wasn’t a fighter.

He must have read the absolute panic and fear in my face. “You’re such an excellent little cook I can’t help but wonder what you could do with some proper Orlesian spices.” He said. “I have important business there, but I think you’ve earned a little trip to pick out some spices. A little shopping.” 

“But I can’t… fight.” I said, then when his eyes narrowed, hastily added. “Not that I’m ungrateful, I really am. Thank you! I just… don’t want to be a burden. Sir.” 

“I’ll be taking the qunari and Cassandra. Between the three of us we’ll be able to keep you safe.” He smiled. 

“Yes, sir.” This was… bad. Really bad. I didn’t want to leave Haven. I didn’t want to go anywhere. I just wanted my kitchen. 

He reached out and patted my shoulder with his gloved hand. “Don’t worry, just behave and I’ll keep the brute in line.” 

Because of course he’s taking The Iron Bull. “Yes sir.” Head down, stay quiet. 

“Good girl.” Maxwell backed up and gave a gesture with his hand that meant he was through. I stood and walked to the door. “And Rae?”

I stopped and turned my head towards him, my hand frozen above the handle. “Y-yes sir?”

Maxwell smiled at me and reached into his shirt and pulled out a small vial, it shimmered and glowed and was attached to his neck by a thin chain. “Just in case, I hope you know that I will always find you if you ever… get lost.” I felt the blood drain from my face and my heart started to pound. A phylactery. He made a phylactery. I was- “Oh, don’t look at me like that.” He gave me a smile that looked like it was supposed to be comforting but it made my skin crawl. “It’s for your safety. The roads are dangerous and we wouldn't want that qunari or the dwarf stealing you off and not be able to find you.” 

"Yes, sir." The response was habitual now, though it barely came out as a whisper. He had a phylactery because I had lost control before.

I waited for him to tell me to leave but he didn’t, just tucked the… thing back into his shirt and crossed his arms. “Well…?” When I took too long to think of what he wanted he sighed and leaned against the desk, shaking his head. "You're so slow sometimes, Kitten. Let me help you again. When someone goes out of their way to help you, you should…" He gestured towards me and I felt my stomach twist as I realized what he wanted.

"Th-thank you." The words tasted vile in my mouth but I forced them out. 

“Good girl.” He smiled and then stood straight and started walking towards me and I froze as he touched the side of my face With the back of his gloved fingers. My skin crawled at the mockery of affection but eventually he let his hand drop. "It's too bad you let the elf have you. I might have been able to elevate you. Give you more privileges, take care of you better. But you're ruined as it is." He let out a sigh as if disappointed and then chucked my chin. "Too late now. You really need to learn to think." 

I dropped my eyes to the floor and just prayed he was done I just… I couldn’t. “Yes, sir.”

He made a humming sound then stepped back. “Go on, I've got some things to do. Go pack, be at the stables in the morning.”

"Yes, sir. Thank you, sir." I added for good measure. I carefully turned and left quietly and waited until I was far enough away that he'd have to shout and draw attention to break into a run, back to Solas' cabin to scrub my face raw in the wash basin. 

I went through the motions of packing, but my mind kept playing everything he had said. ‘Let the elf have you’ ‘ruined now’ and when Solas had told him the rumors. ‘Knife ear's whore’. If he hadn't… Maxwell might have... I felt my knees give out as a sob tore through my chest. ‘Elevated’ me… he would have made me… I curled in on myself, just wanting to forget. Just wanting to… 

“Rae?” Solas’ voice made me look up, he was standing at the door, I hadn’t even heard it open, his expression concerned as he slowly entered and then eased down to kneel next to me. I could feel his magic sweep over me in a gentle probing. “What happened?” 

I felt his hand gently touch my shoulder and… he had kept Maxwell away from me and… I just wanted to hug him. So I did. His arms went out away from himself when I moved up to my knees and wrapped my arm around his neck and just… hugged him. After a moment he slowly hugged me back, but gently. He wasn’t trapping me.

“Rae, what happened?” 

“You-” It took a second for me to get my voice under control. “You’re protecting… me.” 

He sighed and his arms tightened slightly around me. “Not as much I would like… what happened Renae?”

“I’m ruined.” I said and then laughed. “Thank god.” 

He stiffened and I felt him force himself to relax. “Rae, please. What happened.”

“Nothing. Because-” I giggled into his shoulder, slightly hysterical but relieved. So, so relieved. “Because an elf touched me. He won’t. ‘Image to maintain’.” 

Solas almost instantly relaxed and I felt him exhale in what I realized was relief. “It was… a risk, but I am glad I gambled correctly.” He said quietly, and pressed his cheek to the top of my head and returned the hug in earnest this time. And he just… held me. It was comforting and real. No expectations or assumptions, just giving and receiving of comfort. 

“He’s taking me to Val Royeaux.” I said quietly. 

He tensed and I heard the quietest hint of a snarl before he sighed. “He is leaving me behind.” 

I suddenly felt dread in the pit of my stomach. “He’s taking The Iron Bull… he told me and he-“ I had to take a breath before I continued. “He made a phylactery… out of my blood.”

“I suspected.” His arms tightened on me for a fraction of a second before loosening. “I was unable to prevent it.” He sighed then leaned back. “I do not believe you have anything to fear from Bull though.” 

“Why does he hate you?” I blurted out. Then pulled back and shook my head. “Never mind, not my business. Sorry.” 

Solas just huffed a wry laugh and stood, pulling me to my feet as well. “I… made a mistake that hurt someone he cared about. Among other things.”

I froze…he and the Iron Bull were never supposed to meet until the breach, but what if in this world he had woken early? What if they-? How long had he-? “How long have you been awake?” He paled at the exact same moment that I realized I had spoken my thought aloud and I was still holding onto his neck and- oh crap! I let go and immediately fell backwards. “I’m sorry! I didn’t tell, I won't tell.” 

We stared at each other for a long moment before he slowly, very slowly moved to sit on the edge of his bed and rested his elbow on his knee and his chin on his hand as he stared at me. “Would… this explain why you were so… frightened of me?”

I winced and nodded. “But I haven’t said anything, and I won’t! I promise!” 

His hand moved to cover his mouth and his eyes closed. And then… he started laughing. Full on… laughing. Falling back on the bed and covering his face with his hands laughing. It was… freakin’ Fen'harel was laughing on his bed and I was still breathing by some miracle. 

Eventually he managed to catch his breath. “So much for my carefully crafted disguise.”

“It’s… a very good disguise?” I said hopefully.

“And yet it did not fool you.” He said and then giggled. Like… full on giggled. 

I mean. It did, and broke my heart but… oh god he was still laughing… Why was he laughing? ”Are… you alright?” 

He rolled onto his stomach and put his face into his blanket and answered between laughs, his voice muffled by the blanket. “I tried… so hard… to figure out what I had done. You were terrified! And I couldn’t figure it out!” He lifted his head from the blanket and actually smiled at me, one of the soft, eye crinkling smiles. “Your mind continues to surprise me, even when I believed-” He burst into laughter again.

Oooooookay. Fen’Harel was on his bed, laughing like a drunk teenager. I sneakily pinched my arm. Nope. Not dreaming. Okay. I… was pretty sure this meant I wasn’t going to die? The whole… smile and giggles thing seemed a pretty good… hope thing… words… he was still laughing.

“So… you’re not going to laugh for a hundred years are you?” I tried to joke. Still in shock that I wasn’t dead. 

Solas giggled some more but pushed himself to roll back onto his back and cover his face with his hand and I saw his chest moving in an attempt to calm down. 

Eventually he collected himself enough to sigh. “If you knew… the entire time… then why were you afraid The Iron Bull would harm me?”

Oh. “I mean. You’re not… full strength right now… right?” I gestured vaguely up at the sky and then yanked my hand back into my lap and hoped he hadn’t seen that.

He scrubbed his hands over his face and his voice was suddenly serious. “Unfortunately, you are correct. And why the  _ Herald _ still breathes.” 

Right… that was still a thing to be worried about. “I need to finish getting ready.” 

Solas sighed. “I… will inform Flissa on your behalf and fetch Meraad.”

And just like that, the Big Reveal over me knowing he was Fen’Harel was… over. He brought back Meraad and Brea and supper, and we ate together in a surprisingly friendly/domestic type deal. Life was… weird. Really, really weird.  Brea gave me a red hat (for good luck apparently) and then he left early, saying he had some friends to see, and then I played with Meraad until it was her bed time while Solas bent over something on his desk and did fancy ancient elf magic stuff on a necklace. He was still working on it when I finally went to sleep. 

I dreamed of my kitchen and like always, it was just me. No spirits, no demons, just me and bread dough that I took my frustration and anxiety over the impending trip out on. 

I was woken by a cold blast of air to my feet, Solas safely across the room, and he actually smirked slightly as he held up a pendent. “To guard your dreams, lethallan.” 

Oh. “Thank you.” He… looked like he had stayed up all night to make that for me. 

“The next time a certain… being is away, I will attempt to teach you to guard your own. For now, this should suffice.”

I sat up in the cot and he walked over to sit next to me and actually put it around my neck himself. It was strange to see him so at ease and also not to feel frightened by every move he made. Nice. But strange. 

We had breakfast.

Well. Solas and Meraad had breakfast. I picked at it, my stomach in nervous knots. Solas said I shouldn’t have to worry about The Iron Bull. But he was still big and weird and Maxwell was there and Cassandra was the only other person and she barely even looked at me. I would essentially be on my own. 

With Maxwell.

And The Iron Bull.

I… was going to die.

“You will not die.” 

Solas’ voice made me jump slightly. “Did I say that out loud?”

He made a wry face. “No. I just recognize the thought behind the expression.”

That had probably been a very constant face…

“So-”

“No, you may not make wolf jokes.” He smirked, “chances are I have heard them.”

“I actually wasn’t going to ask that.” I so was going to ask that.

“Canine, dog, bone, and ‘fluffy’ jokes are also not-” He paused and then glanced at me. “That was what you were laughing about in the fade.

“Um.”

He suddenly burst into giggles and shook his head. “All of the signs I missed.” 

“Okay, you are way too amused by this.”

“Can you blame me?” He did an odd, ungraceful ‘snerk’ noise, then blushed and covered his mouth with his hand. 

That… “I think my head is going to explode.”

He grimaced. “Let’s avoid that.”

“You use contractions.”

“It happens.” He was still laughing as he moved to wipe Meraad’s face and pick her up to rest on his hip and… 

“I don’t want to go.”

His smile fell and he turned back to me. “I know. If it is any consolation, the Ambassador has very politely threatened Maxwell to a life of utter misery if you do not return promptly and in good health.” 

That… did help actually. 

The conversation died on that note as he helped me gather my things and then we began to walk towards the stables outside of the wall. The walk felt forever long, and still far too short. All too soon, Solas was catching my elbow with his hand because I had frozen midstep at the sight of Maxwell glaring at me. He bent his head to whisper in my ear. “Your dreams will be safe. He cannot harm you without consequences.” 

I nodded and we continued walking towards The Iron Bull, Cassandra, and Maxwell. Varric was there, but he looked… well… upset. His arms were crossed and his eyes were narrowed but he had a defeated air to him.

“Hey, Kitten.” Varric gave me a wan smile. “You excited about a road trip?”

Absolutely not. “I… hope to get some cinnamon so I can make cinnamon rolls.” I hedged. 

The Iron Bull made a delighted noise and I tried not to flinch. Though, he would probably pay me an obscene amount of money to make some for him and the Chargers and I could maybe get a stack of paper and colors for Meraad. Cassandra made a noise in her throat and then handed something to me. I stared at the strips of leather, then they twitched and I followed them to find that there was a pony on the other end of them. 

“Um. I just…”

“Problem, Kitten?” Maxwell said flatly.

“I don’t know how to ride a horse.” I stared at the animal and then remembered to add, “Sir.” 

“Of course.” He sighed. 

“Here.” The Iron Bull grunted and took the reins from my hands and tossed them onto the saddle of his massive horse. “I’ll lead.”

Oh. Lovely. “Thank you, sir.” This was not lovely. 

I started to hesitantly move towards the pony when Solas’ hand caught my arm and he pulled me back into a hug. I automatically returned the hug and I felt Meraad’s tiny arm wrap over my shoulder at the same time that Solas pressed… what felt suspiciously like a kiss to my temple. What?

Cassandra let out a soft sigh.

Oh. That. Right! I pulled back enough to kiss Meraad’s forehead and smiled tentatively at Solas. “Dareth shiral.” 

He gave me a tight smile and let me go, and then I flinched as The Iron Bull let out a sharp. “Come on.” 

He was glaring at Solas, and Maxwell’s eyes were darting between me, Solas, The Iron Bull, and Meraad with a delight that made me nervous. I had absolutely no idea how one was supposed to get on a horse, but the problem was solved by The Iron Bull grabbing me by the waist and easily hefting me up onto its back, completely ignoring my barely smothered scream. I hung onto the sticky out part in the front of the saddle while he ducked around and adjusted the foot things. He got on his giant horse and picked up the leather strips attached to my horse and… this was not going to be a pleasant trip. 

Spices. Shopping. 

Focus


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning, verbal and physical abuse and overall Maxwell nastiness

I was wrong. The trip was absolutely miserable. First: The Iron Bull had to ride right next to me and catch me every time I started to slide off, which was too often. And resulted in me having to bite back a shriek because it is not fun to have a massive hand shoot out towards you at random intervals.

Second: It rained the first two days and Thedas canvas was not modern canvas and I would never be truly dry again.

Third: I was sore, so sore. By the time we stopped for camp the first night my legs refused to work. I felt like whimpering every time I tried to move, but Maxwell got a smirk every time I did so…

Fourth: Maxwell.

Fifth: Cassandra. She… was apparently just as stubborn and oblivious as I remembered in the game and I wanted to scream at her to get away from Maxwell while she could, but he was on his best behavior and apparently trying to romance her and it made my stomach turn every time he called her ‘my lady’. And I didn’t dare say anything when it was just… current company. 

Also: I ended up sharing a tent with Cassandra, as she was the only other ‘appropriate’ person for me to bunk with and she was… a talker. You know those kids that keep the whole sleepover awake with whispered questions? That’s Cassandra. She wanted to know everything. Not like an ‘interrogate’ everything, but the ‘kiss and tell’ everything. It was weird. 

I… may have accidentally implied that Solas and I had adopted Meraad together and weren’t opposed to acquiring more children.

Oops. 

Sixth: Tent canvases were thin… very thin. 

Seventh: The Iron Bull was… He was so weird! He was attentive and quiet and always watching me. He brought me food and led my horse and set up my tent and… It was sweet? Except it was scary? I didn’t know what to make of him except he was very, very focused on me. 

Eighth: Did I mention Maxwell?

Ninth: Cooking decent meals was difficult, because when packing I had forgotten to check if they had everything… guess who had to flip flapjacks with a knife? Yeah…

Tenth-

“Getting close.” The Iron Bull interrupted my mental complaint list and I looked up. I’m pretty sure I just stared at the spires of Val Royeaux with the dumbest look… and not because of what you are thinking… I mean. It was massive, but it was also like seeing a city stuck in the renaissance era France… bubonic plague era. I was suddenly very wary of it.

“We should be able to find an inn that will house qunari outside the gates.” Maxwell said.

I was going to get fleas.

I was going to get the plague.

Oh god, what if I got lice! 

“You okay there, Kitten?” Bull asked quietly but I still jerked at the sound of it because… he was right there. 

“Um… yes… sir.” I wasn’t.

I got worse the closer we got because the smell almost knocked me off of my horse.

The Iron Bull actually pulled his horse to a halt. “Hey, bas, alright if I find a place on the outskirts? Place smells like humans.” I was almost completely certain The Iron Bull called Maxwell ‘bas’ instead of ‘boss’. 

Maxwell looked like he was going to deny that, but then Cassandra made a thoughtful noise. “It probably would be cheaper.”

“That is true.” 

I kept my head down and tried to resist pinching my nose, but eventually, The Iron Bull and Cassandra managed to find us a place that didn’t smell and also didn’t refuse to rent to qunari. Well. The Iron Bull found it like he had been there before, which, judging by the friendly waves exchanged inside, he had been. I liked it better in here than on the streets where people pointed and sometimes spat.

Oh, yeah, that was ten. Tenth: Orlesians. Ugh. 

Maxwell got his own room, Cassandra and I shared. I don’t know where The Iron Bull slept or even if he did. He was already down stairs when we had woke up… well, I say woke up but Cassandra was really the only one that slept last night, the bed gave me heebies, and I sat on the window sill most of the night and just watched the street.

I may have fallen asleep against the window.

Maybe.

Okay… I definitely fell asleep against the window. Cassandra looked amused when she woke me up with a (probably supposed to be gentle but loud because she was a big warrior woman), “You miss him?” 

I flailed and fell onto the floor, bruising my (already probably bruised) backside. Cassandra apologized profusely and then tried to help me up. 

I flinched but she didn’t seem to notice as she hefted me up by my upper arms. “Sorry, ma’am. I just startle easily.” 

“I have noticed.” She laughed and then we both went downstairs.

Maxwell gave Cassandra a smile and actually suavely bowed to her when she made it to the bottom on the stairs. She let out a soft ‘oh’, but it only made my skin crawl. She deserved better than him. 

I pulled the hat Brea had given me over my hair and kept my head down and tried to think of a way to make her realize what kind of person he was without her just… getting angry at me and dismissing me as a liar. I was still coming up empty when we turned out in the street and Maxwell’s hand fell on my shoulder. I flinched but otherwise I kept my reaction to a minimum. 

“Will you be alright shopping on your own, Kitten?” He asked and the faux sincerity in his voice made me want to puke. “The markets are large. Wouldn’t want you to get lost.”

He could find me if I did get lost but. “I’ll be alright, sir. I’ve been in markets before.” Not medieval fantasy markets… (does a renaissance fair count?) but markets… it’s pretty universal right? It’s not Norfolk or Birmingham at least. 

He eyed me doubtfully and I tried not to shift under his hand. “Val Royeaux isn’t some small town, Kitten.”

I bit my tongue and dropped my eyes. “Yes, sir. I am confident.” 

He made a slight scoffing noise but patted my shoulder. “Alright. I’ll be able to find you if you get lost. Be back here before supper.”

I nodded and murmured a ‘yes, sir’ and started to walk in the direction of the market.

“Wait.” I turned at the sound of Cassandra’s voice and she came over and pressed an Inquisition pin into my hand. “Just show this for payment.”

Was this… a credit card basically? And a lot of trust. “What… what’s my limit?” 

“Josephine said she would let you decide.” Was my answer and then Cassandra turned and I saw Maxwell frowning and- how was I supposed to know how much to spend?! Really? 

Eleven: Anxiety over how much I could spend. I ended up haggling… a lot. Turns out markets  _ are _ pretty universal. (Or inter-dimensional, Nope not gonna think about that.) Spices were sold in spice boxes, different boxes had different varieties. I got three different boxes which covered a pretty broad spectrum and then ordered a small sack of garlic. Then I put the pin away and resigned to only using my savings for the rest. I was not going to spend any more Inquisition money than necessary. I was more fond of living, thank you. 

I was surprised how well I got off without knowing how to read but I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised because I met several vendors who couldn’t read either. Reading was for the nobility and scholars. Which sucked. 

There was a commotion further up the market, but it was Firmly Not My Business so I instead turned my mind to finding something to eat while I didn’t have giant men looming over my shoulder. I ended up in front of a food vendor and frowning at their odd pile of meat and salad. It… wasn’t very portable. A few people were standing awkwardly eating from plates before putting the plates down to be reused, which… ew. 

I moved on further down to where another vender, a slight, harried looking woman, was using the salad itself as a wrap, (which was smart because no dishes to wash or… not wash, ew. Okay, I would be cringing over that for a while. Even Flissa had sense to have Brea wash dishes between meal rushes) but the meat was dry and pretty much flavorless. 

I paid for it and took a bite… and decided right there to help her out some. I finished half of it and then went back to the market, buying a batch of dried chili, salt and pepper and a sack of corn flour which was thankfully considered low end so I had just enough left over after the spices. That would have to work. It’s all I could get with my own savings.

I went back to see her just closing up for the afternoon, perfect! “Hey, um miss?” I approached carefully, unsure if I would be understood… I spoke very little French. She looked up from her stand and frowned. “Closed. Come back six bell.” She said, her voice heavily accented French. 

I hesitated, uncertain, then just plopped the sack of corn flour on her counter. “I ate here. Your food is good, but can be better.” The woman’s eyes narrowed and I gave her a smile and then set down the spice box. “Can I show you?”

“Why? What do you want?”

“I’m The Cook.” I shrugged. “I cook. It’s what I do. Your food was the only thing I was willing to eat today.” 

“What do you want?” She repeated suspiciously.

“To show you how to make tacos.” I gave her a smile. “I already bought most of what you need and it won’t cost you anything.” 

It took a little convincing but eventually she let me come back where she cooked. It was neat for the most part and the counters were clean. I carefully showed her how to cook the corn tortillas then shape them if she wanted too, but soft tacos would probably be more practical. She had tomatoes, and cheese as well. So my tacos turned out ten times better then I had expected and the look on her face when she bit into them was priceless. 

Her eyes got wide and then she chewed and swallowed, looking at me with an odd expression. “This, What do you call this?”

“Tacos.” I said cheerfully, excited it was a hit. This could change her entire business from what I saw today. 

She narrowed her eyes at me. “What do you want?”

I held up my hands and shook my head. “Nothing, just being friendly.” I chewed on the inside of my cheek. “You could probably sell for double what you make on the wraps. Then with that extra buy what you need to keep going.” 

I listed what I paid for the corn flour and chili, salt and pepper. “But the chili will last you a while yet, a little goes a long way and-“ I looked outside and froze it was getting dark. Already? “Uh, I’m sorry. I got to go.” 

“Wait! Your name!” She said quickly, grabbing my arm..

“Rae. I’m The Cook for the Inquisition.”

“Belle. Merci.” 

I flashed her a smile, “Taco Belle.” Then I grabbed my spice boxes and sack of garlic and rushed for the door. I couldn’t believe it, I was late and… Taco Belle, I may have giggled. It was fully dark by the time I found the inn we were staying at and I ran face first into The Iron Bull’s stomach when I tried to race into the door. He caught me by my shoulders before I could fall and I felt my stomach drop.

“I’m sorry!” 

“Where were you?” He asked, and I flinched. 

“I- I-“ 

“Kitten.” Maxwell’s loud voice made me jump and The Iron Bull let go of me and took a step back.

“She’s back, bas.” 

He… was definitely saying ‘bas’ instead of ‘boss’ but I didn’t have time to dwell on it because then Maxwell’s hand was sharp on my shoulder and dragging me into the inn. “You’re late! I said before supper and you never showed. We didn’t know where you were or what happened.” His tone was dripping with concern but his fingers were digging painfully into my shoulder.

“I’m sorry, I got distracted with the-”

“Distracted?” He sighed. “I let you go off by yourself and you get distracted? You could have been taken or robbed and we wouldn’t have known.”

I opened my mouth but his fingers dug in, so I stayed quiet until the door to his room was closed behind us. He roughly shoved me away by my shoulder and I hit my knee on a chair. “Sit, Kitten.”

It didn’t matter how many times he called me that, it still made my stomach turn. and I sat. There was no ‘good girl’ which I was grateful for.

“I gave you the simplest of instructions.” He said and I dropped my head and tried to not start crying. “One instruction. Even you should have been able to follow it.”

There was a pause so I apologized. “I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.” 

“No, because next time I’ll be sending someone with you to make sure you don’t get… ‘distracted’ again. I put too much faith in you.” He sighed. “I give you a chance and you mess up… again. How many times is this now?”

“I… I don’t know, sir.” 

“Too many.” He said flatly. “You need to learn, Kitten, or there will be consequences.” He crossed over to a table that had what looked like a bourbon dispenser and poured a drink, downing it in one before pouring another that he rolled in his hand. “I gave you slack and you couldn’t handle that. Now, I have it pull it back.”

He sighed again as if disappointed and then downed his drink and set the tumbler down. “At least we can start our return to Haven in the morning.”

I lifted my head cautiously. “You found the message already?”

Maxwell narrowed his eyes at me and I dropped my head back down. Stupid. Stay quiet!

“Message, Kitten?” He asked quietly and moved to squat in front of the chair and laid a gloved hand on my leg. “You wouldn’t be keeping things from me would you? That wonderful intuition of yours?”

“No, sir!” I shook my head frantically. “You said… you said to be quiet until you asked. I’m sorry!” 

His fingers drummed against my leg and I wanted to slap it away. “Hmm, so I did.” He then tilted his head and gave me a narrowed glare. “Now Kitten, if you can remember that, way back then, then why did you forget and get ‘distracted’ from something I told you this morning?”

I closed my eyes but I could feel a tear escape anyway. “I… was cooking. It’s what I am. I cook.” 

His fingers drummed on top of my leg again before he sighed. “I suppose it would be too much to expect something like you to remember everything. We’ll just have to make sure you have an escort from now on since you’ve proved distractible.” 

That wasn’t ideal but not terrible. I nodded because what could I do? Nothing. 

“Anything you want to tell me, Kitten?” His thumb began moving back and forth on my leg and I had to hide my shudder. 

I cast about frantically for the response he wanted while trying not to kick him. “If… you want me to, sir?”

“Might as well. The message?”

“It… came on an arrow?”

He nodded, his eyes narrow.

“It’s from a group. They make good allies and the clues should lead you to a man trying to undermine the Inquisition.” I pressed my back as far back as I could when he laughed and stood. 

“‘Look for the Red things’” he said mockingly and laughed again. “And what need do I have to chase after red things left by illiterate commoners?”

Was that a rhetorical question? Or did he want an answer? Or-?

“Leads to someone trying to undermine the Inquisition.” He scowled and took a drink. “I guess we should at least check while we’re here.” 

“Yes, sir.” He needed Sera… though i really doubt Sera would stay long… maybe? he seems to mind himself around the inner circle 

He grimaced and moved to set the glass down. “Stay there until I return.” 

What?

He gave me an exasperated look. “You proved that you can’t be trusted to go anywhere by yourself, Renae. I can’t bring you with me, it isn’t safe. So stay there so I know where you are and that you are safe.” 

Oh. I dropped my head. “Yes, sir.” 

And then he was gone. 

I lasted until I was reasonably certain that he was long gone before I jumped out of that blasted chair and started pacing. I hated to think of what Maxwell might say to Sera. He wasn’t very… nice. I hoped she didn’t shoot him. Oh god… what if she shot him and then we lost the mark and then the whole world died because the Herald is an a- uh a very not nice person? 

Eventually, I was too tired to keep pacing. My legs still hurt from riding a horse, I hadn’t slept well last night, and I had been out in the streets all day. I curled up in the window seat and stared out the window to try and catch sight of his return.

I startled and flailed when the sound of a door slamming woke me up and I fell to the floor out of the window seat, barely blinking myself awake before I was roughly pulled to my feet by my arm and then sent falling back to the ground with a sharp, painful slap to my face.

“You.” Maxwell said, his voice dripping with disgust. “A ‘Red Jenny’, Kitten? An  _ elf _ Red Jenny?”

I scrambled backwards on the ground, clutching my throbbing face. “I’m sorry.”

“And you couldn’t even follow a simple instruction.” He said in disgust. “Stay there. It’s not hard, you simply have to not do anything! You can’t get any simpler than that and still you mess up!”

“I’m sorry!” My back hit the wall and my stomach was churning in panic. 

He made a disgusted noise. “There must be more dwarf in you than human if you can’t even listen to something that easy. Get out of my room.”

“Yes, sir.” I barely managed to force it out before I was hauling myself to my feet and rushing for the door, frantic to escape.

Only to be wrenched to a halt by a painful hand twisted in my hair. “No. Running.” He said evenly as he dragged me back to the wall. “Do it right, for once.” 

“Y-yes, s-sir.” I forced out even as he shoved my head away. I felt like being sick, but I forced my magic back down. Controlling it. Head down I carefully walked to the door on shaking legs. I didn’t dare look back as I shut the door gently behind myself. 

My face was throbbing, it had probably bruised, and my eyes were probably red. I couldn’t go back to Cassandra’s room like this… no one could see me like this.

“Hide the hurt. Can not see, never happened. Worthless, nothing right. Old pain ripped open.” The soft whisper made me turn and there standing rigidly in the hallway… pale eyes, oversized hat and a dagger gripped in his hand tightly. 

What-? “Cole?”

His name was out of my mouth before I realized I had said it but he didn’t react, only started talking faster, his leather hand wraps creaking as his hand tightened around his dagger. “Stinging words first, painful touch. Role not his, stolen. Power drunk, false concern to hide the poison.” He shook his head angrily and started for the door. “I will kill him.”

What?! I moved before I could think the better of it and placed myself between the door and my hands went up to press against Cole’s chest. “No! No, you can’t. Cole if he dies then we are lost. We’re all lost.” I spoke quickly and frantically, fully aware that Cole could just poof around me. 

His pale eyes seemed to look right through me. “Red and dark. Worth the pain if others live.” He frowned and looked horribly sad. “You’re trying to help, but it isn’t his! Everything is bent wrong, ripping and rent and out of shape.”

“He has the mark. It’s the only thing that can fix the breach, Cole.” 

“You know me but don’t remember.” He sounded distant again. 

“It’s complicated.”

“Everyone says that.” His pale eyes suddenly focused on me and he smiled. “She doesn’t. Free and simple. I’ll get her. Wait outside.” 

The door opened suddenly and Maxwell looked out and I felt my heart fall to my stomach in panic. Why was I still here? He was- He glanced around and then closed the door as if he hadn’t seen me. 

“He didn’t. Wait outside.” 

Wait out-? And Cole was gone in a poof of smoke, which wasn’t really smoke. 

I was frozen for a second, but I couldn’t go back to Cassandra like this and I couldn’t stay here and… as… ‘spirity’ as Cole was, I trusted his good intentions. He did hide me from Maxwell, that was the only explanation for him not seeing me. I silently made my way down the stairs and froze again at the sight of The Iron Bull leaning against a wall with his arms folded over his chest and scowling at the floor. I held my breath, but he didn’t move, and I hoped that meant that whatever Cole had done was still lingering. I cautiously took a step, and he still didn’t move. Another step. Nothing. I slowly, my heart between my teeth, made it across the room and out the door. 

Now what?

I found a corner that seemed hiddenish and pressed myself into it to wait for Cole. I was shifting from foot to foot nervously when he reappeared with-

“Sera?”

“How do you know that? Wow. you’re short. Way shorter than me. You a dwarf?”

I shook my head and Cole did an odd ducking motion before sitting on the ground beside me and then holding up a vial. 

“For your face.” He said. “To hide the hurt.”

“Oh. Thank you.” I took it and drank it before turning to look at Sera, who was looking at me with her head tilted. 

“So. Nice hat.”

I reached up and touched it and tried to ignore the itching in my face, arms, and knee. “My friend gave it to me.”

“Duh. Who’re you?”

“Oh. I’m… just the cook.”

“Oh! The Cook!” Sera crossed her arms and leaned back with a smile. “Neat, yeah? Creepy here said you’d want to see me. Your Heraldy sent me off with some nasty words though.”

“I’m sorry.” I hugged myself. “I hoped he would…” I shook my head. “I was wrong. Too… far up there.”

She snorted. “Yeah, up his own butt like. But you help little people, yeah, friends and all?”

I nodded. “I try. Um. I’m not… I’m just a little person too, but I can probably give information to the spymaster for you and I can get one of my friends to write stuff down so I can send it to you if you want. Little stuff.” 

Sera pursed her lips for a second in thought as she looked me over and then nodded abruptly. “Right, you're a good one. You’re in. I’ll be in touch yeah?” And with that she turned and was gone.

That- In? In what? Trouble? 

“She’ll help,” Cole said quietly, but there was some sadness in his tone. “Not the same, but helping. Smaller. Not as bright, but still going to help. Changed and unchanged.”

“Can I hug you?” I impulsively asked.

He looked up at me and smiled. “I like hugs. Small things, but healing.” 

I crouched down and hugged him tightly. He was bony and cold but Cole and I was so happy he was here. “Thank you.” 

I felt him move me gently so that I was sitting in his lap and he was still hugging me, his chin resting on my head. “Sleep. I’ll watch and then put you back when it’s time.” 


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings for physical abuse, emotional abuse, threat of rape, threat of harm to children. Neither actually occur  
> I apologize in advance for this chapter *Grabs bucket and mop*

I woke up to sunlight in my eyes streaming through the window. I was sleeping in the window seat again. Cole had put me back. I wasn’t sure if he was around but I whispered a quiet ‘thank you’ just in case.

“What was that?” Cassandra asked, and I jumped and barely avoided falling from the seat.

“Oh. Good morning.” I righted myself and glanced at Cassandra nervously. She was shoving her things into her bag and- oh. Right. We were supposed to head back today. I hurried to scrub my face in the wash basin and gather up my own things. I could not wait to get back to Haven. 

Breakfast was rushed, barely palatable biscuits and a seedy preserves. I missed my kitchen.

I had to run to keep up with Cassandra as she walked towards the stables. Her height and apparent eagerness to be out of Val Royeaux meant I was once again taking three steps to one. Being short sucked. How did Varric deal with this? Right he complained the whole time and annoyed Cassandra instead.

I saw Vivienne, The Iron Bull, and Cole clustered near the stables, talking earnestly and quietly together. What was he-? Cole said something and disappeared.

I blinked and almost tripped, then hurried to catch back up with Cassandra as we made our way to the stables.

I saw Vivienne and The Iron Bull checking over their horses as we approached. Maxwell must have already gone to the party then and recruited her. Of course he recruited her. She looked over me and I dropped my eyes and hoped she didn’t decide I was important enough to notice. A giant hand appeared in front of me and I flinched back, almost dropping my pack when I tried to cover my head with one arm. 

There was a pause and then I felt my pack being pulled from me as The Iron Bull grunted. “Just tying your pack on, Kitten.” 

“I’m sorry. Thank you, sir.” I backed up and tried to calm my breathing down. 

I heard a small disapproving hum from Vivienne, but she didn't say anything. I chanced a glance to see her already turned back to tend to her things. Good, I was not important enough in her eyes, that was a relief. I don’t know if I could handle Vivienne right now. I wonder where Cole is? Did he leave last night after I fell asleep? Probably. He seemed to really dislike Maxwell. (who wouldn’t?) Which… oh no… if Cole hated Maxwell enough to want to kill him… would he help if Maxwell went to the Templars?

The answer to that question was a resounding. No. No he would not. Crap. He was a templar, he would want to go with the templars, and if he went with the templars he would die. The mark will be lost and Envy will destroy the inquisition. 

We were apparently getting a late start and the streets were crowded enough that we had to walk and lead the horses through the streets. Which meant I was left awkwardly half jogging beside The Iron Bull because he had my horse and Maxwell didn’t even consider slowing down just for me. 

“Excuse me, are you-” a familiar Orlesian accent had me looking up.

“Out of the way.” Maxwell snapped and shoved Grand Enchantress Fiona aside.

“Wait!” I called out before I could think better. “That’s the leader of the free mages. You need to talk to her!”

Everyone stilled and I felt my stomach knot as Maxwell fixed me with a furious glare. “Is that so, Kitten?”

I tried not to start crying in panic as I nodded. He had to go to the mages or he would die and then everyone would die. “Yes, sir. She… you need to-” 

Maxwell’s eyes narrowed and suddenly I felt a heavy hand drop onto the back of my neck and felt a slight warning shake from The Iron Bull, cutting me off. I swallowed and looked down and tried not to scream in frustration and terror. 

“Fiona, darling.” Vivienne spoke suddenly, completely unaware of my plight, not that she’d care. But at least they were speaking, Fiona could offer the invitation. “What an unexpected surprise to see you here.”

“Madame Vivienne.” There was a blur of words that I had trouble focusing on past the weight of The Iron Bull’s hand on the back of my neck. He wasn’t… hurting me but the threat was there and it felt… possessive. His thumb was stroking lightly on the side of my neck and I closed my eyes and tried not to cry.

I startled when his hand lifted suddenly and flinched away. Maxwell was watching me with a calculating expression and Cassandra looked irritated. Vivienne wasn’t looking at me. The Iron Bull started moving when the others did and I focused on putting one foot in front of the other instead of the lingering sensation of heat and weight on the back of my neck. I vaguely gathered that Vivienne had accepted the invitation from her smug chatter in Maxwell’s direction about how this could be an excellent step towards ending the Templar Mage war. 

I stayed silent until we were out of the worst of the crowd, and then the only reason I made a sound was because the Iron Bull’s hands went to my waist and I couldn’t help a frightened squeak before he was lifting me onto my horse. That was the last sound I made as we rode. I could practically  _ feel _ how upset Maxwell was with me and I was dreading what he was going to do. At least there were no chairs. 

It was getting close to evening and my legs and back hurt horribly when Maxwell dropped back and spoke in a casual, friendly tone to The Iron Bull. “Give me the reins for a few minutes. I want to talk to her for a bit.” 

I felt my stomach flip and sink as The Iron Bull handed the reins to my horse over and silently urged his mount forward. Maxwell, in turn, slowed down until we were far enough back that we would have to shout to be heard.

“Kitten.”

“I’m sorry for speaking up.” I said hastily. “I’m sorry for embarrassing you.”

There was a long silence and I felt myself begin to sweat nervously. “That’s how many times in less than two days, Kitten? Running off, not following instructions, speaking out… One would think you were purposefully misbehaving.” 

“I’m not! I’m so-”

“Stop. Talking.” He said sharply. He sighed. “Is it really so hard? I don’t give you difficult instructions and you  _ still _ mess up. I think you need to learn your lesson.”

I gripped the thing on the front of the saddle to keep from falling over and bit my tongue hard enough to hurt when he leaned over and grabbed a fist full of my hair and pulled my head back to a painful angle. “I think I need to let The Iron Bull have you for a night in order to remind you of what I am trying to protect you from.”

I felt the bile rise up in my throat as my stomach knotted in absolute terror. And I started speaking frantically. “I’m sorry! You don’t have-”

He jerked at my hair. “And there you go again. Talking.”

I was helpless and my stomach was turning in fear and… Oh god, he would- Couldn’t actually-

“I want you to go to his tent tonight after you finish cooking.” He said, still holding my head back but speaking in an even, smooth tone. 

No. Nononono I couldn’t- he couldn’t make me. I tried to shake my head but he just tightened his grip. “You have that little elf brat.”

Meraad. He- but Solas had her. “No!”

His fist in my hair shook and I felt some being pulled out “You just don’t learn, Kitten. This is the only way I’m going to get through to you to help you.” He hissed in my ear and then shoved my head away. I nearly fell off. I had to wrap my arms around the horse's neck to keep myself from tumbling to the ground. “You’re going to go to his tent tonight, and you’re going to listen to him, and if you manage to learn your lesson, then good. If not… well, no one is going to miss another elf brat. I’d practically be doing the world a favor, putting it out of its misery.” 

I felt my magic start to rise up and just as suddenly pain lanced through my head and chest and I gasped out panicked sobs as I curled over the horse’s neck and tried not to pass out. I was empty, and small, and helpless, he had smited me again and he was threatening Meraad. 

“Well, Kitten?” He asked. “Are you going to be a good girl and do what you need to?”

I was helpless and Oh god he could hurt Meraad and… what could I do but- I swallowed down the bile in my throat. “Yes, sir.” The words were like ash on my tongue and it was all I could do to keep myself on the horse through the sobs that tore through my aching chest. 

“Oh, don’t act like that… it's not like it’s any worse than an elf.” He paused then laughed. “Well, maybe it is. Pull yourself together, Kitten. Learn.” 

I was going to puke. I did puke. 

Maxwell made a disgusted noise and dropped the reins to my horse. “Pull yourself together before he comes back to get you.” He said, then rode off to catch up with the distant group. 

To get me… oh god. I tried… tried to wipe my eyes and mouth with shaking hands and… oh god… I couldn’t…

I was shaking when the Iron Bull rode back, he didn’t say anything, just made a grunt/growling sound that made me flinch and picked up the reins. I had to fight tears again because… oh god. 

I was sore, aching, terrified, and trying very hard not to cry as we continued. The Iron Bull never looked at me though, just led my horse in silence and… oh god. He was three times my size and he… I felt panic in my chest at recalling his… tastes. What if… nothing had been like the game… nothing had… and what if he  _ liked  _ causing pain and he… oh god. I had given myself to him for Solas and now Maxwell was… I wouldn’t get a safeword. 

My mind tortured me with images and thoughts of what he’d do to me when I suddenly felt large hands at my waist. I couldn’t help a sob as I was pulled off of the horse and then the back of a scarred finger brushed my cheek. “Easy there, Kitten.” The Iron Bull said quietly. “We’re stopping for camp. You wanna cook?”

I did want to cook. For something to distract, delay. If I could just… forget for a minute. “Yes, sir.” The words came out as hollow as I felt and in a voice that didn’t sound like mine.

He grunt/growled again and handed me the sack of food. “Those potatoes with onions and meat sound good.”

I- I could do that… maybe... maybe he would be gentler if I did. I shuddered at the thought and took the sack. “Yes, sir.”

I felt hollow. Vivienne, Maxwell, and Cassandra spoke together as the camp was made and I worked at getting a fire started and started cutting potatoes and peeling onions. 

I heard Maxwell laugh and my gut twisted in nausea when Cassandra laughed as well, if I had anything left on my stomach I would have lost it. He was trying to romance her and she… she was getting drawn into his trap, she couldn’t see what a snake he was… he.. he- I had to swipe at my eyes and it had nothing to do with the onions.

I almost cut myself while trying to peel the potatoes and had to bite my tongue to cut off my cry of alarm when The Iron Bull crouched beside me and took the knife from my hands and started peeling. I looked up and saw Maxwell cast me a sickeningly amused look before returning to his conversation with Cassandra and I heard the words ‘skittish’. Vivienne was looking at me intently and I dropped my eyes quickly, I didn't… didn’t want her notice too. I was already in trouble. 

I didn’t dare ask for my knife back, so I worked on getting the pan heated properly and then adding the ingredients. I stared at the pan for a helpless moment before I heard Cole murmur. “He likes spicy things.” 

Spice. I robotically stood and went to my pack and retrieved some of the pepper flakes I had bought. I started seasoning the meat and… I couldn’t remember why, but I made it extra spicy. The Iron Bull liked spicy things. I wasn't sure how I knew that. I browned the meat and potatoes together before adding the onions. 

Then it was done… and I couldn’t… hide behind a cooking pan. I numbly plated the food and handed it out, eyes down. They ate and I… couldn't stomach a bite, the smell of it making my stomach clench painfully at the thought of food that I would only lose as soon as I got it down.

I tried to busy myself, I gathered and washed the dishes, cleaned the pans, even tried to gather firewood but… the Iron Bull already gathered plenty and I was left staring blankly at the fire trying to pretend I was anywhere but there.

Vivienne retired to her tent and I saw Maxwell get up and give me a warning look. I closed my eyes and breathed and tried to ignore the aching emptiness in my chest. I couldn’t… couldn’t let him hurt Meraad. I stood up and stiffly walked to The Iron Bull’s tent and slid inside. Slow. Proper. Until the flap dropped behind me and I collapsed to my knees and pressed my hands over my mouth hard enough to hurt to keep from crying.

“What is she doing?” Cassandra sounded puzzled.

“What do you think? A woman like that?” Maxwell sounded amused.

“But… she and Solas…” Cassandra sounded bewildered and… it hurt. 

“Ah. You know how some people are. They just don’t understand true love.” His tone was enough to make me press my hands harder over my mouth to keep from screaming. “Try not to break her, big guy. The Ambassador would never forgive me.” 

The Iron Bull’s growling grunt made me whimper despite my hands over my mouth and I squeezed my eyes shut tightly. It was too soon when I heard him come into the tent, his presence taking up all of the room even with my eyes shut.

After a long, torturous moment he spoke quietly. “Why are you in here?”

Why did they all want to make me say it? Over and over again. I pried my hand from my mouth and forced my voice out of my throat. “I messed up.”

“Somehow I don’t think you mean you walked into the wrong tent by accident.” I heard him shift and then the sound of metal clinking and oh god- 

My eyes flew open and I looked at him in panic, but he was just unbuckling his leg brace.

“Why’re you in here?” He wasn’t looking at me and it made it a little easier to talk. 

“I… messed up and… Max- The Herald said…” I had to draw in a few shuddering breaths as The Iron Bull’s hands stilled. “That you w-wanted me b-but if I was good he-”

There was a terrifying rumbling sound coming from his chest and I fell silent. His teeth bared in a snarl and then he looked at me, still speaking softly. “Say it plain, Kitten.” 

“If I’m not worth protecting he’ll give me to you.” I blurted out and then started sobbing because I just wanted to go back to my kitchen. 

“And tonight?”

It took me several tries to get the words out clearly enough to be understood. Everything was numb and hurting both. “A lesson.” 

He swore softly and I looked up at him with a faint shred of hope that maybe… maybe Maxwell was wrong and The Iron Bull wasn’t like that… maybe he was horrified by the thought- maybe…

His eye was screwed shut and he looked as if he was in pain. He stayed like that for a long moment before he grunted and rubbed at his bad knee. “Of course the one night it hurts too much to do anything fun.” 

My heart dropped as that tiny shred of hope was ripped away. 

I couldn’t help the cry of alarm that escaped me when he suddenly reached out and grabbed my upper arm.

“Quiet.” He said, louder than he had been.

I nodded mutely and clapped my hand back over my mouth and clenched my eyes shut as he pulled me to him. I still whimpered when he shoved me down to the bedroll and moved so he was laying beside me. He let out a gruff sound and started rearranging me and I was sobbing openly and he growled another command to be quiet and I tried, I really did, but I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to be here. After what felt like forever of him touching my arms and waist and hips and moving me, he let out a loud, satisfied groaning sort of sigh and then we were laying down, my back pressed to his chest and his massive arm trapping me in place.

“That’s good, Kitten.” He said, and then quieter. “Sleep.” 

Sleep… sleep. How could I sleep? My heart was still pounding in terror from the way he had moved me around as easily as he would a doll. His chest was pressed against my back and I could feel the steady, heavy thud of his heart pressed against my shoulder and after a few breaths, his chest started rumbling in a steady, rough rhythm. Like a lion purring. 

Despite the terror of my position, once my mind made the connection between the sound he was making and purring, it didn’t let it go. I was the warmest I had been since the Fade with Solas. It was warm, and if I closed my eyes and pretended very hard, I was just tucked beside a purring lion. 

I entered the Fade but it was grainy and unsure and I was alone in a raw, empty field of dead grass. I sank to the ground and just… cried. Because what if The Iron Bull felt better when he woke up? And so, I cried, because there was nothing else I could do. 

I woke up to a large hand over my mouth, muffling my scream at the realization that he was awake and with me and- his leg was thrown over one of mine and- Oh god! I tried to push against his chest to get away to… 

“Easy, Kitten.” The Iron Bull rumbled right by my ear and his arm tightened around me in warning. I nodded. He grunted and shifted off of me and I tried my best to hold still, to make things easier to-

“Up.” He ordered quietly and I scrambled to sit up, hoping to feel less vulnerable that way. 

It didn’t help much. I shuddered as he grabbed my arms and pulled me so I was sitting between his legs and then… I felt his head press against the back of my head and his breath was on my neck. “Hold still.”

I was shaking as his hand rested on the back of my neck like it had in Val Royeaux, but this time, his grip tightened until a cry of pain escaped me. He held it for a second before letting me go and growling. I leaned forward in a useless gesture to get further away from him but his other hand was still on my upper arm and I couldn’t go far. His mouth pressed against the throbbing nape of my neck in a possessive gesture, and then he was moving away slightly, twisting and reaching for something.

I flinched when I felt him return and gather up my hair in one hand, then froze when I felt the familiar tug of a brush. He… was brushing my hair? Why?

I kept my mouth shut and held still through my shaking and tried not to cry any more than I could help. Quiet. Listen. Think. He braided my hair gently and then twisted it up and pinned it in place and why did he have hair things? When he was finished he pressed his mouth against the back of my neck again and stayed there for a long moment before he moved away.

I was frozen for a long, terrifying moment but he just started pulling his leg brace back on. My heart was pounding in my throat and I glanced at the tent flap. There was dim light coming in under it. Maybe… maybe I could… I could get out of here. Rip the pins from my hair… just… erase all memory of this…I just-

“S-sir?” I tentatively spoke up.

His lip lifted in a snarl but he just grunted. “Yeah?”

“M-may I go? Are… you done?” 

He was quiet for a moment before answering. “Yeah.”

I started for the tent flap, desperate to get away but his voice stopped me. “Rae.”

“Yes, sir?” So close…

“Keep your hair up. I want him to see.” 

I felt a rush of horror as I realized what he meant. My neck was aching from his hand… it would bruise. Badly. And all of them would see it. It was a sign, possessive. He had marked me and he wanted everyone to know it. 

I swallowed my nausea. “Yes, sir.” 

I heard him growl again as I left the tent and I tripped in my haste to go… nowhere. There was nowhere to go. I scrubbed at the tears on my face and moved to the fire to start cooking. Anything. Something.

“How could you?” Cassandra’s voice made me freeze. She sounded disgusted. I glanced up at her but she just gave me an absolutely loathing look before turning on her heel and marching away. 

Maxwell was still there and he gave me an absolutely satisfied expression as his eyes lingered on the back of my neck. “Good girl.” He said softly and I had to force my magic back down inside me before he had to silence me again. His eye narrowed before he reached into a pocket as he came over, then held something out between his thumb and forefinger. It was a small vial of something. “Take it.”

I took it and tried not to think about whatever was in it as I drank it, I did my best not to gag on the tar like consistency, then gave the empty vial back to him. He made a satisfied sound and then I heard his footsteps retreat in the same direction Cassandra had gone. 

It only took me a moment to realize what it was. I felt like someone had shoved a spike of ice through me, followed by a sickly burning sensation that felt almost as bad as the time my appendix had burst. I wanted to be sick but I couldn’t. I just had to breathe through my dry heaves until my stomach settled enough for me to breathe. I felt like someone had wrapped my head in cotton and my magic was gone. Again. I felt hot but cold… like I had a fever. 

I cooked… something. I don’t really know what. I didn’t eat anything. I just cooked and served and tried not to flinch at Cassandra’s disgusted sounds whenever she looked at me or at the way The Iron Bull would lightly run his fingers over my shoulder whenever I moved too close to him. I started when Vivienne spoke and struggled to focus on her.

“You, girl.” She said. “Come attend me.” 

“Yes, ma’am.” What did that mean?

“Ah, Madame, I do not think a cook is qualified to be an attendant.” Maxwell spoke and I wanted to vomit, because the tone he said ‘cook’ in was as if he were speaking of something particularly disgusting. 

“Do you see anyone else?” She said condescendingly. “I’d rather not descend into  _ complete _ barbarism. A cook is better than nothing. Come, girl.”

“Yes, ma’am.” I murmured and stood to my feet, still limping slightly from where my leg had been trapped under The Iron Bull and had fallen asleep. I picked up the bag she pointed at and kept my eyes down as she led me away and into a wooded area and eventually to a stream. 

I felt a tingle on the back of my tongue as she laid down some magic in a large circle around us and then approached me. I tried not to flinch as her hand gently rested against the side of my face.

“Oh, darling.” She said softly, startling me by the pure sincerity of it. “Come. Let’s get cleaned up. It will help.” She reached for my hair and I pulled away in shocked panic.

“I can’t- He said I have to keep it up.” And then I shut my mouth and squeezed my eyes shut because even after all of that I still couldn’t keep quiet.

“Ah. Thank you for telling me, dear. We’ll leave your hair be then, but the rest can be washed, yes?” 

“Yes, ma’am.” The words were automatic but my mind was reeling and flailing. Why was she being so… not Vivienne? She was being… soft and kind and I didn’t know what to do. 

I hesitated, but she just turned and started undressing. It… was easier with her back to me. I was getting a little used to the weird ‘if you’re bathing nakedness doesn’t matter’ mindset of Thedasians. I still felt awkward, but something about the culture meant that nudity was fine if bathing was involved. She gave me a bar of delicately scented soap and we washed silently in the stream next to each other.

“Sit here, dear.” She said and I obeyed, sitting quickly on a smoothish rock she pointed at. She knelt in front of me and hovered her hands over the bruises on my knees and I felt the itch of healing magic. Unlike Solas’ healing spells, hers were carefully controlled and small as she moved over me and healed every bruise that was hidden by my clothes. The one on my neck and two around my wrists that I hadn’t noticed, those she left.

We dressed and I wore my teal shirt Varric had given me, because I just wanted something… something familiar and to remind me that I had friends and I… I wasn’t alone. We finished and then Vivienne turned and put one hand on my shoulder and the other cupped my cheek as she looked down at me. “Sometimes, darling… the masks we must wear are painful. You are naturally without one, it makes you vulnerable to men such as that. We must all wear our masks, and I hope one day you will forgive us for them.” 

Her thumb swiped across my cheek in an oddly soft gesture, and then she stepped back in with a slow inhale and a blink, something about her shifted and then she gave me a dismissive hand flick. “You did well enough. Come, girl.” 

I wished I could do that. Just… shut it all away. Put on a mask, be someone else, but as Vivienne had said. I was without a mask. I couldn’t lie, couldn’t act. 

I gathered up our things and followed her back to camp. It was broken down and packed up and Maxwell was leaning impatiently against a tree. He looked up and put on a sickeningly charming smile for Vivienne. 

“She did well enough.” Vivienne said in the same tone. “I could work with it.” She paused and glanced around with the slightest of sneers. “Where’s the brute?”

“Here, ma’am.” The Iron Bull said.

Which. What…? Nope. Not thinking about it.

“Next time, be a little gentler? Not everyone has skin like yours.” She said sweetly and I felt my face flush and then pale in shame and horror.

“Yes, ma’am.” The Iron Bull said meekly and I wished…

Well. If wishes were fishes. I went to put my things near my horse and waited to gather up my courage to ask for help tying them on when I saw a blur of movement out of the corner of my eye and I looked just in time to see Cole as he wrapped his arms around me in a hug. I sank into the hug and burst into sobs. They caught in my chest and I tried to stop them but Cole just whispered gently. “He can’t see you right now.” 

So I cried, and hugged the spirit boy until I was spent. I finally let him go, feeling numb but better, and he pressed a kiss to my temple like Solas had before I left and then picked up my pack and tied it onto the horse for me, then flitted away. 

It was like a bubble popped and I was suddenly aware of the others.

“-really necessary?” Maxwell was saying in disgusted amusement.

“Sometimes, bas. Just gotta let the aggression out, you know.” The Iron Bull snarled.

I flinched and peered around the horse to see a tree with splintered bark and cracks in the trunk, and Vivienne tsking irritably as she healed The Iron Bull’s hands. Too bad that hadn’t been Maxwell’s face… No! Don’t think like that! He has the mark. He’s needed. 

“Yes, well… next time perhaps use a stick. You’ve made a proper mess of your hands.” Vivienne scolded.

He just grunted, then shook his hands out when she was done. “Thanks, ma’am.” He said in the same meek tone he addressed her with before, then started stalking towards me. I shrank back against the horse but I really couldn’t do anything. He picked me up by the waist and set me on the horse and I let out a shaky breath and held very still when he lifted his hand and ran a finger down the back of my neck. He murmured something in Qunlat and then turned to get on his own horse. I silently handed him the reins to mine. 

We rode and… I felt numb. I was numb when The Iron Bull handed me my lunch ration. I think I ate it. I was numb when he kept reaching over and touching the back of my neck. I was numb when Cassandra made a disgusted noise every time she looked at me. I was numb when we stopped for the night and I cooked… something spicy… I don’t know why I did. I couldn’t eat it. The Iron Bull gave me another of the lunch… things and ordered me to eat it. I did. 

Vivienne ordered me to share a tent with her in the absence of a hand maid. I did.

I was numb until she pulled the pins from my hair and combed out the braids. She handed the pins to me and I stared at them in my hands. Dawnstone with little pink stones set in the top. His favorite color. Another claim. I can’t remember what I did with them, only that I was crying and Cole was hugging me again. 

“Hush, dear. It will be alright.” Vivienne said gently. She was petting my hair while Cole held me.

“I think I’m having an absurd dream.” I said hoarsely.

“Yes. well. You’re not the only one.” She said softly. “Try to get some rest, darling kitten. We’ll be back at Haven soon and I’ll be doing my best to distract that rat dressed in a man’s skin. That apostate of yours had better figure out a solution quickly.” 

Wait, what? How did she-?

“Not yet.” Cole whispered.

What had I been doing? 

“You need to rest, my dear. It’s a long trip ahead of us.” Vivienne said.

“Yes, ma’am.” I said automatically and laid down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> C_L: *whimpers in horror and guilt* my babies!  
> A&F: So… you remember how you had to beg, plead, cajole, and even bribe me to help you with this?  
> C_L: Yes….  
> A&F: You’re welcome.   
> C_L; I hate you.   
> A&F: *rubs hands together gleefully* I know!


	15. Chapter 15

The trip passed in a sick blur. Maxwell made me take the magebane every morning when Cassandra wasn't looking. The Iron Bull wasn’t given another… chance at me, but he rode next to me and it felt like everytime Maxwell glanced back at us he had his hand on my shoulder or neck. I cooked. I kept my mouth shut. I cried in the tent with Cole and Vivienne every night. 

I was so tired.

Tired, but… I felt a nauseous twist of hopeful relief when we neared Haven. 

Solas was there by the gate with Meraad on his hip and Varric beside him. The Iron Bull made a growling sound in his chest but just stopped our horses by the stables and lifted me down with a muttered. “Go on.” 

I didn’t stop to wait for anyone to say different, I just took off running and almost collapsed against Solas in a shuddering hug. He hugged me back tightly. “Rae?” His voice was questioning and tight. 

I heard heavy footsteps behind me and tensed, but Meraad shrieked in delight and wiggled down and I heard the Iron Bulls’ delighted, “There you are, Imakiri! Have you been good? I missed you.”

I felt my fingers twist in Solas’ shirt as I realized that The Iron Bull had Meraad and- I turned and lunged and pulled Meraad out of his arms and clutched her to my chest before running as fast as I could, panic and fear searing at my chest. 

My blind steps took me to Solas’ cabin and I curled up in the corner behind his desk and held Meraad to me tightly and sobbed into her hair. Her tiny arms wrapped around my neck and I heard tiny shushing noises and it just made me cry harder because-

Loud voices outside made my breath freeze in my chest and I shrank back against the wall, pressing Meraad’s head to my shoulder as I stared in the direction of the door. It was Cassandra, loud and angry.

“-thought you would want to know what she did! It was-”

“Seeker Cassandra.” Solas said sharply. “Thank you for your concern, but this is none of your concern.” 

“I was only-”

“Good day.” He practically spat and then I heard the door to the cabin open. I couldn’t shrink back any further into the wall. The door shut.

“Rae?” Solas asked softly. After a moment he appeared around the edge of the desk and then crouched down so he wasn’t looming. “What happened?” 

I shook my head and pressed my face to the top of Meraad’s head. She was so tiny. And The Iron Bull had had her.

There was a pause and then he spoke softly. “Would you be willing for Varric to watch her while I make sure you are well?” 

Varric. Varric was… he was good. He wouldn’t… “If… he can’t- can’t let anyone else- no one else. No one.” 

Solas was very still before he nodded. “Varric and only Varric. I will make sure he understands.” 

It was still a minute before he managed to pull Meraad from my arms and take her to the door. I heard him speak firmly to Varric, telling him not to let anyone else near her. When Solas returned, he dumped something soft and heavy into my lap. I blinked in shock even as I buried my fingers into the thick, fluffy fur of a giant cat. It purred at me and looked up at me with large sage green eyes.

“You… you got me a cat.” I whispered.

“I did.” He said softly.

“You shouldn’t have. He’ll try to hurt her too.” I started crying again even as I pulled the cat to my chest and pressed my face into its fur, it purred, calming, soothing. 

“Lethallan… what happened?” Solas’ voice was soft as he moved close enough our legs were touching. 

“I messed up too much.” My voice was strangled and small. “He… He made me… if I didn’t he said he’d hurt her. He made me go and The Iron Bull…” I was crying too hard to finish. 

“He threatened to hurt the tide and hope if she didn’t give herself to The Iron Bull to be hurt.” Cole said as he appeared and pressed his arm against mine. 

There was a long silence and when Solas spoke his voice was tight. “What did the Iron Bull do?”

“Nothing.” I felt my shoulders slump in defeat. I was freaking out over nothing… “His knee hurt. He just… m-marked my neck and made me… made me show it.” 

Solas made an odd hissing noise and then abruptly stood and I flinched back. He stepped away and left and I braced myself for a slamming door, but instead I heard quiet footsteps and the bed creak as if someone had sat on it. Solas had left. Was he mad at me? Disgusted? I hadn’t… fought. 

“He’s not mad at you. He’s mad for you.” Cole said. “He thinks you were brave but that you shouldn’t have had to be.” 

“I’m not brave. I’m small. And weak. And I always mess up. I can’t do the simplest things right.”

“That’s not true.” Varric said and I gasped at the sound. I hadn’t realized he was in here. 

“Meraad?” I was suddenly terrified she was here, no child should be burdened with this.

“Chuckles put her to sleep.” Varric reassured me quietly. “She’s sound asleep here on her bed. I have Bianca with me, no one you don’t want is getting through that door.” There was a pause and then, “Speaking of. That kid alright with you?”

I nodded, then realized he couldn’t see me. “Yes. He’s a sweetheart.” 

“Sweetheart, cinnamon bun, coleritto.” I heard the laugh in Cole’s voice. “She feels safe loving me because Maxwell can’t hurt me.” 

That… was too true. 

“What?” Varric’s voice was suddenly very low and very hard. 

“Jumpy, skittish, hiding bruises and flinches. Not Chuckles. Someone. Sirs and ma’ams falling with her eyes. Kitten, a name twisted and darkened, poisoned. Good girl, little kitten. Do as you’re told.” Cole rambled. “It’s hard to ask for help against someone who has to live to save the world.”

“Cole-“ I started in sudden panic but his hand found mine and squeezed.

“It’s alright, it’s safe. He doesn’t know how it should have been but he knows how it shouldn’t be.” He paused, then produced a pair of scissors. “Enigmatic again.  I can cut it for you.” He pointed at my hair.

I hadn’t realized how badly I wanted it gone until he mentioned it. If it was short, Maxwell couldn’t grab it. If it was short, The Iron Bull couldn’t put his pins in it. If it was short, I couldn’t be hurt with it. “Please.” I shifted so he could fit behind me and let out a shaky, relieved breath when I heard the scissors ‘shnick’. Each lock cut felt like a leash being unravelled. 

There was a quiet shuffling and then Varric slowly and awkwardly scooted into my line of view. He looked over me and frowned. “You look sick.”

“He gave her magebane every morning.” Cole said as he tilted my head gently to reach the sides. “He was afraid she’d kill him for threatening her little one. He’s too selfish to realize she wouldn’t because he’s a tool.” 

Varric pinched the bridge of his nose and then rubbed his eyes as he cursed softly. “This… this is why you wouldn’t tell me. Because he has that magic mark in his hand.”

“I don’t want you to get in trouble.” I said quietly and rubbed the cat’s ears.

Cole suddenly cocked his head. “I need to go help.” He brushed the hair off of my shoulders.

He disappeared and Varric blinked at the space he had just been. “Um.”

“He’s a spirit of compassion. Don’t… don’t be scared of him.” I reached up and ran a hand over my head, it was short enough that you couldn’t get a hold on it, but there was still some there… I hated it. But I hated Maxwell grabbing it more.

“Right.” He paused and then blinked and refocused on me with a frown. “So The Herald… threatened to kill a kid if you didn’t let a merc rape you?”

I flinched and buried my face into the cat’s fur. That… about summed it up. “I messed up.” 

“I don’t care if you set fire to the Winter Palace, you didn’t deserve that.” He said firmly then cursed again. “Come on. Pack up. I’m getting you and the kid out of here. I have friends that can-”

“He has a phylactery.” I whispered.

“What?” His voice took on that dark edge again.

“He… he made a phylactery for me. I can’t… I can’t run.” 

Varric was quiet for a moment before he cursed softly and eased himself to sit on the ground next to me. “Kitten, you should’ve told me.”

“And then what?” I whispered. “Cassandra is looking for the slightest reason to lock you up. I’m a suspicious servant girl that fell out of a rift right after the conclave. Making me disappear would have come back on you, even if you could. You can’t do anything about him. He has the anchor.” 

Varric sighed and I felt his arm go around my shoulder and gently pull me to lean against him. “Do you ever just think of yourself, Kitten?” 

That sounded rhetorical, so I didn’t answer. Instead I just focused on breathing and the ball of vibrating fluff in my lap. He shouldn’t have gotten me a cat. It was sweet but… my chest ached at the thought of what Maxwell would do if he ever… cats weren’t kids… he could do whatever he wanted and no one would bat an eye. 

I don’t know how long we stayed like that, only that at some point Cole came back. “They want to talk to you.” He said and I froze. They? Then his hand was on my shoulder. “Not you. Varric. He’s a good guy, pretends but heart golden. I’ll stay.”

“Oh… okay.” They? Nevermind. Quiet. Head down. I petted the cat’s fur and it pushed its nose up against my face and blinked softly. ‘I love you’ in cat. Varric left and Cole slid into his place for me to lean on. 

“He’s going to hurt her.”

“No. Like me. He can’t see her.” 

Oh. “Thank you.” 

My eyes were heavy. The tears. The sleepless nights, the mage bane, the fear. It all added up to exhaustion… and I was here, not home but safe, never hurt here. I was safe and Cole had me and the cat was heavy in my lap… I fell asleep.

The fade was as grainy and uncertain as it had been since Maxwell started giving me the magebane, but… it was Solas’ cabin, and the cat was there. Laying on my chest, it was warm, and quiet, and the book resting on my bed was written in english letters. “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I had parts of it memorized. 

I woke up when the light was dim outside. Solas wasn’t back, but Cole was playing on the floor with a bit of string with the cat and Meraad. Meraad was giggling because the cat’s tail kept flicking out and tickling her face. I found myself smiling at the picture it made and then reminded myself that the cat didn’t have a name but a big part of me was afraid to even attempt to give it a name. If she had a name then I’d get attached and then-

“He won’t.” Cole turned his head and smiled at me. “Good morning.”

Morning? Had I slept all the way till morning? I needed to get back to work. I sat up and then had to steady myself at the sudden vertigo. Cole stood and picked up Meraad, settling her easily on his hip. “Solas said you needed sleep.” 

“I did.” I smiled and when I was sure I could stand without falling over on my face I held my hands out to Meraad, who came to me with a grin and I hugged her and kissed her cheek. “Sorry about yesterday sweetheart.” 

"She thought the shiny men were coming. You have to be quiet when they do. Quiet. Small. Still. Don't say a word no matter what you see, da'len." Cole said quietly and I suddenly felt tears prick at my eyes because… she had been shushing me… “Her mother.” Cole confirmed. 

“Oh, sweetheart.” I held her closer and… god, I hated Thedas. Children shouldn’t have to worry about being dragged away or their parents being ripped from them. 

“She’s safe.” Cole whispered and took her from me with a small smile. “You need to eat. You’ve lost weight, it scares them.” 

Oh… I looked down at myself and.. yeah my clothes fit looser. Funny… all those years wishing I could lose a few pounds… now I just felt numb and wrong. Cole led me over to the desk where oatmeal with honey and berries was waiting for me, but I ended up giving most of the berries to Meraad who climbed into my lap while I ate.

I was able to eat most of it but I was still feeling a little nauseous, Cole said that was because of the magebane, it took away my appetite. I then kissed Meraad goodbye and pulled on my boots. Cole promised he’d watch her for me and I knew he’d kill anyone who tried to hurt her. “Thank you.”

I opened the door and took a few steps and the cat darted out, I barely caught her and deposited her back into the cabin with a whispered apology but I wasn’t going to chance Maxwell seeing her. I found myself actually enjoying the walk to Flissa's. I was back and this was familiar. 

I knocked and hurried into the tavern and Flissa immediately grabbed me in a hug. Which. What? “Oh, Rae. I’m so glad you’re back. Sweet Maker, girl. You look terrible! What happened?”

“I… got sick.” I was feeling a little dazed and that wasn’t quite a lie right? “I’m getting better.” I yelped and about jumped out of my skin when the cat rubbed against my legs and I frowned down at it. "I left you in the cabin."

Flissa huffed. "Ah leave her, as long as she doesn’t get on the tables. I think there's a mouse in the pantry."

I was still worried about Maxwell but… maybe he wouldn’t realize she was mine? Maybe he’d think she was Flissa’s? 

Then I was wrapped up in Lionel's arms in greeting and I huffed and hugged him back. “Hey, missed you!”

“Missed you too, Rae.” He sighed and let me go then pulled back and frowned. “You’ve lost weight. Are you alright? Did something happen? Where’d your hair go?”

I swallowed and shook my head. “Nothing worth mentioning.” I tried and by the look he gave me I knew he didn’t buy it. Redirect. “So, what do y’all want for breakfast? Oatmeal?” 

Flissa seemed to sense my need to work and saved me by requesting biscuits, she had apparently gotten a batch of preserves on her newest shipment. Biscuits were easy to do, and before I knew it we were all sitting around the table eating biscuits and some kind of berry preserves… well, not all of us. I frowned, “Where’s Brea?”

Lionel frowned and shook his head. “I haven't seen him since last night. He said he was meeting friends… a girl would be my guess.” He huffed. 

“Oh, I hope not.” I groaned. He was too young to be getting into girl trouble. Flissa shifted in her seat and looked like she was about to say something when the door opened. 

”Hey, Rae!” Varric called as he stomped snow off his feet and lifted up a basket for me to see. “Special delivery.”

“Varric.” I smiled, getting up and crossed over to take the basket also to press a quick kiss to his check. I really was starting to feel better. More… awake. 

“Well, I should try and make deliveries more often.” Varric chuckled and I rolled my eyes.

“That was a thank you for yesterday.” I said as I looked into the basket. Eggs, flour, milk, honey sugar and butter. “Pancakes, perfect.” 

“It’s good to see you doing better but…” I looked up to find him looking at me with a frown. “You’ve lost some ‘squish’.”

I refocused on the ingredients. “I was sick. Cole made me eat. I’ll get it back.” I knew I had no chance of fooling Varric, plus he already knew but… I really really didn’t want Lionel to know what happened. 

“So. Is it true you shot the big one?” Lionel asked curiously.

My head flew up and I stared at Varric in horror. He just shrugged. “It was just a friendly disagreement. Don’t look at me like that, Sunshine. It was just the leg.” 

I gaped at him, then waved my hand in a backup gesture. “Woah, first, ‘just in the leg’? Second, Sunshine?”

He grinned unrepentantly and shrugged again, the rogue. “Kid said you didn’t like the first one. And I shot him in the bad leg, he won’t even notice it.” I must have still looked horrified, and a bit terrified, because he held up his hands. “I mean it. Friendly discussion. The Iron Lady fixed him up and he joked that my ‘feelings stick’ is sharper than Krem’s. Whatever that means…” 

I groaned. “Varric! He didn’t actually… do anything.” I was terrified and it still made me shudder but he really hadn’t don’t anything… only sleep and a few bruises… okay he had done something but it wasn’t the worst I had ever endured. Embarrassing, but not… not the worst. 

“And I only shot him in the leg. So. When you say pancakes, do you mean like little cakes cooked in a pan? Or flapjacks?”

I sighed in defeat, and just hoped Varric was right and The Iron Bull had joked it off. Maybe he modified the way he acted around certain people… he was Ben Hassrath. “Flapjacks but fluffy, like cake, with sugar and honey drizzle. If I had my tins, I could do pretty shapes, but it’ll just have to be circles.” I paused and pulled the paper out of the basket. “Could…?”

He took the paper from me. “Sure, Sunshine.” He cleared his throat dramatically. “Miss Rae, I am ever so delighted to hear of your return. I look forward to seeing what you create this morning. There will be five for breakfast this morning. Sincerely, a laundry list of titles.” He huffed and tapped the paper. “Does she ever let her hair down?”

Pancakes were both easy and difficult to make; easy because I knew it by heart, difficult because my mom used to make them all the time… just like this, because dad was allergic to maple (of all things) and she stayed away from syrup. I didn’t realize I had started crying, fortunately the gentle kind, until I finished plating and a scrap of cloth was held out to me. Oh. “Sorry. Memories. My, uh, parents.” I gestured at the plates helplessly then wiped my eyes and tried not to look at Lionel’s face. 

“No apologies needed, Sunshine.” Varric said softly. “You want me to deliver it for you?”

“No!” I blurted out, shaking my head, then winced and tried for a more reasonable tone. “No. I… it’s my job. It’s… what I’m paid for.” 

I felt more than saw the two exchange glances and then Varric huffed. “Well, Bianca and I were just headed up that way. We’ll walk with you.” 

“You are secretly a cinnamon roll.” I snorted, but felt relieved.

Varric walked beside me the entire way to the chantry, and even into it, though he stopped to chat to someone near the War Room door, suspiciously in shouting distance. I inhaled, drew my weak, stuttering return of magic further into myself, and knocked. 

Leliana opened the door and greeted me with a bright smile that made my stomach flip nervously. “Miss Rae! It is good to see you back. We have missed your cooking.”

“Thank you, ma’am.” I said quietly and kept my head down. I knew Maxwell was in there. I slipped in and there was only a map on one end of the table so I could use the other to serve off of. Leliana and Josephine accepted theirs eagerly, Maxwell with bored dismissal, Cullen actually looked interested for once. But Cassandra… she made a disgusted noise in the back of her throat and took the plate, and then her other hand moved quickly, as if she was going to backhand me and she was a warrior that would-

I flinched back and lifted a hand to protect my face, only for Cullen to start moving, his arms lifting and his hands moving towards me and oh god he was going to smite me or-

“I’m sorry!” I felt my heart pounding and my stomach was threatening to evict my breakfast. People were talking over my head and I realized that I was curled up against the wall.

“I wasn’t going to hit her!” Cassandra protested. 

“Of course you weren’t. Spymaster, what are you implying?” Maxwell’s voice boomed over me and I tried to just focus on breathing. Crap, he was going to be angry. 

“Everyone knows that she is skittish.” Cassandra said, sounding upset. “She flinches at gestures all the time.” 

“I do not think it was Seeker Cassandra.” Cullen said quietly. “She has not reacted well to my moving towards her before.” He paused and then added. “I believe her… Solas? Could help?” 

“There’s no need for that.” Maxwell sighed. “Get up, Kitten. You’re making a scene.”

Get up. Listen. I shakily forced myself to my feet. “Yes, s-sir. I’m sorry. I… I haven’t been feeling well.” Crap. Should I have just been quiet?

“See? It’s all just a misunderstanding.” Maxwell insisted. 

“Miss Rae?” Josephine's hand was suddenly on my arm, steadying me. 

There was a knock at the door and I saw Leliana give me a calculating look before going and answering it.

“Hey, Tavern Keep is asking for the cook back if you’re done with her.” Varric drawled. 

“Oh, dear. Master Varric, I don’t think-“ Josephine started but I cut her off. 

“I’ll be alright, ma’am.” I said, forcing my voice not to falter. “I just… need some water.” 

I pushed myself off of the wall and headed for the door. I wanted out of here. Maxwell was going to be so angry. I made it out before anyone could say anything.

Varric didn’t say anything on the trip back and I was grateful when he just left me by the door to the tavern with a gentle pat to my arm and a ‘see you later, Sunshine’ and I slipped in with a quiet thank you. I felt a little less shaky.

Lionel had his head in his hand and Flissa had her arms crossed. I froze. “What’s wrong?”

“Brea’s in prison.” Flissa said. 

I felt my heart jump sideways and then sink. “Why?” Was… was it Maxwell? Did he find out…?

“Someone told the spymaster he was with the Red Jennies.” Flissa. “She had him picked up this morning.”

Oh. No. She. Didn’t. 

I wanted to storm up and demand she release him, but what could I do? I was just the cook!

…

I was the cook. 

I glanced around the kitchen and then my eyes landed on the compost pail. Full of rancid meat trimmings and other waste. Perfect. I picked it up and dumped it onto the cutting board. I was like a woman possessed (which come to think of it is a horrible term to use in Thedas) and I prepared to channel all my anger that I hadn’t been able to feel over the last week out on the pile of refuse. 

“What are you doing?” Lionel asked in a baffled tone.

“Making a point.” I said (I might have hissed) as I grabbed a knife and started mincing the pile into tiny, tiny bits. A quick flip in the frying pan, and then I plated it with my usual exactness into a perfect pilaf. A quick drizzle of grease and a garnish of broken eggshell and then I picked up the plate and marched out the door. 

Leliana was in her tent and I slammed the plate down in front of her. Her eyes widened slightly and she leaned back from the nasty mess. 

“Brea. Is mine.”

“He is part of an outside-”

“Only because your precious Herald couldn’t find a good ally if it bit him.” I seethed. “The Red Jennies would have helped but for- Getting off the point. Brea is mine. I want him back.”

“Miss Rae-”

I shoved the plate closer to her, and distantly realized I was probably going to die. No. Josie wouldn’t let her kill me. I had the power of french toast on my side. “Have you ever heard the phrase, ‘don’t mess with the cook’, Spymaster? I. Am. The. Cook! If you think this is the worst plate I can serve you, you haven’t seen anything of what I am capable of.” (Thank you for the inspiration Minnie from ‘The Help’.)

She paused and her eyes flicked from the mess in front of her and then back to me. The urge to apologize and run reared its head, but… I couldn’t let them have Brea. I couldn’t lose him. She eventually inclined her head. “Of course. I’ll have him returned to you.”

She… was actually letting him go. Why? Information… She asked me for information before. “Thank you.” I racked my brain for something to give her in turn… Oh! “Check the kitchens in Denerim.” 

That should be enough… I turned on my heel and marched back to the tavern and then sat rigidly on my stepping chair and waited. I felt like being sick. What had I done? 

Eventually, the door opened and Brea came in, a little worse for wear, but alright. I jumped up out of the chair and grabbed him in a hug. “Are you okay?”

He hugged me tightly in return. “I’m okay. They said you got me out.”

“Yeah. You’re my kid.” 

He swallowed hard and then… “Thanks, Momma Rae.”

And… that was the last of my composure. I burst into tears.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW implied threat of rape at the end.

The week was strangely… calm. I had expected Maxwell to berate me again for my freak out in the war room, and he might have if he had had the chance. He looked furious when he looked at my hair and I knew he was going to punish me for it. The Iron Bull looked disappointed, sad almost, when he looked at my hair, but Maxwell was angry.

It seemed like every time I delivered his dinner… he never had the time to do more than start to stand up before someone was knocking on the door. Varric with questions about guild connections, The Iron Bull with questions about his Charger’s jobs, Solas to check on the mark, even Vivienne with complaints. It… was too much to be coincidence. I thanked them for it and made them all cinnamon rolls. 

I would have probably even thanked the Iron Bull for intervening, but he always reached up to run a finger across the back of my neck when he did, only to snatch it away with a sheepish ‘sorry, bas’ when Maxwell scolded him. I did give Krem a pan for the Chargers… so I think he got one. I… didn’t think he was doing it for altruistic reasons. He… was being possessive. He even grabbed someone’s hand in the tavern and broke it when they tried to make a grab at me. 

Leliana instructed me to meet her for a cup of tea every morning before I went to work. I hated it, her tent was cold, but it seemed necessary after she let Brea out of prison for me. She asked me questions, I shared what I knew, then I went for work and silently flitted in and out of the War Room. Cassandra and Cullen both held very still when I was serving them, and Maxwell’s glares were getting sharper, but I just kept my head down and my mouth shut. 

The Iron Bull came back in the kitchens with his orders, paying me way too much for them still. Cinnamon rolls for the Chargers, cookies, so on. Cole kept Meraad hidden for me. The Iron Bull always looked disappointed when he couldn’t find her but let the cat curl up on his legs while he watched me cook. He didn’t touch me in the tavern. It felt like when he stepped through the door he got smaller, quieter. He would give me uncertain smiles and help if I let him. It was like he was a different person when he was in the tavern. I… almost got used to him being there sometimes and he moved so deliberately slow that I didn’t flinch too much. The cat managed to escape the cabin no matter how securely I thought she was locked up and appeared in the tavern. The mice were gone and I could often hear her purring near the stove. 

I eventually gave in and named her Sage for her eyes. She… was the best cat ever, despite her penchant for miraculous escapes. Fluffy, cuddly, friendly, and… whatever Cole had done meant that she could walk right in front of Maxwell and he didn’t see her. I wished I could do that. 

A package arrived at Solas’ cabin for me… it was from Vivienne. Two more shirts, pants and a pair of boots. At the bottom was soaps and scented oils. I didn’t know what to make her but we just got in a shipment of apples and I had cinnamon. I took a chance on a personal sized apple pie and delivered it personally. She asked me to come to her room so she could write the recipe to send to her cook, then when we were there, she let the mask fall again. We drank tea and ate pie together. I felt horrible for my preconceptions of her and apologized but she just flicked her fingers dismissively “Once upon a time, darling.” 

A fter the tea with Vivienne, I returned to the tavern and I froze in terror at the sight of The Iron Bull sitting with Meraad on his knee and Maxwell leaning back in the chair by him with a drink in his hand. Krem was there too but-

"-surprising you're so gentle with it, that's all."

"Qun. Anyone who hurts a kid gets reeducated. Or put down." The Iron Bull shrugged. “Normally put down.”

"Really?" Maxwell said in feigned interest, though his shoulders tensed.

"Yeah. Means they've gone mad. One of my jobs was hunting down people who hurt kids. Put them down or bring them in. Stuck with me." The Iron Bull puffed up his chest proudly. “I got commended a lot because I never hesitated putting them down. Saved the reeducators a lot of work.”

"Messes up a few jobs, that's for sure." Krem muttered. "Remember when we had to sneak out of Nevarra because you killed some duke that slapped a servant kid?"

"Yeah." The Iron Bull grinned with all of his teeth. "Good times."

Krem made a scoffing noise. "We barely made it out."

The Iron Bull shrugged. "I'd do it again. Anything far gone enough to hurt a kid needs to be dealt with. Fast. Final." He snarled and then tickled Meraad, who giggled delightedly. “Isn’t that right, little one?”

Maxwell's eyes tightened but he lifted his cup. "I hear you." As if he agreed.

Cole’s chin rested on my shoulder. He must be awkwardly leaning down to do that, but he was an awkward bean anyway, so it was alright. “He won’t hurt her. Neither Hissrad or The Iron Bull will.”

“How… did he get her?” My voice was barely a whisper.

“He asked me. He warns the rat. Children are to be protected. He will strike him down if they aren’t.” Cole turned his head and pressed a kiss to my cheek. “He’s protecting. The line he will never cross or let be crossed.” 

It got easier. Seeing Maxwell and knowing I had others acting as sneaky buffers. It even got easier seeing The Iron Bull with Meraad, I now knew he wouldn’t harm her no matter how he had treated me. Cole wouldn’t lie. 

I slowly started to feel like maybe I had my breath back. Solas started teaching me magic again after supper. I couldn't disappear, but I could cast a barrier, and that was something.

Brea brought me a stack of letters, and Varric sat with me and helped me read them, though his eyebrows flew up at the first one and he looked at me before sighing and shaking his head. “I’m going to teach you to read, Sunshine. You shouldn’t be letting me see these.”

“Why, are they obscene?” I didn’t want that… I didn’t know who these were from.

“Uh. No. Well…” He turned the paper and showed me a drawing of two stick figures… oh. 

“Is that from Sera?”

It was, full of information to pass on. Varric helped me write a reply, also full of information, as well as a recipe for no bake cookies. The next letter was from Belle, she thanked me for the taco recipe and sent me some money as return for my ‘investment’ and then she also supplied some information for me to pass on. She signed the letter ‘Taco Belle’ and when Varric read that to me I broke into a delighted giggle fit that left me on the floor, breathless and teary. 

Anyway… I didn’t know what to give her so I just gave her a recipe for nachos… because you can’t have Taco Belle without nachos… blasphemy. Varric probably thought I was nuts by the time we were done by how many times I burst into snerks and giggles.

The rest was information from various ‘friends’ and I replied best I could and sent recipes to everyone because, why not? Varric started teaching me the alphabet and by the time I had to get busy again, I could shakily write my name in the glyphs. I took the letters I had been sent (after carefully cutting out the names of who sent them to me) and dropped them on Leliana’s desk in her tent the next morning. She had picked one up, flipped it open, and then her eyebrows flew up like Varric’s had. She folded the letter delicately and looked at me for a long moment before smiling.

“We are having trouble deciding whether to approach the mages or the templars. What is your opinion?”

Um. “Well, it will take less noble support to go to the mages and… Therinfall is completely closed off. No one in or out. Not even the little people. You know what it means when not even the little people can come in or out?”

Her lips pressed together and I wondered if she was remembering Redcliffe from the blight… the little people hadn’t been allowed in or out when Connor had been possessed. “Nothing good.” She said. 

“If you’re looking to walk into a bad situation… Go to the templars. If you need allies to close the breach…which you don’t really have time to waste gaining support for, go for the Mages.“ I paused and fidgeted because I had probably said way too much… but if Maxwell went to Therinfall he was dead and this world was lost. “Um. That’s my… opinion. Ma’am.” 

Leliana just looked at me for a long moment, (a long enough moment that I stood shifting awkwardly and contemplating jumping and slapping my arms because it was freezing. Really, would it kill her to light a brazier or somethin? But no, she made do with a small oil lamp. Deny it all you want, Leli, you’re Ferelden.) before taking a sip from her tea, then smiling pleasantly. “Thank you for your company and conversation, Miss Rae. Shall we do this again tomorrow?”

“Yes ma’am.” I didn’t dare refuse. I set down my cup and turned to leave only to freeze at her voice.

“Miss Rae?”

I turned carefully. “Yes, ma’am?” 

She was looking at her tea cup with a thoughtful expression. “If you were to use just one word to describe Maxwell Trevelyan. What would it be?”

Crap. I couldn’t lie and say he was great or heroic, he was horrible, he was cruel. I knew first hand but… my stomach clenched in fear that despite The Iron Bull’s implications, he would go after Meraad anyway. Maxwell was someone I was learning to loathe. That I wouldn’t shed a tear at the knowledge of his death. But he was needed. I swallowed hard… “Necessary, Spymaster.”

“Necessary?” 

“You see anyone else with a glowing magic mark that can close the sky?” I said bitterly. Then winced. “I’m sorry.”

Leliana was quiet another moment but then asked quietly. “Why did you cut your hair?”

I closed my eyes and tried to focus on not crying. “It’s… it’s more practical.” That sounded good right? Not at all like I was trying to keep people from grabbing it.

She nodded and I took the opportunity to run (well, not run. I walked but I'm pretty sure I power walked) away 

I was. Not. going to cry. I made it back to the tavern in good time and bustled into the kitchen ready to throw down some amazing breakfast. Flissa was elbows deep in boxes and bags. 

“Shipment came in.” Flissa said, then jerked her chin towards a box on the table. “Not sure what those are.”

I went over and looked at them and then gasped. “Piping bags!” There were even little tips for different designs! I could make… “oh my goodness I can make frilly cakes! Flissa, can I-” 

“Yes.” She waved her hand dismissively. “Just make me one too. Lionel, you have breakfast?”

Lionel nodded and moved to wash his hands, so much more agile and confident on the new crutches. “Brea, take over the dough.”

The others took over the basic tavern cooking while I whipped together poached eggs on toast and sausage for the council. It was a quick in and out delivery, Varric cheerfully (and loudly) telling me he’d talk to me when I got out as I slipped into the War Room, dropped off the plates silently, and slipped back out. I did kiss his cheek again because I appreciated his protectiveness and I was sure it was keeping me from awkward encounters in the War Room…

Back to the tavern, where I excitedly whipped up some cake batter and put it on to bake. Enough for eight personal sized cakes after I sliced it up. Then… frosting.

In Thedas.

Ugh.

I found a soft mild goat cheese in the cold box. (Thank you, Solas, for the ice glyphs. It was really ingenious, just like a fridge, although he had just stood there awkwardly when I praised him for the idea.) Honey, a dash of sugar and milk cream. 

I broke a small piece of the cheese off to hand to Meraad who had been watching me curiously. Now I just had to blend it together until smooth… then I had to whip it… the hard way… wonderful… maybe there was some magic for that? Maybe?

I was muttering indictments under my breath at the stubborn mix, my arm aching from the effort of stirring it with the less than subpar whisk (that was really better suited to beating eggs). I was about to give up and ask Brea to help me when I froze at the sight of The Iron Bull watching me from the doorway as Meraad swung from his wrist like he was an oversized jungle gym. He gave me one of his careful (tavern only) grins. “You, uh, need help, Rae?”

I shook my head automatically, then… I mean… he was going to hang out in here whether I liked it or not so… I nodded and then tentatively held the bowl out to him. “It… needs stirred till it’s smooth.”

He carefully took the bowl from me and then stepped back so he wasn’t looming over me before going and sitting in my stepping chair and starting to whip the mixture like he had made frosting a dozen times before.

“Um. Thank you, sir.” 

He tossed me one of those uncertain looking grins and refocused on the frosting and… Once again I felt baffled. It... he was like a different person and I didn’t know if it was because of Varric shooting him… or if it was some weird ‘Qun and Tama’ thing for him? Maybe both? Or… Meraad was there, standing on tip toe and peering over the edge of the bowl as he stirred. He gave her a little fingertip of frosting to taste, then gave me a guilty glance. Maybe it was because there was an imekari? 

It took me a minute to be able to refocus on my cooking- the cakes were baking. Um. Focusing on… Cleaning! Yeah. Cleaning. 

“Rae? I think it’s done.” The Iron Bull said quietly after I had finished scrubbing the bowls and just set the cakes out to cool.

I cautiously took the bowl from him, but he moved his hands so that I didn’t even accidentally brush against him when I picked it up. It was done perfectly, exactly the right texture.

“Thank you.” It came out more uncertain than I’d have liked, but I gave him a wobbly smile and his face lit up in delight. That… was terrifying. And then he was poking Meraad’s belly, making her giggle and her chin looked suspiciously smudged with icing. 

I backed up and set the frosting aside for when the cakes cooled and it was time to prepare for serving lunch. 

It wasn’t until after the lunch rush that I was able to get back to the cake. I cut the cake into eight perfect rectangles, trimming them even and letting Meraad have the scraps. I… probably let her have too many sweets but… whatever. Life in Thedas sucked, she could have cake crumbs whenever they were available. The Iron Bull left to eat with the Chargers, taking a plate of toasted sandwiches I had made (and he paid way too much for them as usual. Seriously… what was with the money? Not that I was complaining about having the spare coin to take care of Meraad, but… Oh. That’s why.)

I had… a lot of fun decorating the cakes, putting as many swirls and frills and little frosting flowers as I could fit onto them. I used every tip they had bought for me, and when I stepped back, I had created the gaudiest, most over decorated cakes I had ever made in my life. (the Sprinkle Disaster of my Twelfth Birthday did not count)

I put them in the cold room to set while I set some beans to soak and rinsed rice that Flissa had ordered. Beans and rice with bits of sausage and cornbread. I was bringing a bit of New Orleans to the table tonight and I felt extremely satisfied about that. 

“Lethallan?” Solas called out quietly as he entered the kitchen.

I turned and gave him an excited grin. “I made something!”

His mouth quirked as I rushed to the cold box and fetched one of the cakes, carefully set on it’s own little plate. I carried it to him and held it up proudly. “For you!”

His expression fell as he stared at the cake and… he looked like I had just stabbed him instead of offering him a cake. His hands lifted towards the plate but just… hovered over mine as if he was afraid to touch. His fingers were trembling.

“Solas? Are you alright?” I asked in concern.

His gaze lifted from the cake and focused on my face and I was horrified to see his eyes fill with tears as his knees buckled and he fell to the floor with a choked sob. I was frozen for a moment as I stared at him. He was clutching his hands to his chest, curled over them as he sobbed like he had just had his heart ripped out. I set the cake aside and knelt by him, worried and helpless. I tentatively touched his shaking shoulder and he turned towards me and somehow I ended up sitting on the floor of a kitchen with the Dread Wolf crying his heart out into my shoulder while I held him. He was gasping out broken elvhen, but the only bit I could catch was ‘ir abelas’. Much sorrow. 

I was at a loss what to do… I racked my brain for what little I knew from the game but I was coming up empty. So I resorted to just rubbing his shoulder and holding him… it was kinda surreal. Even Meraad came over and squirmed into his lap to hug him which only seemed to make him cry all the harder. I looked over to find both Lionel and Brea suspiciously missing, and a part of my brain wondered if they had snuck off to give us privacy.

So… I just rubbed his shoulder and let him cry because… something was hurting him and this was all I could do because no matter how much he said it was all in Elvhen and I couldn’t say anything without knowing what he was saying.

I heard a slight scuff and looked up and felt myself stiffen at the sight of The Iron Bull standing in the doorway, staring at us. His expression shuttered and he pressed his lips together in a thin line before turning and walking back the way he came. 

Solas hadn’t even seemed to have noticed him… in fact he didn’t seem to notice anything until Cole poofed in and knelt next to us. “It was an accident. Too fast. Too fast, I can’t pull it back, too much. You didn’t know.”

Solas tensed and answered, his voice thick with tears and shaky. “I should have.” 

“How?” Cole asked. 

Solas was quiet for a long moment before he inhaled deeply then pulled away. “It doesn’t matter now. Forgive me.” 

I wasn’t sure if he was apologizing to me or to Cole but I could see him pulling himself together, evening his breaths and composing his expression, though it faltered when he looked at the cake. He blinked and ran his hands over his face and I tasted a crackle of magic on the back of my tongue and then- okay. That wasn’t fair. He didn’t look like he had been crying at all now. 

“Thank you, Lethallan.” And just like that he was fine. He picked up the plate with the cake and the only evidence of what had just happened was he touched it like it was precious.

“Uh…” I had no idea what to say other than. “Beans and rice? For dinner?” 

He smiled and tilted his head. “I look forward to it.” He turned as if to leave, then paused and turned back and produced a small leather strap with a bluish stone dangling from it. “I came to deliver this.” 

I was still a little stunned by what had just happened and didn’t realize that it was a collar until Cole took it and slipped it onto Sage's neck. “Oh, thank you.” 

Solas only gave me a sad kind of smile and took Meraad’s hand. “Come Da’lan, would you like some?” She nodded eagerly and then they left… and I was left standing there with absolutely no idea what any of that was about… cinnamon rolls next time maybe? Did he have some kind of trauma connected to cake? How could that even-? never mind not thinking about it. He had his secrets still. 

Without Meraad to watch I started on the beans and rice and thank goodness for my spices! I might have overdone it a little but I wanted some comfort food tonight. 

Lionel came back in and glanced around the room as if checking to see the coast was clear. He didn’t say anything though and just started helping me with the cornbread batter. 

Beans and rice with cornbread. It felt nostalgic even as I made Maxwell’s bowl for that night. Making his food wasn’t near as intimidating as before knowing that someone would likely knock on the door and give me an excuse to leave immediately. 

I thought about that for a moment, I wouldn’t have to stay, meaning… I glanced at the salt bag… it felt like blasphemy, ruining a good bowl of beans and rice but… also strangely satisfying as I spooned a little bit too much into it. 

I was probably going to regret it but… I could just say it was an accident. Not that that would actually save me. Oh well, too late now.

I put on my cloak and picked up the food and headed out the door in surprisingly high spirits. I was smiling to myself at my little rebellious act, then as if a switch was flicked, my stomach plummeted and I screamed as a large, too large to be anyone but The Iron Bull’s, arm wrapped around my chest and pinned my arms to my sides. Maxwell’s dinner clattered to the ground and my scream didn’t go anywhere, instead swallowed by his hand covering my mouth. I started gathering my magic but I felt him growl softly before he whispered right in my ear. “Easy, Kitten. Do you remember that offer you made me? You for the elf?”

Ice raced through my blood and I shoved my magic down. He had seen me holding Solas while he cried and now- oh god. I nodded against his massive hand and felt myself start to cry.

“Good. That offer still stand, Kitten?” He said softly, right into my ear. “You’ll go with me and the elf doesn’t get hurt?”

I sobbed, the panicked sound swallowed by his palm, but I nodded. I didn’t know enough magic to fight him and Solas was still weak and had to… I nodded.

“Good. You going to be quiet, Kitten? Come with me easy like?”

I nodded and closed my eyes tightly. He made a satisfied sound and then I had to clap my hands over my mouth to keep from screaming when he picked me up princess style. I kept my eyes shut and tried not to make too much noise as he moved. Small. Quiet. Listen. Oh god. 

I heard him murmur to someone but I kept my head down. Small. Quiet. Listen.

I was shaking as I felt him get onto a horse and tuck me across his lap. He started that rumbling purring sound as we rode away. Distantly, I registered that it sounded a little like humming, and that the tune was… really familiar yet I couldn’t place it. I could feel the tears freezing on my face as he carried me off, away from Haven. I felt sick and helpless as he carried me away from Meraad, away from Sage… I was shivering despite the warmth radiating from where I was pressed against The Iron Bull. I didn’t want to, but I curled against him and screwed my eyes shut.

He suddenly growled and then a moment later I heard…

Hoofbeats. Coming towards us quickly.

The Iron Bull let out a furious growl and I whimpered, but he just pulled his horse to a halt and then there was a disorienting feeling of being moved, then my shaking legs were on the ground. The Iron Bull’s hand rested on the back of my neck and I closed my eyes and tried not to pull away. “Be good, Kitten, and play along.” He leaned down and growled in my ear before stepping back but his hand remained on my neck. What?

“What are you doing with her?” Maxwell yelled and I heard a horse being pulled to a stop in front of us.

There was a pause, and then: “I caught her trying to run away, bas.” 

What? My eyes flew open in shock at the lie. He had been kidnapping me! He grabbed me! 

Maxwell was scowling at me. “Is that true, Kitten?”

The Iron Bull’s hand was heavy on my neck. Warning, and I felt trapped between two dangerous men who wanted to hurt me. But only one wanted to… I closed my eyes and nodded. “Yes, sir.”

He sighed as if deeply disappointed. “Kitten... what were you thinking? Running off by yourself? You know you can’t handle being on your own.” 

I bit my tongue and shoved my magic down safely away. No one… no one else was here. No one knew where I was. No one was coming to help me. 

“How am I supposed to keep you safe if you leave, Kitten?” He sighed again and walked up to run a finger over the side of my face. “What am I supposed to do with you, Kitten? You have been avoiding me… and this?” His hand trailed up to touch the short strand of my hair. “Pity, I don’t recall giving you permission to cut it.”

I was shaking, trapped between two men that I couldn’t escape. I dropped my head and closed my eyes, knowing I was probably about the get the beating of my life all because-

“Hey, bas…” The Iron Bull spoke hopefully, his hand tightening slightly on my neck and I felt my stomach twist in dread. “Can I deal with her? I can introduce her to my boys, have a little fun?” 

Oh god… I felt the blood drain from my face and my eyes flew up in panic only to be met with Maxwell’s absolutely horrifying smile of delight. “Why Iron Bull, haven't you had your fill of her yet?” He asked in a sickeningly playful tone.

The Iron Bull made a rumbling grunt/growl in his chest that made me flinch. “Not nearly enough, bas.” His thumb started to stroke the side of my neck and I… I tried to pull away to get away but his other hand came around to land on my shoulder and a whimper escaped me as it squeezed just enough of a warning to stand still. Oh god! 

Maxwell’s smile turned sharp and malicious, and my gut churned in nausea. “What do you say, Kitten? You want to be his plaything again?” 

I shook my head frantically. “No, sir, please I-“

“Too bad. She’s yours for the night.” Maxwell cut me off then turned on his heel to get his horse. “I need her alive Iron Bull, don’t let your boys be too rough.” 

Oh god.

  
  
  
  



	17. Chapter 17

Maxwell rode beside us and I could hear him talking cheerfully with The Iron Bull. I was once again, trapped on The Iron Bull’s lap as he carried me back towards… Oh god, I was sobbing, quietly so I didn’t make Maxwell angry again, and focusing as hard as I could at keeping my magic pressed down so he didn’t have to smite me again. 

‘You gonna join us, bas?” The Iron Bull asked cheerfully and I felt my stomach threaten to evict my supper.

“No. I don’t really want to use the same toy as a rabbit and an ox, no offense. Besides, I have an image to maintain, Iron Bull. I brought her back, what she does now is her problem.” Maxwell said indifferently. 

“You got your eyes on the Seek, yeah?” The Iron Bull grunted.

“Good breeding, good connections…” Maxwell sighed. “You wouldn’t understand.” I think the only thing keeping me from retching was the fact The Iron Bull arm was right there and fear of his reaction if I puked all over him.

“She looks good in her armor. Punches like a dream.” The Iron Bull said admiringly.

“Yes well, after I have that locked down I’ll see what I can do about letting you have a taste of that too. You’ve been ever so helpful.” Maxwell laughed.

I stiffened… and clenched my jaw. How dare he! How- I felt my stomach start churning threateningly with my anger as the Iron Bulls arm around me tightened. Oh, he dared, he was Ted Bundy times ten. 

“Here. In case she acts up.” Maxwell said, and tossed a sickeningly familiar vial to The Iron Bull, who caught it with a grunt. And then he was gone, riding through the gates before I could think of what to do. 

The Iron Bull tucked the magebane into his pocket and hefted me off of the horse and I thought of running, but then Krem was right there, draping his arm over my shoulders. “Hey there, cook! Boys are real happy with that bean stuff you made! Come tell Grim what spices you used.” 

I was dragged away from The Iron Bull and I felt dazed as Krem shouted, “Hey boys, meet The Cook!” 

I… what? I was pulled over to Grim, who instantly peppered me with questions as he pulled me into his tent and showed me their spice box. It was not at all what I expected and I was sort of in a daze as I automatically listed off the spices I had used when he asked, and then answered his question about the bean preparation. I was confused enough to simply let them pull me gently around from tent to tent and answered their cooking questions and other various curious prying… Had… he really just meant 'introduce'? Or had they not reacted like he wanted? Did my cinnamon rolls and cookies buy me enough goodwill with them that they wouldn’t…? I somehow ended up sitting on Dalish's lap, wrapped in a giant blanket and with a cup of herbal smelling tea in my hands (because my shaking was translated to ‘she must be cold’. I was, but still) as I talked about how to cook cinnamon buns over an open fire with Rocky. 

The Iron Bull was sitting across the fire with a drink, watching me with a satisfied smile. This probably meant he got me to himself then… I couldn’t hide my shudder at that (although That was preferable to… all) and Dalish immediately threw another blanket on me. Rocky offered me a drink of something that smelled alcoholic and I shook my head but couldn’t figure out how to politely decline without offending, but Stitches just cuffed him on the back of the head. “It doesn’t actually warm them up, ya idiot.” 

And then a bowl of beans and rice with a hunk of cornbread was dropped into my hands by Krem. It was strange to sit there and eat while they all talked around me, stories about jobs, ribbing each other… almost exactly like I had imagined from… if I focused on their jokes and the food in my hands, I could almost pretend that… everything was okay.

I must have sat there a good two hours, just listening, even finding myself laughing at a few of their jokes, though some of them weren’t to my tastes I couldn't deny they were funny.

There was an odd shout from the end of the camp nearest the gates and then Krem said something in a language I didn’t know, and then Dalish was setting me up on my feet. I blinked, surprised, and then bit my tongue when I was just as suddenly picked up and tossed over a massive shoulder, still wrapped up in the blanket so I was trapped as The Iron Bull said something in a slurring, obviously drunken, playful tone that got several boisterous laughs from the Chargers and then he was carrying me unsteadily off and- his hand slapped my backside and I yelped, causing the Chargers to laugh again. 

So much for goodwill. 

I was trying not to start crying again, my heart in my throat and the food I had eaten threatening to return as The Iron Bull staggered drunkenly off with me and I couldn’t… I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t run, or fight, or hide… The world swooped and I was tossed onto a thick bedroll and then before I could even gasp out a plea for him not to, he collapsed heavily onto it beside me, his arm over my chest in a heavy, restrictive weight, and then…

He started snoring. 

Loud, completely drunk and dead to the world, Snoring. 

For the first few minutes I was too terrified of waking him to even try to move, but after a while I tried to slide out from under his arm, only for him to make a grunting sound and pull me until my back was pressed against his chest again and he was holding me like a teddy bear. I exhaled shakily when his breathing evened back out. Okay. Not moving then… he started purring… the same deep heavy purring, sound he had done that night in the tent.

I bit my lip to try to keep from crying in relief that he had passed out before anything had happened. I didn’t want to risk waking him up. Sage’s quiet, inquisitive mew had me tensing in panic and frustration. How had she gotten out of the tavern? What was she doing here? She walked up to me and touched her nose to mine and blinked slowly. I did the same then she bumped her forehead to my cheek and started purring, a quieter, smaller counterpart to Bull’s rumbling purr. She turned in a circle and then curled up against my belly and I… suddenly felt very sleepy. Warm. Purring. And tired. I could fret about what he’d do when he woke up later. 

Solas was in the Fade when I got there, he asked if I was alright and I didn’t want to worry him and technically I was fine, so I told him so. 

He gave me a sad kind of smile, then made a beach for us to walk along as he taught me more about magic. I did ask about implementing making in cooking and that sent him into a laughing fit. It was a valid question. 

“Am I a dreamer?” I asked hesitantly. “I just… dream pretty clearly and remember it and…” I trailed off.

“No. You have the same…” He twisted his mouth in thought. “Ability to construct in your mind as a friend of mine did. You simply are able to create things in your imagination and then recognize reality from dream. I believe they explained it as ‘obsessive focus coupled with hobbies founded in imagination’.” 

That… sounded like ‘fangirl’. I… had the power of fangirl. Okay. “So I couldn’t find others or search for lost memories but can tell dreaming from not. Got it.”

“To oversimplify it.” 

“I’m good with simple.” 

He chuckled, “So I’ve noticed.”

I was about to ask about creation magics when I was suddenly waking up. “Chief!” Krem’s voice had me tensing in panic as The Iron Bull groaned beside me, pulling me tighter against him as he woke up. “Chief!”

“What?” The Iron Bull growled.

“You’re supposed to leave.”

There was a pause, and then The Iron Bull shoved me away from him with a muttered curse and he staggered out of the tent, leaving me trapped in a tangle of blankets in his bed. Krem gave me a sad look before ducking in and helping extricate me from the blankets. “You need to get back to work.” 

“Yes, sir.” I answered automatically. I looked around for Sage, but she was gone already. I flinched when Krem reached for me and he gave me a tense smile.

“Sorry about this.” He said, then grabbed the collar of my shirt and… ripped it. I gaped at him in shock and disbelief, pulling back, but he let me go easily. He grimaced and then jerked his head towards the tent entrance. “Go on.”

I blinked back tears and scrambled out of the tent, only to freeze at the sight of an irate Maxwell on his horse. He looked very, very angry, and Cassandra was speaking to him with a sympathetic expression that turned dark when she saw me. Maxwell’s eyes landed on me, flicking down to my torn shirt, and he smirked. I clutched at the collar of my shirt, noticing the bruises from where the Iron Bull had held me still, and ducked my head and hurried back into Haven. 

I was fighting back tears, which was stupid, nothing had happened except embarrassment of walking through Haven in a torn shirt. I should just be grateful it wasn’t the shirt Varric had given me. Why had Krem torn my shirt like that? He was normally so sweet...

I hurried into Solas’ cabin to change into a non ruined shirt. Thankfully he wasn’t there. I was running late to meet with Leliana. I had barely changed when I turned and found Cole standing there with a kid in his arms. He handed the child to me and turned to go.

“Wait! Where did you get him?” I asked frantically, the kid was roughly five years old, human but slight. 

Cole shrugged. “He was sleeping in the smithy. He’s yours.”

“But… you can’t just take kids! His family?”

“Conclave. Mother was an elf mage, father was a templar. Relatives on either side don’t want him. Not elfy enough and too elfy.”

That… made my stomach turn. Oh. “What’s your name, sweetheart?”

The boy looked at me with wide chocolate eyes, then at Cole who smiled and nodded encouragingly. The boy looked at me and took a deep breath as if gathering his courage. “Garth.” 

That was a terrible name for a kid, but I smiled at him. “It’s nice to meet you, Garth. I’m Rae. I have another kid I take care of named Meraad. Would you like to meet her?” 

Garth hesitated but nodded slowly. “Wonderful. Let’s go meet her and get some breakfast.”

His eyes lit up at that and I wrapped my cloak around both of us before cautiously poking my head out the door. Cole touched my arm. “I’ll go with you. No one will see until you’re in your kitchen.”

I let out a relieved breath. “Thank you.” 

As promised: no one saw, no comments. I loved Cole. Garth kept popping his head out from under the cloak to look at everything that made a sound as we walked. Had I really just taken in another kid? How was I going to-? nevermind cross that bridge when I came to it. 

I slipped into the kitchen and found Lionel teaching Meraad how to knead a tiny ball of dough. She gave me a brilliant smile that faded when she saw Garth. She gave me a heartbreakingly betrayed look and then pressed her hand to her chest.

“Oh! No, sweetie! I’m not replacing you, I’m keeping you both.” I rushed to assure her as I came over and sat Garth down on the chair next to her. “Meraad, this is Garth. He doesn’t have anyone either.” I then turned to Garth who was looking at Meraad warily. “Garth this is Meraad.” 

“Hey.” Garth mumbled quietly.

Meraad raised her hand in a timid, uncertain wave then dropped her hand down to look at me with those ever inquisitive eyes. 

“How do you two feel about being siblings? Brother and sister?” I asked, trying to ease them into the idea… I sucked at this.

Garth frowned and looked up at me. “She doesn’t like me.”

At first I just stood there like an idiot, because what are you supposed to say to a four or five year old kid who’s only known rejection? There was no handbook or anything that I knew of, so I winged it. “Oh sweety, she’s just shy.”

“She’s afraid there’s only room for one.” Cole said. “But there is room for both. Room for many more. She always makes room. Can you two make room for each other?”

Garth’s eyes widened and he nodded determinedly. He frowned and then stuck his hand out towards Meraad. “I’ll be your brother.” 

I let out the breath of relief I hadn’t realized I had been holding. Now… how to tell Solas? That… crap. What was I going to do? Hey, look Dread Wolf, I collected another kid. That’s three. Three kids and a cat… I was getting ‘domestic’ with the Dread Wolf. If… if he let me keep her… 

Meraad accepted Garth’s hand, and then divided her little ball of dough to give half to him. That… seemed like a good sign.

I turned to start breakfast when Lionel suddenly caught my wrist, gently. “Hey. What happened? You disappeared and then the others said you were with...” 

“Nothing happened.” I tried to pull my arm away but he held on. “Lionel, nothing happened. I gave recipes… then spent the night.” Mostly true. He didn’t need to know about The Iron Bull’s drunken stupor or Krem tearing my shirt… I was still in disbelief over that. 

Lionel studied my face for a long moment before sighing and letting my wrist go. “You…” He clenched his jaw. “The tea for the spymaster is ready.” 

Crap! I was late. I glanced at the kids who were now trying to outdo each other, making shapes with the dough. “Um… could you-?

Lionel waved his hand though he still looked upset. “Yeah, I have them, go on.”

“Thank you.” I quickly set up the tea and then… hesitated at the door. But no. The Iron Bull and Maxwell had left. It was fine. I was fine. I grit my teeth and headed for Leliana’s tent as fast as I could.

She looked up sharply when I approached and her eyes flicked over me before narrowing slightly. 

“I’m sorry I’m late.” I blurted out as I set the tea down. 

She hummed and took one of the cups. “The day has been eventful. The Herald has left for the Hinterlands and it has thrown things in disarray.” 

I breathed out a quiet sigh of relief that she wasn’t upset. And that he was going to the mages… how had they managed to convince him? I started to sit down but she spoke again.

“If you do not mind, would you mind saving our tea for tomorrow morning? It is, as you said, rather late. We will need four plates for breakfast in the War Room.” She said, and then bent her head over her papers in obvious dismissal.

Um. “Yes, ma’am.” Four plates? I thought Cassandra was with Maxwell? Not that I actually asked that question I was too busy making my escape. Hey, look! I kept my mouth shut! Wonder of wonders.

Lionel frowned when I came back in and grabbed my pans. “So soon?”

“I was late. They want breakfast for the council.” 

Varric brought the morning basket, but he just set it down on the counter and then came up and hugged me with a soft, “Oh, Sunshine.” 

That was it. The dam broke. Everything, the terror of last night, the betrayal I felt over Krem’s actions… everything burst out. 

I ended up sobbing into his shoulder until I felt a hesitant, small hand tug on my shirt hem. I looked down to see Meraad looking up at me with wide eyes and I pulled away from Varric to kneel down and hug her. “I’m alright, sweetheart. I just had a bad day.” 

She pressed her finger to her lips in concern. 

“No, the… the shiny men aren’t coming.”

“You have to be quiet or they’ll hit you.” Garth said quietly. “You can’t cry. You’re not supposed to cry.”

“There-” I had to inhale deeply, and scrub at my face because… this wasn’t right. They shouldn’t have to worry about chantry soldiers abusing them or anyone else. They shouldn’t have to worry about their caretakers being abused. They were Children. They shouldn’t worry about anything more than what color they were going to use for a drawing… or what to draw. God, I hated Thedas! “The templars aren’t here, sweetie.” 

Varric knelt down and tapped Bianca on his back. “You see this, kiddos? This is Bianca. If we see a templar being mean to you we’ll keep them away, alright?” 

Garth frowned. “And from her?”

Varric grimaced and stood back up. “I’m trying, kid. I really am.” 

“I’m fine,” I smiled and gave what I hoped was a reassuring hug to both kids. “You have more important things to worry about than a cook, Varric.” I scrubbed at my eyes and stood up, but kept a hand on Meraad’s shoulder.

“Nah. Cooks are important, an army marches on its stomach, Sunshine.”

“And the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” I sighed.

“Or through the ribcage.” Lionel muttered but held up his hand in surrender when I shot him a look. The kids didn’t need to hear that. 

Varric chuckled but it felt lacking as he pulled a note from the basket, but also a bundle of cloth. He handed the cloth to me. “The Charger’s lieutenant asked me to give this to you.” 

I froze at the bundle but forced myself to take it… it was a shirt. Light pink. A replacement for the one he ruined or… Pink was The Iron Bull’s favorite color. Another… another possessive thing. “Oh.” I was probably expected to wear it. Crap.

“It’s pretty.” Varric said.

“Yeah. Um. I’ll…” I didn’t want to go see Krem. Didn’t want to face him right now.

“Want me to help you write a thank you note?” Varric suggested, eyeing me carefully.

“Yes. Please.” That would be so much better.

Varric frowned but didn’t comment as I hooked the shirt on the peg next to my cloak. Breakfast. The Council’s breakfast. Cook and just… think about it later.

The basket had cured pork belly, basically bacon, eggs, leek, and cheese. I had some corn flour from Flissa’s shipment… breakfast quesadillas. Because I felt like something different.

It was easy to forget about as I started making the tortillas, Garth and Meraad both took turns mixing the batter while I chopped the leek, grated the cheese and whisked the eggs. 

There were enough eggs for me to add a few from Flissa’s stock to make everyone some quesadillas. Meraad ate hers with enthusiasm while Garth looked at his in disbelief. But seeing her scarf down hers must have been enough prompting, I guessed he must have been afraid she’d eat his too. 

The council’s plated and set on the tray, I gave Meraad her customary kiss goodbye on her forehead and then gave Garth one because he was right there… his eyes widened comically but Meraad just laughed at the face he made, then I took off through the front. Varric didn't walk with me, saying he’d help keep an eye on the kids, which… made sense I guess as The Iron Bull and Maxwell had both left already. I passed Solas in the Chantry, he was coming out of Josephine’s office and gave me a head tilt in greeting. I gave him a smile and a good morning as I passed to the War Room. 

I knocked on the door and Josephine answered with a smile and opened the door wide for me. “Good morning, Miss Rae.”

“Good morning ma’am.” I smiled back, feeling a little more bold knowing Maxwell was not there. 

I served up the plates quietly and then faltered at the fourth plate. Who…? I glanced at the door but Leliana spoke up. “You will be joining us for breakfast, Miss Rae.”

My eyes widened and I really would rather not… especially with Cullen’s sudden sharp look at Leliana… but I just ducked my head. “Yes, ma’am.” Look at that! Listening!

“What do you call this, Miss Rae?” Josephine asked.

“A breakfast quesadilla, ma’am.” 

“Is that a Nevarran phrase?” Leliana asked, cutting into hers delicately with her fork without looking at me. 

“Um. I don’t know?” I think it was spanish, wasn’t it?

“We don’t have time for-” Cullen sighed sharply. 

“Hush, Commander. You’ll frighten her.” Josephine said sweetly and gave me a smile. “It is delicious.” 

I was caught between the responses of thanking her and fleeing from the templar’s irritation. 

“I’m aware.” He said flatly and took a step back, putting more space between us. “So why is she here, where I will?” 

“Because her head is full of secrets.” Leliana said, and my head snapped up to stare at her in terror. 

“I-”

“You’re not in trouble.” Josephine rushed to assure me, then cast a glare at Leliana. “Don’t say it as if she is, Leli.”

“Forgive me, Josie.” Leliana gave her a smile and then looked at me. “You are not in trouble, Miss Rae. Eat. I simply believe that you can be useful. Your connections and information has proven quite valuable already.”

My… what? Connections? Information? Uhhh. Eat. Right eating. Crap. I obediently took a bite of the quesadilla. Probably could have used a bit of pepper. Focusing on that. Not on… What freakin’ connections, Leliana?!

They started talking as if I wasn’t there, which was nice. I listened and ate and waited until I could flee. Except… “Now about the Refugees, Commander-“ Josephine started and Cullen growled, cutting her off and simultaneously making me jump.. 

“Hasn’t that already been decided? Let’s speak no more on the matter.”

“On the contrary,” Leliana sighed and sat her plate down, she wasn’t quite finished so she must feel strongly about this… that or she didn’t like it. But see would have told me if she didn’t like it, I doubt she’s worried about hurting my feelings. 

I lifted my head from my plate to see what she was about to say only to find her eyes on me… crap, what did I do? “Do you have an opinion on the matter, Miss Rae? If so, please speak it.” 

Uhhh… 

“She doesn’t even know what we are discussing!” Cullen said in exasperation and his hands came up and I flinched back. He then placed his hands deliberately on the table and clenched his jaw. 

Leliana was still looking at me. Waiting. She… had asked me a direct question. “Umm… the noble man’s concerns?” Crap I didn’t remember the creep’s name to save my life… which coincidentally might just save my life or end it… a wonderful idiom we had that I never considered would actually be true. 

I had hoped they might say the creep’s name but Leliana only smiled again and nodded her head... okay. Crap. “Umm… what exactly are you asking… ma’am?” Because I had absolutely no clue what she was fishing for. 

“What is your opinion on the matter?” Josephine asked before taking another bite of her quesadilla.

I swallowed, crap um what were the choices? Cullen wanted to help refugees, Josephine refused to get involved and Leliana… uggh.

“Um… getting them off of his land would gain his support… possibly influence.” I tried not to flinch when Cullen pushed off of the table and forced out my next words… god, I was going to die. “But is that what you want?”

Leliana cocked her head at me. “Explain please Miss Rae.”

Well… crap! 

“Um… do you want to… gain wealth at the cost… the cost of people’s lives and livelihoods?” I really should shut up now. “They’re refugees, feeling from a terrible situation. Can you in good conscience make their lives worse just to appease a rich, arrogant, entitled, racist for a bit of gold? The man is unliked by not only the nobility but his own people.” Shut up. “What does that say about the Inquisition if we rise in power over the suffering of others? Bow to this man for promised gold and you say you are just like every other organization, but… help the refugees. Offer them work and purpose, better their lives? That says you're different. You care. You help. It sends the message to the people that the Inquisition isn’t just looking for the one responsible for the murders at the conclave but is also striving for change… not only a better life for others but to do what is right. That in my opinion will gain far more influence and support in the long run that this… noble can ever hope to give. It’s a stepping stone. Help the refugees, give them food, offer shelter and protection and I believe the Commander will have many more recruits to train, and your influence among the people will grow. Because in the big Tapestry of things it's the little threads that count, without them the entire thing unravels.” Crap, I just gave a speech didn’t I? Crap!

Josephine was smiling smugly and Leliana looked… I was hesitant to say pleased, but she did look like she was right. I chanced a glance at Cullen who I had been purposefully not looking at, to find his head bowed as he leaned against the table. 

I was suddenly very aware of how quiet it was… was this a test? Was this to prove I was a Spy or something? Was I going to die? It was the pilaf wasn’t it? Too much? I was going to die because of a pilaf. 

  
  



	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: Verbal abuse, extreme physical abuse, panick attacks

I didn’t die! Amazing, I know. It was probably the french toast. If I ever got in a position to sell it I could coin the slogan, ‘so good it’ll save your life’. Too much? Probably. 

Leliana thanked me, then handed me her plate and… I was dismissed. Just like that, Okay. I couldn’t complain. I was alive. 

I rushed back to the kitchen just in time for the breakfast rush and tried not to think about it too much. Garth was wide eyed everytime I handed him and Meraad bits of bread and cheese and apple slices to eat throughout the day, whispering a polite ‘thank you’ each time. 

I took the time between lunch and dinner rush to bake another batch of cookies… oatmeal and honey this time. I was a little anxious about coming back to Solas’ cabin with another kid… so I wasn’t going in empty handed and since the cake had… strange reactions… cookies should be safe, right? I was not above bribery. Hopefully the bribery worked so I didn’t have to drop the ‘conclave’ bit because I think the guilt card might hit differently when he knows I know who he is… 

Anyway… I left the tavern early, just in case I had to come back and bed down with Lionel by the fire. I wrapped my cloak around Garth and gave Meraad the ‘important charge’ of carrying the plate of cookies. Solas seemed to have trouble saying no to her… yes, I would use a child as a bargain chip too.

I had to stop and take a deep, bracing breath before opening the door to Solas’ cabin. He was bent over a pile of books on his desk again, scribbling away as if he already knew what he was going to write. He glanced up from his writing to give me a tentative smile and a good evening, and then went back to his writing. Only to pause and turn back to look at Garth, whose head was peeking out of my cloak.

His mouth quirked and he stood up. “I will see if I can procure another cot.” 

Wait. Just like that?

The cookies were not needed as a bribe but served as a thank you anyway… a thank you he had to share with the kids… because Meraad was getting bold and snatched four from the plate and gave two to Garth. Solas seemed pleased with it though, and complimented her on sharing. 

Garth was staring at the cookies with wide eyes and then leaned over to whisper to Meraad. “Will we always get this much food?”

She nodded and shoved a cookie into her mouth to make a wide gesture with both hands. Lots. Then she put her fingers up against her head like horns and made an even wider gesture. 

Oh. The Iron Bull gave her a lot too. But Garth didn’t know him… yet. I had to resign myself to the fact that he would through Meraad. I doubted I could keep her away from him, no matter what I tried. 

While they ate cookies, Solas closed his books and worked with me on my magic… fire… I burned myself twice before refusing to try again with the kids so close. I was not going to endanger them. 

So we moved on, and with a little begging… okay a lot of begging, he gave in and tried to teach me ‘domestic magics’… we practiced on a small bowl of water, he was stirring it with only magic, then slowly went faster, until he was practically using his magic as a blender. I might have squealed! I did, judging by the way he winced. 

But when I grasped the spell and then tried stirring it, the water sprayed everywhere, much to the kids’ delight and my embarrassment. 

Solas made a snorting sound and I looked over at him to find him covering his mouth with his hand. “I perhaps should have told you to use a barrier to keep it in the bowl.” I gave him a flat look and he lost it. Giggling Dread Wolf was still not something I was used to.

The next day, when I went to deliver the tea to Leliana’s tent, she took her cup then drank it silently, flipping through a few sheets of paper I had delivered the other day. Then informed me of needing four plates… again. Okay.

I made breakfast and delivered it… then was forced to stay and eat while they talked, for the most part, I was able to keep my head down and waited until I could escape. They seemed to wait to ask me my ‘opinion’ right before I started to clear away their plates. There were a lot of things they were dealing with that weren't covered by the game. So I was mostly able to honestly answer. “I have no opinion Ma’am.”

Then I was dismissed. Thank goodness. I returned to Flissa’s too late to help with preparing for breakfast rush but Lionel and Brea had it well in hand. Garth and Meraad were a handful and already partners in crime it seemed as I saw them very quietly sneaking behind Brea with a handful of flour each. I pretended not to see what they were up to but burst into laughter at Brea’s yelp, then laughed some more as he chased both giggling kids around the tables in the front, much to everyone's entertainment. Even the soldiers would help them get away from Brea by subtly blocking his way. It was nice. 

Sage had taken residence on Flissa's counter, watching the door and accepting ear scratches from me whenever I walked by.

Varric came by between lunch… with another bundle of pink fabric. My heart clenched as I unfurled it to find a dress, just a bit past Meraad’s size for her to grow into. He was claiming her too. I closed my eyes and tried very hard not to let my unease show as Varric helped me pen a thank you note to Krem… it was shaky but it was in my hand. She did need clothes and The Iron Bull could probably provide for her better than I could. He wouldn’t hurt a kid. Cole said so. 

It was frustrating to have to learn a new way to write… in the exact same language but different alphabet. And it was while I was shakily copying the odd letters that I realized I had two children, three if you included Brea, that I was responsible for, and that meant schooling. 

“Umm, Varric?”

“Hmm?” He looked up from the letters he was writing while I was copying the alphabet. 

Crap, he probably had too much to do then teach a bunch of kids how to read… I started to shake my head but he sat up and grinned. "No, no, I think I sensed a request for help in that open book of a face of yours. Let me hear it." 

“I… the kids… can you… teach them too?” I forced out, feeling completely awkward. “I mean, you don’t have to, it can wait until I’ve figured it-“

"I'd be happy to, Sunshine." Varric cut off my back pedalling. "On one condition." I tensed, wary of what he might want for such a huge favor. "You make me those cinnamon things." 

I sighed in relief. That I could do. I held out my hand and grinned. “Cinnamon rolls, done.” 

And that was how I started wrangling two kids and a teenager into sitting with me between lunch and dinner rush to learn how to read. 

After the last time I cried on Varric’s shoulder in the kitchen, I was determined to be more cheerful and happy around the kids, no matter how my day goes they should never have to worry about me. They should be happy. Their childhood here may suck but I was determined to give them something. So I developed a ritual of sorts, there was a barrel outside of the back door, and I would lay my hand on it before going in and... just exhale, imagining everything was just laid down on that barrel and it had no place in my kitchen. So I left it there outside of that door. (for as long as I could. Nope. Not thinking about it. I was going to pull a Scarlett O’Hara and think about it tomorrow.)

It worked. I was able to walk in and give them both hugs and smiles genuinely. I was more efficient, resulting in more time to bake cookies and pies.

One day we had started baking a small apple pie for dessert to surprise Solas and Garth dropped the pan, thankfully without filling, but his eyes watered with tears and when I moved to help him clean it up and he flinched back. I froze, my heart breaking at the sight. That… that wasn’t right. 

I tried not to show my distress and smiled. “Hakuna Matata!” I said cheerfully and wiped up the mess easily, tossing the ruined crust away and rinsing out the pan. It was mine, I had bought the flour. “Come on, let’s do it again.”

He swallowed and hesitantly moved to stand on the chair next to me as I rolled out a slightly thinner crust. He was silent for several moments before. “You-you’re not angry?”

“Nope.” I smiled and handed him and Meraad a piece of dough to play with. “Hakuna Matata. There’s no reason to be mad over an accident.” 

Meraad blinked at me then looked at Garth and shrugged. Garth looked at me and frowned, “Hacoon tata?”

Thank you, Disney! “Hakuna matata, it’s a motto.” I waited, holding my breath and hoping, then-

“What’s a motto?”

“Nothing, what’s a motto with you?” Garth and Meraad both dissolved into giggles.

And that was how we all ended out belting out ‘Hakuna Matata’ from the Lion King while the pie cooked. The kids loved it, and I was suddenly very proud that my earlier years of binging Disney movies actually came in handy. So of course, because I was feeling great, I turned around to find a stranger in my kitchen watching me. I may have defensively grabbed a wooden spoon before realizing it was-

“Maryden?” Yup, Maryden was in my kitchen. 

She smiled and extended her hand to shake. “Hello, I didn’t know my reputation preceded me.”

Uhh. I was able to shake myself out of my stunned stuper to take her hand but words weren’t forthcoming. 

“She’s the cook.” Lionel said and Maryden made a little ‘ah’ sound as if that explained… 

“Well, Miss Cook,” She grinned and oh, that wasn’t actually my name, but- “Would you mind if you sang it again? I think I almost have the tune.” 

“Uhh-” the kids didn’t let me get much else out before beginning to belt it out again… okay, I guessed I really couldn’t get in trouble for plagiarism here. By the time I left to go back to Solas’ cabin, my voice was tired and the kids were skipping beside me as we made our way to the door, then they knocked on the door and stepped back to wait with big grins for Solas to open it. 

After a moment the door swung open and Solas appeared with a bemused expression that fell to one of… loss when his eyes fell on the pie and the children. He closed his eyes tightly and inhaled shakily before putting on a smile. “Da’linen.” 

“Surprise!” Garth shouted while Meraad swung her hands out wide with a grin. 

“Hey, we brought dessert.” I smiled, hoping he didn’t have the same problem with pies as he did with cakes. 

“We made it.” Garth announced proudly.

Solas throat worked before he put his smile back on. “You… did well.” 

Okay… maybe it was dessert in general? I felt bad as he obviously soldiered through whatever was bothering him for the kids’ sake. I hadn’t meant to upset him again… it was a treat. But after we tucked the kids into bed he caught my arm. “Thank you.” He said quietly, and then went to bed.

...The Dread Wolf was a little… odd… and a huge softy, don’t tell the dalish.

A fact that reasserted itself when I woke to find him humming Hakuna Matata to Meraad as he tried to get shoes onto her feet. She kept kicking at the last moment so the shoe would go flying and then giggle when Garth brought it back. I may have indulged myself and just watched him struggle good naturedly until finally he caught her feet and narrowed his eyes at her. “What is your demand?”

She touched her ears, then pointed at his, then pointed at his feet. He blinked and then glanced down at his feet. “Oh.” 

I may have fan girl squeaked when he produced wraps from one of his back pockets and actually wrapped her feet (though it went halfway up her legs because she was tiny) for her. That… was adorable. Meraad looked absolutely smug and kicked her feet out proudly as we walked to the tavern. She made Lionel and Brea admire them. It was cute.

I brought breakfast for the council, and there was another order for four plates. I sighed in resignation at spending another awkward breakfast with them talking over my head and made pancakes and carried it up to the council. Thanks to the handy dandy warming spell Solas taught me, they were piping hot when I came in. Yay for ‘domestic magics’!

Of course, they made me stay and I picked at the food on my plate as they talked and tried to keep my head down. Except-

“Warden Blackwall has been found and will be returning with the Herald. This of course, opens up the possibility of using the Warden Treaties for the Inquisition’s benefit.” 

I couldn’t help it, I made a noise in the back of my throat because that was a terrible idea for a lot of reasons, not including Thom Rainier. The conversation halted and I felt my stomach twist as they all looked at me. Leliana raised an eyebrow. “Opinion, Miss Rae?”

“Um…” I fidgeted. “I…”

“Please, Miss Rae.” Josephine gave me a smile. 

“It’s just… the treaties are for the Blight? For when… the Grey Wardens need help in a state of extreme need.”

“Wouldn’t you say this counts as a time of great need?” Leliana asked and I raised my eyebrows, because really she should know better! She traveled with the hero… who I still did not know who that was. Wonderful reminder. 

“We need support, but… if we… you,” I was so going to die. “I just think that using a treaty set in place for a specific group to deal with a specific emergency just shows that we… you don’t care. That we’re willing to use whatever will give us power for any reason… That we’re… power hungry and corrupt.” They were all staring at me and I felt my pulse hammering away. Keep your mouth shut, woman. “I just… hope that the Inquisition is actually trying to help, not scrabble for power…” you did not keep your mouth shut, idiot.

Cullen’s jaw was ticking. That… was not a good sign.

Leliana studied me for a moment before picking up a quill and scratching a line across a paper. “Thank you, Miss Rae. You may go if you wish.”

I did. I really wished to go. So I did. And thus, I survived speaking out in yet another meeting. Surprising really… I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.

And it did…

In the form of-

“The Herald has returned!” Someone shouted. 

That. 

Another shouted, “Someone find that knife ear healer!” The shouter winced when I glared at him and amended, “The elf!”

Oh crap! I rushed to the gate because… what if it was Cassandra or Vivienne or- “I don’t want the elf! Just let Stitches sew it up.” The Iron Bull. 

“If you want to regain use of that arm, I would suggest allowing me to assist you.” Solas said, and I felt caught between staying and trying to make sure that The Iron Bull didn’t lash out at him and fleeing. 

The Iron Bull made a growling sound, “I don’t-“

“It’s hard to punch rats if you can’t extend your arm.” Solas hissed. 

“Don’t be as dumb as you appear, darling.” Vivienne said in a bored tone. “Let the nice elf heal you.” 

What? No she didn’t-

Right. Mask. Vivienne. 

I caught sight of Maxwell’s eyes on me and decided to flee. I stayed firmly inside the tavern. There was a fight in front of the Chantry. I heard about it as I served lunch. Solas was still healing The Iron Bull, and I set aside some ram and dumplings (because chickens were still for laying) for him in case he needed the extra energy. 

And then… Maxwell’s dinner… I hesitated at the door and Lionel gave me a thumbs up.

“It’ll be alright.” 

I nodded gratefully and headed for Maxwell’s cabin. He let me in with his usual curt, ‘enter’, and then he just narrowed his eyes at me. “One, two, three-”

There was a knock on the door and Maxwell’s mouth thinned into an angry line as he stood. Crap. “Come in.” Varric came in with some complaints and I slipped away.

I was almost to the back door of the tavern when pain suddenly lanced through my head and chest and I fell to my knees as my magic was ripped away. I barely had time to gasp in pain before a metal gauntleted hand was slammed over my mouth and I was picked up and pinned back against an armored chest. “Stay quiet, mage. It wouldn’t be any trouble at all to break your neck.” A man hissed into my ear. 

I swallowed down the spike of fear and considered screaming… but Lionel… he was the only one close by and he didn’t have a chance. I felt like puking as the templar dragged me through the darkened paths of Haven. There were people scrambling and hurrying about but they didn’t seem to notice me being dragged off and I didn’t dare try to scream for help with the templar’s threats. I didn’t want to die.

I couldn’t help a whimper when he pulled me past Haven’s gates and into the snow and the templar cast another smite and I felt my vision fuzz out with black spots as the ability seemed to tear into the hollow pain in my chest. I must have blacked out for a bit because the next thing I knew I was being thrown onto a hard surface, my head bouncing painfully against it. 

My body gave into the urge to puke, and I could hear the templar cursing as if through a tunnel, only a few words filtering through. ‘Mage’, ‘knife ear’, and ‘Herald’. 

A blast of cold air had me moaning and trying to push myself up, and then a rough hand grabbed my upper arm and yanked me up and into… I felt like puking again. A chair. I panted and tried to focus as Maxwell crouched in front of me.

“You.” He seethed. “You have been very, very bad, Kitten.” 

I couldn’t answer, my vision spotted and my head throbbed.

“You have been nothing but trouble. I should have let you rot in the cell.” He stood and then I felt a sharp, stinging pain across my face before I registered that he had slapped me. “Everything I try to do for you! Protect you from the Commander and Spymaster, keep you from the brute. Try to teach you how to survive.” He slapped me again and I felt a well of copper across my tongue and then the pain from my lip cutting on my teeth. 

He grabbed my jaw and yanked my face towards him and I struggled to focus on his face. It looked twisted with fury and I started to cry. I hurt, everything hurt. I just wanted to disappear. “I even try to help you control your magic, and what do you do?” He shoved me by my jaw and hit me again and I fell helplessly out of the chair with a pained cry. “You start turning them against me. Get them all panting after you like the whore you are.”

I felt his fingers grab at my hair but the short strands slipped out of his hand. He grabbed my by the back of the neck with a bruising grip instead and hauled me back up into the chair. “Sit up, you pathetic thing.” 

I gripped the seat of the chair to try and hold myself upright but my head was throbbing and swimming and I felt stabbing, aching pains in my chest with every sob. My ears were ringing as he hit me again.

“You haven’t even been telling me what I need to know to keep people safe, stupid girl. Time magic?” 

I heard the clink of a buckle and panic clawed its way through the roiling dizziness surrounding me. “No-”

There was a sharp crack and I fell out of the chair as a line of fire lit up on my arm. “You didn’t tell me about the time magic?” This time I heard the whistle of a belt through the air before it landed across my shoulders and I sobbed in agony. It hurt just like I re- 

“Time magic? Telling lies to the council about me? Turning my allies against me? Trying to undermine me?” Every accusation was followed with his belt and I covered my head and tried not to scream when the belt cut across the backs of my wrists. Screaming made it worse. Three more if you scream. Don’t scream. “You are weak. Pathetic.”

Don’t scream. It’s for my own good. Don’t scream.

The belt fell again, the tip curling around my wrists and head to clip my eyelid-

I screamed, the sound catching in my throat as cold air washed over me, freezing and biting and I couldn’t breathe, my lungs caught between the instinct to scream and the instinct to inhale. 

“What are you doing?” Cullen. Templar. Loud. Angry. 

I curled up around my empty chest and covered my head.

“I caught her using blood magic.” Maxwell said calmly. 

My heart froze and if I hadn’t already vomited I would have again. Cullen was a templar. Blood magic…

I heard quick footsteps towards me and curled up tighter as if my tiny, weak, useless arms could protect me from his sword. There was a loud sound of flesh hitting flesh, but no pain. Something heavy fell beside me and… I hurt too much to be dead. There was blood trickling down my face and arms and my tears were stinging when they ran into my lip and eyes…

Maxwell laughed, but it sounded strained. “So she got you between her legs too?” 

There was another heavy sound of someone being hit, but I didn’t feel it. It was quiet around me and I braced myself for another...

“Miss Rae?” Cullen said softly. 

“I’m not-” I could barely force the words out. “I’m not a-” I shook when I felt something touch my wrists. “I’m not a blood mage! I’m sorry! I’m not!”

“Commander?!” Cassandra. Loud. Angry. 

“I’m n-not-“ I flinched and pushed back as I felt myself being lifted. No nononono. “N-no! Please, I’m n-“

“I know,” Cullen said, suddenly very quiet, gentle. “Miss Rae, I know you’re not a blood mage.” 

“How can you know that?” Cassandra said sharply.

There was a pause and then Cullen said flatly. “If she had been, the Herald would have been dead the second he drew blood.” 

“I didn’t- I didn’t! I’m sorry!” I shook my head and tried to push back but his hand was there. 

“I know. Miss Rae you need to hold still.”

“He’s trying to help.” Cole. “Cold, tight, can’t come out until you’re good. Quiet, still. Shouldn’t have screamed. Worse if you scream.” 

I shook my head. I didn’t- don’t want to think about that… that… “no please!” I was sobbing again. I was pathetic. 

“He’s not going to lock you up in the cold.” Cole said urgently. “She needs to be warm.” 

“Maker.” Cassandra. Disgusted. 

“Take the Herald to his cabin and keep him there.” Cullen said sharply and I tried to curl up but he was carrying me like I was nothing.

“There were others. One to catch the whore and the other to silence the knife ear.” Cole said. “He’s afraid of her.”

“Can you find them?”

“Yes. I’ll bring them to the Chantry for you.”

I could hear them but it felt like echoes. It was cold and I was trapped and everything hurt. I was aware of being wrapped in something. Krem’s voice somewhere. Varric… angry. 

I heard Adan... felt something being pressed to my mouth. Magebane. No! I jerked away and tried to fight... to push. 

“Sunshine, stay still.” Varric… but…

“I don’t- I’m sorry! I don’t n-need it, I can keep it in! I won’t- I won’t-”

“It’s not magebane, Lethallan.” Solas. He sounded pained and exhausted. 

“WHERE IS SHE?!” The Iron Bull shouted and I felt the urge to puke again.

“No! Nonono, I’m sorry! I don’t-” I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t- I couldn’t-

“Iron Bull, now is not the time!” Leliana. Calm but angry. 

No! I needed - I needed to get away- away.

“Bull! You are not helping.” Solas growled, “Wisdom, please, I cannot.” I heard a door close and muffled shouting. 

“You- supposed- have her!” The Iron Bull was shouting. I wanted to disappear, I wanted the kids… I wanted my kitchen. I didn’t want this!

I felt my head swimming and then there was something warm and soft on my chest. Purring. I felt a nose brush against my chin. Sage? Sage was here. 

“Miss Rae, you need to drink this.” Adan said. “It’s a healing potion.” 

A healing potion. Sage purred and I felt her paws work at the fabric of my shirt. A healing potion. Sage was here. It was okay if Sage was here. Wasn’t it? I felt tired… so tired. 

I felt something pressed to my mouth and I wanted to flinch away, but Sage was here so it was alright. I swallowed, it tasted horrible. I wanted to gag. I didn’t. Sleep? I was tired. Sleep? Could I sleep? Sage was here. Sage always slept with me. Sleep?

“Sleep.” 

Yeah, I could do that.

  
  



	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As apology here is a fluff chapter :)

I don’t remember falling asleep, or sleeping, or waking up really. There was an odd itching on my skin and my chest ached. I blinked my eyes open and then felt my stomach drop at the sight of the sun through the window. I was late.

“Oh, no.” I tried to sit up but was almost immediately pushed back down. I flinched and tried to scramble away, covering my head with my arms when my back hit a wall.

“Oh dear.” A man said. “Forgive me, they warned me you were skittish but I forgot myself.”

I slowly pulled my head out of my arms in confusion. “Dorian?” 

He cocked his head at me, then smiled. “Well, you must not have been as out of it as they thought.” 

Oh. Right… because I hadn’t met him. “I wasn’t spying.”

He waved his hand dismissively, then grimaced and put it back in his lap when I flinched at the sudden movement. “If you had been at the time I would have been most impressed. Quite the kerfuffle.” 

I blinked at him, confused. What? But… I was late and I needed to get to work. They’d be angry. “May… may I go, sir?” 

Dorian made a ‘tisking’ sound and I flinched, because what if-?

“I am fairly convinced if I let you get up yet, half of Haven will be calling for my head.” He laughed and moved forward to pour a glass of water. “And while it is a lovely head, if I do say so myself, I prefer to keep it where it is.”

That… sounded like the Dorian I knew but… I glanced around to find myself in a large unfamiliar bed. “W-where am I… sir?”

“I believe we are in the Ambassador’s room.” Dorian said as he handed the glass to me, only to huff at the sluggish, clumsy way my hand moved and stepped closer. I flinched back and he stilled. “I’m not going to hurt you, dove.” 

I immediately felt terrible for my reaction. “I’m so-“

“Don’t apologize.” He carefully reached out and cupped the back of my head to tip the glass for me to drink. “I’m aware I’m terrible at this. That apostate of yours was simply adamant that I would be the least threatening face to wake to. Which, while it is an excellent face to wake to, I’m not sure why he thought the ‘Tevinter Magister’ was the least threatening…” He sighed dramatically. “Strange, I know. The Tevinter mage? Least threatening? I feel offended really.”

I… didn’t know how to reply to that. Or if I was supposed to. I simply tried to focus on the water. 

There was a soft meow and then Sage jumped up onto my legs. I clumsily pet her as she sniffed at my belly. She was alright. 

Dorian made a slight irritated, huffing sound. “Wonderful, a cat… just what I needed; red, watery eyes are not an attractive trait, my dear.”

My eyes widened and I shoved Sage behind me. “She’s not-”

Immediately he backed up and he held up his hands. “I’m not going to touch the cat.” He paused and studied me before sighing. “He really did a number on you, didn’t he?” 

Was that a rhetorical question? Or was I supposed to answer? Before I could figure that out, Sage slipped out from behind me and then jumped on Dorian’s legs, stretching up to put her paws on his chest and look at his face. He blinked and then scowled. “Well. If the damage is already done…” He ran a hand down her spine and an expression of delight crossed his face as he pet her. “Well… they’re softer than I remembered.”

I watched as he curled his fingers down her back, then under her chin. He made an absolutely delighted sound when she began purring. He looked like he was about to say something but the door opened. 

Leliana came into the room and Dorian sighed and gently pushed Sage from his lap. “See you later, dove.” He then stood and gave her an extravagant bow before leaving, shutting the door behind himself. She moved slowly over and sat in the chair he had been in, and I felt my pulse pick up. Was I in trouble for…? Sage jumped up into her lap and she started petting her.

“The Templars that attacked you and Solas have been arrested. We are trying to find the appropriate punishment for them, but for now, they are confined and unable to do any more harm.”

What was I supposed to say? “Thank you?” 

Her eyes flicked over me before her lips pressed together tightly. “It should have never happened. Which leads me to a… delicate problem. Since Trevelyan stabilized the breach, we have been using his image and name to gather support, gain influence, so on. He has people who worship him, people who follow him, and people he has bribed.”

I felt my stomach drop in terror. 

“While he has lost a considerable amount of goodwill with this… ‘stunt’, he is still a powerful man.” She sighed and ran a hand over Sage’s back, “Power we gave him.”

I knew all of this… was it a threat? Or a warning to just stay quiet? Or…?

“It will take time to unravel it in a manner that will not destroy the Inquisition.” She was quiet for a moment. “I am taking him to Redcliff in the hour. I will be taking Varric Tethras, Altus Pavus, and Seeker Cassandra with me.”

Why was she telling me this?

“What is your opinion on that?” She said quietly. 

I hesitated. “Dorian- I mean, Altus Pavus is… a very, very talented mage. He should stay close to the Herald because of the mark.” That was vague enough, right?

“Because of the time magic.” She nodded. “The Templars are being solely blamed for the violence inflicted on you and Solas. They will be made an example of to ensure that the mages will be safe from any further extreme reactions.” She sighed slightly. “I have spoken with the others and we have a… plan in place to disrupt Trevelyan’s influence. It, unfortunately, will take time. I hope you forgive us… me, for not intervening sooner.”

With that, she set Sage onto the bed with me and stood and left. Leaving me blinking in surprise and disbelief at the door.

I sat in the massive bed. Alone. Sage bumped her head against my shoulder, purring loudly, comforting. Not alone. 

Part of me was screaming that I needed to get up, I needed to get work. But Sage jumped on my lap and she felt heavy… not uncomfortably but heavy. Too heavy to bother moving.

It wasn’t long before I heard a knock. I hesitated before saying ‘come in’, and then the door opened to reveal an exhausted Solas and then, bare moments later, Meraad and Garth behind him. Meraad saw me and immediately took off running towards me, then scrambled onto the bed to wrap her arms around my neck. Garth took a moment longer, until I reached out a hand to him, and then he was tearing up and running to me, though he was very, very careful as he climbed in to hug me.

I held them tightly and then looked at Solas in concern. “Are you alright?”

He nodded and eased into the chair. “Yes. Cole intervened before any true harm was done.” He sighed. “I… was caught unawares. Ir abelas.” 

“You don’t have anything to apologize for.” I hugged the kids to me, wondering what all they knew… I didn’t want them to know. They don’t need that.

He laughed and the sound was a little hollow. “You are very, very wrong on that account.” He sighed and then put on a smile. “But, the spymaster is going to Redcliff and you and I both have the day off from our duties.” His smile faltered for a bit before he added. “The Iron Bull has politely requested to see you. He… has someone he wishes for you to meet.” He must have seen the panic on my face at the thought because he quickly added, “Cole and Lady Vivienne both have agreed to escort him in, and out, if you decide you wish to, but I do believe you should hear him out, Lethallan.”

Crap! My stomach dropped as I hugged the kids tightly and… “Can’t I see him in the kitchen?” My voice sounded very small. “He’s… nice in the kitchen.” 

Solas’ jaw ticked before he smiled. “I can insist he behave as he would in the kitchen.” 

I swallowed and then felt a small hand on my cheek and looked over to find Garth looking at me with a very determined express. “I can be with you.”

I closed my eyes, my heart hurting, that was my job, I was supposed to reassure him. That… that wasn’t right. “Thank you, sweetheart.” I kissed his forehead and then nodded to Solas over his head. Alright. I could do this. 

Solas slipped out and was gone for barely a minute before the door opened and I felt my stomach swoop and twist as The Iron Bull ducked through. Vivienne and Cole were right behind him, Solas too, but… I blinked at the sight of a small child with their hand in The Iron Bull’s. A boy with wide hazel eyes, sandy hair sticking in all sorts of directions… I would have mistaken him for just a young human if not for the dark tattoo on his cheek. He was a dwarf. Carta. When he saw me looking at him he ducked to hide behind one of The Iron Bull’s legs as he stopped in the middle of the room. The Iron Bull eyed me before looking away with the slightest of snarls.

“Not here. Too sharp.” Cole said softly. Warning.

“Right.” The Iron Bull huffed and then he tilted his head towards the kid holding his hand. “You’re good with kids. I found this one alone in the Hinterlands. You got room for him? I can pay for their keep.” 

I had to blink for a moment… The Iron Bull was asking me to take in another kid? Not that I wouldn’t but… what? I glanced at Solas uncertainly. We were staying with him, in his place, and I had already taken in two kids… 

Solas gave me a small amused smile. “We can make room, Lethallan.”

Okay… I sat forward and leaned slightly so I could see the boy, he had a white knuckles grip on The Iron Bull’s pants leg and I was again hit with the feeling of wrongness. “Hello, I’m Rae. Who are you?”

The boy peeked out to look at me and then up at The Iron Bull for reassurance and (I had the urge to laugh at the idea that he could be more scared of me then The Iron Bull) When he nodded the boy looked back to me and stepped out a little. “Kalin, ma’am.”

I smiled gently. “Hello, Kalin. These are my other children. Meraad and Garth. Would like to stay with us?” I wanted it to be his choice but tried to already make him feel included by ‘my other children’. 

He looked up at The Iron Bull again and when he didn’t say anything, Kalin looked back at me and hesitantly nodded. Okay… now I had three children I was responsible for. I… could barely keep myself out of trouble. But whatever. I’d do my best. I had to. They needed someone.

While I was internally freaking out and flailing over that, Meraad jumped down from the bed and walked over to take both Kalin and The Iron Bull’s hands and lead them over to the bed. 

I forced myself not to flinch, reminding myself that he had promised to act as he did in the kitchen… and the kids were here. Cole, Vivienne, and Solas were here. He wouldn’t do anything. 

The Iron Bull seemed hesitant but allowed Meraad to lead him. When she tried to pull him onto the bed he stopped with a glance from me to Vivienne. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, little one. I’ll break it.” 

She scrunched up her nose and looked him up and down before apparently accepting that with a pout. She frowned in obvious though before pointing imperiously at the floor right next to the bed. The Iron Bull sighed and knelt down to sit on the floor where she had pointed. He was still able to see me perfectly from the position. 

Garth nudged Meraad with a nervous, “Are you sure he’s okay?”

Meraad nodded and put her fingers up against the sides of her head, then pointed at The Iron Bull’s horns before climbing into The Iron Bull’s lap.

Garth’s eyes widened. “Oh. You’re the food guy.” That apparently was all the prompting Garth needed before he got down and held out his hand to The Iron Bull. “I’m Garth.” 

"The Iron Bull." He said quietly and it was in the soft tone he used in the kitchen. 

Cole climbed into the bed next to me and pulled me onto his lap, resting his chin on the top of my head. “I couldn’t be in two places at once. I tried, but I had to save the wolf before I stopped the rat.”

Solas winced and sat back down in the chair. "Not in front of the children, Cole."

“They can’t hear me.” He hugged me tighter and I gave him a grateful squeeze. I just listened as Garth talked to Kalin and The Iron Bull, telling him about the food that’s always there and the games they play and that they don't get hit if they drop stuff and even started singing Hakuna Matata 

Vivienne moved gracefully to the bed and perched on the edge. "May I look at your eye, darling? The potion seems to have dealt with the worst of it but no potion can match a good spell." 

“Yes, ma’am. Please.” I smiled tiredly and leaned back against Cole as she started casting. I felt the familiar itch of healing spell, then yawned as soon as she finished. “How can I still feel tired? How long have I been in bed?”

“Healing takes energy, darling. Not just from the mage but your own.” 

Oh… “I said that aloud?”

"It happens." She sounded amused.

"You slept the night and till midmorning." Solas said and I looked up to see he had his head tipped back on his chair with his eyes closed. He looked so tired. 

"And you?" I asked, then clamped my mouth shut and shrank back into Cole because The Iron Bull didn't like Solas… he might get angry at me showing concern.

The Iron Bull didn’t look up from Meraad or the kids who had all climbed into his lap… Kalin was smiling and chatting shyly with Garth while Meraad was playing with a string on The Iron Bull's wrist.

“I will sleep when Trevelyan is no longer a threat.” Solas sighed and rubbed his eyes. 

"An admirable sentiment, but that is going to be some time." Vivienne snarked, actually snarked. "Perhaps simply resting once he is beyond the gates would be more practical?" 

“You can-“ I slammed my mouth shut and paled when I realized I had already started scooting over to make room. The Iron Bull’s hand tightened into a fist but seemed to relax almost instantly as Meraad started unraveling and braiding the string.

"Solace for the killer and none for the  heart . The false faces cut the lines into bleeding ribbons to be sewn up into a name." Cole whispered and I looked up at him in confusion but he just smiled and kissed my temple oldly. “Not yet.”

I was tired and Solas was smiling at me sadly. “Sleep, Lethallan. I will be fine.” 

I yawned and leaned my head against Cole’s shoulder. Sage had jumped back into my lap and I absently started petting her fur. Why was I always tired? Sage was a good cat.

I only remembered a bit of the fade, sitting in the kitchen, alone except for Sage who sat in my lap. I think I just sat there… and petted her fur all night. It always seemed softer in the Fade. 

I woke to childish giggles and shushing that made me smile before I even was able to force my eyes open. The kids had surprised me with breakfast they made with help from Lionel. (Apparently I had slept a good eighteen hours because it was morning again) Brea was with them this morning and came over to sit on the bed and hug me… only the hug turned into a group hug that turned into all the kids piled on the bed cuddling while I regaled them at Garth’s request with a story. Guess who pulled out Disney again? Yup. This time I told Beauty and The Beast, I even sang ‘Be Our Guest’ in a ridiculous french accent to get more giggles out of them. 

By the time I was done, it was lunch time and Brea said goodbye, giving me another hug. Lionel came in with lunch, a toasted cheese sandwich, and took the kids with him to go back to the kitchen. I asked him about Solas… he was sleeping. Leliana had taken Maxwell, Cassandra, Varric, and Dorian with her to go back to Redcliffe, and he took Vivienne’s advice. 

After lunch, Josephine came in and asked if she could have tea with me… weird, but I agreed and we sat and drank tea while she spoke of Antiva and her family. 

I listened quietly, just enjoying the tea and her reminiscing. I waited until we were putting our cups back on the tray to thank her for letting me use her room but she only smiled and waved away my thanks and carried out the tray. It was really weird to be in bed almost all day. By evening I was restless and took advantage of being alone to climb out of the bed… only to find my boots were missing. 

I tried to search to see if they had been tucked aside, but I didn’t really dare open any of the cabinets or chests and be accused of snooping, so… 

I gave up and decided to just make use of the washstand and quickly washed myself with a washcloth, the water was cold and when I tried to cast a warming spell my chest was achy and hollow. Nope not yet. So it was a brisk sponge bath-ish… I still didn’t feel exactly clean but it was better than nothing. 

And then… I sat on the edge of the bed. For maybe a minute. Then I started pacing. I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to leave the room… it seemed like they had taken my boots so-

“You can leave. You aren’t locked in. They just want you to rest.” Cole said. “But if you’re too still the hurts get louder. I can help.” 

“Wh- Oh!”

He picked me up princess style and started carrying me off. It was weird… Cole carrying me was- and then he dropped something over me that looked suspiciously like… “Is this Cullen’s?”

Cole smiled. “Yes.” 

Which. What?

“Another crying woman on the floor, bleeding, hurting, and the man says blood mage and they always believe him. He didn't stop them before and it eats at him. He stopped them now.” 

Oh… “Is he okay?” That… that sounds like it triggered him and I winced internally at the memory of the Trespasser summary if he turns back to Lyrium. 

“It hurts, but it’s the hurt of an infection being cut out. A healing hurt. He did the right thing. You always gave him a roll, even when you flinched, you made sure he ate.”

I frowned. “Anyone would.” 

Cole just smiled and didn’t answer as he carried me through Haven. No one stopped us to talk or even looked at us. I wished again for Cole's ability to just disappear, to stay out of others' notice. 

He slipped in through the back door of the tavern with me and Lionel looked up from his bread table with a scowl. “She’s supposed to be resting!”

Flissa ducked her head in and gave a matching scowl and I felt my heart pick up at the obvious disapproval.

“The hurts are too loud.” Cole said, and did an awkward kick thing where he dragged my stepping chair to Lionel’s table with his foot before setting me in it. “No rest in a locked room.” 

Lionel’s eyes widened. “They locked you in?”

“No.” I shook my head. “I just… didn’t know if I was allowed to leave…” crap and now I was thinking about that… I didn’t want to think about that. 

Cole’s hand appeared in front of me with paper and an ink bottle. “New Letters, something to do.” 

Oh… I could do that. I focused on trying to make my hands follow the lines of the unfamiliar glyphs. I passed a good hour, making several copies of the alphabet and my name, the noise and smells of the kitchen were soothing. Familiar. I could hear Maryden strumming her lute, soldiers calling out orders.

There was a clatter of movement outside the door and I lifted my head to see what was going on just as it swung open and the massive form of The Iron Bull ducked in. I froze, some instinct to stay still and unnoticed freezing me in place as he moved into the room. He had all three kids with him, and a crate in his arms. He gave me one of his soft ‘kitchen’ smiles and set the crate on the floor. The kids crowded close as he pried the lid off with just his bare hands. 

“Alright, little ones. I got enough for all of you.” He laughed as they practically swarmed him. I relaxed a little. He was safe around kids. 

He pulled out a stack of books and handed them out, and Garth ran over to show me one of them. “So we can learn to read faster!” He bounced, and then ran back to see what else The Iron Bull was producing. Stacks of paper, boxes of colored wax sticks, charcoals in tins, a book for learning basic arithmetic… Even a set of slates and chalks.

I hadn't realized I was staring open mouthed as he passed out his gifts until he looked at me and I snapped it shut. I should say something? What were you supposed to say when someone put effort into helping you. “Thank you, s-sir.” 

He shrugged a shoulder. “I said I’d help pay for their keep. Here...” He stood slowly from the crate and moved towards me, slowly, each movement easy to anticipate. He set a book on the table by me. I could see a simple drawing of a dragon on the cover. “It’s a book for kids, stories. Easy to read out loud.” 

I swallowed… I could barely write the alphabet let alone read… maybe he thought I could. Maybe he thought I was writing these for the kids. I said a small ‘thank you’ hoping he didn’t see the embarrassment and shame I felt welling in my chest. 

Garth took care of that with his childlike innocence. “She can’t read either, Uncle Varric’s teachin’ us all.”

Wonderful, now my face was burning in earnest embarrassment. What if he thought I was unfit to take care of them? What if-?

“That’s good! Better late than never. Figured it’d be good practice for learning to read. My tama always had us read out loud.” He said before turning back to catch Meraad. “Oh, no. Those aren’t for eating. They're for making pictures.” He said as he pulled a crayon out of her mouth. “Here.” He pulled out a paper and guided her hand to draw a bright red line across it. Her eyes widened in delight. 

Kalin picked up a book from the bottom of the crate and held it out to The Iron Bull shyly, “Read… please?”

And that was how I ended up pouring through a child’s reading primer while The Iron Bull, qunari spy and mercenary, read Thedas’ fairy tales to a trio of children, that all fit in his lap comfortably, in my kitchen. I couldn’t do much more than follow along, but I figured that running my fingers under the words as he read would at least help sink the words into my brain. Maybe? 

In the distant part of my mind I again compared, ‘Kitchen The Iron Bull’ to ‘The Iron Bull’ that terrified me outside of this room and I just felt as if I was missing something… something vital, something important. 

The Iron Bull looked up from the book and I realized I had been studying his face in my thought. I flushed and looked away in embarrassment and a tiny bit of fear, but this was ‘Kitchen The Iron Bull’ and whether it was the kids or just the fact that this place was mine and gave me confidence… I don’t know. But whatever it was somehow I knew he wasn’t going to lash out or berate me for that slip. 

In fact… he had never berated me… ever. I tried to think of a single time he had ever spoken or said anything but a request to me… twice in the tent coming back from Val Royeaux. He told me to be quiet. Then when he tried to run off with me, he asked if the deal still stood and threatened Solas… and aside from a few bruises he hadn’t… actually hurt me. Not like Maxwell… not like...

I peeked back up to look at him as he turned the page, all three kids crowded in his lap. One he brought to me from the hinterlands… an orphan. Because he knew I’d take him. Meraad was playing with the string on his wrist again… and he just let her.  This… It was almost as if he was two people or as if he-

"Not yet." Cole said. "It's still too tangled."

I tried to follow along as The Iron Bull read to them. It was hard to focus. I think I forgot something. He was on a different page. I think. How did I fall behind? I had the feeling that I was missing something, something I forgot. I stood up to check the oven, just in case.

It was empty. I must be more exhausted than I thought. The Iron Bull was watching me and I fidgeted nervously before going to sit back down. I hadn’t asked to get up… and he hadn’t finished the story yet. They wanted me to rest. Can't cook if I'm weak… 

"It's your kitchen." Cole said.

"It’s Flissa's. " I muttered, staring at the page… it was hopeless to try and find my place now. 

"No. She owns the wood, but the heart is yours."

"Who are you again?" Lionel asked curiously.

"Cole. It's alright, people forget me." Cole smiled. "I'm her friend."

I frowned in thought. "Why don't I forget you?"

"You remember me before I knew you." He said and oh. From the book. "We both had a bad day."

The Iron Bull cleared his throat and I jumped. He shut the book, easing the kids off of his lap and slowly stood. “I have to go.” 

Oh right. "Um. Thank you again. For the… " I gestured at the books and he gave me a kitchen soft smile.

"No problem, Rae." Rae… not ‘Kitten’. 

Then he ruffled the kids' hair and left.

There was a beat of silence and then Lionel spoke carefully. "Soooo… What’s going on with him?"

"She really doesn't know." Cole answered.

I really, really didn’t.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because the revelations are close I’ve decided to play hot or cold with everyone’s theories. Because there have been some amazing ones so far and I haven’t been able to say anything without spoilers lol so if you’re close I’ll say warm if you’re Off I’ll say cold. If you're right on top of it I’ll say boiling :)


	20. Chapter 20

The next week was… long. Mostly because I was supposed to be ‘recovering’ and wasn’t allowed to do much more than bake for the kids. Bake snacks for the kids and have reading lessons with Lionel when he had the time. Which… wasn’t all that often as I wasn’t allowed to help so he was basically trying to do my job and his. But every time I tried to get up to help, someone would just make a warning sound in their throat. That someone happened to be The Iron Bull more often than not. With Maxwell gone he practically lived in the kitchen when he wasn’t busy. 

Besides this, I was worried about what was happening at Redcliffe, Leliana was there. That changed. Maxwell wasn’t on good terms with anyone and then more than ever he needed to trust and be trusted….

Crap… what if Dorian wasn’t standing next to him because he didn’t like him? What if they didn’t go back in time together? What if…

I grabbed a piece of paper and started writing notes, in english letters. Ideas, plans of what to do if things went wrong… What I knew that could possibly help. The Jennys, Blades, Avvar, dwarves- I suddenly felt the hair on the back of my neck prickle and glanced back to see The Iron Bull looking over my shoulder. I shrank away from him, but there wasn’t anywhere to really go. Would he… be upset I was writing in a way he couldn’t understand? I didn’t know what to do… 

He just made a quiet sound in his throat. “Looks like lace. It’s pretty.” 

And then he turned and left. Thank heavens I learned calligraphy and actually enjoyed it. 

Lionel would ask my opinion of what to serve meals but wouldn’t let me cook. 

I obeyed for the most part, mostly on threat (it wasn’t actually a threat it was a polite comment) from Solas that not allowing myself to recover would stress the children. But, one evening a scout brought in druffalo meat… I was curious but it didn’t taste like beef, more like goat or mild ram. I was hoping to make burgers… but a savory roast with root vegetables was good too… I ended up directing from my chair because they wouldn’t let me help. I saw Lionel writing away as I instructed Brea exactly how to prepare things and what seasonings and how much to use. 

There was an oddly frequent occurrence of people popping into the kitchen to ask how I was going and to wish me well. It… I didn’t know what to make of it. I told them I was fine and thanked them and because I felt awkward, I gave them a cookie. What else was I supposed to do when a practical stranger came in to ask how you were doing? How many coppers was Flissa getting for allowing them back here? I might have to ask for a cut… I wouldn’t actually though. I caused her enough trouble.

One morning I came in to find Lionel’s head in his hands. He was staring at a piece of paper and I cautiously slid into the seat next to him. “Is everything alright?”

He swallowed and then shoved the paper at me, then winced and pulled it back. “It’s just… the war in Orlais.” He sighed and then shrugged with a bitter air. “I’m the only one left. I inherited everything. This is condolences and congratulations from my father’s steward.”

“That’s horrible.” I blurted out. 

He actually cracked a slight smile. “Thank you.” He then rubbed his temples. “What am I supposed to do with all of that?”

“Well… hiring a more tactful steward might be a good start.” I muttered. Then winced. Because that had probably been not exactly tactful myself.

But Lionel’s eyes widened and he pulled a paper and pen closer to him. “What would you look for in a steward?”

“Um. Well, good at dealing with people, honest, treats non-human races well, listens, not sneaky…” He was writing this down. Why was he writing this down? “Uh…” 

“And then?”

“Um.” What had my classes said about acquiring a new restaurant? “Then you’d probably need to do an audit? Take stock of the assets, investments, favors, contracts, everything that might be owed…” He was still writing this down. “See if anyone was stealing money, check the rent agreements… Then once you know what’s going on, decide what you want to do with it all?”

He sat back and frowned at the paper before giving me a smile, then pressed a quick kiss to my temple before standing and making for the door. “Thank you.” 

Um… “You’re welcome?” He was already out the door. 

Weird. But he had lost his entire estranged family… I just shrugged and turned my attention to the kids. 

Kalin was quiet… not because he couldn’t talk but more that he seemed to be just a naturally shy child. Where Meraad was becoming bold and demanding and Garth was chatty and excitable (once his initial fear of punishment was gone), Kalin was quiet, shy, and serious. 

He preferred to do things by himself and wasn’t big on hugs or cuddles. I learned pretty quickly to ask him if it was alright to give him a hug beforehand, sometimes he would let me but most of the time he shook his head, but that was okay. I knew he didn’t mean anything bad by it… Some kids just didn’t like touch. He started giving me things instead of hugs, a rock here, a flower there, a picture he made with the colors The Iron Bull had brought them. 

Meraad drew The Iron Bull in almost all of her drawings and I smiled and complimented her on them even as my stomach twisted. The Iron Bull brought the children new belts and hats, and the next morning I hesitantly pulled out the pink shirt and dress Krem had sent. I hadn’t worn it, too… scared of what it meant, but…

The Iron Bull took good care of the children. Better care than I could by myself. He… hadn’t really hurt me. Not like… Could I…? Could I… acknowledge his... claim? For them? My stomach flipped anxiously but I put on the pink shirt and put Meraad in the pink dress. I had for Solas… I could for the kids. Solas gave me a tight smile when he saw us wearing them, but complemented Meraad on her new dress, then hugged me like he knew I needed it. 

He knew what they meant.

I found myself jittery as I directed the breakfast bustle. With Leliana gone, there was no council to serve, but I still made sure that I made something easy to digest for Cullen. Brea carried it out to him for me since I was still under instructions to ‘rest’. 

I washed his cloak… it had little brown spots on it, dried blood. My blood, my mind supplied unhelpfully as I had scrubbed at them. I had to be careful with the fur collar but once I was satisfied it was clean, I hung it to dry by the stove and decided to bake him a thank you… but his stomach probably bothered him more often than not, so nothing heavy or rich. I decided on honey drizzled rolls and tried to deliver them myself to thank him for intervening, but he wasn’t at his tent when I got there. He was probably running drills… so I left the cloak folded on his desk with the plate of rolls next to it. I wished I had thought to get Lionel to help me write a thank you note but… this should be enough, right? 

Josephine started braving the snow to actually come to sit in the kitchen and eat her breakfast with us. Her visits were always nice and I was pretty sure Kalin was smitten with her. Only…

“You haven’t picked up your pay.” She said before blowing delicately on her french toast and taking a bite. 

Right, because Maxwell had been picking it up and giving it to me, “Oh… I guess I forgot.”

Josephine gave me a sympathetic smile that told me she wasn’t going to ask anymore (for which I was grateful, because I did not feel ready to talk about that right now) and pulled out a pouch from beneath her cloak and set it on the table. 

It… was a lot heavier than it should have been. I frowned and hesitantly opened it and, yeah that was way, way more than it should be.

“Is there something wrong?” She asked delicately.

“Oh. No, it’s just… I think there’s too much?”

“No, that is the same amount we have been paying for…” she paused and then closed her eyes. “It is as much as you should have been receiving.” 

Oh… Maxwell. Well, at least I had more money for the kids. 

Other than that Josephine’s visits were nice. 

Ugh… I hated resting. I… needed a hobby. Something useful. Something to do with my hands.

I jumped when the kitchen door opened and all three children looked up from their coloring to grin and greet The Iron Bull. I drummed up my courage to look at him and found him staring at me with… an expression I couldn’t read. He noted me looking at him and tilted his head slightly before turning his focus to Meraad’s silent demands for his attention. “That is a very pretty dress, little one. Both of you look beautiful.” 

Meraad grinned widely and then ran up to grab my hand, gesturing proudly between my shirt and her dress. Same color.

“Yeah. you two match.” He smiled at her with a touch of… pride maybe? “Do you think you can draw them?”

Her eyes widened and she dashed to her color box, dumping the wax sticks out and sorting through until she found the pink one. 

“Remember to put the others back so you don’t lose them.” I told her quietly, unsure how to feel about it all. Only… at least he seemed pleased-ish by it. 

Meraad paused and sighed but put the other colors back in their box before practically attacking a piece of paper with the pink color. Garth made a face then held up a grayish color, and seemed to be comparing it to The Iron Bull’s skin before smiling and proclaiming it his favorite.

Kalin glanced between the other two children and then methodically sorted through his colors before coming up with the green. It was much, much shorter than his other colors. He held it up silently with a slight smile before going back to his drawing. 

The Iron Bull gave me one of his Kitchen smiles before moving to sit in a chair that allowed him to not only see all the kids drawings but he could see both entrances, front and back, to the kitchen. 

And me. A small voice in the back of my head took sick delight in reminding me. I tried not to look over at him too much throughout the day but… he would chuckle at something Garth would say or Meraad and Kalin would do… and I would jump and my gaze would fly to him. I was hyper aware of him today. 

After maybe ten times of that happening, he shifted slightly and I looked at him anxiously. He tilted his head slightly. “You need help learning the letters while Varric’s gone?”

He-? But- no… no. I was wearing pink already. I started to shake my head but Kalin’s head popped up excitedly. “Yes!”

Oh. “Yes please, sir.”

The Iron Bull made a noise in the back of his throat that sounded like realization, and then he was moving, slow and careful, to sit on the floor beside the chair I was in so I could see over his shoulder and Garth produced one of the reading primers. 

How it became a thing, I don’t know. But after that everyday we ended up spending at least an hour to two hours working on letters and reading, then The Iron Bull would read aloud to the kids, and by extension… me, as I tried to follow along in another book. It… was nice almost. I could almost… relax a bit around him. He had his kids, he had… me, and so far all he seemed to want was to teach us to read and hang out in the warm kitchen and snag food. I had even walked back to Solas’ cabin alone once or twice and he hadn’t tried to take me again. I… could handle this. 

I started finding things in the kitchen almost everyday. A tin of tea. A new stack of paper. A jar of honey, even mint leaves. Once I came in to find Lionel starting to sweep a gnarled root off of the table and towards the compost bucket, but that was…

"Stop!" I gasped and snatched up the root, cradling it reverently to my chest, it was big enough to- "I need a pot and some dirt!"

Lionel wrinkled his nose. "What is it?"

"Only one of the most versatile herbs in both cooking and healing." I held the root out excitedly. "Ginger! And it grows in pots, so I can sprout a thumb and get more!"

Lionel gave me a look that said he thought I was crazy. I carefully peeled the skin off a bit and shaved off a sliver for everyone. Brea hated it, Lionel liked it, Flissa didn’t care for it, but said it tasted like something Adan gave her for an upset stomach. 

"Heathens." I huffed and dropped some coppers in Flissa's hands to pay for honey and butter. I could make some honey-chamomile-ginger drops for coughs and upset stomachs. 

I did a few. It was hard to keep them round without molds but I did manage to make discs-ish shapes. I missed my modern appliances sometimes…

A hand darted towards the cooling drops and I swatted it away with my spoon before I registered it was The Iron Bull. I felt the blood drain from my face and backed up. "I'm so-“

But he burst out laughing and turned away to pick up Meraad and toss her in the air as if nothing had just happened. I was relieved but… also worried that there might be repercussions later. 

There weren’t. 

So of course, right when I was beginning to accept my (was it a tama thing? It might be a tama thing…) ‘thing’ with The Iron Bull, Leliana returned. And with her… was Maxwell. 

I am not proud to say I didn’t come out of Solas’ cabin… until Leliana showed up at the door and practically dragged me to the chantry… well, she didn’t drag me but when Leliana says ‘come with me.’ You freakin went with her. 

Which is how I ended up freezing like a pathetic, frightened deer at the door of the War Room. I didn’t want… I couldn’t…

“He isn’t in there.” Leliana said quietly, and opened the door.

I flushed, feeling ashamed at being so obvious, and ducked my head and went in. Was I in trouble? I hadn’t been working very much, not that anyone had let me, but… There was Cassandra, Josephine, Cullen, and Dorian at the War Table. Leliana gestured to a spot on the end and I silently went where she directed. 

I kept my eyes down and prepared myself mentally for whatever I was in trouble for… only to blink when a sealed letter was pushed across the table to me from Leliana. 

I looked at her in confusion and she tilted her head. “It is for you.”

Oh. They wanted me to open it for them. I tentatively broke the seal and then chewed on my lip as I tried to guess what it was. There was a ‘to’. And… yep. ‘The’. Um… There was my name...

“Well? What does it say? I’ve been dying of curiosity the entire journey back.” Dorian said. I felt myself flush in embarrassment and he made a small gasping sound before continuing in a teasing tone. “It’s not a naughty letter is it? My dear, you do get around.”

Because everyone thought I was a… I flushed deeper and shook my head and shoved the letter at Leliana. “You… can read it?” 

She took it and read it with enviable ease, then the corner of her mouth quirked up in satisfaction. “It is a letter from King Alistair of Fereldon, thanking you for foiling the attempt on his life.” 

Uhhh okay sooo… Alistair was King, that was good. How have I been here this long and only just finding that out? “It was your agents.”

“On your information.” She said with a smirk. “I do think I should mention that having this-” She waved the letter slightly. “-made dealing with the King much, much simpler after the events in Redcliff. He was quite… amenable.” 

Oh. 

“We have allied with the free mages.”

I let out a sigh of relief.

“And we will be taking the Herald out to the breach tomorrow to attempt to seal it for good.” Leliana continued. “Opinion?”

Oh no. I fidgeted and then tentatively asked. “Did you pull back your scouts?”

Leliana tilted her head slightly. “Yes.” 

I fidgeted again and then gathered my courage and blurted out. “You shouldn’t let the soldiers drink after the breach is sealed.”

Cullen’s head snapped up and I flinched. “You expect an attack?”

I shrank back and hugged myself. “It’s just… whoever made the breach will be upset if it’s closed. And you foiled one of his plans… and you pulled the scouts back so…”

“I wouldn’t know if anyone was coming.” Leliana murmured. 

“Haven is not defensible.” Cullen pushed back from the table and I took a half step back. He paused and then deliberately put his hands slowly back on the table. He continued in a quieter tone. “We should withdraw if there will be an attack. We have no hope of holding Haven against an invading force.”

No, that would be very bad. Here they had a chance to escape, if Corypheus found them in the snow traveling it would be a slaughter.

“Opinion?” Leliana asked and-yup they were all looking at me. Leli, why you do this?!

“I mean. There are walls at least?” I offered. “It seems like… walls are useful. Better than being in the open snow with civilians…”

He paused and glanced at me with a slight head tilt. “More defensible, but when we are overrun, then what?”

Um. “Go out the back way?”

“There is no back way.” He frowned.

“There’s always a back way.” I returned, lifting a finger as if marking a point. “You just have to find the person who knows where it is.”

Leliana hummed. “And I’m assuming you do?”

“I… don’t actually know where it is, but that there is one?” I tried not to flinch when she studied me. Okay I shifted, I did not flinch though. 

She gave me a smile. How did she manage to look so terrifying when she smiled? Was it because I knew there were at least a dozen knives behind that smile? Probably… “I will begin asking around. Discreetly. It might be best to act as if we are not aware of a possible attack.”

“Yes.” Cullen said and then rubbed the back of his neck. 

“Umm… non perishable rations for a large number of people might be good to store… blankets… fire… stuff.” Why was I talking? I should not be talking. I’m supposed to be quiet! Speak when spoken to!

“That is an excellent idea.” Josephine said and made a note. 

I hesitated and then decided in for a penny, in for a pound. “Also… perhaps a celebratory chantry service the evening after the breach is sealed? So most of the civilians are away from the walls? The chantry seems the strongest point.” 

Josephine didn’t look up, just kept writing. Okay. She wasn't listening. It had been worth a shot anyway.

Cullen though, Cullen was staring at me. So was Cassandra. Both of them with a slight furrow between their brows and… could I run? Running seemed nice...

Leliana hummed in what seemed like approval. 

There was a long, long moment of silence and I glanced around but no one was saying anything. Dorian was doing that dramatic chin stroke thing that only worked if you had a beard, but I wasn’t going to tell him that… I opened my mouth and then shut it.

“Oh no, please go on. I’m finding myself more intrigued every word you say.” Dorian said.

He wasn’t in charge but Leliana gave a slight nod, so. “Um. If I may ask… what happened at Redcliff?” 

Leliana gave me a tight smile that looked shockingly genuine. “Most of that… hopefully will not come to pass.” 

Which, fair enough.

“Without the Herald, the breach grew unchecked, but the Inquisition banded together and drew in allies and fought the Elder One. The new Inquisitor took Redcliff and then helped send us back.” Dorian added.

The new… what? ”Uhhh… Okay… Thank you?“ What?! Had my being here changed the timeline so much? Maybe… Well, Cullen was still here so maybe they kept on fighting with the information I would probably have given. The Inquisition would have found someone else to be the Inquisitor. Maybe? It seemed probable. 

“Who was it?” Josephine asked. “The Inquisitor?

“I’m sure you can guess, Josi dear.” Leliana said with a slight eye roll.

“Oh.” Josephine’s mouth opened slightly before she smiled and began writing frantically. 

I took a half step towards the door. Maybe if I moved really slowly I could be gone...

"Rae. May I speak with you?" Cassandra said sharply and I flinched. Crap!

"Yes, ma'am." I shouldn’t have tried to leave so soon. I was probably in trouble? Was she mad about me upsetting Maxwell? She started walking and I had to run to keep up as she went out the door and down the hall turning towards… oh crap! That was the door that led to the cells. 

She stopped and opened the door. I flinched and hesitated before following her in. Better to walk in than be dragged in… Resisting really wouldn't do me any good.

She turned and frowned at me just as the door closed behind me and I frantically searched for what I had done. "I'm sorry!"

She blinked. "For what?" 

I took a half step back but froze. "I… I don't know. I'm sorry I made you angry?" I tried. 

She gave me a puzzled look. "You…" She shook her head. "Yes, I was- am angry… but…” she laughed and turned to start pausing. “Solas, called me a blind fool. Leliana and Josephine were both angry with me, and Varric… had stopped talking to me, which oddly enough was worse than the constant complaining."

I blinked at her.

“All of the signs… all of the…” She tossed her hands up in an irritated gesture and I shrank back against the door. She closed her eyes and lowered her hands. “That. Even that, and I still did not… see.” Her voice got small and I realized with shocking clarity that she was crying. Cassandra. Cassandra, she hulk, Pentagast was crying.

I flailed mentaly because... What am I supposed to do with this? “Do…do you need a hug?” I offered hesitantly. Hugs helped, right?

She laugh-sobbed but shook her head. “No. Yes. I mean…” She put her hands over her face and inhaled deeply. “I have hurt you already and… forgive me.” 

Okay, this. This, I knew what to do. “Yes. He manipulated and lied to you. I forgive you.” 

Annnnd then I was crushed in a hug… which what?! And ow! she still had her armor on. “He was so… charming, passionate… and I didn’t see past it.”

Umm… I tried patting her back (and not thinking about it being Maxwell that she was quite literally crying on my shoulder over) but with the armor trapping my arm I couldn’t do more than an awkward pat on her upper arm. What did the chick flick friends say to the girl when she was dumped by the douche at the beginning of the movies? “He doesn't deserve you.” Okay, that was horrible.

Um. What was the next thing? Ice-cream. There was no ice-cream. (Why was I trying to do the ‘just got dumped’ care package for her? Over him? Right. Because Cassandra is… Cassandra.) Sooo cry it out? Not like I had much choice. She was hugging me. I had offered. But there was no getting away from a giant warrior woman intent on hugging you. 

Eventually she pulled back with a faint flush on her cheeks, but she wasn’t… crying uncontrollably so. That was good. I think. 

“We put our faith in the wrong person who fell from the rifts.”

Um. “I’m just a cook, Cassandra…”

“Yes. and still somehow a better person than most.” 

Was I blushing? I think I was blushing.

The door opened behind me and I fell back with a yelp. Apparently I had been leaning on it. I was caught and felt… better.

“I have it.” Cole said.

Oh, thank god! I ran. 

  
  
  



	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for rape/non-con that doesn’t actually happen It’s very mild but still

I tried to keep my mind off the closing of the breach and impending attack on Haven… would they even attack? This all seemed to have flown by really fast. To my knowledge, Maxwell hadn’t even gone to the Fallow Mire or the Storm coast. Well… as you can see, I was not successful at not thinking about it. I was thinking about it. So… think about it usefully. 

I tried to focus on preparing, I packed. Mostly the kids clothes, my not yet cured vanilla… I paused and looked at the books… the colors. They were too heavy to carry through the snow. I bit my cheek in thought, but decided I couldn't bring them, I could only carry so much but… I went through the box of colors and extracted each of the kids’ favorite colors and put them in my pocket. It wasn’t much but… they would have something. 

I felt like crying. This cabin, this town… everything would be buried in snow within the next day. It wasn’t much but… it had been a place of safety for me. (‘Really?’ a sarcastic bit of my mind scoffed.) Okay… not the town so much, but this cabin… This cabin was a place I had never been hurt, somewhere I could just… hide away and forget. I took several deep breaths to ward off tears, but it wasn’t working. So, I went over to the washstand and untied the pendant Solas gave me, setting it on the little shelf so the leather cords didn’t get wet while I splashed water on my face and neck. 

There was a sharp rap at the door just as I was drying my face and I hesitantly moved to answer, shrinking back when I saw The Iron Bull standing on the porch. He wasn’t looking directly at me, instead back over his shoulder.

“May… I help you, sir?” I forced out. This wasn’t my kitchen…

“Something’s in the air. The kids alright?” He said.

Right, he was a spy. He must have noticed something was up. “I- yes. They’re alright.”

He looked back at me, and then his eyes flicked over my shoulder and he straightened slightly. “You’re packing.”

I felt my stomach twist. “It’s just… I’m not trying to run. I’m just making sure the- if anything goes wrong I’ll have stuff for the kids.” I tried to explain hurriedly.

“Ah.” He nodded. “That’s a good idea. Need help carrying their things, just in case? There’s three of them and one little you.” 

I glanced back at the stack of books… books The Iron Bull bought. “I— um…” it was stupid, blankets and coats were more important. They would be in the snow for who knows long. I couldn’t afford-

“No sense letting a kid go without when they don’t have to.” He said evenly, interrupting my train of thought and shouldered his way through the door to pick up the stack of books and boxes of colors I had looked at. “Just in case, you know.”

I didn’t dare try to protest as he moved around and gathered up the kid’s things and packed them tightly and neatly in a pack he had brought with him. Instead I helped gather up the childrens’ things and watched as he secured them. He shouldered the pack easily and gave me a kitchen soft smile. “You’re good with them. I’ll leave this up at the Chantry. If nothing happens, you can haul it back. If whatever you’re worried about does, I can grab it there.”

‘Whatever you’re worried about.’ Did he know…? Did Maxwell tell him about my ‘intuition’? What…? oh god, what if he wrote back to the Qun? Someone who knew or could ‘see’ the future would be wanted…they wouldn’t think twice about snatching a cook… and I'm a mage and-

I froze when he slowly reached out and then tapped my forehead with a single scarred finger. “Open book, Rae. You’re fretting about something. So’s the Commander.” 

And then he was gone and I was left standing at the door watching him walk away. The Qun… now that I was thinking about it… what was I going to do? Maxwell wouldn’t think twice about sacrificing the Chargers if it meant gaining more power or an alliance. Bull would never be… The Iron Bull… I let my head fall and thud against the doorframe. What was I going to do? What could I do? The kids loved him… but if he sacrificed the Chargers… I felt my eyes start to sting at the thought of what he would become, what the Qun would make of him. What could I do?

I was still pondering that when I returned to the tavern to try and help with the dinner rush. Lionel had thrown together a decent roast with potatoes, carrots and onions. He did a good job on seasoning as well, just needed a bit more salt, but that was probably just me.

I helped get the rolls out of the oven and then remembered with horrifying clarity that I was still supposed to deliver Maxwell's dinner. No one had overrode that order. Crap. I wouldn’t cry. I could… could do this. 

I robotically plated some of the roast and just focused on my breathing as I moved out the door before I could think too hard on it. Lionel called after me, but the word was cut off by the door closing between us. I forced myself to march through the snow to Maxwell’s cabin. I… one foot in front of the other. I was fine. It would be fine. I just… I could do this. Don’t … don’t-

There was a pair of guards on his cabin door. I froze.

“Miss Rae?”

I startled and stepped back at Cullen’s voice. He was frowning at me. “What are you doing?”

“I…” I had to swallow to get my voice to work. “He… I have to…” I held up the plate of food. 

Cullen’s jaw ticked and then he very slowly moved and took the plate from me. “You are not to bring him his dinner anymore. Since the attack on you and Solas,” He paused and I could swear he was reciting a line, “He is under increased guard to dissuade any possible violence against him.” 

Oh… I felt cautious relief. “I… don’t have to?”

Cullen gave me a sharp nod and I may have slumped a little bit in actual relief. I gave him a tentative but honest smile. “Thank you.” Then I remembered. “Oh, I made something for you. I should go get it while I can find you.” 

Cullen gave me a small smile and handed the plate to one of the guards. “See that the... Herald receives this.” Then he turned back to me and held out his arm. “May I walk with you, Miss Rae?”

I didn’t have to take Maxwell dinner anymore. That put a definite spring in my step. It was… awkward walking with my arm in Cullen’s, but hey, people moved out of the way like they did with Varric. I swung the door to the kitchen open and was greeted by an irate Lionel trying to move past Brea. He relaxed when he saw me, then frowned at the sight of Cullen.

“Commander?” 

Meraad popped out from under the table and looked at Cullen with wide eyes, then scrambled out and pointed at the fur collar of his cloak, then hooked her fingers into claws. 

Cullen blinked at her. “Um… hello?”

I laughed. Actually laughed. I didn’t have to take him food anymore. “She thinks it looks like cat fur.” I impulsively hugged Lionel and Brea before moving to the box of drops I had made to make a bag of them up for Cullen.

Cullen blinked and then smiled and knelt down so Meraad could boldly reach out and touch it. “It was made from a Red Lion, so yes, a very big cat.”

Garth was next out from under the table, but he just grabbed the back of Meraad’s shirt and tried to pull her back with a whispered. “That’s a shiny one.” 

Oh… 

Meraad suddenly yanked her hand away and stepped back with wide eyes and Garth pulled her back under the table.

Cullen looked confused and gave me an apologetic look. “What…”

“Um. templars, sir.” I said hesitantly. “Their parents were… mages. They’re scared of templars.”

Cullens face fell and for a second it looked like he was about to protest about not being a templar anymore but he only sighed, and nodded before he stood slowly. “Ah… forgive me.”

I offered him the bag of drops. Subject change? Sort of… “These are for you. You just suck on one if your stomach bothers you.” 

He started slightly, “How-?“ then sighed and shook his head. “The rolls… of course.” He took the small bag carefully, slowly. “Thank you.”

I gave him a small smile and watched as he nodded to Lionel then made his way out the door. Then I looked under the table. Garth was holding onto both Kalin and Meraad with a terrified expression. “He’s gone, sweetheart.” 

Garth worried his lip before throwing himself at me in a hug. "He's not gonna take you away?" 

I hugged him tightly. He shouldn’t have that fear. “No, sweetheart.” I kissed his head and pulled back just enough to look at him. “Commander Cullen…” he what? True he wasn’t technically a Templar anymore but he wasn’t exactly a mage’s best friend either… but he had been the one to intervene with Maxwell so...

"There aren't any circles anymore." I finally decided. "There's nowhere to take me to."

"You're trying to make us feel better." Kalin said. "But you don't really know."

Crap. “Um… yes, but Commander has been... nice.” I didn’t exactly want to tell them that he probably saved me from being beaten or smited to death.

Meraad suddenly put her fingers on the side of her head with a more determined look.

"Oh. Right. The Iron Bull wouldn't… let him take me away." Oh boy… whether that was because he had a weird claim on me or for the kids' sake I didn’t know but… yeah I guess The Iron Bull wouldn’t… at least Kitchen Iron Bull wouldn’t. 

Though, with Maxwell goneish, he seemed like kitchen The Iron Bull almost all the time. It might be one of those 'rooster fight' things… Gah!! I don’t know. Everything was so weird.

Varric came in for dinner and took his usual seat at the table. Kalin crouched down under the table and I could see him studying Bianca intently while Varric ate. At one point he popped his head up, studied Varric's face, then ducked back down and started trying to draw Bianca. In green, of course. 

Varric didn’t seem to mind though. He finished eating and then picked Meraad up to sit on his lap. “Hey Pup, what are we going to call the others?” Kalin popped his head back up from under the table to look at him before disappearing again. “Cork… what do you think?”

Meraad scrunched her nose but nodded. Then pointed at Garth who had been hovering next to me since Cullen had left, and Varric made a thoughtful sound. “Fidget?” The name was met with approval and just like that the kids had bonafide Varric Tethras nicknames.

A runner came in not long after that (yup an actual runner) to deliver a message from Leliana… a verbal message, because apparently I couldn’t have been more obvious about not knowing how to read, just that they found it. By ‘it’ I was guessing the summer pilgrimage path. I could breathe easier knowing we were a few steps ahead of Corypheus.

We were just finishing up the dinner rush when Meraad made the squealing noise that always signaled The Iron Bull’s entrance of the kitchen and I turned to offer him a small smile as he tossed Meraad in the air in their usual greeting. 

Garth left my side for the first time and went over to him with a very serious expression. “Bull?”

I expected The Iron Bull to correct him but he only set Meraad down and knelt in front of the small boy. “What is it?” 

“Would you stop the templars if they tried to take Miss Rae away?” Garth asked earnestly. 

The Iron Bull gave Garth a thin smile. “I would. Why do you ask? Something happen?” He glanced up at me over Garth’s head and I shook my head, unsure how to explain Garth's background without… explaining it, because kids. 

Kalin popped out from under the table. “A templar came into the kitchen. The Commander.” He popped back under the table. 

The Iron Bull made an ‘ah’ sound and pulled Garth to him in a hug. “You don’t have to worry about that one, but yeah. I’d keep her from them.” 

I stared at them for a moment in… not exactly, surprise (he did break someone’s hand for making a grab at me) and The Iron Bull looked up at me from where he was holding Garth and… I felt myself flush slightly at its intensity and looked down at the dough for rolls I was making for the trip… not that anyone knew that. He sat down in my stepping chair again and I tried to ignore him as we finished up the dinner rush. 

I made another batch of dough and was just setting it aside to rise when a large hand settled on my shoulder. A squeak of fear escaped me before I could bite it off and I froze as The Iron Bull’s thumb began to stroke the back of my neck. “I meant it, Kitten,” he murmured, and I was suddenly trapped as he pressed closer and I had nowhere to go, the table in front of me. “I protect what is mine.”

I was too shocked to speak and shaking in sudden terror. He had practically growled the word mine… he was in my kitchen… he never acted like- no, this wasn’t right. Not right. He was in my kitchen! I felt him bend down and sucked in a shocked breath at the feel of his lips on my neck. The scrap of teeth. No… nononono.

I tried to push back, get away but he had me pressed against the table, he was too heavy too-

“You gave yourself to me, remember?” He growled and I nearly screamed as I was suddenly shoved face down to the floor. “To protect the elf!”

I sobbed in terror as I felt him pin my arms down. Where was Lionel?! Brea?! Solas!? No… this wasn't right… it- the table leg wasn’t grounded. There was a green haze in the air... the Fade! “I’m in the fade!” I had left the kitchen, had gone back to Solas’ cabin with the kids to sleep.

The Iron Bull- no... the Demon (I was sure of that now) paused and I felt a shift around me. “You fear him.” It rasped behind me. “I can feel your terror.”

I took a breath and tried to calm my pounding heart, think. What did it want? It wanted to feed off of my terror. “You’re Terror?”

It laughed and pressed on my shoulders as I tried to turn. “Yes,” I felt an elongated finger trail up my neck to the side of my face. “Your fear, terror, called to me. Tempting me for some time. A feast.”

Breathe. Control. What do I know about demons? Or spirits. A spirit adapts to whatever you expect it to be. Okay so… terror… what’s the opposite of terror? Peace? Maybe? “Is there another way for you to…” ugh, I couldn’t believe I was saying this. “feed?”

I felt it shift slightly behind me and suddenly the weight that pinned me down was gone. I immediately sat up and found it staring at me. That… that was a furby. That was a giant, talking, moving furby. That… was terrifying in and of itself. Unexpected, but yes, still terrifying. “You are not waking yourself?”

“Um.” I had forgotten that was an option but. “I mean… you obviously need my… terror so… if there is a less horrible way to get it from me, I’m willing to… try at least.” 

It wiggled its big ears at me and oh god that really was unsettling. “What would you suggest?”

“Can you… change the dream?”

It nodded and blinked it’s massive swirling eyes. It cocked it’s head and then opened its beak in delight. “Yessss.”

And then I was gripping the lap bar of a rollercoaster as it rattled and clanked its way up the track. I glanced over the side and was met with the impossible sight of the earth below, moving further and further away-

“Oh god.” Why? Just… why? I clenched my eyes shut as the coaster paused, and then plummeted. 

I screamed.

I woke with a startled flail and then stared at the ceiling. So. Demons. A terror demon. I had willingly hung out with a terror demon. So, so many roller coasters. It felt like it had gone through every coaster I had ever been dragged onto by Haley. I groaned and sat up. At least there weren't the sore muscles that followed actually riding coasters for hours. 

“Lethallan?” Solas asked.

I rubbed my temples and stood and walked over to the wash basin. There was my dream pendant. I picked it up and tied it back on and Solas made a distressed noise in the back of his throat.

“Forgive me, I did not realize your dreams were unguarded.” He sat up and gave me a concerned look. “Are you well?” 

I waved a hand dismissively. “Yeah. I just spent the night hanging out with a terror demon. Because that is a thing you can do.” What was Thedas? Just… what?

“Ah.” 

I turned to look at him. ‘Ah’? Terror demon and all he had to say was ‘Ah’? “What is wrong with you?”

He shrugged. “You seem to be well and I see no evidence of possession. I’m assuming that you managed to strike an accord with it.”

“I mean, yes, but-” I frowned at him. “You know what they say about assuming, don’t you?”

He rolled his eyes (Yes, rolled his friggen eyes) at me. “I do.” 

“Well…” crap, I had no comeback. “Don’t assume.” Ugh.

He snickered and fell back onto the bed and covered his eyes with his arm. “So what terror did you give it?”

“Heights and falling. Repeatedly.” I sighed. I don’t know why Haley liked the things. 

“Ah.” 

“Ah.” I mimicked and threw one of the towels at him, that he caught easily with a grin, because he was a punk.

Huh. There was no flash of terror at having thrown it. Guess I was finally getting used to ‘Giggly Dread Wolf’. 

“You feel better, do you not?” He asked, still smiling. 

“Um… yeah.” Strangely… I did. Huh… I felt at peace. Calm. “Opposite of Terror is Peace.”

“Egg-sactly!” He grinned. 

Did he…? “Did you..?” But then again, he wouldn’t know about the egg jokes…

“I was yolking.” He said with a suppressed smile. 

He did… 

What?! 


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry *goes and hides behind couch*

That morning was… easier. Everything seemed easier. Getting the kids fed and dressed. Going to the tavern, starting breakfast. Making the council’s breakfast. Staying in the war room until everyone was done eating, listening to their plans to make fire the breach as soon as the Mages made it. Maxwell still wasn’t in there and I was not about to ask. 

Josephine had had Threnn move a good bit of supplies into the passage that led to the path of the summer pilgrimage and asked Mother Giselle to hold an extra long chantry service that evening. Cullen said he would have men posted and all of his soldiers had strict orders not to drink. 

I was able to get out of the war room without actually getting asked anything and that was fine with me. I went back to the tavern, passing The Iron Bull speaking with Krem, who was holding Garth, Kalin was standing next to The Iron Bull while Meraad was sitting on his arm and she waved when she saw me. 

I smiled and waved back but couldn’t stop, I needed to help with breakfast and… they would be safe with Krem and The Iron Bull. 

Leliana’s people worked fast… really fast. The Mages had barely gotten in the gates before She was marching Maxwell up the mountain with Solas, Dorian and Cassandra…. and me. Because I was a mage. Joy! Nevermind that I actually knew very very little magic… barriers, heating, and magical whisking. That’s it. Not a very impressive resume for a mage. 

Despite being dragged practically dragged from my kitchen and through the snow to the breach, I still felt remarkably calm. I felt good, not as jumpy or scared. I walked beside Solas and Varric most of the way. This… was alright. I could do this. I mean, I didn’t have to actually cast a spell. ‘Focus past the Herald’. Just… imagine my magic was going to the breach. Right? I could do that. 

Well, I thought I could do that… only when Maxwell caught sight of me his glare was murderous. Leliana and Cullen were on either side of him, escorting him to the breach, but his eyes were fixed on me and he was angry. I flinched and stepped back out of fear, only to feel a hand on my shoulder. I froze, but it didn’t feel like-

“He can not harm you.” Cassandra said quietly from behind me. “We will not let him.” 

Oh… that was nice of her to say but they couldn’t protect me forever, the man was on the path to becoming the Inquisitor. Sealing the breach was the clincher, and once he was in charge he could do whatever he wanted.

We gathered around the walls where the breach was, most of the mages were on the walls… where I would have dearly loved to have been but Cassandra led me down into the crater… yay me. 

Solas walked up and I felt the crackle of magic on the back of my tongue as he inclined his head to me. “Are you certain this will work?”

Um… Why was he asking me that? Like this whole thing was my idea? “Absolutely. As certain as anyone can be about… you know. Closing a hole in the sky...” Confidence. That was… good, yeah?

He gave me a satisfied smile and turned away. Weird. I glanced around to try and figure out what was going on and… everyone was looking at me...

“Are you ready?” Leliana looked at me and asked.

“Yes, ma’am.” I answered automatically. Maybe everyone was looking at her? Annnnd Maxwell was still glaring. 

“Mages! Focus past Trevelyan, let his will draw from you.” 

Ew. Now that it wasn’t on a screen and I actually was here, that actually sounded like a horrible choice of words. How did-? I felt an almost physical wave of energy rush by me and shuddered at the feeling, it was like a thousand threads of different colors, different strengths. It was pretty really, but weird. 

Weird and… going nowhere. If I unfocused my eyes I could see it just… flowing over Maxwell, like water over a rock. He was holding his hand towards the breach but… nothing. It was like he was repelling the magic… because he was a templar. That… wasn’t good. The breach needed to be sealed. 

Use the force.

It was worth a shot, so I lifted my hand and channeled my inner fangirl and tried to ‘use the force’ and direct the magic into the anchor. Like a funnel… a really big invisible piping bag, “I am the force, the force is in me. I am the force.” I may have muttered, because IT WAS WORKING! Maxwell yelped, which was satisfying, and I saw the flow connect with the anchor, and I  _ pushed _ , and then his hand exploded in a flash of green and magic. “It’s working!” 

Then it connected… and exploded backward. Crap! 

I went flying. After a night of falling over and over again, I didn’t scream, but this was not ideal. Surprisingly, I didn’t hit stone. Or, I did, but it was softer than the stone ground. And warmer. It was The Iron Bull. He had caught me. Before I had the awareness to flinch or otherwise make any other noise, he set me down almost immediately, his hands hovering over my shoulders until I regained my feet, and then he stepped back with a satisfied tilt to his mouth. 

Okay…

There was a deafening cheer and I had to cover my ears, the sounds bouncing down into the crater hurt. I felt a hand land on my shoulder and this time I flinched, but Solas spoke. “You did well.” 

“I didn’t… um.” I frowned. “He closed it.” 

He actually scoffed a little. “Anyone with any sensitivity to magic would disagree.” 

Um… okay. 

“Well done, Miss Rae.” Leliana came over with a pleased smile. 

Uh… I glance around her to see Cullen hauling Maxwell to his feet, from where he was still kneeling in front of the breach. Weren’t they-?

“Well, you are full of surprises aren’t you.” Dorian’s voice had me turning to see him leaning against his staff with a relieved smile. “Interesting method, a cone to direct. Ingenious actually.”

“It… it’s how I get frosting into a piping bag.” I said lamely.

Dorian blinked but smiled. “Well, whatever works.”

“You… don't know what a piping bag is, do you?” I guessed.

He actually flushed a little. “Something resembling a cone, I am guessing. But no… no, I do not.” 

I huffed a laugh. “Yes. I use it to make fancy designs with frosting on a cake. You fill it with frosting, and then squeeze it and it comes out in a controllable stream.”

He looked thoughtful. “Yes. I can see how that would be useful in magical direction… Where did you train?” 

Now it was my turn to blush. Because. “Um. I haven’t.” Uhh…

“She didn’t.” Solas said with a smirk. 

“But…” Dorian looked both horrified and impressed. “How…?”

“I’m the cook.” I said and tried not to shrink in embarrassment. “I trained in the culinary arts, not the arcane.” 

Dorian blinked again and looked like he was about to say something but Cullen and Cassandra chose that moment to march over.

“We need to return, I have preparations to make.” Cullen spoke, and I could smell a hint of ginger. Good, he was using the drops.

So, we were on our way back to Haven...

Haven. Haven was going to fall. Maxwell wouldn’t… as soon as we got past the big gates, I ran to the smithy. “Harrit!”

He startled and looked at me.

“Get your family’s hammer and go to the chantry.”

“My hammer? To the service?”

I nodded. “Please.” 

He looked baffled but shrugged and dug through his tools before slipping a hammer onto his belt. “Alright.” 

One.

“Seggrit!”

“Closed.” He said curtly. 

“You need to go to the service tonight.”

He rolled his eyes. “Go away.” 

Ugh. “Please!”

“No.” 

“I-“

He glared.

...I tried. 

Flissa agreed to take Brea and Lionel to the service easily. Adan seemed disappointed but also agreed. Mineave agreed once I told her Adan would be at the service. Lysette and Threnn… I couldn’t really do much about. They were soldiers. I could at least… I found Lysette and then remembered that oh crap she was a templar, a very big, very well armed templar and she was scowling at me. This was a terrible idea. 

“What is it?” She frowned at me and I flinched and took a half step back.

“I… I’m sorry. It’s just…” What was I doing? “By the tavern. I walk by… and… There’s a low spot on the wall. I was… worried about it.”

She blinked and then nodded. “I’ll take a look. Thank you for letting me know.”

That was dismissal. That was… the best I could do really. Warn her about where the red templars ambushed her. I backed up and turned to run, only to bump right into Varric’s chest. 

“Hey, Sunshine,” He chuckled, “Of all people I figured I would have to worry about accidentally stepping on me, you were the last on that list.”

“Sorry.” I ducked my head in embarrisment and sidestepped him. I still had to find Threnn.

“It’s alright. What has you running around like your tail ’s on fire?” He gave me a grin. “I had quite a time trying to catch up.” 

“Ummm, just…” what? I couldn’t exactly say an army was marching our way. “Checking on… things.”

“‘Checking on things’,” he echoed keeping up with me easily.

“I just… Have a feeling.” I said lamely.

“That’s the fourth time I’ve heard that today. Curly’s on edge to.” He laughed. “So what’s giving you ‘a feeling’.”

“Um. just…” I gestured vaguely. “Things. I’ve noticed. Like a low spot on the wall, or...” I racked my brain for a plausible excuse. “The birds are quiet.” That came up in books a lot… animals getting quiet before a big thing happened… “That’s not a good… omen.” Great, now I sound like I'm superstitious.

“Uh-Huh.” Varric said, clearly not believing me. “Well, whatever it is I suggest you stay in the Chantry. Red was pretty clear she wanted everyone without other orders to be there.”

“Yes, sir.” I nodded. “I just have a few things to take care of and then I’ll be there.” I could easily promise that. I had no desire to expose my tiny, very killable self to red templars. 

Threnn was in a bad mood. She seemed irritable and on edge, and I wondered if Cullen had warned her already or if she was just having a bad day. I pointed out the spot near the wall with the trees and she stared at it for a long moment before frowning at me and then turning away. 

Um. Okay. I tried. I started to back away and again, found Varric watching me with a curious tilt to his head. Okay… “I, uh, got to go… get the kids?” I pointed in the general direction of Solas’ cabin lamely. “See you at the uh… service?”

Varric frowned but nodded. “I’ll save you a seat.” 

Okay. I sent him a grateful smile and took off for the cabin. I don’t know why I thought they’d be in the cabin… Solas and I had been gone so obviously they were somewhere else but I wanted to kick myself when I opened the door to an empty cabin. 

Okay. So they weren’t there… weren’t with Flissa or Lionel when I had gone over there so- Pack. I could grab a few more things? I went over to the bed and was about to pull the blanket off of it only to jump at the sound of Solas voice. 

“Lethallan?”

I turned around and put a hand to my chest and let out a breath. “Solas… I didn’t hear you.”

He gave me a bright, open smile. “Forgive me. I did not mean to startle you.” He moved towards the bed and began folding the blanket for me.

I blinked at him. “You seem… like you’re in a good mood.”

He smiled at me. “Things went very well, at the breach. Better than expected.”

“Oh… well yeah, I guess.” I took the blanket and frowned down at it. It really hadn’t gone too different from the game. “You expected it not to work?”

“I am at heart, quite fatalistic, Lethallan.” He said cheerfully. “And yet, I am finding myself uncharacteristically optimistic. Things, great things, are changing.” He suddenly turned and caught my hand, and took the blanket from my hands and set it to the side, still smiling that open, unusual smile. “You are changing things. You have given me hope.”

Uhhh… I looked at the blanket. I still needed to pack that. “The um.. herald clo-“

Solas’ hand was suddenly on the side of my face, and my words died in my mouth and I froze, flushing at the… unexpectedly intimate gesture. “He would not have succeeded if you had not directed it. You were the one who closed the breach. He simply was holding the tool you used.” 

Uhh… his thumb started stroking my cheek… which was nice but… what?! “I… uhh don’t use people.”

“No.” He said softly bending slightly. “You don’t. You are a rare and beautiful person.” 

That was… Okay. “I-“

Then he was kissing me. 

Solas.

Kissing. Me.

His lips were right there. And wow, he was a great kisser. His arms were around me, pulling me closer and I felt his tongue- Solas was kissing me! But-

I suddenly realized that Solas, the Dread Wolf, was kissing me and if I let myself (and it would be so easy to)melt into this… this was only going to end in heartbreak. I stepped back and put my hand on his chest and tried to catch my breath. But his kept hold of me. I could feel his heart pounding almost as fast as mine but- “Solas… I- we can’t. You… I… You and I both know you’ll only break my heart in the end. I’m sorry… I can’t…” 

Solas swallowed and shook his head not breaking eye contact. “Ranae, you don’t understand, I-“

“Are The Dread Wolf.” I tried not to react to his use of my full name and pressed on, his chest was heaving under my hand and I could feel his heart still racing. “You- 

Solas flinched and clenched his eyes shut.

"You will always be dear to me, but we both know you will break my heart, rent out, pulsing from a broken chest. Red. Green. Yellow. A sickened wound crushed open by a careless hand. A beat. Broken. I'm sorry, vhenan. You can’t have meant this." Cole whispered, he was suddenly standing there and Solas let me go. “I wanted it to be different.” 

“Cole-“ Solas started in a pained tone, shaking his head and stepping back. 

Cole shook his head. "You didn't know." He looked down sadly. "No one did."

I suddenly felt very terrible, I did care for him… I did. But- I couldn’t… "I'm so sorry, Solas." 

Solas gasped out a laugh. "You… I must go." He turned and practically ran from the cabin. 

“You were happy this morning. Laughing, smiling. Standing in front of the breach, different, changed but still beautiful.” Cole said quiet. "He had hoped.”

I sat done heavily on the cot. Feeling sick, like I had just shut the door on something amazing but… “I couldn’t lose him…” not for real. I had been upset for months over a game. I couldn’t.. I had to protect myself. My eyes were stinging with tears and I scrubbed at them. 

I felt like the worst kind of heel. He had gotten me out of the cell, gotten me a job, given me a place to sleep, a safe place for the kids. He had done so much and I… I couldn’t… because I... was selfish. Selfish and afraid, I was a coward. I didn’t want to be Lavellan. I didn’t want to watch him walk away, I didn’t want my heart torn out. I was a coward. Selfish and pathetic. 

I was openly sobbing now, in an empty cabin, Cole was gone. Solas was gone. I tried to breathe, I needed- needed to stop. I needed to- I could cry later. 

I stood and went over to the wash stand and didn’t bother casting a warming spell, splashing the icey cold water on my face. I could cry later. 

Of course after I thought that, I burst into another round of tears and ended up on the floor, crying into my knees as I hugged them to my chest. I don’t know how long I was like that, only that my sobs had subside slightly and I was suddenly aware of bells…. oh. 

Crap! 

I pushed myself to my feet.   


Think about it later… Corypheus was here. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A&F: See! I knew you couldn’t leave him alone.  
> C_L: *sniffs* yeah...


	23. Chapter 23

I pushed myself to my feet. Think about it later… Corypheus was here. 

I ran for the Chantry. No way I wanted to be in the middle of that mess. 

Roderick was at the chantry door, herding people inside, just like the game but… “You can’t stay out here.” I tried to push him back inside. 

“What are you-?”

“Sunshine!” Varric tugged my hand and pulled me away from Roderick, pulling me inside. “Where the void have you been?” He asked but he sounded more concerned than angry. 

“I-” I started to try and explain but… crying out a broken heart on the bed just didn't sound like a decent excuse. 

“Never mind. Get in there, we’re under attack.” He said, then paused and blinked and then narrowed his eyes at me. “Which you knew about.” He shook his head. “Go on, Sunshine.” 

I nodded and moved to a corner. It was dark… and shadowed and… perfect. Because right now, I didn’t want to look for anyone… I really didn’t want anyone to see me right now… especially Solas. Crap, I really messed that up. 

“Everyone!” I peeked out at Josephine’s voice and she was standing on top of one of the pews. “If you will please follow this soldier here, preparations have been made for your safety. Please follow him and I assure you all will be fine.”

I watched as everyone was herded down the stairs, that led to the cells… huh escape route near the cells… okay. I caught sight of Meraad being carried by Krem, and Garth looked like he was riding on Rocky’s shoulders. The Iron Bull was easy to spot, he was taller than everyone, Kalin in his arms and he was glancing around looking, his blind side to me, I ducked back into my hiding place when it looked like he was going to turn in my direction. I didn’t feel up to facing him right now.

Oh god! If he found out that Solas- no don’t think about it… not now. Breathe. I listened to the sound of shuffling, people being led out to safety. I heard Solas’ voice directing someone to hurry and my heart broke anew at the sound. He was still helping. 

I closed my eyes tightly to keep myself from looking for him. I couldn’t-

I don’t know how long I hid there. An hour? A few minutes? There was less shuffling, the chantry was almost deserted now except for a few soldiers guarding the doors. It… was probably safe to go ahead and go down the path. I should get out of here before… the ground rumbled. Avalanche.

Crap!

I looked over to see Roderick still standing at the door keeping them open for soldiers who were retreating. Oh no. I raced over to him. “Chancellor Roderick! You need to come inside! Qui-crap!” 

There were templars- red templars coming over the spot I had pointed out the Threnn. She hadn’t done anything. Crap! 

I grabbed Roderick’s arm and pulled, hard as I could and an arrow whistled over my head. Crap crap crap. I threw up a barrier around us both just as a blade glanced off where Roderick’s torso was. Then Cole was there slitting the templar’s throat then turning to drive a blade through another’s armpit. Thank god! 

“Right. Leaving. Now.” I whimpered and this time Roderick went with me when I yanked on his arm. Crap! This was too close. Too freakin-

“Sunshine?! What are you doing?” 

-Close. Crap! I turned just as Cullen, Varric, Blackwall. (Who I had somehow yet to meet) and Maxwell… very irate looking Maxwell. 

“Why are you still here?” Cullen snapped and I flinched back.

“I’m sorry, he just…” I gestured at Roderick. “Needed help.” 

“Gut bleeding, ‘chantry is your safety’, he stopped a blade.” Cole said, stepping forward and flicking his blade to rid it of blood. That was terrifying. “She saved his life.” 

Cullen ran a hand over his face. “And now you need to get out of here.” 

Yeah, I was going to. Not that I said that out loud. 

“I think we have a bigger problem, Commander.” Maxwell snapped. “That’s a dragon!”

“Yes, I am not blind, Herald.” Cullen snapped and I couldn’t help flinching when he turned back to me. “You need to leave! Now.”

Crap, he was terrifying. I started to nod but froze when a heavy gauntleted hand grabbed my arm and I was suddenly being dragged back. I stumbled and tried to cover my head with my other arm, certain Maxwell had finally lost patience with me and I was about to be punished again. 

Suddenly the hand was gone and there was a muffled curse and I looked up to see Cole standing between me and Blackwall even as Varric pushed the warrior away. “You’re scaring her.”

I stumbled away. He was so big, and angry and- Cole suddenly crouched in front of me and put his hands on my face. “He isn’t going to go out like he’s supposed to. What do we do?” 

Blackwalls cheek was bleeding. Crap. “Cole-!”

“I won’t hurt him.” Cole said calmly and stepped back. “We don’t have much time. What do we do?”

Time… time. Crap! I turned to look at Cullen who was watching Cole and Blackwall cautiously. “We need to bury Haven!” 

“Bury-?” Cullen started, then understanding dawned in his eyes. “Of course.”

Varric cursed and fidgeted with Bianca, still angled between me and Blackwall.

“Have you gone completely mad?!” Maxwell fumed and I tried very hard not to flinch.

“If…” Cole stepped between me and Maxwell and it made it easier to speak. “If we don’t, they’ll just keep coming after us.”

“And I suppose you’re volunteering to go out and do this?” Maxwell said condescendingly.

I took a half step back but. “I… I would, but he wants the mark, that’s what he-he’s after. I’m just a cook. And… I don’t think I’m big enough to turn the trebuchet.” 

“Sunshine, you need to get out of here.” Varric said quietly. I shook my head, not until… not until I knew...

Maxwell ran a hand over his face and started pacing as Cullen started talking. “The trebuchet needs to be turned. It can cause an avalanche to cut us off from the army.”

Maxwell growled and punched the door. “Fine!” He jerked his head in my direction. “But she’s coming!” 

My mouth went dry and my stomach dropped in fear. 

“Absolutely not.” Varric snapped.

“Trevelyan, I don’t-“ Cullen started but Maxwell made a slashing motion with his hand that had me flinching backwards. 

“No.” Maxwell gritted. “If you want me to go out there, I’m taking her with me. Otherwise, you can go out yourself.” Then he laughed. “Besides, do you see any other mage? I need a barrier.”

“She’s a cook!” Cullen growled back and the dragon roared overhead, shaking the rafters of the chantry. Crap. 

The dragon. Corypheus. I felt the press of the children’s crayons in my pocket. I hadn’t remembered to take them out. The children. I had to… I swallowed and made myself hold still. “I’ll go.” My voice felt too small. But I… I could do this. I could help get everyone safe.

Cullen looked at me with surprise and then uncertainty. “Miss Rae…”

“I… I’ll go. I… I can barrier. I know that much. He… He has to do this.” I tried to breathe, I would not hyperventilate! I would not-

“Good. It’s settled.” Maxwell snapped and looked at Blackwall and Varric. “Come on!” 

I was shaking. Crap! I didn’t even know how to fight. Why was he dragging me along? 

“Because you can’t.” Cole said quietly, his voice hard and his eyes on Maxwell’s back. “I’m here, I’ll keep you hidden.” 

I nodded, grateful but unable to find my voice, then the doors opened and I was hit with a blast of cold air. Oh god. 

Varric came up to me and he looked furious as he pulled off his duster. “Here. It’s got a bit of protection to it.” I started to shake my head but Varric growled, actually growled. “Put on the damned jacket!” 

My mouth snapped shut and I tried not to flinch and did as he said. He sighed. “Sorry, Sunshine. This is a right mess.” 

I nodded. Crap. 

Cole stayed next to me the whole time as we made our way towards the trebuchet, I don’t think Maxwell could see him. I did my best to cast barriers on everyone, and thankfully most of the templars we ran into didn't seem to see me, but the ones that did Cole was there to deal with. 

My stomach was rolling at the sight of so much gore and violence, but I forced my feet to keep moving. Don’t think. Barrier. Don’t think about it. Npc, npc. Don’t think. Don’t think. Move. Barrier. No one can see me. Move. Barrier. I’m invisible. 

Varric paused in the path and looked around. “Sunshine? Rae!” But then cursed and rolled away from a templar’s blade and shot Bianca and Cole was hurrying me along the path. Barrier. Move. Invisible.

I chanted this to myself the whole time. Just kept moving. Then we were at the Trebuchet, and unlike the game there was no boss battle, no waves to fight. Maxwell jumped onto the stand and began turning the wheel, cursing the whole time. I tucked myself against it and tried to be small, quiet, invisible. Barrier. Small. Quiet. Invisible. 

Cole pressed one of his daggers into my hand.

Small. Quiet. Invisible.

Then the dragon screamed and I could see the other running and Maxwell started to follow, but Cole tripped him and he fell face first in the snow in front of the dragon as it landed with an earth shaking spray of snow. Cole flitted away and then sat down in the snow to watch. He pointed and I nodded. The mineshaft was there. 

Small. Quiet. Invisible.

Corypheus…

I didn’t look at him. 

Small. Quiet. Invisible.

It started, I could hear Coryphous talking. Don’t look. Small. Quiet. My heart was pounding. Small. Quiet. Invisible. 

Maxwell landed with a horrible crunching sound near my hiding place and I shrank further into my hiding place. Small. Quiet. Invisible. 

Corypheus said something in that horrible, distorted voice, but my eye was on the sky. There. An arrow. 

Maxwell wasn’t looking. He was hauling himself to his feet with his teeth gritted.

The signal.

I moved, swinging the dagger Cole had given me at the rope. It sliced through the rope like butter and the taut rope snapped apart, clipping my arm painfully, but that didn't matter. I grabbed Maxwell’s arm and yanked, terror making my teeth buzz as I barriered us. “Come on! Run!” 

It was a blur… running, jumping off the side of the wall then… “Move!” I felt myself shoved sideways and barely kept myself from tumbling face first into the snow. 

I saw Maxwell run past me, making a beeline for the shaft. Crap. I looked over and saw the wall of snow coming. Crap crap crap! I needed to get- I felt a tug on my arm and myself getting thrust forward.

“Hurry.” 

Cole!

He pulled me forward through the snow. The ground was shaking and it sounded like a freight train bearing down on me as I struggled to follow Maxwell’s wake and then- Cole wrapped his arms around me and jumped and he collided with Maxwell’s back, shoving him down into the mineshaft and carrying me down after him. Maxwell landed with a sharp, pained cry and then Cole landed on top of him with enough force to slam my teeth together and the snow thundered overhead.

And we were alive! I was alive! We made it! Cole pulled me up to stand and someone was laughing… oh that was me. I was laughing hysterically… and couldn’t stop. I was alive! 

“It’s okay. Laughing means you’re alive. Breath in the lungs and relief in your gut. You lived.” Cole said as he pulled me into a hug. “Again.” 

I hugged him back. I was alive and I could do that! I was alive! 

Maxwell groaned, then let out a stream of curses that were cut off by a pained cry and I pressed my face against Cole’s chest in relief-ish. He was alive. He was necessary. 

I gathered my courage, my hysterical laughter very much gone now, and went to check on Maxwell, staying out of arm’s reach as if that would help me. “Are… you alright?”

Maxwell’s head shot up to glare at me only to wince and grit out, “Do I look alright?!”

“Snapped, bone grinds together when I move. His legs are broken.” Cole said. “Too heavy.” 

Maxwell started and jerked in surprise, which resulted in a hiss of pain. “Who- who are you?”

“I’m Cole. You won’t remember me. She won’t let me kill you.” 

Okay… Cole was a Cinnamon Bun… a deadly cinnamon bun. “Thank you.”

Right. “How am I supposed to get him out of here with broken legs?” I fretted.

Cole moved and started pulling at the buckles of Maxwell’s armor, batting his hands aside easily when he tried to stop him. “You’ll have to drag him. I’ll help.”

“What are you doing?” Maxwell growled. He was pale and sweating.

“Making you lighter. She is very small and I will have to fight.” Cole said as he started sliding off a greave and Maxwell gasped in pain. “Not sorry.” 

I may have hid my face in my hand. This was… sweet in a terrible sort of way. But… drag him? I really, really didn't want to… have to touch him so… rope? Yeah… rope. There had to be rope around here, right? I had seen a picture of soldiers dragging others with rope, I’m sure I could… rig something up…

“I’ll do it.” Cole offered and pulled off the other greave. Maxwell barely bit back another cry that turned into a hiss. 

By the time Maxwell’s armor was completely removed and Cole had rigged a harness of sorts, Maxwell was sweating profusely and alarmingly pale. “Is there a way to keep him warm?” I didn’t like Maxwell, but I didn’t want him to freeze to death.

“Magic.” 

Oh. Right. “That’s… I’ve only done that on food though?” There’s a hundred ways that could go wrong.

Cole shrugged. “He doesn’t need his legs.”

I covered my face with my hand again. “Cole… no.” Fine. I could… try it on his leg first. Make sure it didn’t cook him before I did it on his core. 

I knelt and Maxwell made a distressed noise. “What are you doing!?”

“Ten degrees is enough to take a quiche from room temperature to warm, but enough to cause a human body to shut down.” I muttered and then put my hand over his leg. “I’m making sure I don’t cook your heart accidentally.” 

“Don’t smite her. If you do, she won’t be able to drag you to safety.” Cole warned suddenly. “I will leave you. You’ll die.” 

Maxwell cursed and tried to lean back as far from me as he could. 

Funny, having someone scared of me, even someone as terrible as Maxwell just… felt bad. It made my stomach roll. I concentrated and tried the warming spell on his leg. Cole helpfully pulled a dagger and cut his pant leg so I could see, and while the leg was a bruised, swollen mess, it wasn’t scalded or browned so… “Yay. I can keep us from freezing.” 

“Just you… and him.” Cole said adding that last bit with a hint of reluctance. Did he sound disappointed? “Yes.”

Right. “Cole, I love you, but that’s terrifying.”

“I know.” He gave me a smile and handed me the rope. So, I cast the spell on myself first, feeling a flood of warmth… a little too warm I had to dial it back a bit... and then cast it on Maxwell. That done, I looped the rope over my shoulders like backpack straps.

The first few steps were horrible… not for me, (though he was heavy) for Maxwell. He practically howled in pain as his legs were dragged over the uneven ground and the sound he made… I cringed and tried not to be sick at the guilt gnawing at my gut.

“You’re not a bad person. The pain is because you are saving him.” Cole said softly. Then pulled his daggers and flitted ahead of me down the mineshaft. 

Fortunately, Maxwell fell silent after a few yards. (Pretty sure he passed out, but I wasn’t stopping to check) It was both easier and harder to move without him screaming. Easier because, you know, no screaming, and harder because then the only sound was my steps and breathing and the sound of his body dragging over the ground. Cole flitted back and took one of the ropes and helped me pull.

“Can you sing right now?” He asked. “I like it when you sing.”

“Not…” I huffed. “Right now. Air.” 

“You can think it.”

Right. I ended up running through my entire playlist back home in my head as we moved down the mineshaft. Cole ducked ahead to deal with demons, and I stopped before we went out in the snow to reapply the warming spells. And then we were in the cold, icy wind biting at my face and burning in my lungs as we struggled to haul Maxwell through the deep snow. Cole started humming, that helped… a little. It hurt. It was cold despite the warming spell. He was heavy. My legs were aching, the rope biting into my skin.

Just one foot in front of the other. 

One more step.

Wolves howling. 

One more step.

Solas?

One more step.

“They found us.” Cole said with relief.

“Rae?” The Iron Bull said and I was too tired to be anything but relieved as I was picked up and pressed against a warm chest. 

“Th’ Her’ld.” I murmured and curled up into the warm.

I felt a hand press against my arm and warmth flood through me. “That was foolish.” Solas.

The Iron Bull grunted and then I was being shifted. “Let’s go.” I felt them start walking. I was so tired and could easily curl into his warmth… but something was wrong. I could hear crunching of feet but… not the ever constant slide on a body over the snow. I forced my head up. “The Herald?” 

“Um.” The Iron Bull sounded fishy. 

I glanced over my shoulder and Solas and Cole both were empty handed. No, no. “We have to bring him back.”

“Do we?” The Iron Bull looked back and frowned. “He looks dead.”

“Yes!” I was so tired but I didn’t drag him all this way just to leave him! I could’ve done that in the mine… actually, no I couldn’t have. “He is not dead.” He couldn’t be. I had tried so hard and he had the anchor. 

“Ugh.” The Iron Bull groaned, and Solas sighed, but Cole and Solas picked up the ropes and started dragging Maxwell. 

Well… that was better than leaving him I guess. A large hand came up and pressed my head down against his chest and I was too tired to freak out. “Sleep, Rae.”

I could do that. 

  
  



	24. Chapter 24

I was the type of warm that meant that it was very cold out. My legs ached, but I could feel itching in my hands, feet and arm that meant healing. I tried to move but found that I was trapped in a veritable cocoon of blankets. “Oof.” 

“Hey, Sunshine.” Varric said.

I turned my head to see him sitting near the cot I was laying in. 

“You apparently didn’t run back to the chantry as soon as he wasn't looking.” Varric said dryly.

Um. No? “You needed barriers.” 

Varric huffed. “You disappeared. I thought you had gone back.” He groaned. “I feel like I should have known better. Why’d you bother dragging him along, Sunshine?”

Um… “He couldn't walk... I could and… I couldn’t leave him.” I sighed and struggled to sit up, seriously whoever wrapped me up should talk to Taco Belle for a job; I was basically a burrito.

Varric shook his head and leaned forward, pressing gently down on my shoulder to make me lay back down. “Rae, the waste attacked you, beat you, and terrorized you. You would have been justified in leaving him. He doesn't own you.”

“Maybe justified but… I couldn’t.” I didn’t know how to explain it. “Besides. He still has the mark.” 

“We could have figured something else out.”

I winced. “He’s still a person. A life.” Varric sighed and looked like he was about to argue that so I tried again. “When I no longer care about a person's life, what does that make me? Maybe I didn’t save him for him… maybe it was for me.” I said quietly, worrying a piece of blanket between my fingers. “So I didn’t lose myself.” What kind of person would that make me? To walk away from someone suffering, knowing I could help? You find a man bleeding out on the side of the road you don’t stop to wonder if the man deserved it or not. You tried to help. 

He stared at me for a long moment before shaking his head. “Thedas doesn't deserve you, Sunshine.” 

Um. Okay. “Are the kids okay?” 

Varric huffed and leaned back. “Yeah, Tiny’s guys have them.” Oh… that meant Krem had them. “And… Chuckles asked if you would be alright if he came in when you woke up.”

Uh… why was he-? Oh… yeah. I felt myself flush in embarrassment and shame at the reminder of not only his kiss but that fact I had basically rejected him because I was a coward. I wasn’t sure if I could face him but… I owed him that much… more really. “Um… yeah… that-that’s fine.”

Varric’s eyebrows raised. “You sure there, Sunshine? You don’t have-”

I nodded and sank further into the blankets. “Yeah. I’m… I’m sure.” 

Varric frowned but nodded, slapping his knees as he stood. “Alright, Sunshine.” He turned and I realized something.

“Varric?”

He stopped and looked back at me. “Yeah.”

“Your… duster.”

Varric looked down at the duster he was now wearing and chuckled, shaking his head. “Ah, I’m sorry Sunshine, but I’m too attached. We’ll see about getting you your own though.” Right, because I had been asleep for a while and healed apparently. Of course he had already taken back his duster.

He left and I started trying to wiggle out of my burrito a la blanket before Solas showed up, but had barely managed to get an arm free and realize that ‘oh crap I’m naked’ before Solas ducked into the tent. I froze, and then blushed and pressed my arm to my chest as if that would help… yeah I had bared my shoulder… wonderful. Awkward conversations anyone? “H-hey.”

Solas gave me a slight, timid looking smile and moved to sit in the chair Varric had vacated, but he didn’t say anything right away and just looked at his hands in his lap. 

“Um-“

“Forgive me.” What? He still wasn’t looking at me.

“For-forgive you?” Why was he apologizing to me? He-

“I… know this is not an opportune time, but I felt I could not let it lie.” He said quietly. “I apologize, Renae. I should not have…” He exhaled shakily. “I was overcome with emotion but I should not have taken advantage of you so. Forgive me, please.” 

I… "of course." I said automatically. Take advantage of me?

Solas looked relieved. "Thank you, lethallan. I do not… you do not owe me anything. I do… wish you to know that."

If I hadn’t been naked under the blanket I might have hugged him… he looked like he needed it. “Thank you, Solas.” He smiled and I bit my cheek before asking. “How-How’s Maxwell?”

Solas’s smile immediately slipped. “He will live, which is a great deal more than he deserves.” I opened my mouth but Solas cut me off. “Do not scold me, Lethallan,”

My mouth snapped shut automatically but I forced myself to say quietly. “He has the mark.” 

He made a slight hissing noise between his teeth. “Unfortunately.” 

I couldn’t really say anything… no one could know if another option would have been any better. So I stayed quiet and waited for Solas to speak again. 

He looked at his hands again before speaking carefully. “You need to lead them to Skyhold.” 

I… what? “But-!”

“I cannot.” He interrupted me. “I am an elvhen apostate, lethallan. They would not follow my guidance. Trevelyan cannot lead in his condition, and there are too many people out in the cold to wait for him to heal.”

“But I’m just a cook! They won’t believe I know where an ancient fort is!”

“One who has proven that she will sacrifice herself for people, who brought back the one who can seal the rifts to her own peril.” He countered with an odd expression. “They will follow you to safety.”

I shook my head. “Solas, I don’t think-“

“The children can’t stay in the cold while we wait on Trevelyan to recover, Lethallan.”

That was low. And effective. “But I don’t even know where it is!” I protested, probably futilely because I would bet he-

“I can share the knowledge of the location with you.” He gave me another odd look. “If you need.” 

I did my best to give him a flat look. “A general direction would be helpful, yes.”

He chuckled and leaned forward, holding up a hand that had gently started to glow… a soft green light. “May I?”

“So it’s an… memory transference thing?” I asked carefully, but leaned forward slightly in a gesture of permission.

“For lack of a better description, yes.” Solas smiled and touched his hand to my temple… aaaaaand nothing.

I didn’t feel any different. No flashes of thought, images, dramatic montage. Nothing. “Um.”

Solas pulled his hand away and looked pleased. “There.”

“I… uh, don’t-“

“Where is Skyhold?”

I blinked as a sudden detailed location seemed to jump out at me, into my foremind. Okay. I guess it's like telling someone not to think of pink elephants or ‘the game’ game. “Wow, okay.”

Solas chuckled and sat back. “You were expecting something more dramatic.”

Well… yeah. “Well, it was not exactly ‘jazz hands’ worthy, but still cool.”

He gave me an amused smile and then… put his hands up and shook them. “Ta-da.”

I snorted, because that. That was hilarious! A plaintive meow made me look down just in time to see Sage before she jumped up onto the cot with me and I breathed out a sigh of relief and guilt when I saw her, I had completely forgotten to make sure she was safe. “Hey, baby!”

She came up and bumped her forehead to my shoulder in greeting, purring the whole time. 

“The Iron Bull had his captain collect her for you.”

Oh… “That-“ that was actually nice of him, but then again the kids loved her so… makes sense he would grab her for them.

There was a knock on the post at the front of the tent. “Ser Solas,” A distinct Orlaisian accented voice that was completely unmistakable, called out. “May I come in? I have brought clothing for Lady Rae.” ‘Lady whaa’? 

Solas gave me an amused glance and then stood. “I will leave you for the moment.”

Which, yeah. I’d rather not get dressed in front of him but- Lady Rae? What? He left the tent and then a moment later, Mother Giselle ducked in with a bundle of fabric under her arm. 

“Lady Rae. We have not met officially, but I have heard much of you.” She said with a soft smile as she moved to unfold the bundle onto the chair. “I am Mother Giselle, but I am sure you already knew that.”

I nodded mutely. Why was she here? And calling me Lady? I was a cook? She was supposed to be with Maxwell. ‘Dawn will come’ and hope speech. “Yes, ma’am.” 

“It was a very brave thing you did, guarding the mark and bringing it back.” She said softly as she helped untangle me from the blankets, dislodging a miffed looking Sage from the cot and not even blinking at my nakedness, I was completely naked except for a pair of thedas’ bulky underwear… really hoping it wasn’t Solas’ or Varric’s or... crap anyone I thought of would be embarrassing. Sage flicked her tail and jumped right back up onto the cot.

“Anyone would have.” I protested, even as my mind replayed Solas and Cole and The Iron Bull walking away from Maxwell in the snow. “The mark is the only thing that can seal the rifts.”

She was silent for a moment and then spoke softly. “We put a lot of hope in the man bearing the mark. Its light blinded us to the man wielding it. We were so focused on the war ship moving through the waters that we did not see the wind guiding it.”

That… sounded poetic and what? It sounded like… she was not going to sing for Trevelyan, crap. I realized she was dressing me like a doll and moved to help her pull on the pants. “Wind is fickle.” I tried, “People need to believe… The Herald has the mark.”

She was quiet for a moment. “He has the mark, but the people… They have noticed that he does not use it for them. Which should they put their faith in, Lady Rae? The warrior who strikes servants or the woman who protects and feeds at the cost of her own?” 

“I’m just a cook!” I looked at her in disbelief, this wasn’t… she was supposed to be with Maxwell. “Why are you here?” I whispered. I just messed up this whole thing while trying to help. 

Mother Giselle smiled and put her hand under my chin gently. “A blade of grass does not see its worth, yet without it the dune is swept into the sea.” Uhh... “The council is arguing. They do not know what we must do next.”

“I… know of a place.” I hazarded, focusing on the problem I could fix and get my kids out of the snow ASAP, and pushed my arms into the sleeves of my shirt.

She closed her eyes in relief. “That is good. I am certain your quiet light will guide us.” She stood and smiled softly. “I know you have been through much today, but if you can, I would ask you to speak to the council and give them hope.” 

Uhh… “I… will try?”

“That is all any of us can do.” She said before dipping and- why was she bowing?! Then she was gone. 

Sage meowed and I looked down where she was curled up on the blankets kneading her claws into the fabric, and if a cat ever looked smug… “What have I gotten myself into?” I sighed before pulling on the socks and boots that were thankfully right by the cot. No awkward searching. 

I poked my head through the opening of the tent first, cold… and dark, fires everywhere. Okay. I stepped back and took a deep breath before making my feet move. I could do this. I tripped over a dip in the snow. Crap, that did not instill confidence. 

The council was arguing over the table, just like I remembered from the game, and I had to take a deep breath to scrape up my courage to approach the obviously irritated people. I may have been hugging myself by the time I was close enough for Leliana to hold up her hand and shush Josephine and Cullen. “Miss Rae?”

I fidgeted and tried to think of how to say it… but the words seemed stuck in my throat. Cullen was looking at me, Josephine and Lelianna and crap. I tried again but all that came out was a stuttering of “I-I-I” Crap, the table had a map… Josie had a quill... okay. I forced myself to step forward and move before I could think too much on it and took the quill from the stand. Where was Skyhold? There. Circle. “H-here.”

Josephine peered at the circle. “The frostbacks? Why there?”

Okay, I could.. I could do this. Breathe. “Um. Th- there’s a fort. Abandoned.” I felt a little relief at a direct question. “And… it’s… on- on the border. N-neither Orlais or Fereldon. N-neutral.” 

“Avaar territory?” Lelianna asked, peering at the map. 

I nodded then flinched as something was draped over my shoulders. Cullen stepped back and held up his hands cautiously… his cloak was on my shoulders… engulfing me (very warm)… Why? I gripped the edges and tried to say ‘thank you’ but it came out an unintelligible mumble. 

“Where exactly?” He asked quietly.

“N-north of Stone Bear’s Hold.” Wait, shoot. I shouldn’t know that! Crap, well it was said, I couldn’t take it back now. “It’s called Skyhold. An old Avaar hold, before that it belonged to elves.”

Leliana didn’t even twitch… okay, I guess when you're stuck in the snow, you don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, but I was certain I would get grilled with questions once we got there.

Cullen was peering at the map with an intense expression and I cautiously added, “I… know the way.” Because I did, for some odd reason. The memory transfer led from where we were to Skyhold. It was weirdly specific.

“Spymaster.” I jumped at the voice behind me and pressed a hand to my chest in a vain attempt to still my heart. 

Then there was a cautious hand on my shoulder and I looked up to Cassandra giving me a concerned look. “Are you well?” 

I nodded just as Leliana answered the person who had startled me. “Yes? How is he?” 

The mage fidgeted uncomfortably. “We healed as much damage as we could but… someone gave him a healing potion before we could set the bones and they healed improperly. He also lost some of his toes and fingers to the snow but… all in all,” he swallowed and looked as if he was afraid of their reaction. “He will live… but, I fear he will not be able to walk properly again, and will definitely not be able to wield a sword with any effectiveness. A spirit healer might be able to rebreak the bones and heal them properly, but… we do not have any among us.” 

Leliana made a humming sound before flicking her wrist. “Thank you I’m sure you did would you could,”

The mage bowed and backed away and I fought the twist of guilt in my gut. I wasn’t fast enough. ‘Never be able to walk properly’ and ‘not able to wield a sword’. The words sank like a stone in my gut. Without Maxwell to fight, to close the rifts, without- “I’m sorry.” I was too slow. 

“You have nothing to apologize for.” Cassandra said, her voice oddly soft. “You did more than could be possibly expected.” 

What were they going to do without Maxwell? Coryphous needed a rival, and if Maxwell couldn’t fight, couldn’t- 

“You still need rest Miss Rae.” Josephine said quietly, and put her hand on my other shoulder. I hadn’t even realized she moved. “Thank you for telling us about the fortress. Commander Cullen and I will make all the necessary arrangements to move in the morning.”

Dismissal? That sounded kinda like a dismissal. “Yes ma’am.” I turned and started back in the direction I came from only to stop as Cullen’s cloak started dragging behind me. Right. I carefully took it off and folded it before turning back and handing it to him with another murmured ‘thank you’. 

He didn’t say anything, only carefully took it from me, so I turned back around and ‘walked’ towards the tent I had woken up in… only I had somehow lost it in the veritable sea of tents. Joy.

It wouldn’t have been so bad if they were colored or different from each other… but no, they were all the same. Same size. Same color… nothing different. Crap. Okay, don’t freak out, you’re not a kid lost in a supermarket. I just started walking. I’d bump into someone right? Ugh, I was pathetic.

"Hey, Cook!" I turned at the sound of Krem’s voice to see him with a hand raised to get my attention and a bundled child on his hip. My child. 

I turned towards him, not that I especially wanted to face him right now, but Garth’s head popped out of the blanket and he looked close to tears. "You were gone!" 

“Oh sweetie,” I felt horrible as I took him from Krem's arms and hugged him. The last time he saw me was when we left to close the breach… who knows how long ago. “I’m sorry, sweetheart.”

"Come sit down, Miss cook. We have a fire and some soup. The other two are with us." Krem led me by the elbow to a large fire. All the Chargers and Lionel and Brea were there, and… the Iron Bull. He had Meraad on his lap, though he let her scramble out of it and tackle my legs in a hug when she saw me. Kalin appeared and scowled at me before turning to press his shoulder against my leg. 

I knelt and hugged Meraad then offered an arm to Kalin, he looked at me for a long moment before turning and running over to sit next to The Iron Bull's leg… I tried not to let it hurt. He was scared and probably thought I left him. The Iron Bull had been the one to get them safely out. 

Kalin frowned at me and fidgeted before pointing to the space next to him, hesitantly, as if he thought I wouldn't. My heart broke as I moved to sit down next to him. I didn’t even care if I was right next to The Iron Bull now. 

Kalin gave me a relieved look and then scooted so our arms were barely brushing. Meraad wiggled under my other arm and Garth very slowly carried a bowl from the fire to me. “Careful, it’s hot.”

I started crying, but unlike all the other times I’ve cried in Thedas, these were tears of relief and thankfulness. I had my kids and they were safe. We survived. I ended up setting the bowl aside and just holding them, Kalin leaning against my side. I don’t remember who asked me to sing… someone did. I don’t even know why. I wasn’t a good singer. 

But I sang. A song of hope. Something for the kids. “Someday, when we are wiser. When the world's older. When we have learned.” My voice was shaky but I tried, I sang it like a lullaby, for them. Low, quiet. “I pray someday we may yet live to live and let live. Someday, life will be fairer. Need will be rarer and greed will not pay.” They needed something to look forward to in their future. “Godspeed, this bright millenia, on it's way, let it come someday.” 

My voice cracked on the higher note but the kids didn’t seem to mind. I was singing to them. For them. “Someday our fight will be won, and we'll stand in the sun, in that bright afternoon. 'Til then, on days when the sun is gone, we'll hang on, if we wish upon the moon.”

“There are some days, dark and bitter, it seems we haven't got a prayer. But a prayer for something better, is the one thing we all share.” I didn’t raise notes, there was no way I could match the original singer, why bother trying. “Someday, when we are wiser, when the whole world is older, when we have love. I pray someday we may yet live to live and one day life will be fairer, Need will be rarer and greed will not pay. Godspeed this bright millenia. Let it come, if we wish upon the moon. One day, someday... soon.” I let my voice trail off and pressed my face into Garth's hair before kissing his head and then Meraad’s, leaning over to lightly brush a kiss to Kalin’s head. 

I just sat there after that. No one spoke to me, there were a few whispers but they weren't to me so I ignored them and just held my babies. 

I don’t remember falling asleep. 

I didn’t visit the fade. 

I do remember waking up in a tent, very warm, pressed against The Iron Bull’s side. Garth and Meraad were sleeping on his chest with Kalin curled on his other side. I shifted onto my elbows to look at them. His eye opened and looked at me and… Whether it was my sleep addled mind or that the kids were here, I somehow knew that this was ‘Kitchen Iron Bull’. I wasn’t terrified, not even when his arm curled around me and guided me to lay back down. I was warm. The kids were warm and everyone was safe.

“Go back to sleep, Rae.” His voice was quiet, a gentle whisper. 

I could do that.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heheh I made A&F ‘awwww!” Lol I feel accomplished


	25. Chapter 25

Someone had the bright idea to put me on a horse… seriously, it’s like they hadn’t learned the first time. And this wasn’t a nice paved road either. No, this was steep, uneven, snow covered mountain paths. I ended up gripping the saddle thing for dear life while The Iron Bull once again held the reins to my horse and caught me if I started to slip. At least now I wasn’t screaming when he had to catch me. He had Meraad on the horse with him, so he was safe to be around.

“Are you sure I can’t walk?”

“I’m half afraid if we let you walk you would disappear into a snow bank.” Cullen said as he rode by with enviable ease to speak with a scout or something official. 

“That only happened once.” I muttered at my saddle. I had been trying to sneak off to pee in privacy and had mistaken a snow bank for a rock and had ended up falling in and having to dig my way out.

“Once too many.” Cullen chuckled and turned in his saddle to look behind us, seriously?! I didn’t need another reminder how inept I was at riding. 

“You’ll learn.” The Iron Bull said quietly

I realized I was glaring at Cullen and dropped my eyes before he could turn back and realize, very grateful The Iron Bull had said something before I was caught.

I hadn’t seen Maxwell since dragging him, but I was told he was in one of the carts behind us. Apparently he was being closely observed by the healers as they had to drastically lower his lyrium dose to allow his body to respond properly to the healing magic. And he couldn’t walk yet. 

That was my fault. If I had just been faster…

“Getting close yet?” The Iron Bull’s low rumble snapped me out of my thoughts 

“Uh… a- yes.” According to Cullen, we were making great time, and with Solas’ memory transfer, I knew the way but… it was still weird to be expected to know stuff. 

I was also now apparently expected to meet with Leliana, Josephine and Cullen every morning and evening. I found that out by being dragged away from the cooking fire. I was going to help with the breakfast but Josephene appeared and took my arm, leading me towards the tent they seemed to be using for council. Then it happened again when we stopped and I was walking in the direction of the mess fire, when Leliana intercepted me. I didn’t like the unease that began to settle in my gut at this.

We had been traveling for a few days, thankfully better prepared for the elements then we would have otherwise been. Plus, we had mages. I still couldn’t believe that they took that suggestion. The first day we made almost no head way through the snow. Cullen had been frustrated, and… growly. The snow was nearly impossible and it was difficult for carts and animals to trudge through, let alone the people who were on foot. 

“Could we make details to shovel the snow, and make a path?” Josephine had asked.

“With what? Their hands?” Cullen sighed. “We did not bring shovels ambassador. “An oversight we are paying for.”

“Opinion, Miss Rae?” Leliana asked, one arm crossed with the other under her chin. I was learning to dread those words from her. 

“Um… melt it?”

They blinked at me so I forced out an explanation. “With… magic.” They still blinked so I stuck my hand out over a clump of snow and did my warming spell and the snow immediately melted away. “You... have an army of mages.”

Leliana had given me that terrifying smile. “So we do.” 

The next morning there were mages at the front of the line, melting the snow and drying the water so we weren’t trudging through mud. The last part was ingenious. 

The kids and I stayed mostly around the Chargers… and The Iron Bull… and strangely I didn’t mind. He always had one or two of the kids with him and that, that made it easier. On the occasions he didn’t have the kids he was helping Cullen with something. We mostly slept together… for warmth. The kids needed to stay warm and, if I was honest, he was very warm and more often than not I woke curling into his side for the body heat. Awkward, mildly terrifying, but again, the kids were there and The Iron Bull didn’t ever do anything more than maybe use me like a teddy bear once or twice. I was a little worried what would happen when we got to Skyhold though, would he still expect me to stay with him?

Later. Think about it later. 

Lionel and Brea stayed with the Chargers as well. I was almost certain they were becoming honorary members… though Brea kept giving me concerned looks and The Iron Bull wary ones. It was around the fourth day when he called me ‘momma Rae’ in front of the Chargers… they wouldn’t let it go now. On the one hand, ‘momma Rae’ was… well better not to think about that night. On the other hand, having a scarred, heavily armed man call you ‘momma’ was… hilarious. And weird… hilariously weird. 

At one point, Cassandra came over to the fire, giving The Iron Bull a glare before asking me if I was alright and if I was there of my own will. It was very blunt and… sweet actually. But ultimately useless because, one, I was here of my own will. (the kids were here) Two… even if I wasn’t I probably wouldn’t have said otherwise with The Iron Bull sitting  _ right next to me _ ? But it was sweet, and I smiled and told her I was fine. 

She nodded but seemed reluctant to leave. 

“You want to eat with us, Seek?” The Iron Bull asked her and tilted his head towards Kalin, who was peering up at Cassandra’s armor curiously. “Think the kid wants to meet you.”

“Oh.” She blinked and then hesitantly sat down in the space beside Lionel when he scooted over to make room for her. Kalin glanced at me and The Iron Bull, and when we nodded, moved over to rock on his heels nervously in front of Cassandra.

“Can I draw you?” He asked quietly.

“Oh.” She seemed very uncomfortable. “Yes, I suppose.”

He grinned at her and ran off to get the colors and paper from his bag and then raced back to sit in front of her and try to draw, but the paper kept bending and the ground was too bumpy to rest it on. He was getting frustrated, and then Lionel dug through his own bag and pulled out a book and handed it to Kalin. “Here, try this.” 

Kalin happily accepted the book and set his paper on it and I startled when Cassandra made a surprised… squeaking noise in her throat. “Is…?”

Lionel blushed but didn't say anything. We ate, Cassandra watching Kalin draw very closely, even gently nudging his hand before he got off of the paper. She seemed puzzled by the tiny person, and even more puzzled when Kalin presented a very detailed for a (oh. I didn’t know how old he was…) kid’s drawing of her armor, and a green smudge for her face. “It is… unique.” She settled on.

He grinned at her and ran over to show The Iron Bull. 

“He never draws the faces.” Lionel said as he very quickly grabbed the book he had loaned Kalin and tried to shove it into his bag before anyone could get a good look at it. 

“That was a first edition.” Cassandra said.

Lionel blushed and covered his face with his hand. “Yes.”

“How did you…?”

“I bought it when it first came out.” 

“Oh.” She sounded… impressed and-

“Oh! It’s-” I realized what book it must be. 

“Please don’t.” Lionel said into his hand, his neck and ears turning a bright red. 

I may have snickered… I totally snickered. “Well, Lionel, we could just put you in front to melt the snow.”

“Makers tears.” Lionel groaned and I snickered again. He narrowed his eyes at me, still blushing. “I can and will make you read it out loud.” 

“That would only confirm that it belongs to you.” I stuck my tongue out at him.

“Yeah, that cat’s already out of the bag.” Krem laughed as he shoved a bowl of stew into my hands, not my stew but decent, and then walked off.

After that Cassandra came over for a few minutes each night… and it was nice. I think she was just coming over for Lionel though once she seemed certain I was alright around The Iron Bull. The two of them would kind of shift off by themselves and talk with red faces and the book open between them. It was cute. 

Vivianne sent a formal invitation to her tent on the second day out, it would have been intimidating I think if she hadn’t been so kind to me before. I had to get help from Cole to find it but when I got there I was shocked that she had somehow managed to get a tub out here. I mean it wasn’t huge, but it was filled with hot steaming water. And because I was ‘pocket sized’, I could fit comfortably into it. If it was for me…

“There you are, Darling.” She said. “I had a bit of trouble finding a chance to speak with you in all of this chaos. Let’s get you cleaned up.”

I hugged her! Say what you will about Vivienne, that is not this Vivienne. This Vivienne was amazing! She even accepted my hug gracefully. 

I got a bath and almost fell asleep in the tub, the water was magically kept just the right temperature. I almost wanted to cry when I had to get out. Then we ate supper and drank tea… tea. Because Vivianne had somehow brought tea with her. Was it just me or was everyone really prepared for this?

Solas came over everyday… though he never stayed long. Only to see the kids before bed and ask how I was. The Iron Bull didn’t growl at him but he did watch him like a hawk. 

I felt a little like a bone between a pair of dogs, honestly. It was weird… I was definitely not mentioning the kiss to The Iron Bull. Ever. Ever ever.  _ Ever _ . 

I was trying to help set up one of the tents one evening when a very familiar voice had me jumping and whirling.

“Lady Rae?”

Roderick? “Chancellor Roderick? How may I help you?” I said uncertainly. What was with this ‘lady’ stuff?

He smiled and… wow that was so weird to see on his usually scowly self. “I realized I had not yet thanked you for saving my life.”

Oh... “Um, you’re welcome?” Okay. That was out of the way. But… he wasn’t leaving...

“You saved many lives, in fact.” He said. “Not only with your warnings, but also with your part in securing our retreat.” 

“Um.” Wasn’t Maxwell the one who got thrown like a ragdoll by Corypheous? “I really did do much, Chancellor.“

“I had my doubts about the so-called Herald.”

Oh no. 

“And while I may have been proven right on that matter, I am happy to find that the Maker does indeed move in mysterious ways and help comes from quarters unlooked for.”

...What? “I’m a cook.”

“And the hero of Ferelden a Dalish Elf and our king an orphan.” He countered before smiling. “Until later, Lady Rae.”

Crap.

At… least he wasn’t swinging his angry speeches my way? I would probably cry if he did. Optimism… once we got to Skyhold I could go to the nice, large kitchens and disappear. 

Right?

Varric visited and sat by the fire to work on reading with me and the kids. Dorian came by too, unfortunately during a reading lesson while I was carefully sounding out the words of the childrens’ book. 

I felt my face flame in embarrassment when he blinked at me and then asked. “Wait, you can’t read?”

When I didn't answer, he shook his head and turned around... It was silly, he didn’t know me from anyone, but it still… I felt like crying over Dorian knowing I couldn't read. 

“You alright there Sunshine?” Varric asked in concern. “You’re doing good for just starting out, better than I did, just give it time.” 

“Thanks.” I mumbled. Yeah, that killed my enthusiasm. I know it was stupid but… that was Dorian. 

I was working out the last batch of words Varric had given me when Dorian came back, completely freaking me out by dropping to sit on the log next to me with an armload of books. “A mind as sharp as yours mustn't be wasted. We will be fixing the reading issue as quickly as possible.”

Varric frowned. “What do you think I’ve been doing, Sparkler?” I gaped at both of them as Varric picked up one of the books Dorian brought and shook his head. “This is too advanced, it will discourage her. You start off small, work your way up to...” Varric paused and then huffed. “Can I borrow this?”

I tried to sound out the title but Varric shoved it into his jacket before I could. That wasn’t fair. 

We started having a reading session every evening when we camped. It was awesome. Though Dorian and Varric did have a… difference of opinion on what me and the kids should be taught from but hey, I’d take it. 

Most of the trip I got away with sticking with the Chargers and just telling Cullen where to head to. But… Solas called out that morning while leading a horse up to the Chargers’ fire… not a pony, a freakin monster charger horse. “You should ride in front today.”

“Nope, I’m good.” I took a step back only to squeak in surprise as I was suddenly lifted from the ground and plopped onto the monster, this thing could be a Clydesdale, and… oh boy that was a long way down. 

“I have you.” The Iron Bull said. Of course he was the culprit. And though I think he meant it as a comfort it was far from comforting. I could fall and impale myself on his horn… I closed my eyes and tried to breathe through my fears. It’s not that bad… you’re fine. You’re fine. 

“Posturing is necessary, Lethallan.” Solas spoke and his voice sounded like he was smirking at my expense. 

“You can shove your ‘posturing’ where the sun don’t shine.” Okay, that was a bit harsh but he did bring the horse so… I blamed him. Then I realized. “Wait. Why am I posturing? I shouldn’t be posturing, I’m just a cook!” 

“You are leading them to Skyhold, are you not?” Solas raised an eyebrow at me. 

I narrowed my eyes at him. “And whose fault is that!” I hissed. Then realized The Iron Bull was watching us with a very amused expression and clamped my mouth shut. “Fine.” 

So that was how I was at the front of the caravan… fun. It wasn’t fun. For one, there was a ton more wind up here because you were at the front and there were no carts and people to act as windbreakers. Two: This horse was much bigger than I was used to and I was feeling like I was doing the splits. Three: 

“Lady Rae-”

That. 

I craned my head as far as it would go without turning my body, tumbling onto the ground was not on my list of things to do today thank you. “Yes?” 

Then nearly yelped as a horse was pulled from a canter to a walk next to me, making the monster I was on do an odd sidestep but the Iron Bull’s hand was right there to keep me on.

“We have not had a chance to meet properly, Warden Blackwall at your assistance, My Lady.” He spoke loudly and then thrust his hand out in a greeting and I hated that I flinched. 

I scolded myself internally and forced my hand out to shake his. “Rae… cook.”

“I have heard much of you, these past few days.” He said with a smile. 

Uhh… what was I supposed to say to that? “Exaggerations… p-probably.” I tried to sound confident but yeah… why was everyone so big? And loud.

He laughed and I managed not to flinch at the loud sound. He was… intimidating, more so than in the game. He started talking… about wardens and I had to bite my tongue, (not that that was hard to do) I liked how well written his character was and his redemption arc but the man… the Man riding next to me was easily pegged as a fake. Probably because I knew more about Wardens thanks to Origins, but still… if Leliana hadn’t seen through him I would be very disappointed.

He was still talking to me and I realized I was staring at him in frozen panic, but… seriously. He was twice my size and loud and I was still trying not to fall off of the monster horse. 

Eventually he went quiet and was looking at me expectantly. Uhh. I blinked at him and he laughed. Okay?

“Do you have any questions, My Lady?”

I shook my head quickly. I really didn’t. “It’s… cook.” I really didn’t want to be a ‘Lady’.

“Of course, Lady Cook.” 

Which… no, that wasn’t what I meant. That wasn’t even my last name. I was still trying to think of how to clear that up when Solas rode up. “Warden Blackwall, the Commander requested your presence.”

“Ah, thank you.” Blackwall smiled and tilted his head to me. “My Lady.”

Then he was gone and Solas guided his horse over to take his place. “Are you well?”

I started to nod but he gave me a flat glance so I shook my head. “He’s just… big.” It sounded lame to say out loud. Especially with The Iron Bull next to me, but then again, I had the same shaky feeling when I was around him when the kids weren’t there too. 

Solas made an ‘Ah’ sound and we rode quietly for a while before the horses stopped and I looked up from where my hands had been glued to the horn of the saddle. Solas was smiling and he waved a hand in front of us. “Welcome to Skyhold, Renae.”


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *presses ‘post’ then dives behind the couch*

Skyhold was beautiful, in an ‘ancient ruin’ sort of way. Majestic, huge, and very, very cold. There was a lot of commotion in the courtyard as tents were set up, teams were organized, so on. Lots of shouting. Lots of very large people moving quickly. I… snuck up into Skyhold proper and picked my way through the stones, debris, rotting furniture and cobwebs until I found the kitchen. I then promptly curled up in a corner of the kitchen and tried to hold onto my body’s warmth while I made a mental list of what I needed to do to get this place running. They would let me have the kitchen, right? I could probably bribe Josephine with a souffle.

The first day I couldn’t really do much but on the second I was able to snag Brea and I bribed Skinner and Grim with the promise of cinnamon rolls to help me clean the kitchen out. Everything rotten was burned outside, the chimney was cleared and cleaned and every surface was scrubbed. I was on my hands and knees scrubbing the stone floor clean when Cullen walked in…. and promptly tripped over me because I was right next to the door and he hadn’t seen me.

Other than a bruised arm I was fine though, but he still felt horrible about it. I am not proud to say I milked that for everything I could get. The kitchens were  _ mine _ . He said so. I got help finishing the cleaning too.

I was excited when we stopped for the day and I returned to the Chargers fire for supper. The kids and I still slept in the Iron Bulls tent. It was still cold and Solas said it would take a week to get the old protection wards working. Yup, Skyhold had elemental wards… like a thermostat. A fantasy, elvish, magical thermostat.

Things were looking up!

So, of course, I got ambushed by Leliana. When I was heading to the kitchen the next morning “Miss Rae. Would you come with me?”

The smart answer was, “of course.” The answer I gave was also, “Of course.” 

I fell into step behind her and then balked when I realized she was leading me to a very familiar door. She paused and raised her eyebrows at me and I ducked my head and hurried to catch up. Why was she taking me to the War Room? I had to skirt some rubble and then she heaved open the door to the War Room and gestured me inside. I went, and then froze at the sight of Maxwell. I hadn’t seen him the entire trip here. He was sitting in a chair with a pair of crutches leaned against it, and an absolutely murderous expression on his face as he glared at me. 

I flinched at Leliana’s hand on my shoulder, but went where she directed me. Quiet. Head down. Speak when spoken to. The Iron Bull was leaning against the wall behind Maxwell, and Solas was standing next to Josephine. Varric was tapping his fingers on the War Table by Cullen, and Vivienne was idly reading a paper. Why were they all here? Why was I here? What was going on? 

“What is she doing here?” Maxwell echoed my thoughts.

“Since her extraordinary rescue of yourself and her commitment to protecting the people of Haven as well as the fact that she led us to Skyhold, Miss Rae has become very influential.” Josephine said sweetly. “We have her here so we can discuss how best to use that influence for the Inquisition’s benefit.”

I gaped at her, and then glanced warily at Maxwell. I was just a cook!

“ _ ‘Rescue _ .’” Maxwell scoffed, shifting in his chair. “She’s a cook.” 

“Yes, but elevating her is simple enough with the right connections.” Vivienne said in a bored tone.

What?! I felt a stab of betrayal at her coldness and I glanced at Solas helplessly, but he was glaring at the War Table and his jaw was ticking. He looked angry. Burn mages, angry.

“We think you should marry.” Leliana said pleasantly.

...To me. 

I opened my mouth to protest, but shut it again because that wasn’t a question but I didn’t want to marry!

“I have a few suitable nobles, third sons willing to marry an evident half blooded mage. Since the circles have fallen they feel the winds are shifting.” Vivienne set the papers on the War Table and I felt my stomach flip at the aloofness of her tone. 

“There’s always Ser Lionel or Master Tethras too.” Leliana suggested.

Varric held his hands up. “No.” 

I wished I could just blurt that out. Could I? Should I? I was just a servant in medieval Thedas… I wasn’t even sure if I  _ could _ say no if a noble decided to marry me off. Was this why Solas looked upset?

“Really, there are quite a few options that would both elevate Miss Rae and benefit the Inquisition.” Josephine said happily. “In fact, I would wager with the right match we could even bring Miss Rae into the council!” 

They were going to marry me off.

“What about Solas?” I blurted out desperately. I didn’t want to marry! But at least Solas… Was Solas… and when he left it wouldn’t matter anymore.

Solas’ gaze shot to me in shock and The Iron Bull made an angry growling noise that cut off when Maxwell lifted a hand. I swallowed and tried not to look at either of them.

“While Ser Solas has been… invaluable. I’m afraid Solas is not suitable for elevating you. An elf apostate, however learned, does not have the same… clout as a noble or guild member.” Josephine said apologetically. “No, it would be best to avoid those who cannot hold rank.”

Which meant non humans and mages… Oh god. “I- I don’t w-want-“

“This is not about want, darling.” Vivienne made a scoffing noise. “If we choose wisely you should be able to continue your… dalliance, if you are discreet.” There was a slight sneer in her tone but not enough to call her on. 

I felt sick and dizzy as they talked literally over my head about whether to pursue an Orlesian or Fereldon noble or perhaps to branch further out- I could feel Maxwell’s glare like a physical touch and The Iron Bull kept making this quiet, irritated sound and- I jumped when Cullen suddenly laid his hand on my shoulder.

“It will take time to decide of course.” He said quietly. “You can go back to your kitchen in the meantime.” 

I blinked up at him and suddenly felt like crying. He wasn’t looking at me, though he looked upset, he wasn’t… stopping them. But why would he? Sure he had kept Maxwell from killing me but… if it helped the Inquisition, who cared what happened to a cook? “Yes, sir.” I forced out and quietly walked to the door and slipped out. No one stopped me, instead turning back to… deciding who to marry me to. 

Oh god… they were going to sell me off for some influence… as soon as the door closed I ran. Ran, until I reached my kitchen. It was empty still, nothing had been moved in. We were still cooking over fires in the courtyard. I sat in the corner and allowed myself to cry. 

Why had I thought anything would change? I had let myself get too comfortable. I should’ve seen this is what they were setting me up for. The dragging me into the council tents, making me more visible, making me out to be more important than I was. To sell me off for influence. I was a cook, unimportant. They made me into something they could use.

Maxwell clearly blamed me for his injuries. It didn’t matter to him anymore if I had information. They would get rid of me just to appease him as Inquisitor.

“Miss Rae?”

I jumped at the unfamiliar voice and scrubbed at my face and tried to steady my breathing before unfolding myself from my corner and looking to see who was looking for me. It was a soldier and he gave me a bright smile. “Are you Miss Rae? The Cook?”

I nodded, not trusting my voice yet. 

“Oh, good. I was sent to fetch you.” He said pleasantly, then offered me his arm. “Would you come with me?”

Uh… 

I stared at the arm in uncertainty and his smile faded as he dropped his arm. “I see. This way please.” He turned and started walking and I suddenly felt bad for slighting him as I tried to keep up. 

My gut was twisting in anxiety as I thought for sure he would be leading me back to the war room, so they could inform me they agreed on someone. I faltered when I realized we weren’t headed toward the war room at all… instead. I froze when the soldier opened the door to the Inquisitor's room and stepped back, waiting for me to enter. I took a half step back and the soldier’s eyes narrowed and I realized that if I tried to run he would just catch me and drag me in. 

I swallowed and took a deep breath and ducked my head. Small. Quiet. Don’t make eye contact. I forced my feet to move and passed the soldier, through the door. 

As soon as the door shut behind us I felt his hand close with bruising force on my arm and I was practically dragged up the stairs… a lot of stairs. Six- seven flights. I was breathing hard by the time we reached the top and the soldier shoved me away from him. I stumbled and my knees hit the ground hard. In the end I was grateful I was already kneeling because the familiar feeling smite that ripped through my chest would have knocked me down just as surely. I bit back a cry. Quiet. Small. Don’t look up. 

“Well. You must be pleased with yourself.” Maxwell’s voice came from just in front of me and I bit my tongue sharply to keep from blurting anything out.

“First trying to turn them all against me, then setting me up to be killed, then crippling me and now, worming your way up through the ranks.” His tone was too even, too calm. It made me wish I could disappear. 

“Leave us.” He said curtly and I heard the soldier walk away. My heart was in my throat and I flinched at the sound of the door closing. I clenched my eyes shut. Leaving me with Maxwell. Small. Quiet. Listen. 

I heard a scoffing noise, “Now you play the quiet and obedient pet?” I felt something come up under my chin and push my head up. “Open your eyes, Kitten. Look at the result of your  _ rescue. _ ”

I opened my eyes and saw him… reclined in a chair like he was in the war room. He was using one of his crutches to raise my chin. 

“What do you see?” He asked, his eyes glaring daggers at me. 

I opened my mouth, but the crutch under my chin dropped then came up to crack across my face. He didn’t have enough leverage to do any real damage, but it hurt and I pressed a hand to my throbbing cheek and blinked back tears. Quiet. It only got worse when I made noise. 

“You couldn’t even do that right.” He snapped and I flinched back. “You’re pathetic… any competent mage would have set and healed the bones. In that order!” He hissed. “Or did you do it on purpose?” 

What? I didn’t- I felt the crutch come down on the other side of my head but, other than just hurting it didn’t do much. 

Maxwell cursed and then I heard the crutch clatter to the floor. I stayed very still and quiet and hoped...

“Useless.” He spat, then asked sharply. “How about that intuition of yours, Kitten?” 

I shook my head. I don't want… I didn’t want to tell him anymore. He just used it to hurt people. And it didn't matter anyway, the council was going to sell me off.

“No more? Or you won’t tell me?” His eyes narrowed.

I shook my head again. “There isn’t-” I bit my tongue and looked down and tried to keep from crying. 

“You know there is no reason for me to keep you safe if you don’t have your intuition.” He said in a warning tone. “Not that you deserve protection.”

I couldn’t help a sob but I shook my head. I couldn’t… not- not anymore. It didn’t matter. 

“Well. If you aren’t useful, I see no reason to keep protecting you.” Maxwell sighed. “But I can’t very well let you whore your way up the ranks and cause trouble. Imagine, a half blooded mage cook on the Council? No, Kitten.”

Was he going to kill me? Was this where I died? Get rid of the trouble making cook? 

He glanced over my shoulder. “You still want her?”

I realized with a rush of ice cold terror down my spine that there was someone behind me, and that was-

“Yeah, bas.” The Iron Bull.

“Well, I’m feeling generous.” Maxwell said, outright grinning when I barely choked back a protest and The Iron Bull moved to grab my arm and pulled me roughly to my feet. “I say you can have her on one condition.”

“What’s that?” One of The Iron Bull’s hands rested heavily on the back of my neck, the thumb began stroking back and forth, and I started shaking. This was not ‘Kitchen Iron Bull’ the was The Iron Bull.

“Find a sister or something willing to perform rights on one of you things and marry her legally. Binding. I’ll witness for you. Do that and you can have her.” 

The Iron Bull made a growling sound that sounded almost animalistic, making me shake despite my best effort to keep still. They can’t- “when?” The Iron Bull growled. 

“Oh, springtime maybe… Now, you dumb Ox! Before they sell her off and you can’t reach her at all!” Maxwell snapped.

I shook my head despite The Iron Bull’s hand on my neck. “No! You can’t- No!”

Maxwell leaned forward in his chair with a narrow glare. “You aren’t in a position to protest, Kitten. You might be visible enough to not be able to disappear, but I heard you in the council. No one will miss a knife ear apostate. No one but you.” 

No. I shook my head and tried to fight the sobs in my chest and The Iron Bull shook me to quiet me then hauled me to my feet. Oh god… The Iron Bull would hurt Solas, had already threatened him and now Maxwell and- 

“I’m gonna need something to keep her in line, bas.” The Iron Bull said.

“Take the brats!” No! “You seem fond of them.”

“She could run. I need something to keep track of her.”

Maxwell hummed and then jerked his head towards the desk. “Top drawer. It’s called a phylactery. You can use it to find her.” 

The Iron Bull dragged me over to the desk and I felt my heart sink at the sight of the chain and phylactery... _ My phylactery _ in The Iron Bull’s hand. “These what you use to track your mages?” He asked, not even glancing at me as he slipped it into his pocket. My leash. He might as well have collared me. A thing to exchange. 

“Yes. Handy things. Don’t break it, I doubt you’ll be able to afford to have another made.” 

The Iron Bull made a gruff sound, then we were moving toward the stairs. “I’ll send one of the boys to get you bas.”

Maxwell made an irritated sound. “Very well.”

And then The Iron Bull was dragging me back to the stairs and… oh god I felt sick. My eyes stung with tears and my chest hurt from the smite and-. What if- would the council stop him? Him mar- binding me would ruin their plans! Would they stop this if they found out? I let out a terrified sob when The Iron Bull wrapped his arm around my waist and picked me up as easily as a doll and carried me down the stairs.

Solas… but what could Solas do? He needed to stay near the mark and… I had rejected him. And… Maxwell had said- I could run, but no, he had my phylactery now. It would only be worse if I ran. I was shaking, my chest hurt and-

“Breathe.” 

I was hyperventilating. 

“Breathe, Kitten. In.”

I did my best and sucked in a breath.

“Good.” And then he was carrying me out the door of the Inquisitor’s room and Krem was there. I felt a faint, very faint flash of hope but-

“Find that Mother. I got her. Have someone get the bas.”

“On it, Chief.” 

As just like that it was crushed and my stomach clenched in hopelessness. I felt myself get shifted and then I was being set down… The Iron Bull was kneeling in front of me and his hand was on my face, I flinched back. “Breathe.” 

I obediently sucked in a breath and he nodded approvingly. “Out.”

Out. exhale. Again. I closed my eyes and focused on breathing. In. Out. His hand went to my shoulder and I ignored it. In. Out. I could just… pretend I wasn’t here. 

Something cool was pressed to my face but I just… I closed my eyes. I could just… I wasn’t there. It wasn’t happening. I just wanted to disappear. I just wanted my kitchen. My kids. I just- 

“-almost over-” 

I wasn’t there this wasn’t happening, I just wanted to disappear. My chest began to ache painfully.

“Stop.” The Iron Bull shook my shoulders and I flinched but kept my eyes closed. “Keep breathing.”

I tried. Quiet. Obedient. Small. In. Out. He was pulling me somewhere. In. Out. I tripped and he cursed. I was lifted up, a door opened, and then… voices. 

“Herald, this is extremely irregular.” Mother Giselle’s voice spoke softly and a shard of hope sprung up and I opened my eyes, hoping she’d look in my direction and see me. I couldn’t say anything but I could plead, my face was expressive. An open book. But she wasn’t looking at me and behind her… I could see Solas standing behind her, his jaw tight and his eyes on the ground and on either side of him… Krem and Dalish. I felt my stomach drop further at the obvious threat. 

“He asked me to witness, Mother Giselle.” Maxwell said in his sickeningly false voice. “They’ve been together for some time and after the tragedy of Haven, who wouldn’t wish to support a moment of happiness.”

“Is that so, Lady Rae?” Mother Gisell finally looked at me and The Iron Bull’s hand was on my shoulder. “Do you wish to marry this man?”

Krem’s hand went to his sword hilt in a casual gesture and I nodded before I could think too hard. “Yes!” It came out a desperate plea and Krem’s hand moved away from his sword, and I closed my eyes in relief. “ma’am.” I added quietly. 

There was a beat of silence and then a reluctant. “Very well.” 

Oh god…

I felt like puking and passing out as the ‘ceremony’ flew by, each word sealing my fate. Solas didn’t once look up and The Iron Bull’s hand never left my shoulder until- “And by the will of the Maker and his blessed bride, Andraste, I name you man and wife.” Mother Giselle said.

Maxwell made a satisfied noise and signed a paper that Mother Giselle presented to him and then I was being unceremoniously picked up and I had to bite back a whimper. “Thank you, Mother.” The Iron Bull said as he pressed me to his chest.

And then he was walking off and I heard footsteps following. A door closed. Breathe. In. Out. 

“Get the boys and the kids. We’re heading out. Have Skinner grab her things. Don’t forget the cat.” 

Oh god. My chest was tight as he carried me and… “Renae.”

Solas?

“Ir abelas, Renae.” 

What-?

I felt a hand brush me forehead just as I tried to push back from The Iron Bull’s arms to look at him and-

Nothing. 

  
  
  



	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for justified anger.

I woke up alone. A movement to my chest and… Alone. Dressed. Not hurting. Where…?

I sat up slowly, cautiously, and felt my stomach flip at the sight of a tent canvas above my head... Because The Iron Bull had taken me away… 

There was laughter outside of the tent and the sound made my stomach roll… how- how could anyone be laughing? 

“Again!” That was Garth. My kids… he had taken the kids.

“She’s awake.” Cole said outside the tent. Cole? “Scared, leash traded. Taken, stolen away.” 

I started to scramble out of the bed roll. Cole would help me, but then I froze when The Iron Bull ducked into the tent bare seconds later. I shrank backwards in terror, but he just… dropped to his knees on the ground and pulled my phylactery out of his pocket. He set it on the ground in front of him and exhaled slowly. 

“I’m sorry.” He said, closing his eye. 

What?

“I… did-” He stopped and shook his head. “You’re safe. I’m not going to touch you. In a few months, once we’ve neutralized Trevelyan, the marriage will be annulled.”

What?

“You’re safe. The kids are safe. The cat and the elf are safe.” He said, still in that soft tone he used when in the kitchen. “That is yours to do whatever you want with.” He pointed at the phylactery. “I… am sorry, Rae.” 

Rae… not Kitten… not- 

I stared in shock as The Iron Bull inhaled shakily and shook his head. “I’ll let you be. You… you’re free to come out or stay in here, whatever you want.” And then he was leaving the tent. Leaving the phylactery there on the ground.

Was… was this a trap? A test? What… what was going on? Cole appeared next to me and drew me into a hug. “It was a painful lie. Tearing, gutting, a lie to fix it.” He murmured. “You’re safe now.” 

I- a lie? I hugged Cole back tightly still unsure if this was real, if I was-

“I’m real.” Cole said gently before bending and picking up the phylactery and placing it in one of my hands, “Yours. Free to do with as you choose, Break. Keep. No one holds your leash but you.”

My phylactery. It was small. Smaller than the bulky ones shown in Origins. So much fear and pain represented in something so small. I must have pictured it dangling on the chain around Maxwell’s neck a hundred times. Caught glimpses of it under his collar when he would lean down, bow or shift. A reminder. I didn’t want this. I never wanted this.

I focused all my anger and revulsion into the small vial and it shattered on my palm, the blood instantly drying to brown flecks as the magic that kept it pliant was forced away by my will.

Something so small and just like that… It was gone. Useless shards of glass was all that was left. It felt as if chains that had been strangling my very soul had been rent away. I was free. I was free and I didn't even care if The Iron Bull would be angry at me breaking it. It was gone. 

"He won't be." Cole hugged me again and I returned it gratefully. “I’m sorry, I made you forget.” He said suddenly. What? I leaned back to look at him and he shook his head. “Not yet, soon.” 

I opened my mouth to question him only to be cut off by a plaintive meow. Sage. I looked down just as she rubbed against my legs. “Hey, baby.” I bent down and scooped her up into my arms, burying my face into her fur. She purred loudly and it was calming, the soft vibrations grounding. 

"Rae?" Solas' voice outside the tent startled me. What was he doing here? He needed to get away before-

"It's okay." Cole said, gently resting a hand on my shoulder. “He’s safe.” 

"Rae, would you like to come out and eat or would you like me to bring something to you?" Solas asked softly.

Eat? I didn’t feel like eating but… I heard one of the kids laugh distantly and I just wanted to see them. “I-I’ll come… out.” I answered shakily.

“Alright.”

Despite declaring I would come out… it still took me some time to gather up the courage to actually poke my head out of the tent. Solas was sitting on the ground several feet away. He gave me a cautious smile that seemed… pained. 

“He’s sorry too.” Cole said as he slipped past me towards the fire and picked up a bowl to fill with stew.

I glanced around and noted that it looked like we were camped in a cave… the warming glyph on the ground, clearly the same that Solas had used in the cabin at Haven. “How… how long have I been asleep?” 

Solas gave me a slight smile but it looked forced. “A day, Lethallan.” 

An entire day. How far was I from Skyhold since… “You… knocked me out.” It came out… hurt.

He looked down at his hands. “You were understandably panicking and were trying to cast directly after a smite. I feared you would injure yourself. Forgive me… please.” 

I remembered the pained ache in my chest and frowned. Was I trying to cast?

“You wanted to disappear.” Cole whispered, placing the bowl in my hands and then guiding me to sit nearby Solas. “To not be seen, just like when the red army attacked.”

Oh.

I  _ could _ disappear. I stared at Cole for a moment. I felt like smiling at the knowledge but couldn’t quite muster the expression. He still nodded as if he knew. I could disappear. I had destroyed my phylactery. I could… I heard Meraad’s shriek and looked over to see Krem holding the kid’s hands. He was standing at the edge of a line drawn on the ground. What…?

“It’s your line. To keep them out, not to keep you in.” Cole supplied. “Your choice.” 

“You say who is allowed in, Lethallan.” Solas spoke quietly. “The children are the only ones allowed to come and go into your space freely without your say. This includes myself and Cole, should you say we shall leave immediately.” 

I practically gaped at them… they- “But why-?”

“Momma Rae!” I turned to see Garth running full tilt from the side of the camp, I opened one arm, catching him as he barreled into me. 

“Hey, sweetheart.” I felt dangerously close to crying knowing they were safe and I had to take a deep breath to keep from tearing up.

Meraad came running next and she patted my face and arms and peered into my eyes before hugging me. Kalin was last, but he stopped out of arm’s reach and shuffled. “Are you alright now?” 

I gave him a smile and lifted a shoulder. “Just tired, sweetheart.” I couldn’t tell him I was fine… I really… really wasn’t. 

He looked relieved and sat near-ish to me. I glanced around. The Chargers were all on the other side of the line by their fire, but… Where was The Iron Bull?

“He’s staying outside.” Cole said, sitting and letting Meraad into his lap. 

What? My bafflement must have been obvious because Solas continued. “He said that he did not want to cause you any further distress than he already has and has opted to stay outside the cave.” 

But he was just-

“Only to return it to you.” Cole answered.

“He knows you are not ready.” Solas kept his tone quiet. Then tilted his head towards Garth who still had his arm around my neck. “May we speak to your Momma Rae for a few minutes, Dal’in’en?” 

Garth looked between me and Solas and then pressed his lips together and nodded and stood to try and take Kalin’s hand to lead him away, only for Kalin to yank his hand away. “Let go, I’m older.” 

“I can come with you.” Cole offered and I turned to see him speaking to Meraad, who suddenly beamed a smile at him and jumped out of his lap to latch onto his hand and started dragging him toward the other side of the camp. 

I watched them go and turned back to Solas questioningly. He had never sent the kids away before. 

He looked down at his hands and sighed before looking up at me. “I have a request, Lethallan.”

I forced myself not to tense. Requests haven’t turned out well so far. “Wh-what is it?” 

Solas gave me a pained but grateful smile like he didn’t think I would hear him out. “You need training.” Crap. I opened my mouth but he continued. “Not domestic magic. You need to learn defensive and offensive spells. I would like to triple the amount of training you receive.”

But… “But I’m a cook.” 

He looked very sad. “I know, but… the world you are in is not… safe, Lethallan.” He sighed and looked down. “This is not how I would’ve liked to do this.” Then he looked back up at me. “Renae, you are needed. Trevelyan is crippled and in no condition to fight. Bull’s Chargers have been assigned to several tasks and you-“

“Are just a cook.” I said a bit forcefully. “I have been in a battle once and I just hid and ran. The whole time. I’m not a soldier.”

“I’m not asking you to become one.” He said quietly. “But fights will come, and a spell could mean the difference between life and death.” He grimaced. “And you are now considered a Charger.”

He was right… of course he was right. I closed my eyes and buried my head in my hands. “Can’t- can’t... I just… stay at camp with the kids?” 

“And if the camp was attacked?” He said quietly and my head snapped up in horror at the thought.

“Okay.” The word fell out of my mouth. Then… “Defensive magic? First?” 

He nodded and smiled. “I will teach you how to cast a mind blast and veilstrike. That should work as you already know barriers. Then…” he lifted a finger like he was making a point. “Offensive spells.”

“Perhaps spirit magic at first?” He suggested. 

Spirit magic… healing, barriers, reviving spells, and ‘peaceful aura’... right? That sounded… doable. I nodded. 

“After those we can move up to a mind blast, veilstrike, non lethal but effective at getting attackers away.” He went on and my mind was reeling that we were actually discussing my actually fighting… actively fighting. That could only end badly. 

Eventually he paused and then looked uncomfortable as he pulled an envelope out from one of his pockets. “There is more I must tell you but… This is from the Ambassador, she is aware of your difficulty reading but she still wanted me to give this to you. I can read it to you if you would like?”

I stared at the letter and it looked.. thick. Probably full of words I hadn’t worked up to yet. I nodded hesitantly and Solas gave me a small smile before opening the envelope. 

“Dearest Rae, there was not time for me to wish you goodbye or to apologize for my hand in a necessary but terrible ploy. I ask that you give Ser Solas and The Iron Bull a chance to explain things, and know that we never meant to hurt you. None of us.

“We discovered a plot by Maxwell to solidify his claim on you and wished to get you out from under the man as soon as we could. But Ser Solas informed us, Leliana, Cullen, and myself, of the existence of your phylactery. Forgive us for not realizing sooner why he held so much sway over you.

“We could not just take it however, for he is still considered the Herald. We devised a plan to force his hand… the marriage proposals were a ploy and all I assure you were faked.” 

Faked… they-

“Maxwell took it as we hoped and tried to get rid of you and your phylactery without dirtying his hands. He did not know, however, that the Iron Bull was under our employ, not his.

“We are doing what we can to ensure Trevelyan’s influences are reduced drastically, until then the safest place for you is outside of Skyhold.

“The Iron Bull has been given his orders, and has a list of assignments for you from Leliana. He, Ser Solas, Master Pavus, and the Chargers are under your explicit command-”

“What?!” My voice echoed in the cave and I winced but still turned disbelieving eyes on him. “What?”

Solas actually smirked and held up the letter. “Do you wish me to continue so we may discover the rest of the contents?” 

“But…” Me? In charge of the Chargers? Of The Iron Bull? Of  _ Solas _ ? What in the everloving universe were they thinking?! This was a terrible- horrible idea. “Please.”

Solas cleared his throat and I swear he did it just to be dramatic. “From now on you are no longer just Miss Rae, Inquisition’s cook. You are Lady Ranae Cook, agent of the Inquisition. You answer only to Leliana. You are free to make judgement calls at your own discretion.”

What?!

“Congratulations. Cullen and Leliana send their well wishes… And please Rae, forgive me. Your friend, Josie.”

He glanced up and then held the paper out to me. “The rest is a list of the assignments you are to lead us through.” 

I took the paper, feeling dazed. They… I was in charge of the Chargers?! What?! Lady Cook? Cook wasn’t even my last name, well to be fair I never told anyone my last name, but still! 

Would… The Iron Bull be upset I was supposed to…? How… how was that supposed to even work? I stared at the paper, but even with my limited reading skills I could see the words. ‘Under your (presumably the word ‘explicit’) command’. “I…” I swallowed. “You are all probably going to die, you know that right?”

Solas gave me an oddly serious look. “I know you will not believe me, but I have faith in your leadership abilities.” 

Yeah. I definitely didn’t believe him. I stared at the letter in my hand and then blew out a deep breath and glanced around… “So… the line?”

Solas looked back down at his hands. “We… have all been complicit in causing you… tremendous fear. We had our reasons, but the fact remains that we did it. The line is for your comfort.” 

“Thank you.” That… was actually very thoughtful, but not exactly what I was asking. “Is there… like a neutral ground? Area?”

Solas nodded and gestured to a table that was set up right in between the line between my tent and the others. “It was slightly premature to set it up now as we will have to continue on tomorrow, however we wanted your approval on the arrangement.”

Oh. “Why-?” I stopped myself and shook my head. “Nope, no. Think about it tomorrow.” I sighed and looked over at where the Chargers were gathered around the fire, “Do… they know?”

“Yes. It has been made perfectly clear to everyone what rank you now hold.” 

I cringed at that. “I don’t want ‘rank’.”

Solas gave me another sad smile. “I know, Lethallan.”

I sighed and looked at the table… neutral ground. “I- I need to ask questions… this-” I raised the letter still in my hand. 

Solas suddenly looked very uncomfortable but nodded. “Of course… would you like me to fetch Bull and Cole? I can ask Krem and Dorian to watch the children?”

Right. Dorian. I nodded and then focused on the bowl in my hands. I really, really didn’t feel like eating but… Three bites. I forced down three bites before setting the bowl aside and moving to the table. There weren’t any chairs so I just… fidgeted next to it. The table was set across the line. I felt my stomach drop when The Iron Bull ducked into the cave, but he just ruffled the kids’ hair as he passed and then moved to stand by the table on the other side of the line and put his hands behind his back. He looked… like he was standing ‘at ease’. 

“You wanted to speak to me, Boss?” 

Boss? Like… no. I shook my head, that just felt wrong … I tried to protest, but my voice died in my chest. Crap. Breathe. In. Out. Focus. Who cared what he called me? As long as it wasn’t… Kitten. “What… is going on?” I finally managed to get out. 

“The Spymaster discovered a plot by the Herald to take legal control over you and we put together a ruse to make him unable to.” He said clinically. “He can no longer legally touch you, and while the Spymaster works to find and neutralize his less than legal allies, you have been assigned my outfit to gain support and influence for the Inquisition.” 

“A… ruse?” I hated how unsure my voice was but this… I felt like I should have a bad case of whiplash at how fast everything had turned. “The… marriage?”

He nodded. “May I take something out of my pocket, Boss?”

Why-? I nodded and he moved slowly and pulled out a paper and laid it on the table. “It’s the marriage contract Maxwell signed as witness. It gives you complete control and access to all of my assets, and has a ‘childless’ clause that means that if you believe I cannot provide you with heirs of your own blood you have the right to immediately annul the marriage while still retaining any and all assets acquired during the time of the marriage.”

“But… qunari and humans can’t have kids.”

“Exactly.” He nodded, staying away from me, out of arm’s reach… his arms. “You have the ability to dissolve it at any time.”

“But how could Maxwell take legal-?” I couldn’t even voice it. 

The Iron Bull grimaced. “You don’t know about it, but there’s a law in the Free Marches, left over from when the Vints had it. Called the ‘ward of estate’ law. Basically a noble who can prove you have no family or affiliations can claim you as under their protection… it’s complicated and mostly forgotten, but would give a noble pretty much complete control over you. Red found that Maxwell was having his parents claim you as a ward of their estate. We… we are still weeding out the people loyal to him, still figuring out who is helping him, trying to untangle his noble connections. And we had no way of making a case to dispute it. You come from nowhere and we can’t prove you came from a different country or anything.”

“He signed the contract.” I remembered and looked at the paper on the table.

The Iron Bull just nodded.

“He can’t… claim me as his because he gave me away.” I guessed.

Another nod. 

“To keep the council from elevating me…”

Another nod.

“Which was mentioned in front of him…” I felt a little dizzy as my mind started connecting dots. “It was a trap for him.”

“Yeah.”

“And you were… in on it.”

He nodded again with a grimace.

I looked at Solas who was looking at the ground with a guilty expression. “And you… with Krem and the sword?”

Solas jerked his chin in a nod. “My life was never in danger, Renae. The appearance of threat was for Trevelyan’s benefit.”

But why didn’t they explain-? Then I suddenly realized exactly why they didn’t. “And I’m a terrible liar.”

“And you are a terrible liar.” The Iron Bull confirmed. 

“But why... you?” I asked tentatively. 

The Iron Bull looked down at the table, but didn’t move, and his voice remained quiet as he spoke. “It needed to be someone you feared, he wouldn’t have gone for it otherwise. The… Rat wouldn’t have been satisfied unless you were terrified, unless he knew he could inflict the most pain possible.”

“But… The trip to Skyhold… sharing a tent for... the kids and-“ my mind was reeling.

“The last Trevelyan saw the two of you together; you were still terrified of Bull.” Solas answered quietly, still not looking at me with that god awful guilty expression. “He had been kept in an isolated cart for ‘healing’ and had no way of knowing that you had started to grow… comfortable with Bull's presence.”

But- “if I was comfortable with him why did I… panic at the thought of-“ I could give words to my thoughts they were all so jumbled. The line I had drawn between Kitchen Iron Bull and The Iron Bull clashing and cracking. 

“The groundwork was there.” The Iron Bull said plainly. “We met in less than perfect circumstances. I frightened you and that stuck. First impressions. Then Trevelyan showed up. He saw your fear of me and exploited it. In Orlais he thought to use me as a threat and punishment. I played along. If I did not he wouldn’t have hesitated to ‘give’ you to someone else, someone who would hurt you.”

“The tent…” my mind shot back to that night, my utter fear, the way he had-

“If I let you walk out of there he wouldn’t have been satisfied until he found someone to actually do it.” The Iron Bull spoke as if he was giving a report, impersonal, facts. “I shifted you around, growled and groaned at the right times and kept you with me overnight.” 

I felt tears spring into my eyes at the memories of that night and then… the next morning. I took a deep breath and blinked them away. I needed answers. “A-and the… the-“ I couldn’t say it.

“Trevelyan wouldn’t have been satisfied, unless there was something physical.” Solas answered instead. “The bruise wasn’t a claim… but something he could latch onto as proof Bull had done what he wanted.”

Solas knew… he knew, which meant they had talked about what happened, that- “You knew.” I looked at him feeling a twist of betrayal in my gut. 

Solas' chin jerked in a nod. “Yes, Bull informed me of what had transpired when I sought him out upon your return.”

When he left the cabin while I was still crying. Distantly, I knew I should be angry…livid but, I just felt… drained. Answers… I needed answers. "And… kidnapping me?" 

The Iron Bull grimaced. "Maxwell was about to lash out. I didn't know about the phylactery. I had a house for you and the kids. Hidden." 

He was… “and then he caught us…” I frowned. "He... believed me when I lied to him, about running away."

"No. He knew you were lying. He just saw you were more scared of me than him." The Iron Bull was still standing at ease and it was weird. "Then me and the boys made it look like we did what he wanted." 

The… I closed my eyes as all the things that night came to mind. The weird shout, the way I was wrapped up, the way He had gotten me to yelp, the… “You weren’t drunk.” I hadn't smelled alcohol. 

“No." 

"And the shirt…?"

"I had no hand in that.” The Iron Bull said, his voice still quiet but impersonal. “Krem cut mine up to replace the one he ruined to show the rat. He didn't know you'd take it as a claim." 

I felt like a dozen hidden pieces were turning over and slotting into place. "You…" I was angry in a distant, numb sort of way. “You made me afraid of you, of what you’d do.”

"Yes." He said. No… excuse or defense. Just 'yes'. 

“Lethallan-“ Solas started but I cut him off with a sharp gesture, that part of me that was angry getting closer, no longer so distant. 

“And my kids?” I was aware I was glaring but… he used my kids! 

The Iron Bull winced and his impersonal air seemed to crack… a mask? "I… am fond of them. Really. But they were also the best way for me to get you to let me stand guard in the kitchen."

‘Stand guard’ … the difference in him, the one I dubbed Kitchen Iron Bull… and the Iron Bull. They clashed inside my mind and I felt like an idiot. “The common denominator.” I whispered, shaking my head. “Maxwell.” How had I not seen? How had I been that stupid and oblivious? How-?

“I made you forget.” Cole said suddenly, he was crouched next to the table. “You figured it out before. Dots connected. Pieces of a puzzle slotted together. I made you forget. I’m sorry.”

Not an idiot. Manipulated. "Et tu?" The others… it hurts but… Cole? It felt like someone twisted the knife in my gut. 

"You wouldn't let me kill him." Cole started fidgeting with an expression of helplessness.

“Because he’s needed!” I shouted then covered my face and just tried to breathe. All that fear, all that terror, and abuse and- “You knew, everyone knew.”

“Yes.” I didn’t care who said it. It didn’t matter. 

“You all knew and you said  _ nothing _ .” Breathe.

“We needed your reaction to be-“

No. That- “No… no you didn’t.” I was dangerously close to tears. Everything… everything has been a lie…. _ ‘a painful lie’ _ . I was angry, I was hurt, I felt betrayed but… I shoved away my emotions and tried to hold onto now… get through this and I can go hide in my tent. Breathe.

I frowned at the paper on the table and then back at The Iron Bull. “So… this-“ I pointed at the paper. “This means… nothing to you?”

The Iron Bull looked at the paper and shook his head. “Qunari don’t marry. That is just a piece of paper that makes you untouchable from Trevelyan, saying only that we stood in front of a chantry priestess.” He said simply. “It holds no more weight then you give it.”

That… was actually very relieving to hear and I felt my shoulders fall slightly in relief. “Alright…” breathe. In. Out. “I- is there anything else I need to know?”

They were quiet so I took that as a negative, and turned to go back to my tent but- I glanced back. “I want my kids.” 

“Of course.” The Iron Bull said as if it was that simple. “I’ll have…” He paused and winced. “Dorian? Bring their things to the line for you.” 

I nodded and then went back to my tent and went in and curled up on the bedroll. They… had lied to me. All of them. They had lied and when I had started to figure it out, Cole had…  _ mind wiped _ me! It… it hurt. I don’t know why it hurt, I should have expected… Ugh. 

And now, according to Josephine, I am in charge of the Chargers… later, think about it later.

“Lady Rae?” Dorian called out. “May I cross the line?” 

“Yeah.” My voice cracked and I hated it, but I went out and helped him bring the kid’s things into my tent and set them up. He went to leave, then paused.

“Would you like for me to hold a reading lesson for yourself and the children or would you rather I leave you be?”

I exhaled slowly, reading sounded like a distraction. “Reading. Please.”


	28. Chapter 28

The first day was… awkward. Solas, The Iron Bull, and Cole all kept their distance. No one crossed the line without my permission, but then again… no one really asked except Dorian. He seemed to have been elected the ‘neutral party’, which made sense. He was pretty much the only one I wasn’t mad at. Mad was too simple a word, really. Hurt. Angry. Confused. Betrayed. A little dose of angry in there again, add some terror and Hey! There’s my emotional state!

The Iron Bull did stay outside the cave the entire night. He only came in after breakfast and went to stand by the table silently. He set something long and wrapped in fabric on the table and stepped back into the ‘at ease’ posture, obviously wanting my attention but wasn’t demanding it and it was so confusing!

The kids were giving me and The Iron Bull uneasy glances so I grabbed onto my anger and walked over to the table. “What?”

“Just wanted to know where to head out for, Boss.” He said evenly. 

I stared at him and felt a flare of frustration. “I can’t even read the list!” I flinched after snapping at him, but he didn’t react.

“Would you like me to give a briefing?”

“Sure.”

“Harding has reported some trouble with a group that call themselves The Blades of Hessarian up on the Storm Coast. Avaar have captured some of the Inquisition scouts in the Fallow Mire. We got an invitation from a professor in the Frostback Basin, also next to Stone Bear Hold. Then there’s a request to stabilize the Exalted Plains.”

Okay. Questing. I knew those quests. “Um.” I wracked my brain. Storm coast was… north? Fallow Mire was South… Frostbacks was like… directly south? And Exalted Plains was in Orlais so... “We should probably… Storm Coast?” North, then south, west, then further west, then east to Skyhold? Like a circle?

He nodded. “Alright, Boss.” 

He started to turn to leave but stopped when I spoke. “I… probably need a map.”

“I’ll have Krem give you ours.” 

Just like that. 

I glanced at the bundle on the table and frowned. “What is this?”

“Your staff.” The Iron Bull said. 

Right… because I was a mage and needed to learn battle magic. I hesitantly pulled it to me and unwrapped it. It was a staff, cut down to my size, but the crystal/blade thingy was… weird? It looked a little like a spear, the blade curved slightly, and there was a yellow focusing crystal wrapped in a protective cage of metal. I hesitated before picking it up. It wasn’t too heavy. Like it was made for me.

It probably was. 

I wasn’t going to thank him. I just picked it up and went back to helping the kids pack up their stuff. Kalin was clutching a stuffed nug to his chest and staring at me with wide eyes. 

“Are you alright?” I asked softly.

He nodded quickly. Too quickly. 

I sat down and set the staff on the ground. “What’s wrong, sweetheart?”

He chewed his lip and looked away before hesitantly asking. “Do… we gotta stay in your territory now?”

My-? Oh… I looked at the line drawn between the camp. Part of me wanted to say yes, I wanted them with me and I wanted to keep them safe but… Solas and The Iron Bull, like it or not, have taken just as much care of them as I had. They had become important to the kids and it wasn’t fair to deny them that.

“Oh. No, sweetie. You can go over if you want.” I gave him a smile and hoped it was reassuring. 

He, strangely, looked more worried. “But… can I come back too?”

“Of course! I’ll always want you back.”

“No, I mean… will they let me come back? Bull said…”

Garth budged in. “Bull won’t come over. Say's he’s not allowed, that it’s not his space.”

“I can talk.” Kalin said irritably. “Like you know anything about territory.”

Garth’s face flushed red. “I do! Mages in the circle and templars in the halls and-!” 

“Okay.” I raised a hand between them, cutting off the argument before it could escalate. “Kalin, You both know what territory is. Garth, let him finish speaking, interrupting is rude… unless there is an emergency.”

Kalin gave Garth a triumphant look and Garth sulked but muttered a, “s’rry for int’ruptin’.” 

Kalin looked back at me. “Bull said that this is your space, and that is theirs. And… I wanna see them, but I don’t wanna not be allowed back if I…” He scrunched his face up. “Shift… uh… cells.” 

Cells… carta. Okay. “You can go and come whenever you want sweetheart. The line is for the grownups only. You kids can come and go across it whenever you want. I just… need some space to think alright. The Iron Bull and them are giving me that.”

“So we can still go play with Bull?” Garth asked tentatively.

I took a deep breath. Meraad had crept close and was listening raptly. “Of course, sweetie. Not… just not right now. We’re getting ready to move, but yes. You can play with him.” 

I had barely finished speaking before Meraad threw her arms around my neck and hugged me tightly. 

I thought about how all of this would affect the kids while we finished packing up and really it must be like parent figures fighting and that was the last thing I wanted for them. But I couldn’t… I couldn’t bring myself to act like The Iron Bull and Solas and everyone hadn’t… I might end up screaming at them if I tried to act like everything was okay. It wasn’t okay.

What had Haley said about when her parents divorced? Open, honest communication with the kids, and constant reassurance that they were loved and safe. 

I decided to just be honest with them and love them and assure them I wasn’t going to keep them from The Iron Bull and Solas. They had their reasons… but it still hurt and I was not ready, not yet.

We packed up and Solas dispelled the magic he had set up and then… I was faced with a pony. Oh no. I didn’t want-

“Well. I’ve been informed that I will be teaching you to ride a horse.” Dorian said cheerfully.

“Oh, thank goodness.” I really, really couldn’t handle The Iron Bull touching me. 

He blinked. “And here I thought I was going to have to convince you. Well. Hop on.”

I stared at him. “Um.” 

“You… do know how to get on one?”

I shook my head. The Iron Bull normally lifted me up. 

“Ah.” He put his hand over his mouth for a moment. “Well. Best to learn now.”

He then proceeded to show me how I was supposed to get on the pony, and then made me get off, and get back on, and get off, and get back on, until I was cranky, but I could get in the saddle without squeaking in terror. (Or falling over the other side… that had happened… or almost, Dorian a had grabbed my foot before I went all the way) 

And then, apparently, I was sitting wrong. My posture was wrong, my heels had to be down, so on. And then he handed me the reins and I had to practice using them… all in all it was two hours before he picked up a lead (I still had to hold the reins but he didn't’ trust me not to spook the horse, thank goodness.) and announced we could move on. 

I fortunately didn’t have to lead this time as I didn’t actually know which way to go, and as The Iron Bull rode past to take the lead (Kalin on the horse with him), Dorian spoke to him.

“Did you seriously just toss her on a horse and expect her to figure it out?”

The Iron Bull shrugged. “It’s how we all learned. Only way I know how.”

“How barbaric.” Dorian sniffed haughtily and The Iron Bull huffed a laugh and moved on. Odd… I had kind of expected him to snap back with something about ‘Vints’.

Solas rode at the back with Cole. Meraad and Garth sitting with them. Both of them were giving me space.

Dorian was like a lifeline, and I was very thankful for his company and... Less thankful that he was making me practice casting barriers from horseback while I was still trying to keep track of how to hold my feet and hands and spine. But… by the time we stopped for the evening camp I found I was too tired to worry about anything. Solas marked the ‘territory line’, I went to my side with the kids to eat, and then I fell asleep… I wished. No, instead, Dalish came over to the line and asked if I had agreed to train. I, like an idiot, said I did and that’s how I ran laps around the camp. 

I barely survived and was out practically the moment I hit the bedroll. Yay… I didn’t stay asleep however and woke up to Meraad wiggling away from the middle of the kids’ bedroll. “Meraad?” 

She froze just as she was about to slip out of the tent and looked at me nervously, shifting from foot to foot. 

“Where are you going?” I whispered, sitting up. 

She hesitated but then raised her hands to make horns. She wanted to go to see him. She had slept on his chest every night during the trip to Skyhold…

I had promised her I wouldn’t keep them from him but… “Alright, but next time wake me up. You can’t sneak out. Something could have happened and no one would know.”

Her eyes widened and she nodded and pressed her hand over her chest in an ‘I promise’ gesture before she finished creeping out of the tent… To The Iron Bull. I laid back in my bed roll and stared at the canvas. ‘I am fond of them. Really.’ Why did life have to be so complicated? I just wanted… to hit something. To scream or… My mind caught on the thought and my hand went up to touch the dream pendant. What if…? I had felt so much better after dreaming with Terror. What if I tried to find it again? Roller Coasters weren’t so bad. Maybe…? I pulled the pendant off and set it aside before I could think too much on it and rolled over and closed my eyes. 

Only to be shaken by a large, rough hand. “Come on, Kitten. We gotta go.”

“Go away!” I hissed and sat up. He had said he wouldn’t come onto my side of the line! “Don’t call me that! Get out!”

The Iron Bull snorted. “Make me.”

I didn’t care if it was a bad idea. He was in my space and he had lied again and again and had hurt me and- I balled my hand up into a fist and punched him, right in the face. Then I realized that I probably would have broken my hand, but nothing hurt. 

The tent was shifting colors and the space behind The Iron Bull was green and hazy. I was in the fade. I was dreaming. Alright. Let’s do this. I felt like my breath was burning with how angry I was. I picked up my staff from where I had set it beside my bed roll and swung it as hard as I could. 

The Iron Bull disappeared in a puff of green, only to reform as Solas, smirking knowingly. “Lethallan.”

“Oh, I’m mad at you too.” I pushed myself to my feet and swung. It was the fade, I wasn’t actually hurting anyone. It was a dream, and I was angry, and I fully intended to work out as much as I could before I woke up. “You bloody freakin liar!” Swing. “What was with the kiss?” Swing. “Something to make me more willing to get hurt for you?” Swing. “Another game?” Swing. “Did Cole make me forget that too?” I punctuated each accusation with a swing of my staff until Solas disappeared and reformed as Cole. I paused midswing. “I… I’m mad at him too but not that mad.” It would feel like kicking a puppy that had peed on your X-Box. 

Cole tilted his head curiously before he wavered and turned back into The Iron Bull. 

And so it went, me screaming everything they had done to me, every lie, every hurt, every terror, swinging until I was crying, sobbing hot, angry tears as I sank to the ground, emotionally wrung out. The form of The Iron Bull I had been whaling on flickered and then shifted to the monstrous, molten form of a rage demon. I sniffled and waved at it. “Thank you.”

It did an odd tilting thing so it looked like a limp noodle. But, you know, on fire. “You knew it was me, not them.”

I nodded and scrubbed at my eyes. “I came looking for one of you.”

“You wanted to scream, but not in fear.” It pulsed oddly and then started oozing away. “Your rage is hot. Thank you for sharing.”

I blinked awake to find Garth shaking my arm urgently. “Momma Rae, Meraad is gone!” 

I sat up quickly but then took a deep breath to calm myself at the memory of her slipping out. “It’s okay sweetheart. She just went to visit The Iron Bull.”

Garth looked relieved. “Oh. I was scared she…” He stopped and scrubbed at his face before turning to roll up his bedroll. 

“Hey,” I said softly and opened my arms to him when he turned to look at me. He sniffed and practically dove into my lap and I kissed his head as I hugged him. “You don’t have to worry about that anymore, okay?”

He nodded against my shoulder and squeezed me tightly. Suddenly he pulled back and frowned at me, then broke into a grin and scrambled out of my arms and dashed out of the tent. What? I mentally shrugged. Kids.

Kalin was still sound asleep so I gently called his name and taped his leg to wake him… he only mumbled something and pulled the blanket over his head. 

It took several attempts to actually wake him up but when he did I was able to get all of our bedrolls back with our packs and everything put away. I felt… not better but definitely less likely to explode from my anger or break down into tears. Less like I’m walking on the eggshells of my fragile control.

Everything moved quickly after that and I developed a routine, (me and my routines) Breakfast, riding/magic lessons with Dorian, reading lessons with kids and Dorian during break to rest horses, more riding /magic lessons with Dorian, then break to setup camp. Then train with Dalish or Skinner (and by train I mean run… lots of running… so much running.) then supper and bed, where I may or may not try to bludgeon stand ins for The Iron Bull and Solas to death. Then the next morning I did it all over again. 

The Iron Bull, Solas, and Cole all respected my space and never tried to force a conversation, they played with the kids, and every other night Meraad and sometimes Garth with her went over to sleep in the Iron Bulls tent. Kalin stayed with me at night. When we were awake, he would sometimes go to the line and look at me and if I nodded, would go over to play with The Iron Bull or read with Solas, but if I wasn’t there, he stayed firmly on my side of the line. It was… heartbreaking and sweet. 

It was the first day on the Storm coast and miraculously it wasn’t raining. Windy and soggy, but not raining. 

Rocky already had breakfast cooking, which I found I was slightly disappointed over. I missed cooking. Dorian was the one to bring over my bowl of porridge and sit with me to eat. It was actually better than I had expected. The porridge had nuts and honey stirred into it with a dash of cinnamon.

Meraad came over with her bowl and tilted it to show me, she had pushed all of her nuts to one side and eaten the rest of the porridge. She made a gagging face and pointed at the nuts.

“You don’t like them?” I asked and she nodded. “Have you tried them or you just don’t think you’d like them?” She shifted and made a face. “If you don’t try things you won’t know if you like it.” 

She scrunched up her nose and looked down at the nuts warily before blowing out a breath then spooned one into her mouth… now sometimes it works, at least it worked with me and my brother, but Meraad’s face screwed up after a few chews and she started spitting it out, shaking her head. 

“Alright, now we know you don’t like nuts.” I wiped her mouth and smiled at her. “But I’m very proud of you for trying it.”

“Can I try one?” Kalin popped up next to her, peering into the bowl.

“Sure, love.” Why hadn’t he had any in his bowl?

He started to reach for one, but he and I both flinched when The Iron Bull suddenly spoke loudly. “No, you can’t have those!”

Kalin’s hand darted back and his eyes widened and I glared at The Iron Bull. He had both of his hands up in a pleading gesture, but was still on his side of the line. 

“Kalin, they’ll make your tongue swell up and your face itch.” The Iron Bull explained, his eye darting from me to Kalin and the bowl.

I frowned, I didn’t remember him ever reacting to anything before. I still nudged the bowl away from him though because if he was allergic to them, I didn’t want to have to discover what Thedas did to treat a reaction.

“Is it poison?” Kalin asked worriedly and looked at Meraad. 

Meraad’s eyes widened in horror and dropped the bowl and scrambled back from it. 

The Iron Bull shook his head. “No, it’s not poison. It’s… you know how I can wear Vitaar but you can’t? Because our bodies are different?”

Kalin nodded slowly.

“We can have the nuts, but you can’t, because our bodies are different.” The Iron Bull explained. He had come right up to the edge of the line but wasn’t crossing it. 

I felt my eyes narrow… because that sounded exactly like what my mom had told us about my dad’s allergies and I knew for certain most ‘healers’ here still believed in humors. Kalin shifted and looked at me with a frown. “Is that…?”

I nodded and picked up Meraad’s bowl. “A lot of people can’t have foods that other people can. It’s probably best we don’t let you have any nuts. I don’t want you to get sick. And if you ever eat anything or touch anything that makes you itch or makes it hard to breathe I want you to tell me as soon as you notice alright?”

He nodded quickly, and that was that. We cleaned up from breakfast, packed up, and got ready to move, but the incident stuck in my head. It was probably nothing, but… How had The Iron Bull known? Had Kalin had a reaction on the trip to Haven? How had they treated it? Why hadn’t he told me? I could have given him nuts at Haven! But then if he had, wouldn't he have known what they were? He would have remembered if he had a reaction. I nudged my horse towards the Iron Bull, much to both his and Dorian’s surprise. Thanks to my nightly appointments with Rage, I didn’t feel quite like flinching or stabbing him, so I just jumped right into my first question. “Why didn’t you tell me about his allergy? That seems like something I should have known.”

The Iron Bull nodded. “It honestly slipped my mind, Boss. There weren’t any nuts in Haven so I forgot to mention it. I’m sorry.”

That… was still weird. “How did you know?”

He… hesitated. Then visibly shrugged. “I knew.” 

An answer but not an explanation. Suspicious. And with Cole not mindwiping me, it stuck in the front of my mind as I moved back away from The Iron Bull. 

Dorian gave me a concerned looked. “I’m sure whatever he did to deserve your ire is truly terrible, but kaffas, Woman, your glares are terrifying.”

I couldn’t decide which part of that statement to focus on. Me being terrifying, or ‘whatever he did’. I looked at Dorian blankly for a moment. “Um.”

He raised his eyebrows. “You didn’t practice that glare?” I shook my head and he laughed. “Ah, that’s why it’s so terrifying. It’s honest.” 

I couldn't help a laugh. A short laugh, but a laugh. 

The Iron Bull pulled up short by a cave and had the Chargers clear it out so we could set up camp inside and not worry about rain. It was a solid plan and one I would have happily let them do only… Dorian dragged me off of the horse. “Come on, time to see if you’ve retained anything I taught you.”

I grabbed my staff wearily, expecting another magical training session, and then balked when I realized he was steering me towards the cave. “But-”

“Nope. Come along.” He grabbed my upper arm and steered me towards the cave. “They need barriers, and I want you to try a paralysis glyph I showed you.”

But I don’t want to fight! Aaaand- I was in the cave and there was skittering and- oh god giant spiders. I threw up barriers in a panic. 

By the time the cave was clear, I was shaky and and irritated and I had spider guts in my hair because one had gotten past The Iron Bull on his blind side and I had stabbed it with my staff blade (by which I mean I had seen it charging me and had stuck my staff out at it in panic and it had run right onto the blade) and then panicked a little more and cast a weak mindblast, except, if you cast a mindblast inside something it… explodes. 

“Dorian.” I said flatly when the all clear was called.

“Yes, dove?” He was doing his best not to laugh.

“Bath. Now. Produce it.” 

“Ah… I will figure something out.” 

‘Something’ turned out to be a hollow in the rocks outside filled with rainwater that he magically heated for me with a controlled glyph. I scrubbed myself raw with the soap provided and changed my clothes and then scrubbed my clothes until my arms ached. Then went in, collected the kids, and brought them out and scrubbed them and their clothes down too. Garth was the last to get a bath and by the time we came back into the cave, the camp and line had been set up and I wanted to return the soap to Dorian, so I took a breath and crossed, heading straight for his tent. The Iron Bull was stirring something over a fire, with Meraad bouncing close by and handing him the ingredients. Solas was sitting not far away with Kalin drawing next to him.

“Pawn to E four.” Solas said absently as he was leafing through a book.

The Iron Bull rolled his eye then gave him a flat look. “Really?”

Solas snapped the book shut and sighed. “I’m bored.” 

“Well go wack one out like a normal guy and leave me alone.” 

“Really, Bull?” Solas raised an eyebrow. “If you don’t think you are up to the challenge…”

The Iron Bull huffed and turned to take the chopped leeks for Meraad and dump them into the pot. “Ben Hassrath to F six.”

I narrowed my eyes as I watched them play chess without a board… Solas had been calling The Iron Bull, ‘Bull’, something he didn’t do in the game until after and only if the Iron Bull became Tal Vashoth. Why was I just now-? nope don’t think about it! Point is: I can remember now. And Solas and ‘Bull’ do not play chess until after the Storm coast. And Solas and ‘Bull’ were not growling or glaring at each other… another lie? 

I thought back to the day I ran into the Iron Bull outside the Tavern. He had called me ‘Kitten’, a name suggested by Solas. Varric had yet to get back and Maxwell was gone… that- “Solas, Iron Bull. Table.” I forced out and turned without checking to see if they would follow as the coincidences kept adding up in my mind. One right on top of another.

Egg jokes from a man not bald.

His knowledge of my preference for warmth and the sun.

The Iron Bull’s odd and terrifying fixation on me and the kids ever since the beginning. Both of them had called me Renae even though I never told them my full name.

Both of their apparent ease with kids. Bull was Ben Hassrath, he was never around kids. Solas was an immortal, rebellion general ‘god’ elf. None of which instilled parental skills.

But the most disturbing… Kalin’s allergy. How could he know that? My mind was reeling and when I made it to the table I was shaking because… this was… crap.

They both stood next to the table on their side and I chewed on my thumbnail anxiously. What…? "What is going on?" Solas opened his mouth and somehow I knew he was going to deflect or say something vague. “No lies, half truths, or non answers.” I cut him off and pointed at them. “Both of you are keeping something from me. I want to know. Now.” 

They were quiet for a moment and I growled and decided to ask something that would answer my question no matter what the answer. I leveled The Iron Bull with a glare. “Are you Hissrad, The Iron Bull?”

The Iron Bull’s eye widened then he glanced at Solas, which was weird, and then… "Both. Sort of. It's a big ball of wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey stuff." 

"No." My brain balked at that. But… Doctor Who?! “How… you- how do you know that!?”

The Iron Bull looked at me for a long moment before he moved slowly and pulled a paper to him and wrote on it and then slid it across the table towards me. 

I froze, because, there, in English letters, was my full name. First, middle, and last. 

Renae Alice Ellis.

I covered my mouth with my hand… and just stared at it. This was impossible and… how? “How-?”

"Once upon a time a woman fell from a rift with a glowing hand. She saved the world and a Tal Vashoth merc. Someone tried to destroy the world again, she tried to stop him, he killed her. The backlash sent us here." The Iron Bull said evenly, though he glared at Solas for the last bit.

"It was not on purpose." Solas said quietly, but did not dispute it.

What!?  
  



	29. Chapter 29

Time magic.

I sat on the ground with my head in my hands. It was insane, but yet now so much made sense. In fact, just about everything made sense. But I still felt as if there were critical things I was missing. 

“Okay, recap and tell me if I’m missing anything.” I held up my hands and closed my eyes as I tried to run through the information they gave me. “First, I was the one that fell out of a rift with the mark. Second, I somehow made it through to defeat Corypheus without dying. Third, I somehow fought against Solas and he… killed me!” Freakin’ Fen’Harel had killed me?!

“Yes, yes, and yes.” The Iron Bull said.

Solas let out an irritated huff. “You were the Herald and the Inquisitor in the other timeline, yes. A very capable one. I’m not sure exactly what changed, I’m sure it has something to do with ‘Jeff Goldblum’ and chaos. Third… I did not mean to kill you.” 

“Was… that a Jurassic Park reference?”

“Yeah, the story with the dinosaurs.” The Iron Bull nodded.

Solas shot him a confused look. “I did not hear that one.”

“It was after you got your ball busted and left.” 

I suddenly realized why The Iron Bull seemed to have hated- did hate Solas so much. “You know who he is.” 

The Iron Bull gave me a sharp look. “Yeah. And you too, apparently.” 

Crap.

“Uh… he’s not… very subtle?” I tried. 

“Intuition.” The Iron Bull huffed. “Just like the other Rae.” 

“The- She had intuition then?” Solas asked curiously. Okay… so The Iron Bull had known but he hadn’t? Weird… 

Other Rae… I frowned. “Are you sure… that I’m the same Rae you know but younger?”

“No.” The Iron Bull.

“Yes.” Solas.

The Iron Bull made an irritated sound in his chest again. “You’re not a demon, checked that already. You’re not… the Rae I knew. Kid says there isn’t an absence where the memories should have been, so it wasn’t taken. But if I think too hard on the ‘string theory’ and other crap she used to tell me about to terrify me, my head hurts.” 

“She is the same.” Solas argued, “without the experiences as Herald or Inquisitor, but she is the same in every other way.”

“No,  _ she _ isn’t.” The Iron Bull growled lowly. “Experiences are exactly what make someone who they are, and without those experiences, she can’t be the Rae we knew.”

“Yes… well.” Solas looked slightly uncomfortable. “Things have changed, you are almost the same but… you did not acquire the mark this time.” That hesitation… 

I stood and narrowed my eyes at him. “Why?”

Solas looked away guiltily.

“He tried to fix it.” Coles said quietly, suddenly sitting on the table. “If you didn’t have the mark he would not have to take your hand. Pain, hurt caused. I’m sorry, vh-“

“Cole.” Solas raised his hand and stopped him.

“I. Am going to kill you.” The Iron Bull said quietly, fixing Solas with a cold, flat look. “The absolute moment you aren’t needed, I am going to kill you and smear you to paste.” 

Vh- as in Vhenan?! And oh my god! “Get in line!” I shouted and whirled on Solas. “He- Vhenan?!” 

Solas winced and took a step back, raising his hands. “It is not wh-“

“You kissed me!” I accused and advanced on him. “You freakin’ kissed me! After you killed me?!” 

“You what?” The Iron Bull hissed, his hands clenching into fists. “You  _ what _ ?”

“Rae, Bull.” Solas took another step back but he wasn’t denying it. “It was a mistake.”

The Iron Bull growled again. “You bet it was, you lying little slimy mutt! You just waited for the moment she didn’t know anything? Was relying on you? Made your move when she couldn’t do anything?” 

“That’s not what happened!” Solas snapped at The Iron Bull and then turned back to me. “Please listen, that was not my intention, Rae.”

If Solas kissed me and Cole- “stop, stop, stop!” I held up my hands and stepped back. My heart was pounding and oh god- when he kissed me I- I almost- “You… I-? We were-?” Oh crap! crap, crap!

“No. You feared the heart hurt, said no. Again.” Cole said quietly. 

The Iron Bull’s eye closed in relief and placed his hands on the table and leaned on it. It creaked slightly.

I pressed a hand to my chest and just… breathing. In. Out. Okay. I was okay. “So- so you tried again? Hoping I-?” I wasn’t sure if I was more angry or just worried. The other Rae had said no and he had still… 

“It was not thought out.” Solas said desperately. “It- was a mistake and-”

“Yeah, you’re full of those.” The Iron Bull growled. He was gripping the table edge hard enough I was afraid he’d break it. “Leave her alone or I-“

“Stop.” I stepped between them and leveled them both with a glare. I was tired, I was hurt, and I was so freakin confused but most of all, I was done with it. These two both claimed to be my friends, or at least thought a lot of ‘Other Rae’, yet they were fighting like… “I am not a toy or a piece of meat!” They both looked as if I had slapped them in the face. So I forged on, throwing caution to the wind. “I don’t care what happened in some ‘alternate timeline’,” words I never thought to say with a serious expression. “I don’t care what I- this other Rae was to you. As The Iron Bull pointed out, that’s not me. I am a cook, I am a mother, and I am capable of making my own decisions! Who and who I do not go with isn’t any of your business.” 

I cared for Solas, I did, he had been a friend… a safe place... but this? No. I took a deep breath and forced myself to look at them. “Solas, you said you believed I would make a good leader?” He jerked his chin in a nod. “Then why weren’t you honest with me?” I asked quietly, hoping he would see how much his actions had hurt. Then I looked at The Iron Bull. “Do you think I would still make a good Herald? Did my experiences change that much?”

He breathed in slowly and then out just as slowly before stepping back from the table and moving back into his ‘at ease’ posture. “Sorry, Boss. Personal issues. I’ll try not to let it happen again.” 

Crap, that’s not- I shook my head. “I’m sorry I’m not the ‘Rae’ you know. I don’t  _ want _ to be the Rae you knew. I’m me.”

“He doesn’t want you to be the other Rae. He is just scared of seeing you broken in the wolf’s teeth as well.” The Iron Bull didn’t react at all to Cole’s murmur. It was as if he was a breathing statue. Solas flinched. 

I frowned at Cole. “Were you in the other time line? Or did you just read their memories?”

“I was there. Vivienne was there too. The you that was screamed so loud. It hurt.” He shuddered slightly. “Screaming, torn, too far away, gone in the beat of a heart ripped out and crushed. Gone.” 

“Hey, kid,” The Iron Bull sighed and closed his eye. “Remember what I said last time about saying my thoughts out loud? Yeah, that still counts.”

“But she needs-“ 

“No, she doesn’t” The Iron Bull said curtly. “My issues are not hers. I’ll deal with them.”

“You’re not Ben Hassrath.” Cole protested. “You can’t use it.” 

“Watch me.” 

I looked at the Iron Bull and- “You- you chose the Chargers…” then realized I probably shouldn’t have said that out loud. 

Solas gave me an odd look but Bull nodded, unphased. “Yes, Boss. I will again. Sorry about the alliance.” 

“Hang the alliance!” I laughed slightly. I was hurt but that didn’t mean I wasn’t happy for him. He chose the Chargers, chose himself. “I’m glad… Bull.”

He gave me another nod, still in his formal pose. “Thanks, Boss.” He paused and then, “I apologize for my outburst. I have personal issues with Solas but I will try not to let it get in the way of my job again.” 

Right. Solas. Fen'harel, ‘remake the world’ Solas, who was also in the ‘at ease’ pose, but his jaw was tight. I hated it. I wanted to trust them… I missed joking with Solas and oddly enough I missed The- I missed Bull in the kitchen playing with the kids, I know now that that was him, really him. The rest was a lie. A mask, like Vivienne had said by the stream and oh my god she had been trying to tell me!

“You both are very good liars.” I said, kind of sadly. I hated it.

Bull’s mouth twitched near a grimace. “I am still considered Hissrad, Boss.” 

“Yeah,” I sighed and then ran my hands over my face. “It’s late… I think I need some sleep and we can… talk more tomorrow but…” I looked between them. “No more lies. Clear, honest, open communication.” 

Solas gave me a pained look, “Lethallan, the only reason we did not tell you, was that you can not lie. You are easy to read, easily ex-“

“Fen-Frickin-harel!” I nearly shouted and he winced. 

He paused and then… “You were extremely and suspiciously wary of me.”

That… was a point… 

“She was frightened of everything.” Bull said suddenly and I was a little startled by his voice. “It blended in, wasn’t outside of her character.” 

Was that… agreement? 

“Sorry, Boss.” 

Wow, it was… okay. Moving on. I remembered what Vivienne had said… they had all been wearing masks, lies. “The other Rae managed to hide her… intuition from the freakin’ Dread Wolf, Solas. Just… No more masks and no more mind… wiping.” I glanced at Cole with the last bit.

Cole winced. “I’m sorry.” Then he frowned. “I wouldn’t pee on your box.” 

Solas startled and I covered my face. “Context… it’s fine Cole. I know, just… not again. I need to be able to work things out. It doesn’t matter how hard it will hurt.”

He nodded and I suddenly realized his hat was missing. How had I not noticed- He winced again and I sighed. Right. “Bed.” I sighed. “We’ll all talk tomorrow.”

“You will fight Rage.” Cole said quietly. 

“Yeah.” 

“It helps.” 

Yeah, it did.

I looked at Solas and Bull and- Ugh. Why did it hurt so much to see them like that?! Bed. Think about it tomorrow. I turned and headed back to my tent. “Goodnight. Don’t kill each other, please.”

The kids were all in bed… everyone looked to be asleep except… “Kalin?” 

He turned over in his bedroll and gave me a sheepish look. I sighed and sat down near him. "How much did you hear?" 

“Just the… loud parts.” 

Well. Crap. "Do… you have questions?"

He fidgeted and then sat up. "Are… you going to split us up?"

I closed my eyes and cursed myself for my own stupidity. To the kids we were their family, they latched onto us and now… Kalin heard, for all intents and purposes, his parental figures arguing, loudly and angrily. “No sweetheart,” I sighed and offered my hand to hold. “We just… have some things to figure out. You don’t have to worry, alright? We're… talking.”

He slipped his hand into mine. "I'd go with you."

"Oh, sweetheart. I'm- I'm not going to make you choose like that. We're working on things." 

He looked down at our hand and then back up and his lower lip trembled slightly. “I like it here. With everyone.”

"I'm glad." I squeezed his hand lightly. "We'll be alright. We love you." 

"You too." He mumbled, then flushed and yanked his hand away and curled back up in his blanket. "Night." 

I smiled. “Goodnight, Kalin.” 

I laid down and just stared at the canvas… I couldn’t sleep. Everything that had happened, that was said running through my mind. They knew just as much if not more than me… they had lived this, and now they were doing it over again. 

I gave up on sleep and slipped out of the tent. I did take my staff with me. Spiders. I left the cave and moved to sit and… I don't know. Look at the stars. I had been keeping my eyes down so long I'd couldn't remember if I had just looked at them since I got to Thedas. There was a boulder that looked even, but when I neared it I saw Bull’s massive form in the darkness. He had his head tilted up at the stars, but started to shift. "I'll leave you be, Boss."

He started to get up and I just… ugh I hated this. “Can… do you feel like talking to me for a moment?” I was fairly certain now that how he acted around Maxwell had been a lie. 

"If that's what you want." He sat back down. 

I shifted slightly before moving to lean against the boulder and shoved my hands into my pockets. “I… Kalin heard us… earlier.” That’s something he probably needed to know… Solas too. “I- you probably should talk to him and the others tomorrow.”

"I will." Bull let out a soft breath. "I'll tell him you're not going to split them up." 

Right… because he knew what they were worried about… "How many kids did the other Rae have?" 

Bull sighed and tilted his head back. “Six by the end… saved countless others.” He said quietly, almost wistfully. 

Oh… I felt my stomach knot in dread. What if I missed someone in Haven? “Have- have I missed anyone?” 

"No. I found Kalin for you. Next one is in the Fallow Mire. One in Halamshiral. One in the Exalted Plains." He paused, then added. "Those are just the ones she found." 

I suddenly felt like a burden had been placed on my shoulders by this other me… six kids all needing help, needing a home. “Were you… close to all the kids like-?“ I hesitated, unsure if I was allowed to ask this… it seemed too personal.

He swallowed. "Yeah." His voice was rough. "Yeah."

I looked up at the sky and just… god, I felt like I stole someone’s kids. Like they were mine, but not. “I’m sorry.” 

"They love you." He said in that oddly soft tone. The one I associated with Kitchen Bull. 

“Thank you… They love you too.” I tried to reassure him. It felt strange, trying to reassure and comfort a man I had been terrified of before. 

"Complicates things for you. Sorry."

“Complicates?” I frowned at that. 

He grimaced. "It'd be easier for you if they didn't. I… was selfish." 

“It is okay to be selfish sometimes.” I sighed and ran my hands over my face. “Bull… I am angry, hurt but… I would never ask you to step away from them.” He had known their names without asking. Probably had watched them grow up in the other timeline… they were… his. In his mind, in his heart. 

"I know. Why it's complicated. I hurt you but you won't hurt me. Same with both of you." He let out a ragged sort of laugh.

I shook my head. “No, I won’t.“ I agreed, “It- it doesn’t have to be complicated… platonic parenting.”

"Parenting is always complicated." He muttered brokenly. "But yeah. My role is done. I'll be doing my best not to… cause trouble for you."

I was at a loss… what- this man, if I understood everything correctly, had everything ripped away by a spell… and things are different. “Do you… want to talk? About the other time… line?” 

"No." A lie. A breath. The truth. "Yes, but I won't unless you have questions."

"You… can't be alright with…" I gestured vaguely. 

"Not really, no." 

I sighed and crossed my arms and looked up at the sky. “If… if you do want to talk. I can listen.” I tried. 

He was so quiet I was sure he had stopped breathing, and I was getting concerned, then he exhaled sharply. "Thanks, Boss." 

I looked over at where he was sitting and… his good eye was facing me and… there were tears. I suddenly felt my heart break. Did he and Dorian ever get together? Were they ripped apart? Did they adopt some of the kids? My mind whirled with questions.

“Bull?” I asked quietly, moving slightly closer. He made a noise I assumed meant he was paying attention… “Do- can I hug you?”

He stilled again before speaking hoarsely. "Yeah, but if you do I'm gonna cry on you. Messy."

I shoved the part of me that was hurt back, I could be angry tomorrow. He… Bull had lost everything and… really, I knew what that was like. He needed to cry. He needed to grieve. I could go back to being mad tomorrow.

I moved carefully, slowly. He was sitting so really the only way to hug him was to get in his lap. It… was awkward at first but as soon as I hugged him, (more like leaned into him, because it was like hugging a tree) his whole body shuddered, and he seemed to melt into it, holding me like he was afraid I'd shatter into pieces and he started crying, sobbing, aching, guttural, weeping for his lost life. 

I just held onto him and I cried too. Quietly, my heart breaking for him. I’m not sure how long it was, how long I hugged him, but until he couldn’t cry anymore, I guess. 

He eventually stilled and then his hold on me loosened as he exhaled slowly. “You…” His voice was thick and raw. “You probably need some rest, Boss.” 

“Yeah.” I let go of him carefully, there was a wet patch on my shirt… “You do too.” It was probably too weird but… I didn’t know if he should be alone. “Do you- would you like the kids to be with you?” Wait!? Did I just invite him to-?

“They’re already asleep.” He said and let his arms drop. “Kids need their rest.” 

I nodded, (relieved he hadn’t taken it as an invitation) sat back, and stood, thankfully it didn’t feel weird or gangly getting out of his lap… probably because he helped me stand up. “Alright,” I looked back at him and carefully placed my hand on his shoulder. I could reach it while he was sitting. “If you need to talk, or just need someone to sit with you… I’m here, okay?” 

He went very still again before nodding sharply. “Thanks, Boss.” 

Yeah, I hated that name too. “Now that sounds too much like Bas.” I laughed slightly. “Any chance you could call me Rae or Sunshine even?” 

“Sunshine.” He said quietly. “Rae is… confusing.” 

That was fair. “I understand.” I stepped back and gave him a smile, trying to lighten it a little. “I’m still angry at you.”

“That’s fair.” He cracked a slight smile. “If you let Krem apologize to you he might let you have the Feelings Stick.” 

“You know it sounds weird when you say it like that.” I laughed.

“Worse than ‘I’d let you use a Feelings Stick on me’?” He raised his eyebrow, then winced. “That… was probably inappropriate. Sorry.” 

I smiled and shook my head. “Yeah, but you’re Bull. I’d kinda be weirded out if you weren’t inappropriate from time to time.” I laughed and then leveled him with a serious look. “Just not in front of the kids.”

“Ma’am, yes, ma’am.” He gave a funny salute that… looked like the one Haley did when she was being sarcastic. Had the other Rae taught him that? 

“Goodnight, Bull.” I smiled and started back for the cave. 

“Goodnight, Sunshine.” I heard him call quietly over his shoulder. 

  
  
  



	30. Chapter 30

The next few days, we did the scouting missions and material gathering and other quests from Harding while we waited for the Crest to be made. The Storm coast lived up to its name. Wet. And stormy. 

And when we weren’t out gathering material for the Crest of Mercy, because I was not going to fight a whole hold, we mostly stayed inside the cave. And I trained. 

Today was no different. Well, a little different. 

Krem eyed me doubtfully. “You probably aren’t going to do much, you know.”

I shrugged, I knew I wasn’t, but Bull had said that it would be good to help me process my… fear of him. “Catharsis.” 

He sighed and handed the stick to me. “Well… at least it’ll be good exercise?”

Bull huffed a laugh as I adjusted my grip on the stick just like I had learned in my junior softball league and then… he braced himself. Obviously braced himself. That… okay. I shifted my feet, brought the stick up over my shoulder like a bat, and then swung with my full body, pivoting from the hip and following through and-

“Oof.” Bull wheezed and stepped back, bending over slightly. “Yup.” 

Krem was blinking at me. “Um. Can you teach me that?” 

I laughed and handed him the stick. “Sure, but that will break bone… probably not good to use it too often on him.” 

He took the stick and shifted both hands towards the end. “Still. Has to be useful in a fight.”

“Yeah.” I winced. Then I realized my staff was kind of short like a baseball bat, and huffed, Bull knew. “You left handed?”

He shook his head. 

“Then switch to the other side.” 

We spent a good five minutes working on his swing before Bull held up his hand. “Katoh.”

I froze midswing and blinked at him and he grunted at me and shook his head ruefully. “That’s all I can handle.”

“So soon, Chief?” Krem grinned playfully. 

“Yeah.” Bull backed up and bent over to clutch his stomach. “She’s got a mean swing.” 

I felt oddly proud about that… I might not have hit many Home runs. (two, I hit exactly two my whole three years.) but I got the Iron Bull to bow out. Which… he had been expecting it this time. “How did the other-?”

“One swing.” He huffed ruefully. “Didn’t brace for it.”

Well… “I still count it as an achievement.” I grinned and then realized that… hey. I actually felt a little better. “I think this stick works both ways.” 

Krem and Bull both snorted. 

Cue turning beat red. “No…. not- not what- gah.” I whacked Bull once more for good measure. “Kids.”

“I didn’t say anything, Sunshine.” Bull laughed and caught the stick on my next half hearted swing and pulled it gently out of my hands.

“Ready to run?” Krem asked slinging an arm around my shoulder, and I glared at him, making him back up and hold up his hands. “Okay, after lunch… what are you cooking?”

I looked up at him with a glimmer of excitement. “I get to cook this time?” Bull normally had everything already started before I could.

“Yeah, if you feel up to it.” Bull shrugged, “Rocky grabbed your spice boxes.”

There was a little twist in my stomach as my head replayed his voice growling ‘grab her things’. But I really had missed cooking. I was glad he had grabbed them. 

I found Rocky and he gave me a wide grin when I asked for my spice boxes then asked what all I needed. I decided on a stir fry of sorts. Dalish brought in a lot of edible leaves that really tasted like spinach, looked like spinach, I was calling it spinach, and I had meat and oil and pea pods. 

I went all out, spices were used as the whole cave smelled amazing by the time I was done making tortillas to put the fry in. Stir fry wraps anyone? It was nice to cook for a large group again. Though I did begin to miss Lionel and Brea keenly as I began passing out the wraps.

And, the thought occurred to me, I wasn’t… a prisoner or anything. I blinked up at Bull. “Can you help me write a letter to Brea?” 

He nodded as he helped Meraad adjust her hold on her wrap. “Tonight sound good to you?”

I nodded and gave him a grateful smile and sat down to eat my own wrap.

Everyone still adhered to the Line rule. No one crossed without asking. I started giving Cole permission a few nights ago… he looked too much like a kicked puppy every time I saw him. I was still mad, still upset but… life had to move on. 

Since that night Bull and I had talked, things felt less… strained. I was a little worried that he was comparing me to ‘the other Rae’ but if he was he didn’t say anything… unless I asked. I found myself wanting to ask, what had the ‘other Rae’ done? What was I expected to do? It was like a shadow or shoes I felt I was expected to fill. 

I had yet to really sit down and talk to Solas, we spoke and he started joining in on my magic lessons, but we hadn’t… talked. I knew I needed to but the knowledge that he had kissed me and was apparently in love with the ‘other Rae’ was… intimidating. 

While I wondered if Bull was comparing me to the other Rae, I… knew Solas was. He wouldn’t have kissed me if he wasn’t. The ‘other Rae’ had turned him down too… so there were similarities but, it just… felt wrong. What scared me most about talking to him I think was the fact that while Bull had terrorized me, he hadn’t actually done anything.

Solas… I guess… I guess now I knew what Solas had meant by ‘taking advantage’ of me… I didn’t have the facts, and he knew Cole had been keeping me from figuring things out. He said he was emotional and optimistic.

I tried to find an appropriate moment to talk to him but… that was a conversation that while intimidating needed to be private, and when you share a cave with a company of Chargers and the kids were always close by… not something I was comfortable talking about in front of them. I had already messed that up. 

This left my only real option left being the fade… don’t get me wrong I’ve dreamt with him before and trained and talked but this was an awkward (at least for me it felt awkward) topic.

So I decided that night to ask him to meet with me… It was Rocky’s turn to run with me and you wouldn’t think it but the guy could run… fast. At one point he had to rub it in by running backwards. Jerk. I wasn’t petty enough to cast a barrier behind his feet when he did, but I thought about it… oh, how I thought about it.

I waited until we finished running and I washed up, courtesy of Dorian’s heating runes, and had written a painstaking letter to Brea to let him know I was alright and the kids were too before I approached Solas. 

He had been careful to stay on the other side of the line and respect my space when I was on theirs, and now was no different. He was sitting with Kalin and they both seemed to be drawing and when I approached he stood up and stepped back so I could get to Kalin without getting within arm’s length of him. It was... considerate. (and awkward.)

I faced him, opened my mouth, then realized I… had no idea how to ask him without sounding… weird. ‘Dream with me?’ Weird. ‘Join me in the fade?’ Weird. ‘Find me in our sleep?’ Weird. 

“She wants to meet with you tonight.” 

I turned to look at Cole who was standing behind me. “That… didn’t sound any better.”

“You wouldn’t have said it.” He shrugged. “Like ripping off tape.”

“Ugh.” I groaned in agreement. I could feel my face flushing but faced Solas, who was looking at us in amusement. “I need to talk to you, privately and… dreams seem like the… best way to do that? If you would?”

He tilted his head. “If that is what you wish.”

Okay… well, that was that then. “See you… tonight.” Ugh. 

“Yes.” 

I turned to Kalin who was watching us with a frown. I gave him a smile. “You ready for bed?” 

Kalin looked down at his drawing and he made a face before looking back up at me. “Can I finish first?”

“Sure.” They really didn’t have a bedtime, it really didn’t work while we were traveling, they just went to sleep on their own or went to bed when we did. “Come on, to the tent when you’re done okay?”

“I will send him over when we’re through, Lethallan.” Solas promised with a small smile.

“Thanks.” It came out awkward and.. gah, I’ve shared a cabin with the man for pete’s sake! 

I went over to collect Meraad and Garth, but Meraad gave me the most pleading expression and leaned against Bulls chest when I mentioned bed. She wanted to sleep in his tent again. 

Bull shrugged and smiled. “S’all right with me, if you're good with it.”

I nodded, and Garth shifted his feet beside me, he wanted to as well but didn’t know if he should ask. “Got room for another?” I was rewarded with a beaming smile from the boy.

Bull huffed. “Long as he doesn't snore.”

I stifled a giggle as Garth bowed up in offense. “I don’t snore!” 

I wished them both goodnight and went back to my side to wait for Kalin. He didn’t take long and I made sure to ask if he wanted to go over to Bull’s tent too but he shook his head and crawled into his bedroll with a murmured goodnight. 

Why is it when you want to fall asleep it takes forever to? I must have tossed and turned for two hours before I finally was able to slip into the fade. Solas was there already, sitting in the reconstructed memory of his cabin in Haven. He was in the chair at his desk, a very familiar sight, and I felt myself relax a little bit at it. Which was probably the point. 

He smiled in greeting and stood. “Is this alright? We can go somewhere else should you prefer?”

“No this… this is good.” I tried to smile and sat down awkwardly on my cot. Rip the tape off… “I- we need to talk.” 

He did an ‘ah’ sound and sat back down. “Yes… I suppose we do.” He gave me a slightly rueful, apologetic smile. “I don’t suppose saying I am sorry will be enough, will it?”

I gave him a flat look. “What do you think?”

He huffed and sat back in his chair. “I made a mistake… many mistakes.” He got quiet and stared at his hands. “Bull was correct in that I was responsible for… for your death. But it was an accident, I would have never...” he closed his eyes and took a breath before continuing. “When I awoke the breach had just been formed… I could not undo that but…” he looked up at me. “You were still within the Fade.”

I didn’t know where he was going with it so I just sat and waited for him to elaborate. 

He stood and began pacing. “Before… after a while, you told me before that the mark wasn’t on your hand first, you told me how Trevelyan had perished in the Fade and the mark went to you.” 

Ooh! “So you-?”

“I only had moments to act,” Solas looked at me with pleading eyes. “I only wished… I wanted to spare you. It was selfish and-“ he sighed and shook his head. “Turned out to be just as much if not more of a mistake as the breach itself.” 

Well, that was… “Huh.” I said faintly. “You uh… really should stop trying to fix things, you know?” 

He put a hand over his eyes. “So you’ve told me.” He groaned then continued. “I contacted Faith and she promised to try to ensure both Trevelyan and the Divine’s survival… only for Trevelyan to step out of the rift alone.” 

“You thought I was dead?” I thought back to the relief I heard in Solas’ voice when I first showed up. 

Solas nodded and continued pacing. “There was no time to contact Faith again. I had to keep the anchor from killing him. It was harder than I remembered, probably due to his abilities as a templar. And then we were trying to stabilize the breach, Varric names me Chuckles… again but no one but myself seemed to remember. I was just about to give up but then-“ he laughed and looked at me. “There you were, in those hideous clothes, barefoot and confused.” He laughed again and shook his head at the memory. “Just like you did last time only without the mark.”

He kept saying ‘you’ and I shifted uncomfortably wondering how to point out that the ‘Rae’ he’s talking about and me and different… inherently alike but still different. 

“It was a relief that I had not doomed you inadvertently.” He stopped pacing and then looked at me apologetically. “I tried… to protect you. Trevelyan…” he looked away and his jaw ticked before he spat out. “I should not have tampered with anything. He was meant to die, you were meant to bear the mark. This… I bear the blame for the abuses you have suffered.”

On one hand, yeah. He did. On the other hand, he looked miserable. I was at a loss how to respond whether to offer sympathy or agree. In the end I decided to just look down at my lap and asked the real question I was here to ask.

‘Rip off the tape.’

“Why did you kiss me, Solas?”

He froze, he’s pacing brought to an abrupt halt and he didn’t say anything for a long moment, but eventually he sighed. “Forgive me it was inappropriate and ill considered.” He looked at me and I could see the self loathing in his eyes. “ I swore to myself to be happy with your friendship and only that and after... well. I was content.”

“And then?” 

He walked over and sat down beside me and rested his arms on his knees and stared at his hands. “You- I once asked if the mark had changed you. If it’s influence had altered your thinking. You said it didn’t and I didn’t… want to believe it, I wanted to think it was my magic, elvhen magic that made you more than what you were.” He huffed and shook his head. “I was a fool. I- I saw you continue to help, to protect even when the world was less than kind. I saw you shine through no matter your situation… and-“ he hung his head and sighed before standing. “It doesn't matter anymore.” 

It didn’t, but not for the reason he seemed to be thinking. “Solas… I’m not… I’m not the other Rae.” 

He got still again and then he looked at me. “How can you be sure? True, you do not bear the mark and circumstances have changed but you are at your core the same. Everything I know as Rae, you are.”

I shook my head, he was in love with a shadow of me (funny really when you think about it.) “And how well do you know me Solas?”

He looked up in surprise at the question. “Fairly well.”

I stood up. The only way I could get him to see me as different was to try and dig up things I wouldn’t have told anyone and hope the other Rae didn’t. “What was my first pet’s name?” 

He tilted his head in confusion. “I… do not know.”

“Sage.” I gave him a sad smile. “I wasn’t allowed a pet, my mother was allergic to both dogs and cats. My brother had a fish that died three days after he got it and my father said no more.” 

Solas frowned and I forged on. “What’s my favorite flower?” Again, he frowned but did not answer. “None, I favor stones… opals.” 

Solas shook his head. “What are you-?”

“Who is my favorite singer?” 

He looked triumphant for a moment. “Maryden.”

I shook my head. “Svrcina.” 

He sighed and gave me a pleading look. “Please stop.”

I sighed and walked over to him. “Solas… you say I am the Rae you know… but you know nothing about me… not really.” He started to shake his head and I touched his arm. “Solas. Are you-? you want me to be the Rae you know, because if I’m not… it means she’s dead?”

As soon as the words were out of my mouth Solas broke, his shoulders started to tremble and he was shaking his head. “That- she…” he looked away from me but I could see tears forming in his eyes. 

“Solas. I’m not her.” I said gently and reached up to touch his cheek and turned it to make him look at me. “The time blast that sent you, Bull, Cole, and Vivienne here… you all had your memories yet woke in a younger body.” I said slowly.

“Tel’sathan.” He started shaking his head and the tears started falling, “please, do not.” 

It broke my heart to see him like this but… he needed… needed to realize. “She wasn’t, the Rae you know and fought, she wasn’t alive to be sent.”

“You-” He tried again, stubborn man. 

“Solas. I’m not her.” 

Solas pulled away and almost instantly he was gone. I blinked in surprise and then realized he had woken himself up. It took me only a moment to find the thread and follow.

It was still dark, Kalin was still sound asleep and I got up slipping on my boots before slipping out the tent. 

Cole was there pacing just outside. “He doesn’t want to believe. If you’re not her, then she’s dead. He killed her. Too fast, too much. Stomach twisting, dread fear. No! Gone, I’m sorry, ma’falon, Ma’vhenan.”

I sighed and put a hand on his arm. “Where is he?”

Cole pointed towards the cave opening. “He wanted to breathe. Look at the stars. She loved the stars.”

Of course… I patted his arm and moved outside carefully. Everything was wet and slippery, he wasn’t far but I took a bit of time to spot him sitting behind a boulder. “Solas?”

He didn’t turn to look at me, just looking up. “I came to look at the stars… as it is, it seems that will not work out.” His voice was shaky and strained.

I glanced up and the clouds were thick, you couldn’t even see the moons. “Are you alright?” Then I wanted to kick myself , because of course he wasn’t okay. I had forced him to face the death of a woman he loved.

He shook his head and I could see his cheeks were wet with tears. “You- she once told me… ‘you will tear out my heart.’ I didn’t-“ he laughed and it sounded more like a sob. “I could understand how y- she could believe me so heartless.”

He was making an effort to say ‘she’ not ‘you’, he was trying. I carefully moved to sit next to him but he didn’t move, just sat there taking breaths that sounded shuddering, like he was trying not to break down. 

“I… she knew.” He said quietly after a while. “I break and destroy everything I love... in the pretense of helping.” He broke sobbing on the last word.

I felt helpless, what do you say to a man you care for but is in love with an aspect of you… how do you comfort them? I didn’t feel as comfortable hugging him as I did with Bull but… really I doubted a hug was what he needed right now. 

I couldn’t leave him by himself though, so I tucked my knees up against my chest and sat by him while he grieved for the other Rae. 


	31. Chapter 31

Solas was… distant. There but not really. He stayed in his tent mostly and didn’t come out to eat breakfast or lunch. I felt horrible, but… everything needed to be said. 

Right? 

I was still debating if I had handled that right when Skinner stomped up to me. “Time to train.” 

I sighed and hauled myself to my feet. “More running?”

“No.” She said, and her hand shot out towards my head and I flinched, covering my head with my arms. “That. We must fix that.”

My heart was racing. “I-”

“You react without thought, it is good. We must make that reaction useful, yes?” She said sternly.

“Um. Yes?”

“Good.” She smiled and then reached for my head again. “Now when your arms come up, move through the motion, to strike away my hand.”

She made me go over and over through different reactions, turning my flinch and cower response into a strike and twist. All of it in slow motion, but by the time she finally called an end to the training, I was feeling… a little better about it. One day I would be able to stop someone from grabbing my hair. Maybe I could grow it back out.

“Hey, Sunshine!” Bull called from the opening of the cave, Meraad sitting on his shoulders. “Special delivery.” He held up a bag for me to see. “Mercy’s Crest, courtesy of Herrit.”

“Oh… yay…” That meant fighting… People… fighting people, not spiders… oh god, I was going to be sick, and we hadn’t even done anything yet. Pathetic.

“Hey, you’ll be fine.” Bull’s hand fell lightly on my shoulder, then lifted away when I flinched slightly, “Just breathe. We’ll head in that direction tomorrow.”

I swallowed and forced myself to nod. Tomorrow… Think about it tomorrow.

Tomorrow came faster than I was ready for and before I knew it we were walking towards the gates of the fort/outpost/thing. 

I felt my arm shake as I held the crest up over my head as Bull had directed, for the Blades to see. “Doing good Sunshine, just hold it up, let them get a good look. Don’t worry about the dogs, let Solas and Dorian handle them.” Bull murmured quietly the whole time we walked.

He just had to say dogs. Mabari. Crap. I tried not to shake as we got closer. There were guards outside the gates and they were looking at me like I had two heads. (That or just questioning my sanity. Yeah… me too.) ‘Hi, yes, tis I, the tiny random woman who flinches at abrupt movements, here to challenge your leader to mortal combat. Don’t mind me as I walk into your camp and …. oh god, what was that!? 

Okay, it was human but really?!

He was huge. Like. Almost as big as Bull. 

“So... you would challenge the Blades of Hessarian?” He was frowning and looked between me and over and Bull, Dorian and Solas behind me and then back to me. “Is this a joke?”

I… said nothing because… yeah. Yeah, it was. I was considering just turning around and walking out when…

“No joke, you killed the Inquisition’s people.” Bull had to say and of course he sounded menacing and serious and- oh god, he was actually going to make me fight this beast!

The man looked at him and then at me and smiled. “You do realize the carrier of the crest is considered the challenger?”

“Yup.” 

That was mean. 

He blinked. “Andraste’s tits, you are serious.”

“Yup.” 

If I survived this I was going to put itching powder on his eyepatch. 

The man frowned again but unslung his ax from his back. “Very well, if you seek justice… claim it.” 

I really wasn’t given time to think as he shouted and swung that ax he was terrifying and one strike of his ax had my barrier sputtering out. Dodging it was then. 

Because they had trained me to dodge… not.

I was a cook! Not a warrior! I know blender spells! I barely dodged another ax swing that only barely went over my head because I was shorter than he was used to and in heart pounding panic…

I used the blender spell. 

In his head.

The ax dropped from his hands and I stepped back in horror as his body jerked and convulsed before falling to the ground, brain matter and blood oozing- I turned and immediately began to puke.

“Well that was horrifying.” Dorian sounded distant. 

“Crap.” Bull said, then. “Dorian, help her?” 

“Why me-?

“You’re the only one who hasn’t hurt her.” Bull hissed, then turned and started talking to someone else and I was dry heaving because I had- I heaved again and squeezed my eyes closed trying to banish the… image. God, I just killed someone! 

I felt someone’s hand tentatively touch my back. “Easy… um… water?”

Dorian. I nodded shakily. Water. Yeah. He moved and a skin was held in front of me and I tried to move my shaking hands to take it. 

“So how did you-?” He didn’t even finish the question before I was heaving again. “My mistake, forget I asked.” He said quickly.

It took a while for me to get my breathing under control… and when I said that, I meant not heaving right after taking a breath. Someone had covered… the body with a canvas and Bull quietly walked me through accepting the Blade’s loyalty or… something. I was a bit out of it. 

Solas came in leading the horses, I was too out of it to even worry about falling as Bull set me up on the horse. I had killed someone. I had killed someone with barely more than a thought.

The ride passed in a litany of ‘oh god, I killed someone’ and I could sense Dorian giving me concerned glances, but Bull was keeping his distance and Solas was giving me faintly horrified glances when he thought I wasn’t looking.

The cave came into view and I slid off of the horse like Dorian had taught me and ran to the hollow of rain water to scrub… I… didn’t actually have blood on me but it felt like I did. I couldn’t get the image… his eyes had… I had done that. I had ridden into a camp with the intention of killing a man. Oh god.

If there had been anything left on my stomach I would have lost it. What- how could I have-? I leaned against the side of the pool and it was too dark to see my reflection but I somehow knew what image would be staring back at me… I had killed him… killed him with a thought. I had killed him… in an instant his life was over… I did that. 

“Hey…” I turned and wasn’t sure if I welcomed the sight of Bull standing a good few yards away from me. “You need any help?”

I laughed at that… a ragged kind of laugh that felt like I was nails in my throat. “Help with what? I killed him…” I asked in disgust at myself. “I walked right in and killed him. That’s what you wanted right? Well he’s dead. Congratulations.” I was crying and a breath away from becoming hysterical. My chest was tight and my stomach ached. “What do you want? Talk about how his eyes- how his brain- how-“ I broke, my knees gave way under me and hit the ground as I turned into a hysterical sobbing mess on the floor. 

Bull eased closer and sat down out of his arm’s reach. “You took the path of the least deaths.” He said simply. As if it was simple. “His decisions caused his death. He ambushed and murdered our people. Would keep ambushing and murdering people. And you didn’t walk in and kill everyone. You took the time to still save as many as you could.” 

“S-so I-I’m what?” I asked through my tears. “Judge, Jury and Executioner?”

“Unfortunately, yeah.” He said. 

I gaped at him, momentarily startled from my tears and he shrugged.

“You saw he was hurting people, you fixed it. I assume that lives are important to you, and so I’m pointing out you saved more than you took. What’s it called. Uh, ‘karmic balance’?” 

Hear Bull say things like ‘Karma’ was still… so strange but I was able to focus on his words besides the gnawing guilt I felt in my chest. “H-how did… the other… she deal with it?”

Bull sighed and stretched out his legs in front of him. “I don’t know about the first time… I wasn’t there. But the times I was she would disappear for a few minutes behind a rock or bush after every scrap we found ourselves in. After a while she was able to push through but it didn’t make it easy for her.”

We sat there in silence for a few minutes. He didn’t move, didn’t speak, just sitting there like he knew I shouldn’t be left alone. 

After a while I wiped at my face with the sleeve of my shirt. “I… I don’t want to become… numb to it.”

Bull was quiet for a moment before speaking. “Numb… becoming numb isn’t a bad thing. Becoming callous.. yes. Numb just lets you keep moving. Like how adrenaline keeps you moving on a broken leg.” He looked at me and gave me a sad kinda smile. “Don’t be afraid of becoming numb, just of becoming callous.”

It… made sense in a way. A thin but sure line. I sighed and dropped my forehead onto my knees. “Thedas sucks.”

He didn’t dispute it. After a long moment he hesitantly spoke. “You want a hug? I can go get the kid or-?” He lifted his arm slightly, slowly in an awkward sort of invitation. 

It just looked so awkward and… sweet actually and I found myself snorting slightly. “You’re not… gonna cry on me are you?” It was a weak, lame attempt to joke. A horrible one, but he gave a slight chuckle. 

“Not this time.” 

I huffed and scooted over until I was pressed against his side, under his arm. I felt so small next to him and- he started vibrating… “It… is really weird that you can purr.” 

“It’s a rumble.” He said without heat. “I don’t purr.” I craned my head back to look at him and he smirked. “Well… maybe… in the right circumstances.” Then he winced. “Sorry, not appropriate.” 

I huffed and shook my head before sighing and leaning against him. “It’s alright… kids aren’t right here. It’s… relaxing in a weird way. Like a big… cat.” I flushed and groaned. “Sorry, that sounded bad.”

But he didn’t seem offended as he just huffed. “Dragons purr you know.”

“That… has to be pretty incredible to hear, honestly.” Terrifying, but incredible. 

“It is.” He chuckled and then… that little vibration in his chest got louder obviously exaggerated but still… I placed my hand on his chest and I could see it vibrating. “I stand corrected. You purr like a dragon. Rae greatly approves.” I murmured, and then was startled by him suddenly choking and laughing and I flushed. “Sorry.”

He shook his head. “It’s just… a joke from the other Rae.” 

“What was the joke?”

“Oh. I had helped Sera out with a prank and she came storming out, her hair sticking up everywhere and feathers in it and murder in her eyes, and she stomped her foot and pointed at me and I thought she was gonna cast, but she just hissed, ‘Rae greatly disapproves’, and then whirled and stormed off.” He frowned, though his expression was fond. “And then she sent me and the boys to the mire to clear up the undead, which was just petty.” 

I chuckled. “Passive aggression.” 

Bull huffed. “Something like that. But it became a sort of joke among us, anything happened, ‘so and so greatly approves’.” He shifted a little, adjusting his bad leg. “Feeling better?”

I was… actually I felt a lot better and I wasn’t sure if I should be happy or upset by that fact. “You uh… learn how to do that with the other Rae?” I asked.

He shook his head. “No. By the time she trusted me, she already knew how to deal with it by herself.” 

“How long did that take?” I asked curiously.

“Till I called the retreat for my boys.” He said softly. 

I bit my lip considering, he already knew I knew things but… “ did she ever say what would’ve happened if you hadn’t?”

“No. Just that she would have sent me away. But it’s pretty obvious. She was tight lipped and wary around me till I went Tal Vashoth, and then she was open and helpful.” He shrugged. “I would have betrayed her. She would have had to put me down.” 

I sighed and leaned against him to steal some warmth. “I’m glad I know you’ve already made your decision.”

He hummed. “I noticed you started calling me Bull after you found out.”

“It’s one of the things Cole had to erase apparently.” I said, not too bitterly because Cole was a puppy. “Solas called you ‘Bull’ instead of The Iron Bull and I should have noticed.” 

He got quiet and I half expected another apology, but then he sighed. “You want to huddle with the kids?” He asked quietly. 

I winced, “I worried them, didn’t I? Running and hiding in here.”

Bull shrugged, “I don’t think they saw, Krem had them outside going through some drills.”

Oh. That was smart. Running was a good way to work off childish energy, if you can get them to cooperate. “How’s that going?”

“Garth is getting pretty good with his sword. Meraad is working on daggers and Kalin is only putting up with it to make them happy.” 

“Wait. What?” I straightened indignantly. “You’re giving children weapons!?” 

Bull stiffened. “Ah, crap!” He leaned back and held his hands up (sort of like he expected me to punch him). “I’m sorry, I forgot to-” 

I did punch him (not that it did anything) and stood up. “You can’t just- you don’t- they’re kids!”

“Garth asked so he could protect you and Meraad from the templars.” He blurted out. “I didn’t want him sneaking off and doing it on his own. I should have said something, that was my bad.” 

His ‘bad’... for some reason him saying that made me picture whacking him on the back of the head with a rolled up newspaper shouting “Bad Bull.” And then the amusement was chased off with the realization that Garth was… “He shouldn't have to worry about that.”

“But he does, and the training helps him sleep better.” Bull reasoned quietly. “Look, I’m not saying it’s right, or should be like this. Just that’s it’s the reality he lives in. I should have talked to you first though.”

I made myself breathe and tried to look at it from his point of view. “He trained before didn’t he?”

He nodded. “Yeah. Not as… frantically as this time, but yeah. I got you mixed up and forgot you didn't know. I’m sorry.” 

I sighed and covered my face, wishing I could just give them a world they didn’t have to- “Can he even lift a sword? He’s five… six?” And then I had another horrible realization. I had absolutely no idea when their birthdays were. “Do you know their birthdays?”

He shook his head. “The other Rae just celebrated the day she found them each year.” 

That was a good idea… only I really don’t know the calendar here… “Um… do you know the dates?” 

He nodded. “Yeah.” He then paused and winced. “Kalin’s the oldest… he’s seven.” 

“Ah.” Seven… Well, everything made so much more sense now. “Thank you.”

Bull grunted and started to get up and I offered a hand out of habit and he raised an eyebrow at me in amusement, taking my hand, but definitely doing most of the work, and stood. 

“Thank you.” I said quietly as we both started walking back towards the fire. “For coming to check on me.” 

“Well, it was either me or Dorian, and uh… judging from the way he tried to comfort you on the trip and I figured I couldn’t do any worse.” He huffed. 

I laughed because… he was really bad. “Completely out of his element.” I hadn’t seen or heard them flirt or anything yet… was Bull holding off because memories…? and possibly for the same reason he said I wasn’t the same as the other Rae? Maybe he didn’t want to because that wasn’t the same Dorian? I wondered if I should try and nudge him a little… “He’s cute though.” I added quietly and waited to see his response.

He chuckled. “Yeah, but you’re not his type, Sunshine.” 

I shrugged. “If he was interested in women… maybe.”

He shook his head with a grin. “That poor boy would have you wrapped around his finger in a heartbeat.” 

I chuckled. Haley and I used to hypothetically pair each other up with random people we saw when we went out to eat or to the movies. And make up elaborate backstories and love stories for them… stupid but it felt good to pretend for a little bit. “But not you?” I asked playfully.

“I’m too old for that much…” He paused. “Drama.” 

“Because you’re not a walking drama.” I snorted sarcastically. 

“It’s old drama though.” He countered cheerfully. “Completely different. Hits at a different angle. He’s got daddy issues and I got a bad knee that aches in the rain.” 

I raised an eyebrow at him. “I think you could make quite the couple if you gave it a chance. Besides, you’re completely his type.” 

Bull was silent for a long moment before he spoke quietly. “Not that I don’t… appreciate the effort, but… no, Sunshine. I’m not looking for anyone else. I...” He huffed and rapped his knuckles against his head. “Too much drama.” 

Oh… “Sorry, I didn’t mean to-“

He shrugged. “It’s okay. What is, is. Just got to live with it.” he then smiled and gestured towards the fire. “You want to cook tonight?”

“Yeah.” I still felt terrible, but food was always good. Maybe I could make something spicy to cheer him up. “Tacos sound good?” 

He smiled and nodded. “Sounds good, I’d help but I gotta send a bird off to Red. Kids should be back inside in a few.” 

“Alright.” I watched him turn and leave and firmly decided not to try and ship anyone. Whatever had happened in the past… future… (past-future, future-past or whatever it was,) he made it clear he had no intentions… which fair.  
  



	32. Chapter 32

The next few days were spent mostly planning, training and packing. In that order. 

One of the Blades of Hessarian, another big burly guy, came by the cave to see me… for orders, because I was apparently their leader. The man looked absolutely jumpy when I walked out… right because he saw- Nope, not thinking about it. 

I gave him ‘Order’s’ to seek out the Commander of the Inquisition. He put a fist to his chest in a salute and left. In a hurry. Okay. 

I looked over at Bull who was watching, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed. “And they’ll just… do what I tell them to? Just like that?” He nodded and I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose. “And if I was a tyrant or warlord or just overall terrible person they would still follow blindly… that’s horrible.”

Bull grunted and pushed off the wall. “Yeah, well no one said they were the smartest bunch. Useful though.”

It was terrible and unsettling and I didn’t like it. Maybe I could change how leaders are chosen… how would I even go about doing that?

Bull sent that letter off to Leliana to tell her the area had been secured and the outcome of the spat with the Blades. We had to wait for a reply before we headed out again. That took a few days, and the Chargers seemed to enjoy making up new ways for me to ‘train’ during the time I wasn’t traipsing them through caves to seal up the darkspawn tunnels I knew of. Randomly shooting an arm out at me, climbing trees or a slippery ridge, throwing pebbles or sticks at me at random times and declaring me dead if I didn’t catch them or if they hit me, so many irritating ways of ‘training’. 

I was quite proud of myself when I stopped trying to catch them and just started focusing on throwing up a barrier last second. It wasn’t until I blocked ten in a row that they decided it was time for me to start sparring… yay… and I say that with the utmost sarcasm. 

I had just been put flat on my back for the umptenth time when a whistle from Bull called the match against Skinner to a halt. (The woman was brutal.) “You got some letters, Sunshine.”

I picked my head up to look at him and cocked an eyebrow at him. “Letters letters? Or orders letters?”

Bull smirked and held up several folded and sealed letters. “Both.”

I pushed myself off of the ground with a groan and ( yup, my hip was going to be bruised from that last fall/throw. Dang it, Skinner!) I took the letters from him and was able to make out the letter/orders from Leliana. There was a slim one from Cullen, a… pretty thick envelope from Josie, one from Varric and, I smiled at the shaky script that was very much like my own, Brea. (And a few letters from 'Friends')

Of course I opened Brea’s first and moved to sit by the fire, conveniently by Solas and Dorian, so I could read it… I had to stop a few times to get help with a few words but for the most part I was able to sound most of it out. 

Brea started it by calling me ‘momma Rae’ and telling me he was doing good, he’s still working in the kitchen though he said he didn’t have to, but he enjoyed the work and had tried his hand at cooking. He went on to say Lionel said to tell me he said ‘hi’ and that I should be proud that he wrote the letter with minimal help. He ended the letter by signing his first name and then ‘Cookson’ as his last name. I cried. That hadn’t really been my last name but there was no way I was correcting anyone now that Brea had claimed it. 

The letter from Varric was next, it was short, sweet and easy to read. Smaller words, the big considerate softy. Just said everyone was doing good, everyone missed me, and to stay safe. Also that Lionel was begging him to write the next part of Swords and Shields. Interesting.

Cullen’s was next and it was just a short ‘Thank you for securing the Blades they will be a great asset. Well done in stabilizing the Storm Coast’ and a ‘I hope you are well.’

What? Why would he-? … Moving on. 

Leliana’s was basically a briefing on what to expect from the Fallow Mire… I promptly handed the letter to Bull to summarize because she was using a lot of words I hadn’t learned yet and yeah... 

Josie… Josie’s letter was long… more so when you have to work out every word. I ended up giving up about halfway and handing the letter to Dorian with pleading eyes. “Please?”

He huffed and took the letter, reading it aloud for me. It was mostly a report of sorts and didn’t become like a personal letter till the end. Where she ‘bemoaned’ the loss of my cooking, asked me again to forgive her for the ‘marriage’ to Bull, and said she missed my company, and that we would have to have tea when I returned. She promised chocolate. Done.

There were several from Sera and friends and Dorian gave me a shocked but considering look when I asked him to help read and reply to them. Sera's was the longest to reply to because there was just soooo much that had happened and every time I thought I had written everything down, I remembered something else. I ended up just doing bullet points because… yeah, not writing that formally. 

It took me all morning to write the replies to everyone. Painstakingly sounding out words, writing them carefully, and asking whoever happened to be close how to spell things. I kept them short and to the point but my hand still ached and I had a headache by the time I finished scrawling my name at the bottom of the letter to Brea and Lionel. I rubbed my temples and stared at it, then was struck by inspiration. “Hey, kids! Who wants to send back one of their drawings to Ser Lionel and Brea?” 

There was an excited chorus of ‘me’s and then I had a stack of drawings shoved into my hands with instructions. These were for Lionel, these were for Brea, this one was for Uncle Varric, Meraad sent a page filled with flowers to Sera- and Kalin… he sent a blue nug drawing to Leliana. Sweet, slightly worrying, but then again we have seen a lot of nugs.

Bull slipped a report he had written out for me into the stack for Cullen and… I’m not sure exactly why Garth had sent a drawing to Cullen, but it definitely made the letter thicker. On a whim, I opened up Garth’s drawing, and then had to facepalm. It was a very clear, if childish, drawing of a small stick figure with a sword standing between a big mage and a little elf and a stick figure with a sword and armor. 

“Garth, sweetie… I can’t let you send a threat to the Commander.” 

“Why not?” He set his jaw stubbornly.

“Because it’s rude.” I said lamely. “And he’s a friend.” Ish?

“Fiiiine.” Garth took the picture and… drew a smile on the figures. He handed it back to me with a smug expression that looked… exactly like Solas’. “There. Fixed it.”

I wavered and then gave in. “Okay, but just this once. If you send him another picture it can’t be a subtle threat either.” 

Garth grinned and dashed off… oh, he was going to be a terror. I turned to hand it to Bull only to freeze at the sight of him standing there with his shoulders shaking in suppressed laughter.

“I blame you.” I said, though I was fighting my own smile as I dropped the drawing into the stack. Hopefully Cullen didn’t parse the message...

Some of his laughter escaped him but he held up his hands. “Hey, I told him not to use any red.” 

….Okay. That was helpful. I had seen Garth draw some pretty… um… violent drawings with red. 

And while my mind was on the subject. “We’re gonna need more paper for them soon.”

“I took the liberty of having some sent to the main Inquisition camp, as well as some new colors.” Solas said from several paces away. “We should be passing by it on our journey to the Fallow Mire.” 

I looked up and gave him a smile. “Thank you.” He was doing better than the last few days but was still a little… distant. “How are you doing?”

He gave me a strained sort of smile. “Thank you for your concern… I will be well, in time.” He handed me a few reports to send back and then excused himself.

I sighed and set them in the pile. I was trying to give him space and time and I wasn’t sure how much time he would need. He was an ancient elvhen… immortal, death was never a natural thing and always a tragedy or lost in battle. I had absolutely no idea how long that would take…. How long did Ancient elves grieve? 

I realized Bull was still nearby, when normally he discussed what he needed and then gave me distance, and he wasn’t growling or grunting in Solas’ direction soo…? I glanced up at him uncertainly. "Did you need something?" 

"I wanted to ask if we could bring one of the Blades. We're short a rogue and they're loyal." 

Oh… I winced and looked back at the camp… The Blades made me uncomfortably really. “What about the chargers? Could they-?”

"I was considering you might want to leave some of the Chargers at the edge of the Mire with the kids and to do a quick sweep with a smaller party because of the plague. Wanted you to have options that won't leave you short handed." He was in that at ease posture that meant he was trying not to be intimidating. 

I sighed and looked at the table… he was right. I didn’t want the kids in the mire or near the plagued area. Yet, I was wary of bringing in someone I didn’t know. Someone I was unsure if I could trust, fealty vows or no, it says nothing about the person themselves. “Do… you have one of them in mind?”

“Everett Holt. Good shot, quick eye, little bit of a flirt but does a good job." 

That was a quick answer. “You know them from before?”

"A bit. Enough to know he's good enough to let at your back." 

“Good ‘decent’ or good ‘skilled’?” I pressed this… if he was going to be around my kids I needed to know. “What’s his character?”

He raised a shoulder in a half shrug, "Takes a 'no' seriously, not cruel, won't complain if you go off mission to help people." Bull hesitated. "I wasn't friends with the other one, just… observed." 

Guess that was about the best I could get. “Alright. Want to invite him to come out and eat with us? Get to know everyone before we head out tomorrow?” I paused and then gave Bull a serious look. “But I reserve the right to boot him out if I don’t like anything.”

"You're the boss, Sunshine." Bull replied easily and saluted with a fist to his chest and it felt… teasing but true.

“Yeah… however that happened I’m still not sure.” I chuckled and then looked at the stack of letters, reports and drawings. “I think that’s it.”

“Right. I’ll get them sent then.” He nodded and picked up the stack before moving off. 

Everett Holt. 

Now, I wasn’t someone to get caught up on someone’s looks but… that man, even by Thedas standards (which was pretty darn high) was gorgeous. Like the love child of Jensen Ackles and Chris Evans gorgeous! Just darker hair. I'm pretty sure I saw Dorian’s mouth drop open when he walked through the cave entrance and shook hands with Bull. I mean… my own jaw dropped but I was quick to shut it so maybe no one saw. And then the guy came over to me, practically prowling, and picked up my hand and kissed the air over it and I felt my entire face heat up because... what?!

“Everett Hold, my lady. But you of course, may call me Rett.” He smiled up over my hand, through some criminally thick lashes. 

Bull was smirking behind his shoulder and I wondered if he had set this up. “A ‘bit of a flirt’?” I asked, giving him a pointed look.

Bull just chuckled and Everett… Rett? Raised his eyebrows and grinned. “I see my reputation precedes me. All good things I hope.”

He was still holding my hand. I flushed and snatched it back. Was it too late to ask for someone else? “Um, hungry?” 

Rett smirked and straightened slowly. “Ravenous.” 

Okay… bad choice of words. My face was flaming. “N- not that- Ugh. Nothing inappropriate around kids.” 

He paused. “Kids?” 

“Yeah.” I said quickly, eager for a subject change. “I have four kids, three of them with me.” 

He blinked and looked me over and then raised an eyebrow. “You started young and bear it fantastically.” 

It was my turn to blink when it dawned on me. “Oh no- no, they- I adopted them.”

He made an ‘Ah’ sound (though he still looked perplexed) but then gave me a smile that ‘oh my soul’ I was immediately blushing again. “I shall endeavor to behave myself around the children, my lady.” 

This… this was going to be a long trip.

Rett was introduced to the Chargers and seemed to get along well with them, the kids… off balanced him. He was awkward with them but not dismissive or cold towards them. Fair enough. I couldn’t expect a bunch of warriors to know how to handle kids.

We ate supper: a chili I helped Rocky throw together and some corn bread. Rett apparently thought sitting next to me was a must… why? Just… why? Solas did seem to have come out of his grim distance and was giving Rett a tight lipped, flat look that the rogue completely ignored. Bull just seemed amused by the way I would blush every time Rett ‘happened’ to brush his arm against mine. 

Rett kept his word however, and it wasn’t until we were done eating and the kids had passed out in various Charger’s laps, (Meraad in Bull’s of cours.) that he started being more openly flirtatious…

I had stretched and winced from my sore muscles from sparring and he immediately offered a massage, saying he was ‘good with his fingers’. I had gaped at him at that, and blushed while I shook my head, because… really? And that was just the first...

All in all, I ended up too flustered to really talk and kind of wanting to escape to cool myself off because I did not know how to handle this. I scooped Garth up out of Dalish’s lap and headed for my tent, and… Rett started to follow me. Perfectly casually. Bull and Krem followed with the other two kids, bless them, and as always, stopped at the line. Rett glanced at them and then down, and then stopped so suddenly he went up on his toes to avoid crossing the line. 

He glanced from the line and to me with a wary look even as Bull asked quietly. “Is it okay if I come over to drop Meraad off?” 

I nodded, and bit the inside of my cheek before asking. “Could you grab Kalin too?” Because I also wanted to talk to him without a certain rogue (who was fast reminding me of Zevran’s persona) right there. 

Krem didn’t wait for Bull to answer and just handed Kalin over to him before slapping Rett’s shoulder. “Come on, I'll show you where you can put your bedroll.”

Bull followed next but stayed outside the tent while I laid Garth down and then passed Meraad and Kalin in turn. Once they were all put down I stepped back out and went over to sit on the rock close by. “So… ‘little’ bit of a flirt? I think you and I have differences of opinion on ‘little’.” I laughed quietly, crossing my arms.

“To be honest, he didn’t lay it on as thick with the other one.” Bull said thoughtfully. 

I shook my head and ran my hands over my face. “He keeps it up, I just might be permanently red by the end of this.”

Bull chuckled and leaned against the wall behind him. “You didn’t dislike it though.”

“I-” I flushed and then shrank down. “I- no? Yes? I mean…” I groaned. “I’m married for goodness sake!”

“Um. Not… really.” I looked at him and he shrugged. “It’s just a piece of paper… there was nothing behind it. You’re a free woman, Rae. No one’s gonna think anything less of you.”

I looked down at my hands… and shook my head. “Ugh, I just met the man… he’s not even my type.” (He totally was my type.)

Bull actually almost bellowed a laugh at that. “Oh, he is totally your type.”

Crap. “What? just because he’s… he’s…?”

“Cute?” Bull asked with a teasing smile. “Playboy? Confident?”

“I…” That was exactly my type. “But…”

“You think he’s pretty, he’s willing, he might help you with some of that tension you keep bottled up.” I gaped at him and he held up his hands with a grin. “I’m just throwing it out there that you got options.”

Wait- he… “You’re not… so why are you so growly and glaring at Solas all the time? If it’s not…?” I made a vague gesture with my hand.

His face fell into a serious expression. “Ah. Yeah, that’s… a ‘him in particular’ thing. I… watched him kill the other Rae. That kind of thing sticks in your head.” He looked away and inhaled before continuing. “Besides, he can’t separate you two, you’d be held to a standard that isn’t fair to either party.” He shrugged, “I got my issues with him. That’s all.”

I frowned down at my hands. On one hand I understood, on the other it hurt to think that they probably would never move past their differences like they had in the game, a death of a friend was not something easily moved past. Especially when they both blamed one of them. 

Bull sighed and pushed off of the wall when I looked back up at him. “If you have the chance to be happy with someone you should take it, Sunshine. That’s all I was trying to say.” He gave me a slightly crooked smile. “Besides, it does you good to get flustered every once in a while.”

I punched him sharply on the arm and he laughed. We said our good nights and I watched him cross back over to their side of the line. I stretched and crawled into the tent with the kids to lay down and stared up at the canvas. 

Somehow, I always felt better after talking with Bull, whether that was because of his training as Ben hassrath or that he was fast becoming a good friend I didn’t know. I wondered how close we would have been if he hadn't purposely tried to scare me.

He was right though… Rett was totally my type… not that I ever had a chance to date anyone like that, just… that type of person is the kind I crush on. It was strange to actually be the person being flirted with, Haley usually acted as a buffer for that when we went out… hence the blushing. 

I threw my arm over my eyes and sighed. I would have to deal with… that the whole way to the Fallow Mire. 

This was going to be a long trip.


	33. Chapter 33

I was correct. It was a long trip.

The first morning was difficult, breaking down the tents and packing up took a while, we had basically been living in the cave for a good month, using it as a base of operations of sorts, so it was almost like moving out of a home. Strange to think I had started to consider a cave a home. But then again what was Home? Without the people I cared for a house would have just been a building. And really… the Chargers… the kids. They were all like a family. A weird, glued together family with issues. And with knives. Really, what was with all of the knives? Did we really need all of these knives?

I may have iced Skinner’s feet to the ground when I caught her using my paring knife to whittle.

So yeah... Maybe we did need all of these knives. 

Anyway, after things were finally packed up and we were ready to move, I startled at the sound of Garth shouting… “It’s my turn to ride with Bull!”

I looked up just in time to see Meraad set her jaw and shake her head then jerk a thumb at her chest. 

“You got to ride with him last time!” Garth glared and… Meraad suddenly stomped her foot and then let out a tea kettle shriek. 

I clapped my hands sharply and both kids suddenly fell completely silent and stared at me with wide eyes. “Since you two are fighting like… hooligans, I say it is Kalin’s turn. And it will continue to be Kalin’s turn until you two can figure out who goes next, nicely.” 

They both dropped their heads but were still shooting glares at each other. So we had grumpy, pouting kids the first day of travel. Every parent's dream. 

Rett volunteered to ‘help with my riding’. That was a whole new trial. There are so, so many ways to make ‘riding’ sound dirty yet innocent enough to fly over a kid’s head.

I didn’t… dislike Rett. Not at all. He was charming and cute and attentive and it was… it was flattering really. But it was also embarrassing, especially when I squeaked for a whole different reason when his hand went out to balance me back or just…. hovered, not touching, but I could feel the heat of it through my shirt. Then he would smirk and wink at me, because of course he knew what effect it was having. By the end of each day my face felt achy from how often I was blushing, especially because if I smiled at him I would see Bull give me a thumbs up from behind Rett’s shoulder and it made me blush worse. Was it weird that Bull was trying to be my wingman? The answer to that question is: yes, yes it was. 

Then there was training… he volunteered to help me train. ‘Sparring’ could also be twisted many, many ways… I was certain I was permanently red. (And a little giggly to my utter mortification.) but for all his teasing he was respectful… mostly. “My lady’ and ‘madams’ falling with either perfect crispness or a near purr depending on circumstance. 

Rett followed the rules and respected my line when we would set up camp. The kids were alright with him for the first couple days. Kalin was fascinated with his bow (it had beautifully carved vines and flowers on it and actually looked like something that belonged in a museum, and not something you’d actually use) Garth treated him about the same as the other Chargers. But Meraad… I found her glaring at him one morning, for no apparent reason, just glaring. The poor man looked so uncomfortable… it was actually kinda funny. 

Except then the next morning, Garth was glaring at him too. Both children gripping their breakfast bowls and fixing him with identical, scathing glares, their little jaws tight with anger. 

Rett had gone past uncomfortable and was now actually glancing between them and me with a worried expression. I raised an eyebrow at him and he made a helpless gesture before turning to Garth with a hesitant. “Have I done something to offend?” 

Garth sullenly jabbed his spoon into his bowl. “No.” 

Meraad made a disagreeing noise in her throat before setting down her bowl and getting up to run over to where Bull was talking to Krem about the horses and pressed against his leg. Bull bent and picked her up without missing a beat in his conversation with Krem.

I frowned and looked back to Garth who just stared at his bowl grumpily. 

Rett looked at a loss and gave me a look of confusion. “I only asked how their morning was.”

“Garth, what’s wrong?”

Garth shot a glare at Rett that clearly meant ‘he is what’s wrong’ but muttered a ‘nothing’. 

“Different, changing, doesn’t know the right colors or how to make her smile right. That’s his spot.” Cole offered quietly. “Two sides but only one stays.” 

I wasn’t exactly sure what to do… his spot? Garth's spot? Was he jealous of Rett sitting by me? But two sides? I looked between Garth and Rett and tried to put together what he was thinking but… in the end I decided to try something else. “You want to ride with me this morning?” 

I was getting better at riding. I could actually hold Sage, guide the horse, and practice my magic at the same time, it was… encouraging. Dorian took great delight in smugly pointing out my progress to Bull. Bull just shrugged good naturedly and said that just because it was the only way he knew didn’t mean it was the best way. Garth could probably ride with me now without too much danger of falling.

Garth gave Rett a dark look and nodded. “Yes, please.” 

That was suspiciously polite…

But I really didn’t have time to sit down and talk to him because Bull was calling out the order to start breaking camp and then tossing Meraad in the air before handing her to Krem.

Rett rode beside me but was thankfully more reserved with Garth sitting in front of me. I noticed that Garth and Meraad weren’t the only ones shooting Rett distrustful glances. Solas was too when he thought I wasn’t looking. 

It was… unsettling and that night I decided to pull Solas aside and talk to him, I asked him over to the rock we used as the neutral zone instead of unpacking the table… because if we were heading out first thing it was kinda pointless to unload a table then load it right back up. 

“How are you doing?” I asked quietly so no one could hear.

Solas gave me a slightly strained smile but he looked like he was trying. “As well as can be expected, I’m afraid.” Well, at least he was being honest. “You wanted something?” 

I nodded and leaned against the rock, crossing my arms, “What are your thoughts on Rett?” Solas immediately stiffened, which was cause for concern and I frowned when he remained quiet. “Has he done anything? Said anything? Have you seen something in his dreams? If there is a problem, I really need to know.”

He shook his head. “There is… no problem as to loyalty. The man… he is polite enough, but...” He winced slightly and looked away before answering carefully. “It… is simply that he is not… worthy of your attention.” 

I felt a flash of irritation. “I think I get to be the judge of that.” 

He immediately looked guilty. “Ir abelas. I did not mean to imply…” he sighed. “Of course you do, I just do not know the man as well as I do the others… where I trust them, he has not earned that and it is difficult. Forgive me.” 

That… was fair enough. “So why do Garth and Meraad keep trying to cut him with their eyes?” 

He relaxed slightly, looking a bit relieved. “Ah, I believe it has to do with the fact that Bull has been keeping his distance since Holt joined us.” 

“What?” But yet, that made sense. Bull hadn’t been sitting next to me at the meals anymore and he had stopped riding next to me. 

“Bull has… become a bit of a parental figure to them, and his distance might be troubling them.” He said softly. “I think they just need… reassurance?” 

“I can do that. Thank you.” I smiled and then on a whim. “Would you like to sit in on the reading lesson tonight?”

It looked like he was about to accept but then he paused and then shook his head. “No, thank you, though.” He said goodnight and moved off to go into his tent, leaving me frowning after him. Grieving was good and healthy but… he shouldn’t wallow in it. And I mentally made a mental note to try and include him more now to try and help draw him out of it.

The next morning I pointedly invited Bull over to the neutral ground and told him Solas’ theory, and then called the kids over so he could reassure them that he was not going to be leaving them. They did seem to calm down a little after that, only shooting Rett glares if he got between Bull and me. Rett seemed to pick up on it and just moved to the other side, which they were fine with. The trip to the edge of the Fallow Mire passed and we met up with Harding and got ready to dive into the Mire itself.

Leaving the kids behind was… hard. Kalin looked resigned to staying with Krem and half of the Chargers at the border camp, but Garth and Meraad both looked terrified. 

“Are you coming back?” Garth asked quietly.

“I am, sweetheart. I’m not leaving you forever. I just have to go do some stuff and I don’t want you to get sick.” I hugged them both and kissed their heads. 

“What if you get sick?” Garth's lip was trembling and it broke my heart. 

“I’m going to be careful.” I said lamely. 

“I know how to make medicine for it, da’len.” Solas interjected from a few paces away. “But the medicine is not safe for children. So you must stay here.” 

Garth looked hurt but just ducked his head and nodded before putting an arm around Meraad. “Yes, sir.” 

I frowned and looked back at Solas who looked concerned before he noticed me looking at him and stepped back with a closed expression. That… I tried to think of when I last saw him with them, Kalin sat by him all of the time to color but… Garth and Meraad hadn’t and they used to adore Solas… he took care of them and now I couldn’t remember the last time he had wrapped Meraad’s feet for her. She had been wearing boots…

I suddenly remembered his words about their fear with Bull and I suddenly realized why… He was distancing. He was stepping back because I knew the truth and the kids were probably thinking he was leaving them which was why they were worried about Bull. Did he think I wouldn’t approve of him being near the kids? 

“My lady, we are ready to set out when you are.” Rett said before I could think of what to say to the kids and Solas. 

I kissed their heads again and stepped back, making a mental note to talk to Solas about maybe taking some time to talk with them or something when we got back. “Be good, I'll be back before you know it.” I didn’t cry until we were out of sight of the camp. 

But I did cry. This was… the first time I had been separated from them since… the trip to Val Royeaux and I did not want to think about that right now, but I missed them already. 

The Fallow Mire… I hated it more than I did in the game. The whole place was just… dark. Solas said it was the influence of the many spirits drawn here and pressed against the Veil. I felt a little sorry for them, but then it was hard to feel sorry for spirits that willingly possessed corpses.

It was dark, and damp, and haunted, and stank, and I hated it.

Unlike the game, the Fallow Mire was massive and a typical swamp. The mud and gunk you had to wade through seriously cut down on your movement, not to mention randomly running into a shambling pack of zombies… okay, not quite zombies, but it was easier to think of them as zombies. Just less bitey. And thankfully slow, very slow. Probably because of the deteriorated muscle mass… because, you know… dead person in a swamp. Accelerated decomposer… Ugh. I watched too much Criminal Minds.

At least there weren’t any native venomous snakes because that might have been the last straw if I had to watch out for water moccasins as well as zombies. Apparently dragons and related reptiles had filled that evolutionary niche. Hmm… bright side or dark side? No venomous snakes, but… dragons… Ugh.

It took way, way too long to get through the veil fire runes and other various things that had to be done on the way to the stronghold (four, long, wet, mucky days) and by the time we stopped at the very last shanty cabin to camp before heading on to the fortress I was grumpy, tense, irritable, and we hadn’t run into Amund Skywatcher yet, or any other Avvar, which was worrisome, (or a blessing depending on how you looked at it) and-

“So help me Dorian, if you complain about mud on your shoes one more time I am going to dump it on your head.” I seethed as I dropped an armload of wood for a fire. I wanted out of here. I wanted my kids. I missed the Storm Coast. That’s how bad it sucked here. 

Dorian paused, looking taken aback, and then sniffed haughtily. “There's no need to take your tension out on me, dove. Not when Rett is standing right there.” 

Rett winked at me. “I am excellent at relieving tension.” 

Somehow… even through my irritability, he still got me to flush. Ugh. “If you haven’t noticed, we are all covered in mud, gunk and heavens knows what else. Not exactly the kind of thing that puts a girl in a good mood.” 

“I can conjure some clean water, if you ask nicely.” Dorian teased.

“Please.” I bit out quickly. A bath sounded heavenly. 

Bull huffed and started working on clearing out the shanty, “That tower over there offers some privacy… you can get a bucket and clean rag, don’t think we can find a tub.”

“Better than nothing.” I said in relief. 

Dorian was a dear, conjured and heated the water for me after I found a bucket and scoured it. The tower wasn’t far and could barely be called a tower, most of it had fallen long ago and all that was left was the bottom part about a story high. But it did afford privacy, and was thankfully vacant of creepy crawlies. 

I dunked my head into the bucked first to get what I could out of my hair (never thought I’d be happy about having short hair but yeah… here it was actually practical.)… and then scrubbed as best I could with the rag. By the time I was done the water in the bucket had taken on an opaque hue… ew. But at least I felt cleaner. I sighed and put on my clean set of clothes… really my last set of clean clothes. I hadn’t been able to wash the others yet and didn’t trust the water here. 

I grabbed the bucket and came out of the tower and nearly jumped out of my skin at the sight of Rett leaning against a tree, his back towards the tower. I took a moment to calm my heart before asking. “What are you doing?”

Rett turned his head and smiled before he pushed off the tree to turn and give a flourish and teasing bow. “I was appointed your guard, my lady.”

I rolled my eyes and was very proud of myself for not blushing this time as I dumped the bucket out, someone else might want to use it to wash. “Bull send you?” He probably did, it was like Haley trying to set me up with her cousin all over again… only this time the Cousin was actually hot and my type. 

“I volunteered.” He said with an easy shrug and a charming smile. “You have been rather tense, my lady, and I am more than willing to aid in any way I can.” He accompanied the words with extending his hand towards me, palm up, as if asking for my hand. 

I looked at him and narrowed my eyes. “You’re teasing me again?” He was always teasing, had been since we left the Storm Coast. He couldn’t possibly actually… not with me. Teasing was one thing, but actually wanting... He was just teasing, right?

“If teasing is what you want, but I do prefer actions.” He said simply yet somehow managed to still purr out the words. A distant, half hysterical part of my mind mused that he could make a killing selling audiobooks on earth. 

Oh… I felt my face heat up again as another blush spread, that wasn’t… I didn’t actually think he… He did?!

Rett took a small step forward and spoke quietly. “If you do not desire this, say the word and I will step back. It is only fun if it is pleasurable for both involved.” He smiled and it was open, assuring, yet at the same time it was… heated. God, those lashes…

I swallowed… I wasn’t a virgin but I wasn’t exactly experienced either. I felt my stomach flip in nervous interest but… I decided to be reckless… just this once… “I- yes? But… it’s… been a while, I’m not really… good? But yes, I think...” I managed to stammer out and then blushed, because really!? Hardly the sultry acceptance. 

But he just offered me his hand again with a smile. “A slow dance is just as pleasant, my lady. We can learn the steps together.” 

How was he so smooth?! I slowly took his hand and had to remind myself to breathe. “Rae.”

He very slowly and carefully stepped in to close the space between us and he bent to murmur directly in my ear, his breath brushing over it and making me shiver. “Rae.” 

It was strange… yet freeing to let him just guide us back against the wall of the tower and his mouth was warm and soft when he bent to kiss me and…god, he was a very good kisser. Within minutes he had me nearly panting into his mouth as his hands rubbed gentle circles over my back and sides through my clothes… they never stopped moving and caressing as he kissed me.

One of his hands carefully, slowly enough for me to protest if I wanted (I didn't want to protest), slipped under the hem of my shirt and his fingers traced over the skin of my waist and then suddenly, jarringly sudden, he tensed and stilled with a quiet curse. 

“What-?” I started to ask, concerned at the sudden change of mood.

“Don’t move or he’s dead, Lowlander.” A deep voice growled from behind Rett’s head. 

Oh crap. 


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Don’t move or he’s dead, Lowlander.” A deep voice growled from behind Rett’s head.   
> Oh crap.

The elusive Avvar. 

With really bad timing.

And swords. One pointed directly at Rett’s neck threateningly.

“Well, this is embarrassing.” Rett muttered as he raised his hands away from my waist slowly. The Avvar with the sword at his neck grabbed him by the back of the armor and pulled him back away from me and I could see Rett’s eyes darting around as if counting before he slumped slightly. “Forgive me, my lady. Do not fight.” 

I glanced around and we were completely surrounded… I would have been blushing in embarrassment if it weren’t for the fact I could count at least three arrows trained on me. I raised my hands slowly like Rett had and wondered if Bull would notice- except he was probably trying to give me ‘privacy’...

“Do not scream.” An Avvar woman said firmly as she walked over and turned me around and roughly began tieing my hands behind my back. When she was done and I was turned back, Rett was similarly tied and I felt my stomach drop as I realized that… we were in a lot of trouble and by the time the others noticed I would be long gone. 

That thought only had just ran through my mind when a rag was shoved in my face. “Open.” I really wasn’t in the position to argue and the rag was shoved unceremoniously into my mouth. Then I was literally tossed over one of the giant’s shoulders… I really felt like Merry or Pippin getting spirited away by Sarumon’s orcs… at least Rett was still alive though. No death for Boramir. Was I hysterical and my mind grasping for something to try and keep from freaking out? Yes.

(Did that make Solas Legolas and Dorian Aragorn? ‘What do your elf eyes see?’)

…

(Bull was totally Gimli. ‘I will not be bested by an Elf.’)

Crap. Focus. Don't giggle while being kidnapped. Too late, I was giggling, thankfully though the gag muffled it and it probably sounded like I was crying. Totally a more appropriate response to what was happening.

It didn’t take long before the swamp gave way to walls… fortress walls. Oh crap. It was only a few short flights up some stairs before I was dumped like a feed sack to the ground. Right at the feet of… you guessed it ‘Hand of Korth’. He was huge…. Bull huge. 

He sat down on the steps behind him and leaned forward. I froze as his hand moved toward my face… but he just pulled the gag from my mouth. 

I moved my tongue around to get rid of the dry feeling. He didn’t say anything and was just… looking at me. Uh… “Morvansen?” I asked tentatively, carefully moving to sit up.

He tilted his head in a nod, “You know of me?” Okay, he was definitely more willing to talk than in game. I nodded and he frowned. “My people say you lead a group, steadily closer. Why are you here?”

Uhhh… “Your… people kidnapped me?” I said awkwardly glancing back. “Horrible timing, really.”

There was a round of chuckles behind me and The woman who had tied me up laughed. “They were caught in the lover’s embrace.”

Okay cue blushing. ”Yes… horrible timing.”

Morvansen actually cracked an amused smile. “You could have waited a few minutes, Horri.”

“Um. No, I’m glad they interrupted instead of watching.” I blurted out and felt myself turn crimson. 

Morvansen threw back his head and laughed before looking at me with a mirthful expression. “What are you and your people doing in a swamp?” 

Okay it had gone… kinda great so far so… “I came to negotiate.”

Instantly his smile fell… okay, too soon. “Inquisition?” I nodded and he leaned forward, suddenly menacing. “Where is your Herald, little one?” 

Right… because he wanted to kill him and that was the whole reason for capturing the scouts… “He…” I paused, none of the reports from the council had mentioned him once. “I honestly don’t know? Or care.” Ah, shoot, shouldn’t have said that out loud. “Probably still on crutches?” I winced, probably shouldn’t have said THAT either. “But you still have the Inquisition’s people and I don’t want to leave them in a swamp.” 

Morvansen’s eyes narrowed. “He does not care for the well being of his own people enough to face me?” And… that sounded like disgust. 

“Considering I practically had to drag him through the snow at Haven to get stuff done and save people? Yeah… I’d say that’s a safe bet.” I muttered and looked down. At this point, I was already in a hole of trouble. Might as well dig and see if I came out the other side. “Look, I came because I don’t want people to die. I was hoping to talk…” and we hadn’t seen any Avvar so that means we weren’t targeted. “You captured… you didn’t kill, and you had plenty of chances.”

“You were not our quarry.” Morvansen growled. 

I flinched from his angry tone and then slowly spoke, scraping up my courage. As courageous as a tiny cook kneeling on the ground with her hands tied behind her back can be… “The… Herald won’t come. He… his legs are ruined, and his hands, and even though he has the ability to close rifts, he… he won’t care about the people you took. I care about them, though, so I’m here to talk. He wouldn’t be a victory… not killing a cripple.” I paused and took a breath... because really this was insane. “I’ll fight you.”

Morvansen looked at me like I had suddenly sprouted horns. “You?!”

I nodded. “You get to fight someone and only my life is risked… our men walk away no matter the outcome. You win or I win, no one else dies. Everyone walks away.” My heart was pounding in my chest and ears and who had taken over my mouth?! Shut up! 

The giant Avvar man frowned at me for a long time. “You are frightened.”

“Terrified.” I agreed breathlessly. “But… If by my death, if it even saves one life that was otherwise forfeit… it would be worth the loss.” 

“She’s serious!” Rett said from somewhere behind me. “She is the one who came after our former leader for killing Inquisition people. Not the Herald.”

Morvansen frowned and looked off behind me. “Former leader?”

“Ah, she challenged him to mortal combat.” 

Morvansen’s eyes narrowed and he looked at me consideringly for a long time before he opened his mouth… only to be cut off by a plaintive meow that echoed around us, making him freeze. No freakin way!

I twisted my head around to see Sage, pretty as you please, winding her way through the feet of the Avvar warriors, coming right up to me and bumping her head against my arm affectionately as I gawked at her… I left her with the kids! How did she-? She then arched her back up and spat and hissed… at Morvansen. 

He blinked at her and I made a desperate noise in my throat when he reached for her.

“Please don’t hurt her!”

He paused and glanced from me to Sage. “You know it?”

“That’s my cat, Sage.” I nodded frantically and Sage let off hissing at him to come back and rub against my hip. 

Movransen made a deep humming noise, then said something to one of the other Avvar in his language, and they answered back in kind as I probably uselessly tried to shift between Sage and him. 

I was left blinking in surprise as I felt a knife slice through the ropes on my wrists. “There is no honor to be found in a battle between us.” 

That… wow. Not expecting that. “You… are more reasonable than I-“ I clamped my mouth shut because what was I thinking?

Morvansen cocked his head at me. “You had expectations?”

I looked down at where I was rubbing some feeling back into my wrists… yeah… “You’re known as… a…” I trailed off, was I really about to?

“A brat among the Augurs.” Morvansen supplied easily. 

“I was going to say, ‘difficult person to speak to’.” I was totally going to say ‘brat’ but he didn’t need to know that. 

He boomed a laugh. “Aye, ‘redheaded Mother ensures a brat’.” He slapped his knees before he stood and offered me a hand. I hesitantly took it and he pulled me to my feet. “Tis’ late. Night falls. You and your man will share our fire and tomorrow we shall send you, all of you, on your way.”

I was actually angry… angry at David Gaider! Because seriously?! He gave you no way to talk to this guy and avoid the whole bloody thing?! But I didn’t say any of that to Movransen. Instead I checked on Rett, who was being freed and was giving me an incredulous look and I gathered Sage up and hugged her before giving Movransen a weak smile. “Thank you.” That… sounded lame. Really lame. “Um. I’m Rae.” I offered and held out a hand because… introductions?

He smiled and took my hand, completely dwarfing it. “Eirik.” He let go and then gestured to one of the Avvar. “Horri, allow them to see their men.” 

“Thank you!” I said quickly and handed Sage over to Rett to hold while I followed the Avvar woman who led me towards one of the side rooms that was barred closed. She opened it and I sighed in relief at the sight of a handful of scouts, wounded but their bandages were clean and they didn’t look starved

One of them looked up with a glare when we entered but then their face cleared in shock. “It’s the cook!” 

I suddenly recognized him as one of Flissa’s patrons. In fact… I was pretty sure I had seen most of these people in Flissa’s at one time or another.

I was about to say hello when- “The Cook? You can’t keep the Cook!” One of the others said angrily, pushing up to his feet. “You let her go!”

Oh! “Oh, I’m not-“

Several more stood to their feet. “Where’s the big guy? The leader?!”

Oh goodness, inciting a riot was not my intention. I held up my hands pleadingly and surprisingly they quieted down. “It’s okay. I'm good! I'm not a prisoner. Anymore, I mean. I talked to them? We’re all free to go in the morning.” 

They blinked at me and then one of them laughed. “You… talked to them?”

Horri snickered behind me. “Aye, she did. Come, Eirik says you are welcome at the fires for the night.”

They looked between me and the woman with suspicion and I gave them a pleading look. “Please, please, please, do not fight. We are their guests tonight and tomorrow we all go home.” They looked between each other and I decided to try and sweeten the pot. “I’ll make you all cinnamon rolls as soon as I have my stuff back.” 

It worked! And they shuffled out and the man who couldn’t walk was braced as they came out of the room. I followed them out and then nearly flailed when Eirik spoke from behind me. (seriously he was huge, how did I not notice him leaning against the wall next to the door?)

“They respect you.”

I crossed my arms awkwardly and shrugged. “Not really, I’m just… someone who cares, I think. I’m just a cook. Well… was just a cook.” I said with a grimace.

He hummed and then pushed off the wall. “Come, let your men see us conversing as friends. It will put them to ease.” 

Seriously, the man had been reduced to a howling maniac in the game. It was just… so wrong. I nodded and followed him out to the fires where some of the Avvar were cooking. They had one of those hippo looking things on a spit. I sat down where Eirik indicated and smiled slightly at Rett when he moved to my other side and handed Sage back to me. 

One of the scouts… what was his name? John? Jim? James? Something ‘j’, spoke up. “How’s your girl?”

“Oh, she’s doing good! She can write her own name now and is learning daggers. I have two more kids now, Garth and Kalin.” I said, eager to talk about them. 

‘J-somthing’ smiled and pulled something from his pocket, it was a small painted rock that looked like a flower. “I was meaning to give this to her when we got back. Is that alright?”

“You can give it to her when we regroup.” I assured him a little touched by the thoughtful gift. “I left the kids with half of the Chargers at the edge of the Mire when I came after y’all.” 

He frowned. “You brought them out here?”

“I left them outside the mire.” I said. “I… things got complicated and I’m travelling with the Chargers now, so of course I brought my kids with me.” I lifted Sage with a half smile. “My cat too.” 

He nodded, though he still looked confused but I was not about to lay out the whole thing in front of the Avvar, so I just launched into a description of Garth and Kalin, how we found them and what they were up to, favorite colors, best drawings, basically everything. Eirik was watching me with a considering eye and then turned and said something in Almarri to someone behind us. 

One of the Avvar handed me a mug and one sniff was enough to know it was an ale of some sort. I took a sip to be polite but… yeah that burned. I set it down with a wince then looked at Eirik, who was watching me with an amused expression.

“You are a mother to many not your blood, you are a leader, and you are a cook.” He said as if it was a resume. 

I nodded hesitantly. “I’ve adopted four kids. The oldest calls himself Cookson because I’m… the cook. He stayed behind to… cook.” I skipped over the leader bit because I still didn’t like that bit. He nodded as if pleased and then drained his drink. 

Someone put a plate in front of me… the hippo thing… I took a bite of that too to be polite, and was actually surprised, it tasted about like pork. Smokey and well salted but not much else. Well, dry… it was dry. I had to suffer another sip of the ale to wash it down. But, I wasn’t going to say anything. It was nice of them to feed us.

One of the Avvar ran in from outdoors and murmured something to Eirik, who huffed a laugh. “Ah, it seems your people have come after you.”

Oh crap! I jumped up. “Please let me just… call them off? Please?” Crap crap, I had no clue how crazy they might be to try and… well if they fought him the last time, and they might know exactly how to get in. 

He stood and shrugged easily. “Of course.” 

I felt my shoulders slump in relief and turned and started heading for the gates. Because if they…. Yup they were just entering the courtyard when I got to the top of the stairs. Weapons out looking for a fight, magic crackling. Wow, they were terrifying! 

“STOP! Stop! Stop!” I yelled, waving my arms to get their attention before anyone started swinging or flinging magic. “I’m fine! We’re good! Do not kill anyone!”

Bull, thank goodness, stopped on the first shout of ‘stop’ as if he had been frozen in place, but Solas kept coming until Sage plopped her furry butt down on the path in front of me and meowed. And then he stopped. I frowned down at her. Somehow… I was getting the impression that she might not be a normal cat. 

Dorian was the first to speak, his fingers tight on his staff. “Dove, would you care to explain what’s going on?”

“Um. I got kidnapped, we talked, Eirik agreed to let us and the scouts go? We were going to head back in the morning.” I tried to summarize, still eyeing Solas’ staff warily. “Umm… y’all hungry? They have roasted… something and Ale… I think it’s ale. Please don’t kill anyone.”

Bull suddenly started snickering, snickering that quickly devolved into full body laughter that had him sitting on the ground, leaning on his ax handle. “You- Y-you- you get kidnapped and- and you’re- y-you’re eating-” He dissolved into laughter and I grimaced and glanced at Dorian. 

“Is he okay?”

“He was a bit stressed when you didnt’ come back at the expected time and then we couldn’t find you.” Dorian said, and with a glance at Eirik beside me, put his staff up. “So, this is Eirik I assume? Dorian of house Pavus.” 

Eirik looked at me and nodded as if to himself before offering his hand to Dorian. “Eirik Morvansen.”

Solas looked at me and then back at Eirik. “Hand of Korth?” 

Eirik shrugged. “Your Herald is not here. There is no more point to it.”

Solas made a little ‘ah’ sound in the back of his throat but, thank goodness, relaxed slightly. 

“Trevelyan isn’t coming, we talked, everything is good now.” I said hopefully. “Um the Scouts are all safe and we’ve been invited to eat with them.” I looked at Bull who was still sitting with his head in his hands… laughing. “Are y’all okay with that?”

“Yeah, Sunshine.” Bull managed to wheeze. “I- I gotta ask- did you cook for them?”

“Umm, no… but sorely tempted?” He was really starting to worry me. “Maybe in the morning? Breakfast?”

That just set him off all over again. He was laughing so hard he was crying and I gave Eirik an awkward smile. “Um… he needs a minute.”

Eirik huffed and then swept his arm in invitation. “Come, check on your men and eat.” Then he turned… presenting them his back and walked up the stairs back towards the fires. 

I looked back at them and shifted awkwardly on my feet. Bull was giggling hysterically, Dorian was outright gawking and Solas… Solas was giving me a strange look. 

“I’m sorry guys. They had a sword at Rett’s neck and if I had screamed well… and then we were brought here and we talked and now everything’s good… right?”

Dorian shut his mouth with a sniff. “You make interesting friends, Dove.” 

Bull finally seemed to get a hold of himself enough to push himself off the ground and then I got them to follow me up the stairs. I introduced them to Horri (really the only Avvar I know their name except for Eirik) then shoved plates in their hands because if they were eating they couldn’t fight, right? Solas still looked tense, glancing around like he expected a ploy. 

I went back over and sat next to Eirik again as they checked on and talked to the scouts. After a while Eirik and I fell into conversation and, really, this guy was sooo undersold in the game.

His big crime? The one that made his father name him a brat and not mourn his death? Yeah, he told his dad ‘no’ on travelling north and attacking Tevinter outposts. He said it was a never ending war with no winners just lives thrown away. So he got named a Tevinter sympathiser, gathered up the warriors that didn’t want to leave their homes to go fight, and… here we were. His father had called him a coward and the whole ‘Hand of Korth’ thing was a bid to overcome the insult without going to war, but it was a useless gesture now that a one on one duel was out of the question. 

So that’s how my first (second? Did Bull’s interrupted kidnapping attempt count?) ever (hopefully last ever) kidnapping ended. We talked and ate and I drank a little more of the ale… which now looking back was a terrible idea, because one more sip turned into finishing the mug and then another was shoved into my hands and my tastebuds were already dead so why not? And the last thing I remembered… well remembered is a strong word, let’s say my last impression before assumably passing out was Maroon 5’s “Sugar” 

  
  
  



	35. Chapter 35

My mouth was dry but surprisingly my head wasn’t pounding. I was curled into something big and warm so I snuggled closer when a large hand started rubbing circles into my back. I honestly thought it was Bull. But then I felt… fur? That was fur. Bull didn’t wear fur… or a shirt. I blinked my eyes open and, yup, that was fur. Not Sage’s fur either. I could feel her purring against my back. 

Oh crap. 

I glanced up… to find Eirik looking at me with an amused expression. “Good morn, Rae.”

Double crap. 

His smile faded and his hand stilled instantly. “Not ‘ere happened, you fell into your cups. You propositioned but I would not lay with someone not in their own mind.” 

Oh god. 

“I… I’m sorry.” I winced and sat up, did I crawl into bed with him too? Did what happened with Rett get me that worked up? “I didn’t mean… to make you uncomfortable, sorry.”

He gave me another easy shrug. "I was not uncomfortable, simply unwilling to take advantage of your state." He paused, then added. "You do not bear the cold well."

I flushed. He was warm and I would bet I had been using him as a heater and, crap, this was embarrassing. “Um no, I don’t. Uhh, I didn’t attack you or anything, did I? I mean other than…? yeah.” Ugh why was I so awkward? 

He laughed and sat up, "No. Simply sang a song from your homeland, sat in my lap and declared me warmer than Bull, and 'pretty in a rustic way'." He was grinning good naturedly. 

I groaned and dropped my head in my hands… so basically I kidnapped him as an unwilling bed partner. Perfect. “I’m sorry.” 

He laughed and leaned forward to whisper in my ear. “I was not opposed to your attentions.” I shivered involuntarily at the sensation of his beard on my skin (surprisingly soft and not coarse or scratchy) and was surprised to see the interest in his eyes when I looked at him. “If you have interest when your head is your own, I would welcome it.” 

Oh… oh! I flushed and mentally flailed because this was the second attractive guy that had been interested in me in as many days and… “Why?”

“You are pretty in a lowlander way.” He said with a slight smirk that meant he was teasing me. Then he reached up and traced the side of my face with his fingers, which were callus rough. “And you are softer than most. It is… delightful, I believe the word is.” 

Part of me wanted to lean into his hand and part of me- Okay, I was leaning into his hand. It felt… nice. Gentle and warm despite being big enough to cover the side of my face. “I’m-“ I cut myself off from repeating the same floundering acceptance I had given Rett, because really… I wanted to be touched… held. And he had already proved he wasn’t… a bad guy. “Okay.”

He smiled, wide and genuine, and then his hands went to my waist and he was pulling me onto his lap, gentle, but still, wow. Strong. Okay. My heart was racing and I didn’t know what to do with my hands so I put them on his chest and then he was leaning down and very, very carefully kissing me like I was fragile, and maybe I was, but this was nice. I wasn’t used to the beard and there was a bit of giggling as I got tickled and we figured out how to kiss each other, but that seemed to be okay, judging by his good natured chuckles. 

He pulled me closer to him and one hand splayed over my lower back and the other stayed on my cheek, guiding our kiss easily and I melted into it, just let him direct it. He knew what he was doing and it felt good. I liked the feel of his chest under the furs and started petting it, enjoying the softness. 

His hand slid to the back of my head, his fingers catching in the short strands, and I stilled, but then forced myself to relax. It was fine. I was fine. But then he huffed a rough, approving breath. “Soft as a kitten.” 

The word made my racing heart skip and then race for a different reason, his fingers were in my hair and I was trapped, I couldn’t get away, he was holding me and I was just small- Kitten and- I bit back a cry when he suddenly lifted me and I clenched my eyes shut and lifted my arms over my head uselessly, even as a voice in my head that sounded like Skinner’s told me to strike but-

He set me on the bed furs and I gasped a frantic, meaningless sound, but then his hands were gone and I heard him speak softly. “Rae, I will not harm you.”

My heart was racing despite mentally cursing myself I wasn’t… wasn’t there. This wasn’t… wasn’t Maxwell. This- he- I pulled my arms down and crossed them over my chest. Oh god, I couldn’t… I forced my eyes open to look at Eirik to see him sitting with his hands away from himself, and looking at me with a concerned expression. “I- I’m… I can’t… I’m sorry.” His expression darkened and I felt a spike of fear that he- “Please, I can’t.”

“There is no need for apologies.” His voice was as quiet as a man that massive could make it. “Someone has hurt you, but I will not be one of them.”

Wait. I looked at him in disbelief. He- he wasn’t-? “You’re not… angry?”

“Aye, but not at you, ‘tis your right.” He said quietly and moved carefully, deliberately slow, to stand and then grab a water skin from a pack propped against the wall, then turned and offered it to me.

I took it carefully and uncapped it, taking a small sip of the cool water before handing it back. I felt... guilty. I had agreed, we were… and then-  _ Kitten. _ I shuddered at the thought and- “I… am sorry. I… liked it and then it… that word…” I scrubbed at the back of my head to try and erase the phantom sensation of rough fingers grabbing my hair and looked away. I felt like I owed him an explanation but it was hard to put into words.

“I knew a woman who was hurt in such a way.” He said evenly. “She told me that every ‘no’ that was heeded was as a healing salve to the heart’s wound. Let this be such a time, Rae.” 

He-? I- I don’t know why those words… from him of all people… those words seemed to break through a dam in my chest. And… I cried. I thought I had cried enough to not ever have to cry again but here I was sobbing on his bed furs because… he cared enough to stop.

“Do you wish for comfort or for me to leave?” He asked, and it was sobering and unbelievable that he was still offering me a choice. I had been heading here to… to kill him and instead we had talked… we almost… I almost slept with him and he was giving me choices and being sweet and- oh god, I was going to kill this man! 

I broke out sobbing harder for the whole new emotions and guilt, but I must have nodded or something because then he was gently pulling me to him, though I could just tell that I could wiggle out at any moment. And he had been so kind and understanding and oh god I almost killed him… I did kill him dozens of times in the game. “I’m sorry.” I cried into his shoulder and he just… held me. Offered comfort and just held me. Which of course only made me cry even more. 

I don’t know how long I cried but I had finally reached the exhausted hiccuping breathing stage when the door flew open violently and I just reacted… a barrier immediately flying up between me and whoever had just… Bull. That was Bull. My mind supplied in confusion.

He was paused mid-step past the door, a knife in his hands, and his eye flicked over me and Eirik before he very quietly asked, “You alright there, Sunshine?” 

Was I-? Oh. Oh! My mind suddenly supplied what this could look like and that was why Bull had a knife. 

I lifted my face from Eirik’s chest and nodded, swiping at my eyes with the back of my wrist. “Y-yeah. Really.” I gave him a watery smile. 

Bull glanced from me and back to Eirik and Eirik’s arms loosened pointedly. “She wished for comfort. I did not take more.” 

I nodded to confirm his words. “He was only… he didn’t do anything.” I wasn’t quite comfortable enough to tell him we had made out, though judging by how hot my face was he might have guessed… or maybe my crying might help not make it glaringly obvious. “He’s… nice.” 

Eirik huffed a little at the ‘nice’ bit but I just gave Bull a small smile. “C-can you… um give us a minute? We’ll be out soon okay?”

Bull looked over us again and then nodded and tucked his knife back into his belt. “Alright.” 

I breathed a small sigh of relief when the door closed and I wiped my face with my sleeve and turned, giving Eirik an apologetic look. “Sorry about that.”

Eirik laughed and shook his head. “Do not be, your people care enough to see to your safety.” He let me go and assisted me as I got out of his lap and stood. “Tis a good thing.” 

He stood up too and went over to his pack, pulling out a rag and a jagged bar of soap, “there is a spring, untainted. Should you care to wash.”

“I really, really would.” I gushed. Being clean sounded amazing. He laughed and I followed as he led me out the door, we were further into the ruins of the fortress than had been shown on the game and I glanced around, completely lost and grateful Eirik was leading. 

“This was once my people’s, but time has claimed it.” He explained as we walked and then he turned a corner and I could hear water running before I turned and I was not prepared for the sight of the clear spring fall… or the room of Avvar in various states of undress… right Thedas. This was Thedas, and the presence of soap meant nudity was fine. 

Thedas… was weird.

And wow… I was really small.

It was hard to keep my eyes down because… wow. But I tried… I did. Eirik was smirking at me each time he caught me peeking… in the end I was beet red when I was done washing and dressing and he started to lead us back towards the main fires. But I was clean! I was clean and I didn’t feel as shaky from my… freak out.

“Where are you bound once you leave us?” He asked as we walked. He was pacing himself so I could keep up easily.

“Back to get my kids and then to Stone Bear Hold to meet with Thane Sun Hair.” I said before I thought better of it. 

He nodded. “Sun Hair is wise, you will be well received there.”

“And you?” I asked tentatively. “Where will you go?”

He huffed. “I cannot return to my father’s holdings. The gods have shown themselves against me.” He slowed his pace until we stopped. “I have yet to give it thought.”

I fidgeted as an idea occured to me, but it was a stupid idea-

“You have a thought?” He asked.

“Oh. I just… the Inquisition is having to deal with the rifts, fight the corrupted spirits that get pulled through before they can hurt people until they can get Ma- the Herald out there to seal it.” I said all in a rush, answering out of habit, his question so close to Leliana’s ‘opinion?’. “And it might… be a courageous thing to… help that? Fighting the corrupted spirits to save people, send them back to the fade to be reborn?” 

He considered me thoughtfully. “You would have me seek to regain my honor by aiding the Inquisition?”

“I… yes?” I ventured hesitantly. 

“You do not care for your Herald.”

I winced. “Not… really… No.” I decided honesty was the best course. “I don’t like him… I actually could very well say I hate him. But he’s… necessary though. But the Inquisition is more than him, and it’s trying to help people. I’m trying to help, but I can’t do it on my own.” 

He frowned at me, (but not in a disapproving way, more like he was thinking about something.) then nodded. “Come with me.” He then turned in the very opposite direction we had been going in and I followed… not like I could find my way out without his help anyway.

He led me through a few winding halls then stopped at a half rotten gate that opened to an enclosed wooded area… It looked similar to the garden area at Skyhold, but more run down and overgrown. A series of sharp ‘thunks’ caught my attention and Eirik was leading me directly towards it, though he stopped me before we stepped out of the trees. There was a child in a little cleared area, red braids and dressed in Avvar furs. She was throwing rocks sharply at a shield hung from one of the trees, her face set in a scowl. She looked maybe nine or ten years old.

I looked at Eirik in confusion. “Why are we-?”

Eirik didn’t turn his head as he kept watching the girl. “I want you to take her with you.”

What?! I was very proud of myself for not yelling it and made sure to whisper and still convey my utter shock. “What?”

“She is mine, though I cannot claim her.” Eirik said softly. “Her mother sided with my father and bade me promise not to taint her name with my own.” He sighed and tilted his chin towards the girl, who still hadn’t noticed us. “Her name is Silvi.”

Oh, that was… kind of terrible. “That’s a pretty name.” 

“Her mother fell in a hunt two moons ago. My father would not take her into his house, so I took her with me when I left. but I would not go against my word even so.” 

“I… might be half tempted to deck your father if I ever run into him.” I muttered. The more I heard the worse I felt about… things. Also… Bull had said the other Rae found a child, here. Oh god. My stomach twisted at the implications of that. The other Rae had fought… and… had she found Silvi after killing her people? “Why would you want me to take her? I’m not even…” I pointedly gestured between us. “I’m a ‘lowlander’.”

“Shall I send her to my father’s people to be raised alone only to throw her life away? Or shall I keep her here, among the people she only knows as having taken her from her own people and no other children to keep her company?” He asked quietly. “You are a woman with a true heart; you would care for her as you do you other foundlings.” 

He… “You want me to adopt her?” I looked back at the surly looking child, ‘playing’ alone. “You… are you sure?” I knew I couldn’t make myself refuse even if I wanted to. I think he knew I wouldn’t either.

“Aye. If you take her in as your own, raise her alongside the others you have claimed, I will lead my people to aid the Inquisition.” 

“You don’t… have to try to… pay me. I would-”

“I know. You would help because she needs it, but you spoke truly. My people cannot follow a named coward, and this way we both gain what we need.” He smiled and then turned. “I will bring her over to you before you leave. For now, your people wait.”

I felt a little bad about leaving Silvi by herself, but she just picked up a stone and hurled it at the shield with an angry yell and… now was probably not a good time to talk to her. I followed Eirik through the crumbling halls and back to the main area with the fires. Bull, bless him, was peeling potatoes. 

“Hey.” I smiled and moved to pick up an onion and a knife. “Do we have any more ram meat?”

“There’s some of the meat from the spit last night.” Eirik offered, taking a seat by the fire and ignoring the sharp appraisal of Solas’ eyes. 

I made a little face despite myself but… I couldn’t really waste meat. Maybe mixed into the potatoes and onions with some seasoning it wouldn’t be as dry? Yeah, I could do that. “Yes please.” I gave him a smile and he stood with a nod. 

“I will fetch it.”

I called out a thank you as he moved off and then sat down by Bull to peel, but my mind was still stuck on the kids he said the other Rae had found. “Bull?” He made a humming acknowledgement and I took a breath before asking. “Was the kid in the Fallowmire Avvar… girl, red hair, nine or ten?”

“Silvi?” He confirmed quietly, then at my nod, gave me a concerned look. “She didn’t get ‘stabby’ with you, did she?” 

I raised an eyebrow at him but shook my head. “She didn’t see me. She’s Eirik’s but he can’t acknowledge her without breaking a promise.” I said quietly. “He asked me to take her with us.”

He was quiet for a moment before making a quiet grunting sound in his chest. “That… probably will go better than last time.” 

My stomach twisted. “I- she killed them all didn’t she?”

He nodded with a grim expression. “Found her hiding in a room near the scouts.” 

I closed my eyes and tried not to picture the girl I had seen in the garden cowering in a room, trying to hide from the people who had just killed everyone she knew. “Bull?” 

“Yeah?” He looked at me attentively. 

“I’m glad I got kidnapped.” And I meant it… I would have never thought, never known these people and an innocent child would have been traumatized and orphaned because of it. All that for what? Pride? God, I was going to slap Morvan if he still showed up. 

Bull glanced over the Avvar and then down to the food we were preparing and then sighed. “Yeah. Seems to have worked out better.” 

I felt Sage rub against my legs and bent to pick her up, holding her out away from me so I could see her face and I narrowed my eyes at her. “You. Are. Not. Just. A. Cat.”

Sage blinked slowly at me and meowed.

“Not fooling me. Something’s up with you, kitty cat.” I heard a snicker and looked over to see Solas covering his mouth with one hand and his eyes closed like he was trying not to laugh. I narrowed my eyes at him and held Sage out towards him. “You know what’s up with her.” 

He opened his mouth but didn’t get to explain before Eirik was back and handing the leftover meat to Bull. His hand coming back to pass over Sage’s fur gently. “I have never seen a hold beast so small.” 

Hold-? I looked at Solas and then at Eirik and then… oh my god! Solas gave me a spirit kitty and I didn’t even realize! Of course he would give me a spirit cat! “Where did you get a spirit cat?!” 

Eirik’s head tilted in confusion and he glanced between me and Solas then at Sage. “You did not know?”

I looked at Sage and then at Solas and… he had been very amused by the name I chose and… “Wisdom… she was a spirit of wisdom?” I asked, feeling a little dazed. 

“She is.” Solas confirmed. “I knew she would be safe with you.” 

Wisdom! He gave me… a cat? I looked back at Sa-Wisdom and then at Solas. He had… he knew her fate and took steps to… and then gave her to me. As a cat… Wisdom was safe. Couldn’t be summoned. She… was currently in my arms. Purring and blinking at me innocently… “You are a troll.” I said accusingly, even as I hugged her. “No wonder you got along.”

Eirik was still looking at me in confusion with a hint of concern so I gave him a smile. “No, I didn’t know, but it doesn’t change the way I feel about her and she will have to suffer through the affection.” I punctuated the statement by scratching her ear.

Eirik chuckled at the loud approving purr. “Aye, how will she bear something that tortures her so.” 

Solas smiled and I shook my head at him in exasperation as I set Sa-Wisdom down and set about cooking now that the potatoes were peeled and cut thanks to Bull. Bull… who was glaring at Solas and… oh. Yeah, ‘demon’. 

I put everything into the pan and nudged his arm gently. “Hey… um… she’s alright. Just like Cole but… a cat and less likely to speak thoughts out loud.” 

He humphed but shook his head. “Don’t worry, Sunshine. I’m good.” I guessed having a whole decade before to get used to it helped… a little. He still didn’t look exactly comfortable anymore when S-Wisdom brushed against his leg. 

I added a few of my spices to it to get and meat a little more life. There was enough for us, the scouts and then several of the Avvar. Eirik seemed especially impressed and also ate about as much as Bull. 

It was getting time to head out and Horri came over while I was helping set up a gurney for the scout (Hindle, I later learned on the trip) whose leg was injured. “I have been charged to lead you out.” She said crisply. “When you and your people are ready you will find me by the gate.”

“Oh, thank-“ she was already walking away and I finished awkwardly. “you...” I looked over at Rett who was helping me tether the gurney together. “Did I do something?”

He shook his head and shrugged. 

“Nay, Tis her way.” I turned at the sound of Eirik’s voice to see him standing not far… A scowling Silvi stood in front of him with a pack on one shoulder and his hand on the other as if he was keeping her from running off. “This is Silvi.” He said as if I didn’t know but then again Silvi didn’t know we had already talked. “I charge you with her care.”

“Hello, Silvi. I’m Rae.” I smiled at her.

She glared at me and then glared back at Eirik and said something in sharp Alamarri. Eirik replied in a gentler tone, but still pushed her towards me… and maybe it was me but I thought I saw a fleeting look of pain on Eirik’s face, there and gone.

“She might try to run. She is a bit willful.” He said apologetically, I was about to ask if he still thought this was a good idea when Silvi snarled something and… kicked him, hard enough for him to wince, before yanking her shoulder out from under his hand and marching past me to stand pointedly next to the scouts, glaring at the ground. 

I glanced at Eirik in concern and he sighed. “She is… angry with me for giving her to Lowlanders.” 

I winced and looked over at her… she was still glaring at the ground but was standing still. “Are you-?”

“Yes.” He sighed, “I am certain.”

Oh… I tried to give him a reassuring smile. “I’ll take care of her as best I can and hopefully the other kids will help?” I offered uncertainly then added hopefully, “You can always come around to check on her. I shouldn't be hard to find.”

“Aye. I might do that.” He said with a wistful tone. Then gave me a nod. “Lady keep you, Rae of the Inquisition.”

“And you.” I hesitated only a second before hugging him, causing him to laugh but he hugged me back. “Thank you, Eirik. For everything. I hope we see you again.” 

“We’re ready to move out, Sunshine.” Bull said from somewhere to my left. I glanced at him and found Silvi staring up at him with her mouth open. He saw her too and smiled at her and her mouth shut and she glared again before turning so she wasn’t looking at him. 

This… was going to be a long trip

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to AntlersandFangs for helping me so much with this chapter.


	36. Chapter 36

  
  


Silvi… 

Silvi was… difficult. Completely understandable considering circumstances but… it broke my heart to see her like that. She alternated between enraged glares and shouting in Alammarri if someone tried to tell her what to do, to sullen, red-eyed silence as she picked at her food. Sometimes I could hear her crying quietly beside me when she thought I was asleep. 

I made the huge mistake of trying to ask her if she was alright or wanted to talk… this resulted in her screaming at me in alammarri for twenty minutes before flipping over and pulling her blankets over her head. I didn’t try to comfort her at night again, though it broke my heart not to every time I heard her try to muffle a sniffle. This… had to be terrifying for a ten year old. 

Bull, thankfully, seemed to be able to forge some sort of communication… something with her. She was fascinated with him, and he in turn let her stare without trying to talk. She was going through some sort of drill with a dagger, marking up a tree with her little belt knife when Bull reached down and nudged her elbow up, murmuring quiet correction. Then he left, completely ignoring her glare and then her grumbled ‘my thanks’..

But she tolerated him after that. 

Me? Not so much. I envied his previous experience. I was at a loss of what to do, I tried very hard to be kind and understanding but it felt as though every time I tried it would backfire or she’d just blow up and yell, then run off. Thankfully never far, but still. 

With all this, Rett and I really didn’t try again… and really the incident with Eirik made me realize that I wasn’t ready for that yet… Eirik had been understanding but there was no guarantee Rett would be as well. Oh, he still flirted, that was just very much part of his nature I think, I still… liked him, but I wasn’t willing to count on him being as… patient if he accidentally… set me off. 

‘Set me off’ ‘triggered’. I mentally shook my head as the words occurred to me and I realized that I actually had Trauma. PTSD. It wasn’t something I had actually realized until I was triggered like that. It was strange to think of and apply to myself. I had always been normal… or I thought so. I mean, sure I was nervous, but I was just… shy, right?

“Something bothering you, Sunshine?” Bull asked as he passed by me. 

“I…” I started to answer and then shook my head. I didn’t want to talk to him about… trauma…? Especially since… well meaning or not, he had been part of it. “Just thinking.” He accepted it easily and kept on riding. 

Despite everything, I felt my spirit rise the closer we got to the Charger’s camp and the kids. I was smiling long before we could see the camp, I could hear the kids laughing.

Someone called out a greeting and then I was urging my horse forward because I wanted to see them! I slid off of the horse the moment I was near enough for Rocky to grab its reins, and then I was scooping Meraad and Garth up into a hug as they dashed for me. 

I kissed their hair and listened to Garth say he knew I was coming back and hugged him tighter, then looked up to smile at Kalin who came over and I lifted an arm in offer.

He hesitated but darted in for a quick hug then stepped back with a small smile directed at the ground. “Missed you.” 

“Missed all of you too.” I kissed Meraad and Garth's heads again. Then looked back over my shoulder to see Bull lifting Silvi off her horse and setting her down. “I brought someone for you to meet. She’s a bit… upset right now so just try and make her feel welcome okay?” 

They nodded and Meraad leaned around me to grin and take off running to lunch herself into Bull’s arms. He caught her with a laugh and tossed her into the air. Garth tackled his leg in a hug and Kalin went over to wait his turn for a greeting. 

I noticed Solas look at them with a small wistful smile and then just led his horse to where the others were tethered. I definitely needed to talk to him but right now I had a bigger problem.

Silvi was looking at the other kids greeting Bull and was just... scowling. I considered offering her my hand but… as I had learned in the tent, she didn’t want… nice. Instead I waited until the kids looked away from Bull and towards her before smiling, feeling nervous. “Kids, this is Silvi. Silvi, this is Kalin, Garth, and Meraad, my other children.” I pointed at each one as I named them off. 

Silvi glared at me and grabbed her pack from Rett, practically wrenching it from his hands. “I am not yours, lowlander.” She growled, stomping past me without a glance at the other kids.

“She’s angry. But not as scared as before.” Cole whispered hurriedly. “Things are different. Unmarked. Doors closed before they are opened. I’m glad.” 

Not as scared as before. That was good. “Can you help her?” 

“I’ll try.” He looked over at where Silvi had shoved her pack next to a log and was currently glaring at the Chargers. “No magic to gain the gods’ interest, red hair to mark a brat, nothing special, no one wants, thrown off. She’s hurt.”

There was another break in my heart for her. “Maybe you and Sage both can help? You’re spirits. I’ll… figure out how to show her she’s wanted.” 

He nodded, but when he went over to sit next to her Silvi glared, jumped up, and walked around the fire to sit alone again. I shook my head at a loss. Bull said the other Rae had raised these kids but… did she ever get through to Silvi? Or was she an unwilling, resentful addition? I mean if the other Rae killed everyone then she had cause but… my heart hurt for her pain and my head hurt for trying to think of something that could help. 

I greeted all of the Chargers who each individually came over to welcome me back. I was going to show Silvi to the tent that was mine and the kids but I looked over from hugging Grim to see Garth leading the way, holding her pack and a very reluctant looking Silvi being led… more aptly dragged, by a smiling Meraad. Maybe the kids could help her more than I could. 

Rocky already had a pot of beans and rice going for supper so with nothing else to do, I called a meeting at the table with Bull and Solas. They were both ignoring each other… amazing, seeing as they stood two feet apart. Truly a talent.

I decided to start off with my questions about Silvi. “So… last time did Silvi ever… adjust?” I asked awkwardly. It was still strange to think of an alternate timeline that had been altered but hey… this was Thedas, nothing made sense and you just had to roll with it. 

Bull made a sound in his throat. “Eventually, yes.” 

Okay…. “How’d she get through to her?”

Solas opened his mouth to speak but Bull spoke over him. “I don’t think it would help to know.” I gave him a questioning look and he shrugged. “Things have changed, she’s different now, different headspace. Knowing what worked before probably won’t help you since the circumstances have changed.”

That made sense. Essentially, this was a different Silvi than the one he had known. ”How much has she changed from the one before?” I asked curiously.

Solas blew out a breath that sounded suspiciously like a laugh. “She has yet to try to kill you and no one has been bitten.”

“Oh. That’s… a definite change.” I said lamely. Bull had asked if she had gotten ‘stabby’. “So, likely whatever worked before won’t now.” I conceded and then sighed, leaning against the table and crossing my ankles. “Other than giving her training pointers, but I can’t fight so that does nada for me.”

Bull huffed. “You’ll figure something out.” 

I nodded and gave him a weak smile. “Thanks.” I then pushed off the table and pulled out the map. Better get the rest out of the way while I could. “So, going to the Frostback basin next?”

I had loved the DLC, only thing being, if I remembered correctly the place was very hard, unless you were like level twenty, and in comparison I was pretty much still in the tutorial stage… it probably wasn’t helping my confidence thinking in game terms though, maybe that was just game mechanics to make it more challenging. 

One could only hope right?

Anyway, we discussed the route we would take, Bull promised to send reports to Leliana and give her an update. I hugged him. That meant I didn’t have to…. I thought, until Krem walked over and dropped an armload of papers onto the table… all addressed to yours truly. What part of ‘just learning to read’ did they not get? 

Bull and Solas took pity on me though and in a few hours we had tackled most of it and I could write out answers tomorrow. I was a little disappointed not to have heard anything else from Brea or Lionel yet but… that was probably just my impatience, I come from a world of instant text messages, so I’ve been spoiled. 

Apparently my yawn was the signal that it was time to call it quits and Bull laughed at my pitiful attempt to cover it and took the paper I was holding from my hands. “Come on, let eat and get some rest.”

“Right.” I started to move, but then remembered I needed to talk to Solas about the kids. “Oh, wait, Solas? Can I… talk to you for a moment?” 

He stopped, tilting his head slightly in concession but turned back to face me. “Lethallan?”

Bull glanced back but kept walking, probably guessing it was personal. I shot him a grateful smile and faced Solas. “Hey so, this might sound… prying? But…” I blew out a breath. “When was the last time you wrapped Meraad's feet for her? Or read to Garth? Kalin I know sits by you but…” I trailed off hoping he got the gist of what I was saying but he just looked down and… nothing. He didn’t say anything. Okay, then. “You’re distancing yourself from them and they’re hurt.”

He opened his mouth then closed it and shook his head before looking up at me. “It was not-“ 

He was cut off by the sound of Garth’s distressed, loud shout and we both turned quickly, hurrying towards where the kids were playing. I turned the corner to see Silvi standing with her arms crossed, glaring down at Garth, who was standing with his fists clenched at his sides. She said something in a low tone and Garth’s face crumpled and he started crying right before he hauled back his fist and punched her in the stomach.

“She won’t!” He shouted as she stumbled back with a grunt. 

“Garth!” I snapped, horrified. “What is this?!”

He looked at me and tucked his hands behind his back with a flinch, then burst into tears. “She- she-”

“She said that you don’t love us and that you’ll give us away when we get too irritating.” Kalin muttered. He was holding Meraad tightly, her face pressed to his shoulder. 

Silvi just scoffed and crossed her arms, looking away from me. “It is true. Elders keep you around until you are too much trouble and they give you away to the first person that comes around. How do you think I came to be here?” 

Garth looked like he was about to start swinging again as he took a step forward and started to yell. “That’s not true! You’re-“

“Garth!” I cut him off, the last thing I wanted was for them to fight. I put my hand on his shoulder, pulling him back slightly and stepping between them. “That's enough.” I looked between them. Garth dropped his head at my firm tone but Silvi met my gaze with a burning glare. 

“Silvi, I’m not going to give any of you away.” I said quietly and sincerely, keeping eye contact with her. “I want you to be happy here.”

“Happy?” She scoffed and turned away, “I’m with lowlanders.” She practically growled over her shoulder before she began muttering in Alammarri and stormed towards the fire. 

I sighed and looked back to give Solas a helpless look, only to find him holding Meraad… which was actually a welcome sight as she had her arms wrapped around his neck tightly and her face buried into his shoulder. She looked like she was crying and Solas… Solas looked like he was trying very hard not to cry. He looked at me and swallowed thickly before smiling and holding a head out to Garth. “Would you like to show me how much you have learned of your letters tonight?”

Garth swiped at his eyes and then looked at Solas with a wary but hopeful look. “You… you’re not mad at us anymore?” 

Solas… okay, Solas was crying now, quiet tears that just slipped down, nothing dramatic but like the perfect tear… why couldn’t I cry like that? I had the red faced, snotty, swollen eyes crying and he got the movie perfect crying. I… was distracting myself from the fact that he was crying and I didn’t know what to do about that. 

“I… I was never mad at you, da’len.” He said quietly and then knelt, still holding Meraad and opened his other arm to Garth. Garth hesitated for a split second before launching himself at Solas.

Okay, now I was crying. 

I watched as Solas hugged him tightly. He looked up at me and nodded before he stood and led Garth over to the fire to sit down and pull out his primer book. It was just… I was crying now. I swiped at my eyes and breathed before realizing the weight pressed against my leg. 

I looked down to see Kalin actually hugging me and… I didn’t want to move because then he might stop but I just wanted to hold him and… I was flailing mentally. 

“You wouldn’t give us away.” He said quietly, leaning against my leg.

“No.” I confirmed just as quietly and rested my hand lightly on his back. “I wouldn’t give you away.” 

He nodded and then just as quietly added. “She’ll learn.” 

I nodded and hoped he was correct but still not daring to move much more than that because… he was giving me a hug… one he initiated. “I love you, Kalin.”

“You too.” He said quietly before pulling away. Dang it!

We both walked over to the fire where Stitches was dishing out supper, I caught up with the Chargers, listening to the shenanigans that Kalin, Garth, and Meraad had gotten up to. Without Dorian there to help with their reading, Krem had taken over, and Krem teasingly joked about not knowing how a spoiled altus had as much patience as he did. Kalin also tried to trap a fennec. The attempt resulted in a half crazed, terrified fennec getting trapped inside Rocky and Grim’s tent in the middle of the night, that actually startled a yell from the otherwise mute Grim. The fennec had eventually been released (by which he meant it had clawed a hole through the side of the tent and escaped) and Kalin had learned to sew to help mend the torn canvas.

Kalin was red faced and shuffling the entire retelling. It was adorable! I also got to see Grim blushing in embarrassment. So all in all it was a good night…. except Silvi only picked at her food and sat as far from the group as she could get. At least she petted Sage when she came to press against her legs and purr. (I decided after about thirty times tripping over the name change to just keep calling her Sage. She didn’t seem to mind. Cole said it meant the same thing if you twisted the word around. From green to wise.)

Meraad and Garth stuck to Solas’ sides like glue until it was time for bed but he actually asked to cross the line and tucked them in himself. I was proud of him… He was trying to fix it. Though… no, not thinking about it.

Silvi looked… a little lost when she finally ducked into the tent with me to sleep, her eyes falling on the other kids and then me with a wistful expression that quickly turned into a scowl when she saw me watching. She glared at me and then moved to her bedroll and slid into it, jerking her blanket up over her head and turning her back to me. 

I sighed and whispered a quiet, “Good night everyone.” 

It would take time.

But I was home now.    
  



	37. Chapter 37

We didn’t head out for a few days… mostly because we had to catch up with the Council’s letters, send replies, reports, and also they were asking my opinion on a few war table missions I recognized. Which brought up a serious question in my mind. 

Where was Maxwell? No one had mentioned him in their letters. And that was worrying. I made a point to add an inquiry about him. 

The kids had a stack of drawings ready for me to tuck into the council’s letters, their names written on them in shaky colors. Kalin said they were their reports, though he had a smile tucked in the corner of his mouth that meant he thought it was funny. Considering he was sending Leliana a drawing of a green nug with wings and antlers, it probably was. Garth had another drawing for Cullen, this time a perfectly acceptable drawing of a lion and a dog playing together. Wait, no… they were fighting. It was hard to tell because Bull had insisted he not use any red for ‘official’ drawings. 

Solas started joining us in the reading lessons again, and Meraad began wearing wraps again. (Pink footwraps! How he pulled that off I’ll never know.) I tried to include Silvi in the reading lessons but that went over about as well as you’d expect. It didn’t. She glared and turned, walking to the far side of the camp before pulling out her knife and slashing at a defenceless tree.

I was starting to feel sorry for the trees in camp, nearly all of them had slash marks. Silvi wouldn’t play with the other kids. I was very proud of them for offering, first Kalin then Garth, even Meraad offered Silvi her paper and colors. But no, Silvi remained distant and gave them the cold shoulder as well. 

It took four days to hear back from Leliana by a raven… I did not expect the disbelief she expressed at us not only rescuing the scouts but also recruiting and allying with Eirik and his people. Why was that so hard to believe? 

Also there was a short note at the bottom of the letter. ‘Trevelyan is resting and recovering, there is no need to concern yourself.’ Okay… not sure why that bothered me but it did.

Day five and we started heading out. Again running into snags with Silvi. She refused to ride with anyone. So I did the only thing I could do, short of just throwing her on the horse with Bull. (Pretty sure he was probably the only one who could’ve held her.) I went to the cart and moved things around so she could ride in the back. This was met with another glare as she climbed in back and sat down rigidly. 

“You can ride with us anytime you change your mind.” I tried to reassure her gently. I was answered with yet another glare before she turned her head and pointedly ignored me. I was trying… I really was but I was getting frustrated. 

The next night we camped she was even more prickly. She snapped at the kids if they tried to talk to her and shrieked at the adults if they tried to engage her. The kids watched her with sad eyes but kept their distance. And then… she knocked over the pot of water Skinner had just filled for me. I took a breath and just picked up the pot and refilled it, though Skinner looked very close to bending the girl over her knee… I might have had to ask her not to. 

I wasn’t against punishment but part of me just twisted in dread at the thought of… I didn’t know how to frame it in my own mind. These kids had had a terrible life so far and… it just felt bad. I would have to try and find something to use to enforce consequences though… I knew I’d have to if her behavior continued on like this. 

The Chargers, well meaning but not really helping, thought they could help by retelling how their parents dealt with them or their siblings… well meaning but not exactly helpful. I was not going to cane Silvi.

The next day was no different: scowls and glares. She rode in the back of the cart again, although this time I saw Sage jump in there with her soo... maybe that will help? Bull had been keeping his distance lately so I decided to talk to him today while we were still moving and I was feeling very proud of myself for guiding my horse completely on my own to the front to ease up beside him. “Hey.” I said cheerfully once I was close enough.

Bull turned his head and gave me an approving nod when he saw me and smiled. “Looking good, Sunshine.”

I smiled and winked at Meraad who was sitting in his lap. “Thanks, it’s getting easier.”

And then… We rode in silence, because I couldn’t think of anything to ask him. Really should have thought about a subject before this. It was a few minutes before the metal on his leg brace glinted in the sun, giving me something to say. “How’s your leg?” 

He shrugged. “Doesn't interfere with my job."

Okay, not exactly what I was doing for. “Didn’t think it did.” I gave him a smile but then we rode in that long silence again. My mind scrambling to think of something. Finally, I sighed. "Aren't you supposed to be good at conversations?"

"Is that what you want?" He said in a baffled tone, but I could see a tiny bit of a smile. 

“Yes… at least that’s what I was trying for.” I muttered before giving him a rueful smile. “We haven’t exactly… just talked… to talk.”

He fell serious and shrugged. "Didn't think you wanted to have to deal with me too much. I did mess with your head." 

There was that… “And you apologized.” I pointed out. 

He gave me a slightly sad smile. "You forgive too easy, Sunshine. But alright. You wanna hear about these fried sunbow fruits from par vollen?" 

By ‘sunbow’ he meant banana… or plantains, either way I was going to get my hands on some. He seemed to enjoy my excitement over the discovery, though he had the little twinkle in his eye that made me suspect that he knew I liked them already. It was strange that he already knew some of my likes and dislikes but I guess it put us on an even playing field, after all I knew he loved spicy food, the color pink and… bedroom preferences… far more than an acquaintance should know. 

We fell into a fairly easy conversation after that, I learned that when in doubt about what to talk about, food was a safe backup and by the time we stopped to camp I learned there were also coconuts, mangos, and strawberries in Thedas! I may have begged him to get me in touch with whoever could supply them. 

We pulled up to the spot Bull had picked for a camp and I dismounted and even helped tether and unsaddle my own horse. Look at me! Anyway, Grim was showing me how to curry when Skinner stomped over. “She cut a flour bag.” 

I closed my eyes and leaned my head against my horse’s side and sighed in frustration. I didn’t have to ask who she was talking about. “Did we lose any of it?” I asked quietly. 

Skinner raised an eyebrow at me. “No, but it needs to be sewed, one good bump and we would have lost the sack.”

“I’ll get some things to sew it up.” I said quietly and handed Grim the curry brush and gave Skinner an apologetic look before moving off to find my pack and pull out some needle and thread. I spent a few minutes sewing up the flour sack, carefully setting it in a way so not to spill any of it and pretended not to see when Silvi came over to just watch me with a glare. 

I finished and stood, setting the mended flour sack back in the cart before turning to look at her. She was standing there with her arms crossed and glaring at me expectantly. 

“I know you’re angry with me,” I sighed quietly. “but please don’t mess with the food. I don’t want you kids to go without.” 

Her eyes narrowed at me through her glare before she turned on her heel to go sit next to where Rocky and Bull were building a fire. 

To get to the Frostback Basin we first had to go through the Frostbacks… meaning the further we rode the colder it got. More often Meraad or Garth would wake me up and ask to go to Bull’s tent. I always let them. Bull’s body heat somehow was warmer than the warming glyph Solas laid down inside the tent. 

I woke up once to find Kalin pressed against my side for warmth, he was still shivering slightly. The next night I set all of their bedrolls in Bull’s tent with his okay. Only Silvi and I stayed in my tent. The girl seemed immune to the cold, sometimes kicking off her blankets while I balled up under mine and wore extra layers to bed and I always felt half frozen in the morning. 

I still tried to engage Silvi in reading lessons but all that got was a rock in the stew, the lid on my spice box had new slashes across it, and the latest was a shattered mug she ‘dropped’. The thing was heavy clay mold, it doesn’t shatter by being dropped on the snow covered ground. I could feel the Charger’s growing frustration with me as things just kept happening. Bull never said anything and neither did Solas but I felt like they were watching to see how I’d handle it. 

One morning I was the first awake, Silvi still sleeping in her bed roll on the farthest side of the tent from me she could get with Sage curled up beside her. I was grateful she was sticking with the girl, that she had some companionship she couldn’t shove away.

I stepped out of the tent and pulled the cloak tightly around myself and moved to the fire, wondering if I should get an early start on breakfast. 

In the end I dug out the oatmeal and the frozen onions and some leftover meat. I set a pot over the fire and conjured some ice into it to let melt. Bull came out right as I was sautéing the onions and browning the meat. “Morning.” I called quietly and gestured to the pot of tea I had just started.

He grunted and moved to the fire, rubbing sleep from his eye and adjusting his eyepatch. “You’re up early.”

“Got cold.” I huffed and poured him a mug of the strong tea blend they had and held it out to him. “I don’t sleep well when it’s cold.” 

He gave me a concerned glance. “The heating glyphs not working?” 

I shrugged and stirred the onions and meat together. “Ground’s alright, but the air is still chilly.” He made a ‘huh’ sound and walked closer to accept the mug and I noticed his bad knee giving off a clicking sound that sounded painful as he stiffly moved his leg. “Is the cold bothering it?” That was actually something that happened right? I had been lucky enough never to have broken any bones growing up. In books and movies people complained about the cold bothering their joints and stuff. 

“Yeah. It’s manageable.” He took a drink of the tea, lowered himself down to sit next to the fire and began measuring out the oatmeal without having to ask how much I needed. “Doesn't hurt as bad as it will after a decade.” 

Oh… traveling a lot probably isn’t helping it any. I stirred the meat and onions thoughtfully and moved them off the direct flame and set them on a stone close enough to the fire to stay warm but not cook anymore. “Hopefully when we get back to Skyhold I won’t have to go out again… maybe we can stay? I don’t think Maxwell will want to take you with him when he finds out it was a trick.” 

He… winced. “Yeah, I don’t… think that’ll happen.” 

I looked over at him because… that sounded more like an apology than just upset over not traveling. He wasn’t looking at me, instead his eye was on the fire. “You don’t think they’ll let me stay?” I asked quietly.

He sighed. “You… you’ve been out here for maybe two months and you’ve already collected the Blades, an Avvar tribe, and stabilized both the Storm Coast and the FallowMire. I think they’ll find you more useful out here than in the kitchen.” 

Crap. 

I stared at the fire too as his words sank in. Leliana wouldn’t want me back in the kitchen no matter how much Josie begged her. French toast wouldn’t fix that. Now Leliana would see me as an agent and keep sending me out… out here where I have to fight…. and kill people. Crap crap crap.

My eyes started to sting and I swiped at them. I didn’t want to be an agent. I just wanted to take my kids back to Skyhold and hide in a kitchen. The kitchen Cullen promised me, dang it! 

“I’m sorry, Sunshine.” Bull said quietly. 

Crap, I was crying. I used my shirt to wipe my eyes and shook my head. “S’my own fault.” I blew out a breath and started the oatmeal. “I haven’t seen any signs of bandits.” I said in a bid to change the subject. (not like I would know anything about spotting signs of bandits.)

“We’re too large a group.” Bull said, and somehow made the statement sound apologetic. “Only an idiot would mess with us.” 

Which… was why I was with them. But I didn’t want to think about that right now. So I tried to get on another subject. “So what’s the rarest kind of food you’ve ever eaten?” When in doubt: food.

Thankfully he indulged me and the conversation turned to easier things. People started getting up and they got their bowls and eagerly dished out their helpings. Meraad was the first one of the kids to get up and she poked her head out before catching Solas’ eyes and grinned and held up her footwraps up for him to see in silent request.

I smiled as I watched him sigh in mock exasperation as he moved to pick her up and carried her to the fair setting her in his lap before beginning to wrap her feet. “You must learn to do this for yourself, Da'lan. Watch carefully.”

She nodded seriously and I may have giggled, and Solas raised his head to cock an eyebrow at me. But I couldn’t help it. It was soo… domestic of him and it was too sweet a picture. 

Kalin and Garth got up and I made their bowls, I saw Silvi get up and snag a bowl without talking to anyone and move off towards the horses to eat. I frowned after her in concern and felt Sage rub against my leg before moving off to greet Solas.

I saw Cole pacing and glancing off in the direction behind us as if something was bothering him. I handed Garth over to Bull and walked over to touch his arm to stop his pacing. “Hey Cole, is something wrong?” 

“He’s angry, hurting, helpless to help. He doesn’t want to see me.” He said fretfully. 

I frowned and glanced back at the camp in worry, trying to see if I could spot whoever he was feeling. “Is there anything I could do to help them?” I asked quietly.

“Yes. No. Maybe. It’s… uncertain. He doesn’t want to be found, but hates the loneliness.” Cole shook his head. “They're loud.”

That didn’t sound like anyone… except loneliness sounded like Silvi but Cole said ‘He’. I looked in the direction I had seen him looked and saw nothing… nothing but snow and trees. 

“He’s not in danger or a danger. Just hurting.” Cole reassured me. 

Okay, so it was someone out there. “Is he in our path? Will we come across him? Can we offer help?” I asked in concern. 

“He’ll move away from us. He doesn't want to be found.” Cole paused, and then smiled brightly. “I can leave some food in his path.” 

I nodded. “I’ll have Solas lay a warming glyph on a bowl of leftovers, and there's some dried jerk meat we can spare.” If I couldn’t meet them, leaving this person something seemed the next best thing. Maybe a note to search out the Inquisition for aid? 

“I’ll do it.” Cole said eagerly and flitted away. Oh, I loved that boy. Could I adopt him? I would. In a heartbeat.

I went back to the fire and filled an extra bowl with oatmeal and asked Solas to warm it. He gave me a quizzical look but did it for me without asking why and I then handed it to Cole, who popped up beside me with a small sack in his hand. “Bull, would you write a note for me, I want it to be legible?” (And not like a child’s writing.) 

Bull didn’t ask questions either, though he frowned, but he was quick to pull out paper and a graphite stick wrapped in cloth. It was a simple note. ‘I don’t know you, but if you need aid the Inquisition is ready and willing to help. If you seek them out tell them ‘The Cook sent you’. I hope these supplies help you. The Cook.’ The note was slipped into the bag and Cole was off. 

I then busied myself helping pack up camp, gathering the kid’s bedrolls and packing away tents. Bull helped me load everything I had pulled out to cook back into the cart. “Thanks.” 

He just shrugged then looked toward the trail we were about to head down consideringly. “How’s Silvi doing with the cold?”

I rolled my eyes and retied the straps holding down the foodstuffs sacks. “I think she’s immune to it.”

He made a humming noise before… offering hesitantly. “I could move my bed roll in with you and the kids? For warmth, I mean. I’d leave at any time for any reason, no questions asked if you told me to.” 

That… was actually a really sweet offer and also practical. And it’s not like me and the kids never shared a tent with him before. We all did on the journey to Skyhold and it had been just as warm as Solas’ cabin. I smiled and nodded, eager to be warm. “I don’t see a problem with it. Mine and the kids’ tent is bigger than yours and I think we could all fit comfortably.”

“Alright.” Bull smiled back and we turned. “So,” Bull started playfully as we started walking towards the horses. “Rett hasn't been able to make you blush for a full day.”

“I think I'm building up an immunity to his charm.” I huffed. “A miracle, I know.” I had to side step to avoid Silvi who shouldered past me without making eye contact and climbed into the cart, for once not having to be asked or herded. Progress maybe?

I turned and started to walk but stopped when I saw Bull looking back at Silvi and I couldn’t tell if that was concern or suspicion in his gaze. “Hey, what you thinking?”

He shook his head dismissively but still had a concerned crease to his forehead. “Probably nothing.” He then smiled… “So… Eirik, nothing happened there but potential right?”

I rolled my eyes at him but laughed and blushed a little. “What are you, a teenager?” He wiggled his brows at me and I laughed and lowered my voice. “Alright… yes, we kissed and made out, he was sweet, but unfortunately we couldn’t go any farther.” I wasn’t gonna tell him why it didn’t but… chances are he already figured it out. He had found me crying so...

“That’a’girl!” Bull chuckled as we reached the horses, My horse was already saddled along with everyone else’s. “Next time he comes around maybe, huh?”

I snorted as I gathered the rains for my horse from the tether rope. “Jeez, I take it back, you’re worse than a teenager!!”

He laughed and… then lifted me up and onto my horse. I was very proud of myself when the squeak of surprise that escaped me was just that: surprise.

Bull pulled away and winced. "Sorry. Didn't think." 

I shook my head and smiled reassuringly even when my horse shifted her weight around. “No, it’s fine. Just unexpected. It definitely makes it easier.” He didn’t look convinced so I dropped my head and worried the reins in my hands. “I wasn’t scared, Bull. I’m… doing better.” about some things, anyway. 

He gave me a small smile and nodded his head. “That’s good, Sunshine.” He patted my leg lightly and again I didn’t flinch and there was no fear. “If you ever want to talk, I’m here.” He offered quietly.

Not that far along yet, lack of fear was not quite 'discussing trauma', but I smiled and thanked him anyway. He probably knew better than anyone else what I probably needed though. I watched him mount and start calling out orders before grabbing Kalin from Grim and settling him in his lap. 

He really was great with the kids. I sighed and patted my horse's neck. “What do you think?” Her ear flicked and she shook her head, bobbing it in obvious irritation. “Alright, alright, let's go.”

I started to guide her away from the trees but she bobbed her head again and jerked at the reins in my hand as she backed up, sidestepping and throwing her head around with an irritated whicker.

Everything kind of happened at once, I heard a shout and then my horse started jumping, bucking and I was falling, my face was scraped by bark as my shoulder hit a tree, then I threw out my arm to catch myself as I fell toward the ground… I heard it before I felt it. A sickening  _ crack _ !

Pain lanced up my arm, as I tried to sit up and I moved my arm to look and…. my arm was not supposed to bend that way. And that… that was blood. There was shouting and my name but… that was my blood, and my bone. That was bone. 

Someone was shouting and Solas was right there, holding my shoulders and telling me not to try and move and I was just… my arm was broken… and the bone was… “That’s bad.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to AntlersandFangs and Tychesong for plot shooting with me


	38. Chapter 38

  
  


My arm was broken and I couldn’t take my eyes away from the-

“Rae!” I jerked my head up towards Bull, who was crouched next to me and sliding a board under my arm. “Is it numb or sharp pain?”

I looked back at my arm and… that should hurt right. “I… numb?”

He let out a curse. “Solas?”

“The bone has been exposed and needs to be cleaned and sterilized before we can try to set and heal it.” Solas was still holding my shoulders. 

“Krem, get a tent set back up!” Bull shouted, but oddly the loud sound didn’t make me flinch. I was staring at my arm. This was bad. 

“On it, Chief.” 

“Alright Sunshine, we’re gonna have to move you. The board will keep your arm from moving.” 

Yeah… okay, that made sense. I nodded. How were they going to get the bone back under my skin without…? oh crap this was gonna hurt… or maybe it won’t be until my arm wasn’t just… numb? 

“Don’t fix it yet.” Cole said. “I’ll get help. They’ll know what to do.” 

“Cole-” Solas protested.

“He’s close.” And then Cole flitted away.

“That kid better hurry before the swelling sets in.” Bull cursed under his breath and grabbed the clean rag Stitches held out to him with a bottle of… burning! It burned!

I tried to yank away but Solas held my shoulders and arm still. I felt a scream tearing at my throat but in my panicked attempts to get away from the burning I saw…

Silvi was staring at me with wide, horrified eyes, her hands clenched over her chest and her face pale. I was scaring her. Don’t scream. I clenched my eyes shut and gritted my teeth. Don’t scream. It scares the kids. Don’t scream. 

Don’t scream, even as there was a lurching, stomach rolling sensation of being lifted and moved. Don’t scream, even as feeling slowly started spreading into my arm and- oh, god, that hurt. Don’t scream.

There was a distant scuffle of voices and movement, and then cold hands were touching my face. “I found him. He can help.”

Cole. I pried my eyes open to look at him and he had taken over holding my shoulder and arm still. I felt magic wash over my arm and heard a sharp command to hold me still. I turned my head towards the voice. A man, long, greasy blond hair falling around his face, what looked like a beard, thin… Then pain made me clamp my eyes closed and focus on not screaming as my bones were moved and....

I passed out.

I figured this out after the fact as I blinked awake to the sound of Cole’s frantic, pleading tones. “Please stay until she wakes up. She will want to see you. She likes you, doesn’t know you from once upon a time but from a different tale, knows but doesn’t remember.”

“I can’t stay.” Came the nearly just as frantic reply in an eerily familiar voice.

“Running from something?” That was Bull. 

“Running, hiding, trying to find the way to save both halves- She’ll protect you.” Cole said in a rush. “That’s what she does. She wanted to but he told me to stay away so she gave you food but you’re here now.” 

“You have expended a great deal of mana.” Solas said in a wary but calming tone. “You need rest.”

“Look, I know you mean well but I can’t-“ why was that voice so familiar?

“C-cole?” I croaked out.

“I have to go.” The voice sounded more urgent and… I suddenly placed the voice in my memory and felt disbelief on top of the buzzy feeling that- oh, that was Sage purring on my chest. 

I raised my head and my eyes darted around, searching for the source of the voice. He was tucked back into the shadows of the tent, obviously wanting to move past Bull and Cole and I had to struggle to keep from flinching. He was filthy, thin, and his greasy hair looking more ashen then the gold that I knew wasn’t natural. The only clean thing on him seemed to be a bright silver ring on a chain around his neck, softly glowing. “A-anders?” 

His eyes widened and he started shaking his head when his body started to shake and he cradled his head in his hands. “Bull!” I managed to shout at the sudden tell tale signs of Justice, now Vengeance, fighting for control. 

“ _ You will not take him!”  _ The voice was eerie and reverberated over Anders' own voice and… Bull cursed and drew his axe.

“No! No, don’t hurt him!” I shouted at the same instant as Solas threw a barrier over everyone. 

I pushed myself up and held my hands out. "Justice, we're not going to hurt him. Bull!" My heart was in my hands throat as I moved between the possessed mage and the very large guy with an axe, terrified of possession. "We're  _ not _ going to hurt him!"

“Rae!?” Bull ground out my name through gritted teeth, as blue lines began to crack through Anders' skin. "You need to get away from that."

"I- no." I really didn't want to, but I turned my back to Vengeance and held up my hands. "He's just protecting Anders." Please be right please be right… “Justice,” it felt important to call him Justice, not Vengeance though I knew it was Vengeance now. “Compassion and Wisdom are here. Ask them, please. I don’t mean you or him any harm.” 

"She doesn't. She would like to wrap you up in a blanket and give you soup." Cole said helpfully. "You're too thin." Okay… True, but awkward to hear out loud. 

Oddly enough, Bull… sighed. "Another one?" 

I really couldn’t answer because Vengeance cocked Anders’ head and stared, eyes still blazing blue, letting me know he was still in control of Anders. “They are saying you speak true. What do you want with him, mortal? He has endangered us to help you against my advice. Is that not enough?”

“I just… want to help.” I said lamely. “He’s obviously not doing well. He needs a safe place to sleep and a lot of food.” 

“What. Do. You. Want. With. Him.” Vengeance practically growled at me, looming over me, and I couldn’t help a flinch backwards. He paused and scowled.

“I… want to help.” My voice wavered slightly, but it was true. “I…” Okay. Think. What… what would make Vengeance listen? “I was hurt by a templar.” I blurted out.

Vengeance stilled and it felt… ominous.

“I was hurt by a templar, a few of them.” I said. “I’m a mage. I… I want to help him. I know who he is, what you did, and I want to help him.” 

Vengeance, despite Anders’ depleted form, looked terrifying, and I had a hard time keeping my chin up to face him. After a long, pulse raising moment where he just glared at me, the blue disappeared and Anders suddenly sagged and reached out as if to balance himself, and I dashed forward to stabilize him, suddenly realizing that my arm, despite a dull throb, was fine. 

Anders gave me a slightly frantic look, running his hands over my arms. “Did he hurt you?” 

“I- No?” I may have flushed because he was very intense and touching me. “He just wanted to make sure we weren’t going to hurt you. We aren’t, so…” 

He closed his eyes and breathed out a heavy, relieved sigh. “You talked him down.”

“Sunshine…” Bull sighed and ran a hand over his face before looking at me in frustration. “That was stupid.”

I winced. “But it worked?” 

Anders glanced uneasily at Bull. “So…”

“I know who you are, I talked to Justice… I think he gave me permission to wrap you in blankets and feed you.” I said in a forced cheerful tone because this was awkward. 

Anders wavered on his feet and Cole was there on his other side before he fell because there was no way I would have been able to hold him up, and helped me guide him to sit where I had just been. “Cole, sweetheart could you get Dorian for me?”

“He needs a bath and a razor.” Cole nodded as he spoke my unspoken thoughts, then flitted away.

“And some soup!” I called after him. 

“Hey, Chief!” Krem called before sticking his head into the tent and handing Bull something. 

Bull frowned at whatever Krem had given him and cursed before ducking out. That was… concerning, but right now Anders looked kind of dazed and very thin. 

“You want to bathe then eat or eat then bathe? Personally I’d bathe… at least wash your hands.” I spoke quietly, trying to show some normality.

“A… bath?” He said in dazed confusion. “How did you talk him down?”

“I told him what happened to me.” I hugged myself and looked away. “And I have a pair of spirits to vouch for me that I just… want to help.” 

“Dove?” Dorian called before ducking in, his eyes scanning over me in concern before sighing and shaking his head. “Next lesson is teaching you how to roll with a fall. We can’t always count on Cole finding random hobo apostates in the woods to heal you.“

I snorted. “Love you too.” Then paled when I realized what I had said.

Dorian paused and blinked, then gave me a slightly shocked smile. “Well. Of… of course you do.” He looked slightly emotional before putting on a brighter, more photo perfect smile. “But speaking of hobo apostates, Cole said I was allowed to make  _ this _ one more presentable?”

I slumped in relief that I hadn’t weirded him out. “And there’s no one more qualified.” I laughed and stood up. “And I’m sure you’ll find this one cleans up rather nice.”

“I’m right here.” Anders mumbled but he just sounded drained and exhausted.

“So you are. Come, I’ve spent a good portion of mana on heating a bath for you. Let’s find the man behind that scruff, yes?” Dorian said cheerfully as he reached for Anders’ arm to help him up. 

“I believe Dorian can handle the rest.” Solas spoke and I startled a little because I had honestly forgotten he was there. “I think the children need to see that you are well, Lethallan.”

I nodded. Yeah, they probably were freaked out.  _ I  _ was a little freaked out. “They… didn’t see it, did they?” I mean… Kalin and Silvi definitely had…

Solas winced and spoke quietly. “I am honestly unsure,“

Well… “Okay, let’s go see them.” Dorian seemed to have Anders handled so I inhaled and headed for the entrance, rubbing my arm absently. It was achy but it felt like a… sore muscle achy instead of ‘my bone was outside my body’ achy. 

I stepped out of the tent and was not prepared for the sight of Bull standing behind a shaking Silvi. Her face was terribly pale and I was afraid she was going to pass out. “Bull?” I asked, concerned that he was standing directly behind her and scowling.

Bull shook her shoulder slightly. “Tell her.”

Silvi sniffled and her lip trembled slightly, but she spoke. “I… put something under your saddle.” She suddenly gasped and shook her head. “But I didn’t mean to hurt you! I didn’t know you’d get hurt! I’m sorry!” 

She was shaking like she expected the worst possible response and that… that hurt worse than the fact she targeted me. “Why?”

She flinched and hugged herself. “It was just… supposed to scare you.” 

Well… it did that. I sighed and looked at Bull who was still scowly. “Was my horse hurt?”

Bull’s eye narrowed slightly at me but nodded. “A three inch gouge on her back under the saddle, gonna need to be stitched.”

I winced, the poor thing, and then leveled Silvi with a serious and disappointed gaze. “You caused the horse to suffer for a ‘prank’ Silvi.”

She burst into tears and gasped out a ‘I’m sorry’.

I wracked my brain for what to do while she tried to regain control of herself. This… was serious. I waited until she was sucking in shaky breaths before speaking. “You can’t keep doing things like this Silvi. You hurt the horse, you hurt me, you are making things difficult for everyone. I’ve tried to be patient because I know you’re upset, but this can’t keep going on.”

“Are… you going to give me away now?” She asked shakily.

Oh. I sighed and moved to crouch in front of her and picked up her hands in mine. “No. I’m not going to give you away. I know it’s hard to believe, but I care about you. I’m not going to give you away. This was a really bad thing to do, Silvi, and there needs to be a consequence.” 

Her face crumpled and she started crying again. “A-are… are we going to duel?” 

I blinked, What? “No.” I looked at her in confusion but then shook my head. Thedas was awful. “You hurt the horse. No, you take care of her wound you inflicted.” I looked over at Stitches who was watching with a slight frown. “Does it still need to be cleaned and stitched?” He nodded and I looked back at Silvi. “She’s your responsibility now. You will clean it and doctor her wound because you caused it. Take responsibility for your mistake.” 

She looked incredibly relieved and nodded quickly. “I will.”

I nodded, satisfied and stood. “From now on, there will be consequences for your behavior. You break something, if you destroy something purposely, I won’t turn a blind eye to it anymore. I gave you time to adjust, but like it or not you’re part of this group, Silvi.”

Silvi dropped her head and nodded and mumbled something in alamarri that sounded like an affirmation. 

Bull nodded to me in what looked like approval, then turned to Stitches. “Show Silvi what she needs and guide her through taking care of the horse.” 

I watched as Silvi followed Stitches in a subdued manner that in all honesty was painful to watch but this had been serious. I rubbed my face. “Why are kids so complicated?” 

Bull made a huffing sound. “They're about as complicated as you.” Then he leveled me with a serious look. “He’s unstable, Sunshine. He’s not like Cole or the Cat.”

Solas hummed in what sounded like agreement. “The spirit seems to be the dominant party in their situation Lethallan.”

“I know.” I kept my hands over my face. It was  _ Anders _ , but there really wasn’t a way to explain that so I just sighed. “Maybe the Avvar at Stone Bear Hold can help? They have rituals for separating spirits from people safely for both involved.” 

Bull shook his head and sighed. “Yeah… I know but…” he frowned and looked back in the direction Silvi had gone. “Are you willing to trust him around the kids?”

I shook my head. “It’s complicated. Anders… Anders I trust but it's not just Anders. I don’t trust Vengeance… so, no, I don’t trust him. But I still want to help.” I looked at Bull who was giving me a flat stare and I raised my hands. “We can keep him under watch and keep the kids away from him.”

Bull groaned but seemed to accept it. “Fine.” He turned and headed off and I worried my lip as I moved to find the kids.

The other kids were by a fire, thankfully a good ways away from the tent. Garth shot out of his seat when he saw me and ran over to tackle my legs. “You're okay!”

I hugged him and nodded. “Yeah, I’m okay.” Meraad jumped down from Dalish’s lap and I bent so I could hug her too. Kalin was standing and his eyes were on my arm… which meant he had seen. Crap. “Hey.”

He looked up at my face and then set his jaw in a too angry expression for someone so young. “She did it didn’t she? I saw her by your horse.”

“Kalin…” I trailed off, at a loss. “Yes, but-” 

Garth pulled back to look at Kalin with wide eyes. “Silvi? But...” he too trailed off and then balled his hands into fists and turned like he was about to storm off but I caught his arm. 

“Woah! No!” 

“But she-“

“No!” I said more firmly and he dropped his head but still looked fuming angry.

“Listen. She apologized. She didn’t mean to hurt me.” I said quickly. “She’s in trouble, but you kids need to still be nice, okay?” 

Garth frowned but looked over at Kalin, who was also frowning but his was more pensive rather than just angry. “Does she have to stay on the other side of the line now? Like Bull?”

Oh. “No, sweetie. She’s… one of my kids just like you guys.” I hesitated, then added. “And Bull is going to start staying in the tent with us to help keep us warm now.” Distract? Maybe? Yeah? 

Meraad pulled her head from where it had been buried in my shoulder and looked at me with hopeful eyes then looked around until she spotted Solas and then pointed at him in question. Um. 

“Oh.” I blinked at her and then winced. “I didn’t ask him, sweetie.” 

She wiggled away and I realized too late what she was going to do. 

“Wait-!” I groaned when she ran directly to Solas and tugged on his tunic. 

She put her hands together by her cheek like sleeping, then pointed at him, and then to… me. Great. I was blushing. Oh… and so was Solas! Well, this was awkward. 

“Um… Da’lan, I am not sure if…” Solas’ ears were pink and he was floundering. It would have been funny if not for Meraad’s suddenly crestfallen expression that followed.

I cringed, but went over to try and… smooth it out? Explain? I was just as embarrassed. “I… sorry. She just… Meraad, I don’t think there’s room?” I tried helplessly. “For everyone?” 

Meraad frowned and then shook her head as she swung her arm at the camp and then pointed at Solas emphatically… okay, she didn’t want everyone, just Solas. Oh boy. How-? This was- what could I even-?

“I…” Eloquent. 

She stomped her foot and put her fingers to her mouth and then pointed at Solas. Ask. I sighed and buried my face in my hands so I didn’t have to look at Solas as I blurted out a hasty explanation. “Bull is going to stay in the kids’ tent with us to help keep them warmer and Meraad wants you to come too.” 

Solas made a strangled ‘ah’ sound in his throat before speaking cautiously. “Da’lan, do you remember how I said that dogs and cats do not get along well? Because they are so different?”

I peeked out of my fingers at Meraad, who was frowning thoughtfully but nodding.

“But how a dog and a cat will both be good friends to a person despite their differences? But will remain separate?” He waited for her nod again. “Bull and I are like that. We… do not get along and are better separate, though we both… love you and the other children.”

Meraad made a pouting face and looked down at her feet and I exchanged a helpless look with Solas and he sighed then knelt down and took Meraad’s hands in his. “Perhaps a compromise, Da’lan?” He waited until she was looking up at him to continue. “I can come and tuck you in, as I did before, with your Mamae’s permission?” He glanced up at me and (that sounded like an excellent compromise and less likely to result in an all night glaring match between two certain companions.) I nodded.

Meraad was still pouting but nodded in acceptance then turned and ran back over where Garth and Kalin were standing together talking with serious expressions… I was considering going over to check on them but Solas’ voice made me turn back.

“You were very lenient with Silvi.”

“She’s a child. Children don’t always know how bad something can turn out.” I shook my head. “When I was young I just wanted to scare my brother for laughs. I put a fake spider on his bed next to his head. Harmless… until he jumped out of bed and struck his head on the bar of the bunk.” I sighed. “He needed several stitches and had a mild concussion. My grandfather wanted to-” I cut myself off. I didn’t want to talk about that. “My mom told me that I was too young to realize how drastic my actions could be, and it was her job as a parent to help me learn.” 

I gestured over to where the horses were tethered and I could see Silvi standing on a barrel to see the top of my horses back, dabbing at the cut with a cloth. “She will learn to think about the consequences of her actions next time, and hopefully have more respect for the animals she endangered.” I frowned as I thought of the suggestions from some of the Chargers for lesser offenses. “If I had punished her with a cane… I would only be hurting her back for hurting me. No lesson would have been learned, except that she needed to be afraid of me and that’s the exact opposite of what I'm trying to do.” 

Solas made an ‘Ah’ sound and I turned to see him smiling thoughtfully at the snow by his feet. “A punishment designed to make them think rather than fear.” 

“Exactly.” I smiled and then bit the inside of my cheek as we lapsed into a silence and winced. “Um. I probably… need to make sure the kids aren’t plotting revenge or something… Sorry, about the whole…” okay, I was flushing again. “That.”

Solas chuckled but he shifted his weight a little. “No need. It is natural for her to desire for normalcy again, to seek something familiar.” He sighed and then smiled. “Thank you.”

I blinked. “For what?”

“Before…” he took a breath and shook his head. “It took a long time for me to become comfortable with children. This time though, you have allowed me to be part of their first moments. It is surely not something I deserve but I am grateful.”

That… That- okay, to be honest I mentally just melted into a puddle. “I… They like you.” I said lamely and okay, my voice cracked. 

Solas smiled and nodded. “The feeling is mutual.” He then sighed, “I should go check on how Dorian is getting along with your newest stray.” He said playfully.

“A wolf, a Bull, five kids, a couple of spirits, and now a possessed spirit healer?” I joked.

Solas shook his head and took a step back with a smile, “I’m sure the list is longer than you know, Renae.” He laughed and then turned on his heel and… he walked but he definitely looked like he had a skip? Or a bounce in his step? Huh.

I shook my head and turned back to the kids and walked over, Garth looked upset but resigned and Kalin… Kalin looked serious when he looked at me. “We’ll try and still be friends.”

Oh… well that was better than I expected. “Thank you.” I smiled. 

“That way we can watch her.” Garth piped up and Kalin shot him a look, but Garth seemed not to notice. "We'll be close enough to stop her."

Okay so… ulterior motives but I’d take it. 

Meraad tugged on my arm and then pointed and I turned to see Dorian stepping out of the tent with a much cleaner, clean shaven Anders wearing what looked like Dorian's spare change of clothes. But without the beard he looked impossibly thinner, practically swimming in Dorian’s outfit. Meraad made a gesture to Garth, who nodded, and then she darted forward before I could grab her and held a rather crumbly looking piece of bread up to Anders.

He stared at her as if frozen and I stepped forward and put my hand on her shoulder. “Anders, this is Meraad. One of my kids.” This wasn’t planned and I’m pretty sure somewhere behind me Bull was probably cursing me. Crap. I knelt and squeezed her shoulders slightly. “Sweetheart, can you go find Bull and stay with him right now?” I then looked back and Garth and Kalin who were both staring curiously at Anders. “All of you, okay?”

Meraad shook the bread demandingly at Anders with a stubborn pout. And Anders blinked and moved his hands slowly to take it gently from her hand. “I- th-thank you.”

She beamed a smile up at him before turning and grasping Garth's hand and practically dragging him off towards where Bull… yup, Bull was frowning at me. I gave him an apologetic wince and shrug and gestured at Meraad. Meraad tended to do what Meraad wanted to do. 

He rolled his eye but conceded with a nod, and huh… nonverbal conversation. 

I frowned at the bread in Anders' hand. We hadn't made bread in a couple days. Where had she gotten that? "I, uh, don't know how old that is honestly." Was she hiding food?

Anders looked at the bread and gave me an exhausted sort of smile. “I- it’s fine… really.”

“Oh no, if you give me about twenty minutes I can make something hot, and will definitely sit better on your stomach.” I carefully took the bread from his hand. Last thing he needed was food poisoning right now. I really need to talk to Meraad. “Here, come on and sit down by the fire. It’s warm and you look like you’re about the fall out.”

"You don't-"

"Just go with it." Dorian said cheerfully. "She tends to gather strays." I shot him a flat look but he just grinned at me and I rolled my eyes.

"I really can't st-" Anders tried, but I scooped up Sage and shoved her into his arms before making him sit down.

"Here. You like cats and spirits, here a spirit cat! She purrs. So does Bull." I paused and then slapped a hand over my face at how that sounded. “Not- no, that-“ Dorian was laughing at me which wasn’t helping my sudden embarrassment and Anders just looked confused and way too tired and thin. “Never mind. Oatmeal! Yes. I’m going to make oatmeal.” 

Ugh! 


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel so sooo happy to be able to write fluffy fluff again. *happy sigh* Despair may be taking vacation. Lol

Because of the incident with the fall we didn’t get any ground covered. We ended up pitching tents in the exact same spot as last time. After a bowl of bland oatmeal I was able to coax Anders into sleeping. He slept until supper and then I woke him up and fed him a slightly bland but filling stew (mostly broth) then put him back to bed. The poor man was exhausted. Dorian offered to keep an eye on him, which worked out because he was currently sleeping in Dorian's tent.

Unfortunately, Dorian being busy did not spare me from having to practice falling. It was ridiculous that there was a  _ right _ way to fall, but apparently there was, and Skinner and Rett took great delight in having me and the kids practice doing it right. (You weren’t supposed to try and catch yourself, instead you were supposed to tuck and roll with the fall. Which explained the broken arm…) I was very happy when Skinner announced we were mostly able to fall correctly. I just knew I was covered in bruises from the practice. 

Rett flirted some with me at supper, but… honestly it was getting easier not to get flustered, and I found that even though I still thought he was hot, the actual… attraction just wasn’t there anymore. I wasn’t really sure why… maybe it was my own epiphany of my truma and I knew I wasn’t ready for that kind of thing yet.

That night was awkward at first. As promised, Solas walked over and tucked the kids in, mostly just Meraad and Garth as Kalin didn’t really care for snuggles and Silvi… Silvi was silent and subdued as she made her way to her bed roll and climbed in. Stitches told me she had cried throughout sewing up the wound and putting the poultice over it to ward off infection, then he had her thoroughly curry the horse before feeding it. 

Bull waited until Solas was done telling the kids goodnight and had gone back to his own tent before coming across the line with his bedroll. He was quiet and careful as he set it up and Meraad was wiggling happily, but I just kind of sat on top of my roll awkwardly because… well, it wasn’t like we hadn’t had this set up before, but it was still a little weird to have a man… sleeping in my space. 

When Bull was done and laid down, the kids wasted no time scooting over and curling into one side of him, or in Meraad’s case on his chest, even Kalin scooted closer. 

I waited until everyone was settled before giving Bull an awkward but grateful smile and wished everyone goodnight, even Silvi, though she didn’t acknowledge it, then laid down next to Bull but careful not to touch him.

It… I didn’t fall asleep for a good two hours but it wasn’t from fear so much… self-consciousness? I mean… it was stupid because we shared a tent before and… but what if I snored? Or talked? Or rolled over to hug him in my sleep because he was warm and…. Ugh! Tomorrow I was putting the kids between us. That seemed like a better idea. 

In the end I did fall asleep… the deep sleep that you never really remembered but just wake up groggy. Well my fears were realized, I was indeed curled into Bull’s side, but that wasn’t the worst of it, (nooo, because apparently I can’t embarrass myself without going all out.) I was drooling. A big wet patch of drool on his shoulder. Kill me now, please.

I grimaced and carefully lifted my head to find Bull… smirking at me. Ugh!

He opened his mouth and I narrowed my eyes at him. “Not a word.” I whispered as I wiped my mouth and used the blanket to dry the patch on his shoulder. It was bad enough I  _ did _ it, I didn’t want to be teased. I could feel my face burning up already. 

He closed his mouth and pressed his lips together, the edge of his eye was crinkled and I could tell he was trying not to laugh. I sighed and rolled my eyes and that seemed to break him as his shoulders started shaking and a snort escaped. 

Despite my embarrassment I found myself starting to giggle, or maybe it was because of my embarrassment? I don’t know but whatever it was we were soon both giggling… and Bull could giggle! Which only made me giggle more. The sound woke up the kids and Garth blinked blearily at us over Bull’s chest before breaking into a delighted grin. 

Meraad popped up from the other side of Bull where she must have slid off in her sleep and… “What’s funny?”

I wanted to gape at her, maybe grab her up and squeeze her tightly and cry over her first words, but I faintly remembered someone saying that making too big a deal over stuff like that would freak a kid out, so I just forced on a wobbly smile (oh my god, she was talking!!), and kept my tone casual. “Bull was just teasing me.” 

“Your Momma was giving me a bath.” Bull grinned, obviously delighted and pulled Meraad up to sit on his chest. “But drool baths aren’t my thing.”

Honestly, I couldn’t even be upset because Meraad’s nose wrinkled before she loudly exclaimed. “Ewwwwee!” 

“I was not!” I said in mock offense and grinned as I poked her ribs making her squeal and giggle. 

Kalin grumbled something unintelligible and pulled his blanket over his head and I could see Silvi peeking out from her bedroll warily. Then she saw me looking at her and pushed her blankets off before darting out the tent flap without a word. 

Well, I guess it was too much to ask for the day to remain good. I glanced over at Bull but he just shrugged and shook his head slightly.

After that we all started getting up, Garth darting out the door because he ‘needed to go’, Bull left shortly after and I watched Meraad as she carefully tried to wrap her feet but gave up on the third try and gave me a frustrated look. “I need Solas.” 

"He's probably still sleeping." I reminded her, but she just grinned and ran out of the tent.

Well, if he was still sleeping he wouldn't be for long. I followed her, slightly worried about her running barefoot in the snow but she didn’t really seem to notice and Apparently those few words in the tent were all she was willing to say as she silently woke Solas up and demanded he wrap her feet by shoving the wraps in his face. 

I'd decide to tell him later and left them as he began showing her again how to wrap her feet to happily take over cooking from Dalish who had started dough for campfire biscuits and had the leftover broth from last night’s stew set aside for gravy. I had just gotten the gravy to the right consistency when I heard Anders. 

“I need to leave, I’ve stayed too long.” 

Of course. I sighed and hung my head for a moment before standing and turning to see Anders scrambling sleepily from Dorian’s tent. Pressure on my leg made me look down to see Sage and… perfect! I scooped her up and walked over. “Good morning Anders!” I said cheerfully and then shoved Sage into his arms and began leading him over to the fire before he could say anything or start arguing. 

“I-“

I pulled his arm enough to get him to sit down and frowned at the tangled lengths of his hair. “Dorian, do you have a comb?” 

“What kind of barbarian would you think of me if I didn’t, dove?” He pulled a small comb from a pocket and handed it to me with a flourish. 

I accepted it with a grateful smile and then turned back to Anders who looked like a deer caught in the headlights. “Is it okay if I comb your hair?”

"I- what?" He looked baffled. 

"Your hair. Can I fix it? It's a mess and you have an armful of spirit cat." He still was looking at me uneasily so I sighed and gave him a… Well, I wouldn’t call it 'puppy eyes' but it has been known to help me sway people before. “It will make you feel better too.”

He swallowed and I could see his hands tighten in Sage's fur before he forced them to relax. “I… um, yes?”

I gave him a pleased smile and moved carefully to stand behind him, talking the whole time. “I used to love having my hair brushed. It’s relaxing. Would you like it trimmed too? There are some split ends here. Dorian, be a sweetheart and move the gravy further from the fire please? Shoulder length? That would make it more manageable, I think.”

He gave a tense, silent nod and I started carefully combing out his hair. It was clean, but still horribly tangled and I picked carefully at the matts, trying not to yank. Eventually, I was able to run the comb from scalp to ends without catching. I hadn't noticed, but by that point, he was leaning back slightly into my fingers, his eyes closed and a blissed out expression on his too thin face. 

I smiled to myself at being able to give him this and accepted the scissors from Cole when he handed them to me with a smile. 

I put to use all the four years of college that Haley didn’t have the money to get her hair cut professionally and ended up bribing me with M&M’s to trim her hair for her. I cut it the same length I had seen him wear in Dragon age two, just in case he didn’t want it too short. 

Once I was finished, I ran my fingers through his hair to make sure there weren't any more tangles, then gently braided it back out of the way, tying it off with a piece of twine Cole produced. I patted Anders' shoulder and stepped back, but the second my hands left him he let out a sound that was almost a whine. I blinked at him as his eyes flew open and he blushed, looking mortified.

"Soft, soothing, silken slow, warm and real, kindness in the fingers. How long since someone touched with softness?" Cole murmured next to me and I immediately felt my heartbreak all over again. 

“It’s alright.” I said gently and laid a hand on his shoulder. “Would you like some tea?”

He looked like he was about to refuse but then closed his mouth and then cocked his head slightly… like he was listening to something. His forehead creased and then he blinked and looked at me intently. “He trusts you.”

By ‘he’ I gathered he meant Justice, which… “That’s good.” I smiled at him, I really wasn’t sure if it was good or not but it seemed better than him not trusting me and taking control from Anders again.

I moved around the fire and checked on the biscuits and then poured a cup of tea for Anders, before dishing him a plate of biscuits and gravy. He looked startled when I pushed it into his hands. “You, uh, weren’t joking when you said you wanted to feed me.” 

“I don’t joke about food.” I said brightly. “I’m the cook.” 

I smiled encouragingly and he slowly began to eat, probably still feeling a little full from last night, it’ll take time for his body to get used to eating regular meals again. I then busied myself with handing out plates to everyone. It felt good to be cooking. Silvi acted like she was going to shove the plate away when I offered her one, but I raised my eyebrows at her and she hesitated, then took the plate with a muttered word in alamarri. That… was an improvement? 

Bull came over and got a plate from me and settled down to eat, conveniently placing himself between the kids and Anders, but it didn’t work as well as he seemed to hope.

Garth and Meraad seemed to be conferring with each other and then Garth piped up, leaning way out to see around Bull’s side. “Are you running from the shiny men too?” 

Anders stilled with his fork halfway to his mouth and I held my breath hoping I wasn’t about to have to talk down Justice again. Bull frowned and nudged Garth's plate, “Eat.”

“I am.” He said and shoved a bite of biscuit into his mouth, then talked around it. “Momma Rae and Bull keep them away from us. Except the C’mmander, but Momma Rae says he’s okay even though she helps us hide from him.” 

Anders’ eyes darted between me and Garth and then…. he set aside his plate and stood. “I need to go.”

“But you din’t eat.” Garth protested. “You should eat it while it’s there.” 

Meraad nodded and patted her belly, sticking it out in emphasis. 

“I-“ Anders’ eyes were still darting from me to the kids and to Bull and I saw Bull’s hand tense on his plate and I was fully aware he could turn that plate into an assault weapon very easily if Anders lost control and-

I stepped in between Anders, Bull, and the kids. “Anders, let's walk, okay? Will Justice be okay walking with me for a minute?” I asked gently, because the last thing I wanted was for Justice to make an appearance in front of the kids.

His eyes unfocused slightly before he took a shaky breath and nodded. I smiled and carefully led him by the arm away from the fire, trying to ignore the way Bull remained tense. I didn’t want him to worry but Anders needed help and right now I was the only one who could help him… and Justice. Though truth be told I was still upset with Justice for his part in the Chantry explosion. 

We walked a ways but still remained in sight of the camp. I was under no illusions that we weren’t being watched. I stopped and turned to look at Anders. But when I opened my mouth he rushed forward to speak frantically.

“You can’t- You can’t just… let us around your children. Let us- If you are hiding from templars, I will bring them right to you.”

“Anders-“ I started but he cut me off running a hand over his hair and starting to pace. 

“I’m grateful, I am! But- if I- I can’t control-“

“Hey!” I stepped forward and took one of his hands, stopping his pacing. I could feel how tense he was through his fingers. “It’s alright. You’re not-“

“He’s not Justice anymore!” He said with an air of desperation, as if begging me to understand? “He-“

“Bull is there.” That was one thing I was certain of, no matter what. Bull would protect the kids. “Everyone in that camp would give their life to keep the kids safe.” 

Anders shook his head and pulled his hand away and began pacing again. “Justice… he-”

“Let me speak to him.” 

“What?!” Anders’ question echoed my own mental scream but… really how best to ensure you’re on the same page with a spirit than to speak directly with said spirit?

“Just… let me speak to him and if I can’t get a promise from him or feel that he’s safe enough to be around the kids I’ll give you a pack of food and things you’ll need and you can go… but if I can I would like you to stay with us.” I reasoned, gently. 

Anders closed his eyes tightly, his hands going up to cradle his head. “No! I- I can’t-“ he shuddered and immediately blue lines started to crack through his skin. His eyes opened and they spilled blue light, “ _ You are either very brave or stupid mortal.” _

Ah… “Yeah.” I said lamely, my voice wavering slightly. Justice radiated power and… malice. “I need Anders to stay. I can help him and you.”

Justice scoffed and looked me up and down with a sneer and I forged ahead because yeah, I was either brave or stupid and I was heavily leaning towards the latter. Why couldn’t I ever keep my mouth shut? “The Avvar know how to separate spirits safely from people. You could go back to the fade if you want, or maybe find another form that isn’t fighting you all of the time. But for that to happen, Anders needs to be healthy and strong. He needs to stay with us so he can rest, and eat, and be safe while we get you to the Avvar.” 

Justice’s eyes narrowed on me. “ _ You… speak truth. Or speak what you believe is the truth. But I am trapped at this side and I am too bonded to Anders to leave him.”  _ Justice turned and put his hands behind his back. “ _ He would not do well without me _ .”

I frowned at his back. “Are you sure you're Vengeance because you sound a lot like arrogance to me?” 

Justice whirled and glared at me, his light flaring angrily. “ _ I am Justice!” _

“Are you? Are you really?” Hi, Rae? A word? This is your sense of self preservation telling you to Shut Up! “You were Justice, but Anders is angry. So, so angry. Even if you truly think he won’t fare well without you… How are  _ you _ faring with him? Can you truly say you are still Justice? And even if you still insist that you are, what justice is there in destroying Anders’ life? Because that’s what you are doing! Driving him into the wilderness to hide and scavenge like an animal because you strayed from your purpose! Where is the justice for him?”

He was quiet, menacing, but quiet so I took a deep breath and forged on. “The Avvar can help. I know they can. You can go back to being Justice, to being what you should be. You can be Justice and Anders can be free. But in order for that to happen, in order for him to let me try to help both of you, I need you to promise you won’t hurt my children.” 

Justice bristled and opened his mouth but closed it and cocked Anders' head as if thoughtful.  _ “Everyone in this camp fears. The Horned one fears. We are a realization of a fear but not his greatest fear. The children fear… loss of another home, another caretaker. The soldiers fear the unknown. The elvhen fears change. But you…”  _ he narrowed his eyes on me _. “You fear… but not for yourself. I was wrong. You are brave.” _

_ “ _ Uhh… Thank you?” That… was random and off track. “Promise you won’t harm my children or anyone under my command.” Well, didn’t I sound like a fearless leader? “Leave Anders’ mind to himself for this trip and let him have some peace. Once we reach the Avvar we can speak their Augurs to try to find a solution. A way for Anders to live his life without fear and for you to find your purpose again.”

Justice cocked his head again and gave me a curious look. “ _ You would take the word of a Spirit? _ ” I jerked my chin in a nod and he frowned at me for what felt like a full minute before jerking his own chin. “ _ Very well. I agree to your terms. Anders’ mind shall be his own and I shall not interfere until such time as I am called. _ ” He paused for a moment before continuing quieter. “ _ You have given me much to think about. _ ” 

I- what? I didn’t get a chance to ask him what he meant. The light faded from Anders’ face and he slumped slightly, stumbled as he came to himself. I rushed forward to steady him and keep him from toppling over. 

“What-?” He shook his head as if trying to regain his senses and then looked at me in relief. “You’re alright.”

I smiled and patted his arm, “Yeah. Justice promised to leave you alone and not to make an appearance until after we get to the Avvar.”

Anders blinked at me. “You- you got him to-?”

I nodded. “He promised to not take control again until we get to the Avvar and are able to talk to their Augers.” I didn’t know how much he was able to see when Justice was in control so I gave him a run down. “They know how to separate a mage and Spirit safely, I would like you to come with us.”

Anders' eyes widened and I saw the slightest flash of hope before he shut it down and shook his head. “That’s not possible.”

I could argue with him but really he just needed to relax now. “Hey you won’t know for sure unless you check it out right? What could it hurt?”

Anders actually laughed slightly and an exhausted sort of laugh . “I guess, I wouldn’t be any worse off than I already am.”

“Exactly.” I smiled and then jerked my head back towards the camp. “So now, how about we finish eating now that you don’t have to worry about Justice? Then you can get some more sleep if you feel like it or just hang out? It doesn’t look like we are going anywhere today.”

He nodded but gave me a funny look. "Who did you say you were again?"

"Rae. I'm the cook." I shrugged a shoulder. "I make excellent french toast, adopt kids, and apparently a few strays too."

He huffed a quiet laugh as I led him back to the camp. "An interesting record. How did a cook end up out here?"

"I…" Didn't want to say. "Married a mercenary." Vague… self explanatory… right?

"Which one? The elf? The tevinter?" He glanced at me curiously.

"Um. Bull. The qunari…"

He actually froze mid step and looked me over. "How… does that even work?!" Then he blushed and shook his head. "Please forget I asked that." 

I snorted through my own flush… because that… that was hilarious. “Carefully. Very carefully.” I didn’t think Bull would mind me ribbing him a little with that. 


	40. Chapter 40

The next few days were… interesting to say the least. Anders kept giving Bull funny, appraising looks when Rett would flirt with me, which… to be honest was hilarious! Especially since Bull didn’t get the reason why and then would give me a baffled look when I would snort or giggle. 

We finally got back on the road, though I had to double up with Bull (poor horse) or Dorian and we gave Anders our extra horse to ride. Silvi was tasked with leading my horse until its back was healed, and by the time we would stop for camp, Silvi would drag herself through caring for the horse, and then would collapse and sleep till I woke her up for dinner. I felt a little horrible for her getting worn out but… it was a lesson and something she had to learn. Better for her to be a little tired now and to learn to think things through than to accidentally kill someone with a prank later. 

Bull continued to sleep in the tent with me and the kids and despite putting Meraad between us, I still woke up nearly every morning curled into his side, thankfully not drooling on him again though. 

Anders seemed to be adjusting fairly well, though Bull was still wary of him despite Justice’s promise, which I understood completely. About the third day on horseback, Anders finally seemed comfortable enough to talk as we rode. Today, I was riding behind Dorian, who was testing my ability to hold a controlled flame while the horse was trotting. Much easier said than done seeing as when a horse trots it’s jarring and without stirrups to keep myself stationary I was bouncing everywhere and I had to dispel the flame every few seconds after conjuring it to grab hold of Dorian to keep myself upright. 

“How old were you when you manifested?” He asked in clear confusion after watching me try a few times. “You should have started training your control long before now.”

“Oh. Um.” I paused, unsure exactly how long I had been in Thedas.

“Right after the breach. Threw up a barrier.” Bull supplied and shrugged when I looked at him. 

Anders frowned, “But… was it a side effect of being directly exposed to the fade or-?” He cut himself off. “How was your life before? Were you noble born? If you never were triggered- and a barrier? No fire? No frost? Just a barrier? It’s unheard of to manifest so late and have such a… non destructive manifestation.”

“I was- am a cook.” I said and suddenly felt like crying. “I grew up with my family, and went to school to be a cook.” I hadn’t realized how long I’ve gone without thinking about my family. 

Anders seemed to realize that I was having a moment so didn’t continue the conversation though you could tell he wanted to, he was practically vibrating with questions, but I was grateful to him for not pressing just yet. 

Instead he seemed to quell his curiosity by helping Dorian with my training. So now I was going to be learning healing spells! This was something I did not object to, as it was useful and I would much rather be learning that kind of magic than fighting spells. 

We stopped to camp and once again Silvi collapsed once the horse was brushed, fed, and the wound tended. I started to get things out to cook but a snowball pelting my shoulder made me freeze, open mouthed, and I turned to find a flushed but grinning Meraad. Well, that started it.

I forwent cooking in favor of a snowball fight with the kid and a few of the Chargers. Even Bull joined in, and helped me teach the kids how to make a snowman. It was… fun and I was breathless from laughing by the time we stopped to eat. I didn’t think the kids ever saw snow as anything other than cold. 

Supper was decent, apparently the Chargers listened to my speeches about food, and Silvi sleepily but ravenously ate with us, even letting Meraad press up against her side for warmth. After supper, Skinner came up to teach the kids their practice weapons, and after a long minute, I saw Silvi scowl and stomp over to her, then shuffle her feet in the snow. 

“I… wish to train with you. You are fierce.” 

Skinner raised her eyebrows. “Why should I teach you? You have been quite troublesome for us all.”

Silvi looked defeated and started to turn away, but Skinner spoke again.

“I asked a question. Why should I teach you?”

Silvi paused and scrunched up her face in thought before kicking at the snow again. “You should not. I was… rude.”

“Will you listen to me?”

Silvi looked up hopefully. “Aye.” 

“Hmph. We will see. Show me what you know.” I watched as Skinner watched and then adjusted Silvi’s strikes and thrusts, I glanced over at Bull who had a slight smile on his face as he watched them, so it was probably alright but… she practically dragged herself to the tent and collapsed into her bedroll directly after Skinner called a halt.

The Chargers decided to entertain themselves by starting an arm wrestling competition and it wasn’t long before we were all gathered around watching them. Soon, the other kids all started yawning and Solas picked up Meraad, who pouted slightly but buried her head sleepily against his shoulder, and took Garth’s hand, “I will put them to bed Lethallan.” 

I gave him a grateful smile and then tapped Kalin’s shoulder, he made a face but followed Solas without complaint.

I watched as Grim and Rocky faced off, it looked pretty evenly matched as they both didn’t move… for several minutes, but you could see the strain of their muscles as they pushed against each other. Finally Rocky seemed to get the upper hand and was able to win the angle on Grim and slowly worked his arm down to lay flat against the crate they were using. 

After some cheers and backslaps, both got up to make way for Dalish and Skinner who faced off and I frowned and walked over to where Bull was watching sitting on the ground and leaning his back against a rock, and tapped his shoulder, “I thought Rocky won?”

Bull hummed, “He did, but this way he gets some time to rest before going at it again.”

Oh, that made sense, “So he doesn’t wear himself out too early.”

“Exactly.” Bull crossed his arms and leaned back. “I bet on Krem.”

I blinked and looked at him. “You’re not going to play?”

He laughed and shook his head. “My arm is longer than theirs, Sunshine. They might match in strength but the reach would make it impossible, Get some of the Avvar or other Tal Vashoth to join and then we’ll see.”

I hummed and leaned my shoulder against the rock as well. “Well, I’d like to see how the Avvar react to you.” I never took Bull to the Frostback Basin in the game because of the spirits and now I was actually very curious what the Avvar would think of him. Eirik’s people had been respectful and distant, likely had seen Qunari mady times during Morvan’s long history of raiding Tevinter. But the people of Stone bear Hold… they probably never saw a Qunari. “what were they like? The first time?” I asked quietly so only he could hear me. 

Bull tilted his head slightly to glance over his shoulder at me, “They’re good people. Crazy spirit crap, but good people.”

I smiled, content that if Bull thought they were alright despite their heavily spirit influenced culture, they obviously treated him and everyone with us well. 

Skinner won this round and then Stitches and Rett faced off, Rett smirking self assuredly as he placed his elbow on the crate and then sent me a wink. I rolled my eyes but laughed. 

As they started I noticed Bull’s hand kept coming up to scratch at the base of one horn, the skin there was reddish even against the dark gray pigment of his skin. 

“Hey, stop scratching it.” I slapped his hand away before I realized what I was doing and then stuttered out an apologetic, nervous: “You’ll… make it worse.”

Bull grumbled but didn’t look upset that I slapped his hand, only uncomfortable… which, who wouldn't be? I felt a little nervous ball inside my stomach unwind because… well, it was another bit of proof that ‘Kitchen Bull’ was the real Bull. I bit the inside of my cheek as my eyes kept straying to the irritated skin. “um… do you have any… horn balm?”

Bull looked back at me and opened his mouth to say something but a jar of something herbal smelling was suddenly held up in front of my face and I followed the arm holding it to see a smirking Krem.

“Krem…” Bull said in a warning tone, but I took the jar and peered into it curiously.

“What’s in it?” 

“Horn Balm.” Krem smiled and turned on his heel to move around to the other side of the fire, leaving me with the jar and an exasperated Bull. 

I sniffed it again and it actually smelled kind of nice, not really pungent or anything. I smelled what could have been lavender but it was hard to tell around the other smells. I carefully took a bit out on my finger and turned to Bull… who was watching me. “You don’t have to do that.” He said quietly, but made no move to take the jar from me. 

“Uh, I can reach it easier?” It sounded stupid to my own ears so I added hastily. “Anyway, I drooled on you so… this can be my apology.” 

He made a small noise in his throat and I could see his eye searching my face and then. “It’s up to you Sunshine. You don’t have to.”

I fiddled with the jar for a moment. “I… I know.” I put on a smile. “Besides, I’m curious.” 

Bull actually huffed but nodded and turned around and leaned his head back slightly to give me better access. 

I was careful as I took a bit from the jar and dabbed some of it on the inflamed skin he had been scratching. It was like a thick lotion, the kind that takes forever to work into your skin. I noticed a lot of skin that was flaking and dry around the base of his horns which… I frowned. “When’s the last time you used any of this?”

Bull made a grunting noise. “S’been a while.” 

I looked down at the jar and then got a little more out, “All around your horns are dry, I don’t think this cold weather is helping either.” I started spreading the lotion around the base of both horns, his hair was short which made it a whole lot easier not to get it everywhere, and then began massaging the thick cream into the skin. 

“Does it need to go on the horns too?” I asked quietly, focused on not accidentally using too much pressure on the irritated skin. He needed to take better care of himself.

“No… just the base.” Bull said keeping absolutely still, probably so he didn’t accidentally whack me with a horn. “The horns are good, don't feel anything except for the base.” 

I worked at a dry area, massaging the lotion in and Bull’s head tilted slightly towards where my hands were working and I stopped to ask if I was hurting him but as soon as I pulled my hands away he made a sound much like Anders had when I had been brushing his hair. Okay. That uh, that was an answer. I huffed an amused, quiet laugh, and kept massaging the lotion in, though I couldn't help a tease. “I’m surprised you’re not purring.” 

Bulls voice was a content mumble and I could imagine his eye closed as he spoke. “Not far off, Sunshine.”

“Well, I’ll just have to put in more effort.” I laughed and moved to work the front part of where his horns and skull met. This gave me a full view of his face and… it was what I could only describe as blissful. His eye was closed and his lips were parted slightly as his head was tilted back. It reminded me of what someone looked like when getting their hair shampooed at the hair salon. It… made me happy to be able to make him feel good like that.

There was a cheer and Bull opened his eye to glance at the Chargers and I quickly refocused on his scalp so he didn’t see me staring at him like a creep. 

Rett had won the arm wrestle match and swaggered over to drop down and sit on the log close by. “I’m offended, my lady.” 

I cocked an eyebrow at him but continued working the skin of Bull’s scalp. “Oh, really?”

“You were not watching! I was putting in some effort for your entertainment.” He was practically pouting. “And you would rather rub his horns.”

I snorted even through my blush, that sounded way dirtier than it should. “I mean… they are impressive?” Oh. Crap. That sounded even dirtier. Bull kindly didn’t do more than quirk a smirk. 

Rett chuckled. “Ah, you wound me, my lady! I may not have such an… impressive rack, but I would say I am at least as good with my hands as you seem to be.” 

Oh! That was- I was furiously blushing now. I had mostly gotten used to his flirting but this was decidedly off color and Bull’s face was right there. “You-” what was that horrible line Haley used to use? “Have no idea how good I can be with my hands?” It came out as a question. 

Bull snorted suddenly and… yeah that didn’t come out as I had hoped. I gave him an embarrassed glance and he held up his hands. “No, no. you’re uh, doing ‘great’. Don’t let me interfere.” 

Rett chuckled and cocked his head. “And what must I do to get a demonstration, my lady?” He was practically purring and I was suddenly wishing my hair would magically grow so I could use it as a curtain. My face felt on fire.

“I…” suddenly realized we were practically in public and glanced around nervously, only to catch Anders’ eyes. He was literally gaping in Rett’s direction. I suddenly realized how this looked especially since I had told him that Bull was my husband. I don’t know why I felt a sudden streak of mischief but his face was hilarious. “Maybe you could try and grow a pair… of horns.” Oh god, that was horrible.

Bull’s lips pressed together and his eye squeezed shut as he was obviously trying not to laugh. 

Rett just snorted and grinned. “Ah, but if you ever desire to learn what it is like without a pair… of horns my tent is just over there.” 

I heard a choking sound and glanced over to see Anders had spit his drink and was giving Rett a look that practically yelled ‘have you gone mad?!’ 

It was hilarious and Bull looked like he thought it was too, so… I sighed about as dramatically as I could as I capped the jar and handed it to Bull. “Maybe some other time, Rett. I’ve got a date tonight.” I said before impulsively leaning down slightly and placing a light kiss on Bull's cheek just under his eyepatch. 

He went utterly still and his mouth opened slightly but he didn’t say anything and… crap my face was flaming! I was terrible at this. “G-goodnight!” I stood and beat a hasty retreat from the fire, willing myself not to run because… what the heck was I thinking?! 

I didn’t get far before I heard Bull exhale heavily and groan out a soft ‘ah crap.’

That only made it worse! My face was still flaming by the time I made it to our tent and Solas was just stepping out. “Hi, Solas. Goodnight, Solas.” I said quickly moving past him and ducking into the tent, hoping he didn’t see how red my face still was as I practically dove onto my bedroll and pulled the covers over my head. What the heck was I thinking?!

There was a long pause before Solas spoke and I could  _ hear _ the laughter in his voice. "Goodnight, Rae." 

I wanted to slap myself; what was I thinking? I couldn’t flirt to save my life! Bull was laughing at me. Gah, I probably looked like an idiot. And then to make matters worse I had kissed him… why did I kiss him?! 

"He wasn't laughing at you. He thinks you were adorable. He was laughing at you teasing Anders." Cole whispered helpfully from right beside my bed roll. “Teasing, laughing, healing. Bolder, brighter, brilliant. A Rae of Sunshine."

I peeked my eyes out of the blanket. "Was that… a pun?"

“Yes… and no.” Cole smiled slightly. “Goodnight.” And then he was gone. 

“Goodnight.” I sighed, knowing he’d still hear me and flopped back onto the bedroll. My face didn’t feel as hot as before but I knew I was still blushing. God, how was I supposed to face him tonight? 

I was very grateful that all the kids were sound asleep already but unfortunately I was still wide awake by the time Bull ducked into the tent. He paused when he saw me still awake and… “I’m sorry.” I blurted out before I could think the better of it. 

He winced and shook his head, speaking quietly but in an upbeat tone. "Nothing to be sorry for. Should have seen that mage's face. Looked like he was going to choke when Rett watched your butt as you left." 

Oh he… “He did?” 

Bull chuckled and started to lay down, gently shifting kids to make room. "Yeah. Think he caught the joke too because he said I was lucky loud enough to make the mage spit again."

I allowed myself a sigh of relief that Bull wasn’t upset, that he had actually gone along with it and then giggled. “Oh, I wish I saw that!” I laid back on the bedroll and tried to stifle my giggles as I tried to imagine Anders' face. 

Bull huffed and I rolled onto my side and propped up on my elbow to look at him. “I should’ve asked before I kissed you though, sorry for dropping that on you.”

He huffed again and tucked one arm behind his head. “Nah, It’s fine. Thanks for applying the horn balm. You didn’t have to do that, you know.”

I smiled. “I didn’t mind. It smelled good to be honest. What kind of oils are in it?” 

He told me and I had to blink because… Thedas has Lavender! Or at least the equivalent of Lavender. I was going to place the biggest order when we got back to Skyhold. Hopefully my pay was still ongoing because it should be a nice little something by the time we got back


	41. Chapter 41

I woke to coughing… ragged coughing that had me jumping up and instinctively searching for the source. Garth was coughing, 

Bull was already awake and though he hadn’t gotten up, the back of his hand was against the back of Garth’s neck. “He’s running a slight fever.” He whispered, probably so he didn’t wake up the others. 

I felt dread suddenly curl in the pot of my stomach. Garth was coughing and fevered. We just came from the Fallow mire. What if one of us brought back a germ? I didn’t have antibiotics. What if-?

“Hey.” Bull’s voice was quiet but I looked at him as one of his hands lightly patted my shoulder. “It’s probably just a cold. They played pretty hard yesterday and breathing hard in the cold air probably did it. He’s been in a Circle mostly, so he’s less acclamented than the others. He’ll be fine.”

Oh, I felt myself relax slightly but I was still worried, what did they do in Thedas for colds? “Would… should I get Solas? Or Anders?” I asked quietly then glanced at Meraad and Kalin. “Should I get them out of here? He might be contagious.” Last thing we needed was for everyone to get sick. 

“They’ve already been exposed to whatever he has.” Bull said quietly, with a reassuring smile. “It takes a few days for germs to uh… incubate.” 

I blinked at him and then laughed quietly, because of course he has more experience with this than I do and probably learned all of that the first time around. “Sorry, I’m just…” I ran a hand over my face. “So what do I need to do?”

“Tea. If you have any of that ginger root in your spice box. Maybe some broth.” 

“Yeah, I have it.” I allowed myself a small smile of relief that at least he knew what needed to be done and I wasn’t floundering like I probably would have been otherwise. “Do we-? Should I use the honey?”

“Yeah. That cough will make his throat sore.” Garth let out another loud cough and Bull soothed his hand over his back. I looked over to see Silvi looking at Garth with wide eyes, her head lifted up out of her bed roll. 

I tried to give her a reassuring smile before I ducked out of the tent. Tea, ginger and honey. It wasn’t quite morning yet and Grim and Rocky were on watch but didn’t say anything as I got what I needed out of the cart and went to work boiling water for tea.

When I got back with the tea, Bull woke Garth up to drink some and then since it was still dark, we all laid back down. And Bull whispered over Garth's head that was tucked into his shoulder. “We can stay here for a few days until it passes so we don’t spread it to the hold.”

I nodded and laid my head down on his arm which had been doubling as my pillow most of the time and soothed my hand over Garth's back as he started to cough again. Just a cold… how dangerous were colds in Thedas? Despite my worry I was able to fall into a restless sort of sleep. 

I woke to Bull shifting to rub Garth’s back as he woke up and started coughing again. I got up and retrieved the rest of the tea, warming it with a spell then handing it to Garth to drink. 

“M’ head hurts.” He mumbled before taking a few sips and tucking his head back into Bull’s shoulder. 

I was wondering if I should ask Anders or Solas to come check on him but… Anders was probably the best suited through his work in Lowtown but Bull didn’t really trust him. I bit my lip before looking at Bull and asking carefully. “Anders is a healer. Is it alright if I ask him to look at him?”

“You want… the demon possessed mage to look at your kid?” 

Crap. “He’s… he helped people in Lowtown who were sick,” I hazarded, “he might know how to heal it quickly? I mean… if he can, isn’t it better to heal him now than just… let him suffer? Because it’s just a cold?” I had dropped my eyes so I wasn’t looking at him, so I had no clue how he was taking what I was saying and… I was kinda scared to look up. The kids were here but… I knew he was very protective of them. “I think… if he’s ours we are responsible for that.” 

He stilled. I wrung my hands nervously and then crossed them after he didn’t say anything for a few moments. “I mean… you have just as much right to say no and I wouldn’t unless you were okay with it. I mean they… were technically yours before they were mine and… I’m sorry.” 

Bull shifted slightly before- “Thank you.”

What? I looked up to see him holding Garth but… smiling. A soft, dare I say, emotional smile. “I… didn’t do anything.” 

He huffed and then swiped at a suspiciously damp eye. “Yeah, yeah, ya did.” He then jerked his chin in a nod. “Alright, if he knows how to ease it he can.” 

I let out a small sigh of relief before I leaned forward and hugged his shoulder. “Thank you, Bull. I’ll be right back.” I jumped up and rushed out of the tent before he could change his mind. 

Everyone was starting to wake up but Anders and Dorian were still in their tent so I went over to the post and rapped my knuckles against it. “Hey, Anders?” 

I heard a mumble but then it was quiet and I knocked again but no one answered. “Anders? Dorian?” There was a mutter like someone half asleep and- “Anders?” I stuck my head into the tent only to freeze in open shock at the sight of Anders being used as a bony teddy bear by Dorian.

Well. 

Okay?

I blinked and shook my head. “Anders.” I cautiously poked his foot and he flew up, scrambling back and away from me and also waking Dorian in the process, who blinked blearily and looked at me. “Oh… good morning, dove.”

I snorted slightly at his completely natural tone even as Anders was clearly blushing at the other side of the tent. “Good morning, can I borrow Anders?” 

Dorian yawned and laid back down. “Send him back when you’re done. He’s surprisingly warm.” 

Anders seemed to collect himself and nodded. “I’ll be out in just a minute.” 

I smiled and thanked him before ducking back out of the tent. And walking over to the fire where Krem was sitting. “Hey, Garth caught a cold. Bull said we could stay put for a day or two to let him get over it.” 

Krem nodded easily and offered me a cup of tea he just poured. “Alright. I’ll let the boys know. Anything I can get you? Stitches has a mint kind of poultice for colds, works better than most things I’ve tried.”

“Yes please, if he has any to spare.” I gave him a grateful skill and took a sip of the tea… only it was really strong like Bull liked. Well I could take him a cup. “A broth might help too, do we have any more fresh meat?” 

Krem smiled and nodded. “Skinner shot a ram last night.”

“Perfect.” I started planning what I needed for a simple broth with rice when Anders came out. “Rae? You needed me for something?” 

I gave him a worried smile. “Garth is sick. I… was hoping you would be willing to check on him?”

He frowned and I could see him slipping quickly into healing mode as his shoulders straightened. “What kind of sick? Fever?”

I nodded. “A slight fever and cough, It looks like a cold but I’d feel better if you’d check. And if you could shorten it I would be very grateful.”

“Of course.” Anders agreed readily and took a step towards the tent but then paused and gave me a concerned look. “Your… um, husband is alright with this? Justice said we make him uneasy.” 

Hus-? Oh yeah, I may have laughed a little bit. “I talked to him first, he’s alright.” I gave him a reassuring smile. “Give me a moment to refill this cup and we can go check on him okay?”

Anders didn’t look very reassured but he nodded and I turned to hold out the cup to Krem who was holding out the pot to me and… he was smirking. “What?”

He shook his head and smiled. “Nothing.” I squinted at him and he laughed and held up his hands. “Honest, I was just thinking about Chief.” 

“Uh huh.” I raised an eyebrow at him and did a ‘I’m watching you’ gesture with my hand and that only made him laugh again, then turned back to Anders and smiled. “Thank you for doing this.” 

He smiled back but still looked uneasy as we ducked into the tent. Meraad was up now and was searching for one of her footwraps, Silvi looked like she was just about to duck out the door but stopped when we came in. 

I gave her a smile and then knelt down, handing the strong tea to Bull then put my hand on Garth’s cheek, he still felt a little warm. “Hey sweetheart, Anders is going to look at you for a moment, okay?”

Garth nodded and gave me a tired look. “My head hurts.”

“I know, baby.” I smiled apologetically and then glanced back at Anders. 

He gave Bull an uncertain glance but knelt down too. “Hello, I’m going to see if I can make you feel better alright?” Garth nodded and Anders smiled at him encouragingly. “You’re going to feel a little tingly but it’ll be alright; imagine it’s just all the things making you feel bad going away.” 

My heart may have melted slightly at the ease Anders had when dealing with children and magic. I glanced at Bull who was watching him very intently the whole time but didn’t say anything as he began to glow slightly and pressed a gentle hand to the back of Garth's head. I could see Garth's shoulders relax slightly as what I assumed was his headache disappeared. 

“Does your head hurt anymore?” Anders asked his eyes closed in concentration but his voice was gentle. Garth shook his head and Anders smiled. “I’m going to try and make your chest feel better to alright? Same tingly feeling but it will make everything feel better.” 

Bull and I watched as Anders worked on healing Garth and I shot Bull a grateful look when Anders pulled away and smiled at Garth. “That was very brave, you did very well.” 

Garth smiled back at him. “Thank you.” He then looked at me and Bull. “Can I go play?”

Bull huffed a laugh but shook his head, “You need to eat and stay out of the cold for a bit lil’man.” 

Garth started to open his mouth to protest but Anders tapped his arm lightly. “Your father’s right. I made you feel better but your body still needs rest and food.” He then winked at him conspiratorially. “I bet you will be treated like a prince today. Getting you meals brought to you, getting to draw all day? Hmm? That sounds fun, doesn't it?” 

Garth made a face at him but nodded with a sigh. “Being a Merc’s funner though.” 

Bull chuckled and reached out to ruffle Garth's hair. “Not yet kid, momma Rae would kill me.” 

I laughed and then gave Anders another grateful smile and then gave him a quick hug. “Thank you.” 

Anders' hands fluttered in surprise for a second as he gave Bull a wary look. “I… um, you’re welcome?” He backed up and then quickly ducked back outside. 

I looked back and Bull who was smirking slightly. “Thank you for trusting him.”

Bull shook his head and huffed. “I didn’t trust him. I trusted you, there’s a difference.”

Oh. “Thank you.” That was kinda big, wasn’t it? 

Bull didn’t answer but instead ruffled Garth's hair again and stood, picking up Meraad with him. “I’ll go make sure breakfast is going.”

He ducked out and I stared after him, unsure why I felt… touched? I felt touched, honored even that he would trust me. He was the one that made it clear that me and the Rae he and Solas knew before was different. That he would trust me, knowing that-

“Can I color?” Garth asked, pulling me out of my thoughts. 

I smiled down at him and smiled. “Of course. I’ll get your paper and colors.” 

He looked happy with that and sat down to begin shaking Kalin awake, who had somehow slept through the whole thing. 

There was a rustle of fabric and I looked back just in time to see Silvi slip out the tent flap. Probably going to take care of the horse. She had stayed in the tent the whole time, had stayed quiet and just watched. Progress?

The rest of the day was mostly spent with Garth and the other children in the tent. Meraad didn’t want to leave Garth, so she stayed with him. Kalin went outside for a while but came back in to draw with them. Only Silvi remained outside the tent the whole day. Bull brought out meals, he had made a big pot of soup with the ram, rice, and onions like I had suggested to Krem. 

Solas came in shortly after waking up to check on Garth. His visit resulted in us sitting in the middle of the tent in a impromptu reading lesson when Meraad brought one of their primer books over to him and demandingly sat in his lap and shoved the book directly into his face. “Read to me?” 

Solas blinked at her, a delighted smile on his face at her speaking and apparently could not resist her and soon he had almost everyone taking turns reading aloud… that included me. I was getting better though, much to my own happiness. I read a complete paragraph before I had to stop because I didn’t recognize the word.

After a while Bull came back into the tent and sat down with Meraad and Garth and began coloring with them, Kalin was just outside of the tent with Solas as they worked on his reading on his own. It felt… domestic almost. It was weird but… somehow this had become my normal.

How did that happen? 

I watched Bull as he colored with Garth and Meraad, he was involved and giving them his complete attention. Sometimes gushing over a bird, a tree, or (in Garth’s case) an axe that they drew. It was easy to see that he slipped into the roll of dad… and the kids loved him. 

Meraad climbed up and was trying to see if her color would show on his horn and he let her do it with ease… it did show. And he sat still with the patience of a saint as both Garth and Meraad entertained themselves by coloring bands of different colors onto Bull’s horns. 

It was adorable and- Bull glanced over at me and smiled and I realized I had been staring at him instead of studying the book in my lap like I had planned. I looked away and tried to ignore the heat in my face at my embarrassment. 

I cleared my throat and stood, “I’m gonna go check on…Silvi.” Yes, I was making an excuse to get out of the tent, but I was legitimately concerned about her. It just worked out like that. I set the book down on my bedroll. “You alright with them for a bit?”

Bull nodded, accidentally jarring the kids as they worked on his horns. Meraad gave an exasperated sigh before pointing at his face seriously. “Don’t move.” 

It was… Bull was sitting in the tent while the kids put multi-colored wax on his horns. It was amazing and adorable and I was dangerously close to making an ‘awwww’ing sound. 

I made myself duck out of the tent and headed out in search of Silvi. I found her by the horses, braiding my horse's mane in a complicated, beautiful braid I could never hope to replicate. She was softly singing a tune in alamarri as she worked and didn’t seem to notice me until she turned to grab a brush, her mouth snapped closed and she straightened and narrowed her eyes at me. 

I gave her a small smile. “That sounded beautiful.” 

She blinked like that was the last thing she expected me to say and then frowned. “I am caring for Clödbræt as I was told.” She said, defensively crossing her arms . 

“You are.” I nodded in agreement and then we stood there awkwardly. She looked about as uncertain as I felt. “Clödbræt?” I asked tentatively after a moment, and picked up the brush and moved to being brushing the horses flank, mostly to just give me something else to do other than stand there awkwardly. 

Silvi glanced between me and the horse in what looked like indecision and I tried to smile reassuringly. After a moment she went back to the mares neck and continued braiding the mane. “The Lady’s breath… the breeze.” 

“Breeze.” I smiled and soothed my hand over the mares rump. “That’s beautiful. It suits her.”

Silvi didn’t say anything but glanced over to see her looking pleased as she twisted the braids end to secure it. Clödbræt shook her mane, then turned her head to bump her nose and lip at Silvi’s pocket. Silvi made a slight laughing sound and pushed her head away but fished a handful of what looked like oats out of her pocket.

“She likes you.” I kept my voice casual as I continued brushing, I felt that if I showed too much interest Silvi might shut down.

“She should not.” Silvi murmured before she turned and walked around to step up on a fallen log conveniently nearby, and dug out a jar of salve from another pocket. She began dabbing it on the cut on Clödbræt’s back. “I hurt her.”

“That’s the amazing thing about animals.” I said quietly. “They have an unbelievable capacity for forgiveness.”

She looked down at me over Clödbræt’s back and then frowned thoughtfully. She didn’t say any more and just continued in her care for Clödbræt, but her expression was thoughtful. 

I continued brushing until she had finished and then we both walked back to the fire, neither of us speaking, but I felt like we had reached a little mile stone. I was under no illusions that everything was fine between us but she was walking next to me of her own free will. Progress.

I help Krem put together another thick soup for supper with campfire biscuits. Silvi even silently sat done and helped cut potatoes.

I was feeling very optimistic by the time supper was ready and I went back to the tent to tell everyone supper was ready to be greeted with the sight of Bull, with his horns covered in every color of a rainbow from the base to the tip of both horns. 

I covered my mouth with my hand to hide my laughter at the sight. Meraad and Garth were looking decidedly pleased with themselves and Bull… he completely owned it. Of course he did.

He wore it until the kids fell asleep and then I helped him clean them off with a warm wet cloth, since he couldn’t see them to get everything. I noticed the base of his horns were still a little flaky so I got the Horn Balm from Krem and made Bull sit down again for me to massage it in before we went to bed. 

How did my days become so freakin domestic? 


	42. Chapter 42

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m back!!! *throws out a chapter* 💖

  
  


The next few days we spent trying to cover the ground we had lost in the previous week due to accidents and illness. Anders was slowly learning to relax around them and was starting to help out with little things around camp and healing the little injuries of the Chargers. It seemed to help him relax, being able to contribute to the group.

Silvi was… easier, not exactly nicer to the other kids, but more tolerable. Meraad asked her her favorite color one night and instead of just ignoring her and stomping off as had become her habit, Silvi had actually answered that yellow was her favorite color. Now whether or not that was actually true or just because the kids had run out of their yellows while coloring Bulls horns remained to be seen, but I still tucked the tidbit away for later. 

I took turns riding with Bull, Dorian and Anders. Anders was starting to fill out with proper nutrition and I tried to set aside time in the mornings to comb out and braid his hair to make him feel better about himself. It did wonders for his self-esteem, and easily turned into a braid fest as the kids would jump in wanting their hair braided too, then Meraad would somehow talk Dalish into letting her braid her hair and by the time breakfast was finished anyone who had enough length was sporting braids of some kind. 

I was excited that my reading was coming along to the point I was able to start one of Varric's books. The infamous Swords and Shields that Dorian had borrowed from Cassandra to read. The romance was good, but the smut… was cringe worthy. I had written out a list of words to recommend Varric never use again. Dorian and Anders were supportive of my plan, as was Solas, who after a little prying, admitted that he too had read the book. I knew it! 

And Bull… I started helping him apply the horn balm every other night, the cold air was murder on his scalp, almost like chapped lips. Then I made the discovery that a back scratch made him practically melt the way Anders did when I combed his hair. It was… cute honestly. I knew I was becoming too comfortable with him if I could think anything about Bull as ‘cute’, but how could I not? He was amazing with the kids, and was becoming more involved in a way that made me suspect he was holding back before, trying not to overstep. But he had started correcting them on things and stepping in to stop their little quarrels before I could even respond, and strangely… I was alright with that. It was comforting to know I was not alone in taking care of them, to have someone else to help out and support me. (Plus, some of the quick responses he had with the kids' arguments made me think he had handled them with the other Rae's kids and knowing he knew what to do was a relief.)

After a week of traveling the snowy mountain pass gave way to the basin, And suddenly instead of snow we were trudging through mud. Somehow the snow was more tolerable, and despite the lack of snow it felt colder somehow. Most likely because now I was wet, wet and cold never mixed well.

The basin, for all the mud, was breathtaking, the trees were giants reaching toward the sky, some parts of the forest the canopy was so thick the sun didn’t have hope of getting through. 

We skirted the deeper part of the forest, but what I did see reminded me of Mirkwood from The Hobbit. Complete with giant spiders. I killed at least fifteen of the nasty creepers before we reached the river. ‘Practice’ Dorian had insisted. The plan was to camp at the river but Krem and Bull saw signs of us being watched and Bull knew enough from before that we couldn’t be certain who it was, so we ended up pushing on for the extra five hours to get to the Inquisition camp.

I was exhausted and nearly fell off from behind Anders when we got there. Harding was amazing. She had only smiled at us and led us to an area with tents already pitched, all we had to do was lay out our rolls and crawl in. 

Bull helped carry Meraad, who somehow had slept through the excitement, while I led Garth and Kalin. Silvi walked under her own power but was yawning every other minute. 

It didn’t take long to get them settled and I was taking off my mud caked boots when Bull started to leave the tent. 

“What else needs to be done?” I asked tiredly, feeling a little guilty for just wanting to collapse, because of course there was more to do. 

Bull shook his head and shot me a tired smile, "Nothing else. You can sleep."

"Where are you going?" I frowned, too tired to remember if there was anything that needed him.

"To my tent, you don't need me here." He smiled again and this time it looked like he was trying to be reassuring. 

“But I-“ I stopped myself, because what I was about to blurt out sounded pathetic. _‘But I do need you._ ’ Who said that? I was ashamed to admit that since he started sharing the tent I was sleeping better, and felt better. I didn’t stay up awake at night worrying if the kids were too cold. “It’s cold… the kids-“ I winced at how lame that sounded.

Bull looked over at Garth and Meraad who were curled together and Kalin who had his back pressed against me. He hummed and then looked back at me. “We’re in the Inquisition camp,” he reminded quietly. “My boys are good but soldiers talk.” 

Oh… he knew I wouldn’t like scandal, of course he did. And if the circumstances were different he would be right, but as things were right now, what scandal would there be that wasn’t already out there? “Let them talk. I married you. I should be able to use you as a heater at least.” I shrugged with a nonchalant smile. “Pretty sure it was in the contract.” 

Instead of laughing like I hoped, Bull looked at me intently, long enough for me to shift my weight in uncertainty. “That- I mean, only if you want to.” 

Bull blinked and then looked away from me and took a deep breath before nodding. “Alright.” He said quietly and then huffed and gave me an enthusiastic grin. “But in exchange for being a heater I want some of those candied nuts… the ones that are sweet at first and then, wham! The spice just hits your mouth.” 

I laughed in relief, happily promising him some, as he took off his knee brace and settled down on his back, Meraad and Garth moved of their own accord to press against one side of him, and I gave him a ‘see’ look. 

He huffed as I laid down and unashamedly tucked my feet under his good leg. “What? I said I was going to use you as a heater.” I laughed and pulled the blanket up around Kalin. 

He didn’t answer but he was smiling, and the air around us felt light. It wasn’t awkward or strange like it had been before and I realized something as I drifted off, curling into his side for heat. I trusted him. I truly and honestly trusted him, and not just with the kids but… with me. 

When had that happened? 

The Fade that night was quiet, and I could observe the trees without suffering through the cold, mud and spiders. 

Furby Fear was there just around one of the massive tree trunks and it was… pouting. “You don’t need me.” I blinked at it in confusion. “You don’t fear him anymore.” It said with a tinge of, was that sadness? 

I went over and sat on a log that was nearby. “No I don’t, you helped me a lot with that.” 

Furby Fear flapped its wing arms in what sounded like excitement. “I helped?”

I nodded and smiled. “You took my fear and I was able to trust.” 

The spirit made a trilling sound and flapped awkwardly but I guessed it was happy. “I helped! Like Compassion but scared!”

“I… yes. Exactly.” I decided on, he was happy about helping, so sure. 

“I can help you with more!” He trilled excitedly, Then just as suddenly stilled and looked at me with its wide eyes. “Am I Fear or Trust or Peace?” 

I shrugged and smiled at him. “Why not all? You can’t have light without darkness.” I reasoned gently. 

It flapped its stubby wing arms in distress. “Faith says that I can’t be like her because I am fear.” It fretted.

“Faith is blind but trust is earned, and there is peace when you find trust. So… all?” Was that the same faith that would help them against the Nightmare? Or a dif-

“There are a lot of Faith’s.” Furby Fear supplied helpfully. “More than before. They feed well, but are angry when we do.”

“That’s because fear weakens faith.” I reasoned thoughtfully. “But trust can be stronger after fear?” 

Furby Fear made a flapping gesture again. “You Trust me? You gave me fear but I gave you trust!”

It’s excitement over that was sightless contagious, even if it was in the form of a furby. I woke feeling light and stretched against Bull’s side.

“Good dream?” He huffed, meaning he was already awake.

“Um… yeah.” I didn’t think he wanted to hear about anything spirity, but I turned around to look at him. “Why?”

He gave a shrug and rubbed at his eye. “You were giggling.”

I winced. “Sorry, I woke you up.”

He smiled and shook his head slightly, “You didn’t. We got in late, so we let you and the kids sleep.” 

Oh, that was… really nice of him. “Thanks.” I gave him a little smile and sat up, stretching my arms over my head and arching my back. “What do we need to do today?” 

He gently moved Meraad off of his chest so he could sit up too. “No traveling today, but there’s a stack of letters that were forwarded here for you.”

I groaned and hung my head then shook it at the tickling sensation of my hair on my forehead, I hated bangs. “I hope they don’t expect anything too detailed, because I’m half convinced to just send out bullet points.”

Bull shrugged and started strapping on his leg brace. “Efficient. Though you might want to give Vivienne a bit more of your attention.” I blinked at him and he smiled, getting up. “Wait here.” 

I watched him disappear out the tent flap in confusion but shrugged and scooted over to pull the blankets up over Meraad, and I took the time he was gone to change my shirt, and I was about to knock the mud off my boots when he came back in. He had a mug of something steaming in one hand and a box under his arm. 

“What’s that?” I asked curiously but he just grinned and passed the mug to me. I was instantaneously hit with a very very familiar and mouth watering aroma. I felt my eyes widen as I gazed at the dark brown liquid in the mug. “Chocolate? Hot chocolate?” I asked in disbelief. “How did you get this?” 

He chuckled and then set the box in my lap. It was opened and Iron Bull was written on it but it was from Vivienne. Inside was a large glass jar with a measuring spoon and a note. I set down the mug down carefully and opened it. 

_My dear Rae,_

_I pray to the Maker you are well and have forgiven us for our deception. I have no doubt you have learned the truth of it all by now without the spirit’s interference. You are brighter than most give you credit. I have sent this for you and hope it may be a small comfort in your travels. Be safe my darling and come back to us in good health._

~~_Your devoted friend Madame_ ~~

_Your friend, Vivienne_

  
  


Vivienne sent me hot chocolate? I blinked and realized I was crying. 

Vivienne was the only one who had been truthful to me. She had told me she wore a mask and had been so kind to me when Maxwell had been his cruelest. I guess those were memories Cole didn’t take away. 

“Hey.” Bull settled down and carefully touched my shoulder. “What do you need?”

What did I need? Why was I crying? She gave me hot chocolate, I shouldn’t be crying. And I… I- “Can I… just hug… right now?” I asked haltingly through my tears.

I felt him move slowly to sit and then I was carefully pulled into his lap and was being held gently. His arms were loose and part of me knew it was so I didn’t feel trapped. And I just leaned into him, the contact was grounding and felt myself calming down. 

I still wasn’t exactly sure why I had started crying but that part of my brain that was being logical told me that it was trauma. Then I wanted to laugh at myself because Bull had been part of that but here I was begging a hug from him and crying in his lap. 

I leaned back and started scrubbing at my eyes. “Ugh… M’sorry.” 

“You’re okay.” Bull spoke quietly, his voice low and soothing, and his arms still loose. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

I sniffed and tried to dry my eyes with my sleeves. “I ugly cried on you.” I laughed lamely and looked over at the kids. It was a miracle they were still asleep. Silvi was the only one up but she was gone already. “They sleep like logs.”

"It's been a long trip. They're tough, but it's still been rough." The way he said it made me think he might be including me in that statement. 

I nodded and accepted the mug he pressed into my hands, the hot chocolate was starting to cool off but it was still warm. “Here.”

“Thanks…” I took a small sip and nearly melted as it hit my tongue. I missed this. I hummed and took another sip, then I felt a little guilty for being the only one enjoying it and offered it to him awkwardly. “You- you want to try? It… it’s really good.” Ugh, why did I have to be so awkward all the time?

"You don't have to share it." He said with a slight shake of his head. "It's for you."

"And that wasn't a 'no'." I pointed out, still holding the mug towards him insistly. I could be stubborn. 

He cocked an amused eyebrow at me. “It’s your treat to make you feel better.” 

I straightened and cocked mine right back at him, because somehow after my little meltdown I felt better. “And if sharing my treats makes me feel better?”

He laughed softly. "Then who am I to disagree?" 

I grinned triumphantly. “Right. Drink.” I pushed the mug up towards him slightly. 

"Ma'am, yes, ma'am." He snarked, but took the cup and drank a sip. His eye closed and his chest vibrated in a soft purr. Ha! 

“ _See_ , it’s amazing!” I hummed happily and took another sip from the mug. 

"Yeah." He said quietly. "My tama used to let us have a cup at the end of every month. It wasn't sweet like this though." 

Of course he knew what it was. I huffed and shook my head in mock disappointment. “And here I thought I was sharing a new experience. 

Bull chuckled and I could feel the vibrations in his chest… why was that so comforting? “The drink we had wasn’t this sweet, only just enough to take the bitter out.” 

“Like extra dark chocolate.” I sighed in contentment after another sip and cradled the mug to my chest sinking down into my seat…. then blushed when I remembered I was still in Bull’s lap. 

Thankfully he didn’t seem to mind and we shared the mug until it was gone. After that though we both needed to get moving and I decided to let the kids sleep until they naturally woke up.

The chargers had been busy and the table I usually used was set up next to the tent and there was already a stack of letters and several small bundles on its surface. “There’s no way all of this is for me.” I shook my head in disbelief. 

Krem chuckled as he came over with a plate with toast bacon and eggs and shoved it into my hand. “People miss their Momma Rae.” 

I rolled my eyes at him but didn’t answer because the food looked amazing and I was already crunching on the toast. I spotted Silvi sitting by Skinner by the fire and she had an empty plate in her hand. Good. She ate.

Before I could get to work on the letters in reports I had to go talk to Harding, and talking to Harding turned into talking to Kenric and talking to Kenric turned into looking at buckles. Which, since she had basically slept in till noon, took the remainder of the day. Because there were a lot of buckles, apparently way more than the game let on, and they weren’t nearly as far along in the research as they were in the game. 

It was nearly nightfall when I got back to the campfire and the table of letters. I was just about to get started on the first when Krem came over, caught me by my arm, and pulled me to the fire. 

“Tomorrow, Momma Rae.” He laughed as he shoved a plate of roast meat and biscuits into my hand, then sat me down in between Bull and the kids. I didn’t really mind but I hated leaving things undone. 

It was easy to forget though as the kids had quite a bit to say. Garth and Meraad were ecstatic about being in ‘a fort’, Kalin was mesmerized by the huge trees and had drawn several pictures of them. Meraad found a feather somewhere and wanted it braided into her hair, and (as it always seemed to do) that turned into a braid fest. 

Harding came over and was somehow dragged into it as well, now she was sporting two boxer braids. 

Silvi was the only one with longer hair in the group that didn’t get their hair braided, or in her case rebraided, but she had hung around and even fixed Meraad’s feather back in her hair more securely when it came out. Progress.

I didn’t realize I had started listing until I was practically asleep against Bulls arm and he jostled me slightly, to get me to go to the bedroll. I didn’t even remember making it to the tent.   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Missed y’all! 💖


	43. Chapter 43

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is brought to you by the awesomeness of AntlersandFangs by getting me unstuck and being an amazing beta.   
> Also shout out to my dental hygienist Allison, who may or May not have asked me when the next chapter was going to be posted while holding sharp objects in my face... lol enjoy! <3

The next morning I woke up with the sun, feeling far more rested and relaxed even. Bull was still asleep which was strange for him but I did want to wake him so I stayed laid down until he woke. Which was as soon a Silvi woke up. She glanced over at us with a strange expression before setting her jaw and looking away, slipping out of her bedroll, grabbing her bag, and out the tent flap without saying a word.

Bull woke to the sound of the tent flap. “Good morning.” I greeted him brightly as he rubbed his eye and stretched. 

“Mornin’.” He mumbled, squinting at me groggily, “You’re up early.” 

I nodded and sat up grabbing my boots to slip them on. “Yup. I slept like a rock last night.” I gave him a grateful smile as I slipped on a boot. “I might be able to get an early start on letters and reports.” 

He nodded and sat up, twisting to the side and popping his back. “While you do that I’ll see what I can do about defenses for the camps by the river. Might be able to prevent the Hakkonites from attacking altogether if they’re too well guarded.”

That was an excellent idea, also still weird that he knew things that were supposed to happen as well. “That sounds like a plan.” I smiled, and reached over to hand him his brace… it was surprisingly light for something so big. “I probably need to talk to Kenric again.” 

Bull hummed and took the brace with a smile before starting to buckle it on. “If you find him absorbed in his research you can get right behind him without him knowing, the screech he lets out is hilarious.” 

“Oh really?” I knew that, but imagining Bull having done it, which he totally would, made me laugh.

“Yup, sometimes he even does that ‘jazz hands’ reaction.” He grinned at me and I shook my head at him in amusement. I doubted I would ever get over him using earth slang. 

“I’ll have to put that to the test.” I raised my hands over my head and bowed my back in a stretch, letting out a sigh when a few of my vertebrae popped. “Maybe we can avoid a lot more conflict this go.” 

“Yeah,” Bull agreed quietly but his voice sounded distracted; I looked over to find him looking at me with a strange expression.

I frowned wondering what I could have said? He already knew I knew things so why-? and then the expression was gone and he was looking away, his eyes sliding behind me. I wondered if- 

“Where’s Silvi?” He asked suddenly, before I could say anything. 

I blinked, and started to reply that she was going to take care of the horse… until I realized we were already at the Inquisition camp and the horse was fine now… “I… don’t know.” I frown at the sudden seriousness of his tone. “Should… should I be worried?” 

Bull didn’t answer but got up and ducked out of the tent, me scurrying after him a second later and following as he made a beeline for the fire where Dalish was sitting with Anders talking. “Dalish, you seen Silvi?”

Dalish frowned but jerked her thumb towards the corral. “She headed that way, didn’t think much about it… something wrong?”

Bull didn’t answer her either but made for the corral instead. I followed and so did Anders and Dalish after casting us both concerned glances, that I could only shake my head and shrug at. I was huffing by the time we got to the corral, trying to keep up with Bull, only to literally walk into him when he came to a dead stop. “Crap.” 

It only took a moment to realize what he was referring to. C lödbræt was gone. Silvi was gone. She had grabbed her bag… she ran away. “But- Why?” 

“Dalish, get Krem and the boys together.” Bull barked and it made me jump slightly, but only from the suddenness of it. I wasn't scared and even grabbed his hand as he turned towards the other horses. 

“Bull, why would she leave? Where would she go?” I asked when he stopped and looked down at me. 

“Avaar.” He sighed but gave her a reassuring smile. “We’ll find her.” 

And then he was walking towards the horses and I made myself move to keep up with him. “I’m going too!” She had run away, and there were spiders and creatures out there… even the Hakonites could hurt her. She wasn’t with Stone Bear Hold. She was with me and there was no agreement to keep them from hurting her. I needed to go, I needed to find her. 

He looked back at me for a second and then nodded, not even questioning it. 

I felt my anxiety over her disappearance increase by the minute as we gathered up what we needed. Even though my kid was missing, we couldn’t just take off after her without supplies and weapons. No good to try and rescue her if we just got ourselves lost or killed, but each moment spent preparing felt agonizing. Where did she go? Was she okay? Did she avoid the spiders? Crap so many things could have happened to her. Why would she just put herself in danger like that?

One of the scouts saddled Bull’s horse and handed me the reins because Bull was talking to Harding. I looked over to give him a half hearted thank you, only to stop mid sentence when I recognized the boy who took the deal of a rage demon when his group was attacked and killed. “Grandin?”

He froze awkwardly when I said his name and then gave a shy little smile. “Yes, My Lady.” 

My mind was racing, knowing what he would become if… was his friend still alive? Could that be prevented? I glanced around to find Bull still talking to Harding, but Solas was standing close by watching me… had “Past Rae” prevented it? “I… um could you ride with us?“ it wasn’t much of a plan… not even a plan if I was honest, just keep him close until we figured out something that might help. “You know the area, right?”

He looked around uncertainly. “I… yes, My lady.” 

“Saddle up. Kid’s missing.” Bull snapped, and though it was probably meant for the Chargers, Grandin saluted and hurried towards a horse. 

I started to turn towards a horse but froze at the sight of Kalin standing not far off with a worried expression on his face. 

I gave a quick glance to Bull, who was walking towards me, and moved over to Kalin and knelt down in front of him. “Hey, hun. Silvi rode off and we’re just going to go find her and bring her back, okay? Stay close to Dorian.” 

He jerked his chin in a nod and turned, taking off for the tent… probably to wake the other kids but I couldn’t wait for them all. I stood and gave off a small squeak of surprise when I was lifted onto the back of a horse… right behind Krem. “Got to go, Tama.” 

And then we were off, and I clung to Krem’s waist to keep from falling as this wasn’t a leisurely ride and they were actually cantering as soon as we were out of the gate. I didn’t know how many times we stopped, a lot… like a jarring stop and go as they tracked Silvi through the valley… so far staying out of the thickest part of the forest but too close to the river for my comfort.

I didn’t realize how far we got or how long we had been riding until we stopped again and I saw the banks of the lake… and the mountain.

“She went right to them.” Bull sighed, pulling up next to Krem and me though he sounded relieved. 

“So she’s sort of safe.” I breathed out in relief. We could get her back.

“Should be.” He answered and looked thoughtful for a moment. “Krem… you and the boys head back, we’ll head up and see if they're willing to talk.”

“Uh… you sure about that, Chief?” Krem sounded uncertain but Bull just laughed and pulled his horse closer, offering me a hand over… Which ended up a lot less graceful than it sounded, switching over behind someone else without even dismounting. 

“Careful Krem, your Teventer is showing.” Then once I was situated behind him added reassuringly. “If there’s one thing Avaar value, it’s family… they’ll respect that.” He turned in the saddle carefully so not to dislodge me and nodded toward the other side of the bank. “There’s a giant over there that needs killing if y’all feel like blowing off some steam.” 

Krem frowned slightly but nodded and started giving orders for the other Chargers to follow him, casting me a small nod before pulling his horse around. And they started to- “Oh, Wait!” I twisted in my seat and pointed towards Grandin who was about to follow the rest of the Chargers back. “Grandin, could you stay with us?” I felt Bull tense slightly and I didn’t like what that probably meant. 

Grandin gave me a confused look but bowed his head with a small, “Yes my lady,” and turned his horse back to follow us. 

Us being, Me, Bull, Solas, Cole, Rett, and… Anders. I blinked, not having realized Anders had ridden with us. I barely had time to be grateful for that fact and we were riding up the slanted road. 

There were Avaar watching them warily as they got closer, but I guess when you ride up with practically an army that was cause to be wary. We got to the end of the slanted road and there was a group of Avaar blocking our path. Bull pulled up short and slid off with the ease and grace someone his size shouldn’t have but there it was, and turned to lift me off and set me down on the ground but didn’t move to continue or say anything to the Avaar that had moved to block us.

Right, because I was supposed to be the leader. I made myself step forward and clear my throat, most of these people were close to, or as tall as Bull. “Um… well met, I would ask to speak to your Thane? Please?” I winced inwardly at how weak that sounded. I was supposed to be leading these people but… yeah I was terrible at this. 

The Avvar in front of us didn’t budge or say anything, which… I threw my metaphorical hands in the air and said to heck with it. “Listen, my kid’s here, I’m here to make sure she’s alright.” 

One of them narrowed their eyes at me. “Your kid?”

“My child, Silvi.” I held his gaze stubbornly, and asked again. “May I speak with your Thane?”

The two warriors exchanged glances before parting and taking a step back to… reveal Silvi, standing a little further up the path next to none other than Svarah Sun-Hair, her eyes staring at the ground in front of her. 

“Silvi!” I rushed past the two warriors and grabbed her shoulders, checking her over for injuries. “What were you thinking?! Why would you do that?! You could have gotten hurt… the spiders, the Lurkers! There’s a giant… what were you thinking?!” I realized I had started crying and had to make myself breathe before I started going into hysterics. "Are you alright?"

Her eyes were still focused on the ground but she jerked her chin in a nod.

She didn’t say anything but it was enough for me to blow out a breath of relief. “You could have asked… If you wanted to visit I would have brought you. You didn’t have to sneak away and put yourself in danger.” I continued as calmly as I could manage but seeing as I was still crying it probably didn’t come out as calm. 

"The child came to us asking To join our clan." Svarah interrupted suddenly.

“Join the-?” I looked at her in confusion and then my heart sank like a stone. When I looked back at Silvi her jaw was tight and her lips pressed together like she was trying not to show any emotion. “Silvi?"

"She says her people gave her to you." Svarah was watching me intently.

"I- yes, I mean, her- they asked me to take care of her as my own." I said lamely, Erik hadn’t given me permission to reveal he was her father. "Her mother died and the clan she was with didn't have a hold, no other kids for her to play with."

Svarah nodded and didn’t look surprised. "There are three other children with you, none of them your blood."

"They're mine now. They needed someone." I wanted to scoop Silvi up and ride away, but I had the sinking feeling Svarah might take her from me. “I’m Rae… I’m with the Inquisition.” 

Svarah nodded again not looking surprised. “You must care much to ride out the moment you discovered her gone.” 

Care? Of course I cared. “Yes.” 

Svarah looked pleased and then turned to Silvi. “We deny your request, child. You have your clan.” 

Silvi’s eyes welled up with tears. “But they’re Lowlanders!”

“And we often bring Lowlanders in to strengthen our blood.” Svarah said firmly, then rested a hand on Silvi’s shoulder. “Your clan… is not always those of your blood. And blood is a fickle thing. The heart’s choice is more binding than birth. And her heart’s choice is you.” 

The tears in Silvi’s eyes suddenly spilled over and I wasn't prepared for her when she practically launched herself at me, nearly knocking me over and wrapping her arms around me, pressing her face into my neck. I hugged her back tightly, unsure at the sudden affection but… relieved at it.

She cried into my shoulder, speaking in Alamarri and I had no idea exactly what she was saying but they sounded like apologies or pleas… and they broke my heart, to hear them through her sobs. I just held onto her, rubbing her back and pressing small kisses to the side of her head.

The avaar seemed to move off to give us privacy, only Svarah and the man I recognized as the Auger remained. Svarah was watching on with the smallest of smiles, but I could feel the Augur’s eyes on me, searching. 

When Silvi pulled back after a few minutes, I smiled at her and took her hands in mine. “Silvi… will you come back with me? I want you to be happy and-“

She launched herself again at me and hugged me again, babbling again in Alamarri.

I laughed and squeezed her. “I’ll take that as a yes?”

Silvi started laughing wetly against my shoulder and nodded. “Yes.”

Bull walked closer and set a hand gently on her shoulder and said something in soft Alamarri that had Silvi suddenly turning and grabbing his leg in a hug. I looked at him in curiosity and he lifted a shoulder in a shrug, smiling softly. “I told her that you would never willingly give her up.” 

“The gods speak well of ye.” The Auger said suddenly, still staring blatantly at me. “You treat them with respect.” 

Um. 

Bull wrinkled his nose slightly in a weirdly adorable expression of distaste. “She does.” 

Oh! Spirits! Mages! I turned and pointed at Grandin, who was warily eyeing an Avaar warrior who was standing off to the side. “He’s a mage and he needs help.” Grandrin blinked and then opened his mouth but I rushed forward before he could say anything. “I wanted to visit to ask if you would be willing to train him… how to interact with the s-gods safely?” 

The Auger’s eyes widened slightly and Svarah actually let out a short laugh. “You would entrust one of your Blessed to us so easily?” 

I tried not to wince and glanced over at Anders who seemed zoned out… like he was in his head. “Um… more than one actually.”

“His teacher has sickened,” The Auger said gravely looking knowingly at Anders. 

I nodded. “And I know the Avvar know how to help.” 

Anders suddenly hunched over, making Bull stiffen and place himself in front of Silvi and me, but I stepped around him earning a frustrated grunt from him. 

“It’s to help both of you, Justice.” I assured him quickly as the tell tale blue cracks started to appear on his skin. “Both of you are hurting and they can help. They do this all the time, bonding with spirits and mages. They can either safely separate you or help you both get better.” 

Bull muttered something that sounded like a string of curse words in another language, but fortunately stayed still behind me. (Okay, he drew his axe, but he still stayed behind me so I was counting it as a win.)

Anders… Justice straightened and looked at me with a scowl. “I am not in the fade… their techniques are useless. To us.”

I winced… yeah Justice was physically here and their bond was not done in the fade. 

“Oathbound.” The Auger said suddenly, straightening with a keen look of interest as he walked over to stand next to me. I probably looked like a kid next to the giant mage. “You are an Oathbound gone wrong. We know how to release an Oathbound.” 

That… I pointed at the Auger emphatically. “Yes!” Then back at Justice pleadingly. “Justice. Please. You’ve done what you wanted to do. The circles have fallen. Mages have a chance for freedom and I will do what I can to see they stay free. But you need to let Anders… have his freedom now.” I took a cautious step forward. “Doesn’t he deserve that? After everything?” 

Justice morphed Anders’ face from a scowl to a sad, thoughtful expression. “I… cannot linger outside the fade without a vessel.” 

“If you are willing, I can speak to you of our ways.” The Auger said with a slight bow. 

I nodded and gave him a hopeful look. “You don’t have to decide now… but talk to them? Give Anders the chance? Please?” 

Justice tilted his head in a thoughtful way, then slowly nodded. “We will listen.” 

I blew out a breath of relief and moved forward and hugged Justice. He stiffened and then slowly relaxed. “You… meant that for me? Not just Anders.”

“Of course.” I said and squeezed him, realizing that… this was probably the first time someone had tried to show affection to Justice and not Anders.

Justice then hugged me back… gently and then I felt him shudder and was about to ask if he was alright when Anders spoke. 

“Maker’s breath… what did you do to him? He’s…  _ emotional _ .” 

I blinked but didn’t pull away. “Good emotional? Or blow up things emotional?” 

“He’s feeling  _ soft _ .” Anders said in bewilderment. 

“Oh. I hugged him.” 

“Because of course she hugged him. She likes the freaky elf and the demon kid and she likes the demons in her dreams, so of course she’s going to hug the abomination.” Bull muttered under his breath. 

I looked back over my shoulder to give him a scolding look but... he was smiling. A fond kind of smile, despite his words, and I felt my stomach flip slightly at the sight. 

“We will do our best to aid you.” The Auger said to Anders, then turned to Grandin, who was staring at all of this with a shell shocked expression. “And you as well.” 

“The days grow short this time of year, and it is near its end.” Svarah spoke, drawing my gaze to her. “You and yours may share our fire tonight if it suits you. Your mounts are tired and have ridden hard.”

I gave her a grateful look and then looked back at everyone else. Bull nodded and Solas tilted his head in approval, Cole… was for some reason sitting on the roof of one of the nearby huts. He smiled at me and waved, I huffed a laugh and then looked back at Svarah. “Thank you, Thane Sun-hair.”

She smiled and turned from us, gesturing for us to follow. I smiled and held a hand out to Silvi, she only hesitated for a second before taking it and letting me pull her under my arm in a hug before we followed. 

Clan Stone Bear, like Erik’s people, were lively; I avoided the ale (because I apparently had low tolerance for Thedas alcohol) but the food was actually amazing. The roasted meat was seasoned and done with a sweet but tangy sop that made me practically melt and unashamedly eat two servings. 

Savarah sat next to us, and made no attempt to hide her appreciation of Bull, I was pretty sure she propositioned him but he only laughed and shook his head. 

Silvi stayed by me most of the night… until she fell asleep against my shoulder and Bull huffed, picking her up and carried her over to the hut we were being allowed to stay in to put her to bed. It was sweet to see him do that… and I wondered if it was like having a baby back for a parent that watched them grow up? If they had been his. 

I smiled at the fire, glad that at least this time around wasn’t traumatic like before. 

Anders and Grandin ended up leaving early and following the Auger into his hut and I hoped that maybe… maybe something would come of it. With how Justice had reacted, my hopes were high. 

Maybe I could get him back in the Fade… physically. The thought gave me pause. There was a chance… a dangerous chance. But I would need Maxwell to… I grimaced. Adamant might not even happen in the same way now, so much had changed and Maxwell was technically a cripple. 

A lot might not happen the same way now… because Maxwell had the mark, and they were dependent on that. My stomach twisted in worry and I ended up excusing myself from the fire, and walking over to one of the ledges that overlooked the lake. The island in the center glowed slightly in the night, the glow of spirits drawn to the thinness of the Veil or something like that.

“My lady?”

I startled at Rett’s voice and then pressed a hand to my chest. “Crap, you walk too quietly.” 

He chuckled slightly as he got closer but stopped a few feet from me, looking out over the lake thoughtfully before asking in a careful tone. “I would ask your leave to return to the coast; back to the Blades?” 

I blocked? and turned to look at him fully. He looked... uncertain. “Rett?” 

He looked from the lake to me and gave me a small smile, “I am, of course, sworn to your command, my lady, but-“

I shook my head, something felt… wrong. “No, stop with the ‘My Lady’s’ I’m just Rae.” 

He smiled slightly and nodded his head. “Of course.”

I wasn’t sure why but I suddenly felt like there was something bigger than him just wanting to get back to the Storm Coast. I crossed my arms against the chill of the breeze. “Rett, you don’t need my permission to leave, if you want to, you're free to.” 

“I think you missed the part about the Blades being sworn to your command.” He huffed ruefully and gave a small shake of his head. “You ordered me to escort you to the Basin. I have done so.”

Oh. I looked down at the ground at the reminder that I technically was the leader of the Hessarians… I had tried to push it from my mind. “Do… you want to leave?”

Rett looked out over the lake thoughtfully and was quiet for a moment, then nodded slowly. “I think I do, yes.” He looked back at me with a small smile. “I think I miss them… my friends.”

I could understand that, though… I hated to admit I had grown fond of Rett. Even though nothing became of that night we had tried… I would always be grateful to him for trying. “When do you want to leave?” I asked quietly, steeling myself to say goodbye to someone who in a short time had become a friend. 

He looked up at the sky for a moment before shrugging. “Tomorrow… Maybe the day after if the weather is willing.” He looked back at me with another smile… this one teasing. “Will you miss me?” 

I laughed and gripped my elbows against the sudden wave of sadness I felt… because yeah, yeah I would. “Yeah…” 

Rett’s smile fell and I realized I had started crying when he carefully pulled me into a hug and I allowed myself to just hug him back. He held me without complaint and even rubbed my back until I stopped crying. Then in typical Rett fashion chuckled. “Well, I knew women got weepy over my departure but I never expected to be used as their handkerchief.”

I laughed wetly and shoved him slightly, causing him to chuckle. I was going to miss him. He had helped me realize many things about myself… and had become a friend in a very short time. 

“Write? Let me know how you’re doing from time to time?” I asked, pulling back and wiping my eyes with my sleeve. 

He smiled and reached out slowly, giving me plenty of time to move away if I wanted to and brushed a bit of my hair that was starting to grow out enough to be a nuisance off my forehead, then leaned down and pressed the lightest kiss to it. 

I gaped slightly when he pulled back and smiled softly. “You are a rarity in this world, Rae. I will always feel sad to have missed my chance with you, but if you ever need me, you need only call.” That nearly sent me into a fresh wave of tears, something he seemed to sense because he straightened and wrapped an arm around my shoulders and started steering me back towards the fire. “But it is not ‘goodbye’ yet, let's enjoy tonight shall we?” 

I made myself nod and wrapped my arm around his lower back in a side hug, willing myself to smile as we went back to the fire. The Avaar had started a dance of somekind, and I really shouldn’t have been surprised when Rett pulled me into it, swinging around to the lively music until I was laughing breathlessly. 

I was going to miss him… but right now? Right now I could savor the moment. 

  
  
  



	44. Chapter 44

The next day Rett left and I threw myself into everything that needed to be done in order to keep myself from crying. 

Krem and the Chargers killed the giant and came to the camp later that night, then headed back to the Inquisition camp with news that we found Silvi, and also to pick up the others and bring them to Stone Bear Hold. Svarah offered for my friends and kids to stay with them, and if I was completely honest I preferred Stone Bear hold to the Inquisition camp. It was safer, there were other kids for the kids to play with, Silvi could spend time with other Avvar and her culture, and most importantly, it was less likely to be attacked by Hakkonites. So I accepted. 

The kids’ faces at seeing the Avaar were priceless, Garth gaped at them, but kept his distance, until one of them got too close to me for his liking and he placed himself between me and an Avvar warrior, glaring at the massive man. It was sweet, and obviously won some respect from the warrior who nodded his head to him and took a step back. 

Meraad had gaped as well but for entirely different reasons. My bold girl ran up and tugged on one the nearest warrior’s leg until he bent down and she unrepentantly petted the fur he was wearing proclaiming that it was ‘soo soft, I want one!” The Avvar all seemed completely taken by her, I think it was that she was so tiny, yet bold and demanding. I’d often come back to camp to find her perched on someone’s shoulders. 

Kalin, for his part, just seemed to like being near a lake, even asking if he would be able to fish. I guess since everyone was taller than him, even more tall people weren't much of an exciting thing.

Sage came as well, wrapping around my legs the moment she got there until I picked her up. I buried my face into her fur unrepentantly… even knowing she was Wisdom, she still felt like my Sage.

The Augur gave me an approving smile when he saw her curled on my lap by the fire one night. “It is good to see the gods welcomed, hold beasts such as they rarely attach themselves.” 

I wasn’t sure how to answer; fortunately I had Solas, and Solas and the Auger had a very long, very convoluted talk about spirits that I mostly kept up with until they slipped into Alamarri- because of course Solas knew Alamarri- and I went to check on the kids.

We were there early. Early enough that Storvakor was still safely within the clan. The Hakkonites seemed to still be in the early stages of their plans. That worked out better for many things. 

Bull didn’t bat an eye when I said I wanted to go to the island, though he did express unease with that many spirits in the area. Svarah, of course, declined my request. But, I still had to prove myself. 

Fortunately, being apparently several months early gave us a massive head start. Not only were we able to make plans to catch The Hakonites red handed in their attempt to kidnap Storvaker, nicely proving they were breaking the truce and giving Svarah what she needed to get rid of them before they could get too much support, but we also beat the Venatori to the Tevinter ruins. 

The Chargers were amazing in clearing the more dangerous creatures ahead… and to my surprise and relief there wasn’t much combat I had to deal with. I showed my appreciation by extra sweet campfire rolls for the Chargers. Really everything seemed to be easier because we were here earlier. 

The kids loved staying in Stone Bear Hold, and after a while made friends with the other kids, though Kalin seemed to be trying very hard to prove that he was older than everyone thought. My heart nearly stopped when I came back to camp to find him halfway up a sheer cliff racing two other kids to the top, though my fear was unfounded when I discovered the Augur was standing under them with Anders and Grandin ready to catch them with magic if they slipped.

Speaking of Anders, both he and Justice agreed to allow the Augur to try and help them seperate, but the ritual would take a while to prepare; fortunately we had the time. We spent a few months stabilizing the area, clearing paths to the rifts for when Maxwell could get to them, setting up watches to deal with demons, dealing with affected wildlife, clearing out Hakkonite cells. I even had time to learn a few tricks from the Avvar mages when we were in the hold.

Once, while clearing out a nest of spiders by the old temple, we happened upon a few of the Hakonites hunters, two severely wounded and one desperately trying to protect them. It seemed like a no brainer to help, and though Bull and Solas both gave me a ‘Are you serious?’ look, but they did as I asked and we finished fending off the spiders and burning the nest. 

The hunters eyed me warily as I offered healing but didn’t refuse my help, probably realizing they were too badly injured to. One of them had a broken arm she suffered from the fall when she cut herself free from a web, the other had his leg swelled up from poison and it was oozing… and he was shivering from fever. How long had they been in there? The answer to that question was three days. The spiders had been herding them, and there had been five when they came. 

Solas and I worked to save the leg, while Bull and Dorain set and healed the other's arm. I saw Cole watching the younger one who was watching us as we worked, though he seemed more nervous than threatening, he didn’t seem to see Cole at all.

“I’m Rae,” I smiled and introduced myself as Solas and I worked to draw out as much poison as we could (mostly Solas, I just lent the mana I could, feeding it to him… like a piping bag.) “These are my friends, Solas, Bull, and Dorian.” I left out Cole, not wanting to freak them out if he wasn’t letting them see him. 

The man we were working on grunted but after a moment gritted out, “Jolsif.” 

I smiled reassuringly and used the waterskin to wet a cloth and clean away some of the poison Solas managed to draw out. “Hello, Jolsif. We’ll have you back in fighting shape in no time.” I didn’t know that but it seemed a comforting thing to say. 

The other two didn’t share their names but I didn’t push, and just tried to get them mobile “Do you think y’all can get back on y’all’s own or will yall need help?”

The younger of the three stiffened and straightened indignantly, “We don’t need your-“ 

“Did a spider bang ye head against a rock?” Jolsif cut him off. “I won’t be walking, and neither of you can carry my weight.“

“He makes a fair point.” I gave the younger one a reassuring smile. “We have horses, and can lend one.” 

The Avaar woman spoke a few words in Alamarri that had Jolsif frowning down at his leg. I looked over at Bull, because he knew a bit didn’t he? But his face was impassive and he didn’t say anything. 

After a moment Jolsif grunted something back to them that had the other two looking at him like he was crazy, but they accepted the horse and I wished them well. 

They left and we got back to doing what we needed to do. I did find myself sort of taking on any task I could think of in order to put off dealing with Hakkon, but eventually Bull pointed out that was what I was doing and- ugh.

We met Ameridan, the last inquisitor. I felt sorry for the man but… there was nothing I could really do to help him. His fate was sealed. 

Then… we fought a dragon. A dragon that could shout. “Pathetic mortals.” 

It was not fun.

Well, Bull enjoyed it. 

“I,” I stated firmly, wringing dragon blood out of my hair. “Need a bath.” 

I got a bath in the hot springs in Stone Bear Hold and a new name to boot. Not ‘First Thaw’- thank god! -But ‘Shield Mother’. I could live with that, everyone one called me mammRae and Tama Rae anyway. 

Bull and the Chargers celebrated way into the night, dragging me into it, which wasn’t bad… they may have gotten me to agree to let them keep the skull… I wasn’t sure if that would be okay but Bull sent a letter to Leliana and she thought it was a good idea, so we sent the whole thing (that was a lot of wagons) ahead of us to Skyhold. 

And then… after a fairly pleasant few months despite the spiders, it was time to go back to Skyhold. Anders and Justice were electing to stay behind in the hold to keep learning, and Jolsif had shown up at the Inquisition camp with a bloody face and a slight limp, and joined the Inquisition. There… wasn’t anything left to do here… I had to go back.

I really, really didn’t want to go back. Skyhold had Maxwell, and Templars and… I liked it being just me and Bull and Solas with the kids out here. I had friends here and… I could look beyond the spiders and occasional lurker.

I didn’t want to go back, but I had done what I had been assigned and… now I had to go back.

I gave the order for us to pack up and start heading back, and then I went into my tent and burst into tears. Which was silly, I knew it was. But I couldn’t help the fear that… What if Bull went back to being like before? Maxwell was probably Inquisitor by now and he could order-

“Sunshine?” 

I realized I was hyperventilating as I looked up at Bull, looming in the tent entrance. He suddenly disappeared and then Solas was there in front of me.

“Lethallan, please, breathe. All is well.” He said gently. 

I knew I looked pathetic. I had just helped kill a dragon, why did the thought of returning to Skyhold fill me with dread and… and-

“Breathe. In. Good. Out.”

I followed his instructions, breathing and trying to calm down. Wisdom came in and I hugged her to me, petting her soft fur with shaking hands as I tried to breathe. Eventually, I got myself back under control and I looked at Solas and tried to thank him, tried to explain what I was being- I couldn’t get words out. I just looked at Wisdom’s fur and breathed.

“Fear, frantic, following, returning might make it return, into the monster’s den.” Cole said softly. He was next to me, materializing in a blink. 

I let myself lean against him, hugging Wisdom to me, her purring, the soft vibrations grounding. “I… I’m sorry.” 

“There is no need to be sorry, Lethallan.” Solas said softly, sitting down a few feet from me. “Steps have been taken to ensure your protection. He cannot harm you further.”

I stared at Wisdom’s fur. “He’s going to be Inquisitor.” As Inquisitor there would be no escaping him. 

“He will not.” Solas shook his head, oddly certain. “I can assure you of that.” 

I shook my head, everything pivoted on him. No matter what kind of person he was, no matter how awful his decisions were… it was the only way for them to defeat Corypheus. “But he has to be. The- The rifts, and-”

“Renae.” Solas interrupted me in a firm tone that made me snap my mouth shut on reflex. “He does not have to be Inquisitor to seal the rifts. He will not have power over you again.” 

They didn’t understand. they needed Maxwell. I shook my head and hugged Wisdom closer. What if Maxwell made another phylactery? What if-?

“Renae, breathe.” 

I breathed. 

“All will be well.”

He sounded so sure. I sighed and leaned against Cole and gave up trying to convince him. I was just a cook, in the big picture, I didn’t matter.

“You do.” Cole whispered into my ear. “So much. Let’s go play tag with the kids. You like that.” 

I scrubbed my face and nodded, following them both out of the tent to play tag with the kids. I… would deal with the future when the future came. 

Bull was out there watching them when we got there and I felt bad for flinching away from him in my panic, so I made myself walk over and hug him. “I’m not scared of you.” I felt like I needed to say that. 

He was very still for a moment before exhaling softly and hugging me back. “It’s okay to be. I hurt you. I won’t ever again, but it doesn’t change that I did.” He said softly. 

I couldn’t argue with him, so I just hugged him some more. I didn’t want him to keep beating himself up over it though… because I had forgiven him. And now that I could think clearly I knew he was only protecting me the only way he could.

“We don’t have to go back, Sunshine.” He whispered. “You’re the boss. You say you want me to get you as far away as you can get, I’ll make it happen.” 

That would only get him in trouble with the Inquisition… but it was a nice thought. To just disappear, I could indulge in the fantasy for a moment. “A tree house maybe?” I laughed jokingly, then looked up at him with a teasing smile. “Maybe not, your horns would get caught in the branches too much.” And then my face went beet red at the intense look he was giving me.

“If that’s what you want.” He said in a tone just as intent as his expression. 

My mind immediately flew to the night he had tried to ride out with me from Haven. That look on his face was the same determined expression as that night. Oh. 

I looked in his eye and swallowed. “I- you know I can’t.” Even if I was to run, where could I go? Coryphous needed to be defeated and… I was technically an agent of the Inquisition… and then there was Brea, and Lyonal… “I can't.”

Bull studied my face for a minute before letting out a soft huff. “Yeah. Just let me know if that changes, Sunshine.” 

A large part of me knew he was serious… knew he wouldn’t think twice if I asked, and that… that was scary. What did I do to deserve that kind of care? I doubted it was guilt that drove him… but what else could it be? I was a nothing and nobody… there was nothing to gain by helping me. 

This thought stuck with me for weeks after as we traveled. Bull stayed in the tent with me and the kids at night, only because I asked again. 

Silvi was doing well, even when we left Stone Bear Hold, she seemed happier, joining in with the games and talking with the other kids freely. One night she surprised me by sitting behind me when I was braiding Meraad’s hair and weaving a feather into the short strands of my hair just behind my ear, and then let me hug her afterwards. 

I couldn’t believe the change in her; change I was afraid would be short lived when we bumped into the very last person I expected to meet on the way back to Skyhold. 

Thane Morvan the Under. He was nearly as tall as his son and just as wide. Logically I knew I should have been terrified, the man could have crushed me like an ant. But seeing him… all I could think of was how his attitude towards his son had been completely uncalled for and not only could have gotten Eirik killed, but robbed Silvi of knowing and having a wonderful relationship with her father. 

We all dismounted and Bull had barely gotten out a greeting before I was marching up to Movran. “Bull. Lift me up.” I snapped. Bull didn’t hesitate, just put his hands on my waist and lifted me up. I hauled back and slapped Movran as hard as I could and then pointed at his face with my stinging hand. “You! Are. An. Idiot.” 

Morvan was staring at me with a blank face and those stupid goat horns and… I wasn’t done.

“You have an amazing son, but you can't see that past your pride.” I’d slap him again but my hand hurt now. 

Movran blinked at me and then turned and said something in a bewildered tone to his followers in Alamarri. Bull set me down on the ground as Silvi stormed up and put her hands on her hips. 

“She is Rae Shield Mother.” She said angrily. 

Movran stared down at Silvi and I could feel Bull tensing, ready for a fight, but then the Avvar man threw back his head and laughed loudly before gesturing to me. “I like you. You have fire, Shield Mother.” 

“You shush.” I snapped up at him. “If you’re so determined to fight Tevinter you’d chase off your own son, go to Skyhold and join the Inquisition. They’ll send you out to actually do some good.” 

Movran studied me for a long moment before tilting his head. “Your people will aid us in fighting the Tevinters?” 

“Venatori. Yes.” I answered him immediately and pushed aside the doubt about that. Leliana could use him even if Maxwell was… Maxwell.

“Well, I’m never one to pass up an opportunity from the gods.” He laughed again as if this was all a great joke. “I will travel with you to your hold, Shield Mother.”

Wait. What? No.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the time jump but I was stuck in one place so long it was just becoming hard to see a path forward and I couldn’t see a path forward that didn’t take ten or fifteen more chapters... and in the end I needed to move the story along. And theres so much more to get to. :) hopefully updates with start picking up, but I make no promises. Lol <3


	45. Chapter 45

Skyhold was both a relief to see and a source of great stress.

A relief because Movran seemed to think my being angry at him was ‘adorable’. Ugh. I think his aloof attitude towards Silvi was what made it easiest for me to stay mad, because I refused to believe he didn’t know she was his granddaughter. 

I also had suspicions whether or not Silvi knew… I know Eirik didn’t tell her, but she was a smart kid. She seemed to be more affectionate towards me when Movran was there, sitting next to me and leaning against my shoulder… not that I minded, but I felt like she was trying to prove a point. 

Morvan’s warriors were fine, giving me the same amount of respectful distance as the warriors in Stone Bear Hold had, and also seeming just as taken with the kids. Garth was wearing a knife on his belt now that was similar to Silvi’s… I had to remind myself that this was Thedas and just asked Skinner to give him more lessons on safety, though I couldn't help but fret. 

The sight of Skyhold was stressful because… Maxwell was there. And I couldn’t banish from my mind's eye him walking down the stairs as Inquisitor, smiling at menacingly, and there I was at the head of a procession into Skyhold, There would be no hiding and diving into the kitchen for safety.

I heard a horn when we got closer and closed my eyes, focusing on my breathing: in, out, everything would be fine… he wouldn’t do anything in front of people right? He always waited until we were alone. In, out. I could get the kids away and out of the way. Breathe. In, out. 

“Momma Rae, Look!” Garth’s excited voice made me look up from the saddle and turn to see him pointing with a wide eyed expression on his face. 

I turned and froze at the sight of a dragon skull hanging above the gate to Skyhold, all scales and flesh gone, just bone covered in a shining metal. The skull we had sent back ahead of us. 

Bull let out an approving rumble. “Nice. That’s the dragon your mama killed.” 

“Impressive.” Movran laughed, he was riding not far to my right… I was ready to hand him over to Leliana or Cullen whoever handled that. 

If I thought about it, it made sense they would hang the skull over the gate. Maxwell couldn’t travel or fight like before and they needed to show what the Inquisition could still do. It's what I would have done if I were trying to keep peoples’ belief in the Inquisition. 

I didn’t know what to expect when we got inside the courtyard, but it definitely wasn’t to be met by not only Leliana, but Josephine and Cullen as well… and a lot of people. Why were there so many people in the courtyard?

I felt a little stiff as we rode in, there were a lot of people and they were staring… probably because of the Avvar following me. I could see some of the Blades and some of Eirik’s people standing at attention along the path and it just felt weird. 

Eventually I had to dismount and Leliana was right there waiting for me when I got down… Maxwell was nowhere in sight, but I couldn’t help my nervous searching glances. 

“Ser Rae, it’s good to see you have returned safely.” Leliana spoke with a smile when I blinked at the title. “You have accomplished quite a lot in your time away from us.”

“I…” I floundered for a good response. “Am happy to have aided the Inquisition.” That sounded like a good answer.

I guessed it was because she nodded in what seemed like approval. “Yes, your devotion to establishing the Inquisition and bringing much needed stability to the region is admirable.”

“Uh…” my mind went completely blank. I scrambled for something to say but nothing was forthcoming. 

“And she killed a dragon.” Bull commented idly, saving me from standing there gaping like a fish.

“That was a team effort.” I shot at him, feeling my face heat up. 

“Yes, you have shown yourself to be very capable of leading your people.” Josephine said with a bright smile. “But enough of that, I think. Welcome back, Ser Rae. Once you have rested there are some matters we would like to discuss with you.” 

Oh, joy. “Yes ma’am,” I gave her a customer service smile and ducked my head as I started to follow them up the stairs to the castle, but made myself stop and turned to Cullen. “Oh, Cullen, this is Thane Morvan the Under. Morvan, this is Commander Cullen Rutherford of the Inquisition.” 

I introduced them and thankfully I didn't have to say much more because Morvan took over gripping Cullen's forearm and told Cullen I promised him he would be able to fight Tevinters… oops.

I made my escape in their distraction. Jogging up the stairs. Bull was chuckling behind me, I stuck my tongue out at him but smiled. Then paused as we entered the main hall, unsure of where to go. I just wanted to disappear and slink into the kitchen… but was it even my kitchen anymore? What if-?

“Mamma Rae!” Brea?

I turned and was nearly plowed into by Brea, how was he so tall?! I had to look up at him now… and oh, he had me wrapped in a tight hug, bending to tuck his head into the crook of my neck. I hugged him back and… “You’re tall.” Because that’s exactly what you blurt out at a time like now. 

Brea laughed and it sounded like he was crying, “You killed a dragon.” 

I laughed and shook my head as he stepped back. God, was I really gone that long? “It's not as much as all that… there were a lot of others there.”

He just grinned at me. “That’s what Cassandra says.“

‘Cassandra?’ Not ‘Seeker Pentaghast’ she’d been hanging around enough for-

“Rae, welcome back.” Lionel!

I looked around Brea to see Lionel moving towards me, with a wide smile and finer dressed than before, on new arm crutches… and one Cassandra Pentagast behind him. Oh! 

“Lionel!” Brea grinned and stepped to the side to let Lionel hug me. 

My fear of seeing Maxwell took a back seat to the joy of seeing everyone again. Varric came over and hugged me too. Cassandra said hello and patted my shoulder. Sera… Sera was here and grabbed my hand and let out a cheerful string of stories about the various prankings that had happened, and before I knew it, I was in a room with a wonderfully comfortable looking bed, and there was a table with enough food for six. Sera hugged me and then left as Bull ducked in with the kids trailing him. There was a pair of doors and as I looked into them, feeling a bit dazed, I saw one was furnished with a bed large enough for Bull and the other had bunk beds. Enough for my kids. 

“Welcome back, Darling.” Vivienne’s voice drew my eyes to a side room where she was standing next to a tub of steaming water, without her headdress and actually looking relaxed… well, as relaxed as you can imagine Vivienne being.

“Vivienne.” I wasn’t quite understanding what all this was… it couldn’t be my room. I was just a cook and this couldn’t-

“Alright, everyone out!” Vivienne clapped her hands together and made a shooing motion at everyone. “Let her wash the road away and you can all see her later at dinner.” 

Wait, Me? What? “I need to-“

“The children will all be taken care of, dear.” She smiled at me and then gave everyone else a stern look that had everyone moving for the door, leaving me alone with her.

No sooner had the doors closed before I found myself wrapped up in a hug. I blinked and then laughed awkwardly before hugging her back. “This doesn’t make sense.”

“Not much does anymore, my dear.” She stepped back with a small smile. “Think of these rooms and all else as a reward for your efforts for the Inquisition and...” she paused and gave me a guilty look that looked so foreign on her face, “an apology for everything you have been put through.”

I looked down at my hands, unsure what to say; this Vivienne knew the ‘Other Rae’ as well, which was probably why she was so kind to me, and I didn’t know if she was like Solas… believing me to be the same woman she knew.. “I’m… not sure if I can… be the Rae you knew, Vivienne.”

“And it would be foolish to expect it of you, darling. You’ve been through a completely different ordeal than the one I knew.” She flicked her fingers dismissively. “But I’ve seen enough of you to know that you will be a dear friend.” 

I let out a breath of relief and smiled at her. “Thank you.” 

She, of course, dismissed my thanks and then instructed me to get out of my travel clothes and into the bath. The hot water felt like heaven, the tub large enough I could stretch out and just let the hot water soothe away any aches, it felt like the water was infused with herbs as well. 

I think I started to nod off after a while because the next thing I knew Vivienne was scrubbing my scalp and washing my hair. I blushed in embarrassment but she didn’t comment. In fact she didn’t say anything at all throughout the bath, just seemed to let me have a moment of quiet relaxation. It was nice.

Afterward Vivienne magically dried and ran a comb through my hair… somehow styling the short strands into something that looked… elegant actually.

I barely recognized myself in the mirror. The months of traveling had darkened my skin in the sun, my face was slimer and though I dropped weight, I looked toned, the exercises and training daily had changed me. 

It was hard to believe this was the same me that had left Skyhold curled into a ball of panic and fear. How much has changed?

Vivienne laid out an outfit for me, thankfully not a dress, but a fine tunic and pants, with warm looking boots and a fur trimmed vest… the vest looked suspiciously like Avvar influenced, yet went perfectly with the other clothes.

Vivienne chatted as I dressed, telling me different things that happened while I was away. Lionel and Cassandra seemed to be spending quite a bit of time together. (I may have been grinning at that bit of information) and his new found inheritance has been a major help to the Inquisition. Brea was doing very well in his appointment in the kitchens and was expected to take over as head chef… ‘cook.’ To say I was proud would be an understatement. But she told me nothing of Maxwell… I hadn’t heard anything about him at all in the months I had been gone 

“And how’s the Herald?” I asked hesitantly; I had expected him to fly into the room by now. He wasn’t someone who would take being tricked lightly.

Vivienne gave me a look I couldn’t quite read before flicking her fingers in that elegant, dismissive gesture I wished I could imitate. “Oh, don’t concern yourself with that rat, darling. What you should be concerned about is whether or not you’ll wear this silver necklace or the ivory one.” She held up a pair of necklaces from a small box on the end table. “The silver will bring out your eyes, but I think the ivory is exotic enough, enough to be of interest.” 

I smiled slightly at her calling Maxwell a rat but couldn’t help but fret over my eventual meeting with the man.

Once my appearance was satisfactory to Vivienne, she knocked gently on the door that led out and then fussed over my hair a bit more. The door opened a minute later and Bull ducked in. He was wearing a shirt that sorta matched mine but not quite…and pants! Not those baggy striped things. Pants! 

I stared at him for a minute, processing that, and he laughed at me before bowing playfully. “Will you accompany us to dinner, Ser Rae?” 

“Uh.” Very elaquent, I know. Bull chuckled again, wiggling his eyebrows playfully at me. Snapping me out of my assessment? Was it assessment? I didn’t know but… “You… look nice.” He did. 

Bull straightened and huffed. “Madam De Fer wouldn’t settle for anything less.” 

“Yes. It takes a true artist to work with… crude materials.” Vivienne said dryly, but there was a slight smile in the corner of her mouth.

Bull splayed a hand over his chest in mock hurt. It was strange to see them actually picking with each other, but I guess they’d known each other long enough. 

“Dinner?” I asked looking between them, part of me wondering if Vivienne was trying to set up something romantic for Bull and I… but she knew we- I cut myself off at that thought as Vivienne supplied the obvious answer.

“That horrid compte with the nasal voice is attending the dinner and he is most interested in hearing about the dragon slaying. I’m sure you can entertain?” Vivienne asked Bull.

“I know my lines.” He rolled his eye.

I may have made a small whine in my throat. “Do I have to go? I’m just-“

“The leader of the formidable Chargers, an illustrious agent of the Inquisition. Be polite, sit up straight, and let us use our skills to gain the Inquisition some allies, yes?” Vivienne reached out to straighten the fur collar on my vest. 

Bull made a slightly apologetic sound in his chest and gave me a small smile.

“You’ll do great, Sunshine. Hell, you play this right and you could be Inquisitor.” 

I let out a laugh at the thought of me becoming the Inquisitor, and that might have been the point. I took his arm when he offered it again and we started down the hall. 

Nobody said anything on the way, but my mind focused on what Bull had said. They hadn’t named Maxwell inquisitor yet. Were they waiting for his injuries to heal? Where they-?

Before I knew it we were in the dining hall and I was sat down next to Josephine, with Bull on my other side. Leliana was beside Josephine, Cullen was next to Bull, and Vivienne sat gracefully by Dorian and somebody dressed fancy… Maxwell was nowhere to be seen.

I minded my manners and answered questions as politely as I could. There were so many questions. Josephine and Leliana kept telling stories about how I completed tasks and… I mean, it was true, but… they made it sound so… heroic. I tried to downplay my role, the Chargers had done most of the work, and Bull had laughed and launched into a story about my humility and ability to get people to agree and…

I felt exhausted by the time the dinner was over and Bull escorted me back to the room. I flopped face first down onto the bed with a groan. 

Bull chuckled at me and then groaned himself as he twisted his back and started untucking his shirt. “You did good, Sunshine.” 

I raised my head and huffed. “Y’all exaggerated too much.” The door that led to the room with the bunk beds was closed and I figured the kids were all in bed, it was kind of late. 

He shrugged, as he tugged his arms out of the sleeves. “Not really.” 

“Oh?” I raised an eyebrow at him. “I quote ‘She dove to the side rolling and coming up with fury in her eyes’, when in reality I tripped over a stump.”

He grinned and chuckled. “My way sounded better.” 

“Uh-huh, you should go see Varric about that.” I laughed as he started to pull off the shirt… then promptly burst into giggles when his head got stuck in the collar. 

It took a minute or two of readjusting to get it off, and we were both laughing quietly once he managed to get it off of his horns. He folded up the shirt and tucked it under his arm and gave me a lopsided smile. “Good night, Sunshine. You did real good out there.” 

He started towards the extra room with the bed.

Oh.

I don’t know why part of me expected him to get in the bed with me. I mean, obviously we weren’t traveling anymore and the room was warm thanks to the fireplace, of course, he would want to go to his own room. 

“Yeah… thanks, goodnight.” I watched as he disappeared into the next room without looking back. 

I flopped backwards on my bed after his door was closed and blew out a breath. Was it disappointment or uncertainty I was feeling? I wasn’t sure. Bull had gone from someone I had been terrified of, to someone who I felt safe around, someone I could talk to. It was hard to believe when we left this place I shook like a leaf if he spoke too loud. 

I fell asleep only to come face to face with Furby Fear/Peace. “Hi.” 

“Hello.” It smiled at me and flapped its stubby wings. “You’re back, I can help with the fear?”

I winced, “I don’t know, Maxwell isn’t going to be happy about being tricked.”

“But he can’t touch you now. You have friends. People love you.” Furby Fear/Peace waddled closer and looked like it was trying to hug me but stub wings were useless…. but then it shifted and… it took on Bull’s form and hugged me. “He comforts you and you feel safe with him.”

I laughed and hugged it back, though it got his form perfectly the voice was too high pitched. “Yeah.” 

I let it hold me, and that was how Solas found me. He smiled and greeted Furby Fear/Pearce with a few words in Elvhen I didn’t know before turning to me. “Are you settling well?”

I stepped back from Furby Fear, who almost immediately disappeared, and nodded. “The rooms are nice.” 

“That was Madame Vivienne’s doing I believe.” Solas smiled offering an arm, I took it without much thought and we were suddenly walking on a strip of sand from a beach. 

We were quiet for a while, and I just enjoyed the warmth and the sand under my bare feet, but eventually the peace was broken.

“Why was Peace trying to comfort you?” He asked after a while. 

I winced at the question and stopped walking; he stopped as well and turned to give me a searching gaze that I couldn’t meet. “The- Maxwell… he’s not going to take being played well.”

Solas shook his head but gave me a small smile. “You do not have to worry about him any longer, Renae.” I opened my mouth to argue that point but his hand came up to cup my cheek and I froze, part of me afraid of a repeat of the last time that had happened, but he only looked into my eyes with something I could only describe as conviction. “It has been taken care of, Renae.”

“But-“

“You are waking up.” He cut me off and then gave my cheek a small pat before stepping back. “You will see.” 

I was getting a little annoyed with not being able to finish but once again I couldn’t voice it because I was in my bed, buried under the thick blankets. 

I sighed and stretched before sitting up, it was still semi-dark out so I guessed it would take me a while to get back on a normalish schedule. I felt… alone in the bed. There were no kids just a few feet away or curled up against Bull… Bull wasn’t there. 

I wondered if he was awake? Probably, he was usually awake before everyone. I slipped out of bed, wrinkling my nose when I realized I forgot to change my clothes, I must have been exhausted. Or you know…. just used to kicking off my shoes and falling into bed.

Bull’s door was cracked open which… he closed it didn’t he? I peaked in, part of me worried Maxwell had gotten to him somehow, but the more rational part of my mind told me that was unlikely. I could help the soft smile at the sight of both Meraad and Garth splayed over Bull’s chest and Kalin draped over his leg. 

Bull was wide awake but not moving to dislodge them, instead looked at me twitch a relaxed smile. “Good morning.”

“Morning.” I crossed my arms and leaned against the doorframe. “Stuck?”

He chuckled and reached up to rub his eye. “Might be a bit before they’re used to sleeping in their own beds again.”

“Skyhold’s still new to them.” They didn’t have much time here before we left I could imagine how strange being back probably felt. 

Bull made a grumbling noise that sounded like agreement, before carefully picking up and moving each kid in a way that didn’t wake them so he could ease out of bed. He was amazingly gentle for such a huge man. “Breakfast?”

I shook my head. “Not yet.” 

He made a humming sound and I stepped back so he could come through the door and watched as he crossed the room and knelt down by the fire, stolking it up and adding another log. “I’ll have a small kitchenette set up for in here later today, stove won’t be ready for a few days but I can’t get some pots and things set up.”

That… I could help but smile at the thought of having my own space that was just mine to cook in. “That sounds amazing.” 

Bull smiled at me over his shoulder, a smile that slipped when his eyes darted towards my bed… or rather under my bed. I bent down and blinked at the sight of Silvi curled up unto the bed with only one blanket around her.

Why? Her bed was probably more comfortable… warmer for sure. 

I looked over at Bull but he was just looking at her thoughtfully. He gave me a one shouldered shrug. “New place.” 

Maybe the same reason the others had piled into his bed, he was safe and familiar, but me? I was neither to her. Right?

“I’ll go get breakfast.” Bull murmured as he stood up and eased towards the door. 

I watched him disappear at a loss of what to do. Do I wake her up? Do I let her sleep? Do I ask why or not say anything? Crap, why’d he leave me to deal with it? Probably because I was sort of her mother now, but still… he had dealt with her in the other timeline… he was the one with experience. 

I knelt down and scooted closer, not too close just in case I scared her though, and called her name. “Silvi?”

She stirred slightly before her eyes flew open and she tried to sit up, striking her head against the bed frame. I winced, and held up my hands, “I’m sorry, are you okay?”

She reached up and rubbed her head and looked away from me sheepishly, jerking her chin in a nod but not saying anything else. Okay.

“Um. Bull’s getting us some breakfast and the other kids are still asleep if you want to… come out and talk?” I scooted back, trying not to crowd her, but when she didn’t answer I went ahead and stood up and walked over to the fire and took a seat in one of the chairs there. I wasn’t going to force her out or make her feel like I was waiting on her. 

After a few moments I heard her slide out from under the bed. I didn’t look up from the fire and saw her move into my peripheral, still wrapped in the blanket as she sank to sit cross legged next to my chair. 

She sat there for a few minutes before she spoke. “We are staying here now?”

I looked over at her to find her looking at me with a furrowed brow. “I hope so.” I really didn’t want to leave again but… if Leliana thought I did well I wouldn’t put it past her to send me out. “At least I hope you and the others will stay where it's safe. I worry… too much sometimes, but it would give me peace of mind to know no one can get to you.” 

Silvi frowned and hitched the blanket up higher and chewed her lower lip for a minute before speaking. “But… you… you’re scared of being here.” 

I pressed my lips together and looked at the fire, wondering what I could say to that. “It’s… not here I'm scared of.” I looked over at her and gave a slight smile. “This place is the safest place in Thedas right now for you and the others. I just…” I glanced back at the fire and blew out a breath. “There's a man here that hurt me before, but he can't hurt me now.” I hoped. That's what everyone was saying so… that's what I was going to tell her. 

“You killed him.” She nodded and relaxed slightly. 

Uh… no, but if that made her relax I was not going to correct her, my point was. “Y’all are safe here, and while I have… mixed feelings for the place it's safe.” 

She nodded again and readjusted her blanket. 

We sat together a moment longer before I chanced… “So… was that why you were under my bed freezing instead of in yours?”

She wrinkled her nose and looked away from me before jerking her chin again. 

I hummed and gave her a slight smile, “Next time just get in the bed, I think it's warmer and a whole lot more comfortable.” She looked at me with a flat look I imagined was typical of teenagers and I raised my hands with a laugh. “I’m just saying. Besides, I get cold by myself. You’d be helping me out.”

She huffed and smiled slightly before her expression fell again. “Are your knots with The Bull done?” She asked quietly, pulling the edge of the blanket between her fingers. 

Oh.

We’d stayed long enough at StoneBear hold that I knew what she meant. I didn’t know how to respond, I had somehow forgotten that I was technically married to him… on paper. The kids loved him. 

“I- do you like him?” That sounded awkward. “Like someone you could see as a father… ish figure?” Well I was winning no awards for smoothness. 

She shrugged. Then shrugged again after a hesitation. “He is strong.” 

I chuckled and rubbed my hands together and held them towards the fire with a smile. “Yeah, he is.”

She smiled and we both lapsed into a comfortable silence and stayed that way until Bull came back with a tray and… Vivienne behind him, leading Harritt who was luging a chest. 

“Good morning Darling.” Vivienne greeted me with a smile and even gave Silvi a smile and nod. 

“Um, good morning?” I glanced between her and Bull and then at Harritt who set down the chest at the foot of my bed looking… practically bursting with excitement. “What’s… going on?”

Vivienne looked over at Harritt and he lifted the lid of the chest as she waved me over to look inside. “The Spymaster had these made especially for you, dear. We had your measurements but nothings better than a good fitting.” 

What?

I stared at the contents of the chest in shock. There… was armor. Dragonscale armor. Scales that matched those of… and that helmet…“I-“ words stuck in my throat as I stared at a helmet that shouldn’t be there. I- they- What? Why?

Vivienne clapped her hands together in a pleased fashion and looked around the room. “Now you must eat your breakfast. We have a big day and Harritt still needs to make the last few adjustment and-“

“Why?” It was the only thing I could force out… Still staring as the chest in complete shock and… disbelief. 

“Hey.” I turned to look at Bull who spoke as he set down the tray, and was taking a step towards me suddenly sounded serious. “They’re gonna make you Inquisitor.” 

What? No!


	46. Chapter 46

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The long awaited chapter y’all have wanted for from chapter 6 ..... it only took 40 chapter.😈

“What? No!” I stepped back in horror. “What-? Why would-?” I lost the words, this wasn’t supposed- I just- I was just a cook. I was breathing hard and ran a hand through my hair. This couldn’t be happening, they couldn’t- “But it’s not- He’s supposed-“ I felt panic curl in my chest. Had I messed everything up so badly? I was just trying to survive, I- Maxwell was supposed- Oh god, What if I changed too much? What if I-? 

I felt a hand on my back and realized I had curled in on myself at the same time I realized it was Bull, and turned to bury my face into his stomach. “I- I can’t- It’s not-.” 

I felt his arms come up around me and he curled over me, surrounding me in warmth, his breathing grounding and… no one said anything. They were all quiet just letting me ground myself and cling to Bull like a lifeline. 

After a moment I felt like I could breathe and pressed my forehead against Bull taking another deep breath before looking up, finding that only him, Vivienne and Silvi were still in the room. They must have sent Harritt out, but I hated that I had a panic attack in front of Silvi, who was now looking at me with wide concerned eyes, just after I assured her everything was fine too. Crap. 

I took another breath before looking up at Bull who was just looking at me, no judgement in his gaze for freaking out, just calm and… reassurance. “Why? Maxwell has the mark, he faced Corypheus, he’s the Herald.” I rambled and tried not to focus on the way Bull’s lips pulled back in a slight snarl at his name.

Bull shrugged. “ _ You _ faced Corypheus. You got him out of there. You’ve been helping the Inquisition, you’ve been the one leading it for a while now, Sunshine. Red and Ruffles have been following your advice for a long time now. Maxwell isn’t fit to lead. You are.” 

I shook my head and took a step back, “I didn’t face Corypheus, I hid behind the trebuchet. I was only-“ 

“Darling, do be quiet and listen.” Vivienne sighed. “That horrid rat of a man who you seem so determined to put in power only went out there because he was forced to. He would not have gone at all if you had not sacrificed yourself.”

“Yeah.” Bull agreed. “That was you. And everyone saw that. They saw who you were there. The kind of person who will do anything to help people, who will work themselves to death to bring about a miracle.” He reached out slowly and poked the center of my forehead. “I know a bit of what’s in there, Rae. But you’re the best person for the job even without your intuition just because you’re smart, brave, and a good person.”

I blinked at his words and must have been working my mouth like a fish because I couldn't think of a thing to say past the sudden warmth in my chest that he would say something like that… about me. 

“Now do be careful, Bull, that was almost eloquent.” Vivienne teased. 

He shot her a smile but then looked back at me and… I had to look away, not able to think and form wards while looking at him. “I… But the rifts… he needs to close them.”

“Does he have to be Inquisitor in order to shove that thing at a rift?” Vivienne tilted her head elegantly. 

No… but he needed to be at Adamant, he needed-

“And,” Bull added, “It’s more likely the rifts get sealed if there’s someone holding that rat’s leash and shoving him at them. It was hard enough to get him to deal with them when I was out with them. He likes to sit back and let everyone else fight the demons and then swan in and play hero.” He paused and then in a lower, more menacing tone, added, “And if you’re thinking about the fort, I can put him on a literal leash if we need.” 

That… I suddenly burst into shocked giggles at that thought. Though part of me cringed the idea that I could laugh at the thought of controlling someone, somehow it being Maxwell didn’t make it feel as horrible, and I felt decidedly less guilty. 

However my bout of giggles came to a halt at another thought. “Where… is Maxwell?” I hadn’t seen him. I hadn’t heard a thing. There was a sudden panic in my gut at the memory of Solas, Bull and Cole’s willingness to leave him in the snow at Haven. 

Vivienne and Bull shared a look, and by look I mean they seemed to be having a conversation just with twitches of their eyebrows, before Vivienne answered. “He is unwell and is unable to leave his room.”

Oh god, they killed him!

“We didn’t kill him.” Bull rolled his eye.

Oh. “Good.” 

“Debatable.” He grumbled petulantly. I gave him a look and he held up his hands in surrender. “You said not to kill him, we didn’t kill him.”

Oh no…. that somehow sounded soo much worse. “What…. did you do?”

Bull’s eye flicked over my face and then he looked at Vivienne helplessly, but she merely leaned against the table casually. “Oh no, do keep speaking. I am quite enjoying myself watching you choose the wrong words.” 

He flipped her off. “We didn’t do anything to him. At all.”

I narrowed my eyes at him… and he didn’t flinch. not a muscle. Crap. I wasn’t gonna get a straight answer from either of them. 

“I-“ I cut myself off. Did I really want to see him? Maxwell? The thought of seeing him again sent another stab of panic into my gut, but for a completely new reason. But at the same time… he was needed. And I had to know. “I want to see him.” 

They did that slightly creepy eyebrow conversation again before Bull sighed, the exhale trailing off into a soft growl. “As you wish. I’ll find the elf.” 

I jerked my chin in a nod and turned back towards my dresser. Get dressed. Put on some shoes. I could do this. It would be fine. Bull wouldn’t let him touch me… if he could touch me. He could be shackled in his room for all I knew. It would be fine. Just get dressed and-

“In these, darling.” Vivienne chided softly as I started pulling out a shirt from my pack still next to my bed, and held up a piece of the dragonscale armor.

Oh.

I could do this. 

I allowed her to help me figure it out, determined not to let my hands shake in front of Silvi, who was still watching me. Though as Vivienne was helping me with the straps on the greaves she turned to snag the comb off of the dresser and dragged a chair over to stand on it and started combing out my hair. I was shocked by the action but allowed her to put a small braid on each side of my head as Vivienne helped me put on the armor, keeping the short strands away from my eyes. 

For dragon scale, the whole thing was surprisingly light, though I guessed for a creature that size to get off the ground it’d have to be, magic or no magic. The other kids stumbled in just as I was pulling on the gloved gauntlets,

“Mamma Rae?” 

Garth's voice had me turning to wish them good morning only to be met with slack jaws and wide eyes. Meraad rubbed her eyes and then broke out into a grin, running up to hug my legs. 

And just like that my anxiety over seeing Maxwell again was put on the back burner in favor of sitting down with the kids and eating a now cold breakfast of scrambled eggs, ham, and berry muffins. It was good. 

Unfortunately, even time with the kids couldn’t put off the inevitable. Solas showed up with both Leliana and Cullen behind him; Cullen looked for all the world as if he’d rather be anywhere but here.

Leliana’s sharp eyes darted over me before she smiled and nodded in approval, “It suits you.” 

Oh… “It… fits perfectly. Thank you, but you didn’t have to-“ 

My words were cut off by an exasperated Vivienne. “Hush, the materials were rightly yours. A few of the beast’s bones paid for the set, it was completely paid for by you.” 

“But I didn’t order-“ I sighed and shook my head, before looking at Leliana, who was still watching me sharply. “Bull told me what you’re planning.”

Leliana didn’t look surprised. “So I’ve been told.” Oh, well, that was why. “You expressed your desire to see Trevelyan? If you would allow me, I would accompany you.” 

I blinked and then felt a little of my anxiety about seeing Maxwell ease up. If Leliana was there he would be less likely to try anything..

“I… would like to be there as well.” Cullen spoke awkwardly. “I- if that is alright?”

That would be another council member and one that… Cullen had gotten me out and away from Maxwell before. I felt myself relax just a little more, and able to give them both an honestly grateful smile. “Yes, thank you.” 

Bull came in and then… stopped, giving me a strange look, standing so completely still at the door, I was almost afraid he had stopped breathing. 

“She does look spectacular, doesn’t she?” Vivienne stated in a clearly pleased tone, making me blush when I realized the strange look Bull was giving me was actually appreciation. Maybe even… admiration. My face heated even more at that thought. Okay, not gonna think about that right now. 

Solas smiled and looked pleased about something. “It suits you, lethan’lin.”

Leliana nodded her head and stepped backward and gestured towards the door. “Shall we?” 

Aaaaaand just like that my anxiety was back. 

I took a breath and reminded myself I wasn’t alone before starting to follow Leliana, pausing when Bull’s hand hovered in front of me, not touching until he knew I had seen it and then squeezed my shoulder comfortingly. “We’re all here, Sunshine. Nothing’s going to happen.” 

That… I swallowed and nodded, reaching up and squeezing his hand in thanks, not trusting my voice just yet. 

It was a little easier to walk towards that room knowing they were all right there. There for me. As we started climbing the steps my mind started replaying the last time I was in this room and I irrationally feared Bull would revert back to The Iron Bull the moment we were in front of Maxwell.

“He won’t.” Cole slipped his hand into mine and squeezed. “That mask is gone. Buried. Never again Hissrad. He’s Bull again. Hissrad’s dead.” 

“Yeah.” Bull’s voice came quietly from behind me but other than him, no one else reacted to what Cole had said. 

I glanced back at him and he gave me a slight nod, his face set in the same grim expression he wore when he apologized to me. I hated that look, and reached back to catch and squeeze his hand with my free other hand. 

He gave me a soft sort of look and-

My attention was drawn to the top of the steps when I heard the most miserable sounding groan of pain. That… sounded like- but no. It couldn’t be- they wouldn’t-

We reached the top of the stares and the sight that greeted me immediately filled me in dread, but not for the reasons I had expected. 

Maxwell was on the bed, tangled in sheets, his unkempt hair soaked in sweat and sticking to his face, his clothes in a similar state, sticking to his body, that was thinner than I remembered, as he writhed in obvious pain. The mark on his hand was sputtering green, spitting angerly, veins of dark green power climbing up his arm, parts of his skin torn and inflamed. 

But why-? 

I opened my mouth to ask just that when Leliana spoke. “The Mark has been causing some difficulty for him. The healers are unable to help. Rumor has it that Andraste has rejected him for his sins and for using her gift for his own gain of power. ‘Magic is to serve man.’” She quoted, folding her hands delicately in front of her, not even bothering to lower her voice. 

Maxwell's laugh was weak, strained, and sounded half mad from pain. “Backstabbing bitch.” 

It took tremendous effort not to let my shoulders hunch at his tone, but Cole squeezed my hand and it was enough to remind me that I wasn’t alone. 

“Watch your words, Trevelyan.” Cullens voice was dangerously low in warning and I… may have stared at him in shock. What had happened when I was away that completely turned them against this man? It couldn’t have been just the way he treated me... could it? No, it couldn’t have been, I was just a cook and not anyone important. What had he done? 

Maxwell only laughed, but it was cut off by a painful groan as the Mark sputtered angrily again. Just like it did in Trespasser, but that wasn’t supposed to happen for several years yet, at least not until after- Solas! Solas had come with me instead of staying and healing the Mark and keeping it under control and-

“Solas, you have to heal him, we still need that mark!” I turned to Solas pleadingly only to find him looking at Maxwell with a slightly vindictive smile that made me start at the sight of it. 

He glanced at me and then back to Maxwell, cocking his head slightly to the side before asking in a plaintive tone that could only be described as a whine. “Do I have too?” 

“You-? He- yes!” I sputtered, not quite believing what I was hearing. “Solas we need that Mark.”

"Do we though?" He asked in a thoughtful tone. "We have not tested your ability to direct magical energies without it-“ 

“Solas!?” I looked at him in complete surprise and a little horor. 

He looked back at me and then gave a sigh that I swear was coming from a teenager, the only thing missing was an eye roll. “Oh, fine!” He moved towards bed and picked up Maxwell’s hand with a grimace as if handling something unpleasant.

Maxwell jerked and hissed in pain as Solas’s hands flared. I cringed when he writhed with a muffled scream.

They never wrote, never asked for Solas to return, even though they knew he could negate the Marks effect. “Why didn’t y’all tell me?” 

Maxwell’s head snapped up and his eyes landed on me with a hateful glare. “As if you didn’t know! Enjoying the sight of your handy work?”

Bull made a growling sound in his chest that I had realized was his protective growl, and I couldn’t help the small step backwards I took so my back was pressed against him. It was grounding in the face of Maxwell’s open hated and accusing eyes.

“This is what you planned all along, isn’t it? You two faced slut bi-ahh!”

He cried out and jerked as Solas dropped his hand with one last flare of magic and stepped back from him with a look of disgust. “That is fortunately all I can do at the moment.” 

“As you can see, Trevelyan is in no condition to help as he is.” Leliana spoke as if discussing the weather, “Once the mark had calmed somewhat we can make arrangements for him to travel to the rifts that need closing.”

“That does sound like the best course of action, Darling.” Vivienne agreed before gesturing towards the stair with an elegant flick of her wrist. “See the rat was your request, seen the rat you have. Come, we have preparations to do.”

Did she just openly-? I stared at her in shock and then had enough presence of mind to snap my mouth shut, and followed her as she turned to walk back down the stairs. 

They, all of them, were protective of me, had stood there with me as I had checked on Maxwell. Cole, Vivienne, Solas, Cullen, Leliana… Bull. 

Bull.

Bull was still right there behind me, his presence this time grounding and reassuring. I knew… I knew he would protect me, that he had been protecting me. The last time I had left this room with Bull I had been terrified and so alone.

This time…

Oh how much had changed.

I was made inquisitor. 

Maxwell was in no condition to lead, his legs weren’t getting any better, the Mark had been spiraling out of control, and the lyrium he took as a templar only fed the power in his hand. 

So to top it all off, in an attempt to slow the damage, Leliana had cut off his lyrium. Maxwell was crippled and withdrawing from lyrium. 

Everything was different than the game. I was led down the steps with Leliana and Josephine, Bull at my back, and I could see the Blades at the foot of the stairs, all saluting me. The Avvar were there too, looking amused but organized, also obviously supporting me. Eirik was there. I could hear Mother Giselle quoting some Chant, something about Andraste. I couldn’t focus. I felt shaky, but tried to stay composed as Cullen walked up the stairs with the Inquisitor’s sword. Much smaller than I had expected, though I suppose it had to be for me to lift it. 

There was some speech making and some cheers, and I tried to focus past the panicked buzzing in my head. I wasn’t supposed to be here. This wasn’t supposed to happen!

But Cullen held the sword out to me, and he looked so grim, so determined. All those people, looking hopeful… I… I had to.

I picked up the sword, and frantic to do this right, I quoted the line from the game that I always chose for this moment.

“I’ll do it because it’s right. Corypheus must be stopped.” Or was that a blend? 

It didn’t matter though, There were cheers, deafening and echoing off of the walls. The councillors saluted to  _ me _ , and then I was grabbing desperately onto Bull’s arm as he led me back to the Main Hall.

Inquisitor. 

Me?

Well… 

Crap.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! :) I live for comments! Thanks for reading, stay safe.  
> Playlist I threw together for Rae. :)  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5ZHTo5mLEv52hS24GxyZJj?si=LOsM7s2pSOGVXp9SuWLrfA

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Behind the Masks We Wear](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25171891) by [AntlersandFangs](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AntlersandFangs/pseuds/AntlersandFangs)




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